Can I vent? 1st update in post 1.

[TexasProud]

Update Friday Afternoon:

Well, it has changed a little, but it has gotten smaller. Other spots haven't changed. Doctor said with Covid so bad and the fact that he has no other symptoms, and the fact that we have been watching it for 2 years( CT's every 6 months), he would just watch it for another 6 months. If something changes, then he will schedule a PET scan, but he sees no reason to do that now. Good, I guess. I will update Monday night after I see the doctor with my mom. I appreciate all of the advice. Thank you.

And ugg. everything is so backed up. My mammogram got pushed out 3 months. I don't like that at all...

 

Warning, this is a novel. I couldn't sleep and have so much in my head. I need to get it down on paper. I guess this is a JAWM.

I just need to vent. Maybe because I am a narcissist. I don’t know. I shouldn’t be thinking about me, but I need to just acknowledge it somehow.

So mom went to the ER last weekend with stomach pains. She spent 8 hours there. My sister was supposed to stay with them that night before driving her moving van across the country to her new home.  My stepdad left a not in the early afternoon, but then nothing. They forgot their phone at home.

My sister finally tracked her down at the ER, but no one could give her any information. After nearly an hour on hold, she finally just drove there with the phone, thinking maybe she could at least get their phone to them. My step-dad had  a stroke 20 years ago and doesn’t have full use of his right side. He has a brace for his leg and got around pretty well until recently. Because of Covid, they haven’t gone anywhere and his mobility is way down and he falls more now. Also, he can get confused if he is out of his normal circumstances now. He is fine at home, driving to grocery store or Starbucks, but when we met them at the condo in Colorado last year for vacation, one day he was very, very confused about what time it was and where he was.

So, I finally get them on the home phone. They had been discharged. Let me sister know. She was still at the ER who was trying to find my mom. My sister said it was an absolute zoo. And this is the really nice, private ER.

The doc told her she had cancer in her bones, liver, and pancreas. According to my mom, she would see her doctor and get a biopsy on Tuesday since they were closed on Monday. The ER oncologist said he would send everything and it would get done ASAP. Well, my husband knew better. He knew it would take us at least 3 weeks. He doc is out this week. Saw the PA, who made an appointment with the oncologist for Monday.  Of course then he has to schedule the biopsies to see what we are dealing with.

My step-dad cannot grasp the severity and thinks they are going on a cruise in a few months.

My sister called my mom to get an update and mom proceeded to tell her all about her ER adventure, forgetting that she was there until my sister reminded her. I got my mom to agree for me to go to the oncologist with her on Monday, so I can hear for myself as I just do not completely trust for my mom to get all the details. My step-dad will be there as well. Now, I have no idea if with Covid restrictions they will let me in, but I am going to have to somehow muster the courage to insist. Otherwise, I will not have an accurate knowledge of what is going on.  I will drive home the same day, probably. My husband and I are driving up on Friday for her birthday and spending the night.

My husband has a follow up CT today for a mass in his lungs. It hasn’t changed the last two times, but he has been coughing more. So I don’t know what this will show? Will I be taking care of him on top of my mom?  But even if not, he was supposed to go out of the country in 4 weeks and would be gone until the end of the year. I will definitely not be joining him. He won’t go if it looks like mom only has a few months. I think he needs to go for at least a month. He needs to keep up his surgical skills. And locum tenems is non-existent due to Covid.  He is also asking me what I am comfortable with him doing now with my mom. So is he supposed to be a prisoner in the home along with me now as well? He has been going out once a week with a guy who has a Habitat type organization. They fix roofs, mow grass, build wheelchair ramps, etc. None of them wear masks.

 

I see my daughter having a blast in college. But unlike last year where masks were everywhere, I am seeing no masks at her social events. She is vaccinated, but what if she gets Covid? On top of my mom and possibly my husband. And she is 14 hours away.

 

I am trying to decide what to do about my Bible class and my internship. I can drop my Bible class ( It is my last one) this Sunday and get 75 percent of my money back. Though I have enjoyed and found my other classes useful, this one not so much. I am currently trying to write a paper on whether Galatians 2: 1-10 refers to Paul’s famine journey to Jerusalem or the Jerusalem Council.  I mean really. Who cares? I also have the 2^nd half of my internship that I started this summer. I am supposed to start filming people giving their devotions in a couple of weeks… My pastor and his wife are our best friends. I know he will revise it. But that is just one part of it. I have done most of it this summer already ( tons of projects) But now I have to write them up, upload them complete with documentation on the website I made for the internship. My blog is part of the internship as well. I am just feeling overwhelmed, but since I have no outside contact now, it would keep me busy.

And outside contact. I normally go up once a week to meet with our pastor. I feel ok doing that. He is vaxxed and we will mask.  But I can no longer go to church or Sunday School, which feels like a limb cut off for me. I sent a letter resigning from Praise Team, my last social outlet. Most of my friends are school teachers. Yes, they are vaxed, but it is still too risky to meet. Plus, life here is going on as normal.

My mom lives 2 hours away. My sister will come up when she is needed, but she just moved 14 hours away.

I am so tired of taking care of people, but now have a potential for 3 people I will be taking care of. I want to make plans, but I cannot until mom gets all of the tests done. I don’t know what to do about classes, nor my husband’s mission work.  I don’t want to be responsible for making him housebound as well. Nor would he be ok, with me just moving in with my mom permanently for the duration. He would come as well. He cannot be without me for longer than a month. 

I am worried about husband’s test today, though it will probably show nothing. The coughing could be from all the construction with the bathroom remodel. Dirt has always made his asthma worse. And it totally stopped when we were out of this house in Colorado. 

I feel completely out of control and unable to make plans or even to know what the plans should be. After this semester I have two fun media/worship classes in the spring and then I was supposed to graduate.  I am on track to graduate with honors, which is really tough for this institution. But I was doing it. I know I shouldn’t care. But I wanted that A plus average. Who will know and who will care…. I can just pass and that should be enough. I mean what was I going to do with this stupid degree anyway?  Why do I even bother to make plans for myself. There is always someone to take care of. But I am tired. And we have only begun this journey.

I know I am selfish. I should only be worried about my mom. But I miss my life. I miss my friends. I miss my activities. I am just so discouraged.

Edited September 10, 2021 by TexasProud

[El...]

I have no advice, but send hugs. That's a lot. 

[WildflowerMom]

There’s a lot going on with you!   Ok, breathe.   First, dh will probably be fine today at the dr.  Update us when you know something.    Second, wait and get an official report and prognosis on mom.  Dd is fine.   She is not sick and even if she gets covid, she will probably handle it great.   Don’t invite trouble, ykwim?     Dh is a grown man.   Once you know more details on mom’s condition, let him decide what he wants to do (provided you don’t care if he goes vs stays; if you do care, just tell him).     Once you get the prognosis, you’ll know if you need to go be with mom or if you can manage coming and going.   Don’t rush to making decisions until you know what y’all are dealing with.    Big hugs and many prayers!! I know you get stressed easily, so slow down and take it one person at a time.  This afternoon deal with dh, then move on to figuring out mom’s situation. 

[Kassia]

You are not being selfish at all.  That's a lot all at once.  I agree with @WildflowerMomthat it's best to slow down and take it one person at a time so you don't get too overwhelmed (I get stressed very easily too).  Big hugs to you.

 

[Storygirl]

It's normal to feel overwhelmed in a situation like this. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling that way. But, as a Christian, remember that God helps us carry our burdens, and that we can cast our cares upon Him. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

You are worried about three people, but right now, today, there is only one person that you know may need extra support from you. Try not to catastrophize and worry about things that have not happened yet. I will share that when my daughter got Covid at college last year, she needed nothing from me. She just stayed in a quarantine dorm room and did her lessons online and called home more often when she was lonely. I understand worrying about your daughter, but I think you can really set those concerns aside right now and focus on what is real, not what might be.

If you don't have a deadline of some kind that would make delaying finishing your class a problem, it seems like it wouldn't hurt to drop this class and finish it later. It sounds like that would relieve a lot of stress for you and wouldn't really have any negatives, other than taking a little longer to get your degree.

Can your pastor continue to meet with you virtually, so that you don't lose that support?

Hopefully your husband will get a good report from the doctor today. You and your husband are a good team. You don't need to make decisions on your own. You don't need to feel responsible if he changes his plans in order to support you and your parents. If he does that, it will still all be okay, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If his health will allow it, you could encourage him to go on his missions trip, since you will be busy with your mom -- point out that it's okay for each of you to devote yourself to different causes for a period of time.

Depending upon what kind of cancer this is, it could go quickly or more slowly for your mother. This may not be a long-term situation for you to handle, though a short illness would still be extremely difficult. Whether this season passes quickly or is drawn out, God is with you through it all, and He can give you strength to do what is necessary. There is a fatigue in giving of self to others constantly. If you go to stay with your parents, try to make some arrangements for you to have times of respite. If they have friends or a church family, perhaps they could set up a time for someone else to sit with her on a daily basis, so that you will have a break.

I know it is overwhelming, but being there for your mom during what may be her last days is a gift, to both her and to you. I couldn't be there for my mom and wish that I could have. You won't regret the sacrifices afterward.

Pray hard, and God will sustain you.

[TexasProud]

Just FYI. Pastor is not for support. He is overseeing my internship. 

 

And yeah, I am about done with God. May just quit my degree. 

I am do sick of relying on an invisible God when I neec a hug from a real person. 

Edited September 10, 2021 by TexasProud

[Pawz4me]

I've found that in very stressful times I function best if I kind of shut down except for doing the next thing that needs to be done. That is perhaps not mentally healthy, but it's how I cope. That approach got me through my parents' final illnesses and (so far) is keeping me going handling DH's cancer. Also, do keep in mind with very serious illnesses like cancer the first initial days are by far the most overwhelming. Things tend to get at least somewhat better once the shock has had at least a little bit of time to wear off, and when there's a firm diagnosis and a plan. Our cancer center allows someone in with patients over 65 or who need assistance, and they're particularly lenient for the "big" appointments where scans and/or treatment plans are being discussed. If they insist you can't come in get your mom or dad to put you on speaker phone. DH and I have done that for even some of his routine appointments. He just feels better having me hear what's said.

And for goodness sake don't borrow trouble. Your DH may be perfectly fine. Your DD likely will never get sick. One "gift" DH's cancer has given me is that I stopped inventing stuff to worry about anymore. Sufficient unto the day and all that . . 

[Katy]

Wait and see on official diagnosis for your mom.  It sounds like way too much caretaking for anyone.  And it’s fine to be angry with God.  He can take it. 

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, WildflowerMom said:

Don’t rush to making decisions until you know what y’all are dealing with.

Exactly. And if you asked your mom, I'll bet she'd WANT you to keep going. Unless there is a totally clear reason why you CANNOT, she would want you to keep going. 

[PeterPan]

57 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am do sick of relying on an invisible God when I neec a hug from a real person. 

You wouldn't be the first person (with a dh in religion, with a degree involving religion, etc.) to feel that way. It's ok to question and work through it. Sometimes we don't *feel* what is true, so we *feel* like we're flying upside down with no radar when really we're not. It's why we go by what we *know* not only what we *feel*.

[math teacher]

Sending hugs to you. First of all, you are not selfish!! All the things you are struggling over wouldn't have been an issue less than 3 years ago. Please don't beat yourself up-this disease has stolen so much from all of us. You are not alone!! I understand going back and forth about making an A or just passing. I had those same feelings. Just do what feels right at the time. We aren't in normal circumstances.

Be kind to yourself today!!

[TexasProud]

The other thing is that both my grandmother and my mom were diagnosed with breast cancer when they were about my age. Scheduled my yearly mammogram and sonogram today. Mom had it twice. In different breasts. Both times estrogen sensitive, slow growing, highly treatable.  None in her breasts this time, but we don’t know.  But again, what dies that  mean for me. The last couple of years i wait to see if this is the year I am diagnosed. I haven’t missed a mammogram since I was 35. My dic added the sonogram since I am at high risk. My mom tested both times and doesn’t have the BRACA gene btw. The way this year is going it will probably be this year…no probably my sister. Just to add to caregiving. 

[TravelingChris]

Oh honey, I understand your worries.  Don't worry about your daughter.  Colleges seem to have these under control and unless she is immunocompromised, she will be fine.  Actually the person I would be most concerned about is what is wrong with your husband.  If your mother actually does have cancer in her bones, pancreas and liver, she basically has it through out her body and probably it means hospice care rather than extraordinary but useless chemo, biologics, radiation, etc.  If you can get her to give your pe

If you mother will give permission to log into the patient portal, you would be able to see if they actually did the workup to diagnose cancer throughout the body.

As to social issues, you can socialize with a good mask on.  You can socialize w others who are vaccinated.  

It is all a lot.  Take one day at a time and yes, you can be angry with God at times.

[catz]

I'm sorry that is a lot.  ❤️  I do find when I have a lot coming at me it helps to just focus on the next thing and not get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe try to find yourself 1 social outlet you'd be comfortable with if possible.  I am really struggling with social too.  

One thing is I have kind of let go of worrying about vaccinated young adults on college campuses.  IF they do get covid, I think it is very, very likely to be a very minor illness for that crew.  I did set my college kid up with a little pack of ibuprofen, tylenol, pulse ox, elderberry, emergen-c, etc in case he should need to be quarantined.  We also have a good handle on local contact free grocery and food delivery.  I'm also pushing for a flu shot.   I am not planning to hop in the car immediately if he is quarantined or tests positive.  I know a number of teens/young adults now that have been almost asymptomatic/minor cold level symptoms.  I can see feeling differently for students that may have comorbidities.  

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I'm sorry that is a lot.  ❤️  I do find when I have a lot coming at me it helps to just focus on the next thing and not get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe try to find yourself 1 social outlet you'd be comfortable with if possible.  I am really struggling with social too.  

One thing is I have kind of let go of worrying about vaccinated young adults on college campuses.  IF they do get covid, I think it is very, very likely to be a very minor illness for that crew.  I did set my college kid up with a little pack of ibuprofen, tylenol, pulse ox, elderberry, emergen-c, etc in case he should need to be quarantined.  We also have a good handle on local contact free grocery and food delivery.  I'm also pushing for a flu shot.   I am not planning to hop in the car immediately if he is quarantined or tests positive.  I know a number of teens/young adults now that have been almost asymptomatic/minor cold level symptoms.  I can see feeling differently for students that may have comorbidities.  

Yeah. I know. But supposedly they won't let them stay on campus if they have Covid. She is in Indiana and I am in Texas. They made that rule and said it was for the unvaccinated, but now that vaccinated people are getting it... The intent was to encourage people to vaccinate. So I don't know what we will do if she gets it.

[Tanaqui]

It's okay to think about yourself a little. If you don't, who will? You're not being selfish, you're being *human* - a human in a really crappy situation without many good options. It sounds awful.

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

 

As to social issues, you can socialize with a good mask on.  You can socialize w others who are vaccinated.  

 

Even when they don't wear one. My friends have been teaching without masks on to children without masks on. Working at youth on Wednesday night, worshipping with no masks on. Being at pep rallies for homecoming with no masks on. They are singing in choir with no masks. I love them. I do. But I just am not sure it is safe to socialize.  No masks in Sunday School. 

[PeterPan]

12 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I don't know what we will do if she gets it.

Maybe she could think through her own game plan. She's old enough to be there and can probably figure it out. And the college probably has a plan too. Some colleges partition off part of a dorm. It's good to ask her what the plan would be, but that doesn't mean it's your problem to figure it out. And if she's vaxxed, it may be a nonissue anyway.

[happi duck]

Many, many, many (hugs)

One of my late sisters had been a young widow so when she got sick I was her person.  The first couple weeks were especially a whirlwind.

You've received good advice...one step at a time.

 

[Scarlett]

So sorry dear.  That is a lot for any one to deal with.  One step at a time.

[Frances]

I’m so sorry you feel stressed and overwhelmed. You’ve gotten lots of good advice on this thread, so I will only address one thing. I wouldn’t worry about insisting you be your mom’s appointment if they don’t allow it due to covid. You can ask that they call you so you are part of the appointment, even if not physically present. My mom has been hospitalized multiple times and had several surgeries during the pandemic. A good share of the time no one was allowed to accompany her, no exceptions. So my brother and I did two things. We arranged for a free care coordinator through her hospital system who can accompany her to all appointments and is also available by phone for any and all questions we have. And she will follow up with doctors, staff, etc. if she doesn’t know the answer. She has been amazing! And we ask to be called at the beginning of every appointment so we can hear everything the doctors say and ask questions. For me, it’s honestly better than being physically there because I can have my medically knowledgeable husband with me and we can write notes to each other while listening and asking questions. I actually feel much more informed than being there by myself with my mom. That’s not to say I wouldn’t like to be there physically to support and help my mom, but if it’s not allowed, it’s not allowed.

Edited September 10, 2021 by Frances

[Cordelia]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that. I think your college aged DD will probably be okay. 

Caregiving and sandwich generation issues can be taxing. *hugs*

[kbutton]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Even when they don't wear one. My friends have been teaching without masks on to children without masks on. Working at youth on Wednesday night, worshipping with no masks on. Being at pep rallies for homecoming with no masks on. They are singing in choir with no masks. I love them. I do. But I just am not sure it is safe to socialize.  No masks in Sunday School. 

I think you can do outside visits (when weather permits) with people one-on-one. Maybe some would Facetime with you. 

My biggest problem with socializing with people less cautious (or unable to be as cautious as us) is not wanting to kick a hornet's nest if they think it's judgey. Thankfully I have a couple of friends that are fine with it. We socialize carefully vs. just not seeing each other, though I don't have a big social life. 

I wouldn't be overly worried about your DH's habitat-type work except indoors or really close outside (huffing and puffing while lifting something close together). In those cases, if he is willing to mask, I think it's probably fine. DH has had to work indoors with Covid patients all this time. A good mask goes a long way. Do they drive together? That would be a bigger issue, IMO. 

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I think you can do outside visits (when weather permits) with people one-on-one. Maybe some would Facetime with you. 

Do they drive together? That would be a bigger issue, IMO. 

Ok.. we will see if they have time. They all have kids in millions of activities as well.

Yes, they do drive together. And no, my husband doesn't mask.

[HS Mom in NC]

You're in a weird limbo right now, which feels like you just stepped into quicksand, but haven't started sinking quite yet.  You know there's going be sinking very soon, you just don't know when it will start or at what rate of intensity it will suck you down.  It's an awful feeling.

I have a suggestion if you think this would be a good fit for your personality, if not, skip it:
List everything you have going on right now in order of highest priority being #1 down to lowest priority. Only one thing in each spot-no doubling up. That can help you clarify what to drop/delegate as it becomes necessary.  Some people do better if they think it through and clarify for themselves each item before they have confirmed stresses added to their lives.  As stress increases, start dropping things from the bottom of the list. My impression is you don't have much margin built into your life, so you're probably going to have to cut more than someone who does have margin in the same situation.

Once you know for sure what you're dealing with, start asking yourself how much of these things are really on only you to do, and which things can be shared with or delegated to others. Consider an extended family meeting if appropriate to lay out what needs doing and ask what others will do to contribute. People have limits and they can only do what they can do.  It doesn't serve anyone to take on what you can't do. 

You and everyone else may have to drop some idealism if you're prone to it.  Elderly people may want to age in place, but that might not be practical, so ask them what their plans B and C are.  This isn't a fairy tale or a choose your own adventure story, this is cold hard reality, and the only options a person can choose from in the real world are ones that meet the following criteria:
1. The option currently exists in reality.
2. The option is accessible.
3. The option is actually doable.  
If ALL of that criteria isn't met, it isn't an option. Prepare phrases like, "I wish that were an option, but it's not.  What else can we do?" and "I'm sorry, but that's just not possible."

[Scarlett]

Great update!  Yah!

[Kassia]

Thank you for the update!  

[WildflowerMom]

Awesome update!!  🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

[HS Mom in NC]

Yay! on the update.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You're in a weird limbo right now, which feels like you just stepped into quicksand, but haven't started sinking quite yet.  You know there's going be sinking very soon, you just don't know when it will start or at what rate of intensity it will suck you down.  It's an awful feeling.

I have a suggestion if you think this would be a good fit for your personality, if not, skip it:
List everything you have going on right now in order of highest priority being #1 down to lowest priority. Only one thing in each spot-no doubling up. That can help you clarify what to drop/delegate as it becomes necessary.  Some people do better if they think it through and clarify for themselves each item before they have confirmed stresses added to their lives.  As stress increases, start dropping things from the bottom of the list. My impression is you don't have much margin built into your life, so you're probably going to have to cut more than someone who does have margin in the same situation.

Once you know for sure what you're dealing with, start asking yourself how much of these things are really on only you to do, and which things can be shared with or delegated to others. Consider an extended family meeting if appropriate to lay out what needs doing and ask what others will do to contribute. People have limits and they can only do what they can do.  It doesn't serve anyone to take on what you can't do. 

You and everyone else may have to drop some idealism if you're prone to it.  Elderly people may want to age in place, but that might not be practical, so ask them what their plans B and C are.  This isn't a fairy tale or a choose your own adventure story, this is cold hard reality, and the only options a person can choose from in the real world are ones that meet the following criteria:
1. The option currently exists in reality.
2. The option is accessible.
3. The option is actually doable.  
If ALL of that criteria isn't met, it isn't an option. Prepare phrases like, "I wish that were an option, but it's not.  What else can we do?" and "I'm sorry, but that's just not possible."

Very good description with the quicksand.

Ok, the list will be short. My responsibilities are

1. Bible Class

2. Internship.

Tada. That is it. Now those have a myriad of things inside of them. But really that is it. I have no other activities or responsibilities. I only clean house if I feel like it. My husband likes to cook, so he often does. He is cooking the meal for tomorrow.

That is why I do not think I should give up my classes. Even with those things, I get to the end of my day with 3 or 4 hours of just ruminating with nothing to do. Take those away and I would spend 24 hours a day doing that/being on here. 

I have no idealism. I took care of my dad for 5 years while raising my 3 small children. Then I took care of my husband's grandmother.  With my dad, I set boundaries: One day a week I drove him to Walmart with my 3 kids, well actually while they were at piano lessons. I had an hour and a half. We went to church together. I took him to doctor's appointments, but that was it. I was not at his beck and call. We got caregivers for the grandmother while I was still caring for my dad. I just stopped answering the phone. We moved her to a memory care. After my dad died, my daughter and I visited her twice a week, playing violin and singing hymns with her and the other residents there. She died in 2012 at the age of 102.

My mom told me when she was taking care of her mom that she knows that I love her.  No matter what she says at the end, I need to do what is best for me and my family. So yeah, I will set boundaries, though I don't have kids at home anymore, so that makes me much more flexible to be able to do this.  My sister is far away, but she is fine with mom. She was estranged from my dad as was everyone, so there is not that problem. She will come to take over. My mom and stepdad also are part of a vibrant group of 5 couples that have been traveling together for the past 15 years or more. They have already brought over milkshakes, come by to cheer her up, etc. So this will not be the same as my dad.

It is just the waiting. Neither I nor my mom do well with that. My mom will be ruthlessly practical about her end. She is most worried about my step-dad who will not be able to live by himself. But that is something his son will have to take care of. Not me. ( Though I adore him. He is the sweetest guy ever.) But mom , unless she loses her mind completely, and then I have her instructions from when she was of sound mind, will make arrangements that will impact me as little as possible.  She hates to be needy... Yeah, that is where I get it from.

Edited September 10, 2021 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

I am so utterly done. Just done.

[TexasProud]

Yeah, quit my classes so I can do more of this. But I just cannot read anymore theology.  None. My fitbit registers 17,000 steps. I am tired and yet my brain will not stop.

[freesia]

28 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, quit my classes so I can do more of this. But I just cannot read anymore theology.  None. My fitbit registers 17,000 steps. I am tired and yet my brain will not stop.

(((Hugs))) is there anything that you can do to distract yourself right now?  I know ultimately that’s not a solution, but if helps me to break the ruminations when I am where you are right now. Maybe watch the Great British Bake-off or Murder She Wrote or Father of the Bride or My Big Fat Greek Wedding? IDK

[Wishes]

((((TexasPround))))  It’s so very hard. I’m sorry. 

[cintinative]

I am so sorry TexasProud.  You are carrying a lot. This is one of those situations where I like to distinguish between a load and a burden.

The Bible says we should each carry our own load (Gal 6:1). That's our day-to-day stuff, the stuff we should do for ourselves because we are capable, things like feeding ourselves, clothing ourselves, taking a shower, going to our job, getting our physical, paying our bills, etc.   

The Bible also says we should carry one another's burdens.  A burden is different from a load. It's a challenging weight--a heavy experience--something beyond the normal.  A serious diagnosis, a divorce, abuse, a broken relationship, etc.  These are the cases when we are supposed to lean on the Body of Christ. The Body is called to come alongside us and help us carry those burdens.  I will be the first to admit that the church does not always do this well, and there are no guarantees that the ball won't be dropped, but I do hope that you will consider talking to your elder or pastor about this. My guess is that you could really use a Stephen Minister or a counselor right now.  It would provide a safe space for you to vent without judgment. There are virtual counseling appointments available (I take advantage of this). 

Remember that anger and despair are stages of grief. Right now life is super disappointing. That is a grief.  Also, you have a perfect storm of things outside your control that can't help but affect you. Those are all griefs. It is only natural that you feel overwhelmed. It feels like the ship is sinking and you need to throw some things off.  For right now, I would hold off doing that until you have a chance to get a good night's sleep. It sounds like you had some good exercise, and that's wonderful.  

Absolutely spend time praying if you can. If you feel too upset, remember the Spirit intercedes for us. Your sighing and screaming is intelligible to the Lord. Screaming is okay. He SEES you. 

If you need something to distract you, I recommend watching The Chosen. You can watch the 1st season on youtube and the 2nd is available if you download the free app. Seriously, there are worse things you could be binging.  

Don't give up.  It doesn't seem like it, but He is with and for you.  Praying for you right now. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

thinking of you

[ktgrok]

Is it possible your mom and stepfather didn't fully understand what the ER doc was saying, and it isn't as bad as you are thinking? If they are that easily confused, maybe they got this confused too?

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, cintinative said:

 

If you need something to distract you, I recommend watching The Chosen. You can watch the 1st season on youtube and the 2nd is available if you download the free app. Seriously, there are worse things you could be binging.  

Don't give up.  It doesn't seem like it, but He is with and for you.  Praying for you right now. 

Yes, the Chosen is very good. Watched both seasons several times. My husband and I have given some major donations to help it continue to be made.

Thank you for the prayers.

[TexasProud]

6 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Is it possible your mom and stepfather didn't fully understand what the ER doc was saying, and it isn't as bad as you are thinking? If they are that easily confused, maybe they got this confused too?

Part of me hopes that is the case. I will find out when I go with her on Monday to the oncologist. But the PA got the test results from the ER and made the appointment within less than a week, so I doubt it. But yeah, that is the slim hope I have, but probably a false hope. But we will see.

[heartlikealion]

I don’t read you as a narcissist or selfish… the fact that you can see all angles and default yourself to caregiver doesn’t sound selfish. It sounds like a lot of women — we want to have me time but feel pulled in a million directions. 

in this case I’m referring to your classes as me time though not the fun kind.

I don’t think it’s silly you wanted to pursue the graduation with honors. 

I’m sorry so much is going on! 

You may not want advice — so you can ignore this part — I would ask myself if I were to remove myself from the situation what solutions would my family defer to. If I was not an option as caregiver, what would/could they do? It may be that you are physically able to handle some things but the longer you hold the metaphorical glass of water, the heavier it will feel. So no, it’s not selfish to explore options that don’t make you responsible and thus, free you up some. It may be a boundary issue — you must rescue everyone. Is step dad really not reliable enough to relay the dr’s feedback? Perhaps you don’t need to attend but perhaps that’s all that will bring you peace of mind. Just food for thought. Good luck. 

[heartlikealion]

Ok I saw the follow up posts and understand better why you’re afraid something will fall on your plate again. It’s good you set some boundaries in the past. 

please don’t expect cancer (for you or your sister). Yes, it’s a possibility but don’t assume you’ll get it. It sounds like you assume you’ll get it and just want to know what year. It will be better for you mentally and physically to erase that expectation. Visualize happier outcomes. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

. Is step dad really not reliable enough to relay the dr’s feedback? Perhaps you don’t need to attend but perhaps that’s all that will bring you peace of mind. 

No. He had a stroke 19 years ago today. He was in his 50's, a runner, healthy eater, etc. My mom was working and so he wasn't found for 10 hours or so and lost all function in his right hand and most in his right leg. He had to sell his company and quit work as an engineer. He still managed to get around pretty well and they traveled a ton when mom retired. In the last few years I have seen a marked decline. Last year at this time we were in Breckenridge, staying in their condo with them. He got up at 3pm and said, "Good night. I am going to bed."  We had plans to meet my sister for dinner...all of us. He was extremely confused. By the next day he was fine. Mom says he gets that way when he is out of his normal environment.  Don't know if she ever took him to the doctor. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.   Except now it is. When I have talked to him on the phone he is so upbeat. He wants her to take medicine and then she will be ready to take the cruise in November to...Greece maybe. I can't remember where they were going.  Oh yeah, that is the other reason my kids were going to spend Thanksgiving in Houston, my mom was going to be on a cruise... I forgot that....

So no, I don't trust him to hear anything accurately. My mom is concerned because she knows he will not be able to live by himself when she is gone. 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

No. He had a stroke 19 years ago today. He was in his 50's, a runner, healthy eater, etc. My mom was working and so he wasn't found for 10 hours or so and lost all function in his right hand and most in his right leg. He had to sell his company and quit work as an engineer. He still managed to get around pretty well and they traveled a ton when mom retired. In the last few years I have seen a marked decline. Last year at this time we were in Breckenridge, staying in their condo with them. He got up at 3pm and said, "Good night. I am going to bed."  We had plans to meet my sister for dinner...all of us. He was extremely confused. By the next day he was fine. Mom says he gets that way when he is out of his normal environment.  Don't know if she ever took him to the doctor. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.   Except now it is. When I have talked to him on the phone he is so upbeat. He wants her to take medicine and then she will be ready to take the cruise in November to...Greece maybe. I can't remember where they were going.  Oh yeah, that is the other reason my kids were going to spend Thanksgiving in Houston, my mom was going to be on a cruise... I forgot that....

So no, I don't trust him to hear anything accurately. My mom is concerned because she knows he will not be able to live by himself when she is gone. 

Oh, I see. Well yes I’d attend the appt but I’d also see if I could get a nurse in my corner so to speak to help relay info if I’m not always there (make sure you’re on the approved contact list) so I could call and speak to the nurse. 

[TexasProud]

54 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh, I see. Well yes I’d attend the appt but I’d also see if I could get a nurse in my corner so to speak to help relay info if I’m not always there (make sure you’re on the approved contact list) so I could call and speak to the nurse. 

Very good idea. I have no clue if this is going to be her doctor or not. This is her first time to see him.  Her care feels very fractured. Her primary care doc was out of the office this week, so she only talked to a PA this week.  So, I am a little unsure when you say get a nurse on my side. What nurse? Which doc? Nothing is scheduled but this appointment with the oncologist. I am assuming he will tell her what the possibilities are and schedule tests. That is all that will probably happen this time I am thinking. But I don't know.

[kbutton]

On 9/10/2021 at 7:00 AM, TexasProud said:

The doc told her she had cancer in her bones, liver, and pancreas. According to my mom, she would see her doctor and get a biopsy on Tuesday since they were closed on Monday. The ER oncologist said he would send everything and it would get done ASAP. Well, my husband knew better. He knew it would take us at least 3 weeks. He doc is out this week. Saw the PA, who made an appointment with the oncologist for Monday.  Of course then he has to schedule the biopsies to see what we are dealing with.

Would the biopsies be to determine what type of cancer and what the primary site is in order to stage it or recommend treatment? It sounds like it's pretty definitively cancer. 

Did she see an oncologist who consulted in the ER? If so, I don't know why she had to be seen at her regular doctor--the oncologist should've been able to schedule her directly and bypass the family doctor. 

Or, does she already have an oncologist from her breast cancer, and that's where she saw the PA? 

9 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Part of me hopes that is the case. I will find out when I go with her on Monday to the oncologist. But the PA got the test results from the ER and made the appointment within less than a week, so I doubt it. But yeah, that is the slim hope I have, but probably a false hope. But we will see.

I am so sorry.

ER people tend to be pretty reserved about telling people they have cancer, so if they brought up cancer vs. saying something about it being very worrisome and that it needed follow-up to rule cancer out, it's probably something very obvious.

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Very good idea. I have no clue if this is going to be her doctor or not. This is her first time to see him.  Her care feels very fractured. Her primary care doc was out of the office this week, so she only talked to a PA this week.  So, I am a little unsure when you say get a nurse on my side. What nurse? Which doc? Nothing is scheduled but this appointment with the oncologist. I am assuming he will tell her what the possibilities are and schedule tests. That is all that will probably happen this time I am thinking. But I don't know.

I really don't understand the intermediate step of seeing someone other than an oncologist. Sigh. 

Maybe calling the oncologist's office would be the next step to find out what the appointment will entail and what to expect as it unfolds. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Would the biopsies be to determine what type of cancer and what the primary site is in order to stage it or recommend treatment? It sounds like it's pretty definitively cancer. 

Did she see an oncologist who consulted in the ER? If so, I don't know why she had to be seen at her regular doctor--the oncologist should've been able to schedule her directly and bypass the family doctor. 

Or, does she already have an oncologist from her breast cancer, and that's where she saw the PA? 

I am so sorry.

ER people tend to be pretty reserved about telling people they have cancer, so if they brought up cancer vs. saying something about it being very worrisome and that it needed follow-up to rule cancer out, it's probably something very obvious.

I really don't understand the intermediate step of seeing someone other than an oncologist. Sigh. 

Maybe calling the oncologist's office would be the next step to find out what the appointment will entail and what to expect as it unfolds. 

Ok, the oncologist told her the cancer was everywhere: bones, liver, and pancreas. He hated to give her this kind of news. It was definitely invasive cancer. Mom originally said that he said he was scheduling biopsies and that when she called her regular doc on Tuesday her primary care would see her and she would have a biopsy. ( My husband, a surgeon, told me that wasn't going to happen. He told me that is not how it works. Typically the primary care doc must request stuff from the ER, especially considering how completely overwhelmed the ER was that night) No, they do not have any idea where the cancer originated or where it began. Mom did have breast cancer in 1994 and 2007, but the tests last weekend revealed nothing in her breasts. And she goes for regular check-ups.  Oh, and when she had to take her stuff apart to get the pain meds from the pharmacy, she apparently lost the huge report from all of the tests the doctor gave her.

Mom calls her primary care doc on Tuesday, only to discover that he is out of town this week. Also, they have nothing from the ER.  The nurse made her an appointment with another doc in the practice ( according to mom) for 10am on Wednesday and promised to track down all the stuff from the ER.  Well, it wasn't another doc, it was her doc's PA. They decided since her breast cancer doc only does women's cancer, that it needed to be an oncologist associated with primary care doc. Plus, it is closer and easer for mom to get to. I am assuming they got all the test results from the ER, but again, I am assuming...

So the appointment is day after tomorrow with the oncologist. By the time I tried to call and if I could get through on Monday morning we would be having the appointment anyway.

Yes, I thought this would all be fast tracked, but I guess not.  But you can see why I really, really want to be in an appointment to hear what is going on. 

[kbutton]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

My husband, a surgeon, told me that wasn't going to happen. He told me that is not how it works. Typically the primary care doc must request stuff from the ER, especially considering how completely overwhelmed the ER was that night

Other than for hospital overwhelm, this surprises me. It's pretty typical for the ER here to schedule an appointment or at least have the doc they refer you to call you. No intermediate steps of seeing a family doctor if you are referred to a specialist.

I hope that the new to her oncologist is a good fit for her needs.

I would definitely try to be on the phone at the same time if you cannot be there. Besides getting on the paperwork, make sure your mom is able to access the electronic portal so that you/she can communicate between appointments with follow-up questions. 

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Other than for hospital overwhelm, this surprises me. It's pretty typical for the ER here to schedule an appointment or at least have the doc they refer you to call you. No intermediate steps of seeing a family doctor if you are referred to a specialist.

I hope that the new to her oncologist is a good fit for her needs.

I would definitely try to be on the phone at the same time if you cannot be there. Besides getting on the paperwork, make sure your mom is able to access the electronic portal so that you/she can communicate between appointments with follow-up questions. 

Well, my mom does not do much electronic. Her computer keeps getting infected with viruses, so she doesn't even do emails. She doesn't text on her phone either. She does nothing online.  But I will walk her through it on my computer, so I can see it. And I will try to have her sign whatever papers she needs so I can see stuff. I do know that they redid their wills recently and I have always been her medical power of attorney.  But I will have her sign whatever privacy stuff they need so I can see stuff. 

And yeah, they were in overwhelm.  This is a very good private hospital and they were still trying to find where my mom was for my sister when she was up there when I called and found her at home. No one there knew she was discharged. 

Edited September 11, 2021 by TexasProud

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

She does nothing online.  But I will walk her through it on my computer, so I can see it.

If she's okay with it, I see no reason to not just keep her credentials and use it yourself to communicate and keep on top of stuff, especially since she's okay with you being POA for healthcare. Just realize that you might see things before the doctor's office contacts you, depending on the system. 

Some labs also have portals. I always get my lab results independently of my doctor now that I am signed up for this (when we use that lab). It's SO NICE. 

[TexasProud]

17 minutes ago, kbutton said:

If she's okay with it, I see no reason to not just keep her credentials and use it yourself to communicate and keep on top of stuff, especially since she's okay with you being POA for healthcare. Just realize that you might see things before the doctor's office contacts you, depending on the system. 

Some labs also have portals. I always get my lab results independently of my doctor now that I am signed up for this (when we use that lab). It's SO NICE. 

Yes, I have it with my doc, but I am really healthy. I rarely ever have to go to the doc. Because of Covid, it has been a couple of years since I had bloodwork done, so I just scheduled it earlier this week for a couple of weeks from now.  But yes, it was nice to be able to see the results pretty much immediately.  Of course, as a doc, my husband could often get into the system and look anyway.  Have to admit, I was spoiled. I do miss the inside stuff now that my husband is retired.