LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I'm catatonic with anxiety over this. There's a lot of backstory but the basics: My dear sister is getting married late this year. I have been no contact with our mother for 5 years. There's a whole lot of emotional baggage in there for me, saying no to her is literally, physically painful. She's textbook npd. I'm dreading the wedding but I will go because I love my sister. I am not going to bring the kids. It's not negotiable. It will cause a scene, as our mother will be drinking/smoking pot, become emotional, fawn over them, cause them distress. Also, the wedding is a 3hr drive away and starts at 5.30pm, not easy timing for my little kids. The older 2 could deal, but my oldest especially is the one my mother will make a scene over. We plan to support my sister with the least amount of likely drama- come for the ceremony and a little bit afterwards, leave before everyone gets real boozed up at the reception. I have to discuss this with my sister ASAP. She's going to be upset. She will understandably want my kids there. I will, yet again, be the family bad guy causing issues. Hurting my sister is the 2nd last thing I want to do. Putting my children in that environment is the last thing - and I won't do it. Ugh. Praying folks please pray for me. I'm being a real baby about this, avoiding calls, being petulant cos I'm so anxious... Should I call, text, write a letter with the RSVP card? How would you word this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Use a standard good etiquette reply. Probably a short pleasant note with RSVP sent by real mail. You could additionally send an email if you are concerned about the mail getting lost. Let them k ow the number from your family that will attend. Look at at what you can do to decrease your own anxiety. Meditation, cbt, Emdr, ... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 (edited) I'm not sure I would bring up the fact that the kids aren't coming ahead of time. It just makes that a point of contention then. If you are showing up shortly before the ceremony, she will be caught up in the events of the day and likely won't think much about it. Ah, I realized you do have to RSVP a certain number. You are not staying for much of the reception, correct? I'd just say that and leave a number out of it. It will be a non-issue likely for the ceremony. Edited September 20, 2018 by GoodGrief 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAtoVA Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I truly do understand family drama (unfortunately).... I'm assuming you have been in contact with your sister in general (?) If it were me, I would probably call and have a heart to heart with her as this is a personal and sensitive issue. Are you saying that she (your sister) will make you the "family bad guy?" Also, what is npd? <<<<<<hugs>>>>>> and prayers!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 (edited) My advice totally depends on your relationship with your sister. If she is the golden child, I wouldn't bring it up at all. The children could all suddenly become violently ill (with the notion of having to be around their grandmother) on the day of the wedding. If your sister completely agrees that your mother is crazy town, then I'd share the news beforehand knowing that she'd be disappointed but completely understanding of the fact that no child should be subjected to your mother. Edited September 20, 2018 by prairiewindmomma 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I would call. You are a good mom. I'm sorry. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Glad you are holding up your boundary and protecting your kids. Hugs. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 6 minutes ago, CAtoVA said: I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I truly do understand family drama (unfortunately).... I'm assuming you have been in contact with your sister in general (?) If it were me, I would probably call and have a heart to heart with her as this is a personal and sensitive issue. Are you saying that she (your sister) will make you the "family bad guy?" Also, what is npd? <<<<<<hugs>>>>>> and prayers!!! Narcissistic personality disorder. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Hugs and more Hugs to you. I completely understand about shielding your children. I will be praying for you, 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 10 minutes ago, CAtoVA said: I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I truly do understand family drama (unfortunately).... I'm assuming you have been in contact with your sister in general (?) If it were me, I would probably call and have a heart to heart with her as this is a personal and sensitive issue. Are you saying that she (your sister) will make you the "family bad guy?" Also, what is npd? <<<<<<hugs>>>>>> and prayers!!! Thank you. Yes I've still been in contact with my sister. It is very difficult for her being stuck in the middle. It strains our relationship because I hold back info that will get back to our mother, and she became our mother's emotional crutch. So in my sister's mind I will be the unreasonable bad guy who won't just play nice with mum. Npd is narcissistic personality disorder, without getting into it, I was deeply hurt and my family threatened by her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 14 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said: My advice totally depends on your relationship with your sister. If she is the golden child, I wouldn't bring it up at all. The children could all suddenly become violently ill (with the notion of having to be around their grandmother) on the day of the wedding. If your sister completely agrees that your mother is crazy town, then I'd share the news beforehand knowing that she'd be disappointed but completely understanding of the fact that no child should be subjected to your mother. This is complicated, isn't it always! My sister understands that our mother can be difficult, she has had minor run ins with her, but not to the no contact level. She still thinks that the episodes are one off aberrations that I should get over, rather than toxic patterns that I won't expose my kids to. My sister doesn't have kids. She has also borne the majority of my mother's handwringing over missing me/my kids - and all the history rewriting that comes with it - so is emotionally invested with supporting mum. There's more but, yeah... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 If you think if Sis is going to be upset to the point that she'll tell Mom and you'll find yourself in the middle, you'd better not tell her. I agree with prairiwindmomma. RSVP the whole family (with no intention of actually bringing the kids), don't arrive yourself until right before the ceremony, and follow through on your plan to leave very early in the reception. Like, almost before your mother can speak to you. Better to have them all mad and talking about you later, than to have drama leading up to the wedding!! Have you responded at all about the wedding yet? Did you give Sis the idea that the kids will be there? You are the scapegoat and Sis is the golden child. If she doesn't realize this, you'll have to just maintain your boundary about your children without explaining beforehand OR after. If Sis corners you at the wedding, toss off an, "I'm sorry, we had to leave them with friends but they send their love, don't worry, it's nothing serious," hug her, and excuse yourself. (You've implied that they may be sick, and she might think you're off to get more punch, but the real point is to Get Out of There.) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 See, I think not telling her beforehand is a recipe for drama on the day, as she'll be disappointed, our mother will be disappointed (she'll no doubt be building up a reunion narrative in her mind) and I'll be right there along with an audience to unleash their emotion on... 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alewife Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 22 minutes ago, GoodGrief1 said: I'm not sure I would bring up the fact that the kids aren't coming ahead of time. It just makes that a point of contention then. If you are showing up shortly before the ceremony, she will be caught up in the events of the day and likely won't think much about it. Ah, I realized you do have to RSVP a certain number. You are not staying for much of the reception, correct? I'd just say that and leave a number out of it. It will be a non-issue likely for the ceremony. I think this is excellent advice. I would rsvp that all of you will be attending and then have the kids "too sick to attend" at the last minute. Way less unnecessary drama with this approach. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 She knows you and your mom aren’t on friendly terms so she shouldn’t be surprised if you tell her that you are coming but the kids won’t be. It’s ok to say that you want her special day to be no drama and that you feel it’s best if it’s just you (and your dh if he wants to go). You are making the choice that feels right for the occasion. I’ll pray for you. I understand family issues like that (all too well, sadly. ) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alewife Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, LMD said: See, I think not telling her beforehand is a recipe for drama on the day, as she'll be disappointed, our mother will be disappointed (she'll no doubt be building up a reunion narrative in her mind) and I'll be right there along with an audience to unleash their emotion on... But if you tell her ahead of time, there will be drama on the day PLUS weeks to discuss it with anyone under the sun who will listen leading up to the wedding. If you lead them to believe the day of the wedding that the kids were feeling under the weather, there is not much they can say to their audience to gain sympathy for themselves. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 3 minutes ago, LMD said: See, I think not telling her beforehand is a recipe for drama on the day, as she'll be disappointed, our mother will be disappointed (she'll no doubt be building up a reunion narrative in her mind) and I'll be right there along with an audience to unleash their emotion on... The only thing that has ever worked with my NPD MIL is a surprise tactic. And when I say it has "worked" I mean they were all speechless, just long enough for us to instantly duck out. It wouldn't work if you got there an hour before the wedding, helped Sis with her dress, draped a flower swag or two, and then sat up with the family on the second row. It might work if they have to wonder right up to the processional whether you are coming or if you got held up in traffic, and then you slip in as the ceremony begins, and sit down with NO time for anyone to say anything. Leave the church ASAP, make your appearance at the reception (with short speech about the kids, and how happy you are for her and wish her joy, and hug), and leave. She will have to be disappointed, but you said something *too reasonable* to throw a fit about in front of the other guests. If they do, they'll look terrible, but that's on them. You will have left the building. Look, she's going to be disappointed and your mother is going to lose her ever-loving mind. Your goal is not to prevent or fix this. Your goal is to attend your sister's wedding while protecting and shielding your children, and minimize drama for yourself on the day. We all know you can't treat your family well and mollify your mother at the same time. ? (((LMD))) 12 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 I don't know if I can realistically say that we're planning to bring the kids. I'm not a good liar and she's likely to specifically ask... We've done the last minute sickness thing before though. Ugh. I know you're all right, it's going to suck no matter. I just hate that my sister's wedding is marred with this crap, she deserves better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 (((LMD))) I'm sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 And it's okay if she is disappointed. She will still have a good day. People can be disappointed things aren't how they want them to be. It happens. My beloved grandmother didn't make my wedding bc she was sick. I was disappointed, but never think about it except I remembered when writing this. I took my dress down a month later and tried it on for her. It was fun. You are doing the right thing. ( and I'm in the send the RSVP back with one attending. Don't call or write camp) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Another factor is that I feel extra guilt with not telling early because she will have paid for reception places/meals for us, that's 2 adults and 4 kids - expensive! Though I guess an rsvp for ceremony only would solve that. But that is also going to be a disappointment for her... argh. This is hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Tibbie said "The only thing that works with my mother is..." Finish that sentence for yourself and then do that. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Sorry, I know this is getting self indulgent of me now, but I'm dealing with lots of emotion over this. Thank you all for helping me see clearly. It is also a lot of losing my family sadness, some of which is my own fault. Conflicted. Too much to get into. But hanging onto my sister is kind of momentous in my mind as the last of my family. That's probably not a healthy mental road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 1 minute ago, Slache said: Tibbie said "The only thing that works with my mother is..." Finish that sentence for yourself and then do that. The only thing that works with my mother is... total capitulation? ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 1 minute ago, LMD said: Sorry, I know this is getting self indulgent of me now... No it's not. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 2 minutes ago, LMD said: The only thing that works with my mother is... total capitulation? ? What about a catapult? There is similar spelling. 2 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 The only thing that would appease her is if I divorced my husband - she put that in writing for me, twice. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 LMD, you are such a good person. If I were in your shoes, I would be sending regrets and a nice gift from my whole family (myself included,) because I wouldn’t be willing to subject myself to that level of drama. It sounds like a no-win situation for you. I’m so sorry. 8 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Just now, LMD said: The only thing that would appease her is if I divorced my husband - she put that in writing for me, twice. She sounds nice. (No, she doesn’t. She sounds awful. Are you sure there’s no way for you and your dh to see your sister and her future dh at a different time so you can congratulate them in person while also totally avoiding your mother?) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 3 minutes ago, LMD said: The only thing that would appease her is if I divorced my husband - she put that in writing for me, twice. And you're sure that we're not related? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Your sister has enough to think about that she may not care that much about you not bringing your kids - unless she was going to have them "in" the wedding. I would just say you are coming as a couple. If she asks, the kids have other plans during that time. I would NOT get into the whole NPD / mom / alcohol thing. Just support your sister and enjoy the wedding as if kids weren't invited in the first place. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 No, you don't have to have this discussion. Just RSVP like normal, and then just leave the kids home. You can tell her you changed your mind about bringing them or tell her they are sick. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 15 minutes ago, Catwoman said: LMD, you are such a good person. If I were in your shoes, I would be sending regrets and a nice gift from my whole family (myself included,) because I wouldn’t be willing to subject myself to that level of drama. It sounds like a no-win situation for you. I’m so sorry. Thank you. Actually I'm a giant PITA, I haven't been faultless in this whole mess. I'm trying but it's hard and I just want to cry and eat mars bars... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 I'm leaning towards sending the RSVP card back with a short note. My kids aren't 'in' the wedding - my sister had the good sense not to expect that. RSVP yes for dh and I. Dear sis, so pleased for you and dp! We have decided not to bring the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we feel it is for the best. {We will head home early from the reception too, as we'll have a bit of a drive, so please don't count us for expensive meals!} Not happy with this wording... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Could you say something like, "It would be too late in the evening for them?" or something? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 25 minutes ago, LMD said: I'm leaning towards sending the RSVP card back with a short note. My kids aren't 'in' the wedding - my sister had the good sense not to expect that. RSVP yes for dh and I. Dear sis, so pleased for you and dp! We have decided not to bring the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we feel it is for the best. {We will head home early from the reception too, as we'll have a bit of a drive, so please don't count us for expensive meals!} Not happy with this wording... If you're going to tell her with the RSVP I would just respond 2 and leave it at that. If you insist on leaving a note do not mention the reception because it doesn't matter. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 34 minutes ago, LMD said: I'm leaning towards sending the RSVP card back with a short note. My kids aren't 'in' the wedding - my sister had the good sense not to expect that. RSVP yes for dh and I. Dear sis, so pleased for you and dp! We have decided not to bring the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we feel it is for the best. {We will head home early from the reception too, as we'll have a bit of a drive, so please don't count us for expensive meals!} Not happy with this wording... I think this is a good approach, and I think it's adequate to just say: "We are happy for you and dh and I are glad that we can come to your wedding. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but we won't be bringing the kids, so we will need to head home shortly after the wedding and won't be staying for the reception. Can we arrange a time for you and dp to spend a weekend with us at our house in the near future so that we can spend some time together? " You're not required to give an explanation for why you're not bringing the kids, but this signals to your sister that you're interested in maintaining a relationship with her and her new dh. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 1 hour ago, LMD said: I'm leaning towards sending the RSVP card back with a short note. My kids aren't 'in' the wedding - my sister had the good sense not to expect that. RSVP yes for dh and I. Dear sis, so pleased for you and dp! We have decided not to bring the kids, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we feel it is for the best. {We will head home early from the reception too, as we'll have a bit of a drive, so please don't count us for expensive meals!} Not happy with this wording... I would send the card with correct number filled in so that they don’t have to pay expensive food costs for people who won’t be there. Then a piece of real stationery with a short note written in your best cursive that says how happy you, Husbandname and Kidnames are for the marrying couple and extending your wishes for them to have a long and happy marriage! Nothing at all in the note about disappointment, sorry, or kids not coming. Nothing negative in the note. Strict Emily Post. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 ETA The written note with wishes for marital bliss for the lucky couple could be signed by kids also not just you. That is probably not proper Emily Post, but I think would be fine. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I don't know your sister, but I continue to think that keeping the reply simple is less likely to stir up drama. Apologizing for perceived disappointment may have the unintended effect of creating disappointment during this time leading up to the wedding. She is probably exceptionally stressed with planning currently and will overreact to issues, but on the day itself will probably be a touch giddy! Truly, if she is like most brides, she is unlikely to dwell on the kids' absence. RSVP for the ceremony only, and if she outright asks about the kids, just say they are staying home so that you can relax with your husband and enjoy your sister's day. Positive spin! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingCat Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 (edited) I would drop the whole "sorry to disappoint you" part -- there are plenty of reasons not to bring the kids to the wedding (long drive, late hour, wouldn't be able to focus on her for watching the kids) without the drama due to your family. IMO apologizing in advance makes it all about the drama. And I'm in the just return the card plain with the # attending on it -- only if it came up in a normal conversation with her -- then I would just act clueless and keep repeating that my DH and I had discussed it and there was no way my kids could handle that long drive and then sit still and quietly, and that weddings are really for adults anyway and I wanted to enjoy her wedding not be distracted by grumpy restless kids (which would all be true for me -- just find your own NON family drama related truths). Edited September 20, 2018 by LaughingCat2 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 (edited) I think minimal info ahead of time may be good. Less stress for your sister. However, if somehow it comes up and you are being put on the spot I might say something like "I am afraid mother will act completely inappropriate with the grandkid(s) and I would have to step in. I really want to spare you all that drama on your wedding." And / Or "dh and I have decided it will be best if we just come. The kids are looking forward to seeing you and your dh soon...at Thanksgiving, Christmas, or whenever." It is sad that you have to protect your children from their grandmother and that this disappoints sister but you are the Mom. When she is a Mom, she will probably understand it better. Hugs. It is so difficult to be the child of a NPD person - not speaking from experience but from what others have told me. Edited September 20, 2018 by Liz CA 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Thank you for all your thoughts, I really feel buoyed by your support. ❤️ I am considering your posts and I'm trying not to be argumentative. My concern is that saying nothing about the elephant in the room is disingenuous, she won't buy that we just decided not to bring the kids for other reasons. I don't know, does that matter? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonflower Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I know how hard it is to be caught between doing something you really don't want to do (disappoint your sister in this case) and something you absolutely can't do (expose your kids to your mom's drama). It sucks. What helps for me is to say to myself, look, this isn't me disappointing this person - it's not what I want to do. It's just what I have to do because of x circumstances I can't control, so I don't have to feel guilty about it or tie my ego into it; it's not really me doing it. And in your shoes I would tell your sister ahead of time, and I would do it right now. I would be completely honest and as devoid of waffling or emotional guilt as possible. "Dear Sis, DH and I are excited to attend your wedding! Unfortunately we can't bring the kids as I cannot expose them to the emotional drama between me and mom. DH and I will be there for the ceremony but I think we'll leave pretty early from the reception. [then something nice about her dress or the music or some other inane comment.]" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleowl Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Are the kids old enough to be involved in various activities? If so, it seems entirely plausible to me to say that the kids already have commitments for that day, and your DH has to be with them to chauffeur. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 As someone with an NPD in the family, thinking hard on it, I think that I would likely tell the bride now. Look, it's going to be a mess whichever way things go. But I wouldn't want to add *surprise disappointment to her day. The goal is pretty clearly stated to support her and show her love on her wedding day. Though circumstances don't make that quite as doable as everyone would like, puttting her on the spot at the wedding isn't in line with the goal. If my family members (siblings, cousins) showed up anywhere without their kids or spouses without tellling me ahead of time, I'd be thrown off and anxious to find out what was wrong. As for the drama leading up and building up, that can't be controlled. Having an NPD and an NPD-sympathizer isn't going to be cured by any of the options. To me (me, me, me,) RSVPing for 1 without conversation is kind of passive-aggressive. I'd imagine the bride would then feel the need to initiate a conversation, but she'd already be starting with hurt feelings and assumptions in her head. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 9 hours ago, LMD said: Sorry, I know this is getting self indulgent of me now, but I'm dealing with lots of emotion over this. Thank you all for helping me see clearly. Nope. It isn't. It's necessary. And none of us who have to deal with NPD care what you did or didn't do, because we know very well how that mechanism works. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 24 minutes ago, purpleowl said: Are the kids old enough to be involved in various activities? If so, it seems entirely plausible to me to say that the kids already have commitments for that day, and your DH has to be with them to chauffeur. The wedding date makes this awkward - it's right near 2 holidays, kid's activities would be off. I wouldn't go without dh, I'm not strong enough on my own. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 19 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said: As someone with an NPD in the family, thinking hard on it, I think that I would likely tell the bride now. Look, it's going to be a mess whichever way things go. But I wouldn't want to add *surprise disappointment to her day. The goal is pretty clearly stated to support her and show her love on her wedding day. Though circumstances don't make that quite as doable as everyone would like, puttting her on the spot at the wedding isn't in line with the goal. If my family members (siblings, cousins) showed up anywhere without their kids or spouses without tellling me ahead of time, I'd be thrown off and anxious to find out what was wrong. As for the drama leading up and building up, that can't be controlled. Having an NPD and an NPD-sympathizer isn't going to be cured by any of the options. To me (me, me, me,) RSVPing for 1 without conversation is kind of passive-aggressive. I'd imagine the bride would then feel the need to initiate a conversation, but she'd already be starting with hurt feelings and assumptions in her head. This pretty well sums up my thoughts, thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I'm sorry. I have some crazies in my family, too. First of all, good for you for protecting your kids. I know it's really, really hard to always be "the bad guy" for doing this basic maternal thing. Speaking of which: you are always going to be "the bad guy." You just are. No matter what you do. These people live for drama, so I would do things strictly by the books. As in Emily Post books. Only RSVP who will actually attend, brush up your etiquette game. You want to be as blameless as possible in all this. You want outside observers to see you did nothing wrong. And there is nothing wrong with sending regrets for the rest of your family. Is your mother the type to throw an ugly scene in front of complete strangers? I had a personality-disordered person (not sure if NPD or not) threatening to ruin my wedding, and my therapist pointed out that for all their bluster, for all the scenes they'll make behind closed doors, they actually really want to come off as "the normal one" in front of others. They want YOU to look crazy, weird, irrational in front of others, and they accomplish that by needling at you when no one is watching. ***I don't know if this strictly applies to NPD or just the thing I was dealing with, but I found it to be true. Just ponder it a bit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.