"You can't take your feet off" and other nuggets of parental wisdom

[BarbecueMom]

Dh says he has to go see a man about a horse when he needs to use the bathroom. I think his dad said it, too.

 

We say we're going to "drop the kids off at the pool". Or, if you are familiar with the Halo video game franchise, "taking the Covenant back their bomb".

[kewb]

Child: should I bring a jacket?

Me: How much could it eat.

 

I am not paying to air condition/heat the neighborhood.

 

Child complaining about the unfairness of whatever has been denied. "That dripping noise you hear is my heart bleeding for to." or I will rub my pointer and thumb together and tell them that is the world's smallest violin playing for them.

 

Why, yes, the dog is my favorite. If I locked you both in the trunk for a week who would be happy to see me?

[Junie]

When the dc were toddlers and complained of a headache, stomachache, or whateverache, I would quiz them:  Does your nose hurt?  Does your knee hurt?  The final question was always, Does your hair hurt?  If they told me that their hair hurt I sent them on their merry way.  If they said no, then I would treat whatever what ailing them.

 

Also, some of the dc have a habit of pestering asking permission for Everything.  I will sometimes answer, "On a Tuesday?!?!"  (or whatever day it is) as if it's the most absurd thing ever to want a drink or to go to the bathroom on that specific day of the week.  

Edited July 22, 2017 by Junie

[RegGuheert]

Also, some of the dc have a habit of pestering asking permission for Everything.  I will sometimes answer, "On a Tuesday?!?!"  (or whatever day it is) as if it's the most absurd thing ever to want a drink or to go to the bathroom on that specific day of the week.  

I like that...keeps 'em guessin'! :lol:

 

P.S. Junie, your Mii looks just like my older daughter's Mii.  :thumbup1:

Edited July 22, 2017 by RegGuheert

[fraidycat]

"I know we live close to the hospital, but it is just not on my agenda today.!" (Usually said to dd when climbing trees.)

 

A few more ...

 

"I'm Mom. Nice to meet you, Bored." (In response to "I'm bored.")

 

"Hustle buns! I'd want to get there, like, today."

 

"You have this rectangular device in your hand that answers by the name of "Google" (or Siri.)" In response to questions that I would have no way of k owing the answer.

 

 

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OMG, yes. "My name is NOT Google/Dictionary." Is another frequent one around here!

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I have to admit that I read this about five times before I figured out that he was describing a sandwich! :o

 

Australians have the most colorful language! :thumbup1:

 

It makes for a great mental picture, doesn't it?

And you have to imagine it said with a very broad Australian accent  :)

[nixpix5]

"I have to be mean. It's part of my job. It's in the Mommy Contract."

Haha!! I will often say "please don't make me use my mean mommy face and my frustrated mommy voice. Do you like it? I really don't like the way it sounds. Can we all just make decisions that doesn't result in that consequence?"

 

They find this amusing :)

[desertstrawberry5]

I eat nuts often.

"Can I have a nut?"

" you are a nut. "

They are so annoyed with that one, I'm expanding it to everything.

"You are a cup."

" you are a pencil. "

[SarahW]

Oh, yeah, my DH also likes to say a Dutch saying to answer the incessant "where are we going, where are we going?" questions from the backseat.

 

Translated it's something like "Going along the path following the sheep poop."

 

It makes a bit more sense in Dutch. But not much.

 

The frustrated sigh of response from the backseat makes it extra funny.

[J-rap]

"Who are you talking to -- Mrs. Feldek?"

 

This was carried over from dh's family.  :)

 

He's from a very large and boisterous Irish Catholic family.  At the dinner table or even just running through the house, they'd throw conversations back and forth often.  His mother tried to teach them to say the person's name that they were talking to first (if they were really just telling something to one person), in order to get the listener's attention.  This was especially important if you were asking for help or giving an instruction to someone, for example.  Their neighbor across the street was Mrs. Feldek, so when their mother didn't know who one of her children was talking to, she'd say "Who are you talking to --  Mrs. Feldek?" (Meaning, "You could be talking to Mrs. Feldek right now, for all I know!")

 

You wouldn't think the need for this would come up that often, but really, it does!

 

 

[Alice]

 

 

When we would ask my mom what was for dinner she usually said, "a knuckle sandwich." My usual response to this question is "food" which is then followed by "what kind-of food" to which I respond, "good food."

 

 

 

 

My dh says this one a lot. But now it's backfired because whenever we ask our oldest what he wants to eat he answers "Food." Followed by "Yummy food." 

 

I talk about the "dishwasher fairy" a lot ...."Those plates aren't going to get put where they are supposed to go by the dishwasher fairy." 

 

Our Scoutmaster has a saying about bringing appropriate layers/coats..."If you don't have it with you, you can't put it on." We say that a lot when someone is leaving the house without a coat and I think it's cold. And usually we quote him.."As Mr. G says...." Now I just have to say the first part and they finish the rest. 

[kewb]

My dh says this one a lot. But now it's backfired because whenever we ask our oldest what he wants to eat he answers "Food." Followed by "Yummy food."

 

I talk about the "dishwasher fairy" a lot ...."Those plates aren't going to get put where they are supposed to go by the dishwasher fairy."

 

 

When my children neglect to place their dishes in the dishwasher I remind them that the dish fairy quit.

 

When I knock on their bedroom door before entering and they ask who is it I will usually respond with Candygram. I don't know who they think is knocking when it is just us in the house.

[Lizzie in Ma]

A good friend used to say this to his children:  "Hold your thumb out.  When I smash it with this hammer, you will no longer feel pain in your (whatever)!"

 

The old farmer's cure, a family staple. :)

[Lizzie in Ma]

We tend to use a lot of tv and movie quotes, it was years before my kids got them in context.

 

EX:

From Firefly, "one of you is going to fall and die and I am not cleaning it up"

 

from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: to MOOOOM, why???  Buffy: "Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them."

 

So many more I can't think of right now...

 

[teachermom2834]

"I am not in the mood to go to the ER today." Once the kids got big and we discussed finances often I would say "we haven't met our deductible yet."

 

"It's my job. I'm your mom." (Said when I was worrying or nagging or giving an umpteenth reminder).

 

"Let's behave and try to convince these people we are nice and actually like each other." (Said when meeting with other people and my kids were not behaving).

 

The one mine will remember is "Eyes in same direction as your feet." I think this one started at a theme park or something but my kids would be walking one way and looking another. Made me crazy! A bunch of little kids crashing into each other and objects because they were not looking where they were walking. Who needs to be told to look ahead of them when they ware walking somewhere? My kids. And sometimes my dh. LOL

[kewb]

We tend to use a lot of tv and movie quotes, it was years before my kids got them in context.

We quote the Princess Bride with some frequency. When you leave our house someone will usually say "Have fun storming the castle."

 

Monty Python makes an appearance with "Tis only a flesh wound"

 

Bro code from how I met your mother has been tossed about. Along with legen-wait for it -dery. Usually, because it annoys ds.

 

My son reminded me that I drive him nuts when I tell him not to look at me in that tone of voice. He is so literal and that phrase drives him bonkers.

[happypamama]

We quote the Princess Bride with some frequency. When you leave our house someone will usually say "Have fun storming the castle."

 

Monty Python makes an appearance with "Tis only a flesh wound"

 

Bro code from how I met your mother has been tossed about. Along with legen-wait for it -dery. Usually, because it annoys ds.

 

My son reminded me that I drive him nuts when I tell him not to look at me in that tone of voice. He is so literal and that phrase drives him bonkers.

Princess Bride, Monty Python, Tolkien, Arrested Development, and The LEGO Movie make frequent quote cameos at our house. The children haven't seen AD and have only seen small snippets of Monty Python, but they quote them anyway because dh and I quote them so much.

 

That could be a whole thread on its own.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Especially during the middle school years, I told my kids "don't act your age. ".

 

 

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[KungFuPanda]

"You're the waffle!" DH and I were arguing. I told him he was waffling. He accidentally replied with "you're the waffle." This is when we heard hysterical giggling from the other room, found out the kids were listening, and the whole family fell into a fit of laughter.

 

"No. No poochy woo." I actually said this to my kids when they KEPT paying attention to the puppy instead of their school work. Now THREE of them are sabotaging me. One kid was talking with the dog and calling him Poochy Woo. "No. No poochy woo." Was my response. They still repeat this phrase and that dog is ten now :-/

 

I said "Wantin' ain't gettin" a LOT when my kids were little in response to any whiny "I want _____" statements. They despise a lot of what they call my "country phrases" but this one is most hated.

[Barb_]

It's so funny how many times the ER thing has come up. I say it too and I always thought I'd made it up :lol:

 

Kid says, "Hey!" And I say B. C. D. EFG!

 

Kid says, "I have a question..." and I reply, "I'm fresh out of answers." (Why must they always announce it? Just ask the question, ugh)

 

I used to say, "I don't care, just don't set the house on fire" in response to the question, "what can we do when you're gone?" but I had to stop after one of my kids actually set the house on fire (insert wry smile)

[ondreeuh]

My husband is the one who has his catchphrases.

 

When someone is leaving: "Watch out for snakes!"

 

When someone asks what you are doing, when it is actually completely obvious: "Riding a bicycle."

 

When someone says, "So.....": "Sewing buttons. On horses."

 

Oh yeah, and when a kid is doing something dangerous, "Don't die. It's just so much paperwork." My 9 y/o has started using that occasionaly; I wonder what other kids would think.

 

I think this one is common. When someone says they are bored, I say, "Only boring people are bored," or "Hi Bored, I'm Andrea. It's nice to meet you."

Edited July 23, 2017 by ondreeuh

[Barb_]

I used to love it when my grandad would say things like, "I'll do it this week--the good lord willing and the creek don't rise," but could never pull them off without the accent.

[BarbecueMom]

Is anyone else morbidly curious about families that don't joke around like this? DH thinks I'm odd for dwelling on it, but I have a tendency to run into "gentle-serious" types and wonder if they're like that at home too. I know families who take the joking too far into almost verbally abusive territory, or are the "angry-not funny" type, but I'm weirdly fascinated with the ones on the other end that don't kid around because... they just don't ever think of it.

[kewb]

I think this one is common. When someone says they are bored, I say, "Only boring people are bored," or "Hi Bored, I'm Andrea. It's nice to meet you."

I haven't had to drag out the bored response in a long while. They must have been tired of me saying "boredom comes from within. If you are bored you must be a boring person." Edited July 23, 2017 by kewb

[PinkTulip]

When my kids tell me they're bored or need something to do, I tell them "I am not the cruise director!" and that they need to figure out their own entertainment and activities.

 

That's if I'm in a good mood. Otherwise, it's "go clean all the toilets."

[Carrie12345]

What's for dinner? Poison.

 

Hurt an extremity? You have more/another.

 

Don't end up like Larry.  (Larry is the kid we left at the grocery store, or the amusement park, or the Target bathroom or wherever we are that the kids are being so obnoxious we don't want to take them home with us.)

 

Where's Larry? (When we're trying to get a head count.)

 

Thanks, Dawn! (Whenever someone is "helpful" in a non-helpful way, coined for my mother, who is always "cleaning up" after people before they're done with something.)

 

You'll wake the baby! (Whenever people are getting too loud.   It's now used by family members in 3 states and 4 households, even though there's only 1 baby who isn't even really a baby anymore.)

[desertstrawberry5]

"I'm not asking. I'm telling." When they try to argue.

 

"I'll find you something to do," or " Do you need something to scrub? " when they get whiney.

 

"Look your eyes where you're going."

[AnniePoo]

"...our pets heads are falling off." From Dumb & Dumber. It comes out after complaints become excessive. I use it to make fun of myself too.

 

I've also been known to say, "eat your food, Tina." From Napoleon Dynamite.

 

Both go over their heads.

[KungFuPanda]

"That's what killed your brother Steve."

 

My sister's kids can be doing anything stupid, dangerous, or annoying and she'll tell them that THAT's how Steve died. There was never a Steve, much less a Steve with hundreds of lives to lose. It's a little morbid if you think about it too hard, but our family humor leans a bit to the dark side. I may or may not have been guilty of telling MY kids "That's what killed your cousin Steve."

[theelfqueen]

My mom said to my home-born 12 year old "Were you born in a barn?" And he quipped "Nah I was born over there" pointing to the spot.

 

We say "You walk in your feet, I'll walk on mine" when a kid steps on our toes.

 

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[theelfqueen]

Oh and DH's family gem is "If you're going to be dumn, you have to be tough" (ie if you hurt yourself acting foolishly ... suck it up)

 

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[Mimm]

Here that earns a "I don't have time to go to the finger/arm/leg store today."

 

I always say "Be careful, I don't have time for a trip to the ER today!"

 

I also say, "If you are going to do something stupid, be smart about it." It basically means don't compound a bad decision with more bad decisions. If you are going to drink as a teenager, at least don't drive. Etc.

 

We also say, "You can be arrogant, or ignorant, but not both at the same time." In other words, if you are going to walk around like you know what you're talking about, you better be right. If you don't know what you're talking about, no big deal, just be humble about it.

[rebcoola]

a couple of movie quotes come up a lot to "You're killing me smalls" from the Sandlot, whenever they do something exasperating.    "I'm going to make you girls strong/smart"  like Major Payne, whenever they whine that an activity is to hard.   "I am Groot" is the answer to every question I don't have or don't want to answer.

[Barb_]

Rebcoola, you just reminded me.

 

"There's no crying in baseBALL!!" Said with incredulous tone during irrational crying jags

[Tanaqui]

Oh and DH's family gem is "If you're going to be dumn, you have to be tough" (ie if you hurt yourself acting foolishly ... suck it up)

 

My mother says "If you can't have a quick mind, you'd better have strong legs" every time somebody forgets something and has to go back for it. We also have been known to say it when pointing at a house up on a hill - those people have 20, 30 steps to go from the street before they even get to their stoops, much less the bottom of their porches! It's all very picturesque, but we just shake our heads - you get down to the street and then you're bound to realize you left something crucial up on the third floor. No, thank you.

 

(And leaving things behind is the least of it. I know of somebody who tripped going down those stairs, while holding her baby. Everybody was fine, thank goodness, but it was an automatic visit from ACS just in case.)

 

[saraha]

When we are somewhere and I obviously don't have anything to drink "I'm thirsty"  "Here's my elbow"  "Moooomm."

 

It wasn't my day to babysit it- when something is missing

 

Strainer- when someone is talking with their mouth full

 

Nosey Rosey sat in a pie, nosey rosey started to cry, nosey rosey's mother said, nosey rosey, go to bed!- when they are asking things I don't want to answer, or eaves dropping,  I rarely make it through the whole rhyme before they are groaning, running away or covering their ears

 

Mommy Magic- in response to how did you do that?

 

Are you playing the game or are you fighting? You can't do both

 

It must be somewhere...

 

Night, love you, see you in the morning- every single night

 

Are you guys having a party up here?- when it is too noisy upstairs

 

I have been right all weekend, why should I stop now?

[KungFuPanda]

We found out TODAY that my son, who is 17 in a few days, has always thought the expression was:

 

Bleeding like a stuffed pig.

 

I fell out laughing, telling him it made no sense. My daughter just defends him saying the most of my "country sayings" don't make sense. How did they turn that one back on me?????

[Junie]

Sometimes the little girls will come into my room after their bedtime to complain that they can't sleep. 

 

I ask, "Do you know how to sleep standing up?"

 

"No."

 

"Then you're in the wrong place.  Go back to bed."

[RegGuheert]

These are great! I have to admit that I was really just trying to be funny in the OP when I talked about how we need to share these with each other. But there are an incredible number of clever quips that I want to steal and use. It's good they are written down since I won't remember many of them when I awaken in the morning.

 

Please keep 'em coming!

 

I have been right all weekend, why should I stop now?

My version of this when someone questions my accuracy is to ask: "So you've come here to prove me right again, have you?"

[Emba]

"If it was a snake it would bite you" - I say this when they're looking for something and its right under their nose. My dad always said it, too.

 

"Use your head before you use your mouth. " - when they've just said something that they would have known wasn't true or possible if they'd stopped to think it through.

[Mimm]

Oh, my mom used to say, "Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." Said when something wasn't that great... but it could have been worse. :)

[JudoMom]

When they're doing something dangerous and they assure me they won't get hurt, I reply with "No, you don't plan to get hurt.  There's a difference."


I also tell people the best way to parent five boys is with your eyes closed and the blinds shut.

[Barb_]

When they're doing something dangerous and they assure me they won't get hurt, I reply with "No, you don't plan to get hurt. There's a difference."

 

 

I also tell people the best way to parent five boys is with your eyes closed and the blinds shut.

:lol: Really that goes for a large number of any combination. My son had nothing on a couple of my daughters. Neighbors ask me, is she allowed to climb that tree, treehouse, ramada, etc? I respond, "only if you don't tell me about it."