Wedding Costs - let's chat, please.

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You misunderstood my point.  The point is not advocating a child take funds specified for mom's dream of her kid's wedding when the kid wants something else.  My point is, a parent should give the funds with the mindset and explicit instructions that the child can use it in "starting a life together" costs.  I really do think it's a controlling attitude to say, "You can have a large sum for a big wedding (unspoken: because that's what I want for you)  but if you would rather have a civil/humble ceremony and save up for a house, you get less (unspoken: because you're choosing a different wedding than I had imagined in my mind.)  I know it's hard to hear, but that really is a manipulative attitude-a very subtle one, but it's still manipulative.

I do not agree with this.  A wedding reception that is hosted by the parents is in honor of the bride and groom.  I would not tell my friend, I am going to host a retirement party for you; I was going to spend $X on the party.  If you prefer, you can have the $X to travel, pay down your mortgage, or do whatever you would like to "start retirement."  I know of parents who have given their children $ for a downpayment on a house.  What if the child said, well you want me to have a house, and I don't really want a house, I want a Ferrari?  Would the parent be manipulative to not hand over the money for the Ferrari?  I think there is also an manipulative attitude in a setup of you get $ when you get married to buy a house, travel, buy a car, have a wedding, whatever you want to start your life.  What if one child gets married at 21 and another chooses not to get married or gets married much later in life.  Does that child not get the same money to buy a house or something else?  What if the child lives within someone without marrying, does the $ gift still apply?  What if it becomes a common law marriage, does the gift kick in?  

[marbel]

17 minutes ago, Quill said:

<snip>

Your last paragraph here: I don’t care what someone else’s wedding costs, but it’s handy to have some idea of what one can do for what amount. Why would that be anything but prudent? Every wedding is going to cost something. It’s not Keeping Up With The Joneses unless one’s thoughht is, “Well, this wedding has to be better than Cousin Jane’s and they spent $25k.” That is exactly the game I said I do not play. But it would be really foolish to have no idea what things cost and just say, “okay, here’s a thousand dollars. Work it out.” 

<snip>

 

Of course it's prudent - you can't make a budget until you know how much stuff costs.  You can't just pull a figure out of the air.  

I remember talking to a contractor one, casually, about redoing a bathroom.  (I wasn't hiring him, specifically, it was just a sort of musing conversation with an acquaintance.) He asked me what my budget was.  I said I had no idea!  How much does stuff cost?  

When we actually decided to do the bathroom remodel, we went out and priced stuff, asked people how much they spent on stuff, etc., before we attempted to set a budget. Of course the budget got blown anyway.  But we had a starting point.  

[Guest]

Quote

ing in a particular place doesn't require an expensive wedding.  There are pretty backyards where you live, right? There are churches allow their members to use the facilities where you live, right?  There are state parks that allow weddings, right? I know several people from high cost of living areas who got married in a friend or relative's backyard with a cake and punch reception and a few attendants for very little money. Or they got married at their church and had an h'orderves, (sp?) cake and punch reception in the fellowship hall. Oldest has looked at several state park options in a couple of states that aren't expensive. Wedding dresses can be bought new for a few hundred dollars-the exact same dress you try on a the budget friendly David's Bridal.  Lots of dry cleaners do alterations. None of that is any more difficult than buying more expensive dresses at a shop with alteration staff.

This doesn’t make sense to me except in the case that mom has a big budget and wants a big, hotel, formal wedding but daughter wants a backyardwedding with 30 guests. That is not the scenario I anticipate with my daughter.

I would avoid anticipating what your daughter wants.  Assume nothing.  Consider all possibilities and make the financial decision according to your personal financial situation. 

No, living in a particular place does not require an expensive wedding, but different regions have different customs and different norms. A cake and punch reception is one possibility, yes, but it is very atypical here. I’m not saying it couldn’t possibly be done that way, but it is very doubtful that we would do this. 

Back yard: yes, in fact, I would be totally delighted to host a wedding in our own yard, assuming we still live here when that time comes. But this is still not free. We would still need to rent a bunch of things, or buy them, and have some option for food and probably port a pots and so on. My family members alone are easily sixty guests. So, unless they have a truly tiny weddig with no aunts, uncles or cousins, it will be biggish just on family alone. 

Church facilties: yes, there are churches who rent out or let members use the facilities for free. However, we are not members at a church such as this. Most venues here cost something, though it varies of course between renting the firehall and renting a banquet hall. When I got married, I rented a church facility that is ecumenical. I had liberties there, which is good, because we brought our own food and drinks. But it still cost money. 

State park: yes, this is one option. Still not free. There is also a limited weather window here. It can be freezing in April. It can be a hurricane in July. It can be sweltering in August. Or whatever. 

About anticipating what my daught wants: you do know she is 21, right? We talk. I already know a lot about what she likes or doesn’t like. She has friends getting married and cousins getting married. She has already told me several things that she likes or doesn’t like. Might she change her mind? Sure! If so, I expect we will talk anout that, too. 

So now I am going to post this and I think I have said enough for now. I see others are replying. 

[Bootsie]

5 hours ago, The Accidental Coach said:

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

Are the wedding and the reception at the same site?  I have been to very few weddings where food was served between the time of the ceremony and the reception (I know this may vary a lot in different parts of the country).  There might be water and punch available.  I do not think it would be necessary given the time of day.  People would have had a chance to eat lunch before coming to the wedding and dinner at 5:30 would not be a long time to wait.  I would favor making sure that picture taking does not take too long.  

[katilac]

On 6/2/2018 at 6:34 AM, Quill said:

 I’m going to assume if my guests want to get drunk, they can plan a designated driver or arrange an Uber or whatever.  

 

 

I want to point out that one does not need to get drunk in order for not driving to be a good idea ?????

40 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t care what someone else’s wedding costs, but it’s handy to have some idea of what one can do for what amount. Why would that be anything but prudent?  

 

 

It's smart to have an idea of what things will cost, but unfortunately that information is very location-specific. Your venue is one of the biggest costs, so I'd start there. If someone has property and/or a house big enough to host their wedding, they are going to save a lot of money. Or a church hall that's cheap or free to congregants. If not, just start calling and getting quotes. Food is another big cost, so you call a few caterers and get a rough idea. Or you look at the catering sections online of local restaurants and supermarkets; if those make you faint, you probably don't need to bother calling caterers, lol. 

If most of your guests are Baptists, that is super helpful ?

In my area, drinks of some kind are definitely expected at a standard wedding (ie, not cake and punch at the church hall). If you have an evening wedding with fancy everything but no drinks, that will not go over well. No one would say anything to you, of course, but there will be lots of raised eyebrows.

[KungFuPanda]

Dear 21-year-old daughter with steady boyfriend,

PLEASE don’t start planning a wedding until you graduate from college and we recover from THAT expense for a year or two. 

 

These threads make my wallet hurt. 

[catz]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Dear 21-year-old daughter with steady boyfriend,

PLEASE don’t start planning a wedding until you graduate from college and we recover from THAT expense for a year or two. 

 

These threads make my wallet hurt. 

LOL - so true.  Realistically, if my kids wanted to get married during the college years, they would probably get next to nothing for a wedding realistically.  Especially if we were expecting to continue to help with college.  I have a feeling we will be sinking a lot of cash into college education.  

DH and I were "old" when we got married so here's hoping!   ?

[KrissiK]

7 hours ago, The Accidental Coach said:

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

How important is it to take pictures after the ceremony? That can end up taking a long time, and while some people won’t mind waiting that long.... it can be a long time for people to just sit and wait, even if there are things to eat and drink. We took pictures before the ceremony (the church we got married in highly recommended it) and were able to keep the flow of the day going.

[catz]

 

7 hours ago, The Accidental Coach said:

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

Our photographer did combined photos AFTER the wedding and separate families photos before and was able to keep that to about 30 minutes after the receiving line.  I think that time line sounds fine, I'd just verify with the photographer.  I think most experienced wedding photographers know how to get through those combined groupings very quickly.  And I think your beverage/light appetizer offerings sound fine too.  5:30 is still a pretty early dinner.  I've been to weddings that drag out WAY longer than that (like 1 pm ceremony - 6 pm dinner)

[Beth S]

18 minutes ago, KrissiK said:

How important is it to take pictures after the ceremony? That can end up taking a long time, and while some people won’t mind waiting that long.... it can be a long time for people to just sit and wait, even if there are things to eat and drink. We took pictures before the ceremony (the church we got married in highly recommended it) and were able to keep the flow of the day going.

Agreeing with this.  Our photographer friend starts ANY wedding photo discussion with, "You can either take pictures after the ceremony, or enjoy the reception."

I think it's called a First Look = the photographer captures the moment 2 hours before the wedding when the bride & groom see each other for the first time.
IMO, it's hard to keep guests (esp. kids) happy if the gap between the ceremony & the reception is long. 

[Faith-manor]

7 hours ago, The Accidental Coach said:

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

Well, if I were planning it, I'd want to offer something, but keep it super light and especially if dinner is going to be pretty big. So fruit is great, or veggies and dip, or little tea sandwiches. But I wouldn't go to a big expense, and make sure that there isn't a feast of stuff out there so that the real deal is dinner.

If there is a nice lawn around the barn, go all English Country, and borrow a croquet set and offer to start a match. Do what you can though to get that photography session down from an hr. twenty to half an hour. You will lose a lot of guests. These days many people will not just hang out, especially the ones that aren't well connected to the family so have far fewer people to chat with, that long in between. It is a lot of lag time. Get as much as possible done before, have a list of exactly what poses you want and tell the photographer to only take two shots of each pose. The reality is that they will often keep a bride and groom busy for an hour or two, but if you can't afford to buy all of those photos as enlargements, then it is kind of a waste.

 

[goldberry]

Regarding these inexpensive outdoor weddings... I'm so jealous!  The weather here is so unpredictable, even in the summer.  I would never go for an outdoor ceremony without an indoor backup.  Last year DD's graduation party was May 31st.  It rained all day and was in the 50s.  Even with tents, people could potentially be freezing.

[Faith-manor]

20 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Regarding these inexpensive outdoor weddings... I'm so jealous!  The weather here is so unpredictable, even in the summer.  I would never go for an outdoor ceremony without an indoor backup.  Last year DD's graduation party was May 31st.  It rained all day and was in the 50s.  Even with tents, people could potentially be freezing.

An outdoor wedding in Michigan is a special cure for drought. Just don't do it.

I don't think I've ever been to one that I wasn't rained on even if the forecast said "sunny, no chance of preciptation". Michigan's mother nature simply can't resist the siren call of an outdoor wedding.

[freesia]

re: the conversation about it being manipulative to say what to use the money for--I don't see it that way at all. It's more that you, the parent, are willing to throw a party to celebrate the marriage--and hopefully that party will reflect what host and bride and groom want. That's not manipulative. Yes, if one child wants something that costs much less or wants no party, one would hope the parents are able to help that couple in another way. But, to me, it's not manipulative to be willing to fund a party, for friends and relatives and not a honeymoon. 

[unsinkable]

55 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Well, if I were planning it, I'd want to offer something, but keep it super light and especially if dinner is going to be pretty big. So fruit is great, or veggies and dip, or little tea sandwiches. But I wouldn't go to a big expense, and make sure that there isn't a feast of stuff out there so that the real deal is dinner.

If there is a nice lawn around the barn, go all English Country, and borrow a croquet set and offer to start a match. Do what you can though to get that photography session down from an hr. twenty to half an hour. You will lose a lot of guests. These days many people will not just hang out, especially the ones that aren't well connected to the family so have far fewer people to chat with, that long in between. It is a lot of lag time. Get as much as possible done before, have a list of exactly what poses you want and tell the photographer to only take two shots of each pose. The reality is that they will often keep a bride and groom busy for an hour or two, but if you can't afford to buy all of those photos as enlargements, then it is kind of a waste.

 

I disagree with the bolded. People know what weddings are about. No one is going to commit an afternoon and evening to a wedding and then LEAVE bc the bridal party is taking photos during cocktail hour. 

If your invites say:

3:30 Ceremony

4:30 Cocktails

5:30 Dinner

Then a few things might happen...some people will skip the ceremony and show up sometime around the cocktail hour. Some people might plan to run a quick errand between ceremony and dinner. And some peop!e will go to the ceremony, the cocktail hour and the dinner.

I will internet guarantee that NO ONE will attend the ceremony, get a cocktail and then decide to leave bc the pics are taking too long and they have no one to talk to.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I disagree with the bolded. People know what weddings are about. No one is going to commit an afternoon and evening to a wedding and then LEAVE bc the bridal party is taking photos during cocktail hour. 

If your invites say:

3:30 Ceremony

4:30 Cocktails

5:30 Dinner

Then a few things might happen...some people will skip the ceremony and show up sometime around the cocktail hour. Some people might plan to run a quick errand between ceremony and dinner. And some peop!e will go to the ceremony, the cocktail hour and the dinner.

I will internet guarantee that NO ONE will attend the ceremony, get a cocktail and then decide to leave bc the pics are taking too long and they have no one to talk to.

Yeah, I have never heard of people leaving. Like never, ever have witnessed that. I have heard of people leaving a wedding reception earlier than the last hurrah, but never have I witnessed coming to the ceremony, then grabbing a cocktail and skedaddling. 

The weddings I have been to in the last several years had the reception either in the same location as the ceremony or within a ten minute drive. In every case, there was some kind of food and beverages and in some cases, games, for probably 30 minutes, maybe a bit more, before the emcee or DJ called everyone to attention and announced the wedding party and then the bride and groom.

I do think it would be weird to simply sit and wait with no diversion while photos are being taken. Cocktail food is a diversion, drinks are, games are. Honestly, I really think a game of croquet would be kind of awesome. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, goldberry said:

Regarding these inexpensive outdoor weddings... I'm so jealous!  The weather here is so unpredictable, even in the summer.  I would never go for an outdoor ceremony without an indoor backup.  Last year DD's graduation party was May 31st.  It rained all day and was in the 50s.  Even with tents, people could potentially be freezing.

Yeah, same here. Every outdoor wedding I have ever attended in Maryland has had an indoor/tented backup and the large majority of those weddings, it was crucial. The probability that one will happen to have chosen one of the three days per summer when it is sunny, mild, low humidity and didn’t just pour down rain yesterday leaving the ground soaked is not high. One of my nieces just got married in April; it was supposed to be outdoors at one of these “pretty barn” places. But it had to be rearranged and had giant heaters set up because it was 38dF. There was actually eight inches of snow predicted, though that thankfully did not materialize. But it was freakin cold. During the cocktail hour, we were beneath the barn which was open on one side as a run-in. This is where we had to be while they reconfigured the upstairs into a reception hall. 

Another supposed-to-be-outdoors wedding happened after a hurricane. It had poured for days. It cleared off for the actual wedding time, but they had already configured the site for indoor ceremony. 

Another didn’t rain, but it was 98 and Maryland humid. In a tent. 

I think outdoor weddings are (potentially) lovely, but I agree that where I live there needs to be a back up plan for weather issues, because weather issues are the norm here. 

[vonfirmath]

17 hours ago, Beth S said:

Agreeing with this.  Our photographer friend starts ANY wedding photo discussion with, "You can either take pictures after the ceremony, or enjoy the reception."

I think it's called a First Look = the photographer captures the moment 2 hours before the wedding when the bride & groom see each other for the first time.
IMO, it's hard to keep guests (esp. kids) happy if the gap between the ceremony & the reception is long. 

 

This is what we did. I did not want to keep my guests waiting on us to finish photos so we did them all before. And yes there was a special first look photo when my soon-to-be husband saw me in my dress for the first time.

 

(And given that our ring boy fell asleep on the stage during the ceremony... This was a good idea. I don't think he'd have been a happy woke child to participate in pictures after)

 

[marbel]

11 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I disagree with the bolded. People know what weddings are about. No one is going to commit an afternoon and evening to a wedding and then LEAVE bc the bridal party is taking photos during cocktail hour. 

<snip>

I will internet guarantee that NO ONE will attend the ceremony, get a cocktail and then decide to leave bc the pics are taking too long and they have no one to talk to.

I agree.  People will generally stay at least until the food is served.

I was at a wedding last summer where there was not enough food and they ran out early. Way too early for the amount of booze people were drinking (and many had a bottle of beer or glass of wine in hand during the ceremony).  So people left, because they needed food. 

But, what I have seen happen at weddings where there is a long time of waiting around is disgruntled guests, some of whom will drink too much because there's nothing else to do. 

I know a wedding is a unique event, being a cross between a social event and an important ceremony. But once the ceremony is over, it's up to hosts to keep their guests engaged just like they would at any other social event.   When someone hosts a dinner party, they don't leave their guests hanging around the house waiting for dinner to happen while they (the  hosts) are off doing other things. 

We did our photos before the ceremony too. We wanted our guests to have good memories of our wedding, not be annoyed that we kept them waiting around for the party to start. 

[mumto2]

I have been glancing at this thread only periodically so you may have already figured out table coverings.  I get Joann Fabrics emails and saw this fabric advertisement.  Today only, by the bolt, cheap shipping https://www.joann.com/olyfun-10-yard-bolt/zprd_14065353a.html?utm_source=Joann&utm_medium=Email&utm_content=HTML&utm_campaign=20180604E4&utm_term=Anchor07&rId=20180604E4&jid=2078655762. I have never seen Oly brand fabric in person so have no idea what it actually looks or feels like but it sounds like it might be easy to work with and be far cheaper than renting linens.  It comes in several colors, is indoor outdoor, and best of all you get 10 yards of 60 inch wide fabric for $17.  If the tables are rectangular I think that it would do three tables prettily.  If you want to keep it simple just cut it as you set up.  Add a mason jar flower decoration , causal garden in season type flowers.......... bright disposable place settings.......I think you could have a beautiful setting for your reception.  

 Btw, the fabric is washable too.

[BlsdMama]

On ‎5‎/‎31‎/‎2018 at 6:21 PM, The Accidental Coach said:

My daughter is getting married and we are working on the wedding budget and costs associated with a wedding. Weddings are not inexpensive. We are trying to cut costs everywhere we can but even then, to put on a decent wedding, it's running into big money. Since I come from a small family and don't have a large social circle, I haven't been to many weddings. How does one cut costs effectively without looking cheap? What is expected? For instance, not serving alcohol will save us a lot of money but the groom has invited a lot of fraternity brothers and wants to serve beer and wine (no hard alcohol is allowed at the venue). Renting linens and tableware is going to be over $1500 but neither the venue nor the caterer provide these. We've been told that using disposable plates is taboo. We thought going with some of the beautiful disposable tableware and flatware would be cost effective and there are some really pretty place settings available (pinterest and Etsy are great for ideas).

If you have planned a wedding recently (and I know there are a few of you), how did you cut costs? 

What is a typical percentage of family contribution for weddings these days? How much is the couple supposed to contribute? Obviously, there are a number of factors that go into it, but what is the social standard? Are the parents of the bride still expected to pay 90%+ of the wedding? The bridal magazines and planning books we have all seem to be geared towards brides with large budgets.

(heavy sigh)

I guess I just need someone to commiserate with. Anyone I speak to IRL with just think I"m complaining and that's not what I want to do. I just want to talk things through, IYKWIM.

 

As long as you conform to the, "Oh, no, we must have..." or, alternatively, "We must not..."  You might be on the hook for a *lot* of $$ dependent on societal (or couple) pressure.

I don't think that's right honestly.  My daughter was married a year ago.  Her focus was more on the marriage than the wedding and our budget was not large.  We self-catered.  I'd guess we had in the neighborhood of 22-250 (?) people.  It's been a year, I can't remember, lol.  We have large extended families and their church was heavily involved.  In my opinion, we had a *very* inexpensive wedding for feeding that many people.

The exact amounts may really not be exactly right.  I think I did a more accurate budget for someone here about six months ago when I still remembered it.
The dress was like $800 with alterations included.
The venue was supplied in the cost of the church package with the pastor and the reception hall and it was *really* inexpensive. I want to say something like $300.
A friend did our photography and I think she charged like $500.
We did self cater - smoked pork shoulders, sides, cake, punch.
We did *not* do an open bar and neither do you have to - another option is having a bar/bartender available but self pay.  Around here it is customary to have an open bar for an hour or two and then everyone pays for their drinks.  It is not an all evening open bar. 

Are you affiliated with a church?  The church my daughter and son attended supplied plates/glasses/silverware.

We did our own flowers - she wanted all fresh.  It was a couple hundred ($3?) to order everything from Costco and Sam's.  They delivered like a week before the wedding to allow them to fully open.

We had a local gal do the cakes and cupcakes.  I think that bill ran about $200.
Decorations were mostly rented - backdrops, runners, etc.  I think that bill was about $250?
I am honestly not sure what we spent on food.  The loins were bought at a previous sale and prepared by us - but we have a smoker/griller.  Most of the sides were pre-purchased with the exception of a very fancy mac-n-cheese the bride requested.  We made it the morning of and I would *never* ever suggest doing that while you're trying to do pictures.  Ever.

We hired two teen girls to watch the youngest kiddos in the church nursery.

I suspect the largest expense for us was outfitting the family for pictures.  There were 13 of us to dress.

So, I think, all said, we probably had about $4k into the wedding? But I never added it up - never wanted to.  I think ours was a very inexpensive wedding as far as weddings go for serving a couple hundred people.  To do it all over again, we would have hired people to work in the kitchen but I had zero idea how to get ahold of people to do that and didn't want to ask family or friends, kwim?



But, here's the thing - you have a budget that you can and/or want to afford.

I think I'd lay it out for them.  Essentially you have X amount of $$.  I would lay out all the areas money can be spent and what each thing is going to cost.  Then they can decide where they want to allocate it and what's important to them, and what's important enough for them to pay for.
We did traditional and we paid for the wedding.  The groom's family hosted a meal the night of the practice run through at the church.  We both have really big families so it wasn't fancy but it was very enjoyable - two families getting to eat together before the big day.  <3

[unsinkable]

12 hours ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I have never heard of people leaving. Like never, ever have witnessed that. I have heard of people leaving a wedding reception earlier than the last hurrah, but never have I witnessed coming to the ceremony, then grabbing a cocktail and skedaddling. 

The weddings I have been to in the last several years had the reception either in the same location as the ceremony or within a ten minute drive. In every case, there was some kind of food and beverages and in some cases, games, for probably 30 minutes, maybe a bit more, before the emcee or DJ called everyone to attention and announced the wedding party and then the bride and groom.

I do think it would be weird to simply sit and wait with no diversion while photos are being taken. Cocktail food is a diversion, drinks are, games are. Honestly, I really think a game of croquet would be kind of awesome. 

 

2 hours ago, marbel said:

I agree.  People will generally stay at least until the food is served.

I was at a wedding last summer where there was not enough food and they ran out early. Way too early for the amount of booze people were drinking (and many had a bottle of beer or glass of wine in hand during the ceremony).  So people left, because they needed food. 

But, what I have seen happen at weddings where there is a long time of waiting around is disgruntled guests, some of whom will drink too much because there's nothing else to do. 

I know a wedding is a unique event, being a cross between a social event and an important ceremony. But once the ceremony is over, it's up to hosts to keep their guests engaged just like they would at any other social event.   When someone hosts a dinner party, they don't leave their guests hanging around the house waiting for dinner to happen while they (the  hosts) are off doing other things. 

We did our photos before the ceremony too. We wanted our guests to have good memories of our wedding, not be annoyed that we kept them waiting around for the party to start. 

Yes, I agree it is best to provide some activities for guests and to not keep them waiting too long between the ceremony and dinner. It is part of being thoughtful hosts.

If it is an outdoor event, then a bunch of lawn games would be nice. I'd hit up family, friends, coworkers , etc and ask to borrow stuff if possible before I'd buy any. Only a few people can play Croquet at a time. But a couple sets or bocce or cornhole or baskets of bubbles, chalk, hula hoops, ladder toss, toss across, giant Jenga or giant 4 in a row, Kan Jam, etc...

[lmrich]

There is a website for selling used wedding stuff:  https://wedding-recycle.com  shipping might kill the deal, but you could find something local. 

 

Burlap is easy to buy by the bolt at Hobby Lobby or (I bet JoAnn's) and use the weekly coupon on it. (of course you can use your smart phone and get a new coupon code everyday!)

Remember anything you use, you can resell again, if you are organized and keep it all clean. 

Have fun!

[Scarlett]

We had friends over yesterday.  A young couple with 2 young children---they just got married about 3 years ago---and her parents.  While discussing that my ds18 doesn't want a graduation party because he doesn't want to be the center of attention, the young mom told me that she understood because she didn't want a wedding.  I said, 'why did you have one?'  She pointed to  her husband and to her parents.  I said well those are good reasons. She then revealed to me that her parents had taken out a loan on their life insurance to pay for her wedding.  And that upsets her.  Her parents replied, 'don't be upset, we WANTED to do that.'   There was a lot of emotion right there in my living room between these people...all wanting different things and all wanting to make each other happy.  

Weddings are hard.  

But I was especially disappointed to learn they had taken out a loan to finance her wedding.  Part of what might have happened though is that I remember the grooms parents offered to pay half of the event space and catering which full price cost was $7500.  So parents of the bride may have felt pressure to do more than they normally would have.

[catz]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

We had friends over yesterday.  A young couple with 2 young children---they just got married about 3 years ago---and her parents.  While discussing that my ds18 doesn't want a graduation party because he doesn't want to be the center of attention, the young mom told me that she understood because she didn't want a wedding.  I said, 'why did you have one?'  She pointed to  her husband and to her parents.  I said well those are good reasons. She then revealed to me that her parents had taken out a loan on their life insurance to pay for her wedding.  And that upsets her.  Her parents replied, 'don't be upset, we WANTED to do that.'   There was a lot of emotion right there in my living room between these people...all wanting different things and all wanting to make each other happy.  

Weddings are hard.  

But I was especially disappointed to learn they had taken out a loan to finance her wedding.  Part of what might have happened though is that I remember the grooms parents offered to pay half of the event space and catering which full price cost was $7500.  So parents of the bride may have felt pressure to do more than they normally would have.

Wow - well she's going to resent it even more if the parents end up in a financial crises later in life and she has to help pick up the pieces.  Really bad idea on the part of the parents.  I'd be mad too.  

I think a very short term loan (6 months?) could be ok to spread out payments.  Or running a little low on a savings account for a few months to cover it being acceptable.  If everyone actually wanted a wedding.    What a poor example to a young couple too.  

[TravelingChris]

We kept costs down in a lot of ways that won't be acceptable to you. Our daughter had her reception in the church fellowship hall.  We used a caterer which was our biggest expense but we did use plastic and paper plates and utensils and cups.  We did not have alcohol as this was in a church building. My dd bought a wedding dress that was on a huge sale. We only did some flowers with a florist, others we did by ourselves with grocery flowers.  We used the church linens,  We did cheap decorations on our own for tables using supplies at Hobby Lobby.  DD found inexpensive photographer she liked and also videographer.  Also found not very expensive dj.  Altogher, her wedding was around 9K, I believe, with the biggest cost being caterer.

[Scarlett]

37 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Wow - well she's going to resent it even more if the parents end up in a financial crises later in life and she has to help pick up the pieces.  Really bad idea on the part of the parents.  I'd be mad too.  

I think a very short term loan (6 months?) could be ok to spread out payments.  Or running a little low on a savings account for a few months to cover it being acceptable.  If everyone actually wanted a wedding.    What a poor example to a young couple too.  

 

[Scarlett]

I would not say she is resentful.  Not at all.  It just is  not what she wanted ESPECIALLY since it was a financial hardship for them.

[catz]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would not say she is resentful.  Not at all.  It just is  not what she wanted ESPECIALLY since it was a financial hardship for them.

Sorry, I didn't mean to put words in your mouth.  It just did sound like there is some tension there with regards to how it went down and I do feel badly for the bride.  

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have an appt this afternoon with a local lady who rents linens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she can give us a good deal. She has worked with the venue in the past and has the date available.

Please understand that DD is having games and activities for her guests to do in the time slot between the wedding and dinner. My question wasn't about providing entertainment but whether or not providing appetizers was necessary at that time since we'll be having a full dinner at 5:30pm. I was hoping that might be a place I could cut back.

I don't know how anyone can budget for a big event without knowing at least ballpark figures up front. Yes, we have a certain amount available to spend but we had no idea that some caterers charge upwards of $35 a plate (or that some add a 20% gratuity to the final bill) nor did we know that renting linens and serviceware would be $1000. We've never needed to inquire about it before. It is after getting those initial quotes that we know what we have to work with and what is feasible. We know we cannot do a sit down meal served by waiters; we can afford a buffet. We cannot afford steak or prime rib; we can afford chicken or BBQ.  We cannot afford (nor do we want to mess with) china and crystal; we can afford pretty disposables.

And, as one of the caterers has explained to us, barn weddings in our area are not inexpensive weddings because of the little expenses (like having to truck in port-a-potties, linens, serviceware) that would be included in a church or country club wedding. Well, that and the $$ for the barn.

 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Sorry, I didn't mean to put words in your mouth.  It just did sound like there is some tension there with regards to how it went down and I do feel badly for the bride.  

Oh I didn't think you were putting words in my mouth.  I just wasnt clear....it is difficult to expain moods and tones.  My main point is how do you make everyone happyish?  Because most people I know, even those with great personal boundaries in place, have no desire to say to their parents 'too bad if you want to see me married-I do whats best for me.'.  And in the case of my friends last night the Bride wanted one thing, the Groom the other.  

Weddings are hard.

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, The Accidental Coach said:

I have an appt this afternoon with a local lady who rents linens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she can give us a good deal. She has worked with the venue in the past and has the date available.

Please understand that DD is having games and activities for her guests to do in the time slot between the wedding and dinner. My question wasn't about providing entertainment but whether or not providing appetizers was necessary at that time since we'll be having a full dinner at 5:30pm. I was hoping that might be a place I could cut back.

I don't know how anyone can budget for a big event without knowing at least ballpark figures up front. Yes, we have a certain amount available to spend but we had no idea that some caterers charge upwards of $35 a plate (or that some add a 20% gratuity to the final bill) nor did we know that renting linens and serviceware would be $1000. We've never needed to inquire about it before. It is after getting those initial quotes that we know what we have to work with and what is feasible. We know we cannot do a sit down meal served by waiters; we can afford a buffet. We cannot afford steak or prime rib; we can afford chicken or BBQ.  We cannot afford (nor do we want to mess with) china and crystal; we can afford pretty disposables.

And, as one of the caterers has explained to us, barn weddings in our area are not inexpensive weddings because of the little expenses (like having to truck in port-a-potties, linens, serviceware) that would be included in a church or country club wedding. Well, that and the $$ for the barn.

 

 

Yes, exactly. Also, there are a lot of “hidden” expenses with having a backyard wedding or wedding at a park, etc. One friend told me renting a tent is NOT CHEAP. It may be less than a banquet hall, but it is still not cheap, and then you have to provide chairs, tables, linens, tableware, etc. 

This thread has had me seriously consider getting some figures on hypothetical wedding scenarios now, though there is no engagement yet. It’s a little like “Father of the Bride”where Steve Martin thinks that having the wedding at home will save costs.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes, exactly. Also, there are a lot of “hidden” expenses with having a backyard wedding or wedding at a park, etc. One friend told me renting a tent is NOT CHEAP. It may be less than a banquet hall, but it is still not cheap, and then you have to provide chairs, tables, linens, tableware, etc. 

This thread has had me seriously consider getting some figures on hypothetical wedding scenarios now, though there is no engagement yet. It’s a little like “Father of the Bride”where Steve Martin thinks that having the wedding at home will save costs.

 

Oh, hey. I want to re-watch that now!

We are suddenly trimming ds's very frugal August wedding even further; the bridge and groom were just notified (this weekend) of a huge tuition hike at their uni, for their upcoming senior year. Everything from wedding and honeymoon to first home, is being scaled back. They thought they were near bottom already, but both sets of parents have some experience and can help them drop further into poverty with aplomb. We wish we could give them money :( but we could only get them TO this point. But we will help with groceries and thrift shopping and how-to advice. Putting off the marriage wouldn't help; these two are a great team and will benefit from joining forces.

[Caroline]

27 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

Oh, hey. I want to re-watch that now!

We are suddenly trimming ds's very frugal August wedding even further; the bridge and groom were just notified (this weekend) of a huge tuition hike at their uni, for their upcoming senior year. Everything from wedding and honeymoon to first home, is being scaled back. They thought they were near bottom already, but both sets of parents have some experience and can help them drop further into poverty with aplomb. We wish we could give them money ? but we could only get them TO this point. But we will help with groceries and thrift shopping and how-to advice. Putting off the marriage wouldn't help; these two are a great team and will benefit from joining forces.

Will they get better financial aid being married? 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Tibbie - I'm feeling for you.  ((Tibbie)) 

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, The Accidental Coach said:

I have an appt this afternoon with a local lady who rents linens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she can give us a good deal. She has worked with the venue in the past and has the date available.

Please understand that DD is having games and activities for her guests to do in the time slot between the wedding and dinner. My question wasn't about providing entertainment but whether or not providing appetizers was necessary at that time since we'll be having a full dinner at 5:30pm. I was hoping that might be a place I could cut back.

I don't know how anyone can budget for a big event without knowing at least ballpark figures up front. Yes, we have a certain amount available to spend but we had no idea that some caterers charge upwards of $35 a plate (or that some add a 20% gratuity to the final bill) nor did we know that renting linens and serviceware would be $1000. We've never needed to inquire about it before. It is after getting those initial quotes that we know what we have to work with and what is feasible. We know we cannot do a sit down meal served by waiters; we can afford a buffet. We cannot afford steak or prime rib; we can afford chicken or BBQ.  We cannot afford (nor do we want to mess with) china and crystal; we can afford pretty disposables.

And, as one of the caterers has explained to us, barn weddings in our area are not inexpensive weddings because of the little expenses (like having to truck in port-a-potties, linens, serviceware) that would be included in a church or country club wedding. Well, that and the $$ for the barn.

 

 

I'm sorry. I got distracted by the idea put forth by another poster that people would leave if the pictures took too long. 

I didn't mean to appear  to be playing 100,000 Pyramid with the category being "Lawn Games."

 I saw you will have water, lemonade and iced tea available. I think if you did bowls of snacks like pretzels, Chex mix, and nuts out on tables and/or near those beverages, you could skip other appetizers.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

1 hour ago, Caroline said:

Will they get better financial aid being married? 

 

No, they are both from lower income families and both were NMFs who got full merit scholarships. So even though these tuition hikes are a serious problem, overall the two of them have gotten a lot of help! There's no more aid. (They checked.) But I talked to ds this afternoon, and he's sure he can get a reasonably low interest loan, and he found a duplex to rent that is cheaper than even married student housing! So we'll be thankful this is a low COL area, and just knuckle down another level. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I'm back from the rental venue and we can rent white tablecloths for $8 a piece. No table runners, no colored table cloths. She had some cute decorations/centerpieces in rustic/burlap but wants $20 per centerpiece to set up. Her quote, with labor, is over $600. I'm thinking we'll rent the table cloths from her and continue with our plan of doing homemade centerpieces. Surely we can do them for less than $20 each. DD wants something that looks like this:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/492862752951522135/?lp=true

The disposable serviceware arrived and we are quite happy with it. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

36 minutes ago, The Accidental Coach said:

I'm back from the rental venue and we can rent white tablecloths for $8 a piece. No table runners, no colored table cloths. She had some cute decorations/centerpieces in rustic/burlap but wants $20 per centerpiece to set up. Her quote, with labor, is over $600. I'm thinking we'll rent the table cloths from her and continue with our plan of doing homemade centerpieces. Surely we can do them for less than $20 each. DD wants something that looks like this:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/492862752951522135/?lp=true

The disposable serviceware arrived and we are quite happy with it. 

 

Good heavens. If you were here, I'd provide the branches to cut into rounds, and loan you some bottles and jelly jars, and a kid to wood-burn the table numbers. And we have plenty of glue and varnish for the yarn-wound bottle vases. Sunflowers, greens, and baby's breath, and a few roles of twine, would be all that you need. CHEAP. (Unless you have a million tables.) Ask on your local freecycle, my local counterpart might be reading...

 

[Jaybee]

I don't remember if you said how much time you have before the wedding. If you have enough time, and don't mind mix-and-match for the centerpieces, hit the thrift stores for vases/jars. One dd was helping a friend by decorating for the reception. She found lots of jugs and big jars--not for the tables, but for placing around the venue with interesting branches. It looked really nice (with draped tulle and lighting) and was a bit unusual.

[mumto2]

Appetizers......My one experience was my wedding. We had a similar time gap.  Keep them light and few and I would only serve it you have alcohol.  My guests filled up on them thanks to My Fil ordering more and more without consulting us (he did pay for them and had intended to apparently)  and people were too full to enjoy the buffet that my parents paid for.  Dh and I both noticed that our appetizers were stretching really far and couldn't figure out why until the final bill arrived with 3X the cost for the appetizers.  It wasn't a mistake.

[Carol in Cal.]

Re the burlap, Costco sometimes has very large rolls of wide burlap ribbon for very good prices.  Like, maybe 4-6 inches wide.  It's good stuff; I bought a roll the year we baked out big sugarpine cones and packaged them in feed sacks tied with this ribbon for Christmas, and it looked awesome.

Knots of that around the vases or possibly just random knots in the center of the tables might be effective and less pricey than full length burlap runners.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

On ‎6‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 3:50 PM, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

nm

 

[Amber in SJ]

Be flexible.  Accept all offers of help.  DIY anything you can.  Pinterest is a bride's friend and a mother-of-the-bride's enemy.  Expect to go over-budget; try to make the amount small.  Have a plan B.

My dd planned to have a lovely reception in a family friend's beautiful backyard.  We rented the tables, chairs, serving pieces and planned the decorations for the gazebo.  Rented a sound system & dance floor (but luckily didn't have dance floor installed ahead of time.)  The day before it started to rain.  At the end of May in sunny California.   We had to move the entire kit and caboodle to the church gym, which the bride had swore she would never consider as a venue.  We needed a completely different set of things, but friends really came through for us as much as they could, but drastically changing the venue 30 hours before was costly.

Amber in SJ

[KungFuPanda]

On 6/3/2018 at 10:19 PM, Quill said:

Yeah, same here. Every outdoor wedding I have ever attended in Maryland has had an indoor/tented backup and the large majority of those weddings, it was crucial. The probability that one will happen to have chosen one of the three days per summer when it is sunny, mild, low humidity and didn’t just pour down rain yesterday leaving the ground soaked is not high. One of my nieces just got married in April; it was supposed to be outdoors at one of these “pretty barn” places. But it had to be rearranged and had giant heaters set up because it was 38dF. There was actually eight inches of snow predicted, though that thankfully did not materialize. But it was freakin cold. During the cocktail hour, we were beneath the barn which was open on one side as a run-in. This is where we had to be while they reconfigured the upstairs into a reception hall. 

Another supposed-to-be-outdoors wedding happened after a hurricane. It had poured for days. It cleared off for the actual wedding time, but they had already configured the site for indoor ceremony. 

Another didn’t rain, but it was 98 and Maryland humid. In a tent. 

I think outdoor weddings are (potentially) lovely, but I agree that where I live there needs to be a back up plan for weather issues, because weather issues are the norm here. 

My daughter’s friend had her indoor wedding reception planned in old town E.C. for the weekend after this latest flood. She had to scramble for a new location. I don’t remember where she ended up. It’s best not to turn your back on Maryland. 

[RootAnn]

I haven't been to a wedding in over five years - might be closer to 10. Heading to my oldest niece's wedding in a week. Lots of fighting over money/costs, so it'll be interesting to see how everything is done. DH & I did a very inexpensive wedding back in the day including flowers & sheet cakes from the grocery store. We had a cash bar, but DH had an agreement with the bartender to keep a secret tab for the groomsmen & his dad, I think. DH settled the secret tab & tipped him when he finished up for the night. It was a compromise between 'no alcohol' (one of my mother's ignored requirements) and free alcohol (DH's desire). 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Update:

DD and I found some locally made Amish wine and purchased the wine ourselves. The wine seller gave us a nice discount since we bought 2 cases. DH and DFSIL will be going to purchase beer. This will save us quite a bit of money as well as limit the amount people can drink. It is a good compromise.

We ended up ordering table cloths from the tableclothsfactory.com. We were able to get what we needed, table cloths and runners, for less than $8 a table. Yes, we will have to decorate the tables and find new homes for them after the wedding but it saved a couple hundred dollars.

After receiving a few more bids on catering, we chose to go with DD's first choice. It's a bit more expensive but the services provided and the relationship this caterer has with the venue is priceless. 

If everything goes smoothly we should be okay.