Is this rude to ask?

[Barb_]

Sure, but is their life "richer" for it as well? Just wanting to appease your curiosity isn't a good enough reason to ask a personal question.

What I meant was, my life is richer for having shared my experiences. Which is why I choose to read questions addressed to me as curiosity and an attempt at connection rather than rudeness or intrusiveness.

[Barb_]

Ok, so sometimes you're nosy about another person because you see a possible similarity. What is the purpose of asking the question? Are you going to build on it with a relationship, or just pass 30 seconds of time with them? Is the other person in a position to leave freely if they don't want to pass the time on the topic? A cashier can't. So if the question is simple curiosity and wouldn't benefit them along with you, then choose a different topic of conversation that is neutral. Save the other types of connections for different situations.

How you react to questions is your business. But don't assume everyone feels the way you do. Shutting down conversation without an attempt to read meaning is also rude.

 

Some examples of questions I answer that other people might find offensive:

 

Are your children all from the same marriage?

Are you Mormon? Catholic?

How do you pay for all those weddings?

Were you trying for the boy?

Etc, etc.

 

I just assume that people want insight into others' lives and not everyone is a gifted conversationalist. I can count on one hand the times I ever felt judged or less than as opposed to just connecting with others on a human level and feeling like the other person came away with a deeper understanding of a lifestyle that's foreign to them.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Barb_

[Barb_]

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, assume kind intent. Be gentle with people. Consider everyone a work in progress. An angry response feels good in the moment but has never created understanding between people.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm from the greater PHX area. Almost everyone Gen X and older is from somewhere else.  It's so rare to find one, like me and my brother, that people are surprised and comment on it .  I don't know why, but they do. A high percentage of Millenials here are from somewhere else. "Where are you from?" is a standard question people ask here because the odds are high the answer is from somewhere else and it gets the conversation rolling.

Why someone would assume that's a question about heritage is something I don't understand. "What's your ethnic heritage/background?" is better because it's clear communication.  It's irritating to me when people don't say what they mean, like when people say, "How are you?" as they walk by and aren't listening for an answer.  I hate mindless chatter.  If you just mean hello as you walk by, they say hello as you walk by instead of sounding like a crazy person who asks people questions and walks away before they answer. 

"What are you?" is another bizarre phrasing for "What's your ethnic background/heritage?" Seriously, how inarticulate are some people and why are they teaching their kids to talk like this?  Was I not the only person raised to say what you mean and mean what you say? I intentionally made the person squirm who asked me this about my youngest, a Korean adoptee of about 18 months at the time  

Lady: "What is she?"

Me: (knowing what she was asking, by not willing to participate in nonsense so I paused uncomfortably long and with cheerful confusion in my voice and face)"What?"
Lady (louder) "What is she?"
Me: (looking even more confused by still being very cheerful) "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."
Lady: "What is she? You know, what country is she from?"
Me: (cheerfully and proudly) "Oh!  Is that what you meant?  She's from South Korea."

[Jean in Newcastle]

Then you have a ton of options how to choose to answer:

"I was born in x". "I grew up in y"." My folks are from all over the place". "I live in Z". "I've lived all over" "Hard to say... chuckle"....

 

Even as a person with a known, boring heritage, I have answered the question "Where are you from?" in different ways, depending on context:

"I'm from ____town-in the US".

"I'm from ____state in the US"

"I'm from Germany".

"I'm from __town in Germany".

"I'm from the US".

My original point was that I can choose to answer like above but if Dh tries to do the same he would be asked where he is "really " from. But no one asks me (a white woman) where I'm "really " from. Except when I told people that I was from Japan and that didn't fit their expectation any more than it fits some people's expectations that an Asian man could be "from " the US.

 

Neither Dh or I mind talking to people. I talk to people all the time. But we let people answer the way they want to. We let them share as much as they want. Many people share where they have come from- perhaps not in the checkout line but after a couple of conversations anyway. And we don't argue with their answers or come with preconceived ideas about what those answers should be.

 

The original question was why some people are offended by questions like this. And the answer is because sometimes this question is pushy. Not the question itself but the people asking it. And sometimes the question in how it is phrased comes with preconceived ideas already apparent. And sometimes those preconceived ideas (like "Asians can't be from the US") are offensive.

[kathkath]

I read it in the way you might answer "I'm from Ohio." What's the big deal?

[frogger]

I'm from the greater PHX area. Almost everyone Gen X and older is from somewhere else. It's so rare to find one, like me and my brother, that people are surprised and comment on it . I don't know why, but they do. A high percentage of Millenials here are from somewhere else. "Where are you from?" is a standard question people ask here because the odds are high the answer is from somewhere else and it gets the conversation rolling.

 

Why someone would assume that's a question about heritage is something I don't understand. "What's your ethnic heritage/background?" is better because it's clear communication. It's irritating to me when people don't say what they mean, like when people say, "How are you?" as they walk by and aren't listening for an answer. I hate mindless chatter. If you just mean hello as you walk by, they say hello as you walk by instead of sounding like a crazy person who asks people questions and walks away before they answer.

 

"What are you?" is another bizarre phrasing for "What's your ethnic background/heritage?" Seriously, how inarticulate are some people and why are they teaching their kids to talk like this? Was I not the only person raised to say what you mean and mean what you say? I intentionally made the person squirm who asked me this about my youngest, a Korean adoptee of about 18 months at the time

 

Lady: "What is she?"

Me: (knowing what she was asking, by not willing to participate in nonsense so I paused uncomfortably long and with cheerful confusion in my voice and face)"What?"

Lady (louder) "What is she?"

Me: (looking even more confused by still being very cheerful) "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."

Lady: "What is she? You know, what country is she from?"

Me: (cheerfully and proudly) "Oh! Is that what you meant? She's from South Korea."

 

 

 I probably would have answered "human" or "a little girl". :)  I haven't heard that phrase much so it may have taken a minute to register. 

 

Edited to Add:

 

I was thinking about times I have actually asked people about their ethnicity. I think my brother in law was actually married to my sister before I learned that he was specifically Korean. When I met him we talked about the house and plans and such not what his ethnicity was. I don't know why but it would have felt awkward to ask, like I was interrogating him for marrying my sister.   :)  Once I knew him and we shared meals with their family of course I knew.  I'm sure I've asked people before at some time but I can't remember when specifically.  The more I think about it the stranger it seems. 

 

"Where are you from?" to me is something I ask though when I see someone is new at church or the park. I ask if they are new to the area and if they are where they moved from but I probably use the phrase "Where are you from?" but also "Where did you move up from?" .  It also has a different meaning for military too. About half of new people I meet are military because I live close to a major base. They don't have to tell me everywhere they have been stationed in their whole life or the whole thing about not being "from" anywhere in particular as I'm usually just trying to make conversation and if they can make as much detail as they want and if they ask a question and I'll gladly talk about myself or where the best place to get pizza is. It is strange to use that phrase for asking about ethnicity. 

 

I'm wondering if this whole conversation is about two different questions now.

Edited June 1, 2017 by frogger

[Zinnia]

I happen to be on the Megabus right now. It's a question I have heard all night long, which is what spurred my interest in this post.

 

Likely it makes a difference who is asking. It's obvious on the Megabus that it's just conversation starter. It's a lot of hours to ride within inches of a lot of people. And megabus attracts a mostly minority (we are the only white people on the bus), as well as a lot of people who speak other languages. People are headed to see grandma's and grandchildren. My little boy has on a hat and shirt of two different sports teams, and people want to know which he likes better. Are you from there?

 

I have not asked anyone the question tonight :D , just enjoyed the conversations that resulted.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Zinnia

[DawnM]

I remember once when we were in line at DisneyWorld for a ride and this family with 3 adorable girls, from China, were also in line.  My husband went up to them and asked where their girls were from.  The woman very rudely replied, "They are from Pittsburgh!"  DH doesn't always get social rudeness and said, "No, I mean are they from China?"  She was quite irritated at this point and said, "They are ours and they are from Pittsburgh!"

 

I finally yanked my own Chinese child from behind me in line and leaned over and said, "He honestly isn't trying to be rude, we adopted from China and love meeting other families who have adopted from China."

 

She immediately calmed down and said, "Oh, they are from Hunan Province and we went over in 2008 to get them and they are from XX Orphanage" and she went on and on.

 

I told DH right then that we can't get that upset if people ask us.  Most are simply just curious. 

 

On another note I asked a woman recently where she was from as she looked Ethiopian.  I grew up in Kenya, I genuinely was interested.  I offended her greatly apparently, even after I explained why I was asking.  

 

Whatever.  People get their panties in a wad over many things.  Some people ARE being rude when they ask, but most just have a genuine interest.

[DawnM]

Yes, it can be rude. This illustrates it.

 

I don't think it's _always_ rude. Really depends on context, tone, etc. Usually when people say it to me I figure it's because I was not born in the South and have less of a Southern accent than some of the people around me. I am half Mexican, but I think most people just think I'm a white girl with really dark hair.

 

I was just going to post this. I love this one~

[SKL]

Well if you think about it, it is pretty normal and acceptable to ask "personal questions" of friends and strangers all day long.  Perhaps we just shouldn't talk at all.

 

"How are you doing?"  NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PERIMENOPAUSAL BLEEDING!

 

At a funeral or wedding or other similar event: "how did/do you know Wally?"  IF YOU MUST KNOW, WE HAD A COUPLE ONE NIGHT STANDS BEFORE HE MARRIED THAT WITCH!

 

"So how are your children these days?"  PRETTY BAD!  ONE IS ON THE VERGE OF FLUNKING AND I JUST FOUND CONDOMS IN THE OTHER ONE'S BAG!

 

"Have you been to the new restaurant on 4th Street?"  HELL NO, MY BROTHER IN LAW WORKS THERE AND HE IS A PIG!

 

"Did you try the punch?"  NO YOU IDIOT I'M AN ALCOHOLIC ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE??

 

I mean is any question really safe?  :p

Edited June 1, 2017 by SKL

[Carrie12345]

Context does matter.  But it also doesn't hurt anyone to TRY to avoid making people uncomfortable.  Does everyone always succeed in every situation? No.  It just doesn't make any sense to me that people think it's a bigger burden to at least attempt to be considerate than it is for someone else to be constantly bombarded by the same thing, over and over.

 

Silly story:  I took a relative to lunch once, looking to be supportive about her pregnancy. Being that she was over 30 and in a relationship, I figured it was idle chit chat to ask what her boyfriend did. That resulted in a very awkward rambling about making some t-shirts and selling them once in a while.

 

I don't ask that question anymore!

[Danestress]

I think what happens is that people get asked a question over and over and it becomes tiresome. A person asking, "Where are you from," is probably just making conversation and has no ill intent. But a person who has been asked that question six times this week can get annoyed - especially if it's one of the first questions people ask, implying that is the most interesting thing about them.

 

When someone is checking out groceries, for example, there's lots of questions you could ask if you want to show interest in them.

 

"How is your day going?"

"Have you been able to enjoy this beautiful day at all?"

"I don't think I have seen you here before, are you new?"

 

And of course, no question is necessary. You can make all kinds of comments that don't require an answer. When I had baby twins people asked me questions all the time. It didn't bother me so much, but I know a lot of my friends in my Mom of Multiples club found it pretty irritating. One person at the grocery asking if the babies are identical, if they were full term, if they run in the family, is no big deal. But when it's part of every outing, every day, it can annoy the Mom.

 

I don't think it's necessarily rude to ask where someone is from, but I think it's important to recognize that people don't necessarily want to talk to strangers, don't necessarily want to answer any questions about themselves, and if they are happy to engage, probably would like to not have that be the first topic.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Danestress

[Bluegoat]

Two friends who are "university professors" may have incomes that easily differ by a factor of three or four. (Unless they go into details about college, subject, and rank, you would not know.)

Of three friends who are "self employed making jewelry and small sculptures", one earns a few extra bucks to supplement her husband's income, the second is the breadwinner for a family of six,  and the third employs 20 people.

 

The job doesn't tell you anything about their income.

 

ETA: Nor does "I stay home to homeschool my children" as an answer to "What do you do?" allow any inference about the family's financial situation, as reading on this board should make abundantly clear.

 

But then, I don't normally encounter people who would care how much money somebody makes. That seems to be an odd thing to want to know.

 

Anyway, who cares if one person (a waitress, say) makes a lot less money than, say, a CEO?  The idea that assessing that is the main reason to ask what people do, even if it makes the income totally obvious, is very odd to me.

[Bluegoat]

I think what happens is that people get asked a question over and over and it becomes tiresome. A person asking, "Where are you from," is probably just making conversation and has no ill intent. But a person who has been asked that question six times this week can get annoyed - especially if it's one of the first questions people ask, implying that is the most interesting thing about them.

 

When someone is checking out groceries, for example, there's lots of questions you could ask if you want to show interest in them.

 

"How is your day going?"

"Have you been able to enjoy this beautiful day at all?"

"I don't think I have seen you here before, are you new?"

 

And of course, no question is necessary. You can make all kinds of comments that don't require an answer. When I had baby twins people asked me questions all the time. It didn't bother me so much, but I know a lot of my friends in my Mom of Multiples club found it pretty irritating. One person at the grocery asking if the babies are identical, if they were full term, if they run in the family, is no big deal. But when it's part of every outing, every day, it can annoy the Mom.

 

I don't think it's necessarily rude to ask where someone is from, but I think it's important to recognize that people don't necessarily want to talk to strangers, don't necessarily want to answer any questions about themselves, and if they are happy to engage, probably would like to not have that be the first topic.

 

Yeah, it's true the same questions get tiring.

 

That is kind of the nature of small-talk though.  You don't know someone, so you ask about something pretty general or that could lead to a bigger conversation, you look for clues about what they might be interested in or make a guess based on their age or whatever.

 

I get asked about my kids 95% of the time these days.  I sometimes feel at the hairdresser that's all I ever talk about.  When I was in university I worked at a hotdog cart, and I swear 5 times a day someone would see me eating a hotdog and their opening line would be "you're eating the profits!" 

 

If you have to think too much about small-talk, it doesn't really serve it's function all that well.  It used to be people were told the best rule of thumb was to ask people about themselves if you don't know what else to say - it shows you are an interested and caring listener and it is something most know something about.

[Scarlett]

I remember once when we were in line at DisneyWorld for a ride and this family with 3 adorable girls, from China, were also in line. My husband went up to them and asked where their girls were from. The woman very rudely replied, "They are from Pittsburgh!" DH doesn't always get social rudeness and said, "No, I mean are they from China?" She was quite irritated at this point and said, "They are ours and they are from Pittsburgh!"

 

I finally yanked my own Chinese child from behind me in line and leaned over and said, "He honestly isn't trying to be rude, we adopted from China and love meeting other families who have adopted from China."

 

She immediately calmed down and said, "Oh, they are from Hunan Province and we went over in 2008 to get them and they are from XX Orphanage" and she went on and on.

 

I told DH right then that we can't get that upset if people ask us. Most are simply just curious.

 

On another note I asked a woman recently where she was from as she looked Ethiopian. I grew up in Kenya, I genuinely was interested. I offended her greatly apparently, even after I explained why I was asking.

 

Whatever. People get their panties in a wad over many things. Some people ARE being rude when they ask, but most just have a genuine interest.

This is pretty much the conclusion I have come to, just because some people think a question is rude doesn't mean it is to others. And if I ask a question of a person who thinks my question is rude or intrusive they are free to not answer or tell me they don't want to say.

 

And if people become pushy with their questions I think anyone should shut them down.

 

But I just can't live my life fearing that anything I might say in friendly banter might be considered rude by some people.

[Word Nerd]

Context does matter.  But it also doesn't hurt anyone to TRY to avoid making people uncomfortable.  Does everyone always succeed in every situation? No.  It just doesn't make any sense to me that people think it's a bigger burden to at least attempt to be considerate than it is for someone else to be constantly bombarded by the same thing, over and over.

 

I think most people already do attempt to be considerate and not intentionally make people uncomfortable.

[Carrie12345]

I think most people already do attempt to be considerate and not intentionally make people uncomfortable.

 

I don't know.  All the resentment I'm hearing doesn't sound very considerate.

[VaKim]

Oh, good Lord! Why don't we just make a law that says people are not allowed to speak to each other in public at all if they don't know each other? That should cover everything pretty well. 

 

I didn't read all the responses. Just tired of every single thing you say being possibly "insensitive" or "rude" these days. It is getting ridiculous!

[SproutMamaK]

On a case by case basis, I don't think it's rude for each person as individuals to ask about someone's heritage in the context of genuinely wanting to get to know someone better. It's not a question of it being racist or aggressive. 

BUT

When I'm trying to get to know someone who's the same race as I am, I ask about what they do, what they enjoy, what their kids are like (if they have them), etc. I try to get to know who they are as people, and I enjoy the back and forth of a conversation about those sorts of things. If a person is a non-majority race and keeps getting questions like, "where are you from?" "What's your heritage?" etc, they are not being recognized for who they are. Imagine how tiring it would be to have the women at homeschooling group ask you "Where are you from?" and then turn around and ask the white woman beside you, "So what do you like to do?" And then imagine that happening a hundred times. While not rude on it's surface, it has the effect of consistently, insidiously leaving a person reduced to their heritage, or at least left with the impression that their heritage is the most important thing about them. When taken as a question posed by an individual, it's not necessarily rude. When taken as a question repetitively used in the initial stages of introduction, it amounts to a perpetual "othering" by society en masse.

[SKL]

 It used to be people were told the best rule of thumb was to ask people about themselves if you don't know what else to say - it shows you are an interested and caring listener and it is something most know something about.

 

Yes - this used to be taught as etiquette.  Now I don't know what etiquette is any more.  Yes I know some people don't want to talk about themselves when I happen to cross paths with them.  But again, context matters.  Usually when this comes up for me, we're in a social gathering where people should expect to talk about themselves.  This is really a required part of life, even for extreme introverts like me who would rather cut their arm off so they would have an excuse to exit fast.  :P  I spent decades learning how to force myself to deal with this normal level of socializing that is expected of everyone outside of a mental institution.  And now I'm told this is all wrong.

 

No, really I think this "don't ask personal questions" is more of a fad.  I will not teach my kids that.  How the heck are they going to get along professionally or socially if they neither ask nor answer mundane questions?

 

[Tanaqui]

Oh, good Lord! Why don't we just make a law that says people are not allowed to speak to each other in public at all if they don't know each other? That should cover everything pretty well. 

 

I didn't read all the responses. Just tired of every single thing you say being possibly "insensitive" or "rude" these days. It is getting ridiculous!

 

That sounds wonderful. If thinking before you speak and listening to what people say is so offensive to you, then you should definitely start following that rule immediately.

 

And on the subject of people "having chips on their shoulders" or "taking offense" or "always assuming the worst" - take a good look at this thread. There are two groups of posters. One group is calmly explaining their position, again and again and again. The other group is using exclamation points, resorting to the slippery slope fallacy, and using insulting terms like "ridiculous" or "oversensitive" to describe the first group.

 

Take the words out of it. Which group looks more angry? Which looks like they think their feelings are the only ones that matter?

Edited June 1, 2017 by Tanaqui

[SKL]

Interesting, the need to find polarity in this discussion.  "There are two groups here.  Which one is selfish and obnoxious?"

[Word Nerd]

There are two groups of posters. One group is calmly explaining their position, again and again and again. The other group is using exclamation points, resorting to the slippery slope fallacy, and using insulting terms like "ridiculous" or "oversensitive" to describe the first group.

 

 

I call BS on that—quite calmly.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Danestress]

Yeah, it's true the same questions get tiring.

 

If you have to think too much about small-talk, it doesn't really serve it's function all that well. It used to be people were told the best rule of thumb was to ask people about themselves if you don't know what else to say - it shows you are an interested and caring listener and it is something most know something about.

Yeah, it's true. But I think given a number of people who find it rude, I can easily expand my conversational 'Best Practices' list.

 

Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant;

 

Don't say 'you look tired' to someone over 40, unless you are close enough to them that you plan to help them out by doing the dishes, babysitting her kids, etc;

 

Don't ask, "Are they all yours?' To an adult with a number of kids;

 

Don't ask people speaking accented English where they are from if you aren't already engaged in a reasonably friendly conversation with them.

 

That leaves a ton of other things to small talk about.

[Scarlett]

That sounds wonderful. If thinking before you speak and listening to what people say is so offensive to you, then you should definitely start following that rule immediately.

 

And on the subject of people "having chips on their shoulders" or "taking offense" or "always assuming the worst" - take a good look at this thread. There are two groups of posters. One group is calmly explaining their position, again and again and again. The other group is using exclamation points, resorting to the slippery slope fallacy, and using insulting terms like "ridiculous" or "oversensitive" to describe the first group.

 

Take the words out of it. Which group looks more angry? Which looks like they think their feelings are the only ones that matter?

 

 

I don't see anger.  At all.  I know for a fact I am not in the least bit angry.  The fact is SOME people find SOME questions rude/insensitive/too personal.  Not all people do. So I will keep being myself and if I run into a person who thinks my questions or comments are rude/insensitive/too personal I imagine I will quickly pick up on that and the conversation will not go any further.  Otherwise I will continue to enjoy my life talking to a bunch of different people.

[wintermom]

 

If you have to think too much about small-talk, it doesn't really serve it's function all that well.  It used to be people were told the best rule of thumb was to ask people about themselves if you don't know what else to say - it shows you are an interested and caring listener and it is something most know something about.

 

I think this might be one of the easiest, and it's certainly one that people use a lot, but I don't think it's always the best.  You can show genuine interest in a person by talking about something more neutral first, and then offer up some of your own personal details. You don't have to start asking about theirs. Let them offer details after you have set a mood of "we are similar."  

 

This is what sales people do, they look for similarities, and go out of their way to emphasize the similar. They might ask a neutral question and then look for the similar. They don't emphasize the differences. People can use this kind of idea even when they are not trying to sell something. 

[wintermom]

I'd be interested to know if the same people who don't think it's an issue to ask, "Where are you from?" are also the same people who post, "How do I dress in Europe so that I don't stand out as an American tourist?"  

 

Maybe they could examine the concept of why it's desirable to be able to blend in with one's surroundings?

Edited June 1, 2017 by wintermom

[Arcadia]

It used to be people were told the best rule of thumb was to ask people about themselves if you don't know what else to say - it shows you are an interested and caring listener and it is something most know something about.

I am not into small talk. However at a conference or similar events, families were invited to tag along and there were family events planned for the attendees. So if I want to make small talk, I could always introduce myself first as a tag along and see how the other person respond. The attendees have name tags so who are the tag along guests are obvious.

 

For old (long time) acquaintances, I think people can sense if the other person is in a chatty mood for small talk or prefer to not talk. Like the librarians would sometimes come over and chat as they know my kids since they were babies. They also know when I just want to not have to talk.

 

It is like "How do you do?" is a greeting and not a question so a person can stay and launch into a conversation or just return a greeting and move off.

Edited June 1, 2017 by Arcadia

[heartlikealion]

What I think some people fail to understand is those kind of "icebreaker" questions get asked ALL THE TIME in totally homogeneous settings. The "what are you?" of my youth when the answer was going to be some European ethnicity, the "what do you do?" when the answer is some sort of white collar professional occupation, etc., etc. It's only now that our society has become more diverse that innocent questions are now seen as fraught with assumed negative intent and seen as "rude".

 

 

I don't ask it these days because people like some of those mentioned on this thread read negative intent into it. Even though as I mentioned several times already, "What are you?" was a typical icebreaker where I grew up among almost exclusively European-American folks. I had an Irish maiden name, so I didn't get that particular question, but would get asked if I was Irish. My uncle-by-marriage is Polish but his surname got Anglicized when his family immigrated so he used to get the "what are you?" question.

 

Nobody treated anybody differently based on the answer. It's just innocent making conversation.

 

Maybe because like you said the people asking/being asked were almost all similar already. I have experienced being asked things in a judgy way so I don't think the questions are always innocent. I don't always mind when people ask certain things but I do understand it from either point of view. Like if someone asked me where I went to college I might brace myself because my alma mater is not as well liked around here.

[marbel]

Maybe because like you said the people asking/being asked were almost all similar already. I have experienced being asked things in a judgy way so I don't think the questions are always innocent. I don't always mind when people ask certain things but I do understand it from either point of view. Like if someone asked me where I went to college I might brace myself because my alma mater is not as well liked around here.

 

I know this is such a trivial question in this thread, but I am fascinated by this.  What does that mean?   Like, there's a big football rivalry?  Or your school had some scandal attached to it?  

 

Hard to imagine having to brace myself for such a question.  And I did not to to an impressive school.  

[LucyStoner]

I was one of the people who gave what I thought was a rude example. Someone asked my husband where "his people" were from. If they had asked "what is your ethnicity" it wouldn't have been as rude. He thought of replying that "his people were the Newcastle 'Smiths'" but instead answered politely. But it rankled. No one asked me where "my people" were from and I didn't grow up in this country. But he has brown skin and I don't. And he has no ethnic accent at all. And he grew up in this country and I didn't.

This.

[LucyStoner]

This is pretty much where I am coming to. I try hard to be a nice person. In fact, sometimes, I am almost too nice and that means I don't always stand up for myself. But, if I am trying to be nice, and I ask a question like "where are you from?" or "are they all yours?" or "are you married?" in the course of a normal conversation...I am just doing it to make conversation. At some point, to quote my sister, who I am sure got this from somewhere else...

 

"Offense is taken, not given."

 

I do not, have not, and will not deliberately give offense to anyone and try to be considerate of everyone. I expect the same from others and if someone is going to take offense at my genuine good intentions, well that's on them.

You think that asking someone if all of their children "are theirs" is a neutral question?

 

Why not just ask "how many children do you have?"

[regentrude]

I am curious what the background is of the people who find this question offensive.

 

60% of my immediate colleagues are first generation immigrants who came to the US as adults. I have never encountered this sentiment in anybody who is actually from some place else and is identified because they have an accent. "Where are you from?" is typically the first question that is asked when meeting somebody new.

 

As an American citizen who was born elsewhere, I still don't get what is insulting about the question, and why it matters so much whether your ancestors came here a few years earlier or later. If you find the question offensive, do you consider later arrivals as inferior and resent the implication that you're an immigrant because that's somehow insulting to a person who was born here?

Edited June 1, 2017 by regentrude

[Sneezyone]

I am curious what the background is of the people who find this question offensive.

 

60% of my immediate colleagues are first generation immigrants who came to the US as adults. I have never encountered this sentiment in anybody who is actually from some place else and is identified because they have an accent. "Where are you from?" is typically the first question that is asked when meeting somebody new.

 

As an American citizen who was born elsewhere, I still don't get what is insulting about the question, and why it matters so much whether your ancestors came here a few years earlier or later. If you find the question offensive, do you consider later arrivals as inferior and resent the implication that you're an immigrant because that's somehow insulting to a person who was born here?

 

The question is typically most offensive to those who were born in the location/country where they are being asked this question and there's nothing about them other than appearance that might indicate they came from somewhere else. It has absolutely nothing to do with who immigrated when and everything to do with people assuming native born individuals can't come in a variety of ethnicities. I, for example, don't know a damn thing about Africa so it would bother me for people to constantly dig for that as an answer to 'Where are you from?'

Edited June 1, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Arcadia]

As an American citizen who was born elsewhere, I still don't get what is insulting about the question, and why it matters so much whether your ancestors came here a few years earlier or later.

It is offensive if the only people asked are those that don't look like African American, Mexican or Caucasian. The Caucasian looking people are asked only when they speak French, German, Italian and people are curious. It is selective asking.

[wintermom]

This is pretty much where I am coming to.  I try hard to be a nice person.  In fact, sometimes, I am almost too nice and that means I don't always stand up for myself.  But, if I am trying to be nice, and I ask a question like "where are you from?" or "are they all yours?" or "are you married?" in the course of a normal conversation...I am just doing it to make conversation.  At some point, to quote my sister, who I am sure got this from somewhere else...

 

"Offense is taken, not given." 

 

I do not, have not, and will not deliberately give offense to anyone and try to be considerate of everyone.  I expect the same from others and if someone is going to take offense at my genuine good intentions, well that's on them. 

 

I really think that this is a more wide-reaching cultural issue. What constitutes "being a nice person" in public in your home country, may be very different that "being a nice person" in another country and culture. 

 

My dh used to teach high school at a catchment school for new immigrants. When he was "being nice" by telling a male student to pick a different computer and not push the female student off that computer, what he didn't realize was that the female student then got huge grief at home for not moving for the male student immediately. Dh inadvertently caused a problem, which was later explained to him. Sure, in our North American culture, it's first-come-first-choice in many situations. This isn't the case in all cultures. We can try to force our culture on others, especially when they've voluntarily moved to our country, but life isn't always that simple. 

 

 

Edited June 1, 2017 by wintermom

[SKL]

I used to brace myself about some questions too ... I come from a poor family who could not afford to help me with higher education, other than letting me live at home and share their car.  Therefore I attended whatever I could drive to for undergrad.  My degree was "bachelor of general studies" because it was the only degree I could get without moving to a campus.  (It was also recommended as a pre-law option.)  Bachelor of General Studies at Unimpressive State University sounds like the special needs track, doesn't it?  Is that even a thing?  So yeah - not my favorite question in professional gatherings, but I figured out how to answer it without sounding like a dweeb.  :P

 

And here's one I used to get from foreign grad students all the time.  "What does your father do?"  (Note that I'm in my 20s and I have both a mom and a dad.)  Now that used to annoy me.  What does my dad's job have to do with anything?  Well it's pretty much everything where they come from.  So ... the answer is ... my dad works in a factory.  He just got his 2-year engineering degree the same time I got my bachelor's degree.  So, I'm told, the correct answer is that my dad is an engineer.  "Oh, what kind of engineer?"  They are now thinking aerospace or something.  Nope.  "Electrical engineer."  "Oh where does he work?"  They are thinking maybe GE or someplace.  Nope.  Some old factory in Podunk Midwest.  :P  Well-meaning friends coached me to sanitize my answers so they would sound less embarrassing to respectable people.  Yeah, anyone want to know what my mom does?  How about what I have done / plan on doing?

[wathe]

WYAF as code for "what kind of asian are you?" totally a thing that Asian Canadians have to deal with regularly.  Consider googling "is where are you from racist" or "why is where are you from racist" and you will be able to read multiple North American Asian experiences with this. 

 

The trouble is, WYAF can also be an appropriate, non-racist question too.  It's all about the context.

 

In a social situation where lots of folks from lots of places are getting to know one another (conference, flight, resort) everyone gets asked this question and that's totally appropriate.  As long as the asker accepts the answer the askee chooses to provide.  It becomes racist in this situation when the asker doesn't accept the answer provided and keeps asking more variations of WAYF, fishing for an origin story.  And only does this to the person of colour in the group (again, it's different if we are all getting friendly and all swapping origin stories.  But that's not what usually happens.  Usually the asian is singled out.)

 

In a situation where the POC is singled out with WAYF (and noboldy else gets asked the question), the asian askee will interpret the intent as "what kind of asian are you?"  Because usually that's what's actually meant.  And the person being asked has dealt with this eighty bajillion times alrealdy, has pretty good radar for this, and is annoyed. 

 

When people ask me WAYF, it's always of the socially appropriate variety.  When I answer *Canadian City*, it's always accepted and the conversation moves on.  I am white.  DH (asian) gets asked more often, and it slides into racist territory pretty often.  If he answers *Canadian City* he will often get a pause.  Which will often lead into another variation of WAYF.  The whiter the group/community, the more often it happens.  He has subconsciously developed a defense mechanism:  He answers WAYF with "*Canadian City*, born and raised".  Politely shutting down further inquiry.  He didn't consciously realize he was doing this until the related "What are you" issue started to come up with our kids, and he supplied them with "Canadian, born and raised."

 

 

 

Edited June 1, 2017 by wathe

[SKL]

It is offensive if the only people asked are those that don't look like African American, Mexican or Caucasian. The Caucasian looking people are asked only when they speak French, German, Italian and people are curious. It is selective asking.

 

Generally it seems that if a person doesn't have a non-local accent, most people would assume the person is local and why would you ask a local person "where are you from"?  It would be like asking a 40yo "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

 

I get that some people say they've gotten this question regardless of accent.  I can see that happening where people of that race are a rarity, though I still think most people would have the sense to at least approach the inquiry differently in that case.  Like "have you always lived in ___?"  And then it's up to the other person to give the amount of information they like, or change the subject.

[LucyStoner]

If it comes up in the normal course of conversation, yes. Why? Because someone with 6 kids may be babysitting a nephew or two. I have 4 of my own, and have been asked this myself. I have also been asked if they are all my husbands. Well, legally, yes.....and I am absolutely in no way offended. Because I understand when someone is asking is just asking as part of the conversation. That's what I consider being considerate of others. They aren't TRYING to offend me or be rude when asking.

 

I am also not offended if people ask if DD6 has ASD (which people seem to be more nervous of asking about vs whether or not all my kids are my husbands.) I am not offended when people ask about my curly hair and if I hate it. (it's super ultra mega curly...I usually wear it up, but when it's down, I get a bazillion questions.) I am not offended when people ask me about my VERY Polish last name.

 

When people ask these questions, I consider where the intent is coming from. Are they making conversation? Were we already talking about the difficulties of a large family? What tone are they using, etc etc etc. Intent matters. I would never, and have never approached a complete and total stranger out of the blue and asked questions like this. But if we are standing around at Meijer waiting for each of our kid to take a turn at the horse and 2 of my kids plus 1 on the horse, and her 3 kids who are waiting are all playing and joking and getting a bit rowdy I might very well ask, in the course of our conversation. And......she might ask the same. Or she might say how old are they. And I say "4, 6, 8, and then my oldest is 21 and up at college." And then her eyes get a bit bigger and she says "that's a big age gap, is there a reason?" And I might say something like "yeah, 6yrs of IF..." yada yada yada.

 

It's all about the situation and intent. And if the situation goes there and the intent is benign....no offense taken. None given.

What does one learn from "are all of them yours?" that you wouldn't also learn from "how many children do you have?" I've seen the former question asked where it was quite intrusive and hurtful to adoptive families, blended families and mixed race families.

 

I have two children in my care a lot, my niece and nephew, who are African American and Puerto Rican. My sons and I are white. It is not just harmless curiosity when people ask how it is possible that we are related or, assuming that they are all my kids, make remarks as to how many fathers my children have. Especially when I don't know the questioner from Adam and they literally walk up to me just to puzzle out what is up with the four kids in my charge. THIS NEVER HAPPENS if the extra kids in my charge that day are white. If I'm sitting there, minding my own damn business, perhaps trying to set out a picnic or read a book, I promise you it makes no one's life better to walk up to me and without any introduction ask me if all these kids are "mine".

 

Frankly I feel like at the very best, these sorts of questions are the provanence of nosy people with shitty conversational skills. If it was really just color blind curiosity, it wouldn't only happen people see my white sons with their brown cousins. My sons and my niece and nephew all have the same biological grandmother. They look more alike than my sons look like two white boys I babysit from time to time...no one asks me if I adopted those little white boys or speculates on how many fathers my kids have then.

Edited June 1, 2017 by LucyStoner

[poppy]

This is pretty much the conclusion I have come to, just because some people think a question is rude doesn't mean it is to others. And if I ask a question of a person who thinks my question is rude or intrusive they are free to not answer or tell me they don't want to say.

 

And if people become pushy with their questions I think anyone should shut them down.

 

But I just can't live my life fearing that anything I might say in friendly banter might be considered rude by some people.

 

Sure.  But if people, multiple people, let you know that a particular question is problematic, is it really such a burden to avoid it? That one specific line of questioning?

[marbel]

The question is typically most offensive to those who were born in the location/country where they are being asked this question and there's nothing about them other than appearance that might indicate they came from somewhere else. It has absolutely nothing to do with who immigrated when and everything to do with people assuming native born individuals can't come in a variety of ethnicities. I, for example, don't know a damn thing about Africa so it would bother me for people to constantly dig for that as an answer to 'Where are you from?'

 

This makes me wonder where this sort of thing happens to people.  

 

I've lived all my life in diverse metropolitan areas on either east or west coast.   I can't comprehend the notion that there are people who think someone who is not white must come from another country.  (Please note that I said "can't comprehend" not "I disagree with.")    It makes no sense to me, but I wonder if that's because of where I've lived.   

[wintermom]

If I don't KNOW what is rude or not in other cultures...then I don't know.  Can't help that.  IF I know there's something going on like that, I would try to be considerate of that.

 

Thing is, I expect the same of someone of another culture.  I expect that someone who is from a culture not mine to recognize that I can't know everything and that what I did was not out of a desire to give offense but rather a lack of understanding.

 

 

Having said that, I can't say I have much sympathy for a culture that treats females as second class. 

 

Sure, you can't know that the body language for "no" in Japan is not a shake of the head if you've never encountered someone directly from Japan. But now that conversations like this have popped up and you've seen people respond that direct questioning about where they come from based on their looks and accent can be annoying, I'd expect that you can no longer say, "I don't know whether this question can be annoying." Now you know. It does become tiring and annoying to some people, whether you meant it to be or not. 

 

Re: sympathy for other cultures: Usually the ones in power positions aren't asking for your sympathy. It's the ones getting picked on who could use some understanding so that you don't inadvertently place them in a position of getting hurt again. 

[heartlikealion]

You think that asking someone if all of their children "are theirs" is a neutral question?

 

Why not just ask "how many children do you have?"

 

I assumed she meant if she physically saw a group of kids with the person. But I would still hesitate to ask that question. Does it sound like I mean biologically, legally, etc. I figured she would be asking to clarify if some of the kids were just friends or relatives tagging along.

 

I know this is such a trivial question in this thread, but I am fascinated by this.  What does that mean?   Like, there's a big football rivalry?  Or your school had some scandal attached to it?  

 

Hard to imagine having to brace myself for such a question.  And I did not to to an impressive school.  

 

Lol. I think it's more like the further north you go, the more popular some of the other state colleges are. Around here you always see sports symbols/decals/cups/etc. for the other schools, but not ours. I think the other schools are more expensive and at least one of them has this "rich/snooty" association (real or imagined).

Edited June 1, 2017 by heartlikealion

[SKL]

Speaking of "are those kids yours" - here's something I get at restaurants with my kids.  About weekly, 5 of us go out to eat.  My South Asian friend, my two girls who are indiginous to Central America, and myself and another woman who are of European descent.  My kids are 10, but one could pass for younger I guess.  Anyhoo, kid orders and the waitress will ask "the parent" if it's OK.  I, as the parent, say it's fine.  Waitress asks and I answer a couple more times until finally my South Asian friend agrees it is OK.

 

I get why this happens.  I am 100% sure nobody is attempting to be rude.  However, I think it could be an opportunity for better training.  For one thing, it bugs my kids, who don't appreciate the assumption that the nearest brown-skinned person has to be their mom.  (My sugar-challenged kid is already crabby when she's hungry, so she has been known to pipe up with "SHE's my mom," pointing at me, which is also kind of awkward.)

[heartlikealion]

Speaking of "are those kids yours" - here's something I get at restaurants with my kids.  About weekly, 5 of us go out to eat.  My South Asian friend, my two girls who are indiginous to Central America, and myself and another woman who are of European descent.  My kids are 10, but one could pass for younger I guess.  Anyhoo, kid orders and the waitress will ask "the parent" if it's OK.  I, as the parent, say it's fine.  Waitress asks and I answer a couple more times until finally my South Asian friend agrees it is OK.

 

I get why this happens.  I am 100% sure nobody is attempting to be rude.  However, I think it could be an opportunity for better training.  For one thing, it bugs my kids, who don't appreciate the assumption that the nearest brown-skinned person has to be their mom.  (My sugar-challenged kid is already crabby when she's hungry, so she has been known to pipe up with "SHE's my mom," pointing at me, which is also kind of awkward.)

 

I think if I was your friend I would stop playing along and tell the waitress, "don't look at me, I'm not the mom." lol

 

[wathe]

Found this googling around:  A Toronto based activism program for asian identified youth calls itself (brace yorselves...) WAYF.  Because it is a unifying experience that all have dealt with over and over and over............

Edited June 1, 2017 by wathe

[SKL]

But - be honest - don't people from other places also ask others "where are you from" (or its equivalent)?  Because I see that happening all the time.  Yes I understand that they have that in common with other immigrants, but I'm not sure I agree that you have to have something in common before you're allowed to venture near that topic in pleasant conversation.  That would mean a childless person is never allowed to ask parents about their kids, a SAHM isn't allowed to ask a career person about his/her job, etc.  That just seems counterproductive in a diverse society.

[zaichiki]

I love to know people's stories, no matter if they were born in the town we're in right now or anywhere else in the world. But I don't ask about it directly because I know the question can be complicated or tiresome for many people (like my own children). Most of the time, the topic comes up in longer conversations when I get to know the person better. I have an Korean-American friend here whose ethnicity I know from chatting with her for a while in different settings. A few months ago, I met a woman who emigrated from the USSR to Argentina to the US. You wouldn't know just by looking at her and talking to her for five minutes that she wasn't born her her country of citizenship, but because we talked for an hour, it came up naturally in the conversation and I was able to hear her whole story. A friend of mine whose grandparents emigrated from Armenia has an Armenian first name name, so when I met her the first time, I asked if her name was Armenian and that opened up a conversation into her background.

 

In other words, if you really want to know, get to know the person and let them choose what they tell you.

 <3  I agree with Amira: I won't ask directly unless I already really know the person and there is the beginnings of a friendship/trust there.

(I bristle at strangers asking personal details of me.)

 

I might love to know, but I also have to respect that just because I want to know something doesn't mean I necessarily have the right to infringe upon some stranger's privacy.

 

Maybe that perspective comes from being from the American Northeast?  (I know that people in the north really appreciate privacy and it's generally seen as more respectful to give that and not "interrupt" strangers with conversation. In the south, it's more culturally respectful to make small talk and acknowledge strangers in public. Strange how opposite behaviors show respect in different places, huh?)