Oversharing--is it generational, is it social media...

[bettyandbob]

At one place I work, most of my immediate coworkers are 16-27. 

 

I seem to know way too much about the lives of my coworkers. I was thinking maybe it was due to social media making general changes in how we interact. I do not interact with any of my coworkers on social media, however I think social media may have a role in stepping up the level of intimacy in our interactions. Twenty years ago if I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while we might spend time on superficial questions about where we are working now and how our kids are doing. If I were a teen my superficial conversation starter might be about what classes I was taking and school, making the soccer team and where I was looking at college. General signposts for the stage in life. Now, many people share all that to begin with, so when you run into a friend you might know all that and the conversation jumps to a more intimate level more quickly. (FTR, I share very little on FB, so I generally have actual catching up to do with people). So, I'm thinking for people used to social media, maybe they've lost that filter and always start conversation with things that used to be considered more intimate topics. 

 

I was discussing this phenomenon with a friend and he said he's seen the increase in oversharing, but it's been among people his age. 

 

I'd like my coworkers to learn some conversations are

appropriate to have with patrons

appropriate to have in the presence (nearby-w/i earshot) of patrons

appropriate with coworkers away from patrons

appropriate with friends and coworkers are not always friends

appropriate only with a very best friend who does not gossip

appropriate with one's doctor

 

I think not understanding these differences can really hurt a person. An employee may not be fired, but perhaps will not be considered for positions requiring more responsibility since 1. oversharing shows poor judgement and 2. some of the things overshared are examples of poor judgment. 

 

Just about anything you can imagine being a private conversation topic is something I've heard at work (hookups, casual drug activity, a coworker's choice of birth control, other crap). The example my friend  had was people telling him about couples who no longer had relations--information unnecessary to the context at the time. 

 

Have you encountered an uptick in oversharing. Is it the new normal? Do we no longer have different contexts of appropriate conversation. Is there a difference between personal and professional?

 

 

 

 

With regard to this board:

So, perhaps on this board I have overshared. I know this isn't private. When I've come here with a problem I try not to give information that could directly identify my family so I don't name my dc and I try to be somewhat vague. I'm sure someone who had the energy could come through years of posts to and match up details. At the same time the most significant private things I've discussed have been health and development issues, which really shouldn't be problematic. 

 

 

 

 

[Anne in CA]

I, also see a big trend in oversharing among the age group you are talking about. I thought it was just my oldest dd and her friends, (she is 27), but thanks to facebook I can see that A LOT of young people overshare and simply don't know what private means. You are right that it is career limiting. But another trend I see is that people in that age group are not planning for a career as much as we were when we were younger. They don't take the idea of a career as seriously for whatever reason, so  I don't know if appealing to people that age based on that is going to be effective.

 

The bigger issues with not being able to promote someone with a big mouth don't go away. I had a cook last year that was 72 and she still could not stop herself from saying something rude once in a while to hurt someone's feelings. Some people never learn to control their mouths. That cook has never had a supervisory position in her whole life, even though she is intelligent, and a good cook. She can't be trusted not to run over other people verbally. How you conduct your mouth around coworkers is a big deal, and some people are NEVER going to get it, and some people probably need some gentle instruction.

 

When my dh first went to work in a corporate job his boss gave him lots of pointers about how to fit into a white collar environment vs the blue collar environment he had come from. That boss was very, very helpful. But dh was willing to take the help. Some people are not willing to take help, they are insecure and take help as an attack.

[happi duck]

Ime, over sharing is a personality thing not an age thing. I don't see an increase...I've always known people who overshare.

[JumpyTheFrog]

"Loose lips sink ships." That's our motto. I don't know if people overshare more than they used to or not, but DH and I have always been on the privacy end of the spectrum.

[Luckymama]

My father-in-law is a chronic over-sharer. His mother was the same way. Like a pp, I think it's a personality trait, not a generational one. Perhaps the people who are attracted to social media are the type who like overshare.

[HomeAgain]

I see it as a maturity thing. The younger people I know tend to broadcast their lives more, but as they get older they see the good and bad of doing so and slowly rein in.  It is no surprise to see ladies of 19, 20 years old thinking the whole world should know how they feel about EVERYTHING.  I do have the benefit of living in a very small community so the oversharing tends to be nipped quick when they see how it affects how people see them. (annd some, well, they're still learning. ;) )

[Lolly]

I think it is directly related to social media. Especially anonymous boards like this one. I know I find myself talking about topics irl that i never would have discussed in public before I started coming here.

[Plink]

Over sharing is common, however it is not your place to correct co-workers. It will make you look judgmental and controlling.

[bettyandbob]

Over sharing is common, however it is not your place to correct co-workers. It will make you look judgmental and controlling.

 

 

I'm not sure I said that was what I was going to do. I said I would like them to learn to watch what they say, but I didn't say I was going to be the one to call them on it. 

[regentrude]

I do not think it is age specific or just related to social media. Some people simply do not have any notion that some things should remain private.

Our secretary (late 50s) likes to share every medical detail of any family member and details about her daughter's domestic violence situation with an abusive ex etc.

 

We know way more about her family drama than we should. The only consequence for us is not to share information with her that we do not wish to be broadcast to the world.

 

ETA: To answer the last question: yes, there is obviously a difference between professional and private. But sometimes the lines get blurred - I am sure the lady I mentioned would never share these aspects of her lives with students or visitors of the department, but she feels comfortable with certain colleagues. It's more an issue of the boundary between "friendly acquaintance" and "friend".

Edited November 29, 2015 by regentrude

[Garga]

It's also regional. I just spent a lovely afternoon with a friend who moved to New England a few years ago. She's in her late 30's and I've never thought she overshares. She doesn't participate in any social media.

 

She said that after two years of living in New England she's just now learning now how to reign in the things she says. She would talk about things that are normal to discuss in this area and she would watch people's eyes in New England grow a little wide and they'd shut down. She's learned not to be demonstrative in any way.

 

Now, this woman that I know...I've told her that if Jesus was born today, she would probably be chosen as his mother. She's outrageously kind and sweet and gentle. She works as a psychologist with abused children. I mean, I honestly think that Mary was probably just like her. So, I know (I *know*) she's not (100% not) talking about inappropriate things. But the region where she lives is markedly more reserved that this area. And we're of stoic German stock, so that's saying something.

 

OP--are you from a more reserved area and moved to somewhere more open? Or are you in the same place?

 

I also agree that it's an age thing. When I worked as a civilian on a military base, none of us were over 25. And we shared everything. I was only 17 and got quite the education. I knew everything about my co-worker's private lives with their girl/boyfriends. More than I ever wanted to know! If my mama knew what they talked about at work, she'd have made me find a new job. But we were a group of people aged 17-25 with a lot of time on our hands and all we did was talk, talk, talk about absolutely everything.

 

This was back in the day before I even had a home computer, so no social media. I didn't know a single person with a cell phone back then.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Garga

[Arcadia]

Some of my paternal aunts overshare when chatting and they were born before WWII since my dad is the youngest. Think it is personality because some of my paternal aunts are very private. Same spread for my paternal cousins born in the 50s-60s.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think it is maybe a personality thing.  I remember my husband talking about a coworker who would incessantly talk about his son's medical condition.  Except the really personal details like the details of invasive medical tests.  And he'd get on the phone with some of the doctors/labs and loudly talk about these personal details.  It bordered on comical because on top of that he'd come to work every day with stuff he spilled on his shirt from breakfast. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[wonderchica]

Some people are just very open. Some don't have close friends to share with. Some are just rude. I don't think it's generational. I worked fast food in high school and had plenty of customers overshare. All ages, all sorts of things. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can always politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

[kewb]

I do believe these kids today immesely overshare.  I see it with my own kids and their friends.  There seems to be zero expectation of privacy.  Dh and I have discussed until we are blue in the face about not oversharing and not putting things on social media.

 

On the flip side of the oversharing I believe it has brought to light many things that should have been being discussed in the open all along.  Thinking back to my own childhood when cancer was only whispered as "The big C" and not discussed in front the kinder.  When my dh was diagnosed with cancer I was hesitant to discuss it.  I was putting up a brave front and all.  When I finally opened up I knew a lot of people who were going through it or knew someone going through it and found a lot of support that would not have been available if I hadn't spoken up.

Spousal abuse, marital rape, child abuse.  All things we openly discuss now and people are able to get help. 

 

I think the skill that needs to be taught is "time and place"  A business interaction is not the place to discuss aunt's giant mole with a hair growing out of it.

[Katy]

I think it's a generational change, but I blame Oprah and therapists.  By talking about things that used to be secrets we are more open, but many of us don't understand the need for privacy anymore.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022

[Lisa R.]

I definitely think people share more than they used to, overall. Yes, there have always been those who share more freely, but it's different now.

 

In some ways, it is a good thing. For instance, when I was growing up, people didn't talk openly about depression, sexual abuse, or domestic violence. I think people having open discussions about their struggles has helped many that used to feel their issue was a isolated one that they are now not alone. That is huge. When I was growing up, much emphasis was put on showing a good face. Nowadays, when you ask people how they're doing, they just might actually answer the question truthfully. I like that there is a move toward people not being ashamed of things that are not their fault.

 

However, along with that authenticity are people sharing details I don't really need to know. If someone isn't a good friend, it doesn't seem appropriate to share one's drama. Also, I've seen teen and young adult girls freely discuss feminine health issues around males. Maybe I'm being old fashioned, but this seems to lack a sense of propriety and dignity.

 

So, I think the increase in sharing has been both good and bad.

[Guest]

No comment* on the original question, but I think it's interesting because I usually hear that the kids these days are more superficial than kids in other days. So if anything, it sounds promising that, to quote the OP, social media may have a role in stepping up the level of intimacy in our interactions.

 

*B/C I have no comment. Don't want that to read as snark that isn't there! I do, like some pp's, though, know some octogenarian over-sharers.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think there are some who have always overshared.

 

I think there are a lot of topics that are no longer (thankfully) taboo. 

 

I think that we need to give grace to young people as they figure out some things.  (I sure could be embarrassed if I thought back to how I acted and shared in my youth). 

 

I think that social media makes it more permanent when we overshare. 

 

I think there is a difference between FB where people know who you are (those on your friends list) vs. posting questions or participating on a message board with a username.  I think the latter is a helpful way to get answers that were not available in years past because of privacy concerns or embarrassment or worse. 

[albeto.]

In my grandmother's day, one wouldn't share anything more personal than the most appropriate social responses of any given circumstance. The answer to any greeting was always "fine" because to deviate from that was to burden someone with unpleasant news, potentially upset their day, which is especially mean if they can't do anything about it, and goodness knows, we all have our own things going on. Today we don't consider it being burdened, but being a supportive friend. In the 1960's talk of sexual behavior, such as sex outside of marriage and unconventional sexual behavior (ie, LGBTQ) became a kind of social battle ground. People were tired of their lives being irrelevant at best, marked and targeted at worst. I think more recently, our social battle ground focuses on mental health. We no longer have the "privilege" of being ignorant of mental health challenges like we did in the past. I have a niece who feels compelled to share her eating disorder in social media. She doesn't do this because she's seeking attention (a common accusation from older people about the intent of younger people on social media), she does this so her friends and their friends don't have to feel alone and isolated when struggling with something that really isn't all that uncommon. No one talked about it when I was her age. These are things we as a society are changing slowly but surely. People are no longer satisfied with "minding your manners" when the consequence is ignoring one's hidden, but very real needs. I think social media is simply increasing the speed of this evolution, but it's always been there, as a look through social history will show. 

 

I agree with Plink. It's not your place to educate your co-workers. That will come across badly, even though you intend only good things. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it's a combo of a natural inclination to gossip (which I hate but which I know some people love) and a general coarsening of societal discourse that makes a lot of 'private life' stuff into public knowledge, very explicitly, in a way that would have been absolutely unthinkable two generations ago.  The adjustment to the coarsening is to some extent generational, and to some extent situational, and it's very dynamic right now.  It IS pretty disconcerting at times.

[Bluegoat]

There have lwys been people who over-shared, and I think that young people have often been more inclined to speak bout the intimate details of their lives.

 

I do think there has been something of  greater tendency to overshare, and that it is somewhat regional.  I tend to connect it to television more than social media myself, particularly talk shows and reality tv.  I think of it s Dr Phil syndrome - this idea that somehow reveling the intimate details of your emotional life to people you don't know is healthy.

[EmilyGF]

I do not think it is age specific or just related to social media. Some people simply do not have any notion that some things should remain private.

Our secretary (late 50s) likes to share every medical detail of any family member and details about her daughter's domestic violence situation with an abusive ex etc.

 

We know way more about her family drama than we should. The only consequence for us is not to share information with her that we do not wish to be broadcast to the world.

 

ETA: To answer the last question: yes, there is obviously a difference between professional and private. But sometimes the lines get blurred - I am sure the lady I mentioned would never share these aspects of her lives with students or visitors of the department, but she feels comfortable with certain colleagues. It's more an issue of the boundary between "friendly acquaintance" and "friend".

This. I have friends who overshare and I am very very careful what I let them know. Basically, our friendship is trust-limited because I know how much they like to talk and how little I want to be talked about.

 

Emily

[bettyandbob]

I agree with Plink. It's not your place to educate your co-workers. That will come across badly, even though you intend only good things.

Again, I did not say I was planning to correct my coworkers. There's a lot of like them to understand because I really don't want to know about their sexual activity last night, but I'm not going to explain workplace conversation to them. "Would like" and "will" have different meanings.

 

I do think it is good that some topics are no longer taboo. Very good.

 

At the same time talking about being soooo wasted does not instill confidence among the public we serve.

 

But I do know I need to continue to work with these people and my inserting opinions about their conversation topics would not make for good workplace morale.

[EmilyGF]

I also think it is a desire to be real... for example, I buy 90% of my clothes used and some of that ends up being free. If someone tells me I look nice, I sometimes mention the price of the item they have complimented. I don't want people to think I can afford to go spend $200 on a nice coat when I really got it used for $3 because I would be concerned that they think I'm a spendthrift or that I'm being rude when I tell them I can't afford to go out for dinner and the trendy restaurant they want to go to. But I am sure some people consider this oversharing. 

 

Emily

[albeto.]

Again, I did not say I was planning to correct my coworkers. There's a lot of like them to understand because I really don't want to know about their sexual activity last night, but I'm not going to explain workplace conversation to them. "Would like" and "will" have different meanings.

 

I do think it is good that some topics are no longer taboo. Very good.

 

At the same time talking about being soooo wasted does not instill confidence among the public we serve.

 

But I do know I need to continue to work with these people and my inserting opinions about their conversation topics would not make for good workplace morale.

 

Ah, I interpreted "would like" to be indicative of your plan, and an appeal for help in doing it effectively. Thanks for clarifying.  

 

I agree that professional behavior makes a difference in the public eye. Perhaps you can speak with your supervisor about talk that is overheard by the public? I think if you simply don't want to hear about these things, you might consider being humorous when it comes up. Cover your ears while you laugh and say, "TMI!" when they share stories. Or very kindly let them know privately that kind of talk makes you uncomfortable, and would they consider talking about it in such a way that leaves you out of it. If they're not shy about their sexual activities, the most you can do is appeal to their consideration for your comfort zone, so the old adage about honey and vinegar might apply here. Sorry you're uncomfortable in your workplace. That must be frustrating. 

[rebcoola]

I think some people just over share I know I do at times and my grandmother always did to an extreme.

[Guest]

I also think it is a desire to be real... for example, I buy 90% of my clothes used and some of that ends up being free. If someone tells me I look nice, I sometimes mention the price of the item they have complimented. I don't want people to think I can afford to go spend $200 on a nice coat when I really got it used for $3 because I would be concerned that they think I'm a spendthrift or that I'm being rude when I tell them I can't afford to go out for dinner and the trendy restaurant they want to go to. But I am sure some people consider this oversharing. 

 

Emily

 

I do this too, but just because deals are legitimately exciting!

[PeacefulChaos]

At one place I work, most of my immediate coworkers are 16-27. 

 

I seem to know way too much about the lives of my coworkers. I was thinking maybe it was due to social media making general changes in how we interact. I do not interact with any of my coworkers on social media, however I think social media may have a role in stepping up the level of intimacy in our interactions. Twenty years ago if I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while we might spend time on superficial questions about where we are working now and how our kids are doing. If I were a teen my superficial conversation starter might be about what classes I was taking and school, making the soccer team and where I was looking at college. General signposts for the stage in life. Now, many people share all that to begin with, so when you run into a friend you might know all that and the conversation jumps to a more intimate level more quickly. (FTR, I share very little on FB, so I generally have actual catching up to do with people). So, I'm thinking for people used to social media, maybe they've lost that filter and always start conversation with things that used to be considered more intimate topics. 

 

I was discussing this phenomenon with a friend and he said he's seen the increase in oversharing, but it's been among people his age. 

 

I'd like my coworkers to learn some conversations are

appropriate to have with patrons

appropriate to have in the presence (nearby-w/i earshot) of patrons

appropriate with coworkers away from patrons

appropriate with friends and coworkers are not always friends

appropriate only with a very best friend who does not gossip

appropriate with one's doctor

 

I think not understanding these differences can really hurt a person. An employee may not be fired, but perhaps will not be considered for positions requiring more responsibility since 1. oversharing shows poor judgement and 2. some of the things overshared are examples of poor judgment. 

 

Just about anything you can imagine being a private conversation topic is something I've heard at work (hookups, casual drug activity, a coworker's choice of birth control, other crap). The example my friend  had was people telling him about couples who no longer had relations--information unnecessary to the context at the time. 

 

Have you encountered an uptick in oversharing. Is it the new normal? Do we no longer have different contexts of appropriate conversation. Is there a difference between personal and professional?

 

 

 

 

With regard to this board:

So, perhaps on this board I have overshared. I know this isn't private. When I've come here with a problem I try not to give information that could directly identify my family so I don't name my dc and I try to be somewhat vague. I'm sure someone who had the energy could come through years of posts to and match up details. At the same time the most significant private things I've discussed have been health and development issues, which really shouldn't be problematic. 

 

Before I can really answer anything, I have to ask what 'oversharing' means.  

 

I guess I just need context.  Oversharing about what?  I can't even say I'm 100% sure what 'oversharing' means, unless it's just anything considered TMI - generally something I reserve for gross things like bathroom habits or something (my aunt - in her 50s- telling DH and I about my uncle's horrible diarrhea one Christmas comes to mind).  

 

I guess I just don't get it yet.  Hence the examples.  :)

[Ausmumof3]

I think there is always generational change about what level of information is appropriate to share at what age. Remember there was a time when kids under the age of 12 were expected to believe the dr or the stork brought the baby. Another which was common when I was younger was pregnancy wouldn't be announced till after the 12 week mark and miscarriage wasn't talked about. Certainly there is a change in that. Also using correct terminology for body parts etc.

 

These aren't bad things. It may be that the next generation will find benefits to sharing what seems inappropriate.

 

This is a major generalisation but I am a pretty private person and I think oversharers form friendships far more quickly. If you share more than average you risk being seen as loose lipped or vulgar but if you share less you can be seen as stand offish.

[PeacefulChaos]

The above post reminded me that my great-grandmother didn't go into church on Sundays when she was pregnant.  She would get dressed for it, then go and sit in the car. 

 

The idea was that she couldn't go in - people would know what she'd 'been doing'.  :blink:  

 

It was weird.  I'd never heard of such a thing before.

 

 

So I guess in that case, they didn't announce pregnancy until they showed up one Sunday with a new baby!!!  :lol: :lol:  :D

[sparrow]

I'm in the camp that believes it's a personality thing, not a social media or generational thing. Social media *does* give oversharers another venue to share, which I'm sure is quite exciting. In my experience, office environments are fertile ground for those that like to talk.  The last office I worked in was filled with 40 to 50+ year-old women. I could tell you their financial situations, the sexual relationships and financial situations of their adult children, and the drugs, legal, or otherwise, they, and their family members, took daily.

 

A frequently heard comment directed toward me? "You're so quiet!"  :lol:  Not really, I just don't participate in *those* conversations. I was office prankster though  :001_tt2: .

 

Edited December 1, 2015 by sparrow

[Guest]

The above post reminded me that my great-grandmother didn't go into church on Sundays when she was pregnant.  She would get dressed for it, then go and sit in the car. 

 

The idea was that she couldn't go in - people would know what she'd 'been doing'.   :blink:

 

It was weird.  I'd never heard of such a thing before.

 

 

So I guess in that case, they didn't announce pregnancy until they showed up one Sunday with a new baby!!!   :lol: :lol:   :D

 

LOL someone told me that once. That pregnancy was proof. Duh.

 

But what was the point of sitting in the car???? People are so funny!

[purplejackmama]

Ime, over sharing is a personality thing not an age thing. I don't see an increase...I've always known people who overshare.

 

Totally agree.  My grandmother was a big time oversharer!

[G5052]

I think it's always been an issue, but in some ways social media encourages it.

 

I went back to Facebook after a several year break because there were some college friends that I just couldn't keep track of otherwise and because there were two professional groups that I wanted to be part of.

 

But do I share what I made for dinner. No. Do I share how wonderful my husband is. No. Do I share scads of details about my teens. No. Do I share pictures. No. I'm pretty private. Do I invite others to like what I like. No.  Maybe I post 2-3 times a month if something big is going on.

Edited December 1, 2015 by G5052