BTDT advice- extremely tall 9yo

[Joyofsixreboot]

My youngest is 9. She is 5'1" and wears a ladies 7 shoe. She is healthy and fine BUT she is becoming so self conscious. It doesn't help that it seems every.single.adult has to point out the obvious. Please don't tell my 9 yo she won't go to prom or get to wear high heels. She dances ballet and is worried about the height and continuing and the fact she is so much taller than the other girls. I do all the talk about we're all individuals, be proud, you are perfect and I know she thinks that is just " mom talk". If you or a dd is tall did any words or actions help?

[lailasmum]

My 12yr old is tall and looks much older than she is I guess maybe the thing that's balanced frustrations clothes wise and comments on height is that it's also normal for our family so we talk about that a fair bit.

[Katy]

Your DD might be going through her growth spurt early and could end up shorter than most of the other girls.  I know most of the tallest girls I went to middle school with didn't grow more than 1-3" after they started their periods and are now as adults are all around 5'4" - not too tall for ballet.  The one exception did make it to 5'10 and she still had boyfriends and went to every dance and prom, and was often put in the center of high school show choir (Next to the tallest boy).  Sorry she's hearing rude comments.  Is it possible they're coming from jealous girls?

[Lizzie in Ma]

Sadly, no, but she did grow more comfortable with her height in time. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Your DD might be going through her growth spurt early and could end up shorter than most of the other girls. I know most of the tallest girls I went to middle school with didn't grow more than 1-3" after they started their periods and are now as adults are all around 5'4" - not too tall for ballet. The one exception did make it to 5'10 and she still had boyfriends and went to every dance and prom, and was often put in the center of high school show choir (Next to the tallest boy). Sorry she's hearing rude comments. Is it possible they're coming from jealous girls?

I suppose it could be her growth spurt but she has always been off the chart height wise. It wasn't really a problem until recently. Honestly the adult comment are much worse than kids. I don't think the kids say too much. I just wish people would check their mouths for two seconds before opening them. Even if I confront them, the damage is done, KWIM?

[lavender's green]

Your DD might be going through her growth spurt early and could end up shorter than most of the other girls.  I know most of the tallest girls I went to middle school with didn't grow more than 1-3" after they started their periods and are now as adults are all around 5'4" - not too tall for ballet.  The one exception did make it to 5'10 and she still had boyfriends and went to every dance and prom, and was often put in the center of high school show choir (Next to the tallest boy).  Sorry she's hearing rude comments.  Is it possible they're coming from jealous girls?

 

This is exactly what happened to me. It was surprising to have always been the tall kid, and then in late middle and high school everyone around me shot up and I was frozen in place!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Pretty sad that her biggest problem might be adults (and not so much her peers).  I have always had the opposite problem (being very short).  So while I have no clue what it's like to be very tall, I do know what it is like to get dumb comments.  And as a kid that bothered me.  Not so much now. 

 

I don't know how to get adults to act less stupid though. 

[Desert Strawberry]

 I was a tall girl. All through my childhood, I was one of the top three girls in my class. My doctors predicted my height at 5'10. I stopped growing at 11. I'm 5'1. I never had that adolescent growth spurt. 

Even if she does end up tall, that's not a bad thing. My BFF is 5'10, her twin is 5'11, their sister is 6'0, and my SIL is 6'1. I looked like a munchkin at my wedding standing between the 4 of them. They are all beautiful, svelte, leggy, sophisticated looking women. Not gangly, not awkward. They have all been married/had dates. They wear heels. 

People are mean to tall girls. But people are are mean to everyone. I wouldn't worry too much about what people say. You never know how things will turn out. And either way, she will be fine. 

[Library Momma]

Ugh -That was me.  I was always the tallest in my class and when I was 10 I was even taller than my teacher.  It was tough through Middle School but then when I hit High School people started to catch up and surpass me.  No one ever made fun of me, actually they always said they were jealous.  I just didn't believe them. I dated boys of all heights and it was never an issue. I am 5'10" now and I love being tall.  

 

I really think it was the most difficult when I was around 7 or 8 because people would assume I was so much older than I was.  I remember being in a store and having a person ask me if I worked there.  I think my response was "I'm with my mommy."  LOL

[FriedClams]

I am a very tall woman. Sometimes it stinks, but mostly it's great. My encouragement would be to make sure she stands up straight and has good posture. It's easy top get slouchy and try to blend in, but it leads to bad habits. If she's in ballet she's probably going to be fine, but you may still have to "remind" her. :-)

 

I'd also think of some polite, but place putting responses. I can't think of any, as we usually just laughed and said "yeah, really, I hadn't noticed", and "I'm 5'12", so at least I'm not 6'". Really. People didn't get it.

 

Hang in there. It'll likely even out in a few years. If not, get her playing volleyball!

Edited January 26, 2017 by FriedClams

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

My 12yo DD is 5' 3.5" and wears a size 9 shoe. My 10yo DD is 5' 2" and wears a size 9 shoe. My 9yo is "only" 4' 10" but wears a size 7 shoe. I have tall kids. DH is 6' 3" so they get it from him. I'm only 5'2" but I've been this tall since I was 11 years old. I was the tallest girl in the groups I was in between the ages of 8-12. Then I stopped growing early and they all kept growing for a few more years.

 

Girls tend to stop growing by 16yo or earlier though there are, of course, exceptions to this. Your DD may be one of those who stops growing early. Even if she doesn't she'll maybe just be taller than average. There will be plenty of other women her height, plenty of boys to date, and regardless of whether she's tall or short she can wear whatever shoes she wants. (Am I supposed to wear heals because I'm short? I prefer flats.) All the adults who are making stupid comments need to shut up.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

Adults can be just as clueless as kids.  I'm sorry adult comments are upsetting her.  Grrrrr.....

 

My SIL is a lovely person but every time she saw DD she made a comment about how she would eventually have to have her eyebrows professionally plucked because all the women in her family end up with big ugly eyebrows.  She started telling her this at 7 years old.  Even when I asked her not to, she did it anyway, like some sort of conditioned Pavlov's dog response.  It made DD very self-conscious about her eyebrows and one day, unbeknownst to me, she tried shaving them down with a razor blade from my bathroom and ripped out her skin.  And then was mortified that she would have to go out in public with scabs and missing parts of her eyebrows.

 

I guess be polite but firm if you are around and someone makes a comment.  If they say she will never wear heals call them on it.  Nope.  Not true.  Lots of tall women wear heals and look stunning.  If they say she will not be asked to the prom (what insensitive idiot said that?) again say NO, wrong, lots of men love going out with tall women.  

 

Or you could be obnoxious and ask "What rock are you living under?  Tall is just as awesome as any other height.  But maybe you are too shallow and closed minded to have noticed."  (but I wouldn't recommend it :) ).

 

As for what to say to your daughter, maybe find her pictures of tall kids when they were about her age and then pictures of them as adults, married.  Any family pics you could use?  I guess you could look at celebrity or model pics, too.

 

It is hard to see a child struggling with something you cannot easily help with.  Hugs to you both.

Edited January 26, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[aggie96]

My 11yo is 5'2" with a size 8 shoe.  She gets comments all the time!  Heck, I comment all the time!  I love her height, and she seems to be indifferent.   :)  She is in ballet also.  That height is a wonderful asset for ballet.  DD also loves that she looks great in tall boots.  She has such long gorgeous legs for them.  She loves that she gets to shop in the juniors section now (although it's a challenge for me to keep it age appropriate).  I tell her all the time how awesome it is to have another adult-size person in the house.  She attends public school this year, and there are several "tall" girls in her grade.  Her best friend is super short.   :)  She wears heels (for occasions) and looks like a model.  And I make sure to mention that she looks like a model all the time.  If a stranger's comments seems particularly negative, in the moment (to prove it's not just "mom" talk) I will say something like "Oh, I don't think we'll have a problem with <insert weird comment>.  She's our resident model, and she's gorgeous!"  It shuts people down pretty quick, and they almost always back pedal and extend a compliment.

 

I was an amazon myself until 7th grade.  I was very self-aware of being the tallest and always put with the boys, but I LOVED it for my ballet pursuits.  I was singled out so many times for my height in class, in a good way!  My 7th grade year, everyone grew up around me, and I became perfectly average.  DD embraces her height much better than I did.

 

On last thing, DD LOVES that people think she is older.  Clerk in Charming Charlie thought she was headed to college, and DD thought that was hysterical (me, not so much).  I want to hang a sign around her neck saying "Back off.  I'm 11."   :)

 

 

ETA:  We don't focus on our looks around here.  I was just pointing out how we deal with the subject under discussion.   :)

Edited January 26, 2017 by aggie96

[EmilyGF]

I'm quite tall (6') but wasn't the tallest in elementary school, though I was always taller than the boys! I actually got a lot of comments about how I should model.

 

My mom was the tallest in her family and she was super proud of it. She is also 6' and would always wear high heels. She made a big deal about how proud she was of being tall and really stressed good posture. I think her attitude made it clear that no one was to say anything negative about height. If someone had said, "You won't ever go to prom" she likely would have said, "Then there will be some men really missing out!" Or "You can't wear high heels" would have been met with "Are you kidding? Look at my feet."

 

The interesting thing is that I had two friends in grade school who were always as tall as me, or just a bit taller (and both played basketball and volleyball). They both stopped growing at 12 while I grew until 15. I'm 6' and they are now both 5'6". 

 

I wrote the best short story of my life (somewhere between 7th and 9th grade) about coming to terms with being the tallest. I think the ballet aspect makes it harder. I know that I didn't get various parts in youth theater because I was too tall. But that wasn't my identity and I had no aspirations beyond fun in it.

Emily

 

ETA: My mom had polio as a baby and had half her face paralyzed. Because of that she learned early to meet negative comments with humor and she used that skill with anyone who criticized us kids.

Edited January 26, 2017 by EmilyGF

[ErinE]

My dd is tall and she gets comments all the time. Two years ago, a small roomful of people shouted at her because she jumped up on stage to sing with other girls, but not realizing a problem, stood in front of them and blocked them. Other girls had jumped in front, but they were smaller and no one said anything. She was very hurt and needed some soothing to calm her feelings. We are running into an issue where she's in a sport where she's taller than all the other girls her age (and even those older) and height makes a difference in execution. We're open to other sports to see if she finds a better fit, but she is still enjoying what she does now. People treat her as older than she is which ends up with me having multiple conversations that she's not as old as she appears. It's tough but I'm hoping, with time, we can work through the feelings as all the ladies who agonized over being tall when I was young like their height now. 

 

If your dd loves dance, she should continue with ballet. There's a world beyond ballet where being tall isn't a drawback, in fact, an asset. Modern dance troupes have fewer lifts so a woman being tall isn't a detriment. There's dance teams, tap groups, and jazz/hip hop performers who are awesome dancers without meeting the strict physical preferences of modern ballet. I danced professionally for a few years, after auditioning for several dance teams. My short height meant I needed to dance bigger and more dynamically to compete with the tall dancers who could stand in place and have great presence.

[Veritaserum]

Dh is 6'5" and his sisters are 6'2" and 6'3". They are both married. They wear heels when they want. I'm pretty sure they both went to prom. They definitely dated in high school and as adults. Their husbands are both under six feet tall (5'10 or 5'11). My SILs say that a confident man isn't negatively affected by a taller woman.

 

Some of my kids are tall and some are average. My 8yo dd has always been super tall. She's a head taller than most kids her age. So far she doesn't seem bothered by this. With a grandpa who is almost 7 feet tall, I think she understands where she gets it. I plan to have her talk to her aunts if she gets self-conscious as a teenager. In the moment, humor is a good diffuser for most insensitive comments.

[BlsdMama]

A dear friend of mine is tall - she must be right at about 6'.  She is so graceful.  I don't know if she has ever been self conscious of her height, but she certainly carries herself as though she isn't and owns it.  You can't help but notice her in a crowd - first her height, then her smile.  People seem drawn to her.  <3

[Ann.without.an.e]

My cousin's daughter was this way.  They didn't let her slouch, told her she was model gorgeous, and put her in martial arts and strength training classes and softball to help her gain confidence.  She is now a very beautiful 18 year old who is super confident and stands at about 5'10".  She didn't get over 6 foot even though everyone thought she would. 

[Xahm]

My tall friends all gained confidence when they embraced their height, even though I know at least one had to "fake it till she made it." They wore heels, stood tall, and wore styles and hairstyles that accentuated their height. I would encourage your dd to ask "why" whenever people make dumb remarks. "Too bad you can't wear heels" "why?" "Uh, um, it'll make you even taller." "Is that a bad thing? Tall women are beautiful and dignified." If they bring up boys, make sure she knows that, when she's ready for that, she's going to want a confident guy, not a self-conscious kid. Point out tall, beautiful actresses. Comment on their poise, and praise hers whenever possible. The only ones I've known with a problem with their height are short people who put all their hopes in a growth spurt and tall people who kept hoping others would catch up.

[melmichigan]

I just encourage my girls to own it, (just like boys are so proud of their height).  They are all right around 6', but my 14yo's might get a little taller yet.  

[Tap]

DD18 was always the tallest girl in school until she hit high school. She is 5'9" and couldn't be happier. Middle school was the hardest time when she was taller than most of the boys, but we just talked about the fact that her height was something that made her unique and made her stand out.  It became a joke between us, about what comments she would get that day from strangers.  

 

DD18 would get creative with her answers to "how tall are you going to be"..... "current growth trends put me at 15' " 

[Guest]

I honestly don't know what you could say to her, but maybe just show her this thread.

 

I always joke about how I was THIS SIZE when I was 14, so it was all downhill after that and I aged into my size I felt amaaaaaazing about myself :laugh:

 

I joke because it strikes me as funny, but it's also true. I shot up to 5'10" and there I stayed. I was taller than my Mom and grandpa when I was 12! (my dad is very tall though). People always just thought I was a boy, and asked me if I played volleyball. I never really received comments about it that bothered me. Oh, I did have one friend who wanted me to give her piggy back rides all the time LOL

 

As a mom, I'd put anyone who made those comments on the spot with aggressive rhetorical questions but obviously ymmv "What happened to you that you want a little girl to feel bad about her body?....when did the police institute a height limit at prom?....Shoes go on and off her feet the same as anyone else's, thanks..." :glare: :glare: :glare:

 

The insinuation that tall chicks don't find dates//love//cute shoes is weird and from some other times and place.

[ondreeuh]

In my family we grow tall through childhood but end up average height. I surpassed my sister who was two years older than I was by the time we were 8 & 10, but then I stopped growing at 12 (5'7"). Being tall bothered me because I didn't like to stand out. The comments that annoyed me were comparing me to Andre the Giant (I was tall and solid, not svelte) and being told by a neighbor at 10 or so that with my shoulders I should play football. That one struck a nerve!

 

There are so many advantages to being tall, but generally kids don't like looking different, so I'm not sure what you can do to mitigate that. Other than emphasize how it's sometimes nice to stand out, and if people think you are older they treat you with more respect/give your ideas more credit.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Tall girls don't go to prom? Since when? She may be the tallest kid in the class now, but the boys haven't even started growing. Can she go to a high school athletic game? Just to see that teenage boys are often way taller than 5'1?

[Tap]

.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Tap

[Ali in OR]

It's such a weird age--kids are all over the place with their growth. There is natural variation in height, but from about 9 to 14 there is also the added variation of who hits their growth spurts first and who hits puberty first. My middle dd hit both at age 9, and while there was a short time when she was tallest in her ballet class, she just grew early and is only 5'2". My youngest plays soccer and didn't get a growth spurt until 13. It was hard to watch our team of mostly short undeveloped girls play the big city teams that choose players for height and had teams of tall, fully developed girls that could just pound us. But it's all evening out now as 13/14 year olds as our kids have finally grown. In the soccer world, being tall is cool--dds' teammates are mostly about 5'6" but all talk about hoping to grow another couple of inches. Probably not much comfort now, but by high school even very tall girls fit in as the boys finally get their growth spurts and most/all girls are pretty far along in puberty.

[The Girls' Mom]

Tell her to embrace it. People hit their growth spurts at different ages.  She may just be getting hers over with before her peers.  

 

At 10 my twin girls were 5'2".  By 12 my twins were 5'7 and wearing size 10 shoes.  They got a lot of comments.  When you are 9-12 being a lot taller than your peers is hard.  Tell her that it gets much easier once you are an older teen.  People start catching up.  My girls are now 5'8" and don't feel quite so giant because a lot of guys are taller, and many of the girls have closed the gap some.  

 

BTW, my tall girls have all went to prom and have worn heels. Two of my girls have happily dated guys that are shorter.  One is currently dating a guy that is around 5'7", and they are adorable together. They are going to a formal together in two weeks, and they don't care that DD will be taller. The height thing isn't an issue for them.  

I think the worst thing for us was simply people thinking that they were a lot older than they were.  By 7th grade, people were assuming they were college age.  It was funny sometimes, and at other times not so funny (like when they got flirted with).  

[Kim in Appalachia]

At 9 my dd (now19!) was over 5ft.  She's now 5'10".

 

I wish I could say i figured out something that helped.  I tried.  Most of the girls she knew were tiny.  She was always self conscious.  

 

She still freaks a bit about her height.  She won't wear heels.

 

I'm 5'9", and I do wear heels, never cared or worried about my height, but some people do.  

 

Keep letting you dd know that it's ok.  Hopefully, she becomes more comfortable with her body as she grows older. 

[zaichiki]

Haven't yet read the replies... but here goes...

 

She needs tall friends.  Sorry, but it's true! It was a huge eye-opener for me as a kid. I always felt like the odd one out until I joined the basketball team (not suggesting she has to do that, but that was where I met the other tall girls).  My self-confidence soared once I saw with my own eyes that I was not the misfit/monster. Even when I wasn't with those friends, just knowing they existed (in my world) made me stop hunching over when I hung out in the hallways between classes with my shorter friends.  (I used to hunch over, lean back against the lockers, or sit/kneel while they stood.)

 

As for ballet... if she wants to go professional you should know that her height will limit her opportunities. A big part of dance is visual.  Being in the dance line (or whatever it is called) often requires a certain height range.  My mother had her eyes on a professional direction for ballet until she was told in no uncertain terms by her teacher that she was too tall.  (She was 6 feet.) She ended up quitting -- BUT that was a LONG time ago and some things have changed.  There are some taller dancers.

 

Good luck!

 

ETA: We are all tall here. My youngest was 4'4" at 6 years old (so... at her steady growing pattern of 3 inches a year, she should be around 5 feet by 9 years old). Because of my self-esteem issues related to my height when I was a kid (despite having a tall mom and a bunch of other tall relatives), I have gone a bit overboard on the "rah rah siss boom bah you are tall" thing with my girls. Heh. I'm hoping it will close the gap a bit (the gap between the negative comments they hear from others/friends/strangers and having a normal self-concept).

 

Additionally, no matter where you are politically, both the exiting president's family and the current president's family is full of tall girls! Nice to look at those photos everywhere and point it out. 

Edited January 27, 2017 by zaichiki

[christusg01]

My 12 year old daughter is 5 feet, 6 inches tall already. She's taller than me, taller than my sisters, taller than my dad. She stands head and shoulders above her friends. Right now she loves being tall. I hope that she remains that way! My husband is 6 feet, 4 inches, so she had the possibility of bring quite tall as an adult.

[BigMamaBird]

I was 6' in 8th grade and taller than many of my male teachers let alone the boys in my class.  I remember watching sitcoms with these adorable, tiny little actresses and being heartbroken that I was stuck living in the "freak" of a body.  Middle school is hard, but when you literally stick out like a sore thumb it's agonizing.  

 

My folks didn't have a lot of money so I would walk around in pants that were six inches too short.  My one big piece of advice, as stupid as it may sound, is ALWAYS keep her in long enough pants.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but when your bony, pubescent ankles are constantly on display, it's just another twist of the knife.  

 

Around 10th grade something clicked in my brain.  I realized that this was the body that God gave me, and yes it was different, but it was special, it was mine.  Being different from the rest of the herd wasn't bad thing.  I changed my self-talk from words like "too-tall, freakish, stringbean, lanky, etc." to "statuesque, regal, willowy, lovely."  When I accepted what I looked like, rather than wanting what the other girls had, life started to get a lot easier.  

 

I finally topped out at 6' 2".  I still find it difficult to find clothes that fit properly.  Sometimes unobservant people still call me "sir."  I still overhear the occasional comment.  I still bend my knees for group pictures.  But with age comes maturity.  I don't let it bother me (so much) any more.  You can give her all the encouragement and support you can, but in the end, her happiness and acceptance is going to have to come from herself.  

[gardenmom5]

my only concern was if she was also going to develop precocious puberty.   otherwise, I'd think she'd just got her height early.  when I was in 6th grade, there was a girl who was 6'.  she was done growing.   so - just because she's really tall now doesn't mean she's going to be exceptionally tall.

help her see the postives as a dancer.

I had a son who had his height early - he was done growing by 15, and another who had barely started.

my son did have a friend in first grade who was the size of a 4th/5th grader.  it was very hard on him because people expected him to act older.  (he topped out at 6'7")

my dd did tend to hunch to hide her height - self-conscious because she was taller than all the boys.  she got over it and was wearing 3" heels.  now, she wears low heels or flats.  she's 5'11.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Thank you all. She loves the idea that she just grew first and others will catch up. I have gotten behind in the pants/long enough shirts department (we're home schoolers so kid fashion wasn't a thought) but we'll hit the thrift store and shop Jrs I think. There's not much I can do about ballet and stage roles and height but maybe I'll ask about BB and volleyball again. Thank you again.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[lexi]

I suppose it could be her growth spurt but she has always been off the chart height wise. It wasn't really a problem until recently. Honestly the adult comment are much worse than kids. I don't think the kids say too much. I just wish people would check their mouths for two seconds before opening them. Even if I confront them, the damage is done, KWIM?

I was really tall when I was younger. Always the tallest in my class. My pediatrician told my parents I would be at least 5'8". I was taller than all the boys. I felt awkward and it was not fun.

I'm 5'2". I completely stopped growing in 7th grade. I'm now the short person. It's so strange!

But I remember all the comments about my height and especially the comments about how I looked nothing like my mom. It was hurtful to be singled out in that way. Why can't people just mind their own business?

And now, I have an 11 year old who is almost my height. She's fairly tall for her age and so very very lanky. People comment on her size a lot and especially on her weight - or lack thereof. It's so upsetting. She's healthy and active and cannot help that she's built that way. And people look at short dumpy me and wonder how she's my kid. And it's hurtful. Ugh!

[Tanaqui]

Please don't tell my 9 yo she won't go to prom or get to wear high heels.

 

Wow. Listen, if your date is more interested in your height than your mind, they're a horrible person and you'd be better off going to prom alone.

 

I suppose it could be her growth spurt but she has always been off the chart height wise.

 

So was I. And then I got my period at ten and stopped growing by twelve, and now am thoroughly average at 5'6". Although it isn't universal, it is common for women to stop growing not long after they start menstruating.

 

my only concern was if she was also going to develop precocious puberty.

 

By ten, menstruation is no longer considered "precocious" nowadays.