Do you try to make people understand, or just live with it? A mini rant and jawm

[shanvan]

So, now that Ds has acceptances from colleges, I have a lot of people saying things like 'well now that's over you'll have more time,' or 'now you won't have so much to do.'  I want to scream b/c what they mean is 'now you can spend time on what I want you to spend time on.'  Several times I have gone into explanations about why it is not 'over' and why I will not have more time now (honors program applications, college visits, scholarship decisions, more letters of recommendation for scholarships, investigating financial aid, figuring out if Ds is going to need a car, making sure Ds finishes out this year well, final reports to colleges, etc.), oh, and lets not forget there is Dd here at home who will be starting high school next year and following a completely different path than Ds--which I will have to figure out.  

 

Even if it was 'over' as people keep suggesting, maybe I might like to have some time for myself instead of filling it with more demands.  

 

Have you experienced this?  DO you inform people how mistaken they are?  I find it frustrating and presumptuous.  IT makes me cranky.    Maybe this belongs on the college board.  Wasn't sure where to put it.

[fairfarmhand]

I grin and go "Oh, no, this is just the beginning! We still have x, y, and z to deal with, not to mention the anxiousness of a new college student! And then there's dd... So no, no more time than I ever did!" Smile, laugh.

[mom2att]

Well personally I did feel a sense of relief and "over-ness" when dd was accepted and on her way to college. The senior year was pretty stressful, and it was a big sigh of relief to have that behind me, at least for a few years until the next child was there. So it seems to me what people are saying is, "Wow that must be such a relief to you, good job!" I wouldn't worry about trying to explain what you still have left to do, just say "Yeah we're really proud of Ds" and move on.

 

Unless, of course, they are suggesting things with which to fill your time. In that case I would respond, "Nope, still busy" and then move on.

[Seasider]

Well personally I did feel a sense of relief and "over-ness" when dd was accepted and on her way to college. The senior year was pretty stressful, and it was a big sigh of relief to have that behind me, at least for a few years until the next child was there. So it seems to me what people are saying is, "Wow that must be such a relief to you, good job!" I wouldn't worry about trying to explain what you still have left to do, just say "Yeah we're really proud of Ds" and move on.

 

Unless, of course, they are suggesting things with which to fill your time. In that case I would respond, "Nope, still busy" and then move on.

This is exactly how I felt after the first graduated (a bit later than OP describes, with college acceptance & scholarship in place). I felt like I had time to take a few deep breaths before Round 2 reached critical mass.

 

I agree that you don't need to explain anything. Smiling and noncommittal nodding can get you far enough. Folks who've not home schooled through high school will never fully understand what you've been through.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Seasider

[shanvan]

Well personally I did feel a sense of relief and "over-ness" when dd was accepted and on her way to college. The senior year was pretty stressful, and it was a big sigh of relief to have that behind me, at least for a few years until the next child was there. So it seems to me what people are saying is, "Wow that must be such a relief to you, good job!" I wouldn't worry about trying to explain what you still have left to do, just say "Yeah we're really proud of Ds" and move on.

 

Unless, of course, they are suggesting things with which to fill your time. In that case I would respond, "Nope, still busy" and then move on.

​Except we are not done senior year, and though I feel relieved, there is still a lot to do.  And, yes these people are thinking they can fill my time with other things.  Some of them are fun things, but not things I really have time for and some of them are more work for me.  Either way it's about me now being able to meet their needs, and I am annoyed by it.  Yes, we are coming to the end of some stress, but I'm not looking to add anything more toy schedule.

[shanvan]

This is exactly how I felt after the first graduated (a bit later than OP describes, with college acceptance & scholarship in place). I felt like I had time to take a few deep breaths before Round 2 reached critical mass.

And I guess I feel like quite a few people are trying to take away my few deep breaths! My own mother has been suggesting a long list of outings I can now go on.  I keep having to repeat myself to her.  

[SKL]

I think this is a time to be like the willow.  "I hope so" or "that would be nice" would probably be my answer.

 

Funny, the other day my 9yo listed 3 reasons why she never wants kids, and one of the three was "filling out all those college forms."  LOL.  I have no idea where she got that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, I think it is possible they are just making conversation.  They probably didn't think about what they said beforehand. 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I don't think that having a kid in college is nearly as intense or time consuming as homeschooling a high schooler. The logistics of getting kids settled into college is universal, so most people aren't going to think of that as a homeschooler-specific job. The reality is I WILL have HOURS of time at my disposal to do other things once my youngest graduates high school in three years. I think people are just asking if you have plans for that time yet and if you are looking forward to it.

[shanvan]

Well, I think it is possible they are just making conversation.  They probably didn't think about what they said beforehand. 

Acquaintances, yes, they are making conversation.  My family members and people I know from various clubs, NO.  They have things lined up for me to do.  That much is obvious, especially when they follow up with their ideas for me. My mother is a repeat offender.  I keep having to explain to her.  And it seems like I am explaining a lot.  I am getting it from a lot of people.  With my mom, I guess this might not be new, just a variation on a theme.  For years I have been trying to get her to understand that I am not in her position, retired with tons of free time to fill.  She is always pressuring me to plan a party or host some event, or take some day trip somewhere--and I am like 'the only party I want to attend is on my couch, with my blanket and a cup of tea!'   

[shanvan]

I don't think that having a kid in college is nearly as intense or time consuming as homeschooling a high schooler. The logistics of getting kids settled into college is universal, so most people aren't going to think of that as a homeschooler-specific job. The reality is I WILL have HOURS of time at my disposal to do other things once my youngest graduates high school in three years. I think people are just asking if you have plans for that time yet and if you are looking forward to it.

I am starting on my 2nd high schooler as Ds goes into college--not getting ready to have tons of time on my hands.  I'm not convinced I will be off the hook with Ds in college.  He will not have a car yet due to finances and licensing laws in our state, so if anything next year I will be more busy.  Besides these people think I have a bunch of free time right now, just b/c applications are done.  

 

Hmm...maybe others don't experience this, or aren't bothered by it as much as I am.

[Luckymama]

Shannon, it sounds like your friends and family (esp your Mom) don't listen to you and your needs at this stage of your life. That has to suck, frankly. :grouphug:

 

I guess you'll have to let those types of comments go (not from acquaintances who are probably just making conversation).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't let other people dictate my schedule or calendar.  If they have suggestions for what you can do with your time, I guess I'd just smile and say "Sounds like fun.  I hope you have fun doing that", but I wouldn't add it to my own schedule or try to justify what I fill my own time with. 

[goldberry]

You don't need a justification for saying no to something.  If people feel like you lost your justification and now have to say yes, that is their problem. :)

[TravelingChris]

Never had this problem.  Sorry that your mother and others are annoying you in such a way.  It would be very annoying.

[SKL]

I came to a realization recently though.  One of those obvious things that you never think about.  I tend to imagine time after my kids launch, when I will go lounge at my parents' house and we can enjoy each other.  We'll chat about things to do in retirement bla bla bla.  Except wait a minute.  They could well be gone by then.  I'm going to be one of those people who post on facebook "I wish I could talk to my mom right now."  I sure wish I was a little less busy.

Edited February 1, 2016 by SKL

[theelfqueen]

I'd say something like "I already ordered the bon bons and every season of X on DVD! Can't wait!" and then change the subject.

 

[kewb]

Smile and nod. Still lots to do for ds who is heading off to college in the fall and Dd who will be a junior next year.

 

Lots of comments from dh's family about going back to work now. Along with my mother telling me how great it will be for my self worth when I go back to work. I was unaware I had a self worth issue.

[purpleowl]

I'd just say something along the lines of, "Oh, you know how it is - still busy, just a different-looking busy! Could you pass the bean dip?"

 

ETA: I would find it incredibly frustrating, though, and I am sorry you're having to deal with it. *hugs*

Edited February 1, 2016 by purpleowl

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

 

Hmm...maybe others don't experience this, or aren't bothered by it as much as I am.

 

I graduated one three years ago and have a senior finishing up college apps.  I suppose I do not have kind of personality where anyone would presume they can plan/schedule/volunteer me for anything!  No, I've not had it happen, but if someone made similar comments to be about having more time, I'd just smile and say, "Yep."

 

But your comment makes me wonder why anyone thinks you have any more time now.  Have you told them you were busy with college applications in the first place?  I don't discuss that with people, so no one would know whether I've had more time or less.  Of course, my parents vaguely know that my kid has finished up applying, and my best friend knows *because her son is also a senior preparing for college.* I don't talk about homeschooling much with friends (even hsing friends) or family though.

[regentrude]

Sorry that I cannot JAWY: I do not think these people are wrong. Having a kid in college and only homeschooling one high schooler means that I do, indeed, have a lot more time. I went back to work full time when DD went to college because I anticipated the huge void I would have, and am very glad I did. With just one homeschooler and no current college applicant, there are tons of time and it is so easy compared to the DD's senior year!

While there were still tings to do, it felt as if a load had been lifted once she had her acceptances; we did have more time than during the half year of the application season. And once she was gone, oh my...

But none of this means that I am available to do what other people want me to do. Are you sure they are asking with this as an undertone? I never had this experience.

 

I would consider it a passing conversational remark by people that does not require you to list in detail why you won't have more time. All it requires is a laugh and "oh, I still have plenty to do". Pass the bean dip if it bothers you.

Edited February 1, 2016 by regentrude

[KungFuPanda]

I am starting on my 2nd high schooler as Ds goes into college--not getting ready to have tons of time on my hands. I'm not convinced I will be off the hook with Ds in college. He will not have a car yet due to finances and licensing laws in our state, so if anything next year I will be more busy. Besides these people think I have a bunch of free time right now, just b/c applications are done.

 

Hmm...maybe others don't experience this, or aren't bothered by it as much as I am.

I think that's another matter entirely. That seems to have very little to do with homeschooling/ college applications/ phase of life and more to do with personal boundaries and the company you keep. If someone was making aggressive moves to poach my personal time I'd either phase them out of my life or be VERY clear about what sort of time and energy I can give them.

[Incognito]

Often when I explain things, people seem to think that is an invitation to give input.  So maybe your mom is terribly clueless and needs you to just firmly say NO to the various things she wants, instead of you explaining why it doesn't work for you. 

 

For what it is worth, it sounds like she may be trying to look out for you - help you relax or see the bright side of things.  Maybe she thinks you seem overwhelmed or too busy?  Maybe she thinks that in your shoes SHE wouldn't be happy and would want the things she is suggesting, so she doesn't understand why you would prefer to do things your way?  Whenever someone is upsetting me with what they say, I try to take the time to consider why they might say what they say, and it often helps me figure out how I want to approach the issue with them.

 

Congrats on your son's college admissions and all the best on the coming months.  It's hard to imagine being there, but I understand the years fly by and we'll be there before I know it! :)

[shanvan]

I think that's another matter entirely. That seems to have very little to do with homeschooling/ college applications/ phase of life and more to do with personal boundaries and the company you keep. If someone was making aggressive moves to poach my personal time I'd either phase them out of my life or be VERY clear about what sort of time and energy I can give them.

Yep.  That is what I have been doing, but I am starting to get really cranky.  

Edited February 2, 2016 by shanvan

[shanvan]

Often when I explain things, people seem to think that is an invitation to give input.  So maybe your mom is terribly clueless and needs you to just firmly say NO to the various things she wants, instead of you explaining why it doesn't work for you. 

 

For what it is worth, it sounds like she may be trying to look out for you - help you relax or see the bright side of things.  Maybe she thinks you seem overwhelmed or too busy?  Maybe she thinks that in your shoes SHE wouldn't be happy and would want the things she is suggesting, so she doesn't understand why you would prefer to do things your way?  Whenever someone is upsetting me with what they say, I try to take the time to consider why they might say what they say, and it often helps me figure out how I want to approach the issue with them.

 

Congrats on your son's college admissions and all the best on the coming months.  It's hard to imagine being there, but I understand the years fly by and we'll be there before I know it! :)

Oh, yes.  I know she thinks I will enjoy what she will enjoy.  I get her side of this, definitely.  Doesn't mean I am going to do whatever it is she is suggesting.  Really, I am tired.  I need downtime and I am running around enough, more running around is not what I am looking for.

Edited February 2, 2016 by shanvan

[heartlikealion]

Are they aware you have two children? Maybe they are so fixated on the fact that your ds got into college they totally forgot you have another in school! Or maybe they just think you'll have a little more time once one is out of the house. Hmm. I think a quick explanation/response is fine, only if you want to give one.

 

I'm not sure if some of your to-do list is universal, so they may just have no idea. Like, "investigating financial aid" in my mind means filling out the FAFSA or such and waiting for a response. I'm not trying to be an oblivious jerk, just saying how things register in my mind and how others might be making assumptions. I don't know what "final reports to colleges" means. I'm seriously oblivious.

[shanvan]

Smile and nod. Still lots to do for ds who is heading off to college in the fall and Dd who will be a junior next year.

 

Lots of comments from dh's family about going back to work now. Along with my mother telling me how great it will be for my self worth when I go back to work. I was unaware I had a self worth issue.

I did get the back to work comment too.  It's funny (not in a good way) the things people assume about your self-worth.  Whoever said earlier people are not thinking before they speak--true. Ugh.

Edited February 2, 2016 by shanvan

[shanvan]

Are they aware you have two children? Maybe they are so fixated on the fact that your ds got into college they totally forgot you have another in school! Or maybe they just think you'll have a little more time once one is out of the house. Hmm. I think a quick explanation/response is fine, only if you want to give one.

 

I'm not sure if some of your to-do list is universal, so they may just have no idea. Like, "investigating financial aid" in my mind means filling out the FAFSA or such and waiting for a response. I'm not trying to be an oblivious jerk, just saying how things register in my mind and how others might be making assumptions. I don't know what "final reports to colleges" means. I'm seriously oblivious.

I have reminded a couple of people that Dd does still exist!   I am wondering if people just assume she will do whatever Ds did, not thinking that she is sooo different.  I am really not sure what I am going to do for her for high school yet.  She learns differently and is just a whole different ball of wax.  I'll figure it out, but it will take time.  I'm not going to be able to just do the same thing.  

 

Yes, you are right.  My list may not be universal.  They probably are making assumptions, and that was why I started out explaining.  Now I think that was a bad idea.  It's true that once you start explaining, that just seems to invite people to want more explanations later, or to argue with you in some way.  I just have this natural desire to want to educate people.  With my mom, that is definitely a boundary thing --and maybe with a few other people too.  That is a valid point that was raised by other posters. I think I have let a few people impose on my boundaries.  I find that I can be very direct, almost blunt at times when I try to enforce boundaries.  Then I am afraid I am going to really hurt feelings and don't say enough.  I am really good at thinking of what I should have said after the fact, of course.  

 

Final report = final grades for senior year.  A surprising number of adults have suggested Ds can slack off and relax now.  I guess b/c that is how it was when they were done applying. I just found out none of the schools want a mid year report, so I don't have to submit that.  

 

Financial aid issues--whether or not the colleges will 'stack' scholarships.  Which ones will.  Weighing the options based on finances (which can only be guessed at until the FAFSA response).  Deciding if the scholarship applications are worth the time they will take (if the college will not 'stack') b/c deadlines for the scholarships are coming up and I have various clubs emailing me reminders b/c they want to have a kid to give the money to.  I am almost done investigating the outside scholarships and how they will affect his scholarships directly from the schools.  Ds is working to pay his way and he wants to be debt free if he can.  He also knows we cannot help much.  Dh's job loss and drastic change in income has been a real game changer.

Edited February 2, 2016 by shanvan

[heartlikealion]

I have reminded a couple of people that Dd does still exist!   I am wondering if people just assume she will do whatever Ds did, not thinking that she is sooo different.  I am really not sure what I am going to do for her for high school yet.  She learns differently and is just a whole different ball of wax.  I'll figure it out, but it will take time.  I'm not going to be able to just do the same thing.  

 

Yes, you are right.  My list may not be universal.  They probably are making assumptions, and that was why I started out explaining.  Now I think that was a bad idea.  It's true that once you start explaining, that just seems to invite people to want more explanations later, or to argue with you in some way.  I just have this natural desire to want to educate people.  With my mom, that is definitely a boundary thing --and maybe with a few other people too.  That is a valid point that was raised by other posters. I think I have let a few people impose on my boundaries.  I find that I can be very direct, almost blunt at times when I try to enforce boundaries.  Then I am afraid I am going to really hurt feelings and don't say enough.  I am really good at thinking of what I should have said after the fact, of course.  

 

Final report = final grades for senior year.  A surprising number of adults have suggested Ds can slack off and relax now.  I guess b/c that is how it was when they were done applying. I just found out none of the schools want a mid year report, so I don't have to submit that.  

 

Financial aid issues--whether or not the colleges will 'stack' scholarships.  Which ones will.  Weighing the options based on finances (which can only be guessed at until the FAFSA response).  Deciding if the scholarship applications are worth the time they will take (if the college will not 'stack') b/c deadlines for the scholarships are coming up and I have various clubs emailing me reminders b/c they want to have a kid to give the money to.  I am almost done investigating the outside scholarships and how they will affect his scholarships directly from the schools.  Ds is working to pay his way and he wants to be debt free if he can.  He also knows we cannot help much.  Dh's job loss and drastic change in income has been a real game changer.

This is probably one of those things where you can't win so don't worry :) To one person you may say too much. To another you may wish you had said more. I don't even have this scenario but I can imagine coming up with a one liner response would maybe help like some of the previous posters have offered.

[fraidycat]

I did get the back to work comment too. It's funny (not in a good way) the things people assume about your self-worth. Whoever said earlier people are not thinking before they speak--true. Ugh.

If they are terribly annoying about it, I'd confront them about the statement.

 

"Are you saying that educating my children has not been a worthy pursuit?"

 

Then watch them make fish faces while they try to back their way out of the comment.

 

But, I'm kind of evil.

[Mama Geek]

I am not sure why it is that people think they know what you need/want more than you do.  There are a few people like that in my life.  I totally get it.

[SquirrellyMama]

Different people have different experiences. My parents didn't help with college apps, they didn't go on college visits with me, they didn't help with scholarship apps, so they would be the type to think you have all the time in the world.

 

Kelly

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I get it too. Once my kids are done, the last thing I want is to "get back out into the world." The first thing I want is to enjoy the quiet in my house and the time to enjoy doing things I want to do, not what others want me to do! Fortunately, the people who know me know that all too well :lol:

 

Yeah, what you're describing would bother me, but like others have said, I'd either work on ignoring them or just saying, "Nope, still crazy busy!" And I'd work hard at trying not to let their assumptions affect my peace of mind. Ugh.

 

:grouphug:

Edited February 2, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[gardenmom5]

are they asking you to do stuff?  simply say, not available.  decline as you would prefer.  you do NOT owe them an explaination for why you aren't available.

if you feel obligated to give an excuse for your unavailabity - just say there's always something on the to-do list. (college applications are just one.)  you do NOT need to say what.  all that does is give them a foot-in-the-door to argue with you on why you're not busy.

 

besides, why bother trying to correct someone?  they're not interested in your schedule except to say you can help them.

[zoobie]

"I wish! My schedule looks to be even busier. IF I wind up with any free time, I have a list of projects of my own. Good luck with your project!"

[KungFuPanda]

Yep. That is what I have been doing, but I am starting to get really cranky.

I'd be cranky too. You just ran a marathon and people think you're free for their stuff??? Sheesh. I'd tell them "I'm going to need a lot of quiet downtime to plan the next phase of my life. I'll let you know when I have it worked out, but right now I'm busy with Dd."

[clementine]

My response would be something like - "Thank goodness I won't have more time on my hands for the next few years; with my daughter in high school and my son in college, I'll be navigating two different worlds."  

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm wondering if you complain about your schedule a lot?  I've found that when I complain, people think that I want them to fix it.  And so they make suggestions.  Sometimes, I am just complaining to vent off steam and don't want to stop doing the hard things (because I think they are important and beneficial in the long run).  I've learned to be more judicious in who I vent to.  Once I stopped complaining and was more matter of fact about what I am doing, people were more accepting of my schedule/lifestyle. 

[DawnM]

Unless something is really offensive, I just let it go.  Closer friends I let them know details so that they get it, and if they are close friends they want to get it.  If they aren't, eh, not worth it.

[J-rap]

Usually I just let remarks like that go, unless it comes up (from the same people) time and time again.  Even then, I probably wouldn't go into a long explanation because I really don't want their input or a big conversation about it.  I'd just say something simple like, "Well, it's not really like that at all!"

 

 

[gardenmom5]

Unless something is really offensive, I just let it go.  Closer friends I let them know details so that they get it, and if they are close friends they want to get it.  If they aren't, eh, not worth it.

 

even then . . . .  don't try and teach a pig to sing.

 

I recall the summer dh had been unemployed for going on 18 months.  I had a woman call me, and HER VERY FIRST QUESTION - was to ask if dh had a job yet.no.   . . . . . good, you're not busy, you can ____, and your dh can babysit.  :huh: :mellow: :blink: :001_huh: :blink:  :svengo: 

 

I don't recall exactly what I said - other than to the effect she was extremely presumtuous and I was not available.   it really brought home the concept of "some people's children" . . . . :blink: :svengo:  don't try and teach a pig to sing.  it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.

 

(I knew if someone was sick, I could count on her for a casserole.  but nothing of substance.)

[FaithManor]

So, now that Ds has acceptances from colleges, I have a lot of people saying things like 'well now that's over you'll have more time,' or 'now you won't have so much to do.'  I want to scream b/c what they mean is 'now you can spend time on what I want you to spend time on.'  Several times I have gone into explanations about why it is not 'over' and why I will not have more time now (honors program applications, college visits, scholarship decisions, more letters of recommendation for scholarships, investigating financial aid, figuring out if Ds is going to need a car, making sure Ds finishes out this year well, final reports to colleges, etc.), oh, and lets not forget there is Dd here at home who will be starting high school next year and following a completely different path than Ds--which I will have to figure out.  

 

Even if it was 'over' as people keep suggesting, maybe I might like to have some time for myself instead of filling it with more demands.  

 

Have you experienced this?  DO you inform people how mistaken they are?  I find it frustrating and presumptuous.  IT makes me cranky.    Maybe this belongs on the college board.  Wasn't sure where to put it.

O yes, including a pastor that last summer announced that with one grown and married, one starting college, and another in fall 2016, I would be taking over a lot of ministries in the church! And he announced it in a church board meeting??? Without asking me? And the thing he didn't know at the time was that we had just recently given notice to the children's ministry director and worship team leader that we would be leaving the church in September. I guess he had quite the surprise when he had a ministerial meeting and found out about our resignations and plans to leave.

 

People do not get how much work goes into these things because the schools do so much of the paperwork, and often what I've found is a lot of PS kids do not do college visits...their parents rely on college fairs held at school and community locations to substitute for that. These same individuals do not seem to understand that the homeschooling parent is wearing the hat of principal, secretary, guidance counselor, school nurse, and every subject educator or at least facilitator when outsourcing for DE or co-op, curriculum researcher, in addition to continuing to provide chauffeur service.

 

I don't inform people because I do not feel that I owe them an explanation. "No", I am learning, is a complete sentence.

 

On top of which when the last one leaves for college, we plan on traveling to their schools for plays, concerts, games, etc., and enjoying these young adults. We'll keep up with our 4-H volunteer work, but we aren't taking on a bunch of new things, and I'm going back into the workforce anyway. It's good for me to get people used to the idea that I'm not going to be available.

[goldberry]

I get it too. Once my kids are done, the last thing I want is to "get back out into the world." The first thing I want is to enjoy the quiet in my house and the time to enjoy doing things I want to do, not what others want me to do! Fortunately, the people who know me know that all too well :lol:

 

 

As an introvert with an highly extrovert daughter, I have told everyone my plans are to become a hermit for the next three years.  I warn them that they won't see me. I'm only half joking...

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

As an introvert with an highly extrovert daughter, I have told everyone my plans are to become a hermit for the next three years.  I warn them that they won't see me. I'm only half joking...

 

Oh yes. Except my extrovert is only 10!  :zombiechase: