Would this bother you?

[Indigo Blue]

My dh puts his loose change in a bowl each day. It eventually fills up, and I have it counted and get a voucher for cash. I did this one day and thought I might buy lunch for myself and someone else that day. So, later, I pulled out a hundred dollar bill to pay, and the person for whom I was buying lunch says, “Must be nice!” It wasn’t in a joking  sort of way. It was more like a judgmental sort of tone. This person makes tons of assumptions constantly and I know they were just thinking, yeah, they’ve got money. (We are not rolling in it, but we do okay. I think they think we have much more than we do).  I guess because of this, it just really bothered me. I thought it insensitive and rude. Wasn’t  it?

Edited April 29, 2021 by Indigo Blue
Clarity

[Katy]

It was a joke and I would take it as such.

[Melissa Louise]

If it wasn't a joke, then yes, rude.

But it's a common joke when someone has a $100 bill. 

[PeterPan]

I don't know if they meant it rudely, but I don't think it's shocking when people occasionally slip what they're really thinking. Yes, to me whipping out a $100 bill is a bit flashy, so I would have had the bank give it in smaller bills to avoid that. And from now on, maybe don't buy that person lunch. Buying someone lunch, to me, implies some kind of care or being over, like when my MIL bought me lunch. To me, if you're out with a friend they each buy. I would only pay if there were a disparity where charity were appropriate (older friend with limited income, for instance) or it was a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. 

[TheReader]

Depending on who was saying it, yes, it would bug me. I have some folks in my life from whom a comment like that would grate on me, for sure. Others from whom a comment like that would just be a joke and not mean anything. 

 

[PeterPan]

10 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

It wasn’t in a joking  sort of way.

There you go.

[TheReader]

3 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

I don't know if they meant it rudely, but I don't think it's shocking when people occasionally slip what they're really thinking. Yes, to me whipping out a $100 bill is a bit flashy, so I would have had the bank give it in smaller bills to avoid that. And from now on, maybe don't buy that person lunch. Buying someone lunch, to me, implies some kind of care or being over, like when my MIL bought me lunch. To me, if you're out with a friend they each buy. I would only pay if there were a disparity where charity were appropriate (older friend with limited income, for instance) or it was a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. 

wait, really....? Is this a common feeling on lunch-buying? 

I've been with various friends where we take turns paying for each other, or we each pay our own, or I offer to pay because I asked her out to lunch and want to treat her, or......but, do people really get bugged by folks paying for their lunch? 

ETA: not arguing with you, at all; clearly you are people, and you feel this way, but more spring-boarding from that to my question, to see if that's a common feeling and I've just been clueless (which is very very very possible).

Edited April 29, 2021 by TheReader

[MEmama]

Yeah, that kind of thing bothers me. IME when people say rude things and try to pass it off as “oh I was just joking! Don’t be so sensitive!” they really aren’t. Insisting it’s a joke just gives them cover for saying the quiet part out loud. 

[Indigo Blue]

It was said in an eye rolling sort of way. Then it was quickly qualified with, “Oh, just kidding.” It felt passive aggressive, but I can’t be sure. I guess it was, if that’s how it seemed.

Edited April 29, 2021 by Indigo Blue

[Emba]

I mean, if it felt like it wasn’t a joke, it probably wasn’t, and it would bug me, but it’s the kind of thing you can’t worry too much about.  Her assumptions and envy are her own problems, not yours.  Don’t give it more headspace than it deserves.

[Elizabeth86]

Yeah, that would probably bother me. I'm super sensitive though.  

Funny $100 story happened to me this week too.  Each week when I visit my parents, my mom always sends me home with a bag of junk, stuff like some random candy for the kids, a newspaper clipping or comic strip, some recipe, something we have left there, play doh for the kids, a pack of markers, coupons, just whatever random stuff.  I was unpacking my random bag of stuff for the week and I found a hundred dollar bill.  I've been giving her a rough go of it this week for losing $100 and saying it must be nice to lose a $100 bill and not miss it.  She 100% knows I'm kidding though, so that's different.  

[PeterPan]

18 minutes ago, TheReader said:

I've been with various friends where we take turns paying for each other, or we each pay our own, or I offer to pay because I asked her out to lunch and want to treat her, or......but, do people really get bugged by folks paying for their lunch? 

ETA: not arguing with you, at all; clearly you are people, and you feel this way, but more spring-boarding from that to my question, to see if that's a common feeling and I've just been clueless (which is very very very possible).

I think the difference is the sense of equality. That would just vary with the situation. 

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Yeah, that would probably bother me. I'm super sensitive though.  

Funny $100 story happened to me this week too.  Each week when I visit my parents, my mom always sends me home with a bag of junk, stuff like some random candy for the kids, a newspaper clipping or comic strip, some recipe, something we have left there, play doh for the kids, a pack of markers, coupons, just whatever random stuff.  I was unpacking my random bag of stuff for the week and I found a hundred dollar bill.  I've been giving her a rough go of it this week for losing $100 and saying it must be nice to lose a $100 bill and not miss it.  She 100% knows I'm kidding though, so that's different.  

Yes, this feels more light and truly just joshing around. 

[PeterPan]

17 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

It was said in an eye rolling sort of way. Then it was quickly qualified with, “Oh, just kidding.” It felt passive aggressive, but I can’t be sure. I guess it was, if that’s how it seemed.

So now you know what she really thinks. 

[Indigo Blue]

6 minutes ago, Emba said:

I mean, if it felt like it wasn’t a joke, it probably wasn’t, and it would bug me, but it’s the kind of thing you can’t worry too much about.  Her assumptions and envy are her own problems, not yours.  Don’t give it more headspace than it deserves.

Thank you.

[2squared]

Yes, it would bother me.

But....pulling out $100 bills is noticeable and will usually result in a similar comment. If I had a $100 bill and if I used it to pay for lunch, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to receive a similar comment, regardless of income levels or relationship of either party. 

In my experience, average person does not carry $100 bills for various reasons, including are harder to spend (many places don’t accept large bills). 
 

So...while it would bother me, I would have expected a snarky or joke comment. 

[TheReader]

16 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

I think the difference is the sense of equality. That would just vary with the situation. 

Ah, that makes sense. I could definitely see where with some, it might feel weird. Thanks for responding! 🙂   

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, 2squared said:

Yes, it would bother me.

But....pulling out $100 bills is noticeable and will usually result in a similar comment. If I had a $100 bill and if I used it to pay for lunch, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to receive a similar comment, regardless of income levels or relationship of either party. 

In my experience, average person does not carry $100 bills for various reasons, including are harder to spend (many places don’t accept large bills). 
 

So...while it would bother me, I would have expected a snarky or joke comment. 

Yeah. I should have gotten smaller bills. When I was cashing my voucher, the cashier said “I have a one hundred dollar bill. Is that okay?” I thought I might use it for groceries or something in addition to lunch,  so I said, “Sure.” When we went for lunch, I just pulled it out to pay. I won’t use any more big bills in these situations. I’m usually really careful what I say and what I divulge around this person. Maybe I should have known better. 

[Danae]

39 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

It was said in an eye rolling sort of way. Then it was quickly qualified with, “Oh, just kidding.” It felt passive aggressive, but I can’t be sure. I guess it was, if that’s how it seemed.

That sounds to me like she was surprised by the 100, made a comment, realized it sounded snarky and tried to backtrack.  So I would file it as "we all say unthinking things sometimes" and let it go.  

[wintermom]

There are 2 perspectives to this situation and from your friend's side of the table, you pulling out a $100 bill to pay for lunch may have been a bit of a shock. If you had explained the background of the money like you did for us, she may have reacted completely differently. 

[pinball]

Without commenting on the situation, smaller denomination bills are just safer.

The old school way of carrying cash is to stack your bills largest to smallest, then fold in half with the smallest denomination on the outside.

when you need to pay, the best thing to do is to (if possible) get the cash ready out of sight that is needed to pay, then keep the rest of your money either in your pocket, wallet, purse, etc. so for example, if you need to go into a quick mart to get a coffee or pick up a gallon of milk, get a $5 or $10 out and use that to pay. Leave your bigger bills out of sight.

if that isn’t possible, still pull your smallest bill possible out of your stack to pay. Put your stack away, then get your change, count it and put it quickly away. When you are alone, then recombine your change with your stack.

same goes for getting cash from a walk up ATM. Quickly count your cash before leaving the machine and quickly put it away. Do not walk away with the cash in your hand.

with getting cash from drive up ATM, roll up your window IMMEDIATELY after retrieving your cash, card and receipt. Count after the window is rolled up.

cash is a temptation for desperate people.

do not leave anything amount of cash OR CHANGE visible in your car. Not even the smallest amount.

[Emba]

47 minutes ago, wintermom said:

There are 2 perspectives to this situation and from your friend's side of the table, you pulling out a $100 bill to pay for lunch may have been a bit of a shock. If you had explained the background of the money like you did for us, she may have reacted completely differently. 

But why should OP have to explain?I find it incredibly tasteless that the friend commented on the money at all. Like, other people’s money and what bills they carry isn’t my business. She doesn’t owe anybody an explanation for it. I never carry $100 bills, but I wouldn’t think much about anyone else doing so, and I certainly wouldn’t comment on it.

Edited April 29, 2021 by Emba

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yeah. I should have gotten smaller bills. When I was cashing my voucher, the cashier said “I have a one hundred dollar bill. Is that okay?” I thought I might use it for groceries or something in addition to lunch,  so I said, “Sure.” When we went for lunch, I just pulled it out to pay. I won’t use any more big bills in these situations. I’m usually really careful what I say and what I divulge around this person. Maybe I should have known better. 

No. Someone else’s pettiness/insecurity isn’t on you. 
 

You are a grown adult. You get to use whatever sort of payment you want and don’t owe anyone an explanation. 
 

Saying “you should have known better” to using a certain denomination of legal tender is akin to saying “she should have known better” to wearing a short skirt. Just no. 
 

Your friend made a rude comment. That is entirely on her.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

My dh puts his loose change in a bowl each day. It eventually fills up, and I have it counted and get a voucher for cash. I did this one day and thought I might buy lunch for myself and someone else that day. So, later, I pulled out a hundred dollar bill to pay, and the person for whom I was buying lunch says, “Must be nice!” It wasn’t in a joking  sort of way. It was more like a judgmental sort of tone. This person makes tons of assumptions constantly and I know they were just thinking, yeah, they’ve got money. (We are not rolling in it, but we do okay. I think they think we have much more than we do).  I guess because of this, it just really bothered me. I thought it insensitive and rude. Wasn’t  it?

It depends on the background of this person.  My brother used to say that to me a lot.  Funny thing, but I stayed in school longer, worked more hours, avoided expensive habits, counted my pennies, and voila, like magic, one day I had more disposable income.  I must have been extra tired one day, because he said "it must be nice" and I responded, "yes, it is nice."  He never said that again.

[SKL]

I do agree with trying to use smaller denominations though.  It's usually easier for the recipient and less likely to draw the eyes of anyone who might be tempted to steal.

In your situation, I might have said something like "gonna dip into the grocery money" upon flashing the $100.

However, if these are people who know you well, it shouldn't mean anything to them whether you are paying with $100 bills or penny rolls.

Edited April 29, 2021 by SKL

[Indigo Blue]

There is history. I’m trying to be vague and not post too much anymore. I was trying to figure out if this was just another tiny dig. It felt that way, so it probably was. Thanks. These replies give some perspective. There’s a million jillion similar examples, but time and again I seem blind to perspective. 

[Garga]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

There is history. I’m trying to be vague and not post too much anymore. I was trying to figure out if this was just another tiny dig. It felt that way, so it probably was. Thanks. These replies give some perspective. There’s a million jillion similar examples, but time and again I seem blind to perspective. 

You didn’t do anything wrong at all. You’re not some 15 year old drug dealer waving illegally gotten money around. You’re a grown woman who got some money out of the bank. 

I fully understand that these interactions with this person leave you shaken and doubting yourself. I really get it. I’ve had some recent encounters with someone who sounds like the person you’re dealing with and it is really hard to handle. I can understand needing to get some sane perspective. 

It was a dig and it was meant to get at you. You weren’t doing anything wrong. 

[WildflowerMom]

I have an uncle that routinely says "must be nice" to my mom whenever she gets something or goes somewhere.    He does it to make a joke, but I have a feeling there's some meaning behind it too.   I told my mom to reply to him, "you're right, it is nice."  But then I'm moody that way.  😆

[Katy]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

There is history. I’m trying to be vague and not post too much anymore. I was trying to figure out if this was just another tiny dig. It felt that way, so it probably was. Thanks. These replies give some perspective. There’s a million jillion similar examples, but time and again I seem blind to perspective. 

I have a cousin like this. Growing up I wanted to be her friend.  She wanted to compete.  She was a year behind me in school so because of the nature of how growing up works, she usually lost, and would constantly make snotty, disappointed, or passive aggressive comments.  

As adults we’ve wanted totally different things so the competition is over.  But she still seems like an immature, insecure, jealous, and status-seeking person to me. I’m not sure why.  I’ve never known her mother well but I suspect she’s the same way.  

[hippymamato3]

4 hours ago, TheReader said:

wait, really....? Is this a common feeling on lunch-buying? 

I've been with various friends where we take turns paying for each other, or we each pay our own, or I offer to pay because I asked her out to lunch and want to treat her, or......but, do people really get bugged by folks paying for their lunch? 

ETA: not arguing with you, at all; clearly you are people, and you feel this way, but more spring-boarding from that to my question, to see if that's a common feeling and I've just been clueless (which is very very very possible).

I have dinner with two friends once a month.We take turns (basically whoever grabs it first) paying the whole check. It's never a big deal. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by hippymamato3

[hippymamato3]

 

 

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I do agree with trying to use smaller denominations though.  It's usually easier for the recipient and less likely to draw the eyes of anyone who might be tempted to steal.

In your situation, I might have said something like "gonna dip into the grocery money" upon flashing the $100.

However, if these are people who know you well, it shouldn't mean anything to them whether you are paying with $100 bills or penny rolls.

But why? 

[JustEm]

That would bother me and I would have likely followed it up with, 'yes, it is nice that I'm paying for you.  If you would rather pay for yourself that is fine too."  But I tend not to let people get away with their crappy behavior.

Having a $100 bill and using doesn't say anything about a person other than the fact that they have that instead of 5 $20 bills or any other assortment of 100 hundred dollars. 

[alisoncooks]

It was a rude comment. It's not like you waved it in front of their face or pulled out a fat roll of hundreds and flipped through them. (Or did you, lol?)

When we visit my parents, my dad occasionally slips me a $100 to help "pay for gas." So sometimes I have a $100 bill to pay for things. Totally not a reflection on anything (except that I have a great dad). 

[HS Mom in NC]

I can't stand passive aggressive people, so I wouldn't have invited one out to lunch.

History would be the context I would use to judge it.  If I had no history with the person I would've assumed it was joke.  Be very careful about interpreting tone on these issues, some people have absolutely deadpan humor, so if you don't know them well enough, you have to consider it a possibility.

If the person had a history of passive aggressive behavior I would avoid them.  If it was an unavoidable situation I would've joked back, "Don't get used to it-it doesn't happen often." if I was feeling generous or, "Does that mean you want to pay for it?" in a sincere tone if I wanted to put an end to it.

[PeppermintPattie]

I get tired of having to use small bills all the time. When I was a kid, $20 was a lot of money - our whole family could eat out on that! Now, it pays for 1.25 people at an inexpensive sit down restaurant, at the very most. I wish $50 and $100 bills were more the norm like the euro bills are in Europe, and I don't know why they aren't.

[Indigo Blue]

10 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

(Or did you, lol?)

Oh, heavens, no! Lol 😆 

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, TheReader said:

wait, really....? Is this a common feeling on lunch-buying? 

I've been with various friends where we take turns paying for each other, or we each pay our own, or I offer to pay because I asked her out to lunch and want to treat her, or......but, do people really get bugged by folks paying for their lunch? 

ETA: not arguing with you, at all; clearly you are people, and you feel this way, but more spring-boarding from that to my question, to see if that's a common feeling and I've just been clueless (which is very very very possible).

I don't feel this way.  Ha.  If someone wants to buy me lunch I am all for it.  If I feel like they have done it too many times in a row I will insist on paying.

[Emba]

3 hours ago, MEmama said:

No. Someone else’s pettiness/insecurity isn’t on you. 
 

You are a grown adult. You get to use whatever sort of payment you want and don’t owe anyone an explanation. 
 

Saying “you should have known better” to using a certain denomination of legal tender is akin to saying “she should have known better” to wearing a short skirt. Just no. 
 

Your friend made a rude comment. That is entirely on her.

This. This entirely!

[WildflowerMom]

27 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Oh, heavens, no! Lol 😆 

Oh come on now.  You didn’t lick your fingers and then peel the $100 off and slap it on the table in front of her??  You did it wrong then.  😆

[HS Mom in NC]

Also, if someone buys me a meal I tip the wait staff what I would've paid for my meal. I was already planning to spend that amount, and I if I can afford to eat out and someone covers the cost for me, the waitstaff should get the bonus, not me. I don't need it.  They do.

[MEmama]

4 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Also, if someone buys me a meal I tip the wait staff what I would've paid for my meal. I was already planning to spend that amount, and I if I can afford to eat out and someone covers the cost for me, the waitstaff should get the bonus, not me. I don't need it.  They do.

Oh, that’s lovely! I’m totally stealing this idea. 🙂 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, hippymamato3 said:

 

 

But why? 

I’m wondering the same thing. I would never think to judge a person based on whether they paid for something in singles or in hundreds. And how is it “flashy” to use $100 bills? It’s just money. It’s not like an old gangster movie where the guy pulls out a huge roll of cash and starts handing it out as a way of showing off. It’s just another bill in your wallet. People use them all the time.

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yeah. I should have gotten smaller bills. When I was cashing my voucher, the cashier said “I have a one hundred dollar bill. Is that okay?” I thought I might use it for groceries or something in addition to lunch,  so I said, “Sure.” When we went for lunch, I just pulled it out to pay. I won’t use any more big bills in these situations. I’m usually really careful what I say and what I divulge around this person. Maybe I should have known better. 

Since you want to retain some co tact with this person, then yes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself.  But know that it is not normal to judge someone because they are paying with a $100 bill.

It is telling  that you walk on eggshells with her....because you started this story justifying and explaining how you came to be in possession of the $100.  I was thinking you were going to be annoyed by a bowl full of change.  Or that you spent it on  something for yourself and your husband was mad at you. Lol

Where you got the money has no bearing on this situation.  Unless she is supporting you or you owe her a bunch of money, YOUR money is non of her business. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Scarlett

[Catwoman]

5 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yeah. I should have gotten smaller bills. When I was cashing my voucher, the cashier said “I have a one hundred dollar bill. Is that okay?” I thought I might use it for groceries or something in addition to lunch,  so I said, “Sure.” When we went for lunch, I just pulled it out to pay. I won’t use any more big bills in these situations. I’m usually really careful what I say and what I divulge around this person. Maybe I should have known better. 

Why would you let this woman have any power over you? Pay for lunch with whatever bills you choose. And if she doesn’t like it, that’s her problem to deal with, not yours.

You did nothing wrong. People pay for things with $100 bills every day. 

[2squared]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I’m wondering the same thing. I would never think to judge a person based on whether they paid for something in singles or in hundreds. And how is it “flashy” to use $100 bills? It’s just money. It’s not like an old gangster movie where the guy pulls out a huge roll of cash and starts handing it out as a way of showing off. It’s just another bill in your wallet. People use them all the time.

I agree $100 bills are just money, but I do NOT see people using them all the time. It’s very noticeable when someone pulls out a $100 bill. 
 

We are higher income living in a rural lower cost of living area, and a $100 bill will draw a comment every.single.time. 

[Splash1]

I am often in the position of hearing comments like that.  People often assume things about us.  It is frustrating.  I use $100 bills all the time.  It is what I have, what is the difference between having a bunch of $20s and a $100 bill?  Sometimes it is exhausting to worry about other people's feelings all the time or having the feeling I need to explain, when really I would never ask someone about their money or how they afford something, or comment that it must be nice.  I am somewhat private though and was taught to never discuss money with people outside spouse.'

edited to add that my adult son rents from us and pays me in $100 bills, I then use it to pay other things, simpler than running to the bank and changing it. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Splash1

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, 2squared said:

I agree $100 bills are just money, but I do NOT see people using them all the time. It’s very noticeable when someone pulls out a $100 bill. 
 

We are higher income living in a rural lower cost of living area, and a $100 bill will draw a comment every.single.time. 

It’s not noticeable here. It’s very common. I use them all the time and have never had anyone make a comment about it. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

It absolutely would bug me. My nosy neighbor once said to me "Must be nice to have your kind of money" based on a million incorrect assumptions she had made. It rubbed me the wrong way then and always will. (She stopped by to ask to borrow $100 a few days later, too bad I didn't have your $100 bill on me. Haha. I told her I'd lend her $20). I am NOT rich, and unlike her, I've stayed in jobs I hated until I had a new one lined up. She is consistently unemployed. What I should have snapped back at her, as she was once again just sitting on her porch doing absolutely nothing, was "Must be nice to have your kind of time." 

[SKL]

27 minutes ago, 2squared said:

I agree $100 bills are just money, but I do NOT see people using them all the time. It’s very noticeable when someone pulls out a $100 bill. 
 

We are higher income living in a rural lower cost of living area, and a $100 bill will draw a comment every.single.time. 

Yeah, I can only remember one time I had to use a $100 because that's what came out of the ATM machine.  I apologized to my cleaning lady for giving her a bill that might be hard to break.  Some establishments won't accept a $100 bill.

I never intentionally carry anything bigger than a $20.

I'm not saying anyone has a right to get an attitude about a $100, but depending on the person's situation, it does not surprise me that it raises eyebrows for some.  A lot depends on the context.  And part of being a human is being aware of how the context is going to affect people's perspectives.

[Indigo Blue]

I think I should add it’s not really about money, anyway. Also, that I’m not being singled out and am alone in this. There can be and has been volatility in varying degrees in most relationships that are close or not so close to them.