Type B People: Help Me Understand

[KungFuPanda]

The type B way just seems like a lot more work in the end. A lot of scrambling around at the last minute. A lot of buying a few options for dinner and then figuring out which one to use. A lot of if, then statements. Why not just say, “Event at noon. Dinner of lasagna at 4.†Done. Not, “Event at noon...or not at all...or DH’s ticket is given to someone else...or dinner is Chinese...or lasagna...or nuggets.†Argh!

 

Making a simple plan is much less stressful (to me) than having to come up with 6 random options on the fly. Because that’s what’s been suggested on the thread—to be “flexible†and be ready to do any of a number of options at the last minute. With kids. Nuggets, a full meal, going out to eat, eating take out at home, going to the event with DH, going to the event without DH, cancelling the event, giving DH’s ticket to someone else. Eight options. Seems like a lot more physical work and more mental work than just finding out when Brother will arrive and making one plan around that.

It would be more work if you DID all of those options, but you’re only choosing one of each as the day progresses. The only difference is you made the decisions later. If your food options are coming from what you generally keep on hand, you make that decision when it’s time to prepare dinner instead of days ahead. Or you plan to overcook just in case and if you don’t have guests you get more leftovers. Or you just live in a house that’s not perfect but not embarrassing for people to see.

 

To me, it seems so much easier to have contingencies in mind for myself than it is to try to pin other people down to exact times and plans. They don’t have a plan yet and me freakingnout and demanding one will only stress ME out. It’s not going to motivate the other parties. They’ll either be amused or annoyed, but they’re not going to suddenly become better at scheduling things because I demanded it.

 

It’s just less stress to be able to go with the flow than it is to get upset over exact times or meals. For the record, I was answering as a type b mom in this situation, not defending the type b husband. In general I have plans and they work a lot of the time, but some days don’t have exact schedules and it’s nice to have the ability to enjoy them however they turn out.

[sassenach]

The type B way just seems like a lot more work in the end.

LOL.

Says every type A person, to every type B person, since the beginning of time.

 

And I reply: you are so freaking uptight and stressed about every little detail all the time. RELAX.

 

The truth is, the world needs both types. I think that’s why so many marriages have both types. (My dh is AAA)

[poppy]

So, wanting to clean a house so the guests don’t have to leap over kid’s toys and use a dirty toilet and wanting to have enough food on hand for everyone to eat is a “preference†and is selfish.

 

I don’t see it as controlling in the slightest. Leaving the host up in the air about when you’ll arrive is the selfish and controlling thing to me. Leaving people dangling like that makes them have to jump at your whim, which I think is the definition of selfish and controlling.

 

I will work on not seeing it as selfish, though, because I don’t think that people who do that intend to be selfish and they think they’re being flexible, much the same way that people who want a schedule do not intend to be selfish and think they are caring for their guests by preparing the house and food for them.

 

Wanting those things isn't selfish, I was more responding to the scolding of the spouse. You want your brother over, well I feel excluded and the house and food situation is going to suck because you didn't do it my way!!.  It's one weekend. With his own brother.  Don't make it about you and how YOU want it to be.  (Metaphorical you).

 

I grew up with a mom like that.   It's  exhausting .  But you either always get her approval , or you deal with her anxiety and complaining. It's a no-win.  I'm sure in her mind, she was a saint who did all the cooking and cleaning and scheduling for us.  But I know she did it for herself. 

[rainbowmama]

Wanting those things isn't selfish, I was more responding to the scolding of the spouse. You want your brother over, well I feel excluded and the house and food situation is going to suck because you didn't do it my way!!.  It's one weekend. With his own brother.  Don't make it about you and how YOU want it to be.  (Metaphorical you).

 

I grew up with a mom like that.   It's  exhausting .  But you either always get her approval , or you deal with her anxiety and complaining. It's a no-win.  I'm sure in her mind, she was a saint who did all the cooking and cleaning and scheduling for us.  But I know she did it for herself. 

 

So, I'm no saint. I do do all the cooking, cleaning, and scheduling, as I care about this way more than anyone else in the house. I have always been the most high strung in the family, but after the most recent baby, I've been in treatment for postpartum anxiety. I hate that the anxiety spills all over the kids and my spouse, and to a lesser extent his family. 

[Sandwalker]

I think that Type B people need to hear this spelled out loud and clear.

 

Especially if they've never had to plan the food and clean they likely don't have a clue what's involved.

 

And they likely don't really consider how rude and inconsiderate their lack of planning can be.

 

There's family members like this who just don't get it.

 

This Thanksgiving, my dh sent out a text asking about Thanksgiving plans. nobody responded other than some hmmming about perhaps, maybe??? So we planned to get together with my family. And my dh made his work time off plans.

 

Two weeks before Thanksgiving came around and we weren't available to do the last minute planning because it conflicted with the other family's things, so we just missed it. And they were disappointed. And it was their own fault.

 

Magically, people planned the day for Christmas well in advance.

 

I think sometimes Type A people do the Type B people a disservice by pushing them and planning for them and around them.

 

Sometimes, just letting things fall out the way that they fall out helps motivate them to plan a little better next time.

 

So your dh's brother might miss seeing the baby? Okay. Sorry, you should have planned better.

 

I think for me the key is to just do what I am going to do with no resentment. My dh and I both are sort of planners because we both have Very Busy Lives and can't just fiddle around waiting for nonplanners to get their stuff together. It takes just a few times of missing out on something for these non planners to figure it out.

 

I also have to sort of check out my expectations that we are supposed to see this person and that person. Because if they want to see me and I have crap to do and they won't plan far enough out (I'm not talking months in advance, just 2-3 weeks) then I guess the relationship isn't as important to them. And that's sad. I have to take the initiative and at least put it out there a few weeks early and then see if they can commit.

 

But yeah, send the texts, put the potential plans out there and then just do your thing. And yes, do spell it out that "Dh, you can sit in a dirty house and eat takeout to visit if you want, but if you want me to take care of x, y, and z, you're going to have to tell me when and where,"

 

BTW, OP, is there a sister in law who might be interested in doing the planning texts with you?

To give my Type B answer: I just have to ask if you'd need 2-3 weeks notice for your husband's brother to stop by to see his new niece/nephew (on a day neither of you are working away from the house)?

 

I can see needing more notice for out of town Thanksgiving plans, but how far ahead do you schedule? I guess we are not Very Busy People. Not for family, anyway.

[rainbowmama]

Thanks for all the feedback. Last night, I told my husband that since we didn't know his brothers' schedules, I planned to take the kids to the performance. I'd make sure the house was clean in the morning and when I left, but if he minded the kid mess, I needed him to be responsible for it. I told him that if they were around during meal times and wanted something other than sandwiches for lunch or chicken nuggets for dinner, he needed to be responsible for it. It turned into a fight. Apparently, the event is sold out, so if they show up during the event, they can't just get tickets and tag along, but he doesn't know if they will be there then. He thinks I should do a better job of being on the kids for not making a mess, in general, and then it wouldn't be such a big deal when we had company. He accused me of not wanting to see his family, which is true, though I wish I did. I feel pretty hurt and guilty.

 

This morning, one of the kids woke with a fever. Now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to the event anyway. I don't know if they will want to come over if we have a sick kid. He texted that they will be around late morning, knowing that we are leaving for the performance late in the morning. I responded that we have a sick kid, and what does he want us to do. I don't have either my BIL or SIL's number, so I asked that he start a group text that will include both me and my SIL and am waiting for a response.

Edited December 29, 2017 by rainbowmama

[KungFuPanda]

I’ll own up to being a recovered type A. This behavior is greatly rewarded in school and in the military. It turned out to be more of a source of anxiety out here in Mom Land where life is much less predictably structured and I have much more to juggle. Getting stressed that other people aren’t self-disciplined enough to adhere to an acceptable level of rigidity wasn’t helping anyone in my life and least of all, me. Gradually, over time, I let it go and focused on developing other skills to keep life humming along.

 

I think both of these styles are completely different from people who are just physically and mentally lazy and don’t ever actually DO anything without dragging their feet. People who are perpetually oblivious are the worst for anyone to deal with. They ack the ability to plan AND the energy to spring into action when it matters. They need their own category.

[bolt.]

If it was me:

 

Give your kid some Tylenol/Advil and proceed as usual (expect to baby him through the event). Only stay home or cancel visits if the kid is showing strong symptoms even on medication.

 

Since it's you:

 

Decide whether you want guests. Cancel if you don't want them. Decide if you want to go to the event. Cancel if you don't want to go.

 

It doesn't need to be as complicated as you are making it. If you group text with these concerns, they are very likely to say, "If it isn't a good day, we won't come." If you want to cancel, just cancel. It doesn't need to be a big confab.

 

(If your DH is standing by criticizing kid messes, you can let him know that when he sees childhood skills that he wants to prioritize, you are sure he is smart enough to pursue his own goals. You are plannng to develop tidiness skills fairly slowly.)

[poppy]

Thanks for all the feedback. Last night, I told my husband that since we didn't know his brothers' schedules, I planned to take the kids to the performance. I'd make sure the house was clean in the morning and when I left, but if he minded the kid mess, I needed him to be responsible for it. I told him that if they were around during meal times and wanted something other than sandwiches for lunch or chicken nuggets for dinner, he needed to be responsible for it. It turned into a fight. Apparently, the event is sold out, so if they show up during the event, they can't just get tickets and tag along, but he doesn't know if they will be there then. He thinks I should do a better job of being on the kids for not making a mess, in general, and then it wouldn't be such a big deal when we had company. He accused me of not wanting to see his family, which is true, though I wish I did. I feel pretty hurt and guilty.

 

This morning, one of the kids woke with a fever. Now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to the event anyway. I don't know if they will want to come over if we have a sick kid. He texted that they will be around late morning, knowing that we are leaving for the performance late in the morning. I responded that we have a sick kid, and what does he want us to do. I don't have either my BIL or SIL's number, so I asked that he start a group text that will include both me and my SIL and am waiting for a response.

 

That stinks, that he made this about YOU not being responsible enough about keeping the house clean. I  was team husband up until that point,. He lost my support! Boo.

 

[KungFuPanda]

Thanks for all the feedback. Last night, I told my husband that since we didn't know his brothers' schedules, I planned to take the kids to the performance. I'd make sure the house was clean in the morning and when I left, but if he minded the kid mess, I needed him to be responsible for it. I told him that if they were around during meal times and wanted something other than sandwiches for lunch or chicken nuggets for dinner, he needed to be responsible for it. It turned into a fight. Apparently, the event is sold out, so if they show up during the event, they can't just get tickets and tag along, but he doesn't know if they will be there then. He thinks I should do a better job of being on the kids for not making a mess, in general, and then it wouldn't be such a big deal when we had company. He accused me of not wanting to see his family, which is true, though I wish I did. I feel pretty hurt and guilty.

 

This morning, one of the kids woke with a fever. Now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to the event anyway. I don't know if they will want to come over if we have a sick kid. He texted that they will be around late morning, knowing that we are leaving for the performance late in the morning. I responded that we have a sick kid, and what does he want us to do. I don't have either my BIL or SIL's number, so I asked that he start a group text that will include both me and my SIL and am waiting for a response.

Um, no. The answer is never for Mom to do more work. It sounds like he’d rather you did more work so he never has to make an effort. That’s just too bad, Snowflake. His house. His kids. His responsibility too.

[8circles]

That stinks, that he made this about YOU not being responsible enough about keeping the house clean. I  was team husband up until that point,. He lost my support! Boo.

 

 

Yeah. Husband doesn't sound like type B - what he's doing is rude, not flexible.

 

I'm sorry it turned out so unpleasant. I think you should do what you think is best for your kids and you. Communicate clearly what those things are to your DH and then go about your day. 

[marbel]

Thanks for all the feedback. Last night, I told my husband that since we didn't know his brothers' schedules, I planned to take the kids to the performance. I'd make sure the house was clean in the morning and when I left, but if he minded the kid mess, I needed him to be responsible for it. I told him that if they were around during meal times and wanted something other than sandwiches for lunch or chicken nuggets for dinner, he needed to be responsible for it. It turned into a fight. Apparently, the event is sold out, so if they show up during the event, they can't just get tickets and tag along, but he doesn't know if they will be there then. He thinks I should do a better job of being on the kids for not making a mess, in general, and then it wouldn't be such a big deal when we had company. He accused me of not wanting to see his family, which is true, though I wish I did. I feel pretty hurt and guilty.

 

This morning, one of the kids woke with a fever. Now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to the event anyway. I don't know if they will want to come over if we have a sick kid. He texted that they will be around late morning, knowing that we are leaving for the performance late in the morning. I responded that we have a sick kid, and what does he want us to do. I don't have either my BIL or SIL's number, so I asked that he start a group text that will include both me and my SIL and am waiting for a response.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry this is turning into such a problem.

 

The event thing tells me this is not really about type A vs type B people,  because even the most plan/schedule-averse type B people that I have known get it that once tickets are purchased, there is a plan and schedule. And there is almost always a risk that tickets will not be available at the last minute. I am wondering if there is some issue between him and his brothers that he can't bring himself to say "we won't be home between noon and 3pm, so come after that."  

 

When I was first married, I could see my husband being unable to say that to his parents.  For a long time, if they called while we were in the middle of dinner or something, he would never say "we're doing x, can I call you back in half an hour?"  Finally he got it that that wasn't rude to put off the phone call. I've never gotten him to ignore a call completely though and let it go to voicemail. :-)   Maybe someday.

[rainbowmama]

Um, no. The answer is never for Mom to do more work. It sounds like he’d rather you did more work so he never has to make an effort. That’s just too bad, Snowflake. His house. His kids. His responsibility too.

 

He isn't home. He had Christmas off, but other than that, he's at work. I do see habit training as part of my job, and I do wish I did a better job of it. Right now, with the huge influx of stuff from Christmas that I'm still working on organizing/purging, it's especially bad. I don't blame him for being frustrated with that. I'm frustrated with it. 

[Sandwalker]

So, I'm no saint. I do do all the cooking, cleaning, and scheduling, as I care about this way more than anyone else in the house. I have always been the most high strung in the family, but after the most recent baby, I've been in treatment for postpartum anxiety. I hate that the anxiety spills all over the kids and my spouse, and to a lesser extent his family.

(((Hugs)))

[marbel]

He isn't home. He had Christmas off, but other than that, he's at work. I do see habit training as part of my job, and I do wish I did a better job of it. Right now, with the huge influx of stuff from Christmas that I'm still working on organizing/purging, it's especially bad. I don't blame him for being frustrated with that. I'm frustrated with it. 

 

OK let's throw PPD requiring treatment in there.  I think your husband needs to extend a little grace. And, you need not to be hard on yourself.  

 

Maybe he should meet his brothers at a pub or something.  Then he has no worries. If the brothers want to see the new baby, then they really shouldn't care if there are toys around and the house is not sparkling.   

[Kassia]

OK let's throw PPD requiring treatment in there.  I think your husband needs to extend a little grace. And, you need not to be hard on yourself.  

 

Maybe he should meet his brothers at a pub or something.  Then he has no worries. If the brothers want to see the new baby, then they really shouldn't care if there are toys around and the house is not sparkling.   

 

:iagree:

 

Be kind to yourself.  It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and are doing the best you can.  I'm an anxious person and all of that would definitely get to me - even more so with a new baby.   :grouphug:

[poppy]

He isn't home. He had Christmas off, but other than that, he's at work. I do see habit training as part of my job, and I do wish I did a better job of it. Right now, with the huge influx of stuff from Christmas that I'm still working on organizing/purging, it's especially bad. I don't blame him for being frustrated with that. I'm frustrated with it. 

 

You are being way too hard on yourself.  You might not see it, but you are.  Heck with him and his expectations.  It is 4 days after Christmas and he's frustrated, well that's fine, he can be frustrated.   While he helps you more as you are in the weeds. That's what good supportive partners do.

[Caroline]

Oh sweetie. Please give yourself some grace. A new baby, anxiety, a sick kid, Christmas mess, it is a lot all at once. Please be gentle with yourself.

[laundrycrisis]

I'm sorry it turned into a fight, but I hope you got a chance to stand up for yourself.  

 

I don't mind if people want to be relaxed with their plans as long as it doesn't impact others.  But when it does involve other people,, it's not okay.  If they don't realize other people are being inconvenienced, they should be told.  But so often people know, but they don't care.  And they expect everyone else to adapt to their whims and ever changing plans.  Refusing to firm things up for the sake of others is inconsiderate and selfish.  It's not healthy to pretzel twist to accommodate someone who won't make a plan, share it with you, and then stick to it.  I used to try to "be flexible", until I understood that it really meant I was expected to give over all the control of the situation and my time to someone else.  I won't do it anymore.  Make a plan and I will work with you.  Leave me hanging, and you get whatever you get from me.  

[fairfarmhand]

To give my Type B answer: I just have to ask if you'd need 2-3 weeks notice for your husband's brother to stop by to see his new niece/nephew (on a day neither of you are working away from the house)?

 

I can see needing more notice for out of town Thanksgiving plans, but how far ahead do you schedule? I guess we are not Very Busy People. Not for family, anyway.

Not necessarily 2-3 weeks to stop by and see the baby, but an assumption that I will just stop my life and not attend events that I already have planned would be annoying. So if its so important for them to see the baby and I say "Got an event from 1-3, don't complain if you happen to show up and I'm not there and the baby isn't either." 

 

It's kind of different for out of town family. My assumption is that they're not going to drop by for 45 minutes when they're out of town. They may want a more extensive visit, which is fine, but I need 2 weeks notice if I'm going to drop everything for a whole day visit. And since we live near NONE of our family, most of the time a 40 minute visit isn't going to happen. It's going to be all day or a half day to make it worth the drive.

 

But I'm someone who can't stand being "dropped in on." Not even by family. Not because I love my schedule but because it takes me completely off guard. And running in the back of my head is "Ok, I was planning on doing laundry all day, and the house is a total mess and all we have to eat is cereal and what if they're not gone when I need to leave for x,y, and z. And..." I feel obligated to stop what I'm doing to give guests my full attention. And when I have laundry around my ears and a stall in the barn that shouldve been cleaned out 3 days ago, and a pharmacy phone call to make, I just won't do that when I have company, family or not. 

 

Perhaps my relationships with family would be different if we saw them all the time, but I couldn't tell someone that came a long way for a visit that I had some stuff to do would you mind if I fold laundry or make a phone call or something.

[fairfarmhand]

To give my Type B answer: I just have to ask if you'd need 2-3 weeks notice for your husband's brother to stop by to see his new niece/nephew (on a day neither of you are working away from the house)?

 

I can see needing more notice for out of town Thanksgiving plans, but how far ahead do you schedule? I guess we are not Very Busy People. Not for family, anyway.

 

 

Also, we farm. So just because I'm not working away from the house, it doesn't mean that I'm not working. I swear it seems like it never ends around here. :)

 

We could never leave the house for a week and still be backed up on work. 

 

Just because people aren't working away from the house doesn't mean they're not working.

[KungFuPanda]

He isn't home. He had Christmas off, but other than that, he's at work. I do see habit training as part of my job, and I do wish I did a better job of it. Right now, with the huge influx of stuff from Christmas that I'm still working on organizing/purging, it's especially bad. I don't blame him for being frustrated with that. I'm frustrated with it.

Habit training kids is a process that takes YEARS. Right now I’m sitting in a clean-enough-for-company house while Dd is doing laundry without being asked. It’s nice, but my kids are 17 and 20. Things weren’t this calm, neat, or clean when they were little. Little kids are just so much constant physical labor. In some ways my life is hard because I care for my disabled son. This is still easier than the incessant work of caring for tiny kids. If at the end of the day your kids are mostly clean, reasonably well-fed, generally happy, and still breathing, you have WORKED. If you’re dh doesn’t even know what it is to pull this off because he never does it, it’s ridiculous for him to expect better.

[maize]

One problem with saying "let the husband deal with getting the house ready" is that, should the house be a mess when folks come over, the guests are not likely to think that is the husband's fault. The cultural expectation that the woman is responsible for housekeeping is too strong.

 

I think that is all kinds of wrong but it is true.

 

I'm not at all type A, but I absolutely want advance warning of people are going to be in my home.

Edited December 29, 2017 by maize

[maize]

I also don't see anxiety as a type A issue.

 

Anxiety is anxiety not personality.

 

:grouphug: OP

[Bluegoat]

I'm gonna guess Type A (in this theory of Type A) cooks and cleans and sets family schedule not because of Type B's demand and expectations, but because Type B wouldn't do it the way Type A wants. 

 

To me this sounds like "I usually cook and clean and set the schedule to my preference, and it sucks that you  want to have a  guest over and not do everything around my preferences!"    .  It's not about giving the husband and guest a great experience---  its' about lessening the "type A's" anxiety.  To me it's  a very self centered way POV.

 

I don't think that's the only, or most likely, possibility.

 

I'm not at all type a, but what the OP is describing would drive me up the wall.

 

It sounds to me that the issue is that person A is used to having to coordinate and multi-task kids and household management, which is a job that requires keeping a number of balls in the air at once.  Even a very lax planner will often find when they have three or four kids, they have to start planning ahead.  Especially if there is a baby as well.

 

Person B seems to be use to person A doing all this, so it seems like it happens by magic. "Woo-hoo, I can be so laid back because everything seems to chug right along somehow...."

 

Edited December 29, 2017 by Bluegoat

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

OP, I hope you are able to take the time to read this not-too-long comic strip on Mental Load:

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-2

 

I think what you are classifying as type A and type B differences is actually more related to who in your family bears the mental load for the family, and that is you.  

 

I stumbled across this comic months ago on this board, and reading it was truly important in my development as a person.  Having a NAME for all that work I do- that invisible work- really validated me in many ways.  

 

I am NOT a type A personality.  But I do bear the mental load and so therefore I know that guests need food, food needs groceries, groceries need pre-planning.  Babies need naps, naps need regularity and regularity needs planning.  Pre-bought tickets cost money, money needs to be allocated wisely and not wasted.  And so on, and so on, and SO ON.  

 

I would have absolutely no problem with BIL saying, "Hey we want to come by Saturday afternoon, but not sure when we'll be there.", to which I could say, "We'll be out from 11-3 at an event, but we can leave a key under the mat in case you arrive before us.  There's always sandwich stuff in the fridge if you arrive hungry.  Will you be around for dinner?  I need to know how much meat to thaw."  

 

Giving a vague, basic outline of plans is common courtesy, not type A/B.  If you want to be a type B but not be a burden, then you take on the mental load for your host and say, "Not sure when we'll get in, but we can hang out at Starbucks until you text that you're home.  If we end up staying for dinner, I'll just treat us all to delivery pizza.  I don't know when my gig is, but I'll get my ticket and bro's ticket as soon as I figure it out."  If you're going to be a so called type B, then take on the mental load that goes with it.  If OP's husband wants this all to be spontaneous, then he should propose solutions (I'll pick up frozen pizzas on Friday, I'll skip the event to be sure someone is home, I'll ask bro to text when he's 30 minutes out so we can do a quick clean up)

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Haha, well now I know for sure that I am not a type B person because I feel this way exactly. 

 

 

This thread is stressing me out, too.

I guess it’s about control, but also about expectations.

A lot of type B responders are saying to let DH handle it. If the OP usually handles the cleaning and cooking, then she’ll need to let Dh know he’s in charge of that, because it sounds like he wants to go with the flow, but isn’t going to prepare the house or food for the guests. If his expectation is that his wife will get the house and food ready for the guests, then of course the OP wants to know the time they’re coming. The expectation is that she’ll prepare for guests.

A lot of type B people are saying that the OP should do her own thing and let her DH figure it all out. That’s so strange to me. It sounded like DH was going to hang with the family at the event that they have tickets for, but now he’s ditching them? So, the OP’ll have to go to the event with the kids alone? That’s crummy.

OP, I would be pretty upset that I thought I’d have family time with DH and he’s ditching me...maybe. He doesn’t know because he doesn’t know when his brother will show up. And I’d be pretty upset if my DH made plans and expected me to clean and cook for his guests, but you don’t know when they’re coming and if they’ll eat. So, now you have to come up with 2 receipes and head to the store for the ingredients and be home at the proper time to make them.

URGH. Type B people, frankly, sound really rude if they expect all that.

The key is probably that they don’t expect it.

OP. If I was you, I’d say to DH, “I think it’s crummy that you don’t know if you’ll be able to come to the event with me. If you end up cancelling on me last minute, I will feel sad. Just sayin’. And I am not going to clean and cook for people when I don’t know when they’ll be here. The house will be a disaster in the evening, right when I’d have to cook. So, you clean and you figure out dinner. No anger about it, but it’s on you. I’ll help, but you need to direct. If you want to order pizza and sit in a dirty house with the guests, I’m good with that. Your call.†I would be direct and not manipulative. Because most likely, he’ll be happy to sit in the dirty hosue and eat pizza and I’d be ok with it since it would be his call and I’d be off the hook for the work.

But if he expects you to clean and cook for them, then that would be a different story and this thread would have to go in another direction.

 

[Ausmumof3]

Thanks for all the feedback. Last night, I told my husband that since we didn't know his brothers' schedules, I planned to take the kids to the performance. I'd make sure the house was clean in the morning and when I left, but if he minded the kid mess, I needed him to be responsible for it. I told him that if they were around during meal times and wanted something other than sandwiches for lunch or chicken nuggets for dinner, he needed to be responsible for it. It turned into a fight. Apparently, the event is sold out, so if they show up during the event, they can't just get tickets and tag along, but he doesn't know if they will be there then. He thinks I should do a better job of being on the kids for not making a mess, in general, and then it wouldn't be such a big deal when we had company. He accused me of not wanting to see his family, which is true, though I wish I did. I feel pretty hurt and guilty.

 

This morning, one of the kids woke with a fever. Now, I'm not sure if we'll be able to go to the event anyway. I don't know if they will want to come over if we have a sick kid. He texted that they will be around late morning, knowing that we are leaving for the performance late in the morning. I responded that we have a sick kid, and what does he want us to do. I don't have either my BIL or SIL's number, so I asked that he start a group text that will include both me and my SIL and am waiting for a response.

That sucks and DH is being unreasonable.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Tell dh he'll have to meet up with his relatives elsewhere, or reschedule the gathering; all events involving you and the dc are canceled because your child has a fever.

 

Do NOT take a feverish child to a performance. That's really rude to others, to knowingly expose them to sickness in close quarters!

 

Do not let dh or anyone else railroad you into preparing for and hosting guests while you have a sick child to tend.

 

While you are telling dh things, tell them that he is also responsible for teaching the children how to keep the home tidy. Maybe if he works with them he will learn something.