Type B People: Help Me Understand

[rainbowmama]

I am a Type A person: I like schedules. I like plans. My spouse is not. Two of my brothers-in-law are in town this week. One of them may have some performance that my spouse would like to attend, but my spouse does not know where or when. I asked my husband when he wanted to invite his other brother over to our home, and after talking to his brother, my spouse and he only decided on Saturday. When on Saturday? He doesn't know. I get so, so anxious about my schedule being up in the air like this. Do I need to make enough food for my brother-in-law and his wife for dinner? Should I buy extra tickets for the activity we have planned mid-day or see if I can get those tickets refunded? No clue. My need to have everything planned annoys my spouse, and I'd love to learn how to be more laid-back. So, if you are a laid-back person who would make plans like, "See you on Saturday!" without a specified time, how do you manage the rest of your day?

[Melinda in VT]

Well, I tend to be more Type A, but to answer your specific questions, I'd plan to cook for two extra people, in case it works out that way, but also be prepared to go out to dinner if that's the way the day unfolds.

 

I'd not get tickets for the mid-day event, but I'd be prepared for your husband's ticket to go unused if he decides to stay home to wait for his brother. You and the kids should plan on going (and if your BIL and SIL are there when you need to leave, maybe SIL can use your husband's ticket and the two brothers can hang out while the rest of you are gone.

[KungFuPanda]

Go to the show with the kids but don’t 100% expect DH or cancel the tickets and skip it entirely. You could tell your husband that you have plans from noon to three and to schedule his brother after that. These all work. Make a meal that can be done ahead, cooked any time, and leftovers frozen if it’s just your family . . . something like lasagna. Or plan to order Chinese.

 

Get a good book, relax, and enjoy the flow of your day. Nothing is certain but change, so having an over riding urge to control every minute is a bit futile. A schedule should serve you, not imprison you to the point where you can’t function on the occasional day when exact times aren’t set in stone. Self discipline is good to a point, but adaptability is just as important and most people have to put more work into one of these things.

[Peaceseeker]

I would just make sure the house was clean on Saturday and plan for a larger than normal meal just in case. If they don't stay for dinner you don't have to cook Sunday since you will have plenty of leftovers. If there was something pressing I wanted or needed to do Saturday I would tell my dh it wasn't a good day for me but he could go ahead and meet up without me. If he really wants me there and this is a family activity he can kindly firm up a date and time that works for everyone. You don't have to be on standby all week.

 

I would let your husband worry about the show and buying tickets. If he doesn't like to make plans just tell him you may or may not be able to make it so he should check with you before buying.

 

Basically if nothing is firm then nothing is firm. I feel free to go on and make other plans or for plans to change. If it works out to meet up, great. If not I don't worry about it since nothing was firm. If these are his relationships to maintain I would just let him deal with it. If you like plans continue to make your own plans and then feel free to tell him you can't do something he wants at the last minute as you already have plans. He will learn to firm things up with you if that happens a few times and he wants you there.

 

I am a very laid back and go with the flow person. I have friends that have every minute scheduled out. I know if I want to see them, I need to get on their books so to speak. Other friends we can just put the idea of a possible meet up out there and we touch base that day to see if we still feel like hanging out.

Edited December 28, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Lawana]

I am not an A Type person, but am so not laid back about schedules and what is expected of me. Maybe something like send a group text to dh, BIL, SIL, outlining your schedule for the day and directly invite them to dinner? In other words, take charge of your own schedule.

[Sandwalker]

I'd make a big pot of chili,some cornbread and a nice green salad. They can be eaten at any time and on staggered schedules. Tell husband that he needs to get the tickets.

 

-I'm a Type B, so I'd be fine with this

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

Having that much of a mismatch in personalities can be really hard on everyone.  To survive I agree with others, make your plans the way you think things will go but accept that your DH may change things out.  Do what you need to do and let him do what he needs to do as best you can.  Try not to stress about his plans and choices.  Easier said than done I know.

 

I tend to be both a planner and a go with the flow person but I really, really like having at least a framework for my day.  DH is pretty much a go with the flow person.  He HATES having to decide anything too far in advance, he HATES someone trying to nail him down on a decision, he HATES having a set schedule, etc.  His family is the same.  It took years for me to adapt.  It also helped when I stopped going through DH for planning purposes.

 

Example of how I handle Christmas Eve, for instance.  Normally the event is at MILs house every year.  While this part is normal and expected nothing else used to be.  It is a buffet style pot luck with MIL usually providing the main course and a couple of speciality items.  Everyone else, all of DH's siblings and their families, kind of randomly brought whatever and showed up whenever and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.  There was a lot of frustration involved, with several people wishing everyone else would communicate better but no one actually doing anything about it.  MIL was also frustrated but just is not good at planning and organizing.  I started asking MIL what time she preferred everyone to start arriving.  I then talked to each person individually, asking what they would like to bring, if anything.  I didn't dictate a menu, I just asked what they wanted to bring.  I made a master list.  I emailed everyone directly with what time MIL had stated to start arriving and what individuals had said they would bring.  This allowed everyone to sync up a bit better,figure out where there might be some gaps in food needs, and got everyone mostly arriving near the same time.  It also worked much more effectively than going through DH because DH is useless for this type of thing. I then did what I needed to do to get the family there when MIL had wanted, and with the food we had said we would bring.  If no one else showed up on time or with the food they agreed to, at least my family did what we needed to.  

 

FWIW, I came to find out later that DH and most of his family really only do well focusing on the NOW.  If it is NOT NOW then it just has little relevance in the way their brain functions.  This is a neurological thing, not a character thing.  It allows them to do well in the moment, quickly thinking through the unexpected and dealing with it, going with the flow as needed.  It does mean, however, that things get missed because they cannot plan ahead well.  I think we need both types of brains.  It does mean there can be some really uncomfortable disconnects, though.

 

I appreciate you asking questions about how to handle this and being proactive in making the situation work better for both of you.  Kuddos and best wishes.  Good luck.

Edited December 28, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[rainbowmama]

I would just make sure the house was clean on Saturday 

 

This is definitely one of the aspects that stresses me out about not having a time. I have a lot of young kids and a small house. If they show up first thing in the morning, yeah, my house will be tidy. If they show up in the evening, though, I need some time to put the house back together before they arrive. They don't have kids, and I honestly think the chaos of my largish family kind of stresses them out in the best of times.

[rainbowmama]

The great thing about type b husbands (at least mine) seem to be they don’t get in a fit if things have to shift and they don’t have problems telling their friends and/or family- oops, I didn’t realize XYZ, need to cancel. Now if he did get bent out of shape like that, I’d have a bigger problem with the play it by ear thing. But I try to embrace the whole, “he took charge of this so let him take care of it†mindset and just roll as much as possible unless something major is required of me. (Like Thanksgiving dinner or something). I try to be happy it’s somethjng he’s dealing with and it’s not on me. But just a weekend? I’d say whatever and stick to my plans. He can deal with fitting whatever he’s cooked up around it, and since you’re dealing with his brother, I would doubt brother would get bent out of shape with you if things didn’t pan out.

 

We originally talked about his brother coming over on a different day, when the baby and I had other plans, but my spouse decided against it, because he wants his brother to meet the baby. I'm not ready to leave the baby, so I feel a lot of pressure to make sure the baby and I are around whenever his brother shows up.

[Familia]

I'm here to offer my sympathy only -- I apologize for not helping you find a solution, but this thread is stressing me out LOL...I guess I am a Type-A and didn't realize, because just knowing you don't know is stressful!

:grouphug:

Edited December 28, 2017 by secretgarden

[wintermom]

My husband and his brother would be exactly like this. Here is what I do: I let my husband know what MY plan is for that day, then I do my thing. I let him and his brother do their thing. Dh will know when to expect me home and he will deal. I would tidy the house and have some munchies around, but other than that I would just let them visit as they wished and pop it to visit when I was around. 

[Melinda in VT]

We originally talked about his brother coming over on a different day, when the baby and I had other plans, but my spouse decided against it, because he wants his brother to meet the baby. I'm not ready to leave the baby, so I feel a lot of pressure to make sure the baby and I are around whenever his brother shows up.

I have found one of the key things for me is to learn not to feel pressured--because usually I am the only one putting the pressure on me.

 

You might want to mention to your husband when you and the baby will be at the other event. And then let go of the pressure. If it's important to him, he'll make it work.

 

Likewise with the house. Your husband can tidy too, right?

[Angie in VA]

The thing about the tickets would bother me the most. How many do you need? Is the event sold out? One of his brothers is performing at this event, right? I would think both brothers would want to go, and then wives and maybe children (if old enough).

 

Many questions! The food thing is the easiest. Make a lot, save the extra if you go out or don't need it, but that event...yeah, that'd bug me.

[Alice]

I am a Type A person: I like schedules. I like plans. My spouse is not. Two of my brothers-in-law are in town this week. One of them may have some performance that my spouse would like to attend, but my spouse does not know where or when. I asked my husband when he wanted to invite his other brother over to our home, and after talking to his brother, my spouse and he only decided on Saturday. When on Saturday? He doesn't know. I get so, so anxious about my schedule being up in the air like this. Do I need to make enough food for my brother-in-law and his wife for dinner? Should I buy extra tickets for the activity we have planned mid-day or see if I can get those tickets refunded? No clue. My need to have everything planned annoys my spouse, and I'd love to learn how to be more laid-back. So, if you are a laid-back person who would make plans like, "See you on Saturday!" without a specified time, how do you manage the rest of your day?

 

 

This would drive me crazy. I’m not sure it’s Type A or it’s “J vs. P†in the Myers Briggs thing. Regardless, it would make me nuts. My husband is also a planner so this doens’t come up much for us but we both have extended family members who are very much like this. I’ve learned to just go ahead and plan my day and not worry about what they are doing. If it doesn’t work out with what I’m doing, that’s not my fault. 

 

In this situation I would...

-Tell dh “Remember, we are going to ....from 12-3. If Joe wants to see baby then he shouldn’t come then.†And then I’d just go without dh if brother ends up coming then. 

-Ask dh “What are you going to do for dinner for your brother?†

[rainbowmama]

The thing about the tickets would bother me the most. How many do you need? Is the event sold out? One of his brothers is performing at this event, right? I would think both brothers would want to go, and then wives and maybe children (if old enough).

 

Many questions! The food thing is the easiest. Make a lot, save the extra if you go out or don't need it, but that event...yeah, that'd bug me.

 

No, this event is an event I bought tickets for a long time ago. His brother we do not have plans with is performing at some event at some time somewhere in the next week  and we don't know when, but... my spouse wants to go and possibly wants to bring some of the kids if it's appropriate for the kids, but then again, he doesn't know... but because of the kind of event it is, I suspect it's on a weekend, so potentially this could happen on the same day. I have no idea if the event I already have tickets for is sold out, but I know it's extremely popular. 

 

Really, the food stresses me out, because if it's just the kids and me, I'd probably make easy kid fare. I wish I had adventurous eaters, but realistically, if my husband isn't around, we'll do something like chicken nuggets, sweet potato fries, and a green salad. Several of my kids won't eat stuff like lasagna or chili, and I don't like to serve adult guests kid fare.

[Angie in VA]

No, this event is an event I bought tickets for a long time ago. His brother we do not have plans with is performing at some event at some time somewhere in the next week  and we don't know when, but... my spouse wants to go and possibly wants to bring some of the kids if it's appropriate for the kids, but then again, he doesn't know... but because of the kind of event it is, I suspect it's on a weekend, so potentially this could happen on the same day. I have no idea if the event I already have tickets for is sold out, but I know it's extremely popular. 

 

Really, the food stresses me out, because if it's just the kids and me, I'd probably make easy kid fare. I wish I had adventurous eaters, but realistically, if my husband isn't around, we'll do something like chicken nuggets, sweet potato fries, and a green salad. Several of my kids won't eat stuff like lasagna or chili, and I don't like to serve adult guests kid fare.

 

Gotcha. 

 

Sorry you're having to deal w/ so many unknowns. I'm not quite type A (no matter what I've been called, lol), but I'd be very frustrated by all those unknowns. 

[bolt.]

So, if you are a laid-back person who would make plans like, "See you on Saturday!" without a specified time, how do you manage the rest of your day?

I'm some sort of a hybrid.

 

I would start with not getting too emotionally invested in how great of a time the plausible guest would have. (This would take some effort.) I'd plan a normal day that would work well with the people I knew would be present, plus some general ideas of what might need to happen if the guests came 'here' or 'there'.

 

If they might turn up before a ticketed event, I'd think, "I'll see if I can get tickets at that point, but if I can't, no biggie. They'll do something else during the event, and we'll socialize once it's over. Maybe DH will skip the event to hang with the guest. That would be a waste, but sometimes people are worth waste -- and since that wouldn't be my call (his ticket, his guests, his call) I'm not going to bother my pretty little head about it."

 

If they might turn up for a meal I'd say, "For my family I'm planning xyz. With some extra (rice, bread, soup, salad, stuff on hand) that will cover extra mouths. Maybe I'll pick up abc as an add-on, and prep it if they come, but have it tomorrow if they don't. Nobody expects a 'company meal' if they don't give wanting. An 'extra mouths' meal will do just fine."

 

I guess it's a little bit about prepping scenarios in a very minor way, and a little bit about not caring as much as I normally would as a host.

 

If they are 'whatever works, however it works out' people, why should I stress beyond providing something that 'works'?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but that would put me in a bad mood. 

 

It's the sort of thing someone says when they wont be the one lifting a finger to entertain. 

 

 

[Melinda in VT]

With regards to food, I do think it helps to have one or two meals in your rotation that can flex for both kids and company.

 

For my picky eater, that means he has tacos with just meat and cheese, and we have taco salads. Or he has a bean and cheese chimichanga and we have chicken chimichangas. Or we make bacon macaroni and cheese, which he will eat, but feels grownup enough for guests if paired with salad, etc.

 

The details will be different for your specific tastes, but you get the idea.

[Arctic Bunny]

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but that would put me in a bad mood.

 

It's the sort of thing someone says when they wont be the one lifting a finger to entertain.

This.

 

I would keep the sweet potato fries and salad for supper and maybe take you chicken breasts or something that you can grill if they come or have Sunday if they don’t. Kids can have chicken nuggets either way.

 

I would honestly be calling/texting SIL and seeing what her plans are for Saturday, letting her know you’ll be at the event from x:xx to x:xx and ask her if she’d like to come. My DH does this whole thing where both men have to check with their wives, so they don’t make firm plans, yada yada, so he just tells them that I will text their wife. I do, we make plans, done.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm like your dh and my dh is like you. He gets so stressed without a schedule, and I get stressed with a schedule. 

 

If you could at least get him to have a time range that would be good. Not an all day range, but knowing if it will be over a meal time. If you can't then maybe do easy food. Sandwiches, veggies and dip, crackers, meat and cheese, little smokies (because I love little smokies and this is a great excuse to have them). 

 

Can you feed the kids a separate meal? Feed kids at 11am then wait for a later lunch hour. If bil doesn't show for lunch then do the same at dinner? 

 

I would be fine doing this for one day, not several. 

 

Kelly

[wintermom]

 

Really, the food stresses me out, because if it's just the kids and me, I'd probably make easy kid fare. I wish I had adventurous eaters, but realistically, if my husband isn't around, we'll do something like chicken nuggets, sweet potato fries, and a green salad. Several of my kids won't eat stuff like lasagna or chili, and I don't like to serve adult guests kid fare.

 

Just make easy kid fare. Your dh and his brother are grown men. If the chicken nuggets aren't enough for them, they can figure out how to get more food. You don't have to mother them. 

 

Just relax and enjoy the visit. I'm sure he's not coming to inspect your house and meal planning. 

[poppy]

I don't see this as a type a / type b thing, but more a struggle over control.   You want control.  He has control and isn't doing it the way you would do it.  I'd just say "OK hope you guys have fun" and leave it at that.  They are both grown adults, they can figure it out. 

[fraidycat]

I used to stress myself out, trying to plan around DH’s schedule or even get a schedule out of him to plan around.

 

Now, I plan for myself and the kids and tell DH what we’re doing. If he can join, he joins. If he can’t, we do our thing and tell him about it later.

 

For meals, I would have extra food in case it’s needed and a plan to use it up early in the week if not. Kids get chicken nuggets, adults get chicken breasts or thighs. Sides like rice or pasta and salads can flex to be kid or adult food.

[8circles]

I don't see this as a type a / type b thing, but more a struggle over control.   You want control.  He has control and isn't doing it the way you would do it.  I'd just say "OK hope you guys have fun" and leave it at that.  They are both grown adults, they can figure it out. 

 

This is how I'm seeing it, too. 

 

The thing that would bug me would be the possibility of wasting tickets to something. That is something I cannot abide - emergencies aside.

[eternalsummer]

Yes, as a Type B person (largely speaking) I just don't worry that much about other people's plans.  If I have plans, I've informed whoever needs to be informed of that they are, so they know (in this situation) they'd need to either get tickets for the event or not go with us or ask me to reschedule or whatever.  It's not up to me, though - that's their business.  

 

Similarly, with food, I know what I've got on hand.  If someone tells me, I'll be there Friday at 5, then I know to have an extra loaf of bread or an extra half a salad.  If DH says, hey, so-and-so is coming over sometime in the next couple of weeks, I figure if he wants so-and-so fed specifically, he'll say on that day, hey, make extra dinner - and if he doesn't care if they are fed, or if they're going out, or whatever, I never need to hear or worry about it.  I don't change what I'm making to suit guests unless there's a party or some sort of a food restriction, so that's a non-issue.  

 

I just don't even think about these things. 

[sassenach]

Type B here. Not sure if I totally understand the logistics that you are worried about.

 

It sounds like you have tickets to something. You should plan on doing that. Don’t plan on them joining with you. When you get about an hour before dinner, check in with your dh to see where he is and if they’ll be home. If they’ll all be there for dinner, have them pick something up on their way home. If not, just make dinner for you and the kids as planned.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Sassenach

[sassenach]

This is definitely one of the aspects that stresses me out about not having a time. I have a lot of young kids and a small house. If they show up first thing in the morning, yeah, my house will be tidy. If they show up in the evening, though, I need some time to put the house back together before they arrive. They don't have kids, and I honestly think the chaos of my largish family kind of stresses them out in the best of times.

Don’t worry about the house. Seriously. It is what it is.

[sassenach]

We originally talked about his brother coming over on a different day, when the baby and I had other plans, but my spouse decided against it, because he wants his brother to meet the baby. I'm not ready to leave the baby, so I feel a lot of pressure to make sure the baby and I are around whenever his brother shows up.

Tell him what hours you’ll be home.

[kitten18]

No, this event is an event I bought tickets for a long time ago. His brother we do not have plans with is performing at some event at some time somewhere in the next week and we don't know when, but... my spouse wants to go and possibly wants to bring some of the kids if it's appropriate for the kids, but then again, he doesn't know... but because of the kind of event it is, I suspect it's on a weekend, so potentially this could happen on the same day. I have no idea if the event I already have tickets for is sold out, but I know it's extremely popular.

 

Really, the food stresses me out, because if it's just the kids and me, I'd probably make easy kid fare. I wish I had adventurous eaters, but realistically, if my husband isn't around, we'll do something like chicken nuggets, sweet potato fries, and a green salad. Several of my kids won't eat stuff like lasagna or chili, and I don't like to serve adult guests kid fare.

For the food. I would make something for the adults like the chili and cornbread that the adults can eat (can be frozen later if not eaten) and I would pre cook the chicken nuggets for the kids and heat them up in the microwave.

[sassenach]

After reading through the rest of your posts, I think I have a better idea of the situation. Here’s what I would do.

 

Tell dh the hours you’ll be gone. Plan to either have dh figure out/pick up dinner, or just plan on a simple dinner +2. Clean the bathrooms, relax about the rest. Go about your day.

[Scarlett]

That drives me nuts. I can only do hospitality in my home with some notice. Any time is fine, JUST TELL ME THE DAMN TIME!

Amen.

[Garga]

I don't see this as a type a / type b thing, but more a struggle over control.   You want control.  He has control and isn't doing it the way you would do it.  I'd just say "OK hope you guys have fun" and leave it at that.  They are both grown adults, they can figure it out.

 

This thread is stressing me out, too.

 

I guess it’s about control, but also about expectations.

 

A lot of type B responders are saying to let DH handle it. If the OP usually handles the cleaning and cooking, then she’ll need to let Dh know he’s in charge of that, because it sounds like he wants to go with the flow, but isn’t going to prepare the house or food for the guests. If his expectation is that his wife will get the house and food ready for the guests, then of course the OP wants to know the time they’re coming. The expectation is that she’ll prepare for guests.

 

A lot of type B people are saying that the OP should do her own thing and let her DH figure it all out. That’s so strange to me. It sounded like DH was going to hang with the family at the event that they have tickets for, but now he’s ditching them? So, the OP’ll have to go to the event with the kids alone? That’s crummy.

 

OP, I would be pretty upset that I thought I’d have family time with DH and he’s ditching me...maybe. He doesn’t know because he doesn’t know when his brother will show up. And I’d be pretty upset if my DH made plans and expected me to clean and cook for his guests, but you don’t know when they’re coming and if they’ll eat. So, now you have to come up with 2 receipes and head to the store for the ingredients and be home at the proper time to make them.

 

URGH. Type B people, frankly, sound really rude if they expect all that.

 

The key is probably that they don’t expect it.

 

OP. If I was you, I’d say to DH, “I think it’s crummy that you don’t know if you’ll be able to come to the event with me. If you end up cancelling on me last minute, I will feel sad. Just sayin’. And I am not going to clean and cook for people when I don’t know when they’ll be here. The house will be a disaster in the evening, right when I’d have to cook. So, you clean and you figure out dinner. No anger about it, but it’s on you. I’ll help, but you need to direct. If you want to order pizza and sit in a dirty house with the guests, I’m good with that. Your call.†I would be direct and not manipulative. Because most likely, he’ll be happy to sit in the dirty hosue and eat pizza and I’d be ok with it since it would be his call and I’d be off the hook for the work.

 

But if he expects you to clean and cook for them, then that would be a different story and this thread would have to go in another direction.

[PeacefulChaos]

I am sorry and I'm not trying to hijack here but I just have to know...

 

What are Type A people?   Type B people?  

 

 

 

[Supertechmom]

I have a type b husband. Im type a to the max.... and after a few times of waiting and waiting and waiting for unplanned things.....ya know can't eat because the event might include food, can't do our schedule thing because they might arrive....i finally just started telling him....I must know now. Make the phone call, send the text, find out a time, an arrival, and plans..... I have 4 kids with schedules. Find out now or you will be fully responsible for everything related to your event and we will follow our schedule as we will not interrupt our plans for iffy plans.

 

He finally gets it now. We have to have plans. I started a Google calendar and everyone's schedule is color coded on it. That helped him realize I'm not just anal type a stressing over a time. I really do have two kids over here and one over there and work in dinner as well. It does require coordination.

[OneStepAtATime]

I am sorry and I'm not trying to hijack here but I just have to know...

 

What are Type A people?   Type B people?  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_and_Type_B_personality_theory

[hopskipjump]

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but that would put me in a bad mood. 

 

It's the sort of thing someone says when they wont be the one lifting a finger to entertain. 

 

:iagree:

[SquirrellyMama]

 

URGH. Type B people, frankly, sound really rude if they expect all that.

 

The key is probably that they don’t expect it.

 

 

For me, I don't care if someone's house is clean. I don't care if people come over unannounced and my house isn't clean. If they care that my house is a mess they can leave, and never come back.

 

Whatever can be put together for food would be fine also. Steak, good, Chicken nuggets, good. Pizza rolls, good, Crackers and cheese, good. 

 

I'm a whatever kind of person. My dh schedules everything, including reading a book. And, goofing off! I don't get that at all.

 

Kelly

[marbel]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I know I'm echoing others...

 

Remind your husband about the thing you have tickets for, how many tickets there are and how many people plan on going.  So, if it's your whole family including husband, ask him "do you still want to go, or do you want to hang out here with your brother?"  Or, if everyone is going and you can't manage the kids at the event without him, tell him that you need him there or you have to cancel and ask what he wants to do.  If it's something you and/or the kids really want to go to, tell him he has to tell his brothers that you won't be available during the time period required for the thing.

 

For food - as someone said, make chili.  Or have some take and bake pizza in the fridge, or some frozen.  A bag of salad, some form of chips/dip.  That's all. Don't worry about food.

 

My husband tends to be more loose about schedules.  We sometimes have an outing planned and he won't want to set a time. Then, suddenly he'll say "how about we go in 15 minutes?" but no one else can be ready that quickly because we had no idea when he wanted to go.  Finally I have convinced him that we need to set a target time the night before, so people know when to get up, have breakfast, etc.  He's not exactly type B and I'm not exactly type A, but we do have disconnects.  

 

 

Edited December 29, 2017 by marbel

[Garga]

The type B way just seems like a lot more work in the end. A lot of scrambling around at the last minute. A lot of buying a few options for dinner and then figuring out which one to use. A lot of if, then statements. Why not just say, “Event at noon. Dinner of lasagna at 4.†Done. Not, “Event at noon...or not at all...or DH’s ticket is given to someone else...or dinner is Chinese...or lasagna...or nuggets.†Argh!

 

Making a simple plan is much less stressful (to me) than having to come up with 6 random options on the fly. Because that’s what’s been suggested on the thread—to be “flexible†and be ready to do any of a number of options at the last minute. With kids. Nuggets, a full meal, going out to eat, eating take out at home, going to the event with DH, going to the event without DH, cancelling the event, giving DH’s ticket to someone else. Eight options. Seems like a lot more physical work and more mental work than just finding out when Brother will arrive and making one plan around that.

[poppy]

OP. If I was you, I’d say to DH, “I think it’s crummy that you don’t know if you’ll be able to come to the event with me. If you end up cancelling on me last minute, I will feel sad. Just sayin’. And I am not going to clean and cook for people when I don’t know when they’ll be here. The house will be a disaster in the evening, right when I’d have to cook. So, you clean and you figure out dinner. No anger about it, but it’s on you. I’ll help, but you need to direct. If you want to order pizza and sit in a dirty house with the guests, I’m good with that. Your call.†I would be direct and not manipulative. Because most likely, he’ll be happy to sit in the dirty hosue and eat pizza and I’d be ok with it since it would be his call and I’d be off the hook for the work.

 

 

I'm gonna guess Type A (in this theory of Type A) cooks and cleans and sets family schedule not because of Type B's demand and expectations, but because Type B wouldn't do it the way Type A wants. 

 

To me this sounds like "I usually cook and clean and set the schedule to my preference, and it sucks that you  want to have a  guest over and not do everything around my preferences!"    .  It's not about giving the husband and guest a great experience---  its' about lessening the "type A's" anxiety.  To me it's  a very self centered way POV.

Edited December 29, 2017 by poppy

[marbel]

The type B way just seems like a lot more work in the end. 

 

<snip>

 

It doesn't really have to be that way.  In the OP's situation, if it weren't for the timed event with tickets, it could be fine.  

 

"My brothers are coming over sometime today.  I don't know when."  

 

"OK, I'll make some chili and cornbread, and we can heat that up whenever we're ready to eat. If the kids get hungry before then, I've got something to tide them over.   I'll need you to help me keep the living room tidy so it's not a mess when they arrive." 

 

"OK, sounds good. But don't worry about doing a lot of cleaning; they don't care.  Now if my mother was coming over..."

[SKL]

I think I'd just call the brother and ask about what time you should expect him.  Or plan your day and let the brothers know what hours you are going to be absent from the house.  Knowing company is coming, you clean your house and be presentable by morning, and for the rest of the day, plan some tasks around the house that aren't messy.  Plan on ordering a pizza or serving picnic food or similar.  Then go about your business and don't worry about the brothers.  As long as your house is decent and your kids aren't running around naked and dirty, they won't judge.

[marbel]

From what I've read and seen in others I know, people who are good at hospitality have food around for unexpected guests.  Such as, a batch of chili or soup in the freezer. Frozen pizzas and other snack food.  In the fridge, there are vegetables and the makings of a dip for a crudite plate (mayo, yogurt, sour cream, and in the pantry some ranch mix or even just mixed herbs to stir in).  Some cookies or something sweet - again, can be in the freezer.  

 

I'm not particularly good at last-minute hospitality, but the idea of having food for short-notice guests appeals to me. 

 

One of my dreams is to have food available on a Sunday and just ask random people to come over for lunch after church. It would have to be food that could be frozen in case no one actually took up the invitation.  I've seen it done so I know it can work.   

 

Anyway, that is something that might make living with a type B, spontaneous person easier for a more structured person.

[Melinda in VT]

The type B way just seems like a lot more work in the end. A lot of scrambling around at the last minute. A lot of buying a few options for dinner and then figuring out which one to use. A lot of if, then statements. Why not just say, “Event at noon. Dinner of lasagna at 4.†Done. Not, “Event at noon...or not at all...or DH’s ticket is given to someone else...or dinner is Chinese...or lasagna...or nuggets.†Argh!

 

Making a simple plan is much less stressful (to me) than having to come up with 6 random options on the fly. Because that’s what’s been suggested on the thread—to be “flexible†and be ready to do any of a number of options at the last minute. With kids. Nuggets, a full meal, going out to eat, eating take out at home, going to the event with DH, going to the event without DH, cancelling the event, giving DH’s ticket to someone else. Eight options. Seems like a lot more physical work and more mental work than just finding out when Brother will arrive and making one plan around that.

I agree that coming up with a plan seems simpler than planning for flexibility, as long as everyone is type A.

 

But the flexible suggestions are things that the OP can control. Coming up with a plan requires the participation (or at least buy in) of her DH and the BIL and SIL. Not something she can control.

 

One of my big lessons of the last few years has been that trying to control others or make them more like me does not lead to happiness.

 

Now, if the OP's DH were on here asking what he could do to keep his wife from stressing, I'd be telling him to give her at least a general time for the visit, asks her what else was on the calendar for the day, offer to take responsibility for feeding everyone, etc.

 

But he's not on here. She is.

[Garga]

I'm gonna guess Type A (in this theory of Type A) cooks and cleans and sets family schedule not because of Type B's demand and expectations, but because Type B wouldn't do it the way Type A wants.

 

To me this sounds like "I usually cook and clean and set the schedule to my preference, and it sucks that you want to have a guest over and not do everything around my preferences!" . It's not about giving the husband and guest a great experience--- its' about lessening the "type A's" anxiety. To me it's a very self centered way POV.

So, wanting to clean a house so the guests don’t have to leap over kid’s toys and use a dirty toilet and wanting to have enough food on hand for everyone to eat is a “preference†and is selfish.

 

I don’t see it as controlling in the slightest. Leaving the host up in the air about when you’ll arrive is the selfish and controlling thing to me. Leaving people dangling like that makes them have to jump at your whim, which I think is the definition of selfish and controlling.

 

I will work on not seeing it as selfish, though, because I don’t think that people who do that intend to be selfish and they think they’re being flexible, much the same way that people who want a schedule do not intend to be selfish and think they are caring for their guests by preparing the house and food for them.

[fairfarmhand]

OP, I would be pretty upset that I thought I’d have family time with DH and he’s ditching me...maybe. He doesn’t know because he doesn’t know when his brother will show up. And I’d be pretty upset if my DH made plans and expected me to clean and cook for his guests, but you don’t know when they’re coming and if they’ll eat. So, now you have to come up with 2 receipes and head to the store for the ingredients and be home at the proper time to make them.

 

URGH. Type B people, frankly, sound really rude if they expect all that.

 

The key is probably that they don’t expect it.

 

OP. If I was you, I’d say to DH, “I think it’s crummy that you don’t know if you’ll be able to come to the event with me. If you end up cancelling on me last minute, I will feel sad. Just sayin’. And I am not going to clean and cook for people when I don’t know when they’ll be here. The house will be a disaster in the evening, right when I’d have to cook. So, you clean and you figure out dinner. No anger about it, but it’s on you. I’ll help, but you need to direct. If you want to order pizza and sit in a dirty house with the guests, I’m good with that. Your call.†I would be direct and not manipulative. Because most likely, he’ll be happy to sit in the dirty hosue and eat pizza and I’d be ok with it since it would be his call and I’d be off the hook for the work.

 

But if he expects you to clean and cook for them, then that would be a different story and this thread would have to go in another direction.

I think that Type B people need to hear this spelled out loud and clear. 

 

Especially if they've never had to plan the food and clean they likely don't have a clue what's involved. 

 

And they likely don't really consider how rude and inconsiderate their lack of planning can be.

 

I think sometimes Type A people do the Type B people a disservice by pushing them and planning for them and around them.

 

Sometimes, just letting things fall out the way that they fall out helps motivate them to plan a little better next time. 

 

So your dh's brother might miss seeing the  baby? Okay. Sorry, you should have planned better.

 

I think for me the key is to just do what I am going to do with no resentment. My dh and I both are sort of planners because we both have Very Busy Lives and can't just fiddle around waiting for nonplanners to get their stuff together. It takes just a few times of missing out on something for these non planners to figure it out. 

 

I also have to sort of check out my expectations that we are supposed to see this person and that person. Because if they want to see me and I have crap to do and they won't plan far enough out (I'm not talking months in advance, just 2-3 weeks)  then I guess the relationship isn't as important to them. And that's sad. I have to take the initiative and at least put it out there a few weeks early and then see if they can commit. 

 

But yeah, send the texts, put the potential plans out there and then just do your thing. And yes, do spell it out that "Dh, you can sit in a dirty house and eat takeout to visit if you want, but if you want me to take care of x, y, and z, you're going to have to tell me when and where," 

 

BTW, OP, is there a sister in law who might be interested in doing the planning texts with you? 

Edited December 31, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[Garga]

I agree that coming up with a plan seems simpler than planning for flexibility, as long as everyone is type A.

But the flexible suggestions are things that the OP can control. Coming up with a plan requires the participation (or at least buy in) of her DH and the BIL and SIL. Not something she can control.

One of my big lessons of the last few years has been that trying to control others or make them more like me does not lead to happiness.

Now, if the OP's DH were on here asking what he could do to keep his wife from stressing, I'd be telling him to give her at least a general time for the visit, asks her what else was on the calendar for the day, offer to take responsibility for feeding everyone, etc.

But he's not on here. She is.

 

Yes, you are certainly right. I agree that everything is fine except for the event they have tickets for. I would be perfectly ok with my DH having unexpected visitors that we could tidy up for and decide on a couple of dinner options. I think it’s the ticketed event that’s making this troublesome. The guests don’t know that they’re interrupting something the family already paid for, so it’s not their fault.

 

OP: if the guests aren’t Type B, I’d ask them directly if they know when they’re arriving.

If the guests don’t know, then the only option is to tidy up, go to the event with whomever is available at the time, and order pizza for dinner. Ask DH to help you keep the kids’ mess under control since the mess disturbs the guests.

 

For the future, I think you and DH need to come up with a plan that will accomodate both of you. Perhaps if it’s an event that you have to leave the house for, a plan must be made. But if it’s people hanging out in the house, then there doesn’t need to be a plan.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Garga

[marbel]

So, wanting to clean a house so the guests don’t have to leap over kid’s toys and use a dirty toilet and wanting to have enough food on hand for everyone to eat is a “preference†and is selfish.

 

<snip>

 

I don't think that's exactly what people are saying.

 

If someone shows up at my house unexpectedly, if they have to leap over kids' toys, oh well.  If I know someone is coming, but I don't know when, I'll clean up once in the morning and then let it go. If the house is not perfectly free of kids' toys and clutter, does it really matter?

 

The bathroom is another story.  I would clean the bathroom in the morning and swish the toilet if needed during the day.  (Pretty much if someone uses the toilet and there is any evidence of their use left behind, they clean it right then anyway.)  I'd set out fresh towels and send a kid (or myself) to the bathroom to change out the towels when the guests pulled up.   My bigger problem is my daughter's cosmetics all over the bathroom counter. I can shove that into a box and wipe down the sink area in less than 5 minutes, so if I knew company was coming I'd be sure that was done. 

 

Unexpected guests shouldn't expect food.  Expected guests can be planned for with easy, fast-cooking or reheatable food, even if there isn't a set time.

 

ETA: I only have two kids, and they are older now.  When they were little, we were fortunate to have a dedicated guest bathroom, which they typically didn't use so it was very easy to  keep it clean.  So maybe it was much easier for me. 

Edited December 29, 2017 by marbel

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, I don't see either personality type as inherently selfish.  They process data differently.  Their neurological wiring is different so they need different input/output to function to full effectiveness.  

 

We NEED that as a society.  However, it makes things harder at the individual level, especially when you are married. LOL.

 

OP, you and your DH have different needs and different ways of functioning.  In this particular instance you are willing to shift to accommodate your husband's schedule but you lack information.  He also lacks that information but sees no need to get that information.  Fine.  Cut out the middle man.  :)  Seriously this is what has helped DH and I to function far more effectively as a couple.  I no longer go through DH to coordinate with his family.  He still has choices and can go with the flow but I have the information I need to plan what needs planning.

 

1.  Can you contact your BIL directly to ask when his performance is?  This seems an easy fix.  You can find out and adjust accordingly.  In fact, if you have his cell number or his e-mail or can get those things from your husband (ask without rancor or irritation) then you can get the information you need without having everything bottleneck through your DH.

2.  Same thing here.  Contact BIL/SIL directly.  Let them know your schedule and coordinate directly. Do group texting if that works better.  DH and his family and I do that if we are trying to coordinate a large gathering.  Those who want to pay attention read the info.  Those who don't care don't.  But we can all stay on top of what is going on as we choose.  If your BIL/SIL aren't sure when they will be available on Saturday then share your schedule, plan as if they will be coming over in the evening, go on to the event with the kids and if DH can make it, great.  If not, you and the kids have fun and he hangs out with Bro.  Accept that you cannot control what the others are doing but if you know what they are doing and all parties know what you are doing you can better coordinate as things change.