S/O Financial Mindset Thread - Your Childhood Issue?

[TranquilMind]

One poster on the thread that was already a spin-off from a financial thread said something that intrigued me.

 

Scarlett:  "It is hard though. Weird things scare me.

Most of us have some issue from our childhood. We are all doing the best we can."

 

 

Now, she was referring to financial matters in particular there, as that was the topic, but the part that caught my attention was the thought that most of us have an issue from our childhood that affects our current behavior in ways that aren't always rational.

 

What things affect you even today that you know stem from childhood?

 

Mine:

 

Frugality - living in a house below our means.  My mother was just able to hold on to our house due to extreme medical expenses of a sibling.  It was a tiny house that once housed our largish family, but was perfect for her in later years.    I have looked longingly at gorgeous houses over the years, and most of our professional peers live in them.  We live in a house similar to my parents' home. 

 

Speaking of houses, Furniture placement.  I put furniture in place ONE time and never again move it into another position until we move out of that house.  My parents did this; I did this. 

 

Toilets - Now I KNOW this is weird, but back in the days before child seats (or maybe we just couldn't afford one), I fell into the toilet.  Yes, my little legs and arms were sticking out while I shrieked for my mom.  To this day, many decades later, my heart pounds and I start freaking out if the toilet ever even acts like it is going to overflow.   I specifically purchased expensive toilets that are known not to overflow and I once had my husband come home from work because of the toilet.  Yes, I know this is weird.  ;)

 

Trust- My trust was breached in major ways in childhood.  I scrutinized my husband like the CIA  before we married.  He has proven trustworthy, then and still.  I scrutinized tenants the same way for decades - never had an eviction.  To this day, I rarely trust anyone.  '

 

Yours? 

Edited April 21, 2016 by TranquilMind

[creekland]

Biggest issue?

 

Control.  I'm not sure this is 100% childhood or if a bit of it is genetics since some of it has gone on prior to my parent's divorce when I was 11, but after the divorce I was pretty much on my own.  I lived with dad - he paid the bills - but any cooking, cleaning, or general figuring things out about life?  That was mine.  

 

I like it that way.  It took me well past my college years to learn to be able to work within a group (nicely), but that only works if control is shared (we're all equals).  I still have massive issues letting anyone else be in control of something I care about.  I can let a mechanic work on our car without knowing any details or similar, but there's no way I can give anyone a blank slate with medical things, planning trips, or even our garden.

 

At school I need to be in control too.  This helps in classes as I have no difficulty with kids.  If I need to work with another teacher, I often end up controlling things there too (in ways where the other teacher doesn't mind ;) .  I have to put myself into a mindset to not do so like when I'm supervising a student teacher.  It doesn't come naturally.

 

I've taught myself to be quiet and walk away rather than arguing with someone in some situations.  That's a plus.   :coolgleamA:

 

This has plenty of terrific uses.  I'm afraid of very little.  Things get done.  I'm loved at my job.

 

It runs into problems in cases where I don't know enough, but can't bring myself to let someone else take charge.  If I were to think I had meningitis or a heart issue, I know I won't make it because there's no way I'd head to an emergency room quickly enough when I have the option to try sleeping it off first.  I can understand the reasons to get care, but not actually bring myself to do it.  Fortunately, most things in life can be slept off!

 

With our marriage it works well because hubby and I have different strengths.  He likes having me keep the big picture while he takes care of the actual nuts and bolts of life.  ("Honey, the fence needs fixing today."  "No problem.")

 

Then there are issues of being raised by a Hoarder (my dad).  It can be tough for me to get rid of things even though I haven't inherited his genetics on that totally.  I'm repulsed by the conditions of his house, but there could be a use for that envelope later...  I will reuse things (a good thing IMO), but sooner or later I need to admit not all of it needs to be saved.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Probably the financial fear too. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, something to be overwhelming that I can't afford, not matter how much I've saved I can't spend that money. I never, never replace things unless they are broken/worn beyond all repair. I also can't spend money frivolously on myself. It's annoying and I can see the problem but overcoming it is something else.  I also don't like to try to fix things myself because what if I make it worse? Which comes right back to the above. If my brother or I broke something it was 'the end of the world'. I believe my parents were just living out their own very, very poor upbringings. No blame just how it worked out. I'm working on it but....for example even though I know we have savings and insurance I'm stressing about 2 kids needing wisdom tooth removal this summer. It makes me nauseous.

[UCF612]

I'm pretty private about things. When I was a kid I was telling one of my best friends about a trip my family had just taken (we spent many years pretty darn poor and then my dad took on a 2nd job working for an airline so we got to fly for free). She looked at me and told me I bragged too much. I was devastated. I hadn't meant to be bragging I was just sharing what we'd done. After that I kept my trap shut about everything! Then I started having friends complain that I didn't tell them things but that first sting of being accused of bragging really changed me. I'm actually still very good friends with the friend that said it. She probably had no memory of it yet it was powerful to me.

[The Girls' Mom]

My childhood was not good, and I lived most of it in fear.  There are many things that has affected.  

 

I conflict-avoid to the extreme.  It is extremely hard for me to do anything that I think will start a disagreement with my dh.  So we never argue.  And stuff builds up until I reach a breaking point.  Ugh.

 

I have irrational fears related to trust and safety.  I've worked hard to keep them from outwardly affecting my life, but they are still there.  I still, after 25 years of being married to an emotional rock, have the fear that he'll snap and go crazy.  (no basis in reality, I assure you) If he gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water, I often feel complete terror until I get myself under control. (I've never told him this, btw) It is because of things that happened when I was a kid and has nothing to do with him as a person. 

I used to have a fear of knives that I've managed to cure myself of.  At one time I couldn't leave a knife out in the open at all.  

 

I always wait for bad things to happen.  The better things are going, the worse the feeling is that something bad will happen.  I've even sabotaged myself several times and ruined good things.  

 

Some good that has come from it though:  I have tried so hard to be a good, kind mom to my girls.  Coming from the mess that I grew up in, I was able to know the damage, first hand, that words and actions can have on a child.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I did give my kids the stable, loving home that I never had.  

[Crimson Wife]

Emotional and stress eating

[kewb]

I have many hangups from childhood.

Control freak issues about money.

Major Conflict avoidance.

Unhealthy relationship with food.

[kiana]

Food. I'm always afraid I'm going to run out of food. I'm starting to get antsy now because there hasn't been a sale in a while and I've only got like 2 week's worth of vegetables (even though intellectually I am perfectly aware that I could go out and buy more vegetables and actually pay the full price for them). If food is sitting out I can't leave it alone (this was a serious contributing factor to obesity). Parents, please don't ever use food as a weapon/punishment. 

 

Frugality. I'm tremendously incapable of spending any money on myself. I can just about justify it if it's for fitness or physical health or something like that, but when I see people talking about enjoying going out for a manicure or a haircut or a dinner out I cannot relate or understand. 

Edited April 21, 2016 by kiana

[TranquilMind]

I'm pretty private about things. When I was a kid I was telling one of my best friends about a trip my family had just taken (we spent many years pretty darn poor and then my dad took on a 2nd job working for an airline so we got to fly for free). She looked at me and told me I bragged too much. I was devastated. I hadn't meant to be bragging I was just sharing what we'd done. After that I kept my trap shut about everything! Then I started having friends complain that I didn't tell them things but that first sting of being accused of bragging really changed me. I'm actually still very good friends with the friend that said it. She probably had no memory of it yet it was powerful to me.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry that happened!  You weren't bragging at all! 

 

I totally get what you are saying.  I don't share much either.  This post is probably the most open I ever am!  ;)

[TranquilMind]

My childhood was not good, and I lived most of it in fear.  There are many things that has affected.  

 

I conflict-avoid to the extreme.  It is extremely hard for me to do anything that I think will start a disagreement with my dh.  So we never argue.  And stuff builds up until I reach a breaking point.  Ugh.

 

I have irrational fears related to trust and safety.  I've worked hard to keep them from outwardly affecting my life, but they are still there.  I still, after 25 years of being married to an emotional rock, have the fear that he'll snap and go crazy.  (no basis in reality, I assure you) If he gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water, I often feel complete terror until I get myself under control. (I've never told him this, btw) It is because of things that happened when I was a kid and has nothing to do with him as a person. 

 

I used to have a fear of knives that I've managed to cure myself of.  At one time I couldn't leave a knife out in the open at all.  

 

I always wait for bad things to happen.  The better things are going, the worse the feeling is that something bad will happen.  I've even sabotaged myself several times and ruined good things.  

 

Some good that has come from it though:  I have tried so hard to be a good, kind mom to my girls.  Coming from the mess that I grew up in, I was able to know the damage, first hand, that words and actions can have on a child.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I did give my kids the stable, loving home that I never had.  

 

Aww...I'm sure you are a great mom. 

 

I'm sorry. 

I tell myself daily that I refuse to live in fear or doubt.  I say it out loud. 

 

I think doing that helps. 

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 22, 2016 by _ ?^..

[TranquilMind]

Biggest issue?

 

Control.  I'm not sure this is 100% childhood or if a bit of it is genetics since some of it has gone on prior to my parent's divorce when I was 11, but after the divorce I was pretty much on my own.  I lived with dad - he paid the bills - but any cooking, cleaning, or general figuring things out about life?  That was mine.  

 

I like it that way.  It took me well past my college years to learn to be able to work within a group (nicely), but that only works if control is shared (we're all equals).  I still have massive issues letting anyone else be in control of something I care about.  I can let a mechanic work on our car without knowing any details or similar, but there's no way I can give anyone a blank slate with medical things, planning trips, or even our garden.

 

At school I need to be in control too.  This helps in classes as I have no difficulty with kids.  If I need to work with another teacher, I often end up controlling things there too (in ways where the other teacher doesn't mind ;) .  I have to put myself into a mindset to not do so like when I'm supervising a student teacher.  It doesn't come naturally.

 

I've taught myself to be quiet and walk away rather than arguing with someone in some situations.  That's a plus.   :coolgleamA:

 

This has plenty of terrific uses.  I'm afraid of very little.  Things get done.  I'm loved at my job.

 

It runs into problems in cases where I don't know enough, but can't bring myself to let someone else take charge.  If I were to think I had meningitis or a heart issue, I know I won't make it because there's no way I'd head to an emergency room quickly enough when I have the option to try sleeping it off first.  I can understand the reasons to get care, but not actually bring myself to do it.  Fortunately, most things in life can be slept off!

 

With our marriage it works well because hubby and I have different strengths.  He likes having me keep the big picture while he takes care of the actual nuts and bolts of life.  ("Honey, the fence needs fixing today."  "No problem.")

 

Then there are issues of being raised by a Hoarder (my dad).  It can be tough for me to get rid of things even though I haven't inherited his genetics on that totally.  I'm repulsed by the conditions of his house, but there could be a use for that envelope later...  I will reuse things (a good thing IMO), but sooner or later I need to admit not all of it needs to be saved.

 

I think control is just a natural outcome when there was insecurity in childhood. 

 

Like you, my husband has different strengths.  It has worked out well. I'm a problem solver who gets things done.

Of course that means I am upset when I can't actually do anything about a problem.  Especially about grown kids.  If they would just LISTEN, I could save them so much trouble and pain (thought every mother who ever lived...).  ;)

 

[TranquilMind]

Gossips.  I loathe them with a passion.  Caused by hours and hours of having to sit around and listen to my mother and her equally gossipy sister trash everyone under the sun, including my paternal grandparents whom I loved dearly and loved me dearly, every. single. time. we were spending my father's 4-week vacations with them.

 

And there is a definite difference between asking about someone out of concern in general, and gossip. 

 

Ugh.  Totally with you on that one.  I've actually said out loud that (person) isn't here to defend herself, so maybe we'd better ask her about it.  Something like that.  Makes me very popular with gossips, as you can imagine. 

[creekland]

 

Of course that means I am upset when I can't actually do anything about a problem.  

 

 

Yes, this is about the only thing in life that causes me stress.  Fortunately, I can let most things go simply because I don't care about them or I can convince myself that I don't care. (Like easily fixed problems on a message board.   :lol:  Or in reality, the issues with the public school I work in.  I can't control it all, but I can control my part and I could homeschool my kids.)

 

But when that's not the case...  :cursing:  :mad:  :banghead:

 

The sad part about the real world is there are issues that can't be fixed or ignored.

[Anne in CA]

Control is probably a big one. I can't work for someone who I don't trust. I had a great corporate job for years with a boss I could trust, but I don't do well for people I don't trust.

 

 

[PinkTulip]

Being on time - I am completely hyper about it. Once when I was about 9, I stayed after my swim team practice for a private lesson. My mom forgot to come back to get me after picking everyone else up, and I sat out on the curb for about 2 hours. The phone in the clubhouse was a long walk away, and out of view of the street, so I was worried that if I went in to use the phone to call her, she would come while I was in there, and then I would miss her. I finally got up the courage to go call and she wasn't home. I ended up calling my dad at his office, and he left an important meeting to come get me. I can only imagine the conversation that occurred between my parents that night.

 

Now with my own kids, I am completely hyper about being early to pick them up for their things - I spend a lot of time sitting in my car in parking lots waiting for their activities to finish. I am also the mom my kids friends know they can count on to always give them a ride home. I'm constantly telling my kids to "ask Johnny if he needs a ride home."

[Storygirl]

I have a lot of trouble spending money on clothes for myself. I don't like spending money in general, but clothes are definitely a hard thing for me.

 

My mom overspent on clothing. She was a shopaholic. She had over 200 pairs of shoes, 40 or 50 Christmas sweaters, racks and piles and closets of clothes. She had a purse to match every kind of outfit and multiple winter coats so that she could match her coats to her clothing. When she was in eighth grade, her childhood home burned, and her family lost everything. She had to wear hand-me-down clothing and thrift store finds for the next few years, and she said that she thought her clothes habit as an adult was related to her deprivation as a child.

 

Now I've gone the other direction. I've always been frugal, but after cleaning out all of her closets and getting rid of her clothing and shoes when she entered the nursing home, I see spending money on clothing as a waste. I buy myself as little as possible, and only from the sale and clearance racks. I only shop for myself two or three times a year, when I really need something. If something costs more than $10 or $15 dollars, I put it back on the rack, though I do have to pay more for shoes, because I have narrow feet.

 

DD14 loves shopping for clothing. I don't take her very often, and when we do go, I get anxious and make her put most items back. I really feel that if we have a closet of clothes we can wear at home (and we do have plenty), that we shouldn't spend money on more. I've seen the extreme end of what can happen, and it makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 22, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Crimson Wife]

 Parents, please don't ever use food as a weapon/punishment.

 

And the solution to disappointment is not baking cookies or a trip to the ice cream parlor. Especially if you are otherwise strict about eating healthy (e.g. it's not, "let's take our monthly trip to Friendly's today instead of next week.")

[BooksandBoys]

Overbuying of on-sale food because I'm driven to hoard groceries so we won't go hungry (I'm better about this). I grew up with significant food insecurity and constant messages about how much food cost.

 

Fear of medical expenses (I've made poor career decisions to have better insurance because we didn't have it when I was a kid and that resulted in several traumatic medical issues including me trying to hide a severe injury when I was 8 because I knew my parents couldn't afford the medical care). I now strive to accept adequate insurance if it means a better career choice.

 

Extreme frugality: other than overbuying food, I under-buy everything else. I feel guilt when I spend money on myself, especially clothes (I got my first job at 11 and was thereafter responsible for buying all of my clothes/toiletries and paying for my extracurriculars, if I could afford them. I worked a lot.) I feel guilt when I spend money on our kids. I feel guilty over our grocery budget (we have significant food allergies,so it's high). I feel significant embarrassment/shame that I can't be frugal enough to make it in our high COL area (we are almost certainly moving this summer). Surely, if I were more careful (how?) we'd be ok? These thoughts make no sense, but I grew up being told that responsible people have money (my dad was highly irresponsible, so, no money, and he refused to let my mother work).

[pinkmint]

Are we talking about financial issues from childhood or just issues in general in childhood? Very big can of worms.

 

General issues stemming from childhood is a funny thing because there's this sort of shaming that goes on if we admit that we were negatively effected/ influenced in our growing up years. It's like "You're making excuses"/ "Stop blaming your parents"/ "Shut up and be responsible for your own behavior". On one hand I understand and agree to an extent especially because bitterness can take over a person's life. It's just a reality though that children can have life-long things to deal with when exposed to the failings of their caregivers and other bad experiences.

 

There's too much to comment on with my own childhood. I will say though that I find it very hard to relate to my peer group and the things they went through with their parents. I haven't really met anyone else whose mom was a sexually promiscuous, substance abusing, neglectful single mom.

Edited April 21, 2016 by pinkmint

[TranquilMind]

I survived a devastating tornado when I was 7yo.

 

Wichita Falls, Texas, April 10, 1979, aka "Terrible Tuesday" - the country's most destructive tornado up to that date.

 

For years upon years, I had tornado-related nightmares, well into my adulthood. (Still occasionally have them.)

 

I am completely irrational whenever we are under a tornado warning.

I completely get that.  I'm sorry.

 

[creekland]

General issues stemming from childhood is a funny thing because there's this sort of shaming that goes on if we admit that we were negatively effected/ influenced in our growing up years. It's like "You're making excuses"/ "Stop blaming your parents"/ "Shut up and be responsible for your own behavior". On one hand I understand and agree to an extent especially because bitterness can take over a person's life. It's just a reality though that children can have life-long things to deal with when exposed to the failings of their caregivers and other bad experiences.  

 

Not everyone is bitter about things.  Sometimes we just muse about how we got the way we are.  Saying one is going to change is not at all an easy thing.  Ok, saying it might be easy.  Actually doing it is something else entirely.

 

One more from my youth is my dad always made us late for church.  We literally would walk in to our very small town church around the third or fourth verse of the first song - well after the service had started.  To this day I make sure we're early for church.  I won't go in if we're even a minute late.  Would it bother my friends or other folks there - even our pastor?  Absolutely not, esp since it wouldn't happen every week.  But it would bother me considerably.  I will NOT do it.

 

It is very tough for me to do most medical/doctor appts too - not from fear (at all) - merely that control thing.  One would think I'd be over that by now (sigh).  Far easier said than done.  One kid at school today asked me why I didn't remove a small mass from my hand myself being a science person (procedure happens Monday).  I told her I'd seriously considered it more than once since it doesn't look that difficult.  This didn't surprise her at all. :lol: 

 

I wish I could take care of ALL medical issues myself TBH.  I've thought of cancelling too... fortunately, the guy who is taking it off was smart enough to explain a bit of the reasoning and process - all thoughts I can use to convince myself it's beyond my ability and wise to trust him to get it done.  Without those reasons/process, it wouldn't be happening - at least - not by him.

[kiana]

For me at least, realizing that I did things that I hated not because I was a fundamentally flawed human being, but because I looked at things differently than other people due to childhood experiences, was both tremendously freeing and really helped me find ways around them. YMMV. 

[Melissa in Australia]

attachment- I struggle with this all the time. I don't make friends on purpose ( easier to remain friendless than lose a friend). I really struggle when DH is away in Canada - I have had mental breakdowns over this.

[TranquilMind]

attachment- I struggle with this all the time. I don't make friends on purpose ( easier to remain friendless than lose a friend). I really struggle when DH is away in Canada - I have had mental breakdowns over this.

 

Yeah, I totally get this difficulty with attachment.  I've lost nearly everyone. 

[pinkmint]

Not everyone is bitter about things.  Sometimes we just muse about how we got the way we are.  Saying one is going to change is not at all an easy thing.  Ok, saying it might be easy.  Actually doing it is something else entirely.

 

I do agree that it's good to gain understanding of why we are the way we are. It can be very helpful and healing. Maybe I'm getting into a bit different territory than what this thread is about. I guess I should say bitterness has been a struggle for me. Knowing I am so deeply messed up in certain areas, and so thoroughly ill-equipped to be normal as a direct result of things that happened in my childhood that I have zero control over, and at times it feels like the bitterness really will kill me. 

Edited April 21, 2016 by pinkmint

[creekland]

I do agree that it's good to gain understanding of why we are the way we are. It can be very helpful and healing. Maybe I'm getting into a bit different territory than what this thread is about. I guess I should say bitterness has been a struggle for me. Knowing I am so deeply messed up in certain areas, and so thoroughly ill-equipped to be normal as a direct result of things that happened in my childhood that I have zero control over, and at times it feels like the bitterness really will kill me. 

 

:grouphug:

[Serenade]

We eat by shopping the sales.  Probably 90 percent of the grocery items I buy are on sale, or discounted, or reduced.   Our weekly menu depends on what is on sale or on what is in the freezer.   This is how my mom shopped.  Although I now do differently than she did -- I limit myself mostly to one store.  She would get all of the grocery flyers out of the newspaper on Wednesday and make lists of what to get from each store, often three or four.

[DawnM]

I grew up in a rural part of Africa.  When I was at boarding school, we lived closer to the city, but when I would live at home for holidays, we had no access to grocery stores, shopping, etc...and if something went out, you went without.

 

I have a VERY hard time getting rid of things.  I just *might* need it someday.  

 

I was at someone's house recently (within the last few years) and their house looked so clean and fresh and decluttered.  They had 3 kids.  I asked where all their stuff was (not quite like that, but kind of because it shocked me).  He said, "Oh, if I know I can replace it easily and we aren't using it, out it goes."

 

This may sound really stupid to most, but it was a revelation to me!  It hit me that I no longer live like I did as a child!  I CAN get a new one if I need it and I probably won't need it.

 

I am getting much better at letting go.

[DawnM]

N/M

Edited April 23, 2016 by DawnM

[La Condessa]

I was badly bullied during elementary school. I'm naturally introverted, but by middle school I couldn't talk to someone I didn't already know well without shaking all over (and sometimes bursting into tears). I also learned not to speak naturally with my peers, but to carefully plan out and analyze how my words would be taken before saying anything. (They would mock me for my large vocabulary).

 

I've spent years as an adult learning to force myself to approach someone and start a conversation. I still cannot converse naturally. Internally, I'm thinking, "What would be a natural-sounding response to that? Wait, is this phrase going to sound odd? Oh, no, why did I use that word? Uh oh, silence, how do I introduce a new topic casually?!"

 

Eventually I decided that there was either something wrong with me, or with them. I had a wonderful home life, and eventually concluded it must be them. So as a plus of the bullying, I was completely immune to peer pressure by middle school. I have zero regard for the opinions of people who have not already gained my respect. And I developed a derision for the things that popular culture values--clothes, fads, shows, music, etc. Part of me still finds the constantly changing clothing styles ludicrous, and I will actively avoid in-style popular clothes, and clothes-shopping in general.

[eternalsummer]

My mother's mother had many children pretty young (well, historically speaking she was probably average, but it seems young now) - my mom at 18 and then 4 more within 7-8 years or so.  She did not handle it well and had a rocky relationship with my mom's dad, and when my mom was 12/13 she took mom and the youngest (who was 4) and ran off with a grad student.  She left the other three boys with their father and didn't see them again until adulthood.  Things did not work out well for any of the ones she left.

 

So my mom grew up with a pretty clear understanding that 2 children was the acceptable number of children, and you should have them later if possible.  I don't think this was an intellectual understanding on her part; rather, it was an emotional one - which just makes it stronger. So I grew up knowing, somehow, that 2 was an acceptable number of children and having more was certain doom.

 

It took me a while to realize (and even longer for my mom to realize) that I am not my grandmother.  I am a good mother; I will not abandon my kids because I feel overwhelmed; in fact I do not feel overwhelmed by responsibility and kids.  I can have more than 2 (pregnant with #6 now) and it is not certain doom.

 

Even now, when I tell my mom I'm pregnant for the first time with a new pregnancy, she is quiet for a second and then does that fake-cheerful tone.  I love her for it as I know she is *trying* not to panic, but the emotional connection for her is just very strong.

 

eta: after number 2 I got an IUD and it took Mormons, of all people, to convince me that I could have more children and it was natural and normal and good.  I was scared.

Edited April 22, 2016 by ananemone

[Lawyer&Mom]

My parents fought over custody and child support when I was a toddler. Consequently I have a huge need for stability and I absolutely loathe any conflict or uncertainty about money. Therefore I will probably stay at my government job for life... It's more than just the steady paycheck. I never have to ask a client for money. I never have to negotiate my salary or ask for a raise. I know that my colleagues make exactly the same amount as I do. My inner Toddler loves it. Grownup me daydreams about a fancier job with more money. Or quitting to homeschool. Or any kind of change at all. So far my inner Toddler always wins.

[lllll]

I do agree that it's good to gain understanding of why we are the way we are. It can be very helpful and healing. Maybe I'm getting into a bit different territory than what this thread is about. I guess I should say bitterness has been a struggle for me. Knowing I am so deeply messed up in certain areas, and so thoroughly ill-equipped to be normal as a direct result of things that happened in my childhood that I have zero control over, and at times it feels like the bitterness really will kill me. 

 

:grouphug:

[mamiof5]

I had a good childhood when it comes to material stuff. Never lacked clothing, food, a roof over our head. Emotionally it was a mess. A can of worms that I don't share often. Yes, it affects me, some days more than others. Years ago I made myself a promise, not to let it shape who I am. If anything, it has given me a baseline of what I DO NOT want (as a mom, as a wife etc). Trying to steer away from what I don't want, and, with good influences and mostly the grace of God, I have been able to somewhat head towards what I want and who I would like to be.

[Guest]

This is a very small thing, and it is no longer the case, but, when my kids were little I always wanted their pyjamas to be ACTUAL pjs, not Dad's huge Give Blood tee shirt or whatever. I was fanatical about it. They had to have actual pjs, in the correct size and in good condition. When I was a kid, I hardly ever had "real" pjs or nightgowns. It defined some aspect of poverty to me, so in my head, not having actual pjs = too poor to afford normal clothes.

[Junie]

I had a parent who used to yell at us for leaving lights on.  "Turn the light off when you leave the room!!"

 

Now, in my house, most of the lights are on from the moment I get up until the moment I go to bed.  I turn bathroom lights off when I leave the room, but that's about it.

[Janeway]

We always ran out of toilet paper. It was terrible! Every bathroom is stuffed to the brim with TP in the cupboards. LOL

 

Also, I grew up in a small town where it was very cold. I cannot see myself ever living where it is cold again.

 

Thats all I think. I have given up a lot of my childhood hang ups. My parents are older and they always saved everything down to the twizzle things on the bread bags. They reused a lot too. I am a reuser too, but my husband is not. So, that habit has gone away. And I am not a collector. That might be a hang up. I hate collecting and will not do it. I think collecting is just justified hoarding. 

[teachermom2834]

I won't buy Little Debbie's because we had them all the time and is representative to me of how unhealthy we ate.

 

We ate pizza several times a week and it had to be pepperoni and sausage. To this day if my dad is present the pizza must be pepperoni and sausage. When I go out for pizza with dh and/or kids I always talk someone into getting some different kind of pizza and it actually feels like a rebellion...lol.

 

Now the serious one- I was bullied in my home by my siblings and parents. I am past it now but I married young to my dh who just does not ever criticize or make a negative comment to me. In nearly 23 years together I really have to work hard to find anything critical he has ever said. Honestly...I remember once he complained of finding a dryer sheet in his pants while at work. That is all I can think of. I just really needed complete and unconditional acceptance. Now he is not perfect, of course, but I could not live with critical or negative and needed that acceptance. We are incompatible in many ways and it took me a while to see why I had married him but once I figured it out it was clear. I really appreciate him !

[LucyStoner]

Ummm. Of varying levels of import.

 

1. I don't care about a lot of material things but I am obsessive about making sure my kids have nice NEW, high quality shoes and socks. I rarely had shoes that were the right size or fully adequate and it is an area I can't even conceive of repeating. I'm the same about things like sunscreen, coats, pajamas and oral hygiene (all of which were lacking in my childhood).

 

2. I went through a phase where I obsessively stockpiled food because I was afraid of running out. Thankfully, I have let that go. Still, I don't like an empty larder and I will not refuse my kids things like unlimited forest fruits and vegetables.

 

3. As a child rape survivor, it took me a long time to be able to have a physical relationship with anyone and I have had to work though a "punch first, ask questions later" mentality about any men who showed an undue interest in me. Once I literally pushed a nice dude right out of my apartment because of the way he touched me. And I never spoke to him again. Poor guy must have thought he did something wrong (as evidenced by his emails and calls) but I stonewalled him and never let him know WTF I had done that.

 

4. I can't bring myself to take any shortcuts with gravy or pie crust, lol.

 

5. I can't bring myself to move around with my kids. We moved so much as a child that I knew as soon as I had kids, barring an absolute necessity like, oh say a tsunami leveling my hometown or a complete and dire economic necessity, we were going to be placebound until the kids start college.

 

There are others, but those are the first 5 to spring to mind.

Edited April 23, 2016 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

I don't know these things because I am bitter about them. I know them because I am self aware. I'm not bitter about my childhood, not even the horrible by all definition things but to deny that these things don't impact my personality, quirks, hang ups and choices is just plain nonsensical. We are products of our environments. Knowing that it's really important to me that my kids have certain things I didn't does not mean I am angry with my parents or blaming them for my problems. For one, buying my kids shoes and not moving at the drop of the hat aren't really problems. And for two, I appreciate the positive impacts that my childhood had on me. Finally, while I may be sad at times, sadness =\=bitterness.

[LMD]

Pick one. Lol.

 

Actually, after reading the other responses, I have to say stability. I married dh young because he is an absolutely rock solid personality. To a fault sometimes.

Over emotional responses is another one, I cannot stop crying and panicking if dh and I argue. It is so ingrained, I automatically believe that one day he will snap and either beat me or walk out (13 years so far so good!) He is of course hurt that I would still think that. I can't help it.

 

I think I am still bitter about some things...

[luuknam]

Not doing things because of a fear of breaking things. When I was a teenager I wanted to hang a picture in my room (or something). My dad wouldn't let me drill the hole myself for fear of me damaging the wall or something (not even under his supervision). I wanted to install Linux, and he wouldn't let me for fear of me breaking the computer (he later installed it himself). My dad is a sort of like a CPA - I come from a middle class background - not rich, but it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I'd broken something at some point. So, I'm very hesitant to do anything unless I know for sure I can do a perfect job. I try to tell myself that stuff is a learning experience, and that learning experiences sometimes cost money.

[luuknam]

Oh, and when I was a kid my doctors' go-to response to medical problems was "it's psychosomatic" (from before I can remember - my mom says that when I had bellyaches in K4 the GP said it was psychosomatic). Either that, or it as something that they (husband and wife doctor team) couldn't do anything about (when I had really bad eczema as a teen, they prescribed hydrocortisone cream (OTC in the US, not OTC in NL), and said that there wasn't anything more that could be done about that). Obviously, they should've referred me to a dermatologist for that one, but the first time I saw a dermatologist was as an adult, in the US. The only times those doctors referred me to a specialist was when I was practically deaf and needed ear tubes when I was 10yo, and when I was having dizzy spells at 15yo they referred me to a psychologist and refused to look into it more unless I saw a psychologist first.

 

So, I don't like doctors. They just seem pointless to me unless I know what the problem is and I know what I want them to prescribe, because in my experience they just tell me it's all in my head, or that they can't do anything about it. In retrospect, I think that I was the victim of malpractice (part of me wants to call it medical abuse - telling a kid that any medical problem is mental is a form of gaslighting or something).

[lailasmum]

One issue that probably only realised was there in the last few years was my mum's habit of really avoiding buying things she needed or we needed.  I don't think it was motivated entirely by money as much as her own upbringing which was in an environment where her needs were only barely met and she just carries this extreme idea that she should not want things. She is shaking it off a little now she's in her 70s but I found myself recently realising that I felt really awful if I had stuff other than the basics or spent money for fun things and I realised it was just carrying on her ideas. 

 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2016 by lailasmum

[Granny_Weatherwax]

There are too many but the biggest, I think, is the idea that I am not worthy of anything good when it comes to food.

 

I grew up close to the poverty line. Food was often from food pantries or church food drives.  When things were good and treats were purchased they were usually squirreled away for 'special occasions'.  The funny thing is those special occasions never happened.  Academic honors banquets, good report cards, a tennis win, a Lincoln-Douglas debate win, and on and on. Those boxes of treats and such were kept on the top shelf in the pantry. They were never baked or offered.  I never could figure out was constituted a special occasion.  Obviously, it wasn't high school, BA, or MA graduations because - believe it or not- some of those damned boxed desserts are still sitting in the pantry.  I recently found a package of Amish bread mix that I bought with my mom more than 20 years ago.  It was in the vegetable drawer of her refrigerator. It expired in 1998.  Her reason for holding on to it was that she was saving it for something special.  Hmmm...she's had another grandchild, three great grandchildren, three grandchildren graduate from high school, an Eagle Scout, and on and on again.  

I make sure my kids know when they have done something well and we celebrate the good times.  Treats are bought and consumed at that time.  Nothing is hoarded, especially desserts.  I had a cake issue for years.  Every payday I would go buy a store bought cake and we would celebrate whatever we wanted to celebrate.  

[TranquilMind]

Ummm. Of varying levels of import.

 

1. I don't care about a lot of material things but I am obsessive about making sure my kids have nice NEW, high quality shoes and socks. I rarely had shoes that were the right size or fully adequate and it is an area I can't even conceive of repeating. I'm the same about things like sunscreen, coats, pajamas and oral hygiene (all of which were lacking in my childhood).

 

2. I went through a phase where I obsessively stockpiled food because I was afraid of running out. Thankfully, I have let that go. Still, I don't like an empty larder and I will not refuse my kids things like unlimited forest fruits and vegetables.

 

3. As a child rape survivor, it took me a long time to be able to have a physical relationship with anyone and I have had to work though a "punch first, ask questions later" mentality about any men who showed an undue interest in me. Once I literally pushed a nice dude right out of my apartment because of the way he touched me. And I never spoke to him again. Poor guy must have thought he did something wrong (as evidenced by his emails and calls) but I stonewalled him and never let him know WTF I had done that.

 

4. I can't bring myself to take any shortcuts with gravy or pie crust, lol.

 

5. I can't bring myself to move around with my kids. We moved so much as a child that I knew as soon as I had kids, barring an absolute necessity like, oh say a tsunami leveling my hometown or a complete and dire economic necessity, we were going to be placebound until the kids start college.

 

There are others, but those are the first 5 to spring to mind.

I'm probably like you when it comes to clothing.  I rarely had anything new.  I remember one time my mom really splurged and bought me an aqua polyester pantsuit with a Nehru collar (ok, yes, I am really dating myself, but I loved that!).  It cost $20.   

I splurged on all kinds of wonderful clothes for my kids.  I never wanted them to feel less well-dressed than others around them. 

I'm sorry about your childhood attack. That's horrible. That didn't happen to me but other things did in those days that affected my trust level. 

 

You mentioning the guy you pushed out of your apartment had me nodding my head.  BTDT.   I dated a bunch of guys and then said some polite variation of "Get out" when they took me home.  

 

I do have one funny story to tell along that line, if it is ok (I might have told this before):  When I was in my early 20's, I went to meet a friend at a club one night, who didn't show up.  I did meet and talk to a guy there.  He "followed me home to make sure I was ok".  Yes, I thought it was odd, but wasn't quite as risk averse as today.  He then asked to go to the bathroom.  Like a dummy, I let him in.  He went to the bathroom, and then came back, and sat down on my sofa.  I told him I had to get up at 6 a.m. and he needed to leave.  He told me to just sit with him awhile, and then he would go.   I sat on the opposite end of the sofa.  In under one minute, he had reached around, scooped me up behind my knees and neck, laid me on the sofa and jumped on top.  This guy was about 6'5" and I should have been scared when he said, "You KNOW you want me."

For some unknown reason, I began to laugh hysterically.   I couldn't control myself and I couldn't stop.  This confused him, and he got up and walked to the door, looked back at me in amazement, said "I'll call you" and walked out.   I laughed about this for days and was very grateful at the outcome. 

 

For days at work, my coworker, an older lady who enjoyed my stories,  and I would say, "You KNOW you want me" and just laugh. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

I was badly bullied during elementary school. I'm naturally introverted, but by middle school I couldn't talk to someone I didn't already know well without shaking all over (and sometimes bursting into tears). I also learned not to speak naturally with my peers, but to carefully plan out and analyze how my words would be taken before saying anything. (They would mock me for my large vocabulary).

 

I've spent years as an adult learning to force myself to approach someone and start a conversation. I still cannot converse naturally. Internally, I'm thinking, "What would be a natural-sounding response to that? Wait, is this phrase going to sound odd? Oh, no, why did I use that word? Uh oh, silence, how do I introduce a new topic casually?!"

 

Eventually I decided that there was either something wrong with me, or with them. I had a wonderful home life, and eventually concluded it must be them. So as a plus of the bullying, I was completely immune to peer pressure by middle school. I have zero regard for the opinions of people who have not already gained my respect. And I developed a derision for the things that popular culture values--clothes, fads, shows, music, etc. Part of me still finds the constantly changing clothing styles ludicrous, and I will actively avoid in-style popular clothes, and clothes-shopping in general.

 

Aww, I'm sorry.  Yes, it was them! 

[freeindeed]

My childhood issue? Insecurity. Fear of being myself.

 

I dealt with "mean girls" in my upper elementary & early middle school years. I developed a chest earlier than they did, and I also made straight A's and won most of the awards on "Awards' Day." I didn't brag about either or try to draw any attention to myself, but those girls were relentless. I can still hear them now....

 

"You think you're so smart, just because you win all of the awards."

"You DON'T have to poke your chest out all the time."

"The only reason any boys like you is because you have big -----."

 

I spent years, well into my adulthood, being afraid to have my own thoughts and personality. Thankfully, I turned forty last year, and then something just snapped inside me. I'm not afraid anymore!