How do I choose a church nowadays?

[sangtarah]

The last two years have left us churchless. We moved states, and covid numbers are coming down here, so DH wants to choose a church. We have different ways of looking at churches now though. We were at a Baptist church, and have usually attended baptist churches. He is okay with the criteria we always used, while I’ve been watching and reading and listening to many voices, and I’m not okay with the “same old thing.” 
So how do we find a church that puts love first? Love for God, love for others; kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, etc. He isn’t comfortable with the more liturgical churches, but is willing to visit. Any denominations you would recommend? 

[Martha in GA]

I prefer a non-denominational church, but there aren't many in my area. We are at an independent Baptist church now that we like. I think the values that you want your church to have are not a product of the denomination so much as a product of the members, the leadership, and the church culture. I would probably start by checking out the church webpages and seeing what kinds of programs they put their energy into.

[Katy]

I'd try a contemporary service Methodist, or maybe a WELS Lutheran.  I'm not super familiar with other more liberal denominations, but I'm sure others will chime in. @ktgrok found a new church she loves.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I would listen online to churches in your area first and get an idea of what the teaching is like. Is it the sort of teaching you feel aligns with your beliefs? If you find a pastor or two that you like, listen to another sermon or two and if you still feel like it is a match then try an in person visit. 

[HomeAgain]

Check out various churches on social media and see what they're doing to show love to their community instead of preaching love.  Empty words are hard to swallow and a congregation shouldn't be passive.

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[AmandaVT]

UCC churches put love first - https://www.ucc.org/  I love my church.

[DreamerGirl]

I debated whether to post anything because I am currently on a journey away from Christianity for a lot of other reasons. But I think it has some relevance because this question jumped out at me as very familiar because it was something I agonized over a lot when we church shopped.

43 minutes ago, sangtarah said:

So how do we find a church that puts love first? Love for God, love for others; kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, etc. He isn’t comfortable with the more liturgical churches, but is willing to visit. Any denominations you would recommend? 

For me, sermon, liturgical service (former Anglican here) and music was really, really important. I could not stand praise band and I was super attached to liturgical service. Looking back, I can now say it was the start of the slide.

Short answer, there is no perfect church, denomination, congregation. There is no harm in looking. But write a list as to what is important and what you can live with. We did not. I was looking for the "feeling". I never did find it. You may never find it. So look for virtual churches and go in person. But you may never find the perfect church.  But if staying in Christianity is important to you, going to church is important is my sincere advice from walking this path.

[kokotg]

I'd maybe look at Disciples of Christ for less liturgical but more accepting. Not much will be as non-liturgical as most Baptist churches, though. UCC, too, though IME it's more liturgical than Disciples of Christ ...but I imagine it varies a lot by congregation (they're congregationalists, after all 🙂 )

[J-rap]

For us (my dh and I), we listen to the sermons, because I think the leadership in a church says a lot.  (Now you can listen to so many of them online!)  Priorities for us is a pastor who is humble, and open to disagreement and questioning.  And whose message is Gospel-oriented:  love first, not laws.  And cares about the vulnerable and oppressed, not just in their church bubble but in the world around them.  If we sense those things are at the foundation of the church message, we can put up with other things that aren't ideal.

We attend a non-denominational church that calls itself "Anabaptist leaning."   (It's definitely not a strict Anabaptist.)

Our church is loosely affiliated with a church network called the Jesus Collective, which also states that it has its roots in the Anabaptist Radical Reformation.

https://jesuscollective.com

I know at some point they're planning to list churches across the country which teach a similar message, but I think for now, it's mostly a resource for church leadership.

 

 

 

[TheReader]

One thing I would add/repeat is to definitely look at what the church *does* and not just what they *say* or talk about, or even just where they send their money. 

When we first were church hunting when we moved back, we really wanted a church with a strong global awareness, not a US-centric vibe. And we wanted solid Biblical teaching, and some place we could feel like family.  We found a church that we thought was that -- their missions giving is fantastic, global, varied, and encompasses a ton of stuff. The preaching is spot on, and for a while, we did think we'd feel like family there. 

Over time, we realized their mission approach is at least 90% through giving monetarily, and maybe only 10% in any *doing* of missions. The youth group goes on a few local mission ventures/community outreach things (serving at the food pantry, women's resource center, etc.), and the church takes a group to church plant in Africa every other year......and that's it. Despite that they support dozens upon dozens of ministries, locally and globally.  But, when the various floods hit our area -- the church rallied together to help fellow church members......but no organized outreach to the community at large. We had three "100 year flood events" (or greater) in three years in this area, and realizing our church did nothing in the surrounding neighborhoods was....eye opening. 

 

[Lucy the Valiant]

Find one that treasures hope. You'll be able to tell.

My $.02.

[Farrar]

There are some more hope and love affirming Baptist churches out there. Some are more politically liberal leaning, which may or may not be what you want, though others are more diverse politically, just way more liberal than the average Baptist church. I grew up in such a church. My mother is a member of another currently. They're out there.

[kbutton]

I am personally planning on asking the pastor about his stance on nationalism because it's been predictive of a whole host of other things that I am finding problematic.

If the pastor is not a nationalist, I want to know if he/she thinks the congregation is nationalist. I might also ask that if I discover he's wrong and they are, will his door be open to talk to me about when I come back to tell him. 

I will want to know how leadership tends to solve problems--avoid, define it out of existence, go "my way or the highway," etc. Or do they tend to actually do something productive. 

[MercyA]

Decide what your non-negotiables are first, and then check doctrinal statements of churches near you to narrow things down. 

Next, I would check churches' websites for position statements on current issues. Again, that may eliminate some.

There are some churches in my town that I love very much, but would not formerly align myself with due to doctrinal or positional issues. What are your lines in the sand? 

Watch some sermons online and see what you think. Check what groups and ministries are available.

When you have two or three possibilities, go for a service. See if they are truly welcoming. Every church I have loved has made me feel warm, accepted, and valued right from the beginning. 

Remember that there is no perfect church. 

Best wishes to you. I hope you find a church family that is a great fit for you. ❤️

 

Edited February 27, 2022 by MercyA

[HS Mom in NC]

Some former conservative Baptist and Bible Church types like me are switching to conservative Presbyterian churches. Half the people at the one I attend came from Roman Catholic or Episcopalian backgrounds, so there seems to be some appeal from different directions.

I just want to point something out explicitly because of my experience so far in the world of exvangelicals:  Understand that changing denominations means changing to hearing about and practicing different secondary doctrinal issues on things like modes of baptism, female pastors, liturgical structured services, etc.  as examples.    If you're not willing to consider living contentedly with the different secondary doctrines and practices, figure out how to stay in the denomination you're already in.  Be very clear and honest with yourself about whether or not you're open to different doctrines and practices.

A parallel to illustrate my point:  There's a difference in being an actual Libertarian and being a Republican or Democrat who leans Libertarian on many issues who gets angry with the GOP or Dems and joins the Libertarian Party to show the GOP or Dems you're angry at them.  (I'm using the general you, not you specifically, OP.)  The Libertarian Party doesn't care that you're mad at the GOP or Dems; Libertarians are going to Libertarian.  Don't go there to change them into the Republican or Democrat party you think the GOP or Dems should be. If you want someone to transform into the GOP or Dems you want, stay with the GOP or Dems and change them. In other words, don't order French food at the Mexican restaurant-they don't do that there. If you're only going to content with French food, stick with only French restaurants instead of trying to get the cooks at the Mexican restaurant to custom make a French meal according to your instructions.

Edited February 28, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[LauraClark]

If you have always gone to Baptist churches I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater-there are plenty of Baptist churches that weren't ugly during the last couple years. The 3 main Baptist churches in our area (one that we attend) were very loving and supportive of what everyone decided. 

[fairfarmhand]

5 hours ago, Martha in GA said:

I prefer a non-denominational church, but there aren't many in my area. We are at an independent Baptist church now that we like. I think the values that you want your church to have are not a product of the denomination so much as a product of the members, the leadership, and the church culture. I would probably start by checking out the church webpages and seeing what kinds of programs they put their energy into.

I've been to Baptist churches that were wonderful and loving and compassionate. And I've been to churches that were the exact opposite, all within the same denomination.

For my family, we got involved in community events and talked to people who reflected those values in their personal lives. For us, my dh played on a softball team and the team that was the most Christlike, even on a softball field, was the church that we ended up at. That was almost 20 years ago. 

So start talking to people that you know. Ask them to be completely honest. 

What do you like about your church?

What do you wish you could change about your church? 

How do they treat special needs people? (for me this is a HUGE indicator of the general spirit of a church. Special needs people are embraced at my church, even if they do things that might be a little disruptive during services.)

For me, while the pastor and the sermon is important, its the spirit of the congregation that makes or breaks a church.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, kbutton said:

I am personally planning on asking the pastor about his stance on nationalism because it's been predictive of a whole host of other things that I am finding problematic.

If the pastor is not a nationalist, I want to know if he/she thinks the congregation is nationalist. I might also ask that if I discover he's wrong and they are, will his door be open to talk to me about when I come back to tell him. 

I will want to know how leadership tends to solve problems--avoid, define it out of existence, go "my way or the highway," etc. Or do they tend to actually do something productive. 

I think you could ask him where/when he went to seminary what books he’s been reading lately that he would consider important, if he’s a fan of any particular podcasts, who he respects in Christian culture these days… that sort of thing. I have feelings about celebrity culture (generally not a fan), but the names and titles he responds with could be telling. 
 

Asking about conflict resolution is a great idea. If the answer is “we follow the Matthew 18 model,” be sure to ask for a full example of what that actually looks like in his church. 

[kiwik]

5 hours ago, TheReader said:

One thing I would add/repeat is to definitely look at what the church *does* and not just what they *say* or talk about, or even just where they send their money. 

When we first were church hunting when we moved back, we really wanted a church with a strong global awareness, not a US-centric vibe. And we wanted solid Biblical teaching, and some place we could feel like family.  We found a church that we thought was that -- their missions giving is fantastic, global, varied, and encompasses a ton of stuff. The preaching is spot on, and for a while, we did think we'd feel like family there. 

Over time, we realized their mission approach is at least 90% through giving monetarily, and maybe only 10% in any *doing* of missions. The youth group goes on a few local mission ventures/community outreach things (serving at the food pantry, women's resource center, etc.), and the church takes a group to church plant in Africa every other year......and that's it. Despite that they support dozens upon dozens of ministries, locally and globally.  But, when the various floods hit our area -- the church rallied together to help fellow church members......but no organized outreach to the community at large. We had three "100 year flood events" (or greater) in three years in this area, and realizing our church did nothing in the surrounding neighborhoods was....eye opening. 

 

money is a lot more useful in most cases than a group of do-gooders dropping in and then leaving.  Paying the staff at an orphanage is better than  volunteering and being yet another person to abandon a child who is struggling to trust. 

[Junie]

I would start with doctrine and then work on the rest.  So I would definitely look for a Baptist church that meets your other needs.

[Resilient]

Why do you want a church? 

[kbutton]

9 hours ago, sangtarah said:

Any denominations you would recommend? 

One of the people I've listened to recently is Curtis Chang, so I looked up his denomination. https://covchurch.org/  It sounds like they purposefully organize around major issues and agree to disagree on the secondary issues. 

Others I listen to...

The Holy Post: https://cmalliance.org/ I think both Phil and Skye belong to CMA churches.

David French: PCA but from a varied evangelical background, IIRC https://pcanet.org/ 

CMA is very Baptist-like in many ways. PCA would have a big overlap. 

 

[Ellie]

10 hours ago, sangtarah said:

The last two years have left us churchless. We moved states, and covid numbers are coming down here, so DH wants to choose a church. We have different ways of looking at churches now though. We were at a Baptist church, and have usually attended baptist churches. He is okay with the criteria we always used, while I’ve been watching and reading and listening to many voices, and I’m not okay with the “same old thing.” 
So how do we find a church that puts love first? Love for God, love for others; kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, etc. He isn’t comfortable with the more liturgical churches, but is willing to visit. Any denominations you would recommend? 

Well, theology matters, so when you do some online sleuthing, that would be an important thing to check out, if not *the* most important. Then you have to personally visit. I can't recommend a specific denomination, though, because each specific congregation will have a different flavor, even if the theology is the same.

[PeppermintPattie]

One of Calvary Chapel's tenets is that secondary doctrinal issues matter, but love matters more, so a CC might appeal to you.

I think the main thing in church shopping are primary doctrinal stances, then how loving the church is to your family. Are there opportunities that make it easy to get to know church members and serve together?   

We were at a CC for years but then left when it wasn't a good fit for our children. Now we attend a Presbyterian church that is so loving and is (What we consider to be) doctrinally sound. There is a little bit of liturgy (choral responses), and I appreciate the feeling that gives me of not being just an observer of people on stage performing church, but that the service is for me and involves me.

[fairfarmhand]

32 minutes ago, PeppermintPattie said:

I appreciate the feeling that gives me of not being just an observer of people on stage performing church, but that the service is for me and involves me.

I love this. You said it so perfectly.

[HS Mom in NC]

Many people find the Apostle's Creed a good source for a list of primary doctrinal issues, so if you're unsure about what those are for you, having a look at that and clarifying what you agree with or disagree with might be a good starting point.   My background is Southern Baptist then Independent Baptist, so it was new to me (other than the Rich Mullins song years ago that I vaguely remembered phrases from), and I've found it a very useful tool for a quick litmus test on essential doctrinal teachings.  Let's also remember that love is equally important, as we're reminded in 1 Corinthians Ch. 13. Like the brain and heart, both are essential.  If one isn't working properly, it all comes crashing down. Each is equally dependent on the other.

I also find the light liturgical structure of a Presby church an edifying thing because it's a weekly reminder that believers together make The Body of Christ, so a few responses in unison and reciting the Lord's Prayer weekly at the closing of a freestyle prayer for specific requests is lovely. One body united in one purpose, with one voice.

[Clarita]

23 hours ago, sangtarah said:

So how do we find a church that puts love first? Love for God, love for others; kindness, empathy, compassion, generosity, etc. He isn’t comfortable with the more liturgical churches, but is willing to visit. Any denominations you would recommend? 

A church that puts love first is kind of vague in what you want in a church. I would narrow this down to somethings that a church is doing that would demonstrate this to me. Do you need them to be affirming to be loving or caring to all people despite not agreeing to their lifestyle (I know this is a triggering phrasing for LGBTQ+, but it can apply to other things like alcohol/amount of Bible reading/contraceptives)? Do you want ever act of service to be completely wrapped up in Christianity or do you want some of it to just be? Big massive projects, or small routine things? More financial or more boots on the ground?

I mean we want it all, but you have to decide which outward expressions of love from a church do you prioritize or desire. Not all of these things are mutually exclusive but having a priority can help you find a "good enough" church. Your own acts of love are not limited to what your church can do so some of the prioritizing might be "Oh these things I can manage on my own" vs. "I need my church to encourage me". 

[Ottakee]

I am Baptist mostly but attending a Wesleyan church now and it is very mission oriented....world, national, and local.

[TheReader]

21 hours ago, kiwik said:

money is a lot more useful in most cases than a group of do-gooders dropping in and then leaving.  Paying the staff at an orphanage is better than  volunteering and being yet another person to abandon a child who is struggling to trust. 

I understand that, but if you look at the post you quoted, what I meant was on the local level, and that sure, a church can send tons of funds to tons of places but if they absolutely never, ever, ever serve their own community  as "Jesus with skin on" -- EVER -- that may be something to pay attention to. Especially if they don't even have any kind of "boots on the ground" response in the face of natural disasters in their area, etc., like the 3 consecutive "100+ Year Flood Events" in our area a few years back (culminating in Hurricane Harvey). 

Absolutely I'm not an advocate for short term, "let's pat ourselves on the back at how awesome we are" mission trips like you're referring to. That's not what I meant at all, and I do 100% agree with you on that. It's why we initially were so impressed with their mission attitude.  But when the only help they provided anyone at all after the floods was to specific, select church members only.....that changed our opinion/understanding of their priorities.