Trophy wife?

[Sun]

A friend of mine, G, told me recently that she was a little disturbed by a situation her husband had mentioned. Apparently after seeing her, someone who works with her husband commented that he had a trophy wife (meaning G). G does not know the exact words used by the husband's acquaintance. Husband didn't mention this at the time it happened, only weeks later, so G does not know what she was wearing, etc. on the day in question. Her husband insists that this was meant in a joking, yet very complimentary manner--the colleague thought G was very attractive and that G's husband is fortunate to have such an attractive wife. The husband insists that it was not said in a lewd way; it was just admiring.

 

G is not sure how she feels about this. She is a SAH, homeschooling mother to teenaged children, mid-40s. She takes care of herself. The fact that she doesn't work outside the home is what makes her a little uncomfortable with the comment. She doesn't want to be seen as someone using her looks to mooch off her husband (who makes a very good living). On the other hand, she appreciates that someone found her attractive enough to mention it to her husband. She dresses in a stylish manner for someone in our area but does not wear much makeup or wear revealing clothing other than skinny jeans.

 

How would you feel if you were G? I can see why it would both bother and flatter her.

[Carrie12345]

I voted more uncomfortable than flattered, but would have picked a 50/50 option.  I am very self-conscious about my 14+ year sahm-dom and what some opinions of that probably are.  On the other hand, I'm rather self-conscious about my looks and would probably get a little thrill out of it despite my firm belief that people shouldn't talk about women (or men, really) like that.

[Butter]

When something happens or is said where I could choose to be flattered and take it as a compliment or I could choose to be disturbed or offended, I have learned it is always best to take it in the most positive light.  She takes care of herself, she looks good, the guy thought she was attractive.  It's a compliment :)

[poppy]

"She takes care of herself" and wears flattering clothes (skinny jean) because she wants to look nice.   Right? 

I think it should be taken as a lighthearted, awkward compliment- not an assessment of her value as a human.

 

ETA- was it a man or woman who said it as a compliment? I'd mind a man saying it more.  There is a difference between "wish I was that put together!" and "you are lucky to have a hot wife".

[fraidycat]

When something happens or is said where I could choose to be flattered and take it as a compliment or I could choose to be disturbed or offended, I have learned it is always best to take it in the most positive light. She takes care of herself, she looks good, the guy thought she was attractive. It's a compliment :)

:iagree:

 

I chose flattered and a little uncomfortable, though, because I would let my self-doubts about my "usefulness" outside the home creep in a little bit.

 

The discomfort is not the complimenters fault, though. That's all me.

[Anne]

Condescending statement made by someone with poor verbal skills!

 

She should ignore it - not worth the energy!

 

Anne

[regentrude]

I would not consider the comment "trophy wife" flattering because it implies that looks is all the woman has going for her.

A different word choice would/should be used to convey the fact that she is attractive - nothing offensive about that.

[Arcadia]

The connotations depends on the social circles though. In my circle, trophy wife is more of a compliment on the guy earning enough for the wife to work for fun rather than for income. If the age gap looks big to outsiders/strangers, there is a lewd connotation in usage.

In my cousins business social circles, trophy wife would be similar to socialite in connotation. Live in nanny, domestic help, and the wife accompanying the husband on all social events and trips which says partner invited would be kind of norm.

[reign]

My husband and I would both think it odd. We go a step further because we would not appreciate being told how our spouse looks. I would never complement someone on their attractive spouse. I personally think that is weird. I wouldn't be offended but I would think it awkward. I wouldn't change anything though.

[freesia]

I think being called a trophy wife is demeaning and objectifying to the woman. I would be horrified.

[Pam in CT]

Around here, "trophy wife" is a decidedly unflattering  term -- a direct smear at the wife (with connotations that she's a gold-digger) and an indirect swipe at the values of the husband (with the suggestion that he can, and likely will, trade her in as soon as any signs of age begin to emerge).

 

It may well be regional, however.

[Mimm]

My understanding of the term is that it's a younger, attractive wife, whose main purpose is to look good. I would not take that in a flattering way at all.

[Sarah CB]

I would be really uncomfortable if I actually was a trophy wife - to me, that means a second or third wife, considerably younger than my husband, and very attractive.  

 

However, from what you're saying, if I were G I'd be both flattered and uncomfortable.

[Guest]

Around here, "trophy wife" is a decidedly unflattering term -- a direct smear at the wife (with connotations that she's a gold-digger) and an indirect swipe at the values of the husband (with the suggestion that he can, and likely will, trade her in as soon as any signs of age begin to emerge).

 

It may well be regional, however.

Proof women can't win.

[Amira]

I'd assume that the person meant it as a compliment because most people aren't trying to be mean, but in reality, I can't think of any situation where it's actually a flattering term, for either him or her.

 

I certainly don't think she should change how she dresses because of this.

[Pam in CT]

Proof women can't win.

:lol: Did you need proof?

[SproutMamaK]

I would see it as someone trying to sound cool or clever when paying a compliment and going about it entirely the wrong way. Definitely awkward, but solely on the shoulders of the person making the comment.

[marbel]

I couldn't vote.  I don't really know what I'd think about it.  I would probably have to hear it said myself, to get context, tone, etc., to know what to think.

 

So, I think if it ever came up in my life (highly unlikely!  :lol:  ) I would tell my husband that I'd rather he hadn't told me, and not to tell me if it ever comes up again, because I don't know what to  make of it and now I'm wondering if I should be offended or flattered.   

[zoobie]

I'd assume that the person meant it as a compliment because most people aren't trying to be mean, but in reality, I can't think of any situation where it's actually a flattering term, for either him or her.

 

I certainly don't think she should change how she dresses because of this.

I agree. Bless his heart. ;)

[madteaparty]

I'd feel flattered. But I put my husband thru undergrad and business school and am equally educated. So I have no insecurity about mooching off anyone.

Edited to add that I'm more sceptical about a SAHM who does not know what the term means and even more so about a husband that repeats such comment at home. *jaded*

[3 ladybugs]

I call myself "dependently wealthy". I depend on my husband to give me wealth. LOL I am about 18 months younger then him. I would be flattered with it. Especially with the week I have had where I realized that there are young adults that don't remember 9/11, and that I remember when my mom was my age. :yikes: 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would see it as someone trying to sound cool or clever when paying a compliment and going about it entirely the wrong way. Definitely awkward, but solely on the shoulders of the person making the comment.

This.  It is a reflection of the poor social skills and possibly sexist values of the person saying it.  Not that anyone would ever say it about me, but if someone did say it I would be eye rolling and then moving on with my own business and dressing the way I want to.  

[Guest]

Flattered, but a little uncomfy that I'm a trophy based on looking good.

[Guest]

I would be really uncomfortable if I actually was a trophy wife - to me, that means a second or third wife, considerably younger than my husband, and very attractive.

 

However, from what you're saying, if I were G I'd be both flattered and uncomfortable.

That's been my experience, too. There were sneers about that when I married my husband, who was nearly a decade older and well established to my broke ass college studentness. These comments came from other girls of the same age as me, who were friends or acquaintances. Though they were intended to be half joking, the implication and even a touch of jealousy was clear enough. The epithet has also been applied to my stepmom, who was a younger, childless, very attractive second wife. If it is meant to be a compliment there are much, much better ways to do it - commenting on how attractive and put together a woman is doesn't have quite the same subtext as implying she is a gold digger, arm candy, or mistress.

 

I wouldn't lose sleep over it, but I would eye roll a bit.

[Carol in Cal.]

I always think of a trophy wife as a very much younger than the husband, very attractive woman, who he can attract because of his wealth, and who demonstrates that he can afford someone who is 'high maintenance'.  So it would bother me to be called that.  It sounds like she is being cast as superficial, insincere, and a moocher.  OTOH, it also sounds like she is viewed as a real stunner, just not expressed very well. 

[happi duck]

I don't think trophy wife is *ever* meant as a compliment to the woman...a trophy is an object.

 

I think this can sometimes be a skeevy compliment to the man.

 

If coworker saw her at an event or something s/he should have given her a compliment "you look lovely this evening".

 

Or maybe I'm just mad that I would never be called a trophy wife! ;) (not really!)

[Mimm]

A trophy is something that you won. How does a man win a trophy wife? By being wealthy enough to attract one. I dunno, it just seems like a really icky sexist and demeaning term. I'm surprised at how many people would be flattered by that, so I guess it doesn't have the same connotations to everyone.

 

To be clear, even if I was called a trophy wife (which there is no danger of) ;) I wouldn't change a single thing about how I dressed or did my hair or make up. Anyone who would call me that isn't worth considering.

[xixstar]

I guess I should now be mad at DH. He was a little older when we married and some of his friends were already getting divorced. He would sometimes joke that he skipped the starter wife and went right to trophy wife. I know he meant it positively because he found me attractive and also a great catch for other reasons. I was never offended --- until years later when I started to worry because I was not as physically attractive(or so I thought) and then it bothered me at times.

[VeteranMom]

People are going to think what they want about any situation.  I'm not a "trophy wife", but I don't work and my husband supports our family.  What does that make me?  A lazy spender who is 40 pounds overweight? :laugh:     

 

[maize]

I wouldn't overthink it, it was probably meant as a compliment.

[TranquilMind]

A friend of mine, G, told me recently that she was a little disturbed by a situation her husband had mentioned. Apparently after seeing her, someone who works with her husband commented that he had a trophy wife (meaning G). G does not know the exact words used by the husband's acquaintance. Husband didn't mention this at the time it happened, only weeks later, so G does not know what she was wearing, etc. on the day in question. Her husband insists that this was meant in a joking, yet very complimentary manner--the colleague thought G was very attractive and that G's husband is fortunate to have such an attractive wife. The husband insists that it was not said in a lewd way; it was just admiring.

 

G is not sure how she feels about this. She is a SAH, homeschooling mother to teenaged children, mid-40s. She takes care of herself. The fact that she doesn't work outside the home is what makes her a little uncomfortable with the comment. She doesn't want to be seen as someone using her looks to mooch off her husband (who makes a very good living). On the other hand, she appreciates that someone found her attractive enough to mention it to her husband. She dresses in a stylish manner for someone in our area but does not wear much makeup or wear revealing clothing other than skinny jeans.

 

How would you feel if you were G? I can see why it would both bother and flatter her.

Are you kidding me?  She should be flattered. She is a mom of teens and still attracts attention.   This is not a guy with whom she will regularly interact, just some guy her husband works with at the office. 

 

She is overthinking this.  This was not a commentary on her employment status or that she was a lightweight of some kind. 

 

I remember when I was in my late 30's and some very young contractor was attempting (badly) to flirt with me.  I was like, "Yep, I've still got it going on!" 

 

I'm a trophy wife.  Ha ha.  At least I hope my husband thinks so.  ;)

[TranquilMind]

A trophy is something that you won. How does a man win a trophy wife? By being wealthy enough to attract one. I dunno, it just seems like a really icky sexist and demeaning term. I'm surprised at how many people would be flattered by that, so I guess it doesn't have the same connotations to everyone.

 

To be clear, even if I was called a trophy wife (which there is no danger of) ;) I wouldn't change a single thing about how I dressed or did my hair or make up. Anyone who would call me that isn't worth considering.

Eh, I don't know. To me, it means something you want to show off.  I guess I don't overthink it. 

 

But I suppose it also has the connotation of ditching the original and replacing her with a younger, attractive model.  That's not cool, but I'm the original, so I guess it wouldn't bother me. 

[bolt.]

I think I'd be flattered to be called (in joking) a "trophy wife" -- similarly to being called a "good catch" or something similar.

 

I don't think it implies anything about her mooching, flirting, or dressing suggestively.

 

If anything, it implies that the DH is a womanizer, married to someone too young for him. Or maybe that he was low-class wealthy, and 'bought in' to a high-class family by marriage.

 

I suppose it might also imply stupidity (a pretty airhead)? But I don't think your friend is likely to be seen that way, or talked about that way by someone who liked her, and knows and likes her DH.

[Farrar]

I would understand that it was meant in a flattering way and not be angry about it exactly, but I would feel objectified and like my work was devalued. Actually, I wouldn't be angry about it toward the commenter - it would lessen my opinion of him, that's for sure - I would be annoyed with dh if he thought he could tell me that and make me feel flattered. But that's between her and her dh... different marriages have different understandings. I can't imagine dh would think I'd like this comment or tell it to me offhandedly like that.

 

No way do comments where people are trying to objectify or devalue me change how I dress or act.

[FaithManor]

I wouldn't take it as flattering given that it refers to a woman as "worthy" based solely on looks and youth which is immature and superficial.

 

Now that said, I was called a trophy wife one time by a colleague of dh's (and believe me, I am not thin with some gorgeous figure and look like a middle aged woman), but the reference was that we were at dh's place of work with our 4-H rocket team to complete an organic battery project with 105 students there for Take Your Child To Work Day, and also so the team could practice their engineering presentation in front of a bunch of GM automotive and IT engineers. The context was that dh had told his colleague how hard I work with 4-H in STEM, and the man was watching me interacting with the kids and was impressed at my abilities. I knew the context. Dh knew the context. This is a man who values not looks and superficial qualities, but more character type things, and is a huge fan of volunteerism. So I took it as a compliment. That said, he could have chosen a different phrase for paying dh that compliment about me. Some people just do not stop to think about these things.

[Guest]

I'd laugh, agree with that complimentary assessment and take my husband's word for it that the other man was not being derogatory or lewd.

 

ETA--I did not vote. I wouldn't be flattered or offended.

[Greta]

I hate that term. Definitely not flattering. It implies "disposable" to me - you only value a trophy until you earn a better one.

[Guest]

I hate that term. Definitely not flattering. It implies "disposable" to me - you only value a trophy until you earn a better one.

 

Yes but it's the husband's "value call" that actually matters. Not the acquaintance-man's.

 

I really think it's just another way to say "your wife is pretty."

 

I GET, totally, that some people think it's never OK or appropriate to comment on anyone's looks, but I am clearly not one of those people. I love to give compliments!

 

I love to get them, too :laugh: :laugh: 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I didn't vote because I didn't think any of the choices fit my response.  I guess "flattered" is not really the word I would use here.  If her hubby thinks is was just complimentary without any undertones ("hey dude with the hot wife" not "hey dude, you wife is just there for looks and status and stays home to be one of those ladies who lunch") then I would just take it as an awkwardly worded compliment and let it go. 

[yucabird]

I would think that the colleague was trying to be flattering but doesn't understand how most people use the term.

 

To me, trophy wife connotes a (embarassingly) young ("He's old enough to be her father", sort of thing, a match where you NOTICE the age difference (AND -- most likely -- maturity or education difference)).  To me, it sounds like she should keep doing she is doing (and forget her husband's ignorant colleague)! 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree about the husband.  What was the context in which he told his wife?  Was he disgusted at his coworker's sexist attitude?  Then great.  Was he seeing this as a compliment to the wife?  Uh. . . .  I think I would help him to reframe it in a different way using different words.  

[Mimm]

Yes but it's the husband's "value call" that actually matters. Not the acquaintance-man's.

 

I really think it's just another way to say "your wife is pretty."

 

I GET, totally, that some people think it's never OK or appropriate to comment on anyone's looks, but I am clearly not one of those people. I love to give compliments!

 

I love to get them, too :laugh: :laugh:

 

There are much nicer ways of complimenting someone's looks. "Your wife is beautiful. You're a lucky man." This is still a comment on her looks without implying anything negative about her.

[Southern Ivy]

I have always seen Trophy Wife used with negative connotations and usually a much younger, 2nd wife who only has her hotness to get her through life.
So, no, I wouldn't be flattered, but I wouldn't be offended. I'd just think they didn't have much class. But then, I also hate the whole "You married up" statement.  

[Sun]

Wait lol who said it -- male or female? And does that change how we hear it? I thought a female said it.

 

You know, I didn't think to ask! I just assumed it was a man, but maybe it wasn't. I'll ask her and see if she knows. Since G doesn't work and is (IMO) a bit sensitive about that, I'm not sure a female colleague saying it would make it better, in her opinion!

[TranquilMind]

Yes but it's the husband's "value call" that actually matters. Not the acquaintance-man's.

 

I really think it's just another way to say "your wife is pretty."

 

I GET, totally, that some people think it's never OK or appropriate to comment on anyone's looks, but I am clearly not one of those people. I love to give compliments!

 

I love to get them, too :laugh: :laugh:

You are very pretty.  I just love that blue in your avatar.   ;)

[Greta]

Yes but it's the husband's "value call" that actually matters. Not the acquaintance-man's.

 

I really think it's just another way to say "your wife is pretty."

 

I GET, totally, that some people think it's never OK or appropriate to comment on anyone's looks, but I am clearly not one of those people. I love to give compliments!

 

I love to get them, too :laugh: :laugh:

Oh, it's not that I object to complimenting someone's appearance. I think it would have been perfectly nice if the acquaintance had said that she was pretty, lovely, beautiful, etc. But if the goal is to *complement* then don't use a loaded, icky, sexist term like "trophy wife"! Use, you know, an actual compliment. :lol:

[Sun]

I voted more uncomfortable than flattered, but would have picked a 50/50 option.  I am very self-conscious about my 14+ year sahm-dom and what some opinions of that probably are.  On the other hand, I'm rather self-conscious about my looks and would probably get a little thrill out of it despite my firm belief that people shouldn't talk about women (or men, really) like that.

 

I think this is a lot of what G is thinking. She is a little self conscious of not working while the kids are teenagers, and I understand that since it describes me too (not working outside the home). I think some of her discomfort stems from feeling on some level that she should be doing something else, though I get the sense that she and her husband are both pretty happy overall with the status quo.

 

[Sun]

I would not consider the comment "trophy wife" flattering because it implies that looks is all the woman has going for her.

A different word choice would/should be used to convey the fact that she is attractive - nothing offensive about that.

 

Yes, I agree. The word choice was definitely not ideal! I do think that's part of what she's feeling.

[Guest]

You are very pretty.  I just love that blue in your avatar.   ;)

 

It really accentuates my mesoglea* dontyathink?

 

*I had to ask my 6 year old to name of a jellyfish body part :laugh:

[Sun]

Around here, "trophy wife" is a decidedly unflattering  term -- a direct smear at the wife (with connotations that she's a gold-digger) and an indirect swipe at the values of the husband (with the suggestion that he can, and likely will, trade her in as soon as any signs of age begin to emerge).

 

It may well be regional, however.

 

Hmm. I don't know if it has that connotation completely around here. It certainly can have that connotation, particularly the trading-in-for-a-younger-model part, but I have also heard it used equally as much as a kind of joking comment (especially among other SAHMs, about themselves). It probably depends on the intentions of the person saying it, and I'm getting this all third hand, so at best we can guess!