Article re: dishes, wrong hamburger, emotions

[iamonlyone]

I thought this was interesting as a tag-on to the board conversations about the article where the woman was upset about her husband bringing home the "wrong" hamburger and the discussions about loading-the-dishwasher frustration.

 

http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

[Laura Corin]

Brilliant article.  And that's what my husband understands.  And why we have been married for 23 years, and have passed easily from 'my not working while he worked full time' to 'my working full time while he works part time from home' without problem.

 

We each do things for each other because they matter to the other person: whether we personally think it's important doesn't matter (as I unplug my laptop from the socket near the counter and replug it near the table).

Edited January 23, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Anne in CA]

The article touches on why some people seem to get divorced over "nothing" but in reality, the small things are symbolic and undermine a person's sense of security. Of course, that goes both ways and dh and I had to work at this sort of thing for a really, really long time. Neither of us had good examples of mutual respect in our homes, and so we struggled with this A LOT.

[Cindy in FL.]

Great article!

[Guest]

I love this blog, but had practically forgotten about it. Thanks for reminding!

 

:

[DesertBlossom]

I agree with the premise of the article, but I dislike the example of the glass. I mean, really? Maybe it's because I personally could not ever get upset over a glass by the sink, but it seems like a really petty thing for anyone to get upset over.

 

Some of his other examples were better, like not walking over a freshly mopped floor. 😄 But I know that I have enough of my own quirks and flaws that I don't have any space to get offended over a glass by the sink. I wonder how many little things I do that aren't the way DH would do it, but he never mentions it or gets offended because he's a nice guy like that.

 

Instead of getting annoyed at the little things my husband does that could annoy me, I look at the little things he does to show me that he loves me... like filling my car with gas when he notices it's low. 😉

 

The sexiest thing my DH has ever said to me was "I assume you're doing the best you can." (I had told him I was glad he didn't get upset when the house was a mess or dinner wasn't ready) I try to treat him with the same level of respect. He's a really busy guy, but he works hard and takes good care of us, so I'm not going to get my panties in a wad because sometimes he doesn't do things like I expect him to.

Edited January 23, 2016 by DesertBlossom

[Guest]

Sometimes is the key word in your post dessertblossom.

 

Near constant dismissals won't get anyone anywhere they want to be in a marriage.

[DesertBlossom]

Sometimes is the key word in your post dessertblossom.

 

Near constant dismissals won't get anyone anywhere they want to be in a marriage.

ITA. But I also think feeling disrepected by a dirty glass by the sink is a little anal. You've got to pick your battles a little more carefully than that.

[Ravin]

It's been my experience that a successful relationship requires equal parts putting the glass in the dishwasher, and learning to let it go when the glass is left by the sink, on both sides.

[marbel]

ITA. But I also think feeling disrepected by a dirty glass by the sink is a little anal. You've got to pick your battles a little more carefully than that.

 

I agree but in my experience, it's usually more than just a glass by the sink...

 

A glass by the sink, socks left on the floor, coats thrown over a chair rather than hung up in the closet... it can build up.

 

Often those go along with an expectation of other things being done.  My husband has commented more than once how clean clothing "magically" appears in his closet and dresser... in a way that indicates he knows it is far from magical.  We have done a little pre-marital counseling for couples at church and he is sure to tell the couples not to let things like that become invisible or taking for granted. 

 

Sometimes I thank him for going to work.  He thanks me for lunch and for staying home with the kids. 

 

Often it's said (maybe this is primarily by Christian authors) that men need to be respected and women need to be loved. But women need to be respected too.  My time may not be as valuable, in a pure financial sense, as my husband's.... but it's still valuable in other ways.

 

[8circles]

I agree with the point in the article.  I think all of these examples suck.  

 

I think it's pretty backwards to expect men to understand that the glass next to the sink = disrespect, lack of love, etc when the woman herself doesn't know it.  If she does know it, then it's on her to not make it about the glass but about the love.

[Laura Corin]

I ran the issue by my 91 year old mother and she immediately saw the disrespect.

[Mimm]

Yeah I can't comprehend attaching so much meaning to a glass by the sink. I guess there are probably other things I would get equally worked up about but the entire time I was reading that, I just kept thinking... It's just a glass.

 

ETA: Yeah I realize that his point was that it wasn't just a glass.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Mimm

[happi duck]

The normal mode for my dh is to not do anything unless he totally understands and agrees with the reasoning. It does feel disrespectful when "it matters to me" isn't a good enough reason.

 

The things that seems "crazy" in isolation, like the glass example, add up and/or make the simplest examples.

[Zebra]

It's been my experience that a successful relationship requires equal parts putting the glass in the dishwasher, and learning to let it go when the glass is left by the sink, on both sides.

 

I completely agree.

 

The problem starts when you don't let it go when your DH leaves a glass out (even though you have spoken to him about it).  Or, if you put the glass on the counter as a statement.  Habitual disrespect of your partner is a big deal, and is like death by a million papercuts.

[mamiof5]

Glass or no glass by the sink, I hope and pray my husband never thinks of me using that language, even if it's just in his mind. He knows how I feel about foul language, and that would hurt me more than anything :(

[iamonlyone]

Yes, I agree with the posters that the glass example is a little thing, but I think the author is writing about an accumulative attitude—one that disregards a wife's feelings and preferences. If a husband puts gas in his wife's car, thanks her for his laundry magically appearing in the drawers, and is generally invested and part of the team, then a glass left out by the sink wouldn't probably have the same emotional impact.

 

I think it might also matter how secure a woman is in herself and what kind of home she came from. My dad's job required him to work out of state (we saw him at Christmas and in the summer), and he was emotionally distant and not involved in our family's life. My mom was critical and a person's value was very tied to their work/success (even in cleaning up after oneself when baking, etc.). So I think my background makes this an area that can be more difficult for me because I might have kind of a validation void.

 

If there are always dirty dishes waiting to be put in the dishwasher, plus a spouse who doesn't know his wife's preferences in anything from food to color to movies or books...if all of the effort to connect (spend time together, talk, etc.) comes from one spouse...if the husband doesn't spend any time talking with or playing with the children or his wife...then the little stuff fuels the insecurity. I'm not referring specifically to my family here, but I can definitely see how little (and bigger) neglectful things could cause an emotional hurricane.

 

I recognize that many thoughtless things we all do are not meant with enmity. I also recognize that I can feel devalued—almost invisible—like what I say or think does not only not matter but can't be heard...doesn't exist. That is when I can see women perhaps lashing out over the insignificant or, as in the article, deciding not to invest in the marriage anymore. It could be fighting against the invisibility—screaming to be heard, even if she sounds like a raving lunatic, just to be recognized and to exist. That might not make sense to anyone else as we all feel things so differently.

 

It's interesting how we sometimes have a different view of value and respect when we think of children rather than adults. If our child asked us to please not leave our coffee mug on her nightstand every night after we read her a story, most of us would probably make an effort not to leave it there every night—not because we couldn't pick it up in the morning, but just because we love our child and would like to respect her wishes.

[Sara in AZ]

I agree but in my experience, it's usually more than just a glass by the sink...

 

A glass by the sink, socks left on the floor, coats thrown over a chair rather than hung up in the closet... it can build up.

 

Often those go along with an expectation of other things being done. My husband has commented more than once how clean clothing "magically" appears in his closet and dresser... in a way that indicates he knows it is far from magical. We have done a little pre-marital counseling for couples at church and he is sure to tell the couples not to let things like that become invisible or taking for granted.

 

Sometimes I thank him for going to work. He thanks me for lunch and for staying home with the kids.

 

Often it's said (maybe this is primarily by Christian authors) that men need to be respected and women need to be loved. But women need to be respected too. My time may not be as valuable, in a pure financial sense, as my husband's.... but it's still valuable in other ways.

 

 

When I ever mention to DH how the clothes magically end up in the closet and food appears in the fridge, he makes sure to remind me how the money magically appears in my bank account. 😃

[Guest]

When I ever mention to DH how the clothes magically end up in the closet and food appears in the fridge, he makes sure to remind me how the money magically appears in my bank account. 😃

 

Why? Would he stop paying you if you stopped doing his laundry? Would you stop putting food in the fridge if he got fired?

 

Obviously those are rhetorical questions. The point of which, marriage neds to have respect at the core. Once it's tit for tat, it's an arrangement, not a relationship.

[HeWillSoar]

Wow, great article!   I have a wonderful DH and we've been married  22 years  but the article hit home for me.   I could substitute recycling for the glass.  Recycling is important to me but not so much to DH.  It is so irritating to find boxes, etc. in the trash can when they could have been put in the recycling bin.  And I have said it time and again!! 

[Guest]

I thought this was interesting as a tag-on to the board conversations about the article where the woman was upset about her husband bringing home the "wrong" hamburger and the discussions about loading-the-dishwasher frustration.

 

http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It is an interesting article, BUT - and here is the important BUT - ideally, both partners are equally respectful and gracious in accommodating their partner's preferences. In a good marriage (or any kind of relationship), there is no score-keeping, and selfishness has to be put on the back burner.

 

When DH and I first got married, I would do the laundry and put his basket of clean clothes, laundered totally by me, beside the bed where he slept. Do you think this made him put his clothes away? No, no it did not. He would just grab clothes out of the basket until the next laundry day. Now, there are a couple ways I could respond. I could say nothing, yet seethe and be slowly driven mad by his untidy basket of clothing. I could let him know it bugs me, because I did after all put in the complete and total effort to clean his clothes. (I actually did do this at first.) I could also just realize that he does not care. Once I realize this, I can choose to let it go (let him choose his clothes however he wants), be continuously pissed off about it but refuse to do anything about the clothes myself, or I could just put them in the drawers myself. This is what I chose. So, for 21 years, I have laundered all his clothes, folded or hung them all, then returned them to the drawers where they belong. I choose not to be mad about it because I am the one who decided the clothes must go in the drawers for me to be at peace.

 

So, in the article - yeah, it would have been nice for the guy to just train himself to put the glass in the DW, but it would have been equally fine for his widpfe to either quit bitching about it and let the glass stay, OR quit bitching about it and see that he has a point about it not hurting anything. (Besides, I have tried to get my sons to keep rinsing out the same glass for one day! I don't want them to make a new dish everytime they want a drink because then the top rack is full by dinner and there aren't many glasses left!)

[Katy]

DH regularly compliments the "laundry fairy" the "cleaning fairy" and the "magically found the items I lost fairy."

 

I can't imagine being happily married if I let a stray glass (or the toilet seat) get to me.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Katy

[Guest]

Also, I think this is SUCH a two-way street. Yes, I do 99.9% of the household shopping, even though I hate this chore. I buy the dog food, the hamburger, the milk and the Christmas gifts. I buy his mother's birthday card and remind him that it's the 25th, not the 26th. ;) However, he does 99.9% of the concern over keeping the house heated and the water hot. We have a wood-burning furnace - that is not an accessory for a lazy lifestyle! I have never chopped a cord of wood or stoked that fire three times a day and, the one time he tried to explain to me how to keep it burning while he went away for the weekend, I simply begged him to switch it over to oil-fired for the weekend so I please please please would not have to do that! ;)

 

I do thank him for working sometimes and today I am ever-so-greatful that he has heavy equipment to move all this ridiculous snow. :D But the point is, I dont think either partner should ever get so proud that they only see their own marvelous contributions to the marrige and all the partner earns is contempt.

[MFG]

(Besides, I have tried to get my sons to keep rinsing out the same glass for one day! I don't want them to make a new dish everytime they want a drink because then the top rack is full by dinner and there aren't many glasses left!)

I agree with this! It would bug me if everyone got a new glass for each drink, regardless of where the glass was put when done.

I also disliked the impression (not sure if it was implied in the the article or just my impression) that *women* care about silly things like used glasses by the sink but men have more substantive concerns. Those kind of broad stereotypes generally come across as annoying.

[Bluegoat]

I felt like this was a little one-sided.  Maybe because I am the one more likely to leave the glass out. 

 

Really, it could have been the wife in the scenario who decided to let it go for the sake of marital harmony.  Of course maybe she was always the one to let things go, and no one should always be the one to compromise.  Or maybe she was anal about housework to the point that no one would ever care that much? 

 

All of which is to say, I don't feel like the article really got to the heart of these kinds of situations.  THe easy answer is the one who cares less should be the one to compromise, and that works for many people.  But sometimes, it's always one person who cares more, or their caring is very demanding, or the not-caring on the part of the other person is just total slovenliness.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, the respect issue isn't only about respecting the other person's preferences.

It is also about respecting them enough not to leave them work that you find demeaning.

For instance, if someone habitually leaves their used underwear on the bathroom floor because it is beneath them to put it in the laundry room, that implies that it is NOT beneath their spouse to do so, and that their spouse is beneath them.  This issue isn't usually about just one thing; rather it's a general attitude.  It can get to be corrosive.  Here's a view of that kind of thing from 1971:  http://nymag.com/news/features/46167/

[Guest]

The premise of the whole blog is that this gy recognizes what he did wrong in his marriage, that led to his divorce, and that, generally speaking divorce is not the super bst most awesome fun thing. It is from his perspective, and the lessons he learned can be mined and made applicable to a number of other--common--scenarios.

 

But nbd if it doesn't help any one person on their particular journey.

 

He also has a post about how his wife wanted him to be a macho-man. But he was d.o.n.e apologizing for preferring poetry to engine rebuilding.  That ymmv goes without saying.

[bettyandbob]

When I ever mention to DH how the clothes magically end up in the closet and food appears in the fridge, he makes sure to remind me how the money magically appears in my bank account. 😃

In my home that would be a disrespectful response. It would make me feel like the marriage was not a partnership, rather one person was the "boss" paying for cooking and cleaning.

[goldberry]

In our house, we thank each other.  Very simple, and often all it takes to make one of us feel better if we are feeling a bit ignored.  It doesn't matter "my job" or "his job".  He says, "oh thanks for doing all that laundry"  I say, "thanks for shoveling the driveway, it was so cold outside".    It seems so simple, but it keeps either one of us from feeling taken for granted.

The general point of the article, I agree with.

[marbel]

When I ever mention to DH how the clothes magically end up in the closet and food appears in the fridge, he makes sure to remind me how the money magically appears in my bank account. 😃

 

I could take that a couple of different ways:

 

1.  tongue-in-cheek on both sides.

 

2.  a caustic response to a caustic comment.

 

Depends on how the comments were made, and the intent.   I figure my husband knows how the clothes and food get there; if I decided to remind him I think he'd be taken aback and may respond in a way I didn't like --> because he would assume I was being sarcastic or testy. 

 

[Laura Corin]

Of course there has to be give and take, but never dealing with something that bothers the other person does denote disrespect, I believe.

 

Husband goes to bed in socks, but usually takes them off in the middle of the night.  It used to bother me that they would just lie on the floor (ETA - after we got up in the morning).  I told Husband about it and now he puts them away.  But his back is stiff in the morning and it's uncomfortable for him to bend over, so I often get to the socks before he does.  That's absolutely fine: I know that he considers my feelings and intends to respect them, but sometimes just can't follow through. I don't expect him either to hurt himself or to crawl on hands and knees to pick them up.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Laura Corin]

It depends if what bothers the other person is an accurate reflection of reality. 

 

Outside of an abusive relationship (I know, definitions....) I don't think that that matters.  Objectively, do Husband's socks on the floor matter?  Absolutely not.  Objectively, does it matter whether I put the short glasses on the left of the shelf and the tall glasses on the right?  Absolutely not.  But each of us, bizarrely, cares about those things.  So the other shows respect by trying to accommodate the spouse's quirks.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Outside of an abusive relationship (I know, definitions....) I don't think that that matters.  Objectively, do Husband's socks on the floor matter?  Absolutely not.  Objectively, does it matter whether I put the short glasses on the left of the shelf and the tall glasses on the right?  Absolutely not.  But each of us, bizarrely, cares about those things.  So the other shows respect by trying to accommodate the spouse's quirks.

Thank goodness this is not an issue for us, but this would bug me severely.  (That is my spouse expecting weird stuff like glasses put away on a certain side, etc.)

[Laura Corin]

Thank goodness this is not an issue for us, but this would bug me severely.  (That is my spouse expecting weird stuff like glasses put away on a certain side, etc.)

 

Maybe both of us are quirky and therefore accommodate each other.  Is there something unimportant that matters to you?  Toilet paper hanging?  Dishes in sink/beside sink?  Pockets emptied before items put in the washing basket rather than as they are put into the machine?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe both of us are quirky and therefore accommodate each other.  Is there something unimportant that matters to you?  Toilet paper hanging?  Dishes in sink/beside sink?  Pockets emptied before items put in the washing basket rather than as they are put into the machine?

 

Nope.  Not a single thing.

 

My kids do stuff that annoys me, but never my spouse.

[Laura Corin]

Nope.  Not a single thing.

 

My kids do stuff that annoys me, but never my spouse.

 

I suspect that's a fairly rare and definitely wonderful thing.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe both of us are quirky and therefore accommodate each other.  Is there something unimportant that matters to you?  Toilet paper hanging?  Dishes in sink/beside sink?  Pockets emptied before items put in the washing basket rather than as they are put into the machine?

 

Well, but this is what it comes down to.  It is something between the two of you and you've figured it out. 

 

My  husband grew up with a neat freak mother.  I am pretty sloppy by comparison.  He never comments on that fact though.  He lets me be myself in that department.  Then again, I am the one who does most of the cleaning so he probably realizes that if he complains he might have to do more cleaning.  LOL

 

On the plus side I absolutely never have to pick up after him.  He never leaves anything on the floor.  He puts his plate away after using it.  If he sees that something needs to be done, he does it.  I hate cleaning the shower stall, for example.  I never said so, but I don't get to it much.  So he cleans it.  He never said a word about it ever though.

[marbel]

Of course there has to be give and take, but never dealing with something that bothers the other person does denote disrespect, I believe.

 

Husband goes to bed in socks, but usually takes them off in the middle of the night.  It used to bother me that they would just lie on the floor.  I told Husband about it and now he puts them away.  But his back is stiff in the morning and it's uncomfortable for him to bend over, so I often get to the socks before he does.  That's absolutely fine: I know that he considers my feelings and intends to respect them, but sometimes just can't follow through. I don't expect him either to hurt himself or to crawl on hands and knees to pick them up.

 

At first I thought you meant that it bothered you that he didn't get up in the middle of the night to put the socks away, right after he took them off. Whew!  Glad to see I was wrong about that!

 

I do know what you mean.  Acknowledging the request and not dismissing it as petty is important and goes a long way toward creating and maintaining goodwill.

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

I think the blog post was spot on.

 

 

The glass is never really the issue, but putting it in the dishwasher is what solves it.

 

 

If it matters that much to your spouse, why wouldn't you?

[Bluegoat]

In my home that would be a disrespectful response. It would make me feel like the marriage was not a partnership, rather one person was the "boss" paying for cooking and cleaning.

 

I didn't really take it that way at all.  I thought it was more "hey, notice how I do the laundry and cooking" and the response was "yeah, notice how I work for our pay."  As in - we all do our jobs for the household.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think the blog post was spot on.

 

 

The glass is never really the issue, but putting it in the dishwasher is what solves it.

 

 

If it matters that much to your spouse, why wouldn't you?

 

See probably what I'd do is leave it on the counter.  Let the glasses pile up.  See how long it takes him to notice.  LOL

[DragonFaerie]

It is an interesting article, BUT - and here is the important BUT - ideally, both partners are equally respectful and gracious in accommodating their partner's preferences. In a good marriage (or any kind of relationship), there is no score-keeping, and selfishness has to be put on the back burner.

 

When DH and I first got married, I would do the laundry and put his basket of clean clothes, laundered totally by me, beside the bed where he slept. Do you think this made him put his clothes away? No, no it did not. He would just grab clothes out of the basket until the next laundry day. Now, there are a couple ways I could respond. I could say nothing, yet seethe and be slowly driven mad by his untidy basket of clothing. I could let him know it bugs me, because I did after all put in the complete and total effort to clean his clothes. (I actually did do this at first.) I could also just realize that he does not care. Once I realize this, I can choose to let it go (let him choose his clothes however he wants), be continuously pissed off about it but refuse to do anything about the clothes myself, or I could just put them in the drawers myself. This is what I chose. So, for 21 years, I have laundered all his clothes, folded or hung them all, then returned them to the drawers where they belong. I choose not to be mad about it because I am the one who decided the clothes must go in the drawers for me to be at peace.

 

 

What bothers me about this, and I think what the author is trying to say in the article, is, why does your husband care so little about your feelings on the matter?  Why is it so hard for him to be considerate of you and simply put his already cleaned and folded laundry into the drawers?  Sure, you can choose to just do it yourself, but it seems to me that he could also recognize that having the clean laundry put away is important to you and put his clothes away out of respect to your feelings.

[Guest]

What bothers me about this, and I think what the author is trying to say in the article, is, why does your husband care so little about your feelings on the matter? Why is it so hard for him to be considerate of you and simply put his already cleaned and folded laundry into the drawers? Sure, you can choose to just do it yourself, but it seems to me that he could also recognize that having the clean laundry put away is important to you and put his clothes away out of respect to your feelings.

Because I think the important thing to remember is that we all have our little "things" and why does it have to be the way *I* think it should be? Sure, I think clean clothes go back in the drawers, but he thinks the bedroom is not going in a magazine spread next week, so who cares if he just wears it out of the basket and skips the tedious putting-away part? In any relationship, there can be so many issues like this, if you let them be issues. He also could have told me he refuses to turn the heat to run on the oil and it was up to me to suck it up and tend the wood furnace, or else go without heat. He could have insisted I bend to doing it his way, but he didn't because he was gracious.

 

Therefore, if I want the clothing back in the drawer, the onus is on me to put it there, or else I could get over his wear-out-of-the-basket way and not put away his clothes at all. Yes, it is true that he could also adapt - and there are plenty of instances in which he has adapted to "my way," and plenty other instances where I have adapted to "his way." Plus some things, each of us have just decided it wasn't worth being chapped about and so we just ignore it.

[Guest]

P.S. Also, DH is weak in the Executive Function department, something I did not understand well until I also had a son like this. So, there are a lot of detail tasks that are not worth trying to "help him, make him, plead with him to notice and care about. Pickin my battles and all that. ;)

[Rosie_0801]

Because I think the important thing to remember is that we all have our little "things" and why does it have to be the way *I* think it should be? Sure, I think clean clothes go back in the drawers, but he thinks the bedroom is not going in a magazine spread next week, so who cares if he just wears it out of the basket and skips the tedious putting-away part? In any relationship, there can be so many issues like this, if you let them be issues. He also could have told me he refuses to turn the heat to run on the oil and it was up to me to suck it up and tend the wood furnace, or else go without heat. He could have insisted I bend to doing it his way, but he didn't because he was gracious.

 

Therefore, if I want the clothing back in the drawer, the onus is on me to put it there, or else I could get over his wear-out-of-the-basket way and not put away his clothes at all. Yes, it is true that he could also adapt - and there are plenty of instances in which he has adapted to "my way," and plenty other instances where I have adapted to "his way." Plus some things, each of us have just decided it wasn't worth being chapped about and so we just ignore it.

 

Yes we all have our little things. In some relationships those will only ever be little things. It started out like that at my place, and some years later adequate food and sleep were being classed as little things that shouldn't have to be the way *I* thought they should be. 

 

 

I think people's perceptions on this are going to vary considerably depending which side of the very fuzzy DV line people have lived on.

[Bluegoat]

P.S. Also, DH is weak in the Executive Function department, something I did not understand well until I also had a son like this. So, there are a lot of detail tasks that are not worth trying to "help him, make him, plead with him to notice and care about. Pickin my battles and all that. ;)

 

I think life became much easier for my husband when he realized that I just don't notice many of the things that bother him - as in, I'm not aware of them unless I make a point of putting energy into noticing.  He's very attuned to the visual details of his environment, and I'm just not.  The more things I have to notice because they bother him, the less likely I am to be very regular about any of them, because I can't spend all day with my noticing-switch on.

[Guest]

It's been my experience that a successful relationship requires equal parts putting the glass in the dishwasher, and learning to let it go when the glass is left by the sink, on both sides.

Bingo.

[Sara in AZ]

I could take that a couple of different ways:

 

1. tongue-in-cheek on both sides.

 

2. a caustic response to a caustic comment.

 

Depends on how the comments were made, and the intent. I figure my husband knows how the clothes and food get there; if I decided to remind him I think he'd be taken aback and may respond in a way I didn't like --> because he would assume I was being sarcastic or testy.

 

Totally tongue in cheek. We were teasing, and it was a good reminder that we are both making important contributions.

[8circles]

I'm having trouble with the idea that it is reasonable or understandable, these requests for glasses to not be next to the sink.  Maybe it's because I have history with very type-A parents and it strikes a nerve?  IDK.  These requests, as discussed in the articles, come across to me as very type-A, very controlling, and yes - abusive.  Not that asking that glasses be put in the dishwasher is abusive, but tying them into love or respect for your spouse.  If the genders were reversed, I think it would be much more obvious.  

 

I think what is missing for me in many of the posts here is the idea of balance.  Not balance as in, I have quirks that he indulges, he has quirks that I indulge.  But balance as in - I have this need to feel appreciated, respected, loved, etc.  I would like my spouse to do _____ in order to express this to me.  But what is my spouse capable of doing in this regard?  Is he showing me these things in other ways?  

 

It just seems so one-sided.

 

I'm just really glad that my spouse is type-Z, just like me.  Not that we haven't had our issues, but I shudder to think the anxiety I would have in my own home, my own life, if such strong emotions were tied to such unimportant tasks.

[Word Nerd]

It's been my experience that a successful relationship requires equal parts putting the glass in the dishwasher, and learning to let it go when the glass is left by the sink, on both sides.

Exactly.