Guest with special food “needs�

[amy g.]

I have hosted Christmas for my family for the last 25 years. This has been nice because I have the only kids and they have gotten to grow up being very close to my siblings. It isn’t an option to take turns hosting because I want to be in my own home for Christmas. So this is a situation that I have created.

 

This means paying for everything and being responsible for everything and preparing food for 10-11 people for 4-7 days. We aren’t talking just one big meal.

 

Because my kids have food allergies, eating out is problematic but when we do, I’m expected to pay for everyone, so that doesn’t lessen the burden.

 

I mostly suck it up and get my reward with how happy my kids are to be all together.

 

Our family is sugar and grain free. For decades, we also had 2 vegetarians, so I made sure that everyone had good options for every meal.

 

But my vegetarian sibling still got on my nerves. For example, if I made omelettes to order, with lots of good vegetables, she would eat an omelette and bacon and then what to cook some grain that she brought, scorching my expensive pan and leaving the overflow on my stove for me clean up.

 

About 5 years ago, she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. She asked what my blood sugar levels are and I told her they are consistently below normal. She said, her diagnosis was probably a lab error.

 

A few years later, she gets another warning about her diabetes. At this time, she goes to a NP who tells her to eat meat and gives her a diet plan that is very similar to how we eat.

 

Three years later, she still hasn’t followed the NP’s plan. I continue to point out to her that her rage at her friend might be related to not eating anything but Cheetos all day. She says changing her eating is “too dauntingâ€.

 

Two months ago, she starts having side effects related to diabetes. She decides she will just start medicine for it until she reads that weight gain could be a result of medication. At that point, she finds the the food list from her NP and starts following it.

 

I should be thrilled, right. That is what I wanted her to do.

 

The differences in her food plan and the way we have been eating all of these years is that hers allowed beans. We avoid beans because they make my daughter’s blood sugar shoot up. And hers allows non GMO corn which we avoid because it immediately makes my joints start hurting.

 

Her eating plan specifies raw dairy and grass fed meat. I’m sure those are very good options. I have owned dairy cows and goats, I have made plenty of raw cheese. I primarily feed my family grass fed meat. However, I don’t bring those things to church potlucks and I really do not intend to go to the extra expense of buying those things for a house full of people for an extended visit.

 

Am I being unsupportive if I don’t rework all of our traditional family foods to meet her criteria?

 

I know this is disfunction central.

 

In a way, I’m just proud that we have overcome our upbringing by having any relationship at all.

 

I’m also known for getting all aggravated about some detail when I’m really mad about something else. This kind of feels that way.

 

How would a mature, rational host address this situation?

[Tanaqui]

I can see why you put "needs" in scare quotes. Hoo-boy.

 

Is everything you eat already on her meal plan? If so, hot dog. Serve her that and feign deafness. Don't let her use your kitchen if she won't clean up after herself.

[prairiewindmomma]

Ask her if she's going to bring her own food, or if she'd like the contact information for some possible sources for her meat and dairy.  Plan to take her grocery shopping.

 

ETA: and pick up some pans for her from the thrift store. I wouldn't let her grains anywhere near my "safe" cookware.

Edited December 5, 2017 by kbeal

[Guest]

I have hosted Christmas for my family for the last 25 years. This has been nice because I have the only kids and they have gotten to grow up being very close to my siblings. It isn’t an option to take turns hosting because I want to be in my own home for Christmas. So this is a situation that I have created.

 

This means paying for everything and being responsible for everything and preparing food for 10-11 people for 4-7 days. We aren’t talking just one big meal.

 

Because my kids have food allergies, eating out is problematic but when we do, I’m expected to pay for everyone, so that doesn’t lessen the burden.

 

 

Wow. I'd never even think about taking that on, because I know it would make me crazy. I don't think you're being irrational at all.

 

I wouldn't deviate from your budget and general diet. What I would do is a lot of "make your owns." So, make your own omelettes. Taco bar. Mini pizzas. Or the equivalents. Then everyone can pick and choose what they want without having to tease out the green beans or mushrooms or regular meat or whatever. 

 

I would not pay extra money for one guest like that unless they couldn't eat anything that was on the rest of the menu.

 

I also wouldn't let her use my good pans!

[foxbridgeacademy]

Here's the thing, I have type 2 diabetes, my DD is vegan and GF, there is NO WAY I would ever expect someone to accommodate our food issues. Either we eat what is served or we buy/bring our own food. Special diets should not be accommodated outside of the normal range.  As for having to clean up after a guest... yeah, I have a sibling who does that "make a mess, leave the mess" too.  As long as she's only staying for a couple days I tend to suck it up.  If it were longer I think I'd have to have it out with her.

[kiana]

ETA: and pick up some pans for her from the thrift store. I wouldn't let her grains anywhere near my "safe" cookware.

 

This is brilliant. After she leaves, you can either donate them back or store them for the next guest who wants to cook something. 

[amy g.]

For example, my oldest went to my sister’s for Thanksgiving. They kept requesting that she bring mashed potatoes and cheesecake and other favorites, but Dd was stressed by the thought of trying to find raw cream cheese.

 

She ended up saying that she wanted to try some new dishes and made a stuffing with no dairy or meat and also a grain free, sugar free pie.

 

I told her to take what she wanted because other guests would eat it and sister could make her own decision about eating pasteurized cream cheese, but Dd didn’t like that option.

 

My sister stayed with me 8 days this summer. She ate the way that we do for the most part and that is why she changed her eating. She said “It doesn’t make any sense, but when I eat at your house I feel so good. Then I go back to my own way and feel like crap again.â€

 

Other than the raw dairy and grass fed meat, everything I make will be compliant with her list. This is how I feed my family.

 

Dh will probably make a few pies with sugar in them. I don’t love that he does that, but I’m not going to spoil his own Christmas indulgence.

 

I will make sure that there are plenty of grain free, sugar free treats. I’m just balking at the additional requirements.

[Element]

Can you give her a meal plan and ask her to bring anything she will need in addition to what you have planned for your family? Also, I absolutely agree with the pp who suggested thrift store pans. As for her self-cooking mess, that's probably something you'll just have to grin & bear. Gross kitchens are part of the holiday hosting "fun." 

I'm mostly Paleo, and I greatly prefer this method. My lovely mother would bend over backwards trying to meet the needs of my diet and still miss some things. It makes me so uncomfortable! She need not do this. It's better when she just tells me what she has planned and I just bring my own extras. 

[KungFuPanda]

Assuming you make your menu in advance, I’d share with her so she can see where substitutions need to be made and BRING those substitutions with her. It’s a LOT easier for her to fiddle with her own portions than it is for you. Your hands are full and your budget is already stretched. Now, if she’d like to spring for grass fed for everyone then work with her. I can see adjusting for something like chili where a little goes a long way or where a second, different pot doesn’t really change your prep time, but otherwise she’s gonna have to be an adult and take care of herself. It’s not hard to bring a cooler or some canned beans.

[Jean in Newcastle]

How is she going to know if the meat is grain free or not? Is she going to inspect all labels? Just cook what you are going to cook.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[amy g.]

Yes. I never expect other people to be able to feed my kids. I don’t really want them to try, because I’m sure they would miss something.

 

Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, like when we are at a swim team function and they order pizza for all of the kids. I told the coaches that if I’m there with my kid, it means that I fed her right before,or have food in the car or plan to feed her the minute we leave.

 

I do not want other people feeling responsible for meeting her needs.

 

The swim team has a thing I hate where every Thursday in the winter, they give the kids ramen and candy and cupcakes and every junky thing you can imagine.

 

My kids don’t want that stuff so it isn’t really a big deal.

 

Last week, a mom brought fresh fruit on skewers specifically for my Dd to have something she could eat. It was very sweet and so many of the other moms started saying “I should start doing that!â€

 

So not expected, but sweet when someone can actually pull it off.

[Element]

The swim team has a thing I hate where every Thursday in the winter, they give the kids ramen and candy and cupcakes and every junky thing you can imagine.

 

That's absolutely awful! I understand once or twice a year, but weekly??

[eternalsummer]

Raw dairy is difficult to find.  I would make some options without dairy.

 

Grass fed beef is easy to find and not much pricier than factory-farmed beef.  I would be buying that anyway, and I would probably accommodate it.  I wouldn't worry about the corn and beans, particularly.

[amy g.]

It is intended to be something that motivates kids to come during the dark, rainy winter.

 

I’ve suggested giving them books or playing board games with them or anything but giving them sugar, food coloring & MSG.

 

They tell me, “They burn so many calories swimming†because they just don’t get what my issue is.

 

I just dropped it because it doesn’t affect me personally.

[eternalsummer]

Yes. I never expect other people to be able to feed my kids. I don’t really want them to try, because I’m sure they would miss something.

 

Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, like when we are at a swim team function and they order pizza for all of the kids. I told the coaches that if I’m there with my kid, it means that I fed her right before,or have food in the car or plan to feed her the minute we leave.

 

I do not want other people feeling responsible for meeting her needs.

 

The swim team has a thing I hate where every Thursday in the winter, they give the kids ramen and candy and cupcakes and every junky thing you can imagine.

 

My kids don’t want that stuff so it isn’t really a big deal.

 

Last week, a mom brought fresh fruit on skewers specifically for my Dd to have something she could eat. It was very sweet and so many of the other moms started saying “I should start doing that!â€

 

So not expected, but sweet when someone can actually pull it off.

 

 

We have a finnicky diet from which we never deviate (as it is a moral requirement), and I also never expect anyone to feed my kids - but when they go out of their way to bring or make something the kids can eat, I really appreciate it.  

[justasque]

How far is your sister travelling?  What is her mode of transportation?  How long is she staying?  In other words, how feasible is it that she bring her special ingredients or dishes with her?  Is it possible for her to make a grocery run once she's there?  
This is your SISTER, not your dh's boss.  This is a family holiday meal, not  a birthday party for one of your kids.  I do not think it's at all unreasonable to ask her to bring her special foods, or to chip in for the ingredients.  You are doing the hosting - a big part of the work and often the expense of a holiday meal.  Other participants should help in one way or another.  That's the way we do it in our family, because it keeps everyone sane and solvent.

[Crimson Wife]

I support the right of others to buy and consume raw dairy (caveat emptor), but I wouldn't purchase it myself nor would I use it as an ingredient in shared family dishes. A guest who only wants to consume raw dairy can go out and get it himself/herself. And it would have to be clearly labeled as such before I'd allow it to be stored in my refrigerator.

[Word Nerd]

I'm still stuck on the fact you're expected to pay for everything, even if you go out! That's nuts.

[OrganicJen]

When I'm a guest I never expect the host to accomodate me in that way. If I'm invited to go somewhere and food is included for me for free as part of that invitation, I might ask if the host wouldn't mind if I made dish of my own to bring to share or brought a recipe to make a dish of my own to share but I can't imagine asking more of my host than that. Now when I'm the host I make the dishes I want to make and if I know of a favorite dish of a guest I do try to make that as well but I don't alter the entire menu for them.

[amy g.]

Raw dairy is difficult to find. I would make some options without dairy.

 

Grass fed beef is easy to find and not much pricier than factory-farmed beef. I would be buying that anyway, and I would probably accommodate it. I wouldn't worry about the corn and beans, particularly.

I really appreciate everyone’s help. I feel like your comments are helping me put my finger on what is bothering me.

 

I do buy grass fed meat for my family, so I do know where to get that. I just didn’t want to go to the extra cost because conservatively, I’m looking at 12 meals for 10 people made entirely from scratch.

 

As far as the dairy, I am starting to see that part of what is bothering me is that my kids already have so much they can’t eat. I don’t want them to not have their special, dairy-rich comfort foods at Christmas time.

 

There will be plenty she can choose from. She knows where our grocery store is.

 

I just need to do what PPs have suggested. I’ll stick to my plan, making sure she has options, but not change the recipes my kids are expecting.

 

I feel better already.

 

I don’t know why I sometimes need an outside opinion to get over it.

[amy g.]

I support the right of others to buy and consume raw dairy (caveat emptor), but I wouldn't purchase it myself nor would I use it as an ingredient in shared family dishes. A guest who only wants to consume raw dairy can go out and get it himself/herself. And it would have to be clearly labeled as such before I'd allow it to be stored in my refrigerator.

When we are raw dairy, it was only from my own animals and only when I did 100% of the milking and preparation.

 

There is way too much that can go wrong and outcomes are too serious.

[OrganicJen]

I really appreciate everyone’s help. I feel like your comments are helping me put my finger on what is bothering me.

 

I do buy grass fed meat for my family, so I do know where to get that. I just didn’t want to go to the extra cost because conservatively, I’m looking at 12 meals for 10 people made entirely from scratch.

 

As far as the dairy, I am starting to see that part of what is bothering me is that my kids already have so much they can’t eat. I don’t want them to not have their special, dairy-rich comfort foods at Christmas time.

 

There will be plenty she can choose from. She knows where our grocery store is.

 

I just need to do what PPs have suggested. I’ll stick to my plan, making sure she has options, but not change the recipes my kids are expecting.

 

I feel better already.

 

I don’t know why I sometimes need an outside opinion to get over it.

We all need outside opinions from time to time.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I'm not understanding why you can't ask your guests to pitch in for meals? If they don't know what to buy, ask them for monetary contributions.

If you're not the subject of a monarchy, you're not expected to support the king's entourage (multitude of family), for days on end. That's a martyr complex

for you and rather assumptive of them. Your sister might get offended if you don't cater to her every whim but really, that's on her. Maybe make a meal or two 

according to her diet plan, or at least provide the goods, but other than that, you can totally ask her to provide her own needed items. And I think you'll find that 

any family worth their salt will be glad, or at least willing, to pitch in. There is NO reason the ENTIRE meal plan, groceries, and meals should be on your shoulders alone.

 

When dh and I went to family reunion years back, we all stayed together for a long weekend. My SIL came up with a brilliant plan where each family was responsible to buy

the groceries and prepare ONE meal for the entire family that weekend. It worked out really well. Just a thought on what could work for all of you.

[amy g.]

I'm still stuck on the fact you're expected to pay for everything, even if you go out! That's nuts.

This is part of the disfunction of our upbringing. My dad is dead now, but I look back and I can’t believe that he too expected Dh and I to provide everything every time.

 

My family role is the provider, I guess.

 

I’m also conflicted because I would really like to see my brother at Christmas. The only way that will happen is if I send him a ticket.

 

We have 2 kids in college, 2 house payments at the moment, company stock is way down. No one else even thinks, “Maybe I should chip in.â€

 

Also, that brings up another issue. We are in the smallest house we have ever had. We only have 3 bedrooms. It is going to be tight.

 

My sister mentioned how fun it would be if some people stay in these yurts nearby on the heritage preserve.

 

That would solve my space issues, but it will only happen if I pay for it myself.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Well, you have now realized it's time to put the kabash on paying for everything for everyone. 

They're grown adults, let them pay.

[OrganicJen]

When I host people and just invite them to come for a period of time, I expect to provide the meals at my house, but my guests have always brought snacks and also done shopping on their own too and paid for their own meals if we go out. Usually foods they buy they leave behind too for us to finish. But, if I had guests who I expected to behave the way yours are, then in my invitation I would give specifics like... I'll be providing these meals xyz...and each family will be providing one meal on these days.... I always like when invitations have details so I know what to expect so if it's set up from the start that the invitation includes xyz and each family at a minimum is expected to provide xyz, then everyone should be on the same page.

[Ausmumof3]

Wow that is bizarre... Your adult siblings expecting you to pay for everything.

[Pen]

I also think you should make meals that work for your family.

 

Try to have salad type stuff around that would presumably give nutritious food that doesn't violate anyone's restrictions.

 

Tell siblings that they can use the kitchen when you don't need to do so, but need to bring their own pots and pans if so, and to clean up after themselves.  If anything they might bring causes your family too much trouble (or temptation) even being in the same house with it, ban that food from even coming in.  This could apply to sugar as a banned from the house item.

[amy g.]

I also think you should make meals that work for your family.

 

Try to have salad type stuff around that would presumably give nutritious food that doesn't violate anyone's restrictions.

 

Tell siblings that they can use the kitchen when you don't need to do so, but need to bring their own pots and pans if so, and to clean up after themselves. If anything they might bring causes your family too much trouble (or temptation) even being in the same house with it, ban that food from even coming in. This could apply to sugar as a banned from the house item.

Fortunately we don’t have temptation issues. My kids aren’t tempted by sugar because they don’t want to feel bad afterwards.

 

When my sister was here this summer, she did buy a watermelon and fed it to my kids before I woke up.

 

I took Dd’s blood sugar right then and there and showed my sister how high it was. She felt bad because she just doesn’t think.

[StephanieZ]

"Sis, I think my meal plan for the week will fit with your criteria, except for the grass-fed meats and whatever dairy . . . Honestly, I generally choose those things for our small family, really, due to the costs of buying groceries for nice meals for our large group for the week, I generally don't use the super pricey grass fed meats and super pricey dairy when we have such a large gathering. I think I can find that stuff, but it'd add at least $200 (insert whatever number makes sense to you) to the grocery budget for the week, and that just isn't doable for us with all the other holiday expenses. What do you think we should do?"

 

That's her chance to say, "Oh, sis, I'm sorry, of course! Let me pitch in to cover the meat and dairy for the week! I can PayPal you $300 (ideally 50% more than whatever number you throw out) right now if you'd let me do that!"

 

Or, she can mumble and whine. And prove herself an ass. 

 

If you can readily predict which answer she'll give you, then I guess you might need to reconsider my suggestion . . . 

 

 

 

Alternatively, you can think of the actual dollar cost (say the $200) and decide if it's worth the argument or the money, and just spend the extra money yourself. Or plan fewer meals with meat and/or dairy . . . 

 

 

Another option would be to ask family members to bring/contribute certain items to help defray expenses. That might be more comfy than asking everybody to pitch in $$. You could make a list (5# grass fed beef roast, 10# non GMO organic potatoes, etc.) and ask folks to choose x items from the list. You could include a caveat that "If you don't feel like shopping, I get it! I'd be cool to do the extra shopping if you'd like. Just let me know, and you can reimburse me later. I think $50 per family would be AWESOME." Or something like that. 

 

 

 

 

[Pen]

This is part of the disfunction of our upbringing. My dad is dead now, but I look back and I can’t believe that he too expected Dh and I to provide everything every time.

 

My family role is the provider, I guess.

 

I’m also conflicted because I would really like to see my brother at Christmas. The only way that will happen is if I send him a ticket.

 

We have 2 kids in college, 2 house payments at the moment, company stock is way down. No one else even thinks, “Maybe I should chip in.â€

 

Also, that brings up another issue. We are in the smallest house we have ever had. We only have 3 bedrooms. It is going to be tight.

 

My sister mentioned how fun it would be if some people stay in these yurts nearby on the heritage preserve.

 

That would solve my space issues, but it will only happen if I pay for it myself.

 

 

Are your siblings all very poor?

 

Could you tell the others that you would appreciate it if they would provide the brother you want to see with a ticket as a present to you (and him) this year?  

 

Tell them to chip in however you want them to chip in.  Say it sweetly.  Don't expect them to think of it.

 

I'd suggest they bring sleeping bags and bed down on living room floor. That also sounds like fun.

 

Or if your sister mentions the yurt, agree with her, and tell her that if she wants to do that your feelings will not be hurt and that it will save space, and tell her you need her to arrange and pay for that.

 

Tell them you are under various pressures and need their help a lot this year.  They may be happy to pitch in if asked.  Or even if not, at least you will be sticking up for yourself.

[fairfarmhand]

When we are raw dairy, it was only from my own animals and only when I did 100% of the milking and preparation.

 

There is way too much that can go wrong and outcomes are too serious.

Yup. This is me too.

 

She may know that you've done raw milk products in the past and not connect the dots that you look at "your" raw milk products differently from someone else's raw milk products. 

 

How would it go over if you sent an email or text that "money is very tight this year and while I am happy to host, feeding everyone is going to stretch your budget very thinly this year. Any contributions, whether in cash or by bringing food items to share would be appreciated." 

 

Are your siblings married? Because even if my dh didn't get that he was straining his sister, *I* would feel that our family should contribute to the expenses of hosting.

 

Also, I would spell out in the message that the home is smaller this year and everyone should be prepared to sleep in a sleeping bag on the living room floor if necessary. And if they can't do that, they should bring their own blow up mattress or whatever. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[sarasue7272]

You’ve gotten some good advice. This whole situation is very strange to me. I can’t imagine cooking three meals a day for 10 people. I do understand your own families restrictions make it hard for someone else to prepare meals. I think in future you should just invite them for 2-3 days.

These adults should be cleaning up after every meal, offering to pay for you at a restaurant, and taking themselves off for breakfast or lunch out several times. That’s what I would do as a guest anyway.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Why can't she just take responsibility for abstaining from the yummy dairy rich foods that your children will be having, and be glad that her diet mostly fits inside your diet so she'll probably make out pretty well...and bring her own raw dairy and grass fed meat or give you some money...

 

I realize that I am describing functional and adult behavior.

 

I wish you could invite them all to stay in the yurts on their own dime, and cook their own yurt meals of choice for breakfast and lunch, and get together for just one meal per day (your house, your menu).

 

Gee whiz. :(

[sassenach]

What’s your policy on talking about money? Could you plainly say, “I can’t afford to feed everyone grass fed meet all week.†(People, how should that be punctuated?)

 

Does everyone just think that you guys are endlessly loaded?

[amy g.]

As to being poor, my brother is in a halfway house with 6 months of sobriety, working in a sushi restaurant. So yes. He is. But he is also the one who also always makes a meal when he is here and always washes the dishes. He doesn’t make demands, and tries to do everything in his power to help.

 

His dad is still alive and quite well off. My brother spends most of his free time taking care of his dad, so I might even call him and tell him that if he wanted to do something nice for Christmas, he could spring for the ticket for his kid to come here. He will probably say no, but I should give him the opportunity.

 

My sister is in a longstanding relationship. They have been together longer than Dh and I. They don’t have kids. My sister hasn’t ever worked, but she makes side money from some of her art and hobbies.

 

Partner has always made about the same as Dh until recently, but his pay bump coincided with our having kids in college so it probably still comes out about the same.

 

Partner always brings me flowers or good coffee or a bottle of wine.

 

Honestly, the year none of them came, they got snowed in in an airport, I was inconsolable. I really do appreciate having family and I have gotten rid of the truly toxic ones.

 

I need to quit making it into a big deal because none of it will mater in the end.

 

My 11 year old is serving at Christmas Eve mass. I know I’m going to be so happy to share that moment with my family.

 

I’m going to do everybody a favor and chill out.

[amy g.]

What’s your policy on talking about money? Could you plainly say, “I can’t afford to feed everyone grass fed meet all week.†(People, how should that be punctuated?)

 

Does everyone just think that you guys are endlessly loaded?

Ummmm....yes.

[QueenCat]

This is part of the disfunction of our upbringing. My dad is dead now, but I look back and I can’t believe that he too expected Dh and I to provide everything every time.

 

My family role is the provider, I guess.

 

I’m also conflicted because I would really like to see my brother at Christmas. The only way that will happen is if I send him a ticket.

 

 

 

You can still send him a ticket without buying everyone else's meals out. Send out an email soon, explaining that you'll be providing x meals and that other meals will be out, with everyone getting their own checks. Be clear, don't debate.

[Jaybee]

I would probably just tell my sister that I would be preparing x, y, and z. If she needs considerations other than that, she will need to take care of it, because it is quite the challenge cooking for that many people.

[solascriptura]

Maybe you could provide her a premade menu. Tell her that this is what you’ll be serving and if she wants anything differently that she’ll need to bring it and her own cookware. I would try to be considerate in the menu planning, but not go overboard. Most people with food restrictions tend to be understanding and don’t expect total accommodations. You could also suggest that she make her grains at home and just heat it for her in the microwave.

[Carol in Cal.]

Hon, you are a great host.

And would you really want people to bring food for everyone, given all the trickiness of the dietary requirements?

You've GOT this.  We already know that Sis totally has not GOT this.

Regarding the corn, I am surprised by that also.  DH is pre-pre-diabetic, and the little masa harina corn tortillas that I used to make skyrocket his blood sugar even when eaten with plenty of protein.

 

There are lots of way that you could adjust for this annoyance, by asking for people to pitch in financially or to do a shopping trip for a meal or two or something.  Great ideas in the thread so far.

 

But if you want to control what is served, and that does sound quite important, then you might end up disappointed if you ask for participation.

 

So my inclination would be to go ahead and buy the danged grass fed meat, refuse to buy the raw dairy stuff, identify what dishes sis can and can't eat, (clothes pins are often used at potlucks for signals.  I like that because then you don't have to talk about it.), and make sure that there is always a *reasonable* selection for her.  Like, she could eat the meat without the gravy if it's got dairy in it.  *Maybe* get raw dairy butter and use that for cooking, since butter is in just about everything, and since hopefully the sautéing process will eliminate any bacteria. Maybe tilt toward more olive oil for cooking instead.  I'd probably make a big pot of good dairy free refried beans for her to fall back on if there are no good choices for her, and also have some decent canned bean options available--Van Camp's pork n beans is actually pretty tasty, for instance, and there are some gourmet level canned bean soups in Whole Paycheck as well.  That way if she doesn't use them they go straight into the larder for another visit, but they don't become part of challenges for your own children by being served in quantity.

 

Then come here and tell us all the stories.  :)

Simultaneously, try to think of yourself as the Queen of hosting, rather than the slave of serving.  And as the one who has probably saved your sister's life by teaching her how to eat right. 

Edited December 5, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[sassenach]

Ummmm....yes.

LOL, was that an answer to both or just the second question? I'm assuming just the second. What would happen if you told said out loud that you can't afford something?

 

BTW, I think you're a saint.

[Plink]

You are a better sister than I have ever been.  That situation sounds so incredibly unbalanced on so many levels.  Know that your effort serving them is a greater gift than any financial expense you pay.  You are an amazing woman.

[amy g.]

It is too late to do that for Christmas. My sister and partner already have plane tickets. I feel like you have to give a little more notice before breaking a 25 year pattern.

 

In general and watching her interaction with others, if it costs her something, she won’t do it. So I’d probably end up just having Christmas with our own kids going forward.

 

Which isn’t bad, but my kids would be disappointed.

 

Once my brother was excited about going on a road trip with us. When I mentioned that it might be good to have some of his own money (so I’m not paying for every meal and snack along the way) he went MIA. I didn’t hear from him again until it was over. He just said, “Oh, it didn’t work out.â€

 

Our parents never did anything except fight about money, and take each other back to court over money. Neither one would deal with my brothers deep clinical depression because if he wanted treatment, he had better get the other parent to pay for it.

 

So as disfunctional as all of our weirdness about money is, I still call it a win that we have better relationships with it than our parents did and my own children are downright normal and mature about money matters.

 

Somethings might take generations to overcome.