Wedding Costs - let's chat, please.

[ElizabethB]

Can you rent a moving truck for a few days and rent and pick up and return the portable bathroom yourself in the big town cheaper than having them deliver?  If you get a local move truck for a few days it is usually not that much.

Out of the box ideas for food:

How much to get an online catering license?  Have someone get that and make/pick up some food.

Or, like people have mentioned, restaurant purchased ready to go and keep warm, you could combine a few restaurants and have someone pick up the food and deliver.

[mamakelly]

My sister got married last year. My mom opted to purchase the table linens from an online company. It was so much less expensive then renting and she sold them to a friend whose son was getting married. The only issue with that was we had to iron and transport them ourselves. It took some trial and error to figure out how to do it without making them super wrinkly. But it saved them several thousand dollars. I can ask her which site we used if you’d like.

 

 

[SarahCB]

My dd is getting married in July. Her fiancee is Catholic and they have a large family, so there are about 130 people on the groom's side and about 30 people on the bride's side. If they could have had a smaller guest list, they would have. They are very careful about what they are spending and their mindset going into this is that this is about their marriage and not about having a perfect wedding.

The wedding is taking place on a lake where a bunch of the groom's family has cottages. The guests are either renting cottages or are staying at a nearby hotel. To avoid the cost of a sit-down dinner, they are having an evening wedding. 6:30pm. Afterwards, there will be a few appies served while the bridal party does photographs. Instead of a wedding cake, my dd is having a cake table. She has asked close family to bake special cakes. I'm making the cake they will cut (the chocolate cake I've served for every birthday for years and that my mom made for my birthdays growing up). I'm also making Pioneer Woman's 4th of July sheet cake - obviously not decorated as a US flag ? It's a fantastic cake and feeds an army. My mom is making her carrot cake. My sister is making cupcakes. The groom's mother and aunts are making cakes. Dd loves this idea as it's a lot more special than a bakery cake and there's much more variety. I like it because it doesn't cost us anything.

They are providing beer and wine, but because we're at a cottage, guests can also bring their own beverages. They are spending a bit on beer as they both like craft beer. I think the biggest cost is the tent. And the band (they really wanted a live band). The photographer was pricey as well, but the person they chose had done the photos for one of the groom's brothers so they were familiar with her work. They also have a poutine truck coming for a midnight snack for guests. I don't know what that cost...

Dd ordered the flowers from Costco. She's not fussy - I think I spent less than $300 for flowers and that will take care of centrepieces, too. They're doing table runners and centrepieces by hand. Her brothers are playing her down the aisle (string trio). 

They are honeymooning within driving distance and are staying at an Airbnb. 

The groom's parents are paying a bigger share of the costs as they had a bigger proportion of the guest list.

 

[mommyoffive]

I had a really expensive wedding and wish I hadn't.  I got sucked in.  I wish I would have spent that on the honeymoon or down payment on a home. 

I want my kids to have an cheaper one.  The memory can still be nice at $ vs $$$. 

[Faith-manor]

I bought instead of renting, in terms of linens. At the time, five years ago, I was able to buy cheaper than renting. However, the online place that I purchased from has increased their prices dramatically, so I don't know if you would be able to do that now. It was worth the savings at the time, but that said, rental tablecloths and napkins go back to the rental place unlaundered. You just shake them out. I took home eight banquet table cloths (food, desserts, gift, and bridal party) plus eight rounds, and 75 napkins all of which had to be washed. It wasn't feasible to do all of that in my washing machine as it would be so many loads, and some of the cloths needed to be laundered within 24 hrs to keep stains from setting. So I ended up at the laundromat which was NOT an expense originally built into the budget. If you have friends that are willing to each take a trash bag of linens home, then it would be a lot easier. Many hands make light work....as the saying goes. I had no one. The groom's family was from out of state as were all his friends, my father figure was recovering from heart surgery so my mom had her hands full, my mother in law has an apartment size washing machine that couldn't even launder one of the 108" rounds, and I don't really have friends. I have a LOT of acquaintances, some of whom I have given a boatload of  volunteer hours to work their family events, weddings, graduation parties, helping with funerals, etc. but they do not reciprocate. So, yay for all of you who have a work team of friends and family that have your back, but there are a lot of hostesses and brides who don't thus making "do it yourself" an exhausting nightmare. That said, before my dear son in law's family left to head back to Pennsylvania, those dear people washed china and glassware for me including his sister, and getting all of that done so I could get it returned on time was a huge job, and much appreciated!

As a result, I tend to advise that do it yourself should only involve a reasonable work load so that the hostess can enjoy the day too. If the bride and groom want more than what can be afforded for hire, then they need to pay, the groom's family needs to pay, or they need to adjust their expectations. Whatever you do, don't.go.into.debt. That's the NOT gift that keeps on giving.

[Guest]

Quote

 wedding planning does become the start of your dd & her future dh as a decision-making unit.  You want to strengthen that, and support that . . . but I honestly think giving the set amount creates that realistic tension between needs & wants which most young married couples will be dealing with for the rest of their lives.  ?

Here’s what I wonder about doing it this way though: how do you know where to set the amount? Because I do think it should ideally hit that sweet spot where they will have to forego some things they might have wanted, but not so hard a budget that it drives them to elope or something. Like, suppose I said, “okay, I have $7k for you. You can have whatever is left if you are under budget; if over budget, you pay that difference yourself,” and then the kids go, “Pssshhh! What do we need a wedding for anyway? Let’s get the Vegas Chapel $198.00 deal and then go to France for a month.” Truthfully I wouldn’t be fine with that. I would want an actual wedding because I think it has implications surrounding the families having a passing acquantaince at minimum. 

I feel like I would have a hard time settling on an amount unless I first got a bunch of figures and then based the budget on that. In some ways, it was easier knowing my whole life that my parents did not intend to spend one dime on our weddings; they always said this and it bore out. But all of my sisters eloped at least once. I really hope my kids do not elope. Even if it merely a backyard bbq, I think it should be a wedding. 

[vonfirmath]

17 minutes ago, Quill said:

Here’s what I wonder about doing it this way though: how do you know where to set the amount? Because I do think it should ideally hit that sweet spot where they will have to forego some things they might have wanted, but not so hard a budget that it drives them to elope or something. Like, suppose I said, “okay, I have $7k for you. You can have whatever is left if you are under budget; if over budget, you pay that difference yourself,” and then the kids go, “Pssshhh! What do we need a wedding for anyway? Let’s get the Vegas Chapel $198.00 deal and then go to France for a month.” Truthfully I wouldn’t be fine with that. I would want an actual wedding because I think it has implications surrounding the families having a passing acquantaince at minimum. 

I feel like I would have a hard time settling on an amount unless I first got a bunch of figures and then based the budget on that. In some ways, it was easier knowing my whole life that my parents did not intend to spend one dime on our weddings; they always said this and it bore out. But all of my sisters eloped at least once. I really hope my kids do not elope. Even if it merely a backyard bbq, I think it should be a wedding. 

 

But... even this is setting expectations about your children's wedding. You raised your kids. If family is important to them, then that will reflect in how they live their lives regardless of whether they elope or not. It is a gift to them to let them make these decisions for themselves and to know there are not strings attached when money/gifts are given.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

 

But... even this is setting expectations about your children's wedding. You raised your kids. If family is important to them, then that will reflect in how they live their lives regardless of whether they elope or not. It is a gift to them to let them make these decisions for themselves and to know there are not strings attached when money/gifts are given.

Sure, but I’m not giving them thousands of dollars to do whatever they want with it. It would be for a wedding. 

It’s the same idea as their college funds. We are paying for their college, but that money is only for college. If they don’t go to college, they don’t just get $100K as a present to use how they wish. I mean if they had some other great idea and they want to make a case for financing their Widget Factory, well, we can discuss it, but my point is, their college money is for college. 

Wedding is the same way. 

[Selkie]

When our kids reach adulthood, we're going to give each of them an equal sum and tell them they can spend it on a wedding, a downpayment on a house, a trip, or whatever their hearts desire. I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever if my kids eloped, because I think there are much better uses for money than a wedding (and also, I've noticed that the more elaborate the wedding, the quicker the divorce!). But again, it's going to be their choice.

Dh and I would have preferred to elope or have a very small wedding (paid for ourselves), but it was important to our moms that we have a big wedding, so we did. Looking back, I really wish we would have done what we wanted instead. 

[SamanthaCarter]

All I know is: step away from the bridal magazines, websites and Etsy. Good luck and congratulations! 

[LucyStoner]

53 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

 

But... even this is setting expectations about your children's wedding. You raised your kids. If family is important to them, then that will reflect in how they live their lives regardless of whether they elope or not. It is a gift to them to let them make these decisions for themselves and to know there are not strings attached when money/gifts are given.

 

Exactly.  We eloped.  Family is very important to us.  These are not incongruous facts.  We hosted a party a year later so my mom could have her pictures and such.  

[SamanthaCarter]

I don’t think I have much right commenting here since my wedding was 14 years ago and I have grade school kids. But. In hindsight I am a little offended at what took place with my wedding regarding cost. My parents were out of state and gave us a generous enough budget to do what we wished with for a wedding. I am introverted and had a small list of friends and family, and wanted a small wedding, but as soon as we were engaged my in laws started working on thier guest list. I didn’t fight my dh/then fiancée about it, because he kind of wanted a big wedding. We ended up getting the guest count down to about 250 attending. Four of those could be considered guests of my parents (2 of which were in town and also guests of inlaws). In laws paid $0 outside of their rehearsal dinner and disposable cameras for the reception. 

I would spend $$$ to give my parents a 50 year anniversary party. I feel like my ILs already had theirs. 

[catz]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Sure, but I’m not giving them thousands of dollars to do whatever they want with it. It would be for a wedding. 

It’s the same idea as their college funds. We are paying for their college, but that money is only for college. If they don’t go to college, they don’t just get $100K as a present to use how they wish. I mean if they had some other great idea and they want to make a case for financing their Widget Factory, well, we can discuss it, but my point is, their college money is for college. 

Wedding is the same way. 

I think it's your money so you can stipulate how ever you want.  I would not want to be nickel and diming about minute things like giving frat brothers unlimited beer.  I would say here's $1500 for linens, flowers, and a beverage budget - figure it out.   I would be irritated if my daughter signed a contract on such a weird venue assuming we'd choke up money for it and all the extras after the fact without a frank discussion ahead of time.  Wedding vendors always act like the sky is falling and you need to reserve and pay no OR ELSE.  Or else what?  You get married a different weekend?  Who cares.  It feels like a big deal at the time but it's really not.    There's already going to be tension and disconnect with the couple planning an event.  Add in a couple opinionated families and it can turn into a stressful and less than fun train wreck.   Clear expectations ahead of time can prevent a lot of problems.

I think if you have big funds to help with a wedding and everyone wants a big wedding, it's fine.  We had a large wedding and it was one day and it didn't define our marriage.   We spent more on some things and less on others.

My kids haven't gone to college yet, so I have no idea how we will handle weddings.  I have no problem saying college money is for college and you drop out that bank closes.  But I do suspect we will flat gift X dollars to both our son and daughter for a wedding assuming we are in a position to do so.  What they choose to do will probably depend on their own financial position at that time and their personalities and desires.  Like I said earlier, we mostly threw and paid for our own wedding.  I was 29 years old and we were bringing in 2 healthy professional incomes.   My dad was actually diagnosed with a terminal illness and had heart surgery shortly before we married so that really kept it in perspective.  It was a no stress event.  It's supposed to be fun.  I really don't think parents NEED to do anything in terms of financing a wedding.  I'd rather invest more in education and less on a wedding personally.  

I also know moms who've thrown and hosted parties for their kids who've eloped after the fact.  That is something I'd consider if my kids wanted to elope but I wanted to try and get some family together to celebrate.  

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Here’s what I wonder about doing it this way though: how do you know where to set the amount? Because I do think it should ideally hit that sweet spot where they will have to forego some things they might have wanted, but not so hard a budget that it drives them to elope or something. Like, suppose I said, “okay, I have $7k for you. You can have whatever is left if you are under budget; if over budget, you pay that difference yourself,” and then the kids go, “Pssshhh! What do we need a wedding for anyway? Let’s get the Vegas Chapel $198.00 deal and then go to France for a month.” Truthfully I wouldn’t be fine with that. I would want an actual wedding because I think it has implications surrounding the families having a passing acquantaince at minimum. 

I feel like I would have a hard time settling on an amount unless I first got a bunch of figures and then based the budget on that. In some ways, it was easier knowing my whole life that my parents did not intend to spend one dime on our weddings; they always said this and it bore out. But all of my sisters eloped at least once. I really hope my kids do not elope. Even if it merely a backyard bbq, I think it should be a wedding. 

 

I have told my kids that they can elope if they want to, but they have to invite us. In other words, they can have whatever kind of wedding they want, but we want to be there. It has been interesting how different they have been so far; each has expressed the personality of the couple in beautiful ways.

[Jaybee]

On flowers, one big saver has been to buy from a wholesale shop. (Not all wholesale places allow this.) We got absolutely beautiful flowers for much less, and friends/sisters made up the bouquets and arrangements.

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

 

Exactly.  We eloped.  Family is very important to us.  These are not incongruous facts.  We hosted a party a year later so my mom could have her pictures and such.  

Just for clarity, I wasn’t saying eloping means the family isn’t important to the couple. It was too wordy to say what I meant, which was this: I like a wedding because, at least ideally, the families get to know one another. As I said, all of my sisters eloped at least once. In no case did I know much of anything about the family of the spouse. Did these men have siblings? Parents alive? Where were they from? It was like my sisters had married into the Witness Protection Program - like this spouse-person had just turned up one day and married my sister. 

This is what I like about a wedding. It feels less like a stranger has turned up in my life. And I know not all people come from a family you really want to know about so sometimes, I’m sure eloping is much easier than navigating unreliable family members. And I know we don’t necessarily get what we dreamed of for our kids, but if possible, I would be happier if they were marrying people from a stable background. 

In short, I like a wedding. 

[JennyD]

1 hour ago, Patty Joanna said:

 

Also, I don't know where you live, but in our area we have a couple of stores called Cash and Carry.  These are the stores where smaller restaurants and caterers buy their food and service supplies.  I get our supplies there for all the parties--just went out there and got 100 plastic shot glasses for $5, 200 6 ounce wine-service glasses for $20 (not soft plastic, but clear and solid and pretty).  This is for a party of 100 tomorrow.  I usually get the roll-tablecloths there when there is an event at our parish...  Anyway, if you don't have that particular store, find out where this sort of business is in your area.  It has saved me a LOT of money over the years.  I got service trays, doilies to match, all of which *they* call disposable but I've used them at least 10 times (not the doilies...) and people at church think it is really fancy.  It's not--it's just cheaper than owning/storing ceramic service plates.  And if one gets so disgusting that I don't want to wash it, I can pitch it.  

Cash and carry  is where I got the supplies for our party, too.  The prices were terrific.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

35 minutes ago, Quill said:

Just for clarity, I wasn’t saying eloping means the family isn’t important to the couple. It was too wordy to say what I meant, which was this: I like a wedding because, at least ideally, the families get to know one another. As I said, all of my sisters eloped at least once. In no case did I know much of anything about the family of the spouse. Did these men have siblings? Parents alive? Where were they from? It was like my sisters had married into the Witness Protection Program - like this spouse-person had just turned up one day and married my sister. 

This is what I like about a wedding. It feels less like a stranger has turned up in my life. And I know not all people come from a family you really want to know about so sometimes, I’m sure eloping is much easier than navigating unreliable family members. And I know we don’t necessarily get what we dreamed of for our kids, but if possible, I would be happier if they were marrying people from a stable background. 

In short, I like a wedding. 

The money we gave our girls was for their gift from us for their union and new life as a couple.  Our gift didn't come with strings attached, other than they had to get legally married to get it. If they aren't into weddings, then eloping is fine because it's not about us, it's about them and their union. I had a controlling mother when it came to my wedding.  You do not want people to think of you the way controlling mothers are thought of. 

You can always ask the future in-law about his family.  All the questions asked are how I make chit chat with people I meet, so I don't need a wedding to know any of that.

[LucyStoner]

42 minutes ago, Quill said:

Just for clarity, I wasn’t saying eloping means the family isn’t important to the couple. It was too wordy to say what I meant, which was this: I like a wedding because, at least ideally, the families get to know one another. As I said, all of my sisters eloped at least once. In no case did I know much of anything about the family of the spouse. Did these men have siblings? Parents alive? Where were they from? It was like my sisters had married into the Witness Protection Program - like this spouse-person had just turned up one day and married my sister. 

This is what I like about a wedding. It feels less like a stranger has turned up in my life. And I know not all people come from a family you really want to know about so sometimes, I’m sure eloping is much easier than navigating unreliable family members. And I know we don’t necessarily get what we dreamed of for our kids, but if possible, I would be happier if they were marrying people from a stable background. 

In short, I like a wedding. 

So, you get a wedding.  You don't get to decide for anyone else though, even your own kids.  

The cultural divide (huge religious, class and economic) between my family and my husband's family meant that we had to elope to have a stress free memory.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I just realized for the first time that DH and I gave both families the opportunity to wonder what sort of freak their kid might be marrying, from god-knows-what kind of family, due to the speed of our courtship and wedding. That was honestly not on our radar at all, until the actual day, when it did occur to me how bizarre this was for us to meet our in-laws in our wedding clothes. 

On the one hand, I guess we were self-absorbed, but OTOH, neither of us had lived at home for a mighty long time, and we didn't care whether our families would like our SO because they barely liked us, either...

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

The money we gave our girls was for their gift from us for their union and new life as a couple.  Our gift didn't come with strings attached, other than they had to get legally married to get it. If they aren't into weddings, then eloping is fine because it's not about us, it's about them and their union. I had a controlling mother when it came to my wedding.  You do not want people to think of you the way controlling mothers are thought of. 

You can always ask the future in-law about his family.  All the questions asked are how I make chit chat with people I meet, so I don't need a wedding to know any of that.

Okay. Well, I don’t think it is controlling to want a wedding. I wouldn’t make them have a wedding if they didn’t want to. My point was in saying I don’t know how one decides what amount of money to give if one were to give a chunk of money and say, “Here’s your wedding money. Do what you want with it.” 

 

[Katy]

Oh Quill,

My DH would be on the same page as you. Except he'd throw in a lecture that things like weddings and graduations aren't for YOU, they're for all the people that have supported you in your life.  I wanted to elope.  He wanted a wedding.  We had a (smaller than he wanted) wedding. It's years later and I still hear third hand flack for not inviting his entire small town, most of which I still haven't met.

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Jaybee said:

 

I have told my kids that they can elope if they want to, but they have to invite us. 

 

 

That would not be an elopement, lol. 

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

Okay. Well, I don’t think it is controlling to want a wedding. I wouldn’t make them have a wedding if they didn’t want to. My point was in saying I don’t know how one decides what amount of money to give if one were to give a chunk of money and say, “Here’s your wedding money. Do what you want with it.” 

 

We chose the amount based on the maximum we would contribute to a wedding/honeymoon.  If they opted to go for something smaller and less expensive than that amount the rest goes toward the down payment on a house or whatever version of setting up a home would be in their case. For some that's moving into a rental situation. Setting up a house is a much more practical investment of funds anyway.

You had a wedding when you got married right? You got your wedding.  Now they can do what they want which may or may not be having a wedding. As much as you may want a wedding, it's possible they will not want as wedding just as much or even more. When you tie the amount you give them to what you want for their wedding rather than what they want for their wedding, it will most likely be interpreted as being controlling and it will cause resentment. Not worth the damage that does to relationships.   My advice to everyone is weddings are like babies, just like it's wise to not have an opinion about when, where and how many babies other couples have, it's wise to not have opinions about other couples' weddings.  Have your own wedding and your own babies as you like.

When my girls were trying on wedding dresses I only reflected back their feelings about each dress.  "You smiled brightest in that one."  or "You don't seem as pleased with this one, is there something you don't like about it?" Oldest calls me The Wedding Dress Doula. It was the same thing when they were making wedding decisions.  "You seem to be more excited about that option."  "You seem hesitant about that one. Is there something about it that bothers you?"  And mostly, "You should spend you time, money, and energy on the things you care about most. It's your wedding, what do you want to do?"

[J-rap]

I think it's great that there aren't hard and fast social rules anymore for weddings.  My kids are minimalists, and as an extension their closest friends are also, so no one (that they cared about :D) would be disappointed in a simple wedding.  They know that we'd pitch in what we could, but it wouldn't be for an extravagant wedding because that's not who we are.  I think you just do it however it works out.  I've been to really lovely and very small, fairly simple weddings.  My dd had 100 people at hers, with an outdoor ceremony and an indoor area for eating.  They hired the equivalent of a food truck.  Her dress wasn't important to her and she bought one for $100.  Their decorations were minimal, with little lights and flowers.  My son-in-law paid for fireworks because it's a tradition in his country.  That was fun!

My dh and I paid the bulk, but it was probably no more than $3000.  My dd and her dh paid for the flowers (and fireworks).  Dh's family paid for the food.  Everyone contributed.

My other dd was recently at a friend's wedding, and it was picnic style.  They had blankets and picnic tables and served picnic food in big baskets -- one per blanket or table.  The wedding party consisted of just the best man and the maid of honor.

My sister had her wedding in the backyard of my parents' house.  They had chicken salad and champagne after the ceremony.  It was really lovely and fun!  

As far as alcohol -- we decided to have a bottle of wine and a bottle of a non-alcoholic wine-type drink on the center of each table.  That was it.  You could have a cash bar if people wanted more than that.  

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

We chose the amount based on the maximum we would contribute to a wedding/honeymoon.  If they opted to go for something smaller and less expensive than that amount the rest goes toward the down payment on a house or whatever version of setting up a home would be in their case. For some that's moving into a rental situation. Setting up a house is a much more practical investment of funds anyway.

You had a wedding when you got married right? You got your wedding.  Now they can do what they want which may or may not be having a wedding. As much as you may want a wedding, it's possible they will not want as wedding just as much or even more. When you tie the amount you give them to what you want for their wedding rather than what they want for their wedding, it will most likely be interpreted as being controlling and it will cause resentment. Not worth the damage that does to relationships.   My advice to everyone is weddings are like babies, just like it's wise to not have an opinion about when, where and how many babies other couples have, it's wise to not have opinions about other couples' weddings.  Have your own wedding and your own babies as you like.

When my girls were trying on wedding dresses I only reflected back their feelings about each dress.  "You smiled brightest in that one."  or "You don't seem as pleased with this one, is there something you don't like about it?" Oldest calls me The Wedding Dress Doula. It was the same thing when they were making wedding decisions.  "You seem to be more excited about that option."  "You seem hesitant about that one. Is there something about it that bothers you?"  And mostly, "You should spend you time, money, and energy on the things you care about most. It's your wedding, what do you want to do?"

I don’t think you understand my meaning. I’m starting from the point of they do what a wedding. I know I will not be paying for a $25k wedding. Not even a $15k one. But beyond that, it starts to get fuzzy. How low is it reasonable to go? Could we still do a wedding everyone is happy with for $10k? Could we do it for $7k if we make an extra effort? Would it be ridiculous to say $5K? (Some people will read those figures and think they are extravagant, but living here, they are not. The weddings I have attended in the past few years were almost certainly over $15k. One was probably over $25k.) 

Quote

 When you tie the amount you give them to what you want for their wedding rather than what they want for their wedding, it will most likely be interpreted as being controlling and it will cause resentment.

This doesn’t make sense to me except in the case that mom has a big budget and wants a big, hotel, formal wedding but daughter wants a backyard wedding with 30 guests. That is not the scenario I anticipate with my daughter. I’m tying the amount I will spend with what I want because I will need to find less expensive options. It’s the same as when we were choosing a college. Two of the colleges wh really loved were out of state and offering her no scholarships. So those were a no. It killed me to say it, and it could have caused resentment were she prone to thinking that way. But in the end, she ended up embracing the in-state college where she got a scholarship. 

So, basically, I would not want to set up a situation that makes having a wedding so difficult that kid says, “nevermind. Just give me the money.” I don’t think having money I plan to use for a wedding means the kid is entitled to just have that money as a gift, wedding or no. I think it’s great if a family can offer that, but I won’t be. We have so far paid for all my dd’s college, the expenses for the car she drives except gas, her phone, and a portion of the costs for study abroad. I think all of those things are generous and wonderful and more than fulfills what she could have expected. So, no plans for a starter bonus, too. 

But I do agree with everything in your last paragraph. 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Danae said:

 

Offering to pay for a specific thing will only be interpreted as controlling if the parent is in general controlling. When one is offered a gift one doesn't automatically have the right to the cash value of that gift because one would rather spend it on something else.

When I graduated my grandfather wanted to buy me an (expensive) item that he believed I needed for my new career. I considered it something I would need eventually, but it wasn't my top priority right then. There's no way I would have said, "thanks, but could I have the money to spend on something else instead?" Likewise when I got married my MIL told us she would pay for the rehearsal dinner and my parents told me they would pay the first $X of wedding expense. We spent slightly more than that. If we'd spent less they might have offered us the rest as a gift, but I certainly didn't expect it and never would have suggested it. 

Yes, I agree. 

[Carrie12345]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t think you understand my meaning. I’m starting from the point of they do what a wedding. I know I will not be paying for a $25k wedding. Not even a $15k one. But beyond that, it starts to get fuzzy. How low is it reasonable to go? Could we still do a wedding everyone is happy with for $10k? Could we do it for $7k if we make an extra effort? Would it be ridiculous to say $5K? (Some people will read those figures and think they are extravagant, but living here, they are not. The weddings I have attended in the past few years were almost certainly over $15k. One was probably over $25k.) 

 

That really depend on what makes them happy, no?  

I'm doing a Sweet 16 next weekend, prettty much all on my own.  Hired a DJ and cake maker, have a free location. DIY everything. It's going to exceed the $1500 I thought it would.  I probably should have just bought her a starter car.

[Guest]

I like the wine-bottle-on-the-table thing. 

At one wedding I attended, after the meal, while most guests were dancing, servers were circulating through the dance floor with trays of some mixed drink shots (a little bigger than a shot, though). I thought it was a terrible idea. They were spilled numerous times, the people chiefly imbibing should frankly have quit long ago, and it seemed a very unnecessary expense. At one point, the FOTB held up one shot and blearily said, “...and this is costing me three hundred more dollars...” I don’t know if that meant every tray that appeared was anothe $300, or the add-on of, “would you like shots circulated by waiters?” was $300 over the regular bar expense. But, either way. Definitely not something I would pay for. 

I have also been to multiple weddings that had shuttle service to take people back to nearby hotel or, in one case, home. I guess this counts as thoughtful; it’s nice to make sure everyone is safely driven home/to the hotel. But that is another thing I will not pay for. I’m going to assume if my guests want to get drunk, they can plan a designated driver or arrange an Uber or whatever. It’s an issue I expect to have, because the drinkers are family members and will probably find it shocking that I’m not making sure they can drink to excess and then have a driver, too. <roll eyes> I’m no teetotaler, but the weddings have made me realize how little I like excessive drinking. 

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

That really depend on what makes them happy, no?  

I'm doing a Sweet 16 next weekend, prettty much all on my own.  Hired a DJ and cake maker, have a free location. DIY everything. It's going to exceed the $1500 I thought it would.  I probably should have just bought her a starter car.

Yes, but if what would make one happy would be renting out Camden Yards because they’re big baseball fans, that’s gonna be a no, see? So being happy about it is not the sole criterion. 

Cars are a good comparison. A Camero would make my DS happy. But he’s going to have to be happy-ish with a 2000 Ford F150 pickup that dad rehabbed for him. And he is. I guess that is a good example, because we didn’t say, “Here’s $2k for a car. Make that work or buy a bicycle; keep the change.” We just did what we could with what we have. 

[Jaybee]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

 

That would not be an elopement, lol. 

 

I know. But if you want a "let's do it in the pastor's living room," or "let's stand before a judge," type wedding--no frills, cheap and as fuss-less as possible, please allow us to be there with you, then you can run off if you want. Maybe that sounds controlling to some, but we do have good relationships with our kids. It would be dishonest to say I wouldn't be very hurt if they didn't want us to be there at all, even if "it isn't about you, it's about them."

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I tried to bribe DD and DFSIL into eloping. It didn't work. ?

I appreciate all of the responses and suggestions. I feel better about some aspects of the wedding. We're still looking into tablecloths and runners and catering.

One of the things I have to consider is that I have to be at work the day after the wedding. I won't have time to do a lot of clean up, returning items, etc. Paying someone to set up and tear down would be wonderful. It's just not practical. In order to save money, it looks like I'l be spending a lot of time doing the grunt work. This is one of those times being an introvert, with no social circle, no church family, and no extended family really makes me sad and highlights just how pathetic my life really is.

[Faith-manor]

To be honest, most of the true elopements I see are with brides and grooms who have family members who cannot get along, will make everything difficult. While you can control you, you cannot control others, and you really cannot control the other in laws and their relatives. So a lot of times it isn't that they do not want you there, it is that they can't have a wedding and have you without inviting the other "you" who will ruin everything and make people miserable. My niece just went through this a year ago. She did not want a wedding because her mother is a horrible person, her father never stands up to her mother. Her in laws went through the whole "going to be hurt forever if you do not having a wedding we can attend" thing. So she acquiesced. Her mother, my brother, and an aunt committed such shenanigans and arguments, that the in laws actually ended up wishing there had been no wedding, and that they had sent their son and daughter in law to Jamaica to marry on some beach without the family.

It was so scarring of an event that it took six months for the bride and groom to finally even look at photos of the event. They have already started a "run away to get married fund" for their future children. 

You would be surprised just how many couples deal with this kind of insanity from relatives. So you can try to be the kind of parents that your kids really want to come to a wedding, but in the end, you have no control over the other side and their behavior. You also do not know just exactly how far the other may push you which could cause you to regret ever pressuring your kids to have a wedding. Believe your son or daughter when he or she says, "My fiance's parents will make our lives miserable if we have a wedding, and worse if we have one and don't invite them." Get behind them and support them.

That said, no parent should ever feel obligated to pay for weddings, elopements, honeymoons, or receptions. Ever. My advice is make sure you are well funded for retirement first and foremost because this generation has faced inflation, wage stagnation, wage loss, job insecurity, loss of benefits, etc. It is a major, huge burden on them if you cannot take care of yourself financially in your elder years, and speaking as someone whose parents threw money at elaborate weddings - that none of us wanted and got suckered into at their insistence - ridiculously expensive family funerals, vacations they couldn't afford, and a sinking business that should have been closed a decade before but they refused to listen to ALL financial advice no matter where it came from - I now have on my hands a bankrupt, destitute mother who insists on aging in place, needs to replace her vehicle and can't afford it, needs $20,000 of work done on her house, and can't afford her winter heat, all with three boys in college at once. I would give anything to have all that money back and invested for her future in order to relieve our immense stress. So think long and hard about taking money out of savings to pay for weddings. It is pretty much money down a hole in the grand scheme of things which is a pretty astute and brutally honest thing to say as someone who used to do event planning for pay.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Coach, your life is not sad and pathetic. It's just a mismatch for what's being placed on your shoulders. I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope you will take care of yourself. The kids can be told no on some things, and they can be told that they'll have to ask their friends or hire someone. It shouldn't all be on you.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

2 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

Coach, your life is not sad and pathetic. It's just a mismatch for what's being placed on your shoulders. I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope you will take care of yourself. The kids can be told no on some things, and they can be told that they'll have to ask their friends or hire someone. It shouldn't all be on you.

Thank you, Tibbie. 

[catz]

1 hour ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

Coach, your life is not sad and pathetic. It's just a mismatch for what's being placed on your shoulders. I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope you will take care of yourself. The kids can be told no on some things, and they can be told that they'll have to ask their friends or hire someone. It shouldn't all be on you.

Absolutely.  It's not too late to tell those ADULTS that are getting married you will do X and Y that weekend and they need to figure out A through W.   You do not need to take charge or be involved in so many details.  Give them a lump sum for the final details and have them figure it out on their own if you're able or tell them the bank is now tapped.  My parents pretty much just showed up and had fun at my wedding.  The wedding party had the jobs (moving gifts, driving us from the church, etc).  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh I forgot.  At my wedding, a female friend of dh's volunteered to be our wedding coordinator for the day.  It was the best gift EVER.  She ran interference for me with all the people vying for attention and wanting me to solve problems.  And she ran interference with my MIL.  She did it all with a smile on her face.  She kept all the plates spinning.  Lots of people had jobs but she was the one who made sure that their jobs went smoothly and that made it so much less stressful for me. 

[KrissiK]

3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Oh I forgot.  At my wedding, a female friend of dh's volunteered to be our wedding coordinator for the day.  It was the best gift EVER.  She ran interference for me with all the people vying for attention and wanting me to solve problems.  And she ran interference with my MIL.  She did it all with a smile on her face.  She kept all the plates spinning.  Lots of people had jobs but she was the one who made sure that their jobs went smoothly and that made it so much less stressful for me. 

This. I would have never thought of having a personal assistant, but someone along the way recommended it, and hers was the most important job of the day.  It can be a friend or anyone, but it’s just a “be available to take care of anything that needs to be done.” My assistant even took apart coursages and made boutonnières. My grandma (who did made them) got the numbers mixed up, so we had too many coursages and not enough boutonnières. So, my assistant did that. She did all sorts of things I never even knew about. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just want to mention one more thing.  Please make sure that the bride and groom really want you to take on the things that you are putting on your shoulders.  It was my wedding, not my mom's.  I did the arrangements.  I asked people to help.  I was the one that people came to, to volunteer their help.  My parents did offer a set sum of money.  But that didn't mean that they took over the planning etc.  Perhaps it is time to ask them, "Have you thought about who's doing clean up?" and other questions of that sort.  They may have it arranged.  Or they might have felt like they were being pushed out of their own wedding.  Or they might be thoughtlessly thinking that you will do it all and you need to give them a wake up call.  Not in a mean way.  But as someone else pointed out, they are adults. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

11 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I just want to mention one more thing.  Please make sure that the bride and groom really want you to take on the things that you are putting on your shoulders.  It was my wedding, not my mom's.  I did the arrangements.  I asked people to help.  I was the one that people came to, to volunteer their help.  My parents did offer a set sum of money.  But that didn't mean that they took over the planning etc.  Perhaps it is time to ask them, "Have you thought about who's doing clean up?" and other questions of that sort.  They may have it arranged.  Or they might have felt like they were being pushed out of their own wedding.  Or they might be thoughtlessly thinking that you will do it all and you need to give them a wake up call.  Not in a mean way.  But as someone else pointed out, they are adults. 

 

That's a good point! OP might be coming across as Superwoman, especially since they are used to having her help them so much. Maybe it's easy for them to believe that she'll pull it off without actually harming herself or her finances. But if she's starting to drown, here, surely they never intended that, and they might be appalled if they figure it out later. 

[catz]

That is a good point.  Maybe just a friendly reminder don't forget to assign someone to clean up, move gifts, watch drinks, decorate, pick up X.  Maybe encourage your daughter to assign her MOH (or some close friend) to be her go to that day because you'll be overwhelmed.  My brother was my go on my wedding day.  

[goldberry]

20 hours ago, Katy said:

Oh Quill,

My DH would be on the same page as you. Except he'd throw in a lecture that things like weddings and graduations aren't for YOU, they're for all the people that have supported you in your life.  I wanted to elope.  He wanted a wedding.  We had a (smaller than he wanted) wedding. It's years later and I still hear third hand flack for not inviting his entire small town, most of which I still haven't met.

 

I feel a variation of this.  Not that the wedding/graduation is FOR those other people... but what I've told DD is that if you are lucky enough to have people in your life that have shared so much with you, been there every step of the way, that they would be sad to not be part of this next step, then you should celebrate that and be glad.  I am NOT in favor of inviting people the couple barely knows out of obligation or "decorum".  But DD had two sets of family that flew in from out of state for a *graduation party*.  And I made it known to everyone out of state that they were NOT expected to come.  They've just been part of her life and they enjoy being part of it.

DD talked about having a wedding with parents and grandparents only.  I did not say no, and of course I would still help regardless. But it would have made me sad. 

[goldberry]

4 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Oh I forgot.  At my wedding, a female friend of dh's volunteered to be our wedding coordinator for the day.  It was the best gift EVER.  She ran interference for me with all the people vying for attention and wanting me to solve problems.  And she ran interference with my MIL.  She did it all with a smile on her face.  She kept all the plates spinning.  Lots of people had jobs but she was the one who made sure that their jobs went smoothly and that made it so much less stressful for me. 

I have a friend who has volunteered to do this for me. She said she has been part of so many weddings she could do them in her sleep.  I am unbelievably thankful!

[marbel]

23 hours ago, Quill said:

Just for clarity, I wasn’t saying eloping means the family isn’t important to the couple. It was too wordy to say what I meant, which was this: I like a wedding because, at least ideally, the families get to know one another. As I said, all of my sisters eloped at least once. In no case did I know much of anything about the family of the spouse. Did these men have siblings? Parents alive? Where were they from? It was like my sisters had married into the Witness Protection Program - like this spouse-person had just turned up one day and married my sister. 

This is what I like about a wedding. It feels less like a stranger has turned up in my life. And I know not all people come from a family you really want to know about so sometimes, I’m sure eloping is much easier than navigating unreliable family members. And I know we don’t necessarily get what we dreamed of for our kids, but if possible, I would be happier if they were marrying people from a stable background. 

In short, I like a wedding. 

 

I get you.

My wedding was the only time my mother met my in-laws (husband's parents, grandmother, and sister).  They lived on opposite coasts so would never have met if we hadn't had a wedding. My Mom and MIL corresponded a bit after we married which I thought was nice.  My MIL also met my sister and her kids and has seen my sister on a few occasions over the years.  It's nice, having faces and personalities to go with names, to know a little of the family.

And sure, it's not needed.  And for some families, it might not even be appropriate.  But in general, yeah, it's nice when people can know each other.  

I don't know if my daughter will marry her current (first) boyfriend, but I have already met some of his family and I like them.  I've seen a bit of how they live for myself, not just from her telling me.  It makes me feel better knowing what kind of family he has.  

But I can't really say anything about how much to give.  My husband and I were in our 30s, completely independent, had been married before... we paid for our own wedding. My mom bought our cake and my in-laws gave us a "rehearsal" dinner (there was no actual rehearsal). 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, The Accidental Coach said:

New question - the wedding ceremony is at 3:30pm. They are planning on 30-40 mins then bridal party pictures. dinner is anticipated to begin around 5:30. Do we need to have a cocktail hour during pictures (4:10-5:30)? DD has selected a few chilled hors d'oevres for that time (strawberry something or other and a couple of other choices) and will have some games for guests to play during that time. They will also be able to walk around the barn, the tree grove, etc. We'll have lemonade, iced tea, and water available at this time no matter what.

 

That has been typical in my experience. How posh the cocktail hour has varied with the rest of the wedding, but there has always been appetizers and drinks available for that period of time between wedding and reception. In a few cases, there were “stations,” with fruits, cheeses, etc. to self-serve and water, wine, beer, and soda available. The fancier weddings had roving servers with little scallop appetizers, or meatballs. One had an oyster bar. 

One had a giant jenga game and cornhole. Several weddings have had cornhole during cocktail hour. 

[HS Mom in NC]

On 6/1/2018 at 8:32 PM, Danae said:

 

Offering to pay for a specific thing will only be interpreted as controlling if the parent is in general controlling. When one is offered a gift one doesn't automatically have the right to the cash value of that gift because one would rather spend it on something else.

When I graduated my grandfather wanted to buy me an (expensive) item that he believed I needed for my new career. I considered it something I would need eventually, but it wasn't my top priority right then. There's no way I would have said, "thanks, but could I have the money to spend on something else instead?" Likewise when I got married my MIL told us she would pay for the rehearsal dinner and my parents told me they would pay the first $X of wedding expense. We spent slightly more than that. If we'd spent less they might have offered us the rest as a gift, but I certainly didn't expect it and never would have suggested it. 

You misunderstood my point.  The point is not advocating a child take funds specified for mom's dream of her kid's wedding when the kid wants something else.  My point is, a parent should give the funds with the mindset and explicit instructions that the child can use it in "starting a life together" costs.  I really do think it's a controlling attitude to say, "You can have a large sum for a big wedding (unspoken: because that's what I want for you)  but if you would rather have a civil/humble ceremony and save up for a house, you get less (unspoken: because you're choosing a different wedding than I had imagined in my mind.)  I know it's hard to hear, but that really is a manipulative attitude-a very subtle one, but it's still manipulative.

[HS Mom in NC]

On 6/2/2018 at 4:12 AM, Quill said:

I don’t think you understand my meaning. I’m starting from the point of they do what a wedding. I know I will not be paying for a $25k wedding. Not even a $15k one. But beyond that, it starts to get fuzzy. How low is it reasonable to go?

Again, it's what you would be able to afford for a wedding based on your personal budget, not how little money can I give them.

Could we still do a wedding everyone is happy with for $10k?

A wedding isn't about making everyone happy.  I didn't entertain thoughts of making everyone happy because making everyone happy is a mythological ideal that doesn't exist and never has.  IT's about making the couple happy.  It's not about me.  

Could we do it for $7k if we make an extra effort?

Of course, people can have lovely weddings for $7,000 or faaaaar less. But as I said, no wedding will make everyone happy and it's a fool's errand to even try.

Would it be ridiculous to say $5K? (Some people will read those figures and think they are extravagant, but living here, they are not. The weddings I have attended in the past few years were almost certainly over $15k. One was probably over $25k.) 

Seriously, who cares what someone else's wedding cost? Why would anyone even entertain those comparative thoughts?  I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to address the heart of the issue, isn't that adolescent thinking?  Isn't that a middle school/high school mindset?  Mature adults should be making financial decisions based on their personal financial situation without a single thought to how other people spend their money. What you're describing is Keeping Up With The Jonese and no one should do that.

I'm not opposed to people who can afford expensive weddings having them if that's what they truly want.  I expect my oldest will want much more wedding than middle did. Who knows what youngest will want.  I'm OK with that, but it doesn't change my budget.  The budget is math and math doesn't care what I think about it.  My mother was a floral designer and had kids to house, feed, and educate.  I know professional musicians who work weddings and they have bills to pay too.  (I agree not asking for professional services as a gift. The skilled friend who took pictures at daughter's wedding wasn't a professional photographer, he'd just taken a lot of photography classes and he offered to do it. ) 

Living in a particular place doesn't require an expensive wedding.  There are pretty backyards where you live, right? There are churches allow their members to use the facilities where you live, right?  There are state parks that allow weddings, right? I know several people from high cost of living areas who got married in a friend or relative's backyard with a cake and punch reception and a few attendants for very little money. Or they got married at their church and had an h'orderves, (sp?) cake and punch reception in the fellowship hall. Oldest has looked at several state park options in a couple of states that aren't expensive. Wedding dresses can be bought new for a few hundred dollars-the exact same dress you try on a the budget friendly David's Bridal.  Lots of dry cleaners do alterations. None of that is any more difficult than buying more expensive dresses at a shop with alteration staff.

This doesn’t make sense to me except in the case that mom has a big budget and wants a big, hotel, formal wedding but daughter wants a backyard wedding with 30 guests. That is not the scenario I anticipate with my daughter.

I would avoid anticipating what your daughter wants.  Assume nothing.  Consider all possibilities and make the financial decision according to your personal financial situation.

I’m tying the amount I will spend with what I want because I will need to find less expensive options.

How's that? Yes, everyone with limited funds and unwilling to go into debt has to find less expensive options.  We simply gave them what we could afford based on our personal situation and they used that or they used that and contributed their own funds to it.  I don't understand the confusion.  We buy a house within our budget and if we can't afford the COL there, we go where we can afford the COL.   We buy a car within our budget.  We go to school/jobs training within our budget.  We grocery shop within our budget.  It is what it is. They'll have to work within it or contribute to it whether it's $1,000 or $50,000.

It’s the same as when we were choosing a college. Two of the colleges wh really loved were out of state and offering her no scholarships. So those were a no. It killed me to say it, and it could have caused resentment were she prone to thinking that way. But in the end, she ended up embracing the in-state college where she got a scholarship. 

So you give her the funds and she works within that and if she wants more she coughs up the extra funds herself whatever the amount is.  We all have to live within our limits-that's not life being mean to us, it's just reality.  I'm not trying to shelter my kids from that.  Neither will I apologize for it.  "Oh well, that's out of my price range." is something my kids hear me say and act on all the time.

So, basically, I would not want to set up a situation that makes having a wedding so difficult that kid says, “nevermind. Just give me the money.”

That's just an odd way of looking at budgeting to me.  There's nothing difficult about having a cake and punch wedding with a few attendants and a larger number of guests in the early afternoon-those are actually much easier weddings.  If you mean invitees' snobby attitudes about weddings asstatus symbols, well, you can't change other people.  You just have to get comfortable enough in your own skin to make your decisions for yourself and know haters gonna hate. That's not your problem to solve. Homeschoolers are used to it.  Yeah, lots of  friends and family don't approve of homeschooling.  Shrug.  We homeschool anyway.

Is that why you think people opt out of having a wedding and using the funds for down payment on a house? It's because they value investing in practical things like a home with long term value over frivolous things that only have a little value and short term value at that like flowers, buying a really expensive dress you wear once, having an expensive sit down meal, paying for alcohol when other drinks are just as good, paying for a DJ when you can just create your own music list on your own device, buying favors that everyone will throw away and put in a landfill, etc. 

And some people just aren't into ceremony and pomp and traditions for their own sake.  If it doesn't resonate with them they spend their time, money, and energy on other things that do. 

I don’t think having money I plan to use for a wedding means the kid is entitled to just have that money as a gift, wedding or no. I think it’s great if a family can offer that, but I won’t be. We have so far paid for all my dd’s college, the expenses for the car she drives except gas, her phone, and a portion of the costs for study abroad. I think all of those things are generous and wonderful and more than fulfills what she could have expected. So, no plans for a starter bonus, too. 

Yes, you can do with your funds as you see fit, and no I don't think a child is entitled to take money specified for a wedding and use it on other things.  I think a truly generous attitude toward our children is for the parent to recognize that our children are individuals who might have very different ideas about what's worth spending time, energy, and money on and tell the child to decide how those finances are to be used when they get legally married.  I honestly do believe money with strings is subtle manipulation on a parent's part. I don't think of a wedding as The Thing.  I think of marriage (union and life together) as The Thing.  So those funds go to the marriage, not just the wedding.

But I do agree with everything in your last paragraph. 

 

[Guest]

39 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You misunderstood my point.  The point is not advocating a child take funds specified for mom's dream of her kid's wedding when the kid wants something else.  My point is, a parent should give the funds with the mindset and explicit instructions that the child can use it in "starting a life together" costs.  I really do think it's a controlling attitude to say, "You can have a large sum for a big wedding (unspoken: because that's what I want for you)  but if you would rather have a civil/humble ceremony and save up for a house, you get less (unspoken: because you're choosing a different wedding than I had imagined in my mind.)  I know it's hard to hear, but that really is a manipulative attitude-a very subtle one, but it's still manipulative.

I don’t think that is necessarily true. It could just as easily be seen as manipulative in the opposite direction. Suppose parent could afford to give $15k for life-starting money, but thinks spending money on weddings is a foolish waste. So then the manipulative hidden agenda is, “Well, if you do the smart thing and use this money for a house downpayment and not waste it on a wedding, you will be in a better position.” 

I think when it comes time for my child to get married, we will just figure it out as we go. There was actually a time when I had a notion that I was saving money to give to my kids upon adulthood, to be used for any reasonable life plan: college, buy a house or land, start a business, or maybe some type of investment. But as my first child approached 18, I realized it was not going to be used this way at all. For one thing, accummulating that money was a lot harder than I realized it would be, thank you Great Recession in particular. For two, although it was not chump change, it was only about a year and a half worth of college tuition. I did come to realize that I eould not be equally sanguine with all uses for that money. I could also see how one of my younger children would most likely be discouraged from attending college if the money comes regardless of intended use. 

For us, what has seemed to work better is this general attitude: If you go to college, we will do our best to pay for you to go, though this does not mean any college you want. If you get married (daughter only), we will do our best to pay for a nice wedding, though this does not mean any kind of wedding you want. If you get your driver’s license, we will do our best to provide a car you can use until you graduate from college, though it may not be the car you wish you had. If you want to travel for educational purposes, we will do our best to work with the options available, but this does not mean you get an expenses-paid trip wherever you like for as long as you wish. 

[Guest]

@Homeschool Mom in AZ, I cannot seem to quote the whole post; maybe it is too long, but I will try to answer in sections. 

Quote

. How low is it reasonable to go?

Again, it's what you would be able to afford for a wedding based on your personal budget, not how little money can I give them.

Could we still do a wedding everyone is happy with for $10k?

A wedding isn't about making everyone happy.  I didn't entertain thoughts of making everyone happy because making everyone happy is a mythological ideal that doesn't exist and never has.  IT's about making the couple happy.  It's not about me.   

Could we do it for $7k if we make an extra effort?

Of course, people can have lovely weddings for $7,000 or faaaaar less. But as I said, no wedding will make everyone happy and it's a fool's errand to even try. 

Would it be ridiculous to say $5K? (Some people will read those figures and think they are extravagant, but living here, they are not. The weddings I have attended in the past few years were almost certainly over $15k. One was probably over $25k.) 

Seriously, who cares what someone else's wedding cost? Why would anyone even entertain those comparative thoughts?  I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to address the heart of the issue, isn't that adolescent thinking?  Isn't that a middle school/high school mindset?  Mature adults should be making financial decisions based on their personal financial situation without a single thought to how other people spend theirmoney. What you're describing is Keeping Up With The Jonese and

So much to unpack here. First, my budget. That nebulous Thing. I have money that could be spent on a wedding. Or it could be spent on something else. Ideally, I prefer that it is less and not a lot. I don’t personally care about having a big, posh bash. I do not think my DD cares about that, either. But somewhere between paying for a marriage license in front of the Justice of the Peace and having a wedding at a spectacular venue with tuxedoed servers is a wedding idea that will work for us. I do not have a figurative or literal envelope with Wedding Money written on it. 

Re: “everybody happy.” I don’t mean everybody in the world, or even everybody amongst our friends and family. There are a few people who will doubtlessly be on the guest list who probably will not be happy about something. I’m not concerned about that. By “everybody happy,” I mean chiefly me, DH, my child, my future SIL, and that person’s parents. By “happy,” I mean everyone is satisfied with the plans; there isn’t some huge disconnect between the expectations of the couple and the parents financing and helping to put on the wedding. If I didn’t give a fig about anyone being happy, I wouldn’t offer to finance or in any way have anything to do with a wedding at all. 

Your last paragraph here: I don’t care what someone else’s wedding costs, but it’s handy to have some idea of what one can do for what amount. Why would that be anything but prudent? Every wedding is going to cost something. It’s not Keeping Up With The Joneses unless one’s thoughht is, “Well, this wedding has to be better than Cousin Jane’s and they spent $25k.” That is exactly the game I said I do not play. But it would be really foolish to have no idea what things cost and just say, “okay, here’s a thousand dollars. Work it out.” 

Sorry to keep using the example of college costs, but it is a good one. One can go to a very expensive college or one can spend much less, but only in certain cases is it free. Between community college and cheapest public in-state and sending them to Johns Hopkins at full tuition, we have to hit upon something workable. But it helps to know what other people spend to make these various options materialize, so one can get a plan together. 

Posting now and addressing the rest in a different post.