Is this just a normal part of mourning?

[Mom0012]

My mom, my best friend, passed away last fall after a long struggle with cancer. I was very involved in her care and that last year I spent with her gave me such a sense of purpose that it was almost a spiritual experience. I often was overwhelmed with intense feelings of gratitude and happiness during that year. The day of her death still came rather unexpectedly and she suffered in a way that was pretty traumatic for me. I have lots of regrets about how I handled things that day and feel like I wish I could have gotten better care for her that day so that she didn’t suffer so much. Overall, though, I recognize that she had a wonderful life, filled with friends and family who loved her, as well as being financially strong enough that she was always able to have all her needs met and to live in comfort.

I do not feel like doing anything anymore, though. I am not depressed. If a friend invites me out for a walk or for lunch, I will go. I work a couple of hours in the evenings and I drive my ds to one of his summer classes each week to spend time with him. I do all the shopping and prepare dinner each day and make my dh’s lunch. I do all the laundry. I clean the house and keep up with the dishes. I pay the bills. I research college stuff for my dd. But this leaves me with many many hours a day free. I can get motivated to do things to meet the needs of my kids and dh, but I am sleeping a ridiculous amount of time (10-12 hours a day) and can’t get motivated to do anything beyond what I do for my family and friends. When I wake up in the morning, I think about my mom and I don’t want to get up. I have always been very aware of my own mortality and went through a severe depression at about 12/13 yo that lasted a number of years because I began to realize how short life was. I am not depressed now, but I know I am at very high risk for breast cancer and I also know that even if I don’t get cancer, life is very short. That thought, combined with the realization that I’ve lost my mom and will never have her again, is just having kind of a dulling, de-motivating effect on me, but it is not depression because most of the time I feel perfectly normal and am capable of easily carrying on with my responsibilities.

So, is this just normal for mourning? I’m getting a little disgusted with myself that I am being so lazy. And, of course, the ultimate motivator for me, always, is that I feel like I’m not setting a good example for my children. And yet, I still can’t get motivated. If this is just normal for mourning, how long might this last?

[Mom0012]

Now that I’ve written all this out, I think it may just be that I’ve lost my sense of purpose. No one needs me as much as my mom did and my kids have become pretty independent by now. So, I guess I can easily fix this by finding a new purpose, lol?

[Karen A]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I'm so glad you were able to love her so well through her illness and have the wonderful relationship that you did.  Many hugs.

It has NOT been very long since she died, and I think you are having very normal responses to the loss. I would be very gentle with yourself, and give yourself a lot of grace.

I just see you added the post about purpose.  Certainly that likely has a large role as well. Your roles are changing.  Some people need to keep busy more than others, and find a new outlet for their energies.  It may be a good idea to start brainstorming on what your next steps/years might look like.  I'm impressed with your insight that you got from writing!  Best to you, Mom 0012.

 

[Pen]

It is probably still normal mourning. A loss like that never goes completely away, but often time and new things in your life seem to help move into a new phase, with new purpose, and to have more memories about the good things and the active morning goes away.  But things like anniversary of the death, birthdate, special occasions the loved one isn’t at May retriever some sadness.  

New activities and purpose probably would help a lot.  

[Mom0012]

17 minutes ago, Karen A said:

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I'm so glad you were able to love her so well through her illness and have the wonderful relationship that you did.  Many hugs.

It has NOT been very long since she died, and I think you are having very normal responses to the loss. I would be very gentle with yourself, and give yourself a lot of grace.

I just see you added the post about purpose.  Certainly that likely has a large role as well. Your roles are changing.  Some people need to keep busy more than others, and find a new outlet for their energies.  It may be a good idea to start brainstorming on what your next steps/years might look like.  I'm impressed with your insight that you got from writing!  Best to you, Mom 0012.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words, Karen. You would think it would be easy to find support for this type of loss IRL among loved ones, but it’s been long enough that voicing the loss almost seems like it’s taboo at this point.

[Mom0012]

4 minutes ago, Pen said:

It is probably still normal mourning. A loss like that never goes completely away, but often time and new things in your life seem to help move into a new phase, with new purpose, and to have more memories about the good things and the active morning goes away.  But things like anniversary of the death, birthdate, special occasions the loved one isn’t at May retriever some sadness.  

New activities and purpose probably would help a lot.  

Yeah. I’m just not sure what direction to get involved in. I am sure I will find it, though, once I get serious with myself about getting over the laziness. Thank you.

[Rachel]

I think the first year after a loss is the most difficult. It’s hard to find that new normal and there are the constant firsts. 

I don’t think you ever get over a loss, you just learn how to go on.  Hang in there!

[DawnM]

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

I think it is depression.  It is situational depression.  It is the 4th stage of grief.  

I don't think everyone goes through each and every stage and we all go through the process differently, but what you are describing fits.

It might be helpful to meet with a counselor who deals specifically with grief and the grieving process.

[Ellie]

5 hours ago, Mom0012 said:

So, is this just normal for mourning? I’m getting a little disgusted with myself that I am being so lazy. And, of course, the ultimate motivator for me, always, is that I feel like I’m not setting a good example for my children. And yet, I still can’t get motivated. If this is just normal for mourning, how long might this last?

Yes, dear, it is normal for mourning. ((((((Mom0012)))))

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it’s more like—you were responding to immediate, heavy needs so consistently for so long that you kind of honed away all the other stuff.  Now the other stuff appears, and there is no real drive to pay attention to it.  That was adaptive for a while, and eventually it will pass.

I would not worry about it.

[Garga]

I’d say you are absolutely depressed.  Not mental illness depressed that is caused by a chemical imbalance, but sad and appropriately grieving depressed.  You are still able to carry out the functions that need to be carried out, but you are also carrying a heavy load of grief as you go about your day.

It hasn’t even been a year.  I do think it’s normal.  To call yourself lazy makes me cringe.  You are not lazy.  You are actively grieving and that saps a lot of energy.  Please, please do not call yourself lazy.  You are not lazy.

I do not think that you can get motivated and “fix this”.  I don’t think you’re broken and need fixing.   I think you’re going through a difficult time and it will naturally pass/change as time goes on.  I don’t think trying to force a motivation is necessary at this point.  

And I also think it’s quite a shame that your IRL people are acting like it’s taboo to talk about this.  It need not be taboo.  It’s actually part of the healing process for you to be able to talk about your mom and your feelings for a good two years or more after the fact without feeling like you have to keep silent due to a taboo.  Is there any friend that you have that is a gentle soul who will listen to you talk without acting like it’s taboo?  Are you sure it’s a taboo? Are you sure you can’t just start talking about her?  People might be uncomfortable because they’ll immediately think, “Uh oh!  I have to come up with something clever and comforting to say!” And they worry that they’ll fail you.  But if you let them know, “You don’t have to try to comfort me.  It’s a comfort simply being able to talk to you about this.  Don’t worry about having to say anything back,” then they might be just fine listening to you talk.  

Would you like to tell us some stories about your mom?  We will listen!  

 

You are normal.  You are not lazy.  You are not unmotivated.  You are grieving.  Your mama must have been a wonderful person for you to miss her so very much.  She must have been very precious to you.  I am so sorry that she is gone.  Even though her last day was so upsetting, that’s all over now.  It was one bad day in a lifetime filled with many good days.  That one bad day doesn’t negate all the joy she must have felt when she was raising her little girl and when she was being cared by you during her last year here.  

Edited June 8, 2019 by Garga

[Rosie_0801]

It's normal and has nothing to do with laziness.

That's the feeling you get when a large chunk of your heart has gone too far away for you to look after it any more.

You will grow some more eventually.

[Robin M]

Hugs and good thoughts winging your way.  Sounds like a normal part of mourning as I remember when my mom passed away.  I was in a fog and although went through the normal routine of life, pretty much dropped the oars and just floated for a while.  Grief comes in waves and you just have to ride that wave until the fog clears.  It isn't laziness as Garga said.  Everyone deals with grief in different ways and talking it out or crying when you need to cry is part of it.  Takes it stages and just let your kids know when you're having a rough day and need a hug. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Robin M

[Guest]

Yes, that is normal for mourning. 

I’m sorry. Be gentle with yourself. 

[Tanaqui]

You say you "are not depressed", but then you described something that sounds 100% like depression. (Edit: I can be very specific if you like, but that's going to come out pretty lecture-y, which isn't my intent.) It might not be the same sort of depression you went through a decade ago, but it's definitely depression.

And yes, this is a normal part of the mourning process. It has been less than a year since your mother died. It's gonna suck for a long time, and the first year is the absolute worst. Second year isn't so great either.

You're not lazy. You're not unmotivated. You certainly aren't setting a bad example. You are grieving, and you are suffering from a form of depression, which pretty much anybody would be during the year after a parent's death.

You might want to consider getting a little therapy. NOT because you are in any way abnormal, but because you are judging yourself very harshly over what is extremely normal, and it is affecting your life. Plus, therapy would definitely give you a judgment-free space to talk about your feelings that you don't feel comfortable sharing with others right now.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Teresa in MO]

I think this is a normal part of mourning the loss of your mother.  When I lost my dh suddenly almost 3 years ago, I felt the same way.  The only thing that got me out of bed some days was that I had to for the kids.  I had to force myself to do more than just the basics.  I still get that way at times.  I try my hardest to get through it.  So sorry for your loss.

[Mom0012]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

I’d say you are absolutely depressed.  Not mental illness depressed that is caused by a chemical imbalance, but sad and appropriately grieving depressed.  You are still able to carry out the functions that need to be carried out, but you are also carrying a heavy load of grief as you go about your day.

It hasn’t even been a year.  I do think it’s normal.  To call yourself lazy makes me cringe.  You are not lazy.  You are actively grieving and that saps a lot of energy.  Please, please do not call yourself lazy.  You are not lazy.

I do not think that you can get motivated and “fix this”.  I don’t think you’re broken and need fixing.   I think you’re going through a difficult time and it will naturally pass/change as time goes on.  I don’t think trying to force a motivation is necessary at this point.  

And I also think it’s quite a shame that your IRL people are acting like it’s taboo to talk about this.  It need not be taboo.  It’s actually part of the healing process for you to be able to talk about your mom and your feelings for a good two years or more after the fact without feeling like you have to keep silent due to a taboo.  Is there any friend that you have that is a gentle soul who will listen to you talk without acting like it’s taboo?  Are you sure it’s a taboo? Are you sure you can’t just start talking about her?  People might be uncomfortable because they’ll immediately think, “Uh oh!  I have to come up with something clever and comforting to say!” And they worry that they’ll fail you.  But if you let them know, “You don’t have to try to comfort me.  It’s a comfort simply being able to talk to you about this.  Don’t worry about having to say anything back,” then they might be just fine listening to you talk.  

Would you like to tell us some stories about your mom?  We will listen!  

 

You are normal.  You are not lazy.  You are not unmotivated.  You are grieving.  Your mama must have been a wonderful person for you to miss her so very much.  She must have been very precious to you.  I am so sorry that she is gone.  Even though her last day was so upsetting, that’s all over now.  It was one bad day in a lifetime filled with many good days.  That one bad day doesn’t negate all the joy she must have felt when she was raising her little girl and when she was being cared by you during her last year here.  

Thanks so much for sticking up for me, Garga. That’s really sweet of you!

Honestly though, when I say lazy, I am just labeling a behavior in myself that I want to change. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself or anything like that. I’m just seeing change that I don’t like and, really, wondering if it is related to my loss. I actually still was doing quite a lot until a few months ago, but it has gotten harder for me and that has been a surprise. I’ve also never been able to sleep for more than 7 or 8 hours and it feels weird to be able to sleep for so long. Especially because I don’t feel sad all the time or even most of the time. I have strong periods of grief, but those pass. 

I guess most of the IRL people I am seeing are suffering from the loss as well, so if I bring it up, I wind up comforting them. I have understood my mom was dying for the last year of her life, so I am actually further along in my grief than them. If I bring her up with my sister, she winds up in a puddle and I feel like I’ve really upset her. The same with my dad.  I do actually have a close friend from high school that went through something very similar caring for her mom and then losing her not that long ago. I just haven’t seen her that much lately. But, I could make an effort and change that.

Anyway, thanks for the support and the especially your last paragraph. My mother really was just that special. Not just to me, but to everyone who knew her.

[Mom0012]

3 hours ago, Robin M said:

Hugs and good thoughts winging your way.  Sounds like a normal part of mourning as I remember when my mom passed away.  I was in a fog and although went through the normal routine of life, pretty much dropped the oars and just floated for a while.  Grief comes in waves and you just have to ride that wave until the fog clears.  It isn't laziness as Garga said.  Everyone deals with grief in different ways and talking it out or crying when you need to cry is part of it.  Takes it stages and just let your kids know when you're having a rough day and need a hug. 

 

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Yes, that is normal for mourning. 

I’m sorry. Be gentle with yourself. 

 

1 hour ago, Teresa in MO said:

I think this is a normal part of mourning the loss of your mother.  When I lost my dh suddenly almost 3 years ago, I felt the same way.  The only thing that got me out of bed some days was that I had to for the kids.  I had to force myself to do more than just the basics.  I still get that way at times.  I try my hardest to get through it.  So sorry for your loss.

Thanks, Robin, Teresa and Quill. I have been thinking it was probably normal, but it is helpful to hear it from others that have been through it.

[Pen]

 

26 minutes ago, Mom0012 said:

Anyway, thanks for the support and the especially your last paragraph. My mother really was just that special. Not just to me, but to everyone who knew her.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss.  And at same time, it must also be wonderful to have such a wonderful mom, even if now dead, yet still within your memory, and for having helped make you who you are.

[Mom0012]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

You say you "are not depressed", but then you described something that sounds 100% like depression. (Edit: I can be very specific if you like, but that's going to come out pretty lecture-y, which isn't my intent.) It might not be the same sort of depression you went through a decade ago, but it's definitely depression.

And yes, this is a normal part of the mourning process. It has been less than a year since your mother died. It's gonna suck for a long time, and the first year is the absolute worst. Second year isn't so great either.

You're not lazy. You're not unmotivated. You certainly aren't setting a bad example. You are grieving, and you are suffering from a form of depression, which pretty much anybody would be during the year after a parent's death.

You might want to consider getting a little therapy. NOT because you are in any way abnormal, but because you are judging yourself very harshly over what is extremely normal, and it is affecting your life. Plus, therapy would definitely give you a judgment-free space to talk about your feelings that you don't feel comfortable sharing with others right now.

Honestly, I’m really not judging myself harshly.  I’m just noticing my behavior and have thought maybe it is related to the loss. I really am trying to be gentle with myself. I have felt guilty about it because it really doesn’t feel like depression. (The last time I was depressed was actually almost 40 years ago, but I remember not caring about anything and not being able to function at all.) 

I have a very low motivation level at the moment, but am fully functioning. It’s very different. The main thing that bothers me about it is that I really don’t think it is a good example for my kids. And they know I miss my mom, and they miss her too, but they have no real comprehension of my loss, so I don’t think they are connecting that with me being so inactive.

Actually, it has been great to talk about it a bit here. If things don’t improve in the next few months, I may seek some guidance, but I have a feeling things will improve with time. Thanks.

[Mom0012]

14 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

I’m so sorry for your loss.  And at same time, it must also be wonderful to have such a wonderful mom, even if now dead, yet still within your memory, and for having helped make you who you are.

Yes! It really was and I am incredibly lucky. I do try to focus on that. I do realize how fortunate I am to have had her. Thank you!

[PrincessMommy]

I wonder if you're mourning both the loss of your mother and this change of season that is coming with older kids.    A year is not that long to mourn the death of a loved one but it looks like, from your siggy line, that you are on the cusp of becoming an Empty Nester.  Both of those events are huge markers in a person's life.  I think you have it right that at least some of it might have to do with not having a sense of purpose. 

[Pen]

13 minutes ago, Mom0012 said:

Honestly, I’m really not judging myself harshly.  I’m just noticing my behavior and have thought maybe it is related to the loss. I really am trying to be gentle with myself. I have felt guilty about it because it really doesn’t feel like depression. (The last time I was depressed was actually almost 40 years ago, but I remember not caring about anything and not being able to function at all.) 

I have a very low motivation level at the moment, but am fully functioning. It’s very different. The main thing that bothers me about it is that I really don’t think it is a good example for my kids. And they know I miss my mom, and they miss her too, but they have no real comprehension of my loss, so I don’t think they are connecting that with me being so inactive.

Actually, it has been great to talk about it a bit here. If things don’t improve in the next few months, I may seek some guidance, but I have a feeling things will improve with time. Thanks.

 

Have you cried and so forth?

 

when we had a family death and I was worried about seeming weak or affected by the loss, my dc’s therapist advised going ahead and crying etc, not trying to hide sadness.  And then also letting dc see how I was working through the loss, processing it.

 

like maybe telling them that you’re experiencing reacting to loss and grief at this point as difficulty motivating yourself...

Edited June 9, 2019 by Pen

[Mom0012]

1 minute ago, PrincessMommy said:

I wonder if you're mourning both the loss of your mother and this change of season that is coming with older kids.    A year is not that long to mourn the death of a loved one but it looks like, from your siggy line, that you are on the cusp of becoming an Empty Nester.  Both of those events are huge markers in a person's life.  I think you have it right that at least some of it might have to do with not having a sense of purpose. 

I think so, Debbi. I’ve thrown my whole heart into my kids and homeschooling them, but they have both become pretty independent in high school with online and coop classes. Caring for my mom gave me a purpose and a direction I had not fully felt for awhile. It was a great final gift she gave me. I know things will be changing drastically for me once my dd leaves for college and that I will need to find a new direction, but I am not ready to start anything until my she goes. 

[Mom0012]

9 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Have you cried and so forth?

 

when we had a family death and I was worried about seeming weak or affected by the loss, my dc’s therapist advised going ahead and crying etc, not trying to hide sadness.  And then also letting dc see how I was working through the loss, processing it.

 

like maybe telling them that you’re experiencing reacting to loss and grief at this point as difficulty motivating yourself...

I cried a lot during my mom’s last year. A number of times one or the other of them heard me and came to comfort me. It always surprised me because I didn’t even realize I was crying so anyone could hear me.

I could tell them that my lack of motivation is related to the loss of my mom. I’ll have to think about that. I guess if I think about it, my dd understands somewhat that I am still feeling the loss and that I am missing having a direction and a purpose. She has tried to help me brainstorm things that I might want to get involved in once she is in college. My son is a sweet kid, but I really don’t think he cares about my motivation as long as I feed him, lol. Actually, he probably prefers me in low motivation mode because it keeps me off his back while he is home for the summer. 🙂 I still feel guilty, but maybe I will just have to let that go.

[Chris in VA]

I have been in a depression caused by loss and grief, so boy I feel I can relate. I lost my brother, then dd went to college (youngest kid), then we moved and I "lost" my house and the place I lived for 17 years. I stopped teaching and felt a loss of purpose, both from a change in mothering and that job loss. I get up and clean, iron, cook, go exploring, and have formed new relationships. I still laugh and have fun, but I would say I am slightly depressed.  (I also went through years of clinical depression so Ikwym when you say it feels different.)

It is all part of grief. It helps me to reframe and use different vocabulary when describing my feelings and experience.  I am not lazy, I am feeling unenergized, for example.

It does provide an opportunity for gratitude for all I had, but just going straight there and not through the sadness (and anger, actually) means I feel the effects of taking a short-cut through grief. 

Give yourself all the time you need without judging yourself. Allow other people who miss her to miss her and cry in your presence--you are not upsetting them, they are processing their grief--cry with those who cry! It is ok. 

I am so sorry you lost your mom. My parents will be leaving soon and I am not happy about that--it is a very hard rite of passage, esp when they have been good parents. 

Be gentle with yourself, and patient. I wish you peace.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Chris in VA

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Mom0012 said:

Thanks so much for sticking up for me, Garga. That’s really sweet of you!

Honestly though, when I say lazy, I am just labeling a behavior in myself that I want to change. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself or anything like that. I’m just seeing change that I don’t like and, really, wondering if it is related to my loss. I actually still was doing quite a lot until a few months ago, but it has gotten harder for me and that has been a surprise. I’ve also never been able to sleep for more than 7 or 8 hours and it feels weird to be able to sleep for so long. Especially because I don’t feel sad all the time or even most of the time. I have strong periods of grief, but those pass. 

I guess most of the IRL people I am seeing are suffering from the loss as well, so if I bring it up, I wind up comforting them. I have understood my mom was dying for the last year of her life, so I am actually further along in my grief than them. If I bring her up with my sister, she winds up in a puddle and I feel like I’ve really upset her. The same with my dad.  I do actually have a close friend from high school that went through something very similar caring for her mom and then losing her not that long ago. I just haven’t seen her that much lately. But, I could make an effort and change that.

Anyway, thanks for the support and the especially your last paragraph. My mother really was just that special. Not just to me, but to everyone who knew her.

I highly recommend getting a counselor or therapist. When I lost my daughter at birth, my counselor was of tremendous value. It was great to have someone who could hear whatever I needed to say without judgment and, honestly, I didn’t have much in the way of friends or family who could really do that. 

For me, grieving included profound apathy at times. I still went through the motions of doing necessary things but I felt like a robot running a program. I felt like - why does anything matter? Why do I have to do *anything*? I thought of myself like a feather or a leaf, carried along by the wind. 

[Pawz4me]

I think it's normal mourning. Or at least I hope it is, as I've been going through something similar, although much longer term. I think that we (rightly) put so much attention on depression nowadays that it's easy to buy into the idea that we're always supposed to be happy and upbeat, and to bounce back quickly when things knock us down. And that's just not true. Sometimes life is dang hard. And I think we need to understand that it's okay to feel grief and sadness during those times, and we need to fully allow ourselves to feel those feelings without a timetable for when they should end.

Good luck in your hunt for a new purpose. You will find one!

[fairfarmhand]

8 hours ago, Mom0012 said:

I cried a lot during my mom’s last year. A number of times one or the other of them heard me and came to comfort me. It always surprised me because I didn’t even realize I was crying so anyone could hear me.

I could tell them that my lack of motivation is related to the loss of my mom. I’ll have to think about that. I guess if I think about it, my dd understands somewhat that I am still feeling the loss and that I am missing having a direction and a purpose. She has tried to help me brainstorm things that I might want to get involved in once she is in college. My son is a sweet kid, but I really don’t think he cares about my motivation as long as I feed him, lol. Actually, he probably prefers me in low motivation mode because it keeps me off his back while he is home for the summer. 🙂 I still feel guilty, but maybe I will just have to let that go.

honestly, most people don’t see many examples of grief. I do think it’s ok for our kids to see how it affects us. One day they may need to know what is normal. They also may need to support someone who is close to them. I bet seeing you will make them into kinder, more compassionate and more thoughtful people in the future when dealing with those who’ve had a loss., 

[EmilyGF]

(Hugs.) You've gotten a lot of good feedback, but I wanted to add my 0.02 from a few years ago when our baby died. I was borderline for postpartum depression but requested not be medicated, but to be allowed to work through my feelings purposefully. For me, that worked well. For others, medication is what allows them to work through those feelings.

I had read in some book about grief that the quickest way to get to sunrise is to run headfirst into the darkness; that if you're running away from the darkness, you're just postponing the time until dawn. For me, this gave me freedom to give into the depths of my sadness. I spent hours in bed listening to sad songs that made me cry while pumping for someone else's baby (I did milk donation for about 3 months). I longed for sleep because it meant I wouldn't feel anything. Then, when I woke up in the night, I'd listen to songs that made me cry again until I crashed once more. I did the bare minimum around the house. I kept my kids alive. I read Puritan poetry about people dying. Friends brought us food for 6 weeks. We mourned with all our might for about 3-6 months, depending on how you measure it. Then, a friend of ours was diagnosed with brain cancer and we no longer focused inward. It was a natural break. For me, running into the darkness led to a bright sunrise. I'm the sort who tends to bury things and then erupt. This style of mourning was what I needed. 

If you are a Christian or read Christian books, I'd recommend A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Even just reading the first few chapters redefined how I saw grief and gave me a lot of space to mourn. 

Death sucks. Loss is real.

Emily

[Mom0012]

34 minutes ago, EmilyGF said:

(Hugs.) You've gotten a lot of good feedback, but I wanted to add my 0.02 from a few years ago when our baby died. I was borderline for postpartum depression but requested not be medicated, but to be allowed to work through my feelings purposefully. For me, that worked well. For others, medication is what allows them to work through those feelings.

I had read in some book about grief that the quickest way to get to sunrise is to run headfirst into the darkness; that if you're running away from the darkness, you're just postponing the time until dawn. For me, this gave me freedom to give into the depths of my sadness. I spent hours in bed listening to sad songs that made me cry while pumping for someone else's baby (I did milk donation for about 3 months). I longed for sleep because it meant I wouldn't feel anything. Then, when I woke up in the night, I'd listen to songs that made me cry again until I crashed once more. I did the bare minimum around the house. I kept my kids alive. I read Puritan poetry about people dying. Friends brought us food for 6 weeks. We mourned with all our might for about 3-6 months, depending on how you measure it. Then, a friend of ours was diagnosed with brain cancer and we no longer focused inward. It was a natural break. For me, running into the darkness led to a bright sunrise. I'm the sort who tends to bury things and then erupt. This style of mourning was what I needed. 

If you are a Christian or read Christian books, I'd recommend A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Even just reading the first few chapters redefined how I saw grief and gave me a lot of space to mourn. 

Death sucks. Loss is real.

Emily

Emily, I’m so sorry about your baby. That is the ultimate loss. This is a very interesting perspective on grief that I’ve never heard before. I have pictures in my bedroom and my kitchen of my mom, but I can’t bring myself to look at them most of the time. I feel like I am trying to keep her loss below the surface until it doesn’t hurt so much. This whole thread has had me crying and thinking about her more directly, which I think may be a good thing. Thank you.

[EmilyGF]

1 hour ago, Mom0012 said:

Emily, I’m so sorry about your baby. That is the ultimate loss. This is a very interesting perspective on grief that I’ve never heard before. I have pictures in my bedroom and my kitchen of my mom, but I can’t bring myself to look at them most of the time. I feel like I am trying to keep her loss below the surface until it doesn’t hurt so much. This whole thread has had me crying and thinking about her more directly, which I think may be a good thing. Thank you.

Thank you for your kind response, but I'm going to disagree with the bolded.

One thing I learned in Sittser's book is that there is no "worst" loss - all catastrophic loss is hard, but in different ways. A baby who dies represents a lifetime of dreams lost, but I had no routine or schedule with the baby when he died. We had no memories together. I didn't depend on him to listen to me. I had no sense of distance to him (we weren't mad at each other, for example, when he died). I had no regrets regarding our relationship that would go unresolved. Also, he died rather quickly, so I never had long hospital stays or life disruption. Looking at facets of loss in this way allowed me to understand the loss of a woman whose husband had cheated on her through my baby's death instead of feeling like I had to play the "whose loss is worse" game. I don't know if thinking about things this way is helpful to you, but it was to me. There is a chapter about this in Sittser's book. His mother, wife, and daughter were all simultaneously killed in a car accident and he is the one to make the argument that there is no such thing as a "worst" loss. I found it very helpful. All catastrophic loss sucks.

Emily

[Lawyer&Mom]

You mentioned that you were able to do “more” earlier in your grief than you can now.  This makes sense to me.  That was a different stage, perhaps you were able to and needed to stay busy and avoid your grief to some extent, but now you are ready to and need to process it.  And it hurts.  But the only way out is through.  You can do this.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, EmilyGF said:

(Hugs.) You've gotten a lot of good feedback, but I wanted to add my 0.02 from a few years ago when our baby died. I was borderline for postpartum depression but requested not be medicated, but to be allowed to work through my feelings purposefully. For me, that worked well. For others, medication is what allows them to work through those feelings.

I had read in some book about grief that the quickest way to get to sunrise is to run headfirst into the darkness; that if you're running away from the darkness, you're just postponing the time until dawn. For me, this gave me freedom to give into the depths of my sadness. I spent hours in bed listening to sad songs that made me cry while pumping for someone else's baby (I did milk donation for about 3 months). I longed for sleep because it meant I wouldn't feel anything. Then, when I woke up in the night, I'd listen to songs that made me cry again until I crashed once more. I did the bare minimum around the house. I kept my kids alive. I read Puritan poetry about people dying. Friends brought us food for 6 weeks. We mourned with all our might for about 3-6 months, depending on how you measure it. Then, a friend of ours was diagnosed with brain cancer and we no longer focused inward. It was a natural break. For me, running into the darkness led to a bright sunrise. I'm the sort who tends to bury things and then erupt. This style of mourning was what I needed. 

If you are a Christian or read Christian books, I'd recommend A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Even just reading the first few chapters redefined how I saw grief and gave me a lot of space to mourn. 

Death sucks. Loss is real.

Emily

I wish I had known about this approach to loss when our baby died. I think several things complicated grief for me and it took a (really) long time for me to come to terms with the loss. I think I was so resistant to a life where I didn’t have my child, it dragged out the road to acceptance. 

[G5052]

Working through grief is very difficult. It's bringing to close a chapter that you didn't chose to end.

I agree that you may be depressed. I thought I wasn't, and then my doctor probed about my sleep habits and some other areas. For me at least, taking more Vitamin D and being more diligent about going for a walk every day and going to bed at the same time got me through a rough patch. It's been hard to have a regular schedule because my work schedule is never the same, but I found that sleeping better made a big difference. 

[Rosie_0801]

Have you seen this before?

When should your children learn about grief if not now? The feeling, the processing, the caring for someone who is grieving. You don't know when they will need those skills next.

[Mom0012]

51 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Have you seen this before?

When should your children learn about grief if not now? The feeling, the processing, the caring for someone who is grieving. You don't know when they will need those skills next.

Thank you.

[happi duck]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Have you seen this before?

When should your children learn about grief if not now? The feeling, the processing, the caring for someone who is grieving. You don't know when they will need those skills next.

Ring Theory has helped me with my own grief and also helped me have insight into the actions of others.  It really helps to be able to think "oh, they're dumping in and that's wrong.  I don't need to take this."  Or "these losses differ from each other because of what ring I am in."

(hugs) to all of us dealing with grief

[KrissiK]

((Mom0012)) Our Family went through some pretty incredible trauma over the holidays last year. I can’t give details on public boards, but it was bad. The first week after the event I was basically living hour by hour, doing what I had to do and the kids watched tv literally all day long. But what you said about sleeping a lot resonated with me because we all slept a lot through the month of January. I slept at least 10 hours a night. Poor DH still had to go to work,so he didn’t have that luxury. And the kids slept a lot, too. We went from starting school at 8:30 every morning to starting at 10:00am. We are still in those habits, though my sleeping is much more along the 8 - 8 1/2 hour range. Grief, trauma, we all deal with it in different ways. I think there may be patterns that a lot of people tend to naturally follow, and those become defined as “normal”, but whatever your mind and body and heart do is what you do. I think as long as you are making your way through it all, then you don’t need to worry about what you are doing.... I hope that makes sense.

[Reefgazer]

So very sorry for the loss of your mom.  People grieve in different ways, and if your mom was sick and you witnessed her decline, you were intimately tied up in the process.  My cousins, who are older than me and who have seen husbands and parents pass, have *all* told me that I would be unbearably tired for the year after my dad's death.  Holy Moses, they were not kidding!  I woke up and immediately tried to arrange my day in order to catch a nap, I tried to lay down whenever I could during the day, and I went to work at night telling myself that in only 5 hours, I could go to bed for the night.  It was a sleep year, no doubt about it.  I am not sure if it was depression, or exhaustion from caring for dad and his business, or just stress from dealing with the estate issues, but I was like flippin' Rip van Winkle for nearly a year.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Reefgazer

[gaillardia]

I wish I could tell you it was normal. Or if I tell you it's not normal what you should do. To me it seems like normal grieving for you because of what I was told for myself...that everything is my new normal for the next 3 months, 6 months, maybe even the next year. Of course I think i have to be different and move on quickly. I feel I don't have many choices. I can't sleep in but I stay up too late. My job has hours that involve morning or evening. I can't sleep in because i wake up too early for no reason. Tired. Yes, I'm tired. I'm lucky if I get 6 hours a night. I have an acquaintance who recently lost her mother, she is the same as I am with her sleep. My life situation feels desperate and I have to step up, but I don't want to. I want to not go to work. I want to go to the beach. I want to do many things but redefining myself without him in my painting was not what I had planned. 

We all handle it differently. I may want to get over my grieving, I may be tired of grieving, but it is still my buddy, hangs out with me frequently, or sometimes not at all. Here's what I am grieving: My husband passed away recently and I have not mentioned it here for privacy reasons. After his diagnosis he did get better for a few months, but then things started going downhill again. All that time, secretly (and openly) I grieved. I kept looking beyond and could see nothing, but I was looking. I knew I would come out on the other side without him. And that was a scary thing to "look forward to." Here I am, on the other side. I'm a little scared sometimes but I am trying to move forward. A friend told me I should be embracing this new part of my life, instead of looking at it like it is encumbering me. I am trying. It is okay for me to be, feel, do, whatever. So, are you depressed? I don't know. If I were you, I would see a counselor. I think I'm okay, but who knows how I'll feel next week? And that will be okay too, and here is where I argue and say, "no, it will not be okay."

If you want to p.m. me, feel free. I haven't been around much lately, well, actually the past year or more because of life changes before this even started. I don't like giving advice but I think sharing with others and feeling a kinship helps. Peace to you, my friend. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

((hugs)) to you, Gaillardia. 

 

P.S. Your friend should put a cork in it.

[Mom0012]

6 hours ago, gaillardia said:

I wish I could tell you it was normal. Or if I tell you it's not normal what you should do. To me it seems like normal grieving for you because of what I was told for myself...that everything is my new normal for the next 3 months, 6 months, maybe even the next year. Of course I think i have to be different and move on quickly. I feel I don't have many choices. I can't sleep in but I stay up too late. My job has hours that involve morning or evening. I can't sleep in because i wake up too early for no reason. Tired. Yes, I'm tired. I'm lucky if I get 6 hours a night. I have an acquaintance who recently lost her mother, she is the same as I am with her sleep. My life situation feels desperate and I have to step up, but I don't want to. I want to not go to work. I want to go to the beach. I want to do many things but redefining myself without him in my painting was not what I had planned. 

We all handle it differently. I may want to get over my grieving, I may be tired of grieving, but it is still my buddy, hangs out with me frequently, or sometimes not at all. Here's what I am grieving: My husband passed away recently and I have not mentioned it here for privacy reasons. After his diagnosis he did get better for a few months, but then things started going downhill again. All that time, secretly (and openly) I grieved. I kept looking beyond and could see nothing, but I was looking. I knew I would come out on the other side without him. And that was a scary thing to "look forward to." Here I am, on the other side. I'm a little scared sometimes but I am trying to move forward. A friend told me I should be embracing this new part of my life, instead of looking at it like it is encumbering me. I am trying. It is okay for me to be, feel, do, whatever. So, are you depressed? I don't know. If I were you, I would see a counselor. I think I'm okay, but who knows how I'll feel next week? And that will be okay too, and here is where I argue and say, "no, it will not be okay."

If you want to p.m. me, feel free. I haven't been around much lately, well, actually the past year or more because of life changes before this even started. I don't like giving advice but I think sharing with others and feeling a kinship helps. Peace to you, my friend. 

 

Oh, I’m so sorry, Gaillardia. That sounds really terrible. So, on top of losing your husband, you had a lot of huge life changes including having to return to work so you can’t even rest and recover? My sister is a single mom and had to go right back to work after our mom died and I know that has been really hard for her. I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through right now. It sounds really hard. Peace to you, too.

[gaillardia]

2 hours ago, Mom0012 said:

Oh, I’m so sorry, Gaillardia. That sounds really terrible. So, on top of losing your husband, you had a lot of huge life changes including having to return to work so you can’t even rest and recover? My sister is a single mom and had to go right back to work after our mom died and I know that has been really hard for her. I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through right now. It sounds really hard. Peace to you, too.

I'm sorry for you, @Mom0012 because I lost my mom to cancer more than 20 years ago. That was so much different than my husband's case, but I wasn't her primary caregiver, although I was involved somewhat. I had a new baby at that time too. 

We will get through it, sometimes just one second at a time. I try to have a sense of humor. Just ask @Kareni

I used to be more spiritual minded but now, not so much. It is different. I still pray and do the things I had done, but there is not much wind in my sails, or at times it is like a hurricane, If you know what I mean. I'm sorry for your sister too. I try to remember that my children have experienced a great loss as well. I can't say to you, "Hang in there!" It is not a matter of hanging in there, as you know all too well.