How Much to Accomadate Etiquette Question

[Χά�ων]

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Edited September 15, 2016 by Χά�ων

[Guest]

I'm actually totally confused. So this person is coming to an event like a wedding where they aren't wanted but will come, and where food is served but not food they'll eat, and outside food isn't permitted but it sort of is by exceptions? What?

 

And they're not even an adult?

 

I'd love to advise but I can't really keep straight what is even going on.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Bluegoat]

I'm finding the description of the food situation hard to follow.  Are you saying this person would want to bring illegal food, but you are letting people with allergies bring illegal food?  That sounds so odd I don't think it can be correct.

[wintermom]

If women are "beneath him", then I'd pass off all communication to your husband, father or father-in-law (with a cheer and a smile!). Let the men make all the exceptions with food that they desire. If you have 100 reasonable people to deal with, let someone else deal with the unreasonable one.

[Ravin]

I would publish the menu with the invite, and put a note asking individuals with food allergies to please contact to make alternative arrangements. 

[Ellie]

This is not an etiquette question.

 

I'm going to go with your last paragraph; pick one:

1. Let them eat fruit and popcorn
2. Make it clear said person is not invited and deal with the potential fall out.
3. Ask a friend to baby sit said person and keep them out of your hair.

 

[SKL]

I would hold him to the same rules as others re bringing in his own food.

 

If he is young enough to need a babysitter, then I don't think anyone should care what he says about women or anything else.

 

If he is someone's kid, maybe the parents need a talking-to.

[Liz CA]

I am not sure I am catching the essence of this but if this is a large party of 100 people, wouldn't you be able to busy yourself otherwise and not have to deal with this person too much beyond perhaps greeting him?

Also, if this is an extended family member or just friend, it shouldn't be difficult to keep enough distance so you are not so much affected by his behavior. Maybe remembering that he is responsible for his own actions and you are only accountable for yours would help? Can you do what you would normally do and not worry too much about the background noise?

[The Girls' Mom]

I'm thinking that the babysit comment is tongue-in cheek.  

 

I say, let the bunghole deal with their own food problems and wash your hands of them.  

[JustEm]

This is hard but I think I would simply not invite the person and deal with the familial fallout that is to come. For me, any family member that was willing to back up a person like that isn't someone I would want in my life, even if they themselves were wonderful people. Turning a blind eye to the disgusting treatment of women is not a character trait I want in my circle of friends and family.

 

But if that is really not an option than I would simply ask someone else to keep him out of my hair. I would likely not even talk to him at the event and certainly not worry about what he was eating. The facility that the event is at can decide what to do with someone breaking the outside food rule.

[justasque]

On the invite:  "Please note that the venue does not allow outside food.  If you have special food needs, please contact Person X to discuss possible arrangements."  Problem being he won't be getting one.
 

I'd hate to task *anyone* with "babysitting", as it will spoil the event for them, unless it is a relative who regularly takes on this role with this person.  Better yet a "team" who could take turns?

Is this someone you could speak to directly, and ask that certain subjects not be addressed at the event?  I'm guessing probably not.

[Χά�ων]

Like a wedding is a good way to view it. Or call it a massive party.

 

Person is an adult. I see how my babysit coment was confusing in hindsight. Hey it made sense in my head! ;) I meant I will ask a friend to keep them away from me and keep them from making it all about them.

 

Due to the set up and how we are gettng the space the no outside food rule is not as strict with us as it is with others. We are renting the kitchen to cook and can bring in our own ingredients. By illegal food, think along the lines of food made with pot. That is one ingredient I will not allow.

[justasque]

I am not open to this person bringing in outside food. The outside food will be only an option for those over the age of 21 or illegal in my state. The location has a no outside food or drink rule. The catch, I do not plan to enforce it with friends who have food allergies.

 

 

I don't quite understand the second sentence above.  That said, one option would be to discuss "special meals" with the venue, who are likely to be happy that you will be taking care of them.  I've done a large event where we did "special brown bag meals" for a select few people, for different reasons for each person.  We did a mix-and-match menu of easy-to-make items and put a variety in each bag.   (Sandwich, hummus, carrots, fruit; the sandwiches varied based on the special needs but were similar.)  Could you just suck it up and give this person a brown bag of pb&j, a bag of chips, and some apple slices?  To keep the peace?  Or better yet ask one of the people close to him to bring it (to save you the extra task on the day of)?

[Χά�ων]

I don't quite understand the second sentence above. That said, one option would be to discuss "special meals" with the venue, who are likely to be happy that you will be taking care of them. I've done a large event where we did "special brown bag meals" for a select few people, for different reasons for each person. We did a mix-and-match menu of easy-to-make items and put a variety in each bag. (Sandwich, hummus, carrots, fruit; the sandwiches varied based on the special needs but were similar.) Could you just suck it up and give this person a brown bag of pb&j, a bag of chips, and some apple slices? To keep the peace? Or better yet ask one of the people close to him to bring it (to save you the extra task on the day of)?

Said person will bring in booze and pot. Because they feel entitled.

 

Event will be a family friendly event with neither allowed.

[regentrude]

I am confused.

If the option not to invite the peraon is not viable, person will come.

You will serve whatever food you plan to serve.

Anybody who dislikes the food will have to suck it up and eat fruit. People with a medical condition xan always let you know beforehand.

I see no need to accommodate individuals' food preferences.

 

[Bluegoat]

I think if you are in fact allowed to bring in outside food, this person can bring in legal outside food.  That is no skin off your nose, no matter how big a jerk he is.

 

If he wants to bring in something like drugs or illegally imported food, then that is too bad for him, surely he could eat somethng else.

[zoobie]

This is a boundaries issue, not etiquette. The person is toxic, wants to hurt you and yours, and wants to bring contraband to trash your lovely party. Person is not invited. If person comes, call the police and have him removed for trespassing.

[Χά�ων]

I am confused.

If the option not to invite the peraon is not viable, person will come.

You will serve whatever food you plan to serve.

Anybody who dislikes the food will have to suck it up and eat fruit. People with a medical condition xan always let you know beforehand.

I see no need to accommodate individuals' food preferences.

I agree. I am feeling pressure to ensure this person gets what they want. That is how that persons family dynamics are and no amount of logic penetrates. Said person can do no wrong. What said person wants, said person gets. If said person says they need X because of Y and the next days shows that they lied about Y, they still get X and no one questions in.

 

I have nothing but disdain and disgust for this person. I am not sure I am at a point where I can even present my rational for not inviting or accomadating without feeling as though I have to have an iron clad excuse and even then I will be pressured to give in. Person's being invited and accomadated trumps my feelings.

[AmandaVT]

I am confused.

If the option not to invite the peraon is not viable, person will come.

You will serve whatever food you plan to serve.

Anybody who dislikes the food will have to suck it up and eat fruit. People with a medical condition xan always let you know beforehand.

I see no need to accommodate individuals' food preferences.

 

I agree. 

 

And if said person is my BIL, thanks for taking him off of our hands for a few hours...... :-)

 

Would it be totally weird to hire a bouncer or off duty cop to make sure no one brings in drugs? If you're renting the facility, will you be liable if someone brings in drugs? 

[The Girls' Mom]

Booze and pot?  That changes things.  I'm afraid that my head would spin around and said person would see the very ugly side of me, regardless of dynamics.  Is there someone at the venue that can kick them out for violation of policy/law?  

[gardenmom5]

 

 

is someone else likely to "invite" them if they don't get an invite from  you?

 

(I'm relieved it's not your spouse).  don't worry about this person's feelings.  do not make yourself a victim trying to be polite. enforce boundaries, and be firm.  they'll have a hissy because they're immature and not likely to grow up.  those types often have hissys when they don't get their way.  tantrums work for them.  c'est la vie.

 

if you absolutely can't ban them (someone this rude, I probably wouldn't have a problem saying (if someone does) - so sorry someone else extended an invitation, it wasn't their place.    we didn't send one.  :nopity: wouldn't want to make  you horribly unhappy by having to eat ethnic food with a woman in charge. :nopity: )  repeat as often as necessary.  this is NOT a person whose (nonexistent) feelings you need to worry about sparing.

 

if you do decide to go the way of allowing them to show up - let them eat before they come.  

 

I wouldnt' want them there -  you have (non-family?) *guests* who don't deserve to have this person thrust upon them!

[Χά�ων]

I have food allergies and when I know I can't eat the food served, i get by on fruit. Popcorn is problematic for me, as I never know what will be on it. I don't make fuss, but just go with sweets and fruit, thus avoiding the MSG.

Yes, and there are people on the guest list with allergies vs preferences who I will accomadate. I had a horrible milk allergy growing up (trace of milk = ER trip) and I do not want anyone to be stuck with just fruit. If I can make it possible for them to have treats, I will.

 

 

Are you allergic to popcorn or the oil? Just wondering, I have only met one other person with a corn allergy. They rest could not have ingredients in the oil.

[Χά�ων]

Booze and pot? That changes things. I'm afraid that my head would spin around and said person would see the very ugly side of me, regardless of dynamics. Is there someone at the venue that can kick them out for violation of policy/law?

Yes, there is. And I bet they would not mind a free meal for ther trouble!

[Χά�ων]

I think if you are in fact allowed to bring in outside food, this person can bring in legal outside food. That is no skin off your nose, no matter how big a jerk he is.

 

If he wants to bring in something like drugs or illegally imported food, then that is too bad for him, surely he could eat somethng else.

My understanding is that since we are renting the kitchen we can, otherwise no.

 

But you bring up a good point.

[Guest]

Said person will bring in booze and pot. Because they feel entitled.

 

Event will be a family friendly event with neither allowed.

Ah, makes more sense. Don't invite them, make clear that prior accommodations for allergies must be made, and screen for outside food and drink. Especially if the facility doesn't allow controlled substances it should r be a problem to enforce.

[Bluegoat]

Said person will bring in booze and pot. Because they feel entitled.

 

Event will be a family friendly event with neither allowed.

 

Ok, well, those things aren't food, and I am guessing no one is supposed to bring them.

 

Is this person going to be sneaky about it?  As in, he'll be falling down drunk or lighting up in the hall?  Or going out behind the building for a toke?

 

If the latter, I might be inclined to ignore it, there are limits to the control you can assert over others. 

 

If he is likely to be obviously intoxicated or imbibing openly, that is a different issue.  My inclination would be to somehow divest yourself of that responsibility.  Possibly to the venue in some way, but if not to a family member who has some authoritative weight with this person and will also see why it is important to keep it under control.

[elegantlion]

It depends on how many craps you give about being ostracized. If it is a detriment to your child or your safety to NOT invite said person, I would invite them and put someone in charge of helping you avoid them. If they will bring in outside "treats" and beverages, I WOULD get someone else to enforce that, even if it has to be you, and cite liability reasons for the venue (which may or may not be the case) as the reason you cannot allow that. If they start a scene, do not engage and invite them to leave if they are not happy with what you set up. I would be looking at people who are on my side and discuss this issue with them beforehand. 

 

I would play 1000 scenarios in my head, including all Hades breaking loose with loud confrontation, just to be prepared for anything. It would probably include me calling the police about anything containing illegal substances if necessary. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm thinking that the babysit comment is tongue-in cheek.  

 

I say, let the bunghole deal with their own food problems and wash your hands of them.  

I understood the babysitting comment.  along the lines of Jackie bouvier Kennedy's mother at her wedding.  she gave someone the task of "visiting" Jack bouvier (from whom she was divorced) the morning of the wedding - and getting him drunk so he'd miss it.

 

Wow--someone will bring in booze and pot? Amazing. 

my sister's inlaws brought CASES of beer.  she'd had a few bottle of champagne so it would be "classy".

 

I agree. I am feeling pressure to ensure this person gets what they want. That is how that persons family dynamics are and no amount of logic penetrates. Said person can do no wrong. What said person wants, said person gets. If said person says they need X because of Y and the next days shows that they lied about Y, they still get X and no one questions in.

 

I have nothing but disdain and disgust for this person. I am not sure I am at a point where I can even present my rational for not inviting or accomadating without feeling as though I have to have an iron clad excuse and even then I will be pressured to give in. Person's being invited and accomadated trumps my feelings.

 

this person is toxic.  have you read up on narcisstic personality disorder?  not saying that's what is here, but there are some very good tips on how to enforce boundaries with said person AND their family who *make excuses* for him.  they make excuses because it's easier than holding him accountable and dealing with the fall-out.

 

I'd hire a bouncer.  anyone causing trouble, is shown the door.  if his family invites him - I'd show him the door.  if his family makes scenes "at the wedding" because he's NOT invited -I'd have the bouncer show them the door too.

 

boundaries have to start somewhere, and while it can be unpleasant and messy in the beginning, eventually they get the message about what is and is not tolerated.   they'll either comply - or you wont' be "blessed by their presence".

[Χά�ων]

Ok, well, those things aren't food, and I am guessing no one is supposed to bring them.

 

Is this person going to be sneaky about it? As in, he'll be falling down drunk or lighting up in the hall? Or going out behind the building for a toke?

 

If the latter, I might be inclined to ignore it, there are limits to the control you can assert over others.

 

If he is likely to be obviously intoxicated or imbibing openly, that is a different issue. My inclination would be to somehow divest yourself of that responsibility. Possibly to the venue in some way, but if not to a family member who has some authoritative weight with this person and will also see why it is important to keep it under control.

I foresee heavy drinking front and center, because it is all about them. The pot may end up in a brownie or other food. Having kids from toddlers though teens who eat everything, I do not see it easy to get everyone to understand not to touch.

 

 

I like the idea several people have said of having someone else dealing with them and stepping back. That will be the best way, but hard for me. I know if I do nt tell them they are not invited they will end up invited. I am not heavily steeped in the family dynamics and am better able to say no. I am firm in my I do not want them at all and if I have to invite them they can sit off in the corner and eat fruit and popcorn and deal with it.

 

I will ask a friend to work the door and "help" with the food and just dump it in the dumpster outback so it never makes it to the food tables. There is a distance from parking to the door so that will limit how much booze person can carry at one time and give time to take it out the rear entrance.

 

Delegate delegate delegate. My greatest weakness.

[Anne in CA]

Said person will bring in booze and pot. Because they feel entitled.

 

Event will be a family friendly event with neither allowed.

OOOKKKAAYYY. That changes my answer completely. Any relatives who expect you to invite someone who would do that need to be written off. Have your event. Have it the way you want it.

 

As someone who has catered more than 1000 weddings and countless bar mitzvahs, quinceaneras, and other family events I know that the option where a friend keeps him from ruining your party is not really an option. It is a fantasy. So you have two options. Put up with it or don't. If people think you need to be a doormat for this jerk, it is their problem, not yours.

 

You might be surprised at how many people will back you up if you use the fact that he WILL bring booze or pot to your event. You are entitled to boundaries, you do not want the legal liability that he's going to give you. Trust me of this. He won't own up to any responsibility if something goes wrong. You are entitled to have your event in a safe environment. Someone who would bring booze or pot where it isn't welcome is not worth the trouble they bring to your life. People who want to side with him are not people you really want in your life either.

[FriedClams]

I would not invite them. I would make it clear to the relevant adults that said person is not invited. I wouldn't really care too much about consequences. Honestly, I suspect it'll be like pulling of a band aid - a sharp pain, then move on. If people are rude, condescending, and generally unhelpful and belittling, I have no time for them. It's your event. It's a celebration. Go celebrate.

[Χά�ων]

I never know what they've put on it--they might decide that it needs some sort of spice or "natural flavoring". That's code for MSG. It's not a big deal at potlucks--I just bring my own main dish or stick with sweets. Every time I think "Oh, I'll risk it", I end up sick for weeks. We're going to some dog trials this weekend, and I won't be eating "fair food".

Wow. I have a popcorn machine and use coconut oil and let people salt their own in their own bowl. I cannot stand the flavors, they do not make me sick, they are just nasty. It is the main reason I bought a large popcorn machine, to have yummy popcorn.

[KungFuPanda]

Us there a downside to bring ostracized by people who think this guy is awesome? They not sound like people I'd care to cook for and entertain. Life is too short and after all that work you should enjoy your event, not dread it. If anyone asks about him not getting invited just tell them "I knew he wouldn't like the food so I didn't think he'd enjoy it."

[bettyandbob]

Is the a-h BIL/FIL/cousin/uncle rich or something. He clearly maintains a position of power in the family. I'd struggle to maintain relationships with family members who insist on coddling or bowing to such a person.

 

Seriously bring pot and booze to any event where BYO is not suggested is just beyond fathomable. In my circles if you want to drink or smoke, you go to the event, say pleasantries to the host and leave early.

 

If this person must come, publish the menu ahead and find someone to run interference so you can focus on being host to others.

[Χά�ων]

I understood the babysitting comment. along the lines of Jackie bouvier Kennedy's mother at her wedding. she gave someone the task of "visiting" Jack bouvier (from whom she was divorced) the morning of the wedding - and getting him drunk so he'd miss it.

 

my sister's inlaws brought CASES of beer. she'd had a few bottle of champagne so it would be "classy".

 

 

this person is toxic. have you read up on narcisstic personality disorder? not saying that's what is here, but there are some very good tips on how to enforce boundaries with said person AND their family who *make excuses* for him. they make excuses because it's easier than holding him accountable and dealing with the fall-out.

 

I'd hire a bouncer. anyone causing trouble, is shown the door. if his family invites him - I'd show him the door. if his family makes scenes "at the wedding" because he's NOT invited -I'd have the bouncer show them the door too.

 

boundaries have to start somewhere, and while it can be unpleasant and messy in the beginning, eventually they get the message about what is and is not tolerated. they'll either comply - or you wont' be "blessed by their presence".

I have read a bit. I will read more, git links? Edited September 7, 2016 by Χά�ων

[Χά�ων]

Is the a-h bil

 

Yes.

[Χά�ων]

OOOKKKAAYYY. That changes my answer completely. Any relatives who expect you to invite someone who would do that need to be written off. Have your event. Have it the way you want it.

 

As someone who has catered more than 1000 weddings and countless bar mitzvahs, quinceaneras, and other family events I know that the option where a friend keeps him from ruining your party is not really an option. It is a fantasy. So you have two options. Put up with it or don't. If people think you need to be a doormat for this jerk, it is their problem, not yours.

 

You might be surprised at how many people will back you up if you use the fact that he WILL bring booze or pot to your event. You are entitled to boundaries, you do not want the legal liability that he's going to give you. Trust me of this. He won't own up to any responsibility if something goes wrong. You are entitled to have your event in a safe environment. Someone who would bring booze or pot where it isn't welcome is not worth the trouble they bring to your life. People who want to side with him are not people you really want in your life either.

Thanks!

[El...]

Wow.  That would not be okay with me.  If I were you, I'd get a squad of responsible family members or friends, discuss with them that you are concerned this person will bring pot, which is illegal, to your party, and that you need them to stop and evict him if he does this.  Get some young men on it.  :)  The alcohol.... that's mostly legal, so I might look past it a little, but putting pot brownies out for the party would NOT be ok. 

 

I wouldn't get into the rest of your issues with this, um, jerk.  Keep it simple.  This is about pot at your party.

 

People who are getting married (cough) have been known to designate certain groomsmen as bouncers, even to the point of showing a photo of the possible offender to the bouncer-groomsmen.  If the person acts crazy, agree in advance that you will call the police. 

 

Another idea, if you are using a venue with staff and a manager, is to discuss the potential problem with them.  They have surely had experience dealing with people like this before, and may have recommendations for you and help you, if you phrase it as asking for their advice.  Be careful that you phrase it well; you are on the same side.

[PrincessMommy]

I agree. I am feeling pressure to ensure this person gets what they want. That is how that persons family dynamics are and no amount of logic penetrates. Said person can do no wrong. What said person wants, said person gets. If said person says they need X because of Y and the next days shows that they lied about Y, they still get X and no one questions in.

 

I have nothing but disdain and disgust for this person. I am not sure I am at a point where I can even present my rational for not inviting or accomadating without feeling as though I have to have an iron clad excuse and even then I will be pressured to give in. Person's being invited and accomadated trumps my feelings.

 

I think I get it.   They want peace and will do anything to preserve it, including giving in to a tyrant.  I agree that your feelings don't matter to them but it really only trumps your feelings if you allow them to have their way.    Does your dh support you? 

 

Tell others if they want to host a party with annoying family member they are welcome to do so. 

 

As you've hinted, the only reason his bad behavior continues is because people allow him to act like that.

 

That said, it understand how hard it is to be *the only* person to stand up to a family bully.  It's hard to be the bad guy. :grouphug:

[justasque]

I think you have to make a decision about the invites.  If this person is going to come anyway, and you aren't going to kick him out, then it's best to send an invitation.  I know event invites are often short on practical info, but I am a fan of spelling things out so people can plan accordingly.  So give him the info he needs, both so he can decide whether or not to come, and so he can't claim he didn't know the rules.  -- 

 

"Please join us for an [italian, Mexican, Peruvian] dinner, followed by dancing.  Vegetarian options will be available.  Please contact us if you have special dietary needs.  [beer, hard cider, and a variety of non-alcoholic drinks will be served.]  [Lemonade, water, and soft drinks will accompany the meal.]  At the request of the venue, outside food and alcohol will not be allowed."  

You could add:  "Please, no alcohol or other intoxicants at this family-friendly event.  If you'd like a drink afterwards, we recommend Joe's Bar, which is across the street and open late."

[gardenmom5]

I think I get it.   They want peace and will do anything to preserve it, including giving in to a tyrant.  I agree that your feelings don't matter to them but it really only trumps your feelings if you allow them to have their way.    Does your dh support you? 

 

Tell others if they want to host a party with annoying family member they are welcome to do so. 

 

As you've hinted, the only reason his bad behavior continues is because people allow him to act like that.

 

That said, it understand how hard it is to be *the only* person to stand up to a family bully.  It's hard to be the bad guy. :grouphug:

 

depending upon the size of the family - it can also surprise you how many will support you standing up to him.  (even if they choose to "stay out of it" by not saying anything.)  especially those who aren't this person's spouse or children, but are also afraid or at a loss of how to deal with him.

 

OP you don't need to make an excuse for not inviting. simply, be upfront.  he is excruciatingly rude and it is unfair to force any of your guests to have to deal with him. (you don't have to make this about your feelings.)  be firm with family that he's not invited due to how he has repeatedly chosen to behave. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would strongly advise you and your dh attending Al-Anon meetings.  What you are describing is an addict with perhaps a personality disorder. 

[Garga]

Well.....I'm an introvert.  I don't really want people hanging around me.  I haven't had anyone to the house in over 2 years and my honest hope is to go at least a decade without guests.  I used to like going to parties, but I don't anymore.  I can go months and months without calling my mother, and I love her dearly.

 

My kids and husband feel the same way (except DH talks to his mom more than I talk to mine.)

 

Also, I really struggle with feeling anything other than absolute hate and contempt for men who hate women.  I try not to be hateful about people who are hateful because I don't want to be like them, but men like that make me soooo furious.

​You need to understand all that so that you can decide whether or not to use my advice.

 

My advice:  don't invite him.  If he shows up anyway, don't accommodate.  If he brings food tell him flat out, "Since you probably laced this with pot, I'm tossing it."  And toss it into a trashcan and pour water on it so he can't fish it out.  I'm not sure how far I'd go with the beer.  Tell him not to bring it from his car to the venue. If he brings it anyway and if it isn't supposed to be on the premises (I was unclear on that part), then call whatever authorities should be called to enforce that rule. 

 

From my point of view, I wouldn't be interested in relationships with him or with anyone who likes him enough to ignore my wants/needs.  In fact, I would feel wonderfully light inside to get them out of my circle and wouldn't miss them at all. 

 

But again: I'm an introvert, so not being around people doesn't bother me.  I like it better that way.

[Valley Girl]

I haven't hosted a big event at an outside venue for many years. However, the times we did, we were required per the facility's policy to hire an off-duty police officer to be on-site in uniform to deal with anyone who became inebriated and such. That might be a more drastic solution than you're looking for, but I'd consider it in light of the issue of illegal drugs and alcohol being brought in. If nothing else, it might get said person to take the rule more seriously. Sorry you're dealing with such an absolute jerk.

[EMS83]

Well, everyone else has already made some good suggestions, so  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:.

[Kiara.I]

Said person will bring in booze and pot. Because they feel entitled.

 

Event will be a family friendly event with neither allowed.

 

WOOHOO!

 

Problem solved.  The instant they show up with either booze or pot, phone the police immediately to have them removed.

[Jyhwkmama]

Make it clear that this person is NOT invited. Etiquette does not apply in this situation.

 

Get a bouncer. Deny the offender entry and have him removed from the premises.

[ktgrok]

Yes, hire a police officer. Many venues require it. Specify in an email/invite/whatever no outside food or drink. That security will enforce the no alcohol rule. 

[Guest]

We emphasize that the event is family friendly. A male will ensure that 'family friendly' is decoded correctly, and that the party animals know where the afterparty is - they can drink there. If anyone shows up impaired, they will be taken to get some air.

[FaithManor]

I foresee heavy drinking front and center, because it is all about them. The pot may end up in a brownie or other food. Having kids from toddlers though teens who eat everything, I do not see it easy to get everyone to understand not to touch.

 

 

I like the idea several people have said of having someone else dealing with them and stepping back. That will be the best way, but hard for me. I know if I do nt tell them they are not invited they will end up invited. I am not heavily steeped in the family dynamics and am better able to say no. I am firm in my I do not want them at all and if I have to invite them they can sit off in the corner and eat fruit and popcorn and deal with it.

 

I will ask a friend to work the door and "help" with the food and just dump it in the dumpster outback so it never makes it to the food tables. There is a distance from parking to the door so that will limit how much booze person can carry at one time and give time to take it out the rear entrance.

 

Delegate delegate delegate. My greatest weakness.

Pot in the food? You call the cops. Period. If you don't and a minor gets into it, anyone who has been managing the kitchen or prepping food could be in serious legal trouble. He goes to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200!

 

Seriously I literally would not give a rat's rear about anyone who would ostracize me for not accommodating such a horrible person. Good riddance to all of them, and anyone who enables this and tries to goad others into it as well does not ever meed to be around me or my kids ever again.