Social Question - Lunch Gathering

[goldberry]

DD is graduating from college next Saturday, yay!  The commencement should be done about 11:30 am and we were planning on going to Cheesecake Factory for lunch afterwards.  She has a few pretty good friends attending the graduation.  She wants to invite her friends attending the graduation to join us at Cheesecake if they would like to do so.

There is absolutely no way that we could pay for everyone who might decide to join us.  How can this be worded to her friends so that it's clear what this is?  I don't want to be rude, but we really cannot end up paying for a bunch of people right now.  If she says, oh, we're heading to Cheesecake Factory if you'd like to join us for lunch... will that person expect lunch to be covered?  

HELP!

[Catwoman]

They will probably assume that you are paying if you invite them.

Editing to add — if you invite the friends and you are all seated together, will you ask for separate checks? I can picture it being very awkward. 

Edited April 29, 2022 by Catwoman
Forgot something!

[goldberry]

That's what I'm afraid of, but DD assures me that is not the case with her age group.  That no one assumes someone else is paying unless they say "my treat" or something like that.  It's doing something together rather than an invitation like to a party.

[katilac]

They're young, they're friends - just have her flat out tell them. 

[Loowit]

I would think you could say something about going out for a "no host lunch" at the restaurant, and people are welcome to meet up there if they would like.  That way they would know you weren't paying I would think.  When the server comes you just tell them that you and your family are a separate check.  Often when going out with siblings and families it is no host, and the servers are great about making out separate checks for us.

[Jean in Newcastle]

“We’re going to Cheesecake Factory afterwards. If anyone wants to join us there we’d love the company. Everyone pays for their  own meal”. (Back in my day we would say that we’re going Dutch but I don’t know if that’s said anymore.). 

[teachermom2834]

13 minutes ago, katilac said:

They're young, they're friends - just have her flat out tell them. 

I agree with this. Have her tell them ahead of time and then when you are there ask for separate checks.

If you don’t say anything they likely will assume you are paying. But they are probably totally fine with paying for themselves. Have your dd flat out tell them ahead of time to avoid the awkwardness then ask for separate checks as a reminder and to make it really clear to the server. 

[Catwoman]

25 minutes ago, goldberry said:

That's what I'm afraid of, but DD assures me that is not the case with her age group.  That no one assumes someone else is paying unless they say "my treat" or something like that.  It's doing something together rather than an invitation like to a party.

I’m just wondering if the kids might think this was a different kind of situation, mainly because it might feel more like a graduation party hosted by parents, and not just a group of kids going out together where it would be normal for them to split the check.

In this kind of situation, particularly because it’s right after graduation, I would feel weird not paying for everyone. I’m not saying you should pay — I’m just thinking it might feel awkward. 

[mom2scouts]

"We're going to lunch at Cheesecake Factory after the ceremony. You'd need to pay for your own meal, but we'd love to have you join us!"

[athena1277]

1 hour ago, goldberry said:

That's what I'm afraid of, but DD assures me that is not the case with her age group.  That no one assumes someone else is paying unless they say "my treat" or something like that.  It's doing something together rather than an invitation like to a party.

I think it’s assumed that everyone pays for themselves in a group of college kids, but when mom and dad show up and invite friends, they often expect that the parents are paying.  If you are not paying, it needs to be stated when they are invited.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I think that if it was a group of just kids, it would be an assumed 'pay for yourself'.

But if one kid has a family there, and it seems like everyone else is joining that family, then it gets a bit ambiguous who will pay.

I'd make it really clear that it's an open invitation for anyone who wants to celebrate over a meal, but everyone pays their own way. 

Better to be ultra clear upfront than have awkwardness during or afterwards.

Huge congrats to your daughter!!

[Tap]

Any of the above suggestions is good. Just make sure she tells them directly, that they need to pay for their own meal. Also, make sure each get their own check, so you aren't stuck with paying for everyone's tips. 

If a group of young adults get together, they assume they are each paying for their own meals.

But depending on how each was raised, if a parent or elder is along, they may assume the parent is paying.  My own kids know I will pay for any of their friends who we invite. Otherwise, I don't invite them. So, my kids could assume this is common in other families as well. (They know better, but it is possible)

I once made this mistake with adults too, so I never assume and always say something ahead of time now. Maybe 7 years ago, I told dd's bio-dad and stepmom that dd15 wanted to go to seafood restruaunt near them for her birthday and they could join us if they wanted. They were mid-thirties, so absolutely adult age. It wasn't super expensive but maybe $20-30 a plate. We were already paying for 7 people, so it was going to be a bit expensive for me. The parents looked a menu, so I think they were planning to eat.  When the waiter asked if it was going to be separate checks and who was on each check, I clarified who I was paying for. The parents ended up just ordering water.  When they ordered water, I offered to treat them, but they declined. I think they may have been embarrassed. 

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, goldberry said:

DD is graduating from college next Saturday, yay!  The commencement should be done about 11:30 am and we were planning on going to Cheesecake Factory for lunch afterwards.  She has a few pretty good friends attending the graduation.  She wants to invite her friends attending the graduation to join us at Cheesecake if they would like to do so.

There is absolutely no way that we could pay for everyone who might decide to join us.  How can this be worded to her friends so that it's clear what this is?  I don't want to be rude, but we really cannot end up paying for a bunch of people right now.  If she says, oh, we're heading to Cheesecake Factory if you'd like to join us for lunch... will that person expect lunch to be covered?  

HELP!

I would imagine they have plans with their own families.

if/when extending an invitation to have lunch at the same restaurant - I would be sure and add "separate checks" somewhere.

[Carrie12345]

When a parent is involved, it really does need to be stated clearly. I was definitely raised to expect to pay for myself, but I’ve learned through experience that not everyone is. And I did not have Cheesecake Factory money as a student or young adult, so clarity is very important.

Ds’s stepmom once asked MY MIL to lunch and expected a paid meal.  We are not all on the same page!!!

[Ottakee]

I understand not being able to pay for extra people.   Is there a way you could do something cheaper and treat her friends……maybe not at all what she would like but Walmart subs and sides at a lock park, etc would be inexpensive and fun if the weather cooperates.

[QueenCat]

In a group of friends, one would normally pay their own way. The expectation often changes with a celebration being held by the parents of someone. At that age, when invited, the parents always paid for the group. It's the same I've done when I've invited my kids' peers to something. That said, it needs to be clear that they aren't your guest & are expected to pay their own way. You could also go with something less expensive, like Ottakee suggested, so that you could pay for the guests. 

[HS Mom in NC]

10 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

"We're going to lunch at Cheesecake Factory after the ceremony. You'd need to pay for your own meal, but we'd love to have you join us!"

This.  Everyone knows up front and is warmly invited to participate or not.

[skimomma]

I too would make sure they know ahead of time that it is not hosted.  We often include dc's friends when eating out or doing whatever and we always pay.  It does not even seem to be a question for anyone so I think you could very well risk someone coming and being in a bind when they find out they have to pay.

I like the idea of maybe modifying plans to something you could pay for.

[Murphy101]

14 hours ago, goldberry said:

That's what I'm afraid of, but DD assures me that is not the case with her age group.  That no one assumes someone else is paying unless they say "my treat" or something like that.  It's doing something together rather than an invitation like to a party.

That’s true among peers but rarely among peers and parents. Most of her peers presume an invite by parents is parents paying or worse they have no idea what the social expectation is bc they don’t have parents who do these things with them and the parent needs to awkwardly offer to pay or say split ticket.

I wouldn’t care if they invited their friends but I would tell her point blank that she needs to make sure her friends understand I’m not picking up the tab bc I can’t afford to. My kids would understand and it wouldn’t be an issue.  

Though personally, I’d try to pick somewhere else where I can afford to pick up the tab for 2-3 friends.  Because my first thought is they aren’t with their own family for a reason possibly. There’s a lot of college kids out there who will not have family to celebrate with them and their friends are who they are building connection with at this time in their lives. So I’m happy to stand in as family if I can.  But I say this with the knowledge that for unknown reasons we seem to collect strays of all kinds in our family and we are okay with that.

[Arcadia]

I would ask your daughter to make it clear upfront when inviting her friends. Cheesecake factory tips are based on size of the group from what I understand so tips could become a large amount.

In my family culture, if adults are present, they are typically the ones who foot the bill. So it is better to state upfront.

[goldberry]

Thanks for all the advice. I typically would pay, so that makes it especially feel uncomfortable for me. We are in a really bad financial situation right now that has been growing worse over the past two years. Normally would have had a party otherwise. Felt like we should at least go to lunch, and Cheesecake is Dds favorite.  I honestly feel embarrassed and nauseous that this is even an issue. ☹️

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[J-rap]

Can you invite everyone to your home for chili?  Personally, I'd rather just host at my home, food included, if it were me, even if it was just beans and rice.  (Which actually my children all happen to love. 😁)   It might be a good time for your dd to understand wants vs. what's actually possible.  

Or have her just invite one friend that you can pay for?

Otherwise, I'd not send out personal invitations (because that implies that food is being paid for), but have your dd casually invite them personally, in-person, and explain that they'll need to pay for themselves.

Or if weather is nice, a picnic somewhere?  Would that be more affordable?  (grilled hotdogs?)

Congratulations to your dd!!

ETA:  Maybe you can take just your dd to Cheesecake Factory, and then invite friends to your house after that for cake?  I'm sorry this is so hard...  We've been there too.  We went a year without an income once when my dh's company was going through a terrible hardship.  Kids learn and change from that but it can be a positive learning experience.  It's interesting, but our kids actually have really funny, happy memories from that year -- not bad ones.

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by J-rap

[goldberry]

DD's college is about 3 hours from our house, and about 1.5 hours from where she lives now.  Also unfortunately where we live the weather is totally random during this time of year, and no one usually plans an outdoor gathering without a solid backup plan.  I think I will leave it to her to communicate with her friends (giving her some ideas from this thread for how to do so) and try not to worry about it.  

[J-rap]

8 minutes ago, goldberry said:

DD's college is about 3 hours from our house, and about 1.5 hours from where she lives now.  Also unfortunately where we live the weather is totally random during this time of year, and no one usually plans an outdoor gathering without a solid backup plan.  I think I will leave it to her to communicate with her friends (giving her some ideas from this thread for how to do so) and try not to worry about it.  

That sounds fine.  Sometimes when things begin to feel complicated, I just tell my kids, "You plan it."  

[Junie]

I would just do as others suggested and invite everyone with the understanding that each person will be expected to pay for their own meal.

I was able to meet a lot of dd's friends when I took her back to college after Christmas break.  I did treat a large group to (cheap) pizza.  For a few other meals it was just a smaller group that I paid for.  

IME, college kids don't mind paying for their own meals for occasions like this.  It's all about setting the expectation ahead of time, though.  

[ktgrok]

8 hours ago, goldberry said:

DD's college is about 3 hours from our house, and about 1.5 hours from where she lives now.  Also unfortunately where we live the weather is totally random during this time of year, and no one usually plans an outdoor gathering without a solid backup plan.  I think I will leave it to her to communicate with her friends (giving her some ideas from this thread for how to do so) and try not to worry about it.  

Maybe you could give DD the option of either just family for lunch, at cheesecake factory, OR you will treat for pizza and she can include a few friends? Assuming that there is a reasonably priced place for pizza nearby, where you will pay for a few pizzas for everyone to share?