Texting etiquette - would you ignore texts from a person you don't want a friendship with?

[mathnerd]

I don't like somebody (bad history with this in-law) but I will be courteous to them if I encounter them in person, I have helped them out financially and physically in the past often due to their life situation.

 

Is it OK to not respond to "chatty" texts from them? Is it rude? I don't want to tell this person that I don't want them texting me because I don't like confrontation and this person is a close relative of my DH. But, this person is making a huge issue of me not responding to her texts by calling all her extended family and telling them how I ignored her. Is it such an offense to ignore texts from people who you don't want to deal with?

 

ETA: This person is not dangerous. She has a big mouth and a Ph. D. in gossiping - and her attitude is that she is the only person who has problems in life and that others have an easy life and hence must dance around her offering sympathy constantly (btw/ her "problems" she texts about are things that I do not care about or want to know - e.g. her adult daughter posting selfies wearing sexy clothes, her adult son gaining weight and not having a steady job etc). I don't particularly care about what other adults in her life do, and cannot bring myself to show interest in these topics or feel that I need to respond. 

Edited February 3, 2016 by mathnerd

[Excelsior! Academy]

I would delay the response and make it very short. Not ignore, but not high priority response either. Kwim?

[zoobie]

You can't win with crazy people. I'd block her number or forward it to DH's phone.

[Lolly]

I would respond to the text. It would be very short, maybe just an emoticon. It probably would not be done immediately when I receive it...

 

Adding: I do think it is somewhat rude to completely ignore texts. The only time I would do that is if they are sending them absolutely constantly.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Lolly

[marbel]

For me it would depend on what type of relationship my husband has with the person.  If he wanted me to make an effort with the person, I would.  In general, I think it's rude to ignore friendly texts from family members* though I don't think people have to rush to respond to them.  I wouldn't be real chatty, but I wouldn't ignore altogether.

 

*Barring reasons not to be in contact.  The person sounds a bit off, tattling to other family members.  If the person is truly crazy/dangerous, then all bets are off. 

Edited February 3, 2016 by marbel

[Farrar]

I'd try the delayed and short response. But, honestly, some people think text is for chatting and once they start they think they've cornered you or something.

[MooCow]

Can you switch to email? I tell people my phone is off during school hours, appointments, and rest time.

[mamiof5]

I do think it's rude. As others said, I'd respond very short answers, not making conversation, so hopefully they'll get the message. But I would respond.

[AmandaVT]

I'd wait a bit and then reply with "oh sorry, my phone isn't on all that often." and then keep doing that or mention that e-mail is better. 

[regentrude]

If the text is for actual exchange of important information, I would answer.

If it is just chatty, I would tell the person once that I don't use my phone to chat via text. The end.

You can also say that your phone is not on or not with you at all times or that you don't like to text or find it cumbersome. I do.

 

Edited February 3, 2016 by regentrude

[Seasider]

Texting is a tool, just like phones with answering machines, email addresses you choose not to share, and the ability to adjust who one chooses to connect with on social media.

 

If you do not wish to receive texts from this person, do not respond via text. If you must respond, to avoid the criticism your texter is drumming up, wait a bit (so not an immediate response) and send a brief email.. "I got your texts, email is a better way for me to keep in touch..." communicate what you need to say to establish this boundary.

 

I think everyone expecting an immediate return to a text is part of our high-information-immediate-gratification culture. There are a few people - dh, kids, a couple of close friends, and people who pay me to do work for them - that I feel responsible to swiftly return texts from. I do not feel that same obligation towards everyone who decides to send me a text. And I don't think that's rude.

[TammyS]

I would totally ignore it.  Don't reply or offer explanations.  Just ignore it.  If you encounter them and they bring it up, I would say, "Huh." and then quickly need to go find a child or something.  Nutty, gossipy people cannot be dealt with in a rational way, so it's best to just not feed them anything at all, no matter how kindly you try to put it.

[TammyS]

 

 

Adding: I do think it is somewhat rude to completely ignore texts. The only time I would do that is if they are sending them absolutely constantly.

 

I totally disagree.  I feel like it's my phone, I pay for it, and I pay for it so that I may use it in whatever way I choose.  No one has the right to call or text the phone that I pay for and expect anything.

[Valley Girl]

I'm betting you don't feel obligated to answer the phone every time it rings. You shouldn't feel obligated to answer every text just because someone decides to send you one. You get to control how you manage your time and your accessibility to others. Obviously if there's an urgent matter or it's clear someone needs an immediate response for a legitimate reason, that's a different issue. But no, people aren't obligated to be reachable 24/7 unless they choose to be. And it's OK to choose that you only want to offer that to certain people.

[Katy]

Yes, ignoring is rude.  And it invites her to escalate in exactly the way she has.  She likes drama, don't give her an additional reason to create it.

 

Personally I'd wait at least 3 hours after a text then say something like, "I don't like gossip.  I find this topic inappropriate.  I don't want to know this sort of thing, ever."  Yes, it's confrontational, but it gets it over with, and she'll stop texting you entirely.  She might also get angry at you, but she likes drama, so chances are something else will anger her and she'll forget all about you next week.

 

Another option would be posting on facebook, "I don't have unlimited text messages so I refuse to open messages from anyone but my children, who only text when I need to come get them.  If you want to talk to me, call. I'm not going to download your texts, even if you send 500 of them."  Make sure the number you quote is WAAAAYYYY over the number she's sent to you, so she doesn't think you're talking about her.

 

If you really hate confrontation, have DH send an email for EVERYONE to stop texting you except in case of an emergency, because you pay per text and your last phone bill was exorbitant.

[TammyS]

Yes, ignoring is rude.  And it invites her to escalate in exactly the way she has.  She likes drama, don't give her an additional reason to create it.

 

Personally I'd wait at least 3 hours after a text then say something like, "I don't like gossip.  I find this topic inappropriate.  I don't want to know this sort of thing, ever."  Yes, it's confrontational, but it gets it over with, and she'll stop texting you entirely.  She might also get angry at you, but she likes drama, so chances are something else will anger her and she'll forget all about you next week.

 

Another option would be posting on facebook, "I don't have unlimited text messages so I refuse to open messages from anyone but my children, who only text when I need to come get them.  If you want to talk to me, call. I'm not going to download your texts, even if you send 500 of them."  Make sure the number you quote is WAAAAYYYY over the number she's sent to you, so she doesn't think you're talking about her.

 

If you really hate confrontation, have DH send an email for EVERYONE to stop texting you except in case of an emergency, because you pay per text and your last phone bill was exorbitant.

 

Wait, what? Ignoring unsolicited texts is rude, but posting passive-aggressive stuff on FB and making up stuff about paying for texts/who you text/etc isn't?

[Guest]

I don't like somebody (bad history with this in-law) but I will be courteous to them if I encounter them in person, I have helped them out financially and physically in the past often due to their life situation.

 

Is it OK to not respond to "chatty" texts from them? Is it rude? I don't want to tell this person that I don't want them texting me because I don't like confrontation and this person is a close relative of my DH. But, this person is making a huge issue of me not responding to her texts by calling all her extended family and telling them how I ignored her. Is it such an offense to ignore texts from people who you don't want to deal with?

 

ETA: This person is not dangerous. She has a big mouth and a Ph. D. in gossiping - and her attitude is that she is the only person who has problems in life and that others have an easy life and hence must dance around her offering sympathy constantly (btw/ her "problems" she texts about are things that I do not care about or want to know - e.g. her adult daughter posting selfies wearing sexy clothes, her adult son gaining weight and not having a steady job etc). I don't particularly care about what other adults in her life do, and cannot bring myself to show interest in these topics or feel that I need to respond.

 

Hmm. Are we in the same family? I have an IL who does this as a Group Text and it drives me crazy. I have said, "Take me OFF this text." So I might not be the one to ask. ;)

[Spryte]

I wouldn't ignore, because family.

 

But I'd wait a bit, and then send a short reply. If it continues, I'd probably find a way to let her know that I only check texts once in a while (true), and that I'm notoriously a slow responder (also true).

Edited February 3, 2016 by Spryte

[Arcadia]

I have an acquaintance who likes to call and/or text because she is bored while kids are in school. After telling her twice that I am not free, I gave up responding unless the text is a serious question that needs an answer.

 

Annoying text from hubby side of the family gets forwarded to hubby for responding. Annoying text from my side of the family comes to me.

[albeto.]

Is it OK to not respond to "chatty" texts from them? Is it rude? I don't want to tell this person that I don't want them texting me because I don't like confrontation and this person is a close relative of my DH. But, this person is making a huge issue of me not responding to her texts by calling all her extended family and telling them how I ignored her. Is it such an offense to ignore texts from people who you don't want to deal with?

 

I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty for ignoring these texts, and the drama that follows. The people being drawn into this person's pretend righteous indignation can hold her hand, clutch pearls, and tutt-tutt with her, or ignore her as they wish. I think you don't need to be complicit in being taken advantage of in the sense of mollycoddling another adult's emotional immaturity. Let the temper tantrums fall where they may, hold your head high, and do right by your immediate family. That includes not being unnecessarily distracted, both in time with regard to school, and emotionally with regard to feeling undue guilt. That's emotionally manipulative, and you don't need to comply with it. 

[Valley Girl]

She has a big mouth and a Ph. D. in gossiping - and her attitude is that she is the only person who has problems in life and that others have an easy life and hence must dance around her offering sympathy constantly (btw/ her "problems" she texts about are things that I do not care about or want to know - e.g. her adult daughter posting selfies wearing sexy clothes, her adult son gaining weight and not having a steady job etc). I don't particularly care about what other adults in her life do, and cannot bring myself to show interest in these topics or feel that I need to respond. 

 

If you're not comfortable ignoring the texts (or ignoring them and when she asks you about it later just telling her you're very busy), what if you responded to her chatty messages with "Oh, my. By the way, Billy just learned that Chile's largest export is ..."? I wonder if after a few dozen items of trivia with no actual response to her issue of the moment, she might look elsewhere for conversation.

Edited February 3, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[Valley Girl]

I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty for ignoring these texts, and the drama that follows. The people being drawn into this person's pretend righteous indignation can hold her hand, clutch pearls, and tutt-tutt with her, or ignore her as they wish. I think you don't need to be complicit in being taken advantage of in the sense of mollycoddling another adult's emotional immaturity. Let the temper tantrums fall where they may, hold your head high, and do right by your immediate family. That includes not being unnecessarily distracted, both in time with regard to school, and emotionally with regard to feeling undue guilt. That's emotionally manipulative, and you don't need to comply with it. 

 

This is really good advice, especially the part about it being emotionally manipulative. The relative actually calls people to complain about not responding to texts? That's get-a-life territory.

[Katy]

Wait, what? Ignoring unsolicited texts is rude, but posting passive-aggressive stuff on FB and making up stuff about paying for texts/who you text/etc isn't?

 

Well I would personally confront the situation directly.  But given that this is becoming a matter of family gossip and the OP doesn't like confrontation, mentioning something on facebook isn't passive aggressive, but it will get the message out to everyone that it's not okay.

 

It sounds in this case as if there is a fair amount of  aggressive behaviors in the person doing the gossiping and unwanted texting.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'd limit it to one reply per day or even every couple of days. Make it short, and don't reply with questions. "Oh that's too bad" or "I'm sorry to hear that". If she replies immediately, wait a long time again before responding with a generic, neutral response. She can't complain that you aren't responding, but she also won't get what she wants from you and will hopefully move on.

[texasmama]

I would feel free not to respond.

[Arctic Bunny]

I find a smiley face or thumbs up is sufficient to acknowledge that I've received the text - not immediately, though. Then they know you're there ;) . If they respond to the :) I let that text sit unread. I also have "show read messages" off on my phone, so people can see that it's delivered, but not that I've read it.

[TammyS]

Well I would personally confront the situation directly.  But given that this is becoming a matter of family gossip and the OP doesn't like confrontation, mentioning something on facebook isn't passive aggressive, but it will get the message out to everyone that it's not okay.

 

It sounds in this case as if there is a fair amount of  aggressive behaviors in the person doing the gossiping and unwanted texting.

 

Mentioning stuff on FB, but not the person directly, is totally passive aggressive.

 

Yes, the person OP mentioned is aggressive with the gossiping and unwanted texts, but that kind of aggression totally fails to have impact once you put it all on "ignore".  So she gossips?  So what?  Let her gossip until her throat turns to dust.  Has nothing to do with anyone, except those who choose to participate.

[Ellie]

I don't like somebody (bad history with this in-law) but I will be courteous to them if I encounter them in person, I have helped them out financially and physically in the past often due to their life situation.

 

Is it OK to not respond to "chatty" texts from them? Is it rude? I don't want to tell this person that I don't want them texting me because I don't like confrontation and this person is a close relative of my DH. But, this person is making a huge issue of me not responding to her texts by calling all her extended family and telling them how I ignored her. Is it such an offense to ignore texts from people who you don't want to deal with?

 

ETA: This person is not dangerous. She has a big mouth and a Ph. D. in gossiping - and her attitude is that she is the only person who has problems in life and that others have an easy life and hence must dance around her offering sympathy constantly (btw/ her "problems" she texts about are things that I do not care about or want to know - e.g. her adult daughter posting selfies wearing sexy clothes, her adult son gaining weight and not having a steady job etc). I don't particularly care about what other adults in her life do, and cannot bring myself to show interest in these topics or feel that I need to respond. 

 

Yes, I would consider it rude and an offense not to respond. It is, of course, rude for her to involve all her extended family in the situation, but you cannot make her be polite; you can only be polite yourself.

 

You can reply to her and tell her you just don't care for using texting for conversations, and that you also prefer not to be involved in her personal issues, because they should be private between her and whoever it is and you feel awkward hearing the details.

[redsquirrel]

If you truly don't want to speak to this person and are comfortable not ever responding to her texts you can block her number. You won't ever know she texted. It's quite lovely.

 

But, if you are more concerned about maintaining family peace, then answer her with an emoticon, I am thinking a thumbs up or a smiley face, every  fourth or fifth text. If that doesn't slow down the rate of texts then increase the number between texts to 7 or 8 before you respond.

 

If she calls to complain etc then block her and be done.  You have gone through the usual socially acceptable route of sending a message that you are unavailable to 'talk' and she is ignoring you.

 

Or, if you really want to chicken out, you could get a new number and not give it to her.

 

How did she get your number?

[wintermom]

I have no problem at all by ignoring a text. My phone happens to have texting capability, but I never text. So it can receive a text, but I never check them. If someone were to text me, they'd eventually realize that it's not the way to contact me. They can get all bent out of shape, but that would be entirely their own choice. 

[Seeking Squirrels]

I would probably give a very delayed, very short response. If they replied back, even if immediately, I would again delay and make it very brief. If they called me out on this in person, I would inform them that I don't keep my phone on me at all times as texting is not a priority. I do try to stay off my phone during school time, so this isn't a lie. I've even delayed responding to my best friend, though usually I get to it as soon as I can. I would not tell them emailing is a better way to contact me, as then I might find myself with a detailed email I'd then feel obligated to really respond to.

[SKL]

Depends what message I want to send to the sender.

 

I normally respond to messages, but I don't want to encourage certain people.

 

So I would probably respond to maybe one third of the messages with something lame and unencouraging, like a smiley face or "sounds fun."

 

And if that person wanted to go whine to the whole world about it, that is their problem.  IMO it only makes them look stupid to their family and friends.  If I thought someone was avoiding me, I'd be thinking, what did I do to offend them?  Are my messages really stupid?  Maybe they are super busy and I should stop bugging them.  I wouldn't go tell the world that I have been desperately chasing a person who wants nothing to do with me.

[fraidycat]

I have all the notifications turned off on my phone, except for the actual ringer for a phone call. My phone and all of its wondrous technology is for MY convenience. If people NEED to reach me, they know to call.

 

It's not rude to ignore gossip. It's rude to engage in it, or deem it reply worthy. Feel free to ignore. You get to decide what is and isn't gossip to you.

 

If it's just a direct chatty "Hi, how are you?" type of text, then a reply within 72 hours, at your convenience, is sufficient. Short replies that don't encourage further conversation. "I'm good, thanks for asking."

 

You can establish a boundary with this person. Boundaries aren't rude. You may have to spell it out for them. Once. After that, just hold your line(s) that you've spelled out. It's not necessary that you do spell it out for them, but it may save you some grief in the long run. It can be as simple as I don't chat on text, or I only use texts for important information such as addresses and dates. Or I only text my BFF and DH. You decide what your "party line" is and repeat ad nauseum to anyone who tries to penetrate your boundary.

 

I agree with albeto. that you do not need to comply with the emotional manipulation and temper tantrums.

[TammyS]

 I wouldn't go tell the world that I have been desperately chasing a person who wants nothing to do with me.

 

Right?!

 

[Arctic Bunny]

If you truly don't want to speak to this person and are comfortable not ever responding to her texts you can block her number. You won't ever know she texted. It's quite lovely.

 

But, if you are more concerned about maintaining family peace, then answer her with an emoticon, I am thinking a thumbs up or a smiley face, every fourth or fifth text. If that doesn't slow down the rate of texts then increase the number between texts to 7 or 8 before you respond.

 

If she calls to complain etc then block her and be done. You have gone through the usual socially acceptable route of sending a message that you are unavailable to 'talk' and she is ignoring you.

 

Or, if you really want to chicken out, you could get a new number and not give it to her.

 

How did she get your number?

I love that your "can't talk right now" emotions are the same as mine, and that this is widespread enough to be socially acceptable! :)

[gardenmom5]

I wouldn't respond more than once a day  (assuming she sends multiple texts daily.).  make it short.  how much do you care what other people think of you due to her gossip?   and no, you can NOT win with crazy people.