In your opinion, are men quicker to remarry?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Dh and I had quite the discussion over this today.  I said that men are quicker to jump into a relationship after their spouse dies or after a divorce.  He thought I was crazy.  His reasoning "it takes two so logically it has to be both men and women equally".  I don't agree. I have just seen it before my eyes so many times.  I have had several men in my life sadly lose their wives and a few have divorced.  The men were all remarried within 1-2 years.  Most of the women I know in this situation have not remarried or even dated much at all.  Is this different than what ya'll are seeing?  Am I just surrounded with an odd sampling? ?  I understand that DH's logic makes sense - it takes two - but somehow that isn't what I see.  The men that I know have either married women who have never been married or were widowed/divorced for quite some time before remarrying.  

 

ETA - I personally don't see me remarrying quickly, if ever.  I know my mom (58) has said that she absolutely would not remarry ever.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Attolia

[mlktwins]

My mom has been gone since 2001 and has not remarried.

My DH won't remarry and I really don't think I would.  I would date or want a companion, but I don't think I'd remarry.

[Selkie]

I totally agree. I have known so many men who become widowed or divorced and it's like they panic at being alone and marry the first available woman they meet. This has led to some pretty disastrous consequences, ugh. Women generally seem to be more comfortable living alone.

[Guest]

I have heard/read many times that men are much more likely to remarry, especially when the loss was due to death (not divorce). It makes sense to me AND it is born out anecdotally for me. 

I will tell you straight up I don’t think I would choose to be married if my spouse were out of the picture by either cause. I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t develop a relationship if the opportunity arose, but I would not be likely to create the legally binding situation again. 

And my 24th anniversary is tomorrow. #irony

[Scarlett]

My anecdotal experience--- my mom stayed single for 28 years.  My step dad stayed widowed for 11months before he married my mom.  

I was legally divorced for almost 12 months before I remarried.  Dh for 2 years.  Xh has never remarried even after 9 1/2 years. 

Edited October 1, 2018 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

But if I lost Dh I don't think I would remarry. 

[Annie G]

A dear friend passed away after battling cancer and her dh remarried within 18 months. His kids are still struggling with that a year after the wedding. 

Dh’s childhood best friend lost his wife April 2017 and in August 2017 he brought his new girlfriend when he came to see us. They dated for months and we last had dinner with them in April(they live 1000 miles from us) and we thought they were still dating until the guy posted an engagement pic on Facebook in July. so to recap- April he was dating someone exclusively and by July he was engaged to someone else.

I think both guys are lost without their wives.  both guys also picked girls who are very different than their wives.

My dad and fil are both widowers and will never remarry but they are in their 80’s and had been married 60+ years. I have five girl friends who are widows and one has remarried. 

My limited sample says yeah, guys are marrying quicker. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

 

I will tell you straight up I don’t think I would choose to be married if my spouse were out of the picture by either cause. 

And my 24th anniversary is tomorrow. #irony

 

We have been married just over 20 years and I feel the same way, Quill.  I just don't see myself remarrying at all.  

From the experience I have seen around me (and not because of DH's words or actions), I suppose my DH would have me replaced in a hot minute.?

[Ann.without.an.e]

3 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I think both guys are lost without their wives.  both guys also picked girls who are very different than their wives.

 

 

 

I think that is the truth with many men.  They just seem lost.  I have even heard them say it, that they are "lost".  A friend lost his wife and two of his kids in a car accident (horrible tragedy) and he was remarried within a year.  That's a lot of loss.  I try not to judge but I just wonder if one has fully grieved and is ready to make a life long decision that early?

[Heatherwith4]

Yes, I think you are correct.  I see where your DH is coming from, but from what I’ve seen, he’s wrong.  

I don’t think I’d get remarried, either.  I’ve been married since I was 19, so it would be weird to be single, but I think I’d probably also enjoy the independence.  I’d probably date, though.  

[shawthorne44]

DH and I have talked about this.  One complication is kids.   Some predators woo single moms to get access to her kids.  So, no matter how much I loved the guy, I would feel the need to put spy cameras all over the house.   You can't have a marriage like that.  So, until DD is an adult my pool of available men is those I already know.  DH wouldn't have that worry.  I've jokingly told DH to just not pick up someone at my funeral.  
 

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, Heatherwith4 said:

Yes, I think you are correct.  I see where your DH is coming from, but from what I’ve seen, he’s wrong.  

I don’t think I’d get remarried, either.  I’ve been married since I was 19, so it would be weird to be single, but I think I’d probably also enjoy the independence.  I’d probably date, though.  

 

This is me exactly, right down to the age of marriage ? 

[madteaparty]

I think most men who have been married a while cannot really be alone so yes they marry quickly.

i know for a fact my own would be married inside of a year. ? he’s a catch! I tease him to please wait until i’m   cold ?

I’d have zero interest in bringing a man inside my house especially as long as I have minor children living in it who are fairly well  attached to their father 

Edited October 1, 2018 by madteaparty

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, shawthorne44 said:

DH and I have talked about this.  One complication is kids.   Some predators woo single moms to get access to her kids.  So, no matter how much I loved the guy, I would feel the need to put spy cameras all over the house.   You can't have a marriage like that.  So, until DD is an adult my pool of available men is those I already know.  DH wouldn't have that worry.  I've jokingly told DH to just not pick up someone at my funeral.  
 

 

I knew a woman who was very sick and was trying to connect her DH with eligible women so that she would know he would be ok.  It seemed so weird to me.  To be honest, she was a major control freak and I think she just wanted to control who he married ?  She ended up going into full remission from her cancer and as far as I know she's still alive. 

[shawthorne44]

I've heard that elderly women are like piranhas around a recently widowed/divorced man.   A friend's mom died, and he in the brief visit for the funeral he saw it firsthand.   There was almost a fistfight in the church one day on who would sit next to him.  My friend's dad eventually just picked one so that the women would stop plaguing him.  

[Garga]

37 minutes ago, Attolia said:

Dh and I had quite the discussion over this today.  I said that men are quicker to jump into a relationship after their spouse dies or after a divorce.  He thought I was crazy.  His reasoning "it takes two so logically it has to be both men and women equally".

His reasoning isn’t logical.  He’s assuming that the women have lost their partners recently.  But the single women have probably been single for years, while the single men have been single for much, much less time.  So, yes there are two people in the relationship, but the men have jumped in quickly.  

Unless...wait...unless he’s saying that the two single people have met and then married withing a short amount of time.  In that case, he’s right that it’s equal.  If a man meets a woman and marries her 6 months later, then we could also say that the woman met the man and married him 6 months later.

So, he’s right that they both have an equally short engagement, but I don’t think he’s right that women jump into a relationship quickly after losing the first spouse.  They tend to wait around a good while before jumping back into dating in the first place, whereas men tend to jump right back into dating quickly after a loss.

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

DH and I have talked about this.  One complication is kids.   Some predators woo single moms to get access to her kids.  So, no matter how much I loved the guy, I would feel the need to put spy cameras all over the house.   You can't have a marriage like that.  So, until DD is an adult my pool of available men is those I already know.  DH wouldn't have that worry.  I've jokingly told DH to just not pick up someone at my funeral.  
 

I had a 10 year old son.  I would not have married a man I didn't trust....but still and yet our lives were set up as such that my son was never left alone with new husband.  I was super paranoid about it.   

[rebcoola]

Yes I've noticed this especially with men who were happily married and widowed.  My Dh won't be one of them though unless a woman literally falls in his lap his work is all male and our church has a only 1 single lady in it and he is to introverted to go looking.  I would probably date but no real relationship I would be to paranoid with daughters unfortunately.

[Ann.without.an.e]

7 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

maybe there are more stupid  blindly optimistic women lining up to take on someone else's problematic spouse instead of stringing them along or avoiding them like a sane person would.....I don't know. But yeah. I laugh when I saw your thread titled because my girlfriends and I have talked about this a LOT. Especially in the case of widowed fathers. 

 

?

[QueenCat]

I don't think any of us really know what we'll do until it happens. We might think "never," but then find ourselves widowed young and finding someone without trying...

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, QueenCat said:

I don't think any of us really know what we'll do until it happens. We might think "never," but then find ourselves widowed young and finding someone without trying...

 

I agree. That is actually the only way I could imagine remarriage though, is if it happened without my trying. I just can't imagine purposely jumping into the dating scene.  It would have to just sort of happen accidentally.  I don't think I would seek it.  But, yes, I don't really know unless I am in that situation and I'd rather not be so....

[Scarlett]

I am curious what it means when you ladies say you would probably 'date, but not marry?  Is that code for sex but no serious relationship?   

My son is grown now.  I still don't think I would remarry.  But if I was open to dating I would be open to remarrying. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Attolia said:

 

I agree. That is actually the only way I could imagine remarriage though, is if it happened without my trying. I just can't imagine purposely jumping into the dating scene.  It would have to just sort of happen accidentally.  I don't think I would seek it.  But, yes, I don't really know unless I am in that situation and I'd rather not be so....

A couple....two of my long time best friends......introduced me to Dh.   They thought long and hard about each of us specifically......I am so grateful to them. 

[lynn]

I don't think dh would remarry but I told him he should.  Me i don't know that I would ever find someone like my dh.  I don't see myself falling in love again.  My dh thinks I would.

[mlktwins]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I am curious what it means when you ladies say you would probably 'date, but not marry?  Is that code for sex but no serious relationship?   

My son is grown now.  I still don't think I would remarry.  But if I was open to dating I would be open to remarrying. 

For me "date" wouldn't be code for anything specific -- LOL.  I would want someone to go to movies, dinners, etc with.  Maybe someone to travel with.  I don't think I would want to be tied to a binding contract with someone else again.  I adore my DH so it isn't because of him that I feel that way either. 

[mlktwins]

11 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

I think this is accurate. It's worse than high school in the assisted living homes and senior living centers......(with higher STD rates to boot ?).

My dad is moving to a seniors apartment complex.  Now you are scaring me!!!

[RootAnn]

Hm. I do think there is a difference w/divorce vs. death.

I know several people who divorced in their 30s & 40s. The women usually remarried faster than the guys - usually having a guy picked out before the divorce. The guys did seem 'lost' - but mostly because they were still in love with their wives & blindsided by the divorce (or the boyfriend that caused the divorce). There is one couple I know who divorced & neither has remarried -- and that has been 8 or more years ago. [My brother dated some after his wife divorced him several years back, but never remarried. She remarried right away, then divorced that guy. I'm not sure how many boyfriends she's had since.]

I'm not sure if DH would remarry because he never planned on getting married to anyone in the first place. He's more likely to try to find a young, good-looking, foreign, au pair/nanny to help with the kids. As long as I'm dead, I don't really care. 

My mother likes to flirt, but I don't see her ever remarrying. She likes to tell men that she's looking for a sick man with a large insurance policy. One must have taken her seriously, because he stammered something about not having any life insurance & took off running for the elevators. 

[Selkie]

Dh and I have an agreement that if something happens to one of us, the other will not get remarried until our kids are grown.

I probably wouldn't ever remarry. Dh is my perfect match and I doubt there is another person I could stand being around day in and day out, lol. Most people get on my nerves.

Not sure about dh - he is a catch for sure. But there have been some awful remarriage situations in his family, so that may put him off the idea.

[RootAnn]

12 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I don't think any of us really know what we'll do until it happens. We might think "never," but then find ourselves widowed young and finding someone without trying...

I'm not sure what 'young' means in this context. While I'm not old (90+), I certainly am not the spry young thing I used to be. I'd be completely lost without DH -- so much so that my kids know I'd fall apart if anything happened to him.

[Liz CA]

I heard psychologists discuss this once at a seminar and they speculated that men like to be taken care of. Women on the other hand are usually the caretakers and can find it quite liberating when they only have themselves to take care of.

In short, yes I have seen men remarry faster than women. Your dh seems to miss the point that while every man remarries a woman and therefore it takes a woman and a man BUT the time spent single after death or divorce is frequently much longer for women.

[Scarlett]

I feel compelled to mention the finances of this.  

 

But then hen realize maybe it doesn't matter.  I was ok financially when I married Dh.  I would be ok if he died today because of small life insurance.....but at this point in my life I would live on peanuts rather than remarry unless it was perfect.  And since Dh is perfect I figure I couldn't hope for that twice.  

[Heatherwith4]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am curious what it means when you ladies say you would probably 'date, but not marry?  Is that code for sex but no serious relationship?   

My son is grown now.  I still don't think I would remarry.  But if I was open to dating I would be open to remarrying. 

 

I guess it could mean that, but I was actually talking about traveling or going to dinner and the movies.  However, I could also see myself being a single lady with cats.  (I already have 3 cats as it is.) lol 

My preference is growing old with my DH, though. 

[madteaparty]

28 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am curious what it means when you ladies say you would probably 'date, but not marry?  Is that code for sex but no serious relationship?   

Why yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Because those are the two alternatives of human relationships ?

I mean, it could get serious but not in my house, or vacations with my kids or anything like that. 

Edited October 1, 2018 by madteaparty

[KrissiK]

Yes, I would agree this is true. Although I might say that women are less likely to remarry because there are more women on the market than men. Personally, I think women are more capable of taking care of themselves and also more likely to get emotional needs met through their girlfriends. 

This is just my personal opinion.

[shawthorne44]

34 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

I heard psychologists discuss this once at a seminar and they speculated that men like to be taken care of. Women on the other hand are usually the caretakers and can find it quite liberating when they only have themselves to take care of.

In short, yes I have seen men remarry faster than women. Your dh seems to miss the point that while every man remarries a woman and therefore it takes a woman and a man BUT the time spent single after death or divorce is frequently much longer for women.

 

I forget where I read this stat.  But, that married men live 7 years longer than single men, and married women live 7 years LESS than single women.  

 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

 

I forget where I read this stat.  But, that married men live 7 years longer than single men, and married women live 7 years LESS than single women.  

 

 

 

I have heard that too but I am not sure where either.

[rebcoola]

53 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am curious what it means when you ladies say you would probably 'date, but not marry?  Is that code for sex but no serious relationship?   

My son is grown now.  I still don't think I would remarry.  But if I was open to dating I would be open to remarrying. 

No, I mean a date I go out to fundraisers and parties and all my friends are couples I would want someone with me.  

[Lori D.]

Check out the first bar graph in this Pew Research Center report on "Demographics of Remarriage":

"There are definite gender differences on this question: Most currently divorced or widowed men are open to the idea of remarriage, but women in the same circumstances are less likely to be open to the idea. Among previously married men, 65% either want to remarry or are not sure; 30% say that they don’t want to remarry. Among women who are currently divorced or widowed, only 43% say they may want to remarry, while 54% say they are not interested."

 

Also check out the chart on this page of the report, which shows that while the gap is narrowing (between 1960 figures and 2013 figures), women are still less likely to remarry than men.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Lori D.

[Jaybee]

Yes, I think men are generally quicker to remarry. I've been married to a wonderful man for many years. Yet, I doubt seriously that I would remarry. It would pretty much have to happen with no effort on my part, lol. And even then I'd have to think about it long and hard. However, I think he would. My reasons for not wanting to are something I haven't quite thought through. But there are threads of not wanting to start over (of making the effort to learn how to live with someone new, etc.), of not wanting to bring a different someone into our large family's dynamic, of wanting the freedom to decide where to live, and so on. It just seems like it would complicate life at a time when I'd rather move more toward simplifying life. (My feelings on this have changed in the past five years, so in my case, age definitely has something to do with this.)

[madteaparty]

1 hour ago, RootAnn said:

Hm. I do think there is a difference w/divorce vs. death.

I know several people who divorced in their 30s & 40s. The women usually remarried faster than the guys - usually having a guy picked out before the divorce. The guys did seem 'lost' - but mostly because they were still in love with their wives & blindsided by the divorce (or the boyfriend that caused the divorce). There is one couple I know who divorced & neither has remarried -- and that has been 8 or more years ago. [My brother dated some after his wife divorced him several years back, but never remarried. She remarried right away, then divorced that guy. I'm not sure how many boyfriends she's had since.]

I'm not sure if DH would remarry because he never planned on getting married to anyone in the first place. He's more likely to try to find a young, good-looking, foreign, au pair/nanny to help with the kids. As long as I'm dead, I don't really care. 

My mother likes to flirt, but I don't see her ever remarrying. She likes to tell men that she's looking for a sick man with a large insurance policy. One must have taken her seriously, because he stammered something about not having any life insurance & took off running for the elevators. 

Your experience with divorce is exactly my opposite! Mine is usually men (and it’s always men) starting a brand new, second family in their late 40s to mid 50s. I like your experience better ?

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 minutes ago, madteaparty said:

Your experience with divorce is exactly my opposite! Mine is usually men (and it’s always men) starting a brand new, second family in their late 40s to mid 50s. I like your experience better ?

 

Yep, with women 10-15 years younger?  At least I've seen quite a bit of that.  

[madteaparty]

9 minutes ago, Attolia said:

 

Yep, with women 10-15 years younger?  At least I've seen quite a bit of that.  

Exactly. It’s a bit boring by now tbh

[Farrar]

I think the idea has been pretty well proven statistically speaking in this thread, but in regards to the whole "two to tango" argument... it's obviously a fallacy. I mean, just because a man gets remarried quickly doesn't mean that he's marrying a woman who is also coming out of a relationship/recently widowed. When it comes to older people, aren't there statistically more women anyway? So you could easily have a woman who had been widowed/divorced for a decade marrying a man who was widowed six months before. There's a greater pool of women for him to choose from.

If dh died, I have no idea if I'd marry again, but I'd be open to it. I'm sure he would. I mean, I doubt he's sure, but I am.

[Junie]

I know that some widows will not remarry because they will lose out on their husband's pension or whatever.  I believe that most retirement programs are forfeited if the surviving spouse remarries.

[J-rap]

I'd say men remarry quicker.  The women I know who have been through that seem to adjust their main focus onto their children, and put off getting married again or even looking.

Also, yes, it takes two to tango, but I'd also guess that it's more common for a man to remarry a woman who has never been married before than a woman remarrying a man who has never been married before.

[Ausmumof3]

In my case no, my dad remarried 8 years after to a lady who’d been alone less than two years.  I think individual temperament is more key than gender but I don’t have any stats to back that up.

[RootAnn]

6 hours ago, madteaparty said:

Your experience with divorce is exactly my opposite! Mine is usually men (and it’s always men) starting a brand new, second family in their late 40s to mid 50s. I like your experience better ?

 

6 hours ago, Attolia said:

Yep, with women 10-15 years younger?  At least I've seen quite a bit of that.  

I know this happens, but I cannot think of a single example in my circle of acquaintances. It is always the woman who cheats on the guy or forces the divorce for one reason or another (mental illness on the woman's side, for example or the woman didn't want to move so the husband could find work and living apart was too tough).

Wait! I did think of one couple from DH's work where the guy might have filed for divorce. But, honestly, both of them have issues -- neither have remarried yet.

Maybe the guys I know are just schmucks.

[marbel]

I've seen many instances of men remarrying quickly after the death of their wife but it has been rare to see a woman remarry quickly in the same circumstance.  This also seems to me to be one of those "common knowledge" sorts of things.  

Maybe women just wait longer so it seems less remarkable. Aren't women, in general, typically left widowed at a  younger age than men?  Or maybe there are more women who have never been married.

I say now that I would not remarry if my husband died, but I actually have no idea if I would or not. I don't know how anyone can say for sure. I hope my husband would remarry.

[Soror]

I can't think of a lot of divorced and remarried couples offhand. 

I don't think either dh or I would be looking for anyone for a good long while but I think perhaps both of us would be interested in remarrying at some point in the future.

I think for myself I'd not likely have a lot of time and energy left to look for a husband with trying to take care of 4 kids on my own.

[DawnM]

I would say you are right, based on my observations.  

I do not know if I would remarry or not.  I really don't.  I like having a husband/companion.