Does this sound crazy controlling? (Gentle, please)

[Xahm]

My husband is deploying soon (national guard, to middle east). Our local newspaper recently ran an article emphasizing how dangerous this deployment may be. My husband assures me it's no worse than normal and the newspaper loves click bait, and I'm holding him to that. For the kids (ages 6, almost 5, and 2, with one to be born just before he goes over seas), I want to control the message to them, particularly the older two. We're going to focus on, yes, the risk is elevated, but it's kind of like how walking through a parking lot is more dangerous than through the park, which is why we can run and play tag in the park but we hold hands and stick together in a parking lot, and it's not really a problem when we do that. It's more dangerous where dh is going, but he and the other soldiers know that, so they take care of themselves by sticking together, having clothes that work like shields, and having lots of medics around, so even though it's more dangerous, they've made the danger not such a problem. We won't dump all that on them at once, just as it comes up (and they are extremely bright and inquisitive kids), we'll focus on all the things dh and the other soldiers have done to prepare. 

The problem is other people. There are a number of people we know who act like children and anyone not actively involved in a conversation are deaf to it. They will, for example, come up and say things like "we're all so worried about your husband's safety and praying that God brings him back in one piece" with the kids right next to me (they have done very similar before). They aren't bad people or people to avoid, just big-mouths. Is it terribly controlling or crazy sounding to post on Facebook/email around something like the following? "Many of you know dh's unit is deploying soon and may have seen newspaper coverage of this. We feel confident he is prepared and ready for this challenge, although we will miss him, of course. We ask that those of you who are around our children refrain from expressing any fears when around them, even if they appear to not be listening. Little ears pick up a lot, especially when you least expect it! We are going to stay positive, focusing on the good he can do, the great training he has had, and the support he has surrounding him. If my kids seem troubled, please help them think of good things they can do (write a letter, say a prayer) and focus on all the ways he it's protected. Also, please let me know quietly about their concerns and what you discussed so we can stay on the same page. Thank you all for your help over the coming year."

Also, I plan to ask the scout leaders to warn me if any events, like those surrounding Veteran's day, will be focused on soldiers' dying so that we can avoid these. 

Is all that likely to be poorly received? We don't live in a heavily military area, so I know lots of people will feel the need to show support but will have no idea what to say. I think it's obvious why I'm asking you to be gentle in your responses. If I could talk to the most likely offenders face to face about this without breaking down in tears I would, but I can't, so...

[alisoncooks]

You're kids are so very young! You have every right to protect them. 

[Calm37]

I would be thankful for this as a good reminder for me. You might even ask people to respond/comment once they've read your post/email. You may have to be more aggressive than this with your problem people, though, but perhaps you will get through.

 

[eagleynne]

I don't think it's controlling at all, but I also don't think the people you're aiming at are likely to self-aware enough to pick up the message you want them to. Still, you should do whatever you can for your children's sake.

[regentrude]

I think that is absolutely fine.  Should be common sense actually for people not to talk in front of the kids.

Wishing your DH a safe return.

[TravelingChris]

I think your post has just the right tone. My dh never deployed but traveled an awful lot in his 27.5 years as active duty. Without me even expressing worry, my 6 or 7 year old piped up after we had dropped of DH st airport for a trip and we were driving back and I had said, we will see Daddy again soon, "We may not. His plane may crash". My kids were both bright and anxious and I  think the whole anxiety thing would have been much worse if people were commenting like you have described.  Protect your kids. You sound like you are doing great with that.

 

[NorthwestMom]

Your kids are quite young. Controlling a scary message about someone they love is the right thing to do.

[Condessa]

Not at all.  It sounds perfect.

[mmasc]

I understand your concerns and would definitely post that and relay the message in person to anyone who you think needs a reminder. Your children are most important during this and people offering up their ‘concerns’ are completely dense in my opinion. When making comments, who does that help?! I think your lack of military community is probably why you’re seeing this. People aren’t as accustomed to deployments maybe? Who knows why people say the things they do though. 

I would feel completely comfortable making sure *everyone* knows that deployment safety concerns should NOT be discussed in front of the children under any circumstances.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. My DH deployed when my three children were close in age to your DC. I understand your desire to protect them at all costs! Don’t worry about offending people...do what’s best for your DC. The only thing you can control during a deployment is your homefront, so do it how you see fit for your family. 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

What you wrote is clear and kind!

How you plan to approach your kids' questions sounds thoughtful and reassuring.

[Pen]

It sounds good to me!

Appropriately giving guidance, imo, not “crazy controlling” at all. 

[Farrar]

I think that would be a welcome reminder to many people. Anyone who sees that as controlling is someone it's okay to offend in your life, honestly.

[Peaceseeker]

I think your plan sounds fine.  Hopefully people will get the message and not say stupid things in front of your children.  I have found people to be quite oblivious and often say stupid things in front of kids though.

So my advice is to go ahead with your plan and then be prepared for people to say inappropriate things anyways.  The most important part for the kids is actually your reaction.  So I would practice a few one liners or deflecting statements that re-frames that person's awkward comment into how you want your kids to hear it.  For example, if they come up saying they are praying your husband comes home in one piece, you should smile and say confidently that you always appreciate prayers, but dad is in great hands with his troop and trained for this deployment.  Whatever message you want your kids to hear, reframe their words into that message.  Because the kids are watching you more than the person they don't really know. 

Edited September 30, 2018 by CaliforniaDreamin

[Xahm]

Thank you all for your reassurance. It's my hope that I'm overreacting and that those who comment freely about smaller things would button up about big ones, but I'm not willing to leave it to chance. My six year old figured out at barely age three that everyone dies and was absolutely torn up about it. We worked through it and she's fine with the idea that old people die and that sometimes really sad things happen to younger people, but this is so much nearer than that. She's a thinker and a worrier. My four year old, who will be five when dh goes overseas, broods and then has emotional reactions that seem to come from out of the blue. Either one could hear something and think on it for days before letting me know, and as smart as they are, they lack knowledge and maturity and could come up with some crazy ideas left to their own thoughts. Thankfully, dh will mostly have an office type job this time around, which does help me breath a little easier than if he were riding around, going house to house like before we were married.

[Peaceseeker]

I have an anxious one who was always like that, even when she was little.  It is good if you can give them the words they can't express.  You being confident and reassuring and repeating a simple and age appropriate positive message about the deployment will go a long way in helping them to be able to process it.

I hope everything goes well for your family during this transition!

Edited September 30, 2018 by CaliforniaDreamin

[DesertBlossom]

I think it's very appropriate. I also think that should someone start to say something like that in your children's presence, that you should/could cut them off ask them to please consider how their language is going to affect your kids and then very emphatically state that your DH is safe and protected and fine.

My DH deployed when #6 was 6 weeks old. It was a very tough year, but I was touched by how many people looked out for and watched over us. I hope you have a fantastic support system and I hope his deployment goes quickly!

 

[Ausmumof3]

I don’t think it’s at all controlling just wise though I’m not sure if it will work with everyone.

[Terabith]

It sounds very appropriate.  People should know better, and you strike exactly the right tone.  

My prayers are with your husband and your whole family during this hard time.  

[El...]

You are doing a great job, especially in paying attention to what your kids are hearing. I think your message is just fine, but you will probably have to prepare a quick conversation stopper. People can be so clueless. 

[Lecka]

Kids are likely to say things.  

If adult say something, and you are there, you can change the conversation.  Make a statement with further information specific to your husband or a blanket statement.  You can prepare something to say.  

I think the Facebook post is fine, too, and I hope it will help.  

I thonk especially prepare for people who know little about it seeing anything that happens in the entire country or region and asking about it, and also maybe something does happen with your husband’s unit, but it may or may not have anything to do with your husband.

You can change the conversation towards “thanks for thinking about us” or “I’ll tell my husband we talked to you and you are thanking of him” etc.  

Kids may ask your kids what their dad is doing, also, and have no idea that there is such a thing as a soldier answering a phone.  You might tell your kids they can tell other kids he works in a command post like in — who knows, maybe Diego, I don’t know what kid shows have something like a command post.  Or even just a plain office like at the dentist.  

Another idea is to say a statement and then say “I’d love to talk more while the kids are playing.” I think that can go a long way.  

[Amira]

As someone who has lived in what many Americans consider dangerous countries and who has also sent my dh to Iraq (just for a month though, not anything like you’re facing), I think you’re smart to think about this.  People will absolutely make comments that do not reflect the real circumstances your dh will experience and it’s completely reasonable to try to keep your kids away from those kinds of comments.  

Another strategy we use is to talk about the misconceptions people have about the places we’ve lived and the work my husband does.  Then my children are not as worried when they hear someone talk about how dangerous such and such place is, because they understand the safety precautions that are in place and that reporting about many places often is incomplete.  It does help that my kids have personally seen the difference between people’s comments and actual lived reality so they can blow off those comments more easily, but talking about it makes a difference too.

One other strategy is to learn about the country he’s deploying to.  Even though it may be a country facing serious challenges right now, whatever country it is, it also has a lot of wonderful things about it.  Focusing on the people living there can help too.

[Soror]

Sounds fine to me lots of (hugs) to you guys.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

It sounds perfectly reasonable to post.  You can also think of a pat phrase to shut down conversations immediately.  

"DH and his unit are well trained and ready for any challenge.  And we won't discuss it anymore in front of the kids."  And just keep interrupting and repeating it.  It might take a couple times for some people.  

 

[Xahm]

I think my shut down phrase will be something like "Thanks. We miss him, but we know he's doing work he loves and he and the soldiers he's with are very well trained and prepared." I could even, if the kids are actively listening, involve them to make things more obvious to the oblivious with "Hey, kids, remember what we talked about how papa stays safe/is working in an office to organize the other soldiers/etc." 

Other kids, especially older ones, are a bit of a concern. I feel comfortable talking to the parents of the ones we spend the most time with, and I'll be sure to mention to my kids that most kids have no idea what soldiers do because they've only seen movies, and movies aren't like real life. My daughter has already checked to see if he's going to "the country with lots of bombs" her cousin told her about. Thankfully for me, the country being described was Israel, and I could tell her no, not that one. 

[Xahm]

Oh, and I've been looking through library books and identified some that show life, geography, culture, etc in this country without dwelling much on its current political situation or recent history. We'll find a restaurant serving their food and do that kind of thing as much as possible, too.

[Lecka]

I think to once your husband is there, you will naturally have more details to share, maybe some funny stories, etc.  

For example — my husband ate a fresh pomegranate once and it was amazing, my husband got his eyebrows threaded, etc.

If your husband ends up spending free time playing basketball or something, then that is a detail.

Many people will just want to know how he is doing and how you are doing.  

Edit:  really I think that once he is settled, it’s a lot nicer to talk about funny stories or details.  It may even just be something funny that happened in the office or something.  Or there might be some food he likes a lot or can’t believe how bad it is.  

A lot of things like this can be kid-friendly and give your kids a chance to hear you talk about your husband to other parents, and let other kids hear things like that.  

A lot of kids will think it’s really cool and interesting and be easily steered away from things you don’t want to talk about.  

Edited September 30, 2018 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I had forgotten this, but my husband used to see shepherds sometimes.  This is very kid-friendly!  My kids loved to hear about that.  

But even things like “we sent dad a box and he said such-and-such” or “we sent dad a picture and he liked it and said such-and-such” is easy to bring up and talk about, and very kid-friendly, and positive for kids, and probably the kind of thing that people will be interested in talking about.

Hopefully the “is it dangerous” stuff will only come up a bit at the beginning.

 

Edited September 30, 2018 by Lecka

[Guest]

Your instincts are very wise, IMO. 

Some people are so clueless...

[bolt.]

It’s a great idea and a great letter... but it kind of “burries” / softens the main idea.

I would just reword “expressing fears” to something more broad and add emphasis to that sentence. It is the main point.

Perhaps, “... refrain from expressing fears, mentioning safety concerns, making comments about danger, death, or the possibility of their dad not returning. Even expressions of too much sympathy can be alarming and fearful.”

[Jaz]

I'd suggest your prepared response not start with "thank you" but a cut off if possible with a move in a completely different direction, "Oh, you have no idea how beautiful it is there, the kids are excited to hear about __________"...then a return to thanks for thinking about my husband.

[catz]

I think this is so smart to say something up front.  Not controlling at all!  

I also think as the wife of the deployed it's not your job to reassure other people's stress and fears.  You have enough on your plate.  So I think have a generic response for any situation to shut down discussion whether or not kids are there and involved is a great one.   Protecting you and your kids while you have enough on your plate is very wise.  Best wishes to all of you!  You sound like an amazing mom for your little ones.  

[hippiemamato3]

I think that wording is perfect. No controlling at all, protective! I will pray for all of you!

[katilac]

OP, I think your message is lovely and not at all controlling. I do think it leaves too much wiggle room, though, and I'd simply ask people to not talk about the deployment in front of them, period. Maybe this: 

Please don't bring up dh's deployment in front of the kids! 

(insert your lovely message in the middle) 

You never know what will set off a kid's fears, so again, thank you so much for not talking about the deployment in front of the kids! 

3 hours ago, OKBud said:

No, and furthermore, I'd cut them off irl when they started talking that way.

BTDT. My line was, with an open palm upraised, "little corn stalks have big ears." If they didn't get it, I'd say something like, "you can tell me your feelings about my husband's deployment/absence when we are alone." <<--- that's a little past "nice," but honestly some people are incredibly self-centered and obtuse. 

 

Yes, I wouldn't let them finish the sentence if possible!  

Around here, usually "little ears" with a nod or gesture toward them is quickly understood. 

If they aren't likely to take a hint, talk over them loudly. 

Friend: When does Husband . . . 

You: FRIEND, I forgot to show you this (grab their hand and lead them off)

and explain or remind. Maybe they were going to say, When does Husband get his oil changed? but a good friend decent person will laugh it off. 

[Xahm]

Thanks, all, for the support and ideas. It gave me the courage to talk to the cub scout leader today to let him know and check that the Veteran's Day ceremony will be appropriate for our family this year. Thankfully, it's mostly a flag retirement ceremony, but I'm confident he will keep an eye and ear out (having spent a year overseas at the same destination himself) for anything that would be too intense.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

I’d expect people might not get it anyway, but it’s not a bad way to word it.  Just remember they’re not trying to cause issues and try to take it in the spirit intended, but it’s absolutely okay to stop them or redirect too!

It’s true. Sometimes people don’t seem to have any ability to imagine how their topics of conversation are impacting others. 

I was at a small party with some ladies, one of whose dd had recently been through a horrible car accident. The young lady had suffered permanent, life-altering injuries. Lo and behold, one of the other ladies, who totally knows about the other lady’s daughter’s accident, starts recounting how she was almost in an accident. She was seriously sitting there, right next to the lady with the injured dd, saying, “...and I could not believe that idiot was driving straight at my car! He could have hit me head on! I could have been killed!” I was staring at her like ??? STFU! 

I cut off the blabbermouth with offers of sangria refills or something. But I swear it never dawned on her what she was doing. 

[WendyLady]

I read this post and wanted to respond earlier but I can't seem to log in on my phone.  And today is the first time I've sat at the computer since reading your post!!  My husband is active duty Air Force and is currently deployed for a year long assignment in the middle east.  1/4th of the way done!!  He is working mainly with an incredible group of National Guard guys and he thinks they are awesome and responsible and wonderful in every way!

I just wanted to reach out in friendship to say you are not alone.  It's a lonely year, and most people really just don't know what to say about my husband being gone this year.  His assignment is not in connection with any of the other deployments going on in our base community, where in the past he has deployed with friends and I had that camaraderie of the spouse group.   It feels like our (non military) community has forgotten that there is still a war on.  I have found that actually, no one says anything, offensive or otherwise - they just don't. I'd almost rather hear something concerning than nothing at all... 

I attended a speech by a wife of a Vietnam POW and left nearly having a panic attack. I really loved hearing her story, but it hit way way too close to home and I wish I hadn't gone.  Be gentle with yourself and be careful what you read and listen to!!   I think that's the closest thing to your concerns that I have felt. For the most part people don't ask at all, and if they do ask how he's doing, you know they just want to hear that everything is great....

Things seem safer in many many ways than his earlier deployments, but in other ways, things seem sort of on edge out there.  My husband is stationed somewhere pretty safe, but he travels around to see his guys and hearing about that is a little concerning, but it also makes me feel so proud of him. 

He has had a chance to do a lot of traveling around and I've been feeling such a mix of emotions - somehow jealous that I am missing out on such an incredible journey - I'm the one who loves traveling, he hates it!  And also I feel so bad that he is missing out on all of the boring wonderful things here at home.  He recently traveled to Egypt and it reminded me of a children's book that I read to my kids when they were little - Toot and Puddle by Holly Hobbie.  It's about two little pigs - one travels around the world on a great adventure while the other stays home having adventures of his own.  I pulled it out and read it to my teenagers and it made us all cry!!  Do find it for your kids - it is a sweet story of being apart and sharing in each other's adventure!

All the best to you and your sweet little ones.  PM me if you want to chat more!

[vonfirmath]

A friend's husband had his heart replaced and had a stroke on the operating table, so things got more complicated. She sent out an email asking us NOT to ask about her husband/talk about it in front of her kids because they were not aware of the full extent of things and she wanted them protected from worrying about him. And that is what we did. (And since we all had kids that might be in classes were her kids, we also moderated what we said in front of our kids. W\e prayed for him, yes. But we were careful not to discuss the situation in front of kids that might get back to her kids)

Edited October 2, 2018 by vonfirmath

[SamanthaCarter]

Another vote that this FB message is appropriate. 

[umsami]

100% appropriate and a good reminder for people.  

Wishing your husband and his fellow soldiers a safe deployment and return home.

[Familia]

Blessings for your family and all involved.   You are being a good and loving mother & wife!