Vent - schedule conflict with DH

[ktgrok]

So, last year DH got to go to two big back to back tech conferences...Black Hat and DefCon, in Las Vegas. He'd always wanted to go, and his work paid for most of it. This year, he's been encouraged to submit a talk to Black Hat, and is looking forward to going. Fine. 

 

Except....the Romance Writers Of America conference is the same weekend!!!!!!!!  I have NOT gone to this before, as we just couldn't justify the expense...it was in San Diego last year and I'm in Florida. The year before was New York. This year, it's in Orlando. I live in Orlando. I've been waiting 2 years to go to this. I'll finally get to meet my agent and editor in person! Attend the big Harlequin events, the Rita Awards, etc. (Rita's are like the Oscars for romance writers....fancy dresses, fancy award ceremony with speeches, etc). 

 

Now, we can each do our thing, but I'd planned on attending the Ritas with my husband. Whatever. I'm not expecting to win anything anyway, I can go alone. But the bigger issue is I'm going to have a 4 month old. I'd planned to have him bring the baby back and forth to nurse some of the time, plus have him home with the baby, etc. Now, he's going to be gone. The teen can I guess deal with the bigger kids, but he can't be in charge of them and a baby all day for days at at time. My mom will help, but it's a lot to ask and she can't really be driving back and forth. I can get her a hotel room at the event, but it's nearly $200 a night and still, what's she going to do in a hotel all day with a baby? 

 

Really annoyed. As it is, he's going to submit a talk. If it is accepted, he's going to go. if it's not, maybe he'll skip it this year. 

 

Am I unreasonable to think that yeah, if he's not speaking, he should skip it this one year? I may not get another chance to go to the RWA conference.....I don't see me flying across the country next year with a one year old, and I nurse for 3-4 years, so this isn't just a short term issue. Ugh. 

[Tap]

1. If having your mom in  hotel room solves the problem completely, then just ask her to do it.  Seriously, it is only one day/night and she can make it work without being too bored.  I am sure your mom would be happy to sacrifice to make sure you get this opportunity. I would talk to her and see if she is ok with it.  

 

2. Hire someone to drive the baby back and forth.  Reach out to a friend and pay them the $200 to do it instead.

 

3. Ask husband to stay home, but if this event affects his career I would be reluctant to do this.  It could cost you a lot more than $200 in future earnings.

 

 

You deserve this!!! Congratulations on achieving your dreams of being an author.  So few at -home-moms get to have such an accomplishment, and you should definitely go to this event.

 

I really hope you prioritize this for yourself. It is important for equality in marriage when it comes to the fun things or resentment can slowly eat at the marginalized party. I would try to make sure both people get to go to these important events, but if not both,  then you should definitely be the one to go this year. 

[StephanieZ]

Personally, I'd think that the choice of which event takes priority would depend on the relative importance of your careers and the relative importance of the events.

 

If both of your careers are significant to your family economy . . . then . . . assuming equal importance to the careers and equal importance to each event . . .

 

If both events are relevant/important to your respective careers, then it's your turn.

 

If neither event is relevant/important to your respective careers (so it's just a fun thing or a minor thing), then it's your turn.

 

If one of your careers is more of a fun-thing and not very relevant to the family economy, then the financially vital career takes precedence, IMHO.

 

Of course, all this goes out the window if one or both of you just has some personal very strong reason for wanting to go to your particular event. Not everything boils down to money, of course.

 

+++

 

But, for sure, I'd spend the $$ and ask Mom to come stay in the hotel before I'd fight about it with my dh. 

 

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I'd get your mom a hotel room, and go. And if she can't do it, hire a sitter for two days. 

[Katy]

Get a really good breast pump and hire a babysitter or a friend to care for the baby. Go to the conference.  You know your DH wouldn't like going anyway, at least if he's anything like my DH.

[mamaraby]

I can get her a hotel room at the event, but it's nearly $200 a night and still, what's she going to do in a hotel all day with a baby?

I bet your mom is a resourceful person and will have no problem figuring out what to do in a hotel all day with a baby.

 

It doesn't matter whose career is more important to the family bottom line or whether or not one's career is "for fun." You matter. Your career matters. It's ok to make this conference work for you.

[ErinE]

:grouphug: As the primary caregiver, it often feels like personal concerns need to be put on hold for everyone else.

 

In your shoes, I would feel the same, but I'd also come to terms with DH attending his conference. After a period of unemployment and under-employment, I feel strongly my DH, as our primary breadwinner, should raise his profile and network whenever he can. The opportunity to give a speech is huge and can lead to more opportunities.

 

As for the RWA conference, I would attend only one day, trying to fit all *my* networking within that day. I'd ask my teen to watch the middle two and I'd ask my mom to go with me and hang out with the baby. I'd set up meetings with my editor and agent, hoping to get them within the same 4-6 hour time frame. I'd wander the conference, maybe listen to a few panels, then go home, bummed I missed out on the fun stuff, but knowing the time was well spent building myself up professionally.

 

It stinks. I feel for you. But I wouldn't ask DH to skip his conference.

[zoobie]

I bet your mom is a resourceful person and will have no problem figuring out what to do in a hotel all day with a baby.

 

It doesn't matter whose career is more important to the family bottom line or whether or not one's career is "for fun." You matter. Your career matters. It's ok to make this conference work for you.

I agree! Your mom or a mom friend of yours. The hotel room is tax deductible. They can hang out, watch tv, read a book... A 4 month old is a piece of cake!

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

I hope you can make it work somehow!

[Seasider]

Just sayin, I would probably LOVE a nice hotel room and special time with a 4mo grand baby! Which hotel? Strollering the Gaylord Palms or something similar would be fun! It's a disappointment that your dh can't go, but I don't think you attending RWA is as impossible as you seem to think.

[Anne]

I'm a grandma - and I love my daughter! If I could help her out by providing care in a hotel room, I would absolutely do it, and I would be delighted to do so!

 

Ask your mom!

 

Anne

[UCF612]

Definitely ask your mom!

[Carol in Cal.]

Whether or not my career equalled my husband's in monetary value, I would hope that he would want to be there for me at something special like this.  Having said that, I'd want to be there for him if he presented a major paper.  And it's possible that neither of those things would be able to be feasible.  But I would want them, and I would hope that he would, too.

[marbel]

I am not a grandma, but hanging out in a hotel room for a day with a 4-month old sounds divine.  Especially if it's a nice hotel.  And you can provide nice food/drink.  :-)

 

If that didn't work out, I'd really assess the benefit of this opportunity vs. the career opportunities your husband's conference might open up.  Your work is important, of course!  You are important, of course!  But as a practical matter, if he is the major financial support of the family and the conference would help his career, that would have to take precedence, in my opinion.   If it's just something he wants to do and his lack of attendance will have no negative effect on his career, then it sounds like more negotiating may be in order.   

[MrsMommy]

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to think that if he's not actually speaking, he should stay home. My dh travels A LOT for work, and not all of it is absolutely necessary. I hope that if I ever had something really important (and one-in-a-lifetime-ish) come up, he would stay home (unless it was a mandatory trip), and hold down the fort so I could go.

[Corraleno]

If your DH's paper is not accepted, I would ask him to go the RWA with you. He can attend many other conferences for years to come. This is your ONE chance to attend your own event. If his paper is accepted and you need to go alone, I would definitely get a hotel room and bring your mom. I'm sure your mom would be more than happy to do it — heck, if I lived closer to you, I'd happily come do it!

 

You deserve this Katie, and you should find a way to make it happen. :grouphug:

Edited February 9, 2017 by Corraleno

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think I would pay the extra money to make it work for you to go.  My husband would have a lot of negative feelings about skipping an awesome work conference for some conference i wanted.  I would have more fun without in most cases.  Hope you find a solution. 

[ktgrok]

Thanks all. It's actually a 4 day event...but obviously I don't have to go to all 4 days. I went ahead and got the hotel for 3 nights since I can cancel later with no charge. That way I have it if I need it. I need to sit down with the schedule, and talk to my editor and agent, and find out what is happening when. I have until June 28th to cancel the hotel, and conference is the last week of July. So we have time. 

 

I was just so frustrated to realize that I'd been waiting for this for years, it was already going to be hard, having an infant, and now this!!! 

 

I'm definitely going to go at least for part of it. And if I get nominated for a Rita, and he isn't speaking, he's going to that award ceremony with me!!!

[Guest]

If he isn't speaking he should skip it this year, yes. I think that's very reasonable given the scheduling conflict and history you have told us, unless someone can babysit the older kids and you can both go. You'll fly solo at the Ritas but that isn't the end of the world.

[Arcadia]

Am I unreasonable to think that yeah, if he's not speaking, he should skip it this one year?

 

That depends on his company culture. My husband's dept boss sends the entire team to the tech conference even if none are presenting. It is more like a show of support to the organisers. The thing is those tech conferences my husband attends have family events and most attendees bring their spouse, kids and sometimes grandparents. The one at anaheim even had Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm trips planned for the accompanying family. His previous company would rather people not go and engineers go on their own dime but don't need to take leave.

 

I'll ask your mom  and also get a standby babysitter just in case your mom isn't able to help for whatever reasons. I have seen many grandparents babysitting at conferences.   

[ktgrok]

That depends on his company culture. My husband's dept boss sends the entire team to the tech conference even if none are presenting. It is more like a show of support to the organisers. The thing is those tech conferences my husband attends have family events and most attendees bring their spouse, kids and sometimes grandparents. The one at anaheim even had Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm trips planned for the accompanying family. His previous company would rather people not go and engineers go on their own dime but don't need to take leave.

 

I'll ask your mom  and also get a standby babysitter just in case your mom isn't able to help for whatever reasons. I have seen many grandparents babysitting at conferences.   

 

This definitely isn't a whole team going thing. And part of it (one of the two back to back conferences) isn't even really encouraged...DH paid out of pocket for that one. I'm wondering if he can do one, and be back in time for part of mine. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited February 10, 2017 by --Kathy--

[Arcadia]

This definitely isn't a whole team going thing. And part of it (one of the two back to back conferences) isn't even really encouraged...DH paid out of pocket for that one. I'm wondering if he can do one, and be back in time for part of mine. 

 

I would asked my husband to skip the one he pay out of pocket in this scenario. The other conference, I would be ambivalent because my husband does lots of networking during conferences, even the spouses network on freelance, work at home jobs.  If there is no gain then skip both.       

[katilac]

I would probably just spend the money to get you and your mom a hotel room - you can share, yes? 

 

Definitely I would want my dh at my conference, but it's just a fact that a two career family is going to have conflicts. I think each person needs to decide the relative importance of any conference or work opportunity, and if it's worth it for them to go. Some of them are very important career-wise, even if the current employer isn't willing to shell out for them. 

 

I don't think it's too much to ask of your mom. Heck, I'd have asked mine to watch all three of the little kids in her younger days, lol.  

 

Alternatively, I have seen many a babe in arms at work shindigs. Heck, I've seen toddlers and preschoolers sitting in a parent's lap as they gave a presentation. It's not as free and easy as only having the baby for feedings, but in some ways it might be easier than having to arrange to meet up and so on. I'd be tempted to have my mom stay with the other kids instead, and just come watch the baby for the awards ceremony. 

 

You should definitely go! Make it happen. But I think your dh has to decide is his conferences should be missed or not. 

[Spryte]

I might be biased, so take this with a grain of salt.  My DH travels to these events yearly, and has for, the last 16 years.  He does Vegas, of course, and then he has annual conferences/conventions in Amsterdam, Germany, France, and a few others that move around between European cities.  He is often a speaker, always at big meetings between companies.  He rarely misses these events.  They are networking opportunities, in addition to everything else.  Their company culture frowns upon bringing family to these particular events (though they occasionally host parties in Germany and fly over employees & spouses for a weekend of events geared to family, but those are not work related events), so DH goes alone.  He has never paid for any of it, and wouldn't fund it - it's a necessity of his job, you know?

 

But... All that said, I don't even have to ask him about this.  If I had a once in a lifetime opportunity - or even a "first in a lifetime" opportunity to attend my own conference - he'd be all over it.  He would first choose to attend with me.  If that was absolutely not possible, then he would insist I take my mom and go to my own conference.  I know him, though, and I'm 99% sure he'd be there with me.  And he'd tell me that the pay-off for those events, in his career, is minimal enough that it wouldn't impact him.  The only one I can think of that was a "can't miss" was the one where he spoke on the stage where the Beatles had performed some significant show.  That was very cool, and I'd not have wanted him to miss it.  :)

 

Oddly, I was just planning a May/June vacation and asking if he has dates he's unavailable.  There's a conference in Finland.  He offered to bow out of it, to make our vacation planning easier.  So I'm pretty confident that he'd skip something to go with me.

 

I think you need to go.  If your DH can't go, then take your mom - she'll be thrilled.  And you'll have a ball!

 

Congrats!

[wendyroo]

Another idea.

 

What about if your mom stayed at your house with the older kids and your son hung out in the hotel room during the day to tag team the baby with you?  You could wear the baby for a while, let baby nap in the room for a while with your son, etc.  Then, in the evenings your son could go home to sleep in his own bed?

 

I'm just wondering how your son would feel about being fully in charge of the older kids for a couple days and nights.  Maybe he would be happier playing video games in a hotel room, eating lunch with you and the baby at the hotel and going home to eat a late dinner that Grandma prepared.

 

Wendy

[Luckymama]

The RWA is a huge deal----I'm so happy you can go! All the sessions and the networking and the sponsored parties in the evenings, ahhhhh :)

Edited February 9, 2017 by Luckymama

[Catwoman]

GO TO YOUR CONFERENCE!!!

 

I know others here are far more understanding than I am, but this is a big deal for you and your dh goes to his own conferences every year, so I think he should suck it up and stay home so you can go to your conference without extra stress and worry.

 

I just asked my dh about this and he said that if one of his employees told him his wife had waited for years to attend this event and that it was important to her career as a writer and she was hoping he could go along with her for a big awards dinner, he would absolutely understand and would encourage him to support his wife.

 

Fair is fair, Katie. You always put yourself second so your dh can do what he wants or needs to do. Now it's your turn. It's four days out of the year. He should suck it up and deal with it.

 

That said, who would you prefer to have taking care of the baby? If you'd prefer your mom, maybe your dh could plan to attend the awards dinner with you and your mom could have baby duty.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this should be all about you. You've worked so hard and achieved so much that I truly believe you should get to go to your conference -- the entire thing, all four days -- and enjoy yourself. It's your turn. Really.

[Spryte]

GO TO YOUR CONFERENCE!!!

 

I know others here are far more understanding than I am, but this is a big deal for you and your dh goes to his own conferences every year, so I think he should suck it up and stay home so you can go to your conference without extra stress and worry.

 

I just asked my dh about this and he said that if one of his employees told him his wife had waited for years to attend this event and that it was important to her career as a writer and she was hoping he could go along with her for a big awards dinner, he would absolutely understand and would encourage him to support his wife.

 

Fair is fair, Katie. You always put yourself second so your dh can do what he wants or needs to do. Now it's your turn. It's four days out of the year. He should suck it up and deal with it.

 

That said, who would you prefer to have taking care of the baby? If you'd prefer your mom, maybe your dh could plan to attend the awards dinner with you and your mom could have baby duty.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this should be all about you. You've worked so hard and achieved so much that I truly believe you should get to go to your conference -- the entire thing, all four days -- and enjoy yourself. It's your turn. Really.

 

This needs to be said again.

[madteaparty]

I'd bring mom along and get a hotel room. BTDT

[Annie G]

How long is it from your house to the venue?  Would it be possible to farm out the two younger kids to a friend or a teen sitter and then hire an adult to take care of the baby and drive baby to you once or twice a day?  If it's close enough that you can run home at lunchtime to nurse, then maybe the baby can take a bottle for one feeding and you might be ok without baby making a trip to you to nurse. Not on the award night but if the other days end at 6 or so...feed before you go, come home at lunch, a bottle for one more feeding, then you feed when you arrive home.  It would be nice if friends could take the kids so you only have to organize the baby's feeding needs. 

 

I hope your dh ends up being home so you don't have to do all that juggling. I'm sure it would be a lot better if you didn't have to worry about all that.  But juggling the child care would be worth it- it seems a shame to miss the event the one time it's where you live!!

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'm thinking he should just skip submitting the talk at all and go to the Orlando thing with you, it's only fair.  Anything less than acceptance with a little "wish there were two of me" would get my DH no end of misery.  We are equal partners and unless his job depended on it, I get my turn at things too.

[ktgrok]

Thanks all. It's about 45 minutes to the conference I think...going back and forth for lunch wouldn't really work, but I had planned to stay at home at night. I only got the hotel room as an "in case thing" knowing they sell out super quickly for this event. 

 

We'll see what happens.

[Catwoman]

How long is it from your house to the venue? Would it be possible to farm out the two younger kids to a friend or a teen sitter and then hire an adult to take care of the baby and drive baby to you once or twice a day? If it's close enough that you can run home at lunchtime to nurse, then maybe the baby can take a bottle for one feeding and you might be ok without baby making a trip to you to nurse. Not on the award night but if the other days end at 6 or so...feed before you go, come home at lunch, a bottle for one more feeding, then you feed when you arrive home. It would be nice if friends could take the kids so you only have to organize the baby's feeding needs.

 

I hope your dh ends up being home so you don't have to do all that juggling. I'm sure it would be a lot better if you didn't have to worry about all that. But juggling the child care would be worth it- it seems a shame to miss the event the one time it's where you live!!

I don't think she should have to do all the juggling.

 

Her dh makes his travel plans and expects Katie to suck it up and handle everything at home. He's not sitting around worrying about who will take care of the baby, so why shouldn't she expect the same courtesy, particularly when this is only one conference and she wouldn't even have to stay at a hotel?

 

Katie, I hope you won't be missing out on a lot of fun evening activities by not staying in the convention hotel. It might be worth staying there anyway, so you can socialize late into the evening without worrying about rushing back home to take care of the household stuff. Also, if you're staying in a hotel, there is less chance that your family will find a reason why you should skip a day or two and stay at home.

[UCF612]

I am an hour outside Orlando. I'll come watch the baby. That would be a dream come true for me. Hanging out in a hotel with a little baby. Yep. I love babies and am not having more. Now I just need to find something to do with my kids for those days....

[Tap]

Thanks all. It's about 45 minutes to the conference I think...going back and forth for lunch wouldn't really work, but I had planned to stay at home at night. I only got the hotel room as an "in case thing" knowing they sell out super quickly for this event. 

 

We'll see what happens.

Do you know anyone else who may want to split the room with you?  It sounds like you will only need it during the day, and they can have it at night.  That would keep the cost down and still make it convenient for you. 

[Annie G]

I don't think she should have to do all the juggling.

 

Her dh makes his travel plans and expects Katie to suck it up and handle everything at home. He's not sitting around worrying about who will take care of the baby, so why shouldn't she expect the same courtesy, particularly when this is only one conference and she wouldn't even have to stay at a hotel?

 

Katie, I hope you won't be missing out on a lot of fun evening activities by not staying in the convention hotel. It might be worth staying there anyway, so you can socialize late into the evening without worrying about rushing back home to take care of the household stuff. Also, if you're staying in a hotel, there is less chance that your family will find a reason why you should skip a day or two and stay at home.

I don't think she should have to do the juggling either. But if her only choices are juggling or not going, I'd take juggling.  I hope her dh will choose to only attend one conference and therefore be home to handle the kids while she's enjoying her conference. 

[ktgrok]

Do you know anyone else who may want to split the room with you?  It sounds like you will only need it during the day, and they can have it at night.  That would keep the cost down and still make it convenient for you. 

 

I do actually..I think. I know lots of people coming, so I can probably work that out. Good reminder!