What's appropriate funeral attire these days?

[Farrar]

Last week was dh's grandmother's memorial service (she actually passed away a couple of months before - cremated, delayed service for family reasons). We all traveled a good ways to be there. It was mostly lovely with lots of memories shared, poems read, etc. (Though, side rant... if you're the minister and you've got a room full of lapsed Catholics and Unitarians, using a memorial service to try to push "wives must submit to their husbands" is really not bringing anyone back into any kind of fold... you're just reminding everyone why they're not Christian anymore.)

 

But here's my question. Dh wore a suit. We're a very casual family, but he was nervous that the kids look nice (mostly just because he was speaking and they were going to stand up as well at one point). I made them wear button shirts, dress shoes, dark pants, etc. I wore my lbd (aka, the little black dress). But everyone else in the family wore very casual attire. Casual nice, but very casual. Mil had on the exact same thing she always wears - white pants and a sort of sleeveless t-shirt blouse thing. Bil was in shorts and a polo. In fact, both our nephews were also in shorts and polos. Fil (it was his mother) was the only one dressed anything close to formal - he was in a jacket, dress pants and dress shirt. Not a suit, no tie, but dressy and somber colors. Everyone else was in pastels and white. I was really surprised - in part because part of the plan for the day was space and time for us to change after the service. I don't know why you need to change into different shorts and a t-shirt if you're just in shorts and a polo shirt, but bil and sil's kids did.

 

Dh was sort of offended. He's over it, but he said to me, "We're not overdressed, they're underdressed." He said it was really dishonorable to his grandmother not to have bothered to properly dress up.

 

What say the hive? Is this just how funerals are these days? Does it make a difference that it was a "memorial service" - it's not like there was another funeral - this was the only commemoration of her life. Is it different for friends and attendees versus for close family?

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've gone to funerals in jeans and I've gone a bit more dressed up.  Whatever my mood is really.  I give people a pass at funerals.  It's hard enough as it is without worrying about what people are wearing.

 

And I would have been pretty annoyed at the "wives must submit" crap.

 

 

[Starr]

People here would mostly agree with your husband.

[ErinE]

Every funeral I've attended, even with a casual family, everyone dressed up. Kids wore dark dresses or slacks and darker dress shirts. The adults wore suits or dresses.

 

ETA: Separate memorial services are more casual. One memorial was held in Hawaii so people really dressed down.

[JustEm]

I've always been of the mindset that as long as you aren't wearing stained or ripped clothes your fine. well no jeans either and nothing too revealing. So what they all wore is in the range of what I would say is fine. Maybe not shorts though. Never really thought anyone would wear shorts to a memorial service. But khaki pants and a polo would be fine in my book. And color doesn't matter at all in my mind.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wore white to my mother's funeral.  I was feeling freaky...LOL

 

She would have laughed about that one.  I'm always pushing buttons.

 

 

[ktgrok]

I think shorts and a polo for young kids is fine, that's church attire for a kid around here. For an adult? Depends...if that's the nicest thing they own and they don't have the disposable income to get something nicer, fine. Glad they showed up. If they normally wear nicer clothes during the work week but dressed down for the funeral? That would bug me. 

[El...]

I don't care what people wore; I care that they came.

 

That said, unless you are the grieving party and really need to just be comfortable (read: basket case, everybody just give a hug), I think a little dressing up is appropriate.  I wouldn't wear casual clothes myself. 

 

Your husband sounds like mine.  He's "old school".

[Farrar]

Your husband sounds like mine.  He's "old school".

 

You know, it's so funny - he's not usually like that. I think it was just the stress and difficulty of the situation. It's a funeral - funerals are hard and sad. And family, even loving, wonderful family, can also be stressful.

[Sherry in OH]

Usually close family dresses a bit more formally.  Most other people wear what they would wear to church/other religious service.  Young boys often wear shorts.  Tweens, Teens and adult men usually wear dress pants or khakis.

 

But, I have been to a memorial service where the deceased specifically requested that people wear casual and colorful clothing.  

[Farrar]

I have no real dog in this fight emotionally, by the way. If dh hadn't been concerned that we be dressy, I probably would have worn a slightly more casual but still dressy dress and let the kids be in short sleeve button shirts, though I probably still would have brought their dress shoes because it's not like I'd let them wear sandals and if I'm going to haul two extra pairs of shoes to New England, then I may as well bring the dress shoes. I was surprised by how casual the rest of the family were, but not offended or anything and dh is over it so it's not like it's causing issues. I did feel a little funny with only my family in our real formal clothes, but we had them anyway (ah, the benefits of theater... always have a variety of clothes for all occasions) and weren't uncomfortable or anything.

 

I think maybe I assume that family should be dressier than attendees. All the attendees (very few - church people, some neighbors, and my in-laws' good lifelong friends who live not far away) were similarly dressed - casual nice - and that didn't occur to me to question.

 

The last funeral I attended was my step-father's. Some people were in casual nice, but most people were in much dressier clothes. But there were a ton of people at that funeral. Maybe it's a southern vs. northern thing.

 

[Guest]

I wouldn't wear ratty old clothes that I work in the garden with, but I don't dress in my nicest, darkest clothes either. I have usually been to funerals of people that want their funeral to be a celebration of their life, not a day of grief. My Gpa, for example, told us he would come back to haunt us if we 1)Dressed him in anything other than his jeans and button up flannel, and 2) Came to his funeral in dark clothes. :) He wanted us to remember the good things, and wanted happy colors to celebrate all the good times we had with him.

[Ellie]

I think it's appropriate to dress more formally for a funeral/memorial service. That many people seem to be totally unaware of it is irrelevant.

[QueenCat]

Unless there is a reason, like mentioned above about the wild shoes or something, people should dress as formally as they can. Shorts above the age of about 4 is not respectful to me.

[lllll]

nm

[FaithManor]

I favor a clean, neat appearance and not a fan of jeans and tees for such events. However, some memorial services are very, very laid back affairs and people are definitely encouraged to just "come and be". That is A okay. What I don't like is blatant disregard and well, since I'm a pianist and do a lot of local funerals free, I've seen a lot. Blech...my least favorite funeral attire - the granddaughter who couldn't be bothered to leave the beach long enough to change and tossed a loose blazer over her bikini top and short shorts with high heels and still glistening from tanning oil, and the local farmer who came straight from the barn in chore clothes not bothering to change out of his mucking out boots thereby tracking nice, smelly, mess all over the church carpet. I think that dirty overalls and mucking out boots is just a little too casual. He is a deacon of a local church and definitely has clean clothes. I am not talking about a person living in poverty here.

 

I try not to be judgy, but those last two were just too over the top.

 

Oh, wait....goth teenagers should probably be forewarned that while black clothing is perfectly appropriate, possibly lightening up on the all black and white make up, the skull and cross bone jewelry, and other such accessories would be wise as it really is inappropriate to display such items to the bereaved. Seen that too. The sad thing is that I know some of the kids in this group, and they are really kind hearted students. I honestly think that if someone had given them a gentle heads up before their school mate's funeral, they would have toned it down a bunch.

[ktgrok]

Unless there is a reason, like mentioned above about the wild shoes or something, people should dress as formally as they can. Shorts above the age of about 4 is not respectful to me.

 

This probably varies by the culture. In South Florida growing up boys up until I'd say puberty maybe, wore nice khaki shorts to church. Heck, at my parish now I'd say half the men are in dress shorts (khaki ones) and a polo or short sleeved button down shirt. Might be the weather? I'm thankful, because keeping my oldest in long pants was incredibly difficult. He'd out grow them so fast, and given the weather there was hardly any call to wear them. He'd wear them twice and then outgrow them. 

 

But, if the norm is dress pants to church, then that level would be what we wore to a funeral. Here, I think men tend to wear khakis and a button down shirt, sometimes a tie, sometimes not,  for funerals and weddings. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm pretty old school.  Only the family dresses all in black.  If I'm not family I might wear a black skirt, but then wouldn't wear a black jacket--a deep top instead or a woven blazer in muted colors.

I think it honors the family to dress respectfully and to dress a bit more formally than everyday.  It says that you understand that this is a momentous occasion for them.

[Ellie]

 (Though, side rant... if you're the minister and you've got a room full of lapsed Catholics and Unitarians, using a memorial service to try to push "wives must submit to their husbands" is really not bringing anyone back into any kind of fold... you're just reminding everyone why they're not Christian anymore.)

 

 

Wait...what?!!! No he did not!!!! :svengo:

[QueenCat]

This probably varies by the culture. In South Florida growing up boys up until I'd say puberty maybe, wore nice khaki shorts to church. Heck, at my parish now I'd say half the men are in dress shorts (khaki ones) and a polo or short sleeved button down shirt. Might be the weather? I'm thankful, because keeping my oldest in long pants was incredibly difficult. He'd out grow them so fast, and given the weather there was hardly any call to wear them. He'd wear them twice and then outgrow them. 

 

But, if the norm is dress pants to church, then that level would be what we wore to a funeral. Here, I think men tend to wear khakis and a button down shirt, sometimes a tie, sometimes not,  for funerals and weddings. 

 

Regular church, I'd be fine with the nice shorts. That's common here too. But not to a funeral. Unless they truly cannot afford or borrow anything else, I think it's disrespectful to show up in shorts past preschool age at a funeral. Polo or button down without tie is fine for the older child.

[Guest]

If they'd wear it to church or court, I say it's sufficient for a funeral. I had one last weekend and wore nice jeans, a silk top, boots. It wasn't super dressy but it was clean and classy enough.

[ktgrok]

Regular church, I'd be fine with the nice shorts. That's common here too. But not to a funeral. Unless they truly cannot afford or borrow anything else, I think it's disrespectful to show up in shorts past preschool age at a funeral. Polo or button down without tie is fine for the older child.

 What I meant was, a lot of kids wouldn't have any long dress pants, around here except in the winter. It's not worth buying them if they don't need them for church, and it's too hot to wear them normally. They'd outgrow them before they'd get worn most of the time. So some parents might go buy a pair of pants for the kids for a funeral, but chances are a 6 year old in South Florida doesn't have any in their drawer. So I think it makes it more common and maybe more acceptable. But grown men would still own dress pants, and they aren't outgrowing them from one winter to another, so no excuse there. Hope that makes sense. (full disclosure, none of my children currently has a pair of long pants that fits them. I'll buy some in November when it cools off.)

[QueenCat]

 What I meant was, a lot of kids wouldn't have any long dress pants, around here except in the winter. It's not worth buying them if they don't need them for church, and it's too hot to wear them normally. They'd outgrow them before they'd get worn most of the time. So some parents might go buy a pair of pants for the kids for a funeral, but chances are a 6 year old in South Florida doesn't have any in their drawer. So I think it makes it more common and maybe more acceptable. But grown men would still own dress pants, and they aren't outgrowing them from one winter to another, so no excuse there. Hope that makes sense. (full disclosure, none of my children currently has a pair of long pants that fits them. I'll buy some in November when it cools off.)

 

It does make sense.......... but like you, no excuse for a grown man.

[KungFuPanda]

I would dress conservatively in black slacks, dress shoes, and a button down blouse. Depending upon the church, I might wear a skirt instead. Then I'd cover it with a sweater because funerals are always freezing cold. I do this because it's how I was raised. I do however recognize the futility of 'looking nice' when your just going to be crying and wiping your nose. Nobody looks good like that anyway. Also, taking little kids shopping for 'appropriate' clothing while you're mourning seems like a superficial waste. For adults, it's easy enough to have an funeral attire on hand, but kids grow so fast that it's impractical.

 

Growing up we had "church clothes" so we always had something that was ok for a funeral. My children were not raised in a denomination where your clothing mattered.

[prairiegirl]

We will be attending a family funeral on Saturday and just got back from clothes shopping.  My husband will be wearing black jeans and a light blue button down jeans, my 14 yr. old ds will be wearing jeans and a short sleeve button down shirt--it's black.  My girls will be wearing black dresses and I will be wearing a navy skirt and top.  We are going casual but it is respectful casual.  This seems to be  how they do it here.

 

[LucyStoner]

I'm guess I am old fashioned about this too. I tend to stick to muted, dark colors if not all black and definitely no jeans or shorts. The one exception was the funeral of a very, very colorful person (by way of illustrating this point, he once showed up for a fundraising breakfast in a purple suit and matching top hat) and my navy dress I had in mind to wear needed to be washed and ironed and my hot pink swing style dress was ready to wear. I paired it with a black cardigan and black shoes but everyone thought the hot pink was a fitting tribute to the deceased man. His own sister was wearing a bright blouse with her impeccable darker suit. At my grandmother's funeral we all were asked to wear some green. I wore a silk blouse that had green and black design on a cream background with a black skirt suit. Most of the men wore green ties or green shirts and the women were in the same vein as I was for the most part.

 

I guess I don't really care what other people wear to funerals but that doesn't mean my kids would wear shorts or tees or jeans. My older son has a pair of very nice black dress slacks and a few button down shirts and 2 ties. My younget son has a pair of very nice grey dress slacks and a couple of button downs and 1 tie. They both have some nicer sweaters. That's the go to for any dressing up. All of that was acquired, like 90% of their clothing, used. Thrift stores, consignment sales, garage sales, etc.

 

I am pretty casual but I don't really get the trend in pretty well off middle class families of not having at least something to dress up in. I totally understand it if it is an economic or severe sensory thing but for a lot of people it is not, it's an issue of their comfort.

[catz]

Does it honor the deceased to get bent out of shape about what someone else wore to a funeral?  I doubt it.  It wouldn't bother me at all.  My father died in April.  I was grateful for anyone who stopped by to pay their respects and more grateful for my mom and brother who were there for the long haul.  I can't even tell you what they wore that day. 

[Loowit]

I live in a fairly casual area but it seems like most people dress a bit more formally for a funeral.  Church clothing is not a good measure IME because around here a lot of churches are very casual have people show up in just about anything.

 

At my grandmother's service a few years ago most of the great-granddaughters wore their Easter dresses which were bright colors with lots of bling.  At first it seemed a bit surprising and strange, but then I though about how much my grandmother would have liked to see them in their pretty dresses.  My children wore their nicest clothes that they had.  We don't have dress clothing or shoes, nor did we have money at the time to go out and buy something they would only wear once and outgrow before they might need it again.  My boys wore nice jeans and sweaters, and I can't remember what DD wore, probably one of her old Christmas dresses.  Funerals are times with high emotions and I tend to not worry too much what other people are doing.

[gardenmom5]

I agree with your dh.  your family wasn't overdressed - the rest were underdressed.

 

part of the problem of dropping dress standards for different occasions and locations - is some people's standard dress is all they know how to do.

I have more sympathy for the younger generation (even the 20somethings) as their parents probably never taught them anything else. (and they could have been just as uncomfortable realizing they were underdressed.)

[Guest]

Ds would wear jeans and a nice shirt, because we don't own dress pants, and I do not have the money to pay for a pair to be worn for an hour or two. In summer he would wear good shorts and a nice shirt. And yep, probably sandals, see above.

 

Respect is in the attitude. A 12 year old in shorts who sits quietly and attentively through a service, who hugs the bereaved and provides the comfort children often bring at funerals...who cares what he's wearing ?

 

I mean, really. Priorities.

 

Amen. It reminds me of the sermon our pastor did about church rules versus God's rules. One of the things that he talked about was how he felt fake dressing up every Sunday, when he wasn't comfortable in a tie and slacks. He had always felt like he HAD to, because the rule was always that you wear your best in church. He riled some feathers in some of the older people in church, because they were very definite on dressing up. The next week, he came to church in a nice pair of jeans, a button up shirt and some casual dress shoes. Funny...his sermons were just as heartfelt and well recieved as they were the week before when he was dressed up. After that day, he always did the jeans and button up thing every Sunday. It didn't change his message, and the attendance and church have continued to grow. There are several pastors in the area that criticize him for it. Those same churches are the ones not stepping up and making a difference in the community. His attire changed, but his attitude did not. Because he is more comfortable now every Sunday, he makes everyone feel like he is more genuine.

[gardenmom5]

Unless there is a reason, like mentioned above about the wild shoes or something, people should dress as formally as they can. Shorts above the age of about 4 is not respectful to me.

 

um, no.  there are different degree's of formality.  white tie (the most formal - which is ballgowns ) and black tie (long - now straight skirted - formal dresses for women) would have been just as inappropriate. I have 'black-tie' level dresses in my closet, and I just purchased a dress for my dd's wedding - I would never wear it to a funeral. it's *too* formal.

 

back when most people attended church services regularly - there was a dress level called "sunday best".  that was what people wore to funerals.  

[Matryoshka]

I have no idea.  I'm always stressed when I have to go to a funeral.  No one dresses any one particular way anymore.  I have a lot of black.  It would be easiest to wear a black dress.  But apparently that's 'out' and I could look stodgy or uptight or not 'celebrating the person's life' enough or something.  But I don't want anything to casual or bright either.  Gah.

 

Personally, I long for the days when it was customary to just wear black.  Nice and easy, everyone agrees.  The last thing I want to do when I'm grieving, or attending a funeral where friends are grieving, is have to over-analyze and stress about my wardrobe, for cripes's sake!  What the heck was wrong with black??  :rant:

[PeacefulChaos]

I think this really depends on each family. And honestly, I base what I want my kids/family to wear on what I personally like. (Disclaimer: I don't pick their clothes for them, but they do have to get my okay after they pick what they want. Except dh obviously... Though he still ends up asking lol )

Last year, my moms memorial was dressy casual. I wore a dress (which was the only thing I could find last minute, and I didn't like it and haven't worn it since! Oh well...), dh wore a button up and khakis, the boys wore khakis (bought specifically before we went - they looked great- and had grown out of them 4 months later! Again...oh well) and polos or short sleeve button ups, and Pink wore a dress of her choosing.

My grandparents actually went pretty laid back for this - my grandpa wasn't even wearing a tie (which for him is really unusual!!)

 

Then early in the September we had another funeral, this time for dh's grandfather. It was quite warm out, but we dressed up more. Dh did black pants, shirt and tie; the boys both wanted to do blazers - Link wore khakis, a button up, and a blazer, and Astro did these red chinos, a white v neck tee, and a blazer with converse - he looked SO awesome lol. Pink wore a black frilly dress and I wore a dressier dress than I had for my moms. It was a winter dress so it was warm at the graveside, too, lol...

 

So anyway, yeah. I don't really pay close attention to what everyone else wears, but at both of those, the other family in attendance was dressed pretty similarly to us.

 

Either way I don't think how our family dresses matters to anyone. I don't look at what others wear. I think it's mostly about wearing what you (and by extension, your family) feel is best. It's a personal decision, IMO.

[Crimson Wife]

I usually see people in dark colors at funerals. My maternal grandmother wore all-white to my grandfather's funeral but she said that white is the Chinese color of mourning. No, she wasn't Chinese but she was in her 80's so if she wanted to follow the Chinese custom, nobody was going to argue with that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I have a navy sheath dress wtih jacket that I usually wear to funerals. Without the jacket in warm weather and with the jacket in cool weather. DH wears a suit. DS wears a button-down shirt in cool weather and a nice polo in warm weather, both with dress pants. The girls have worn dark dresses in the past, though I'd be fine with my oldest wearing dressy black pants and dark blouse if she preferred. Pants vs. a skirt/dress doesn't matter in the churches we visit.

[lmrich]

We made our kids dress up for their great-grandmother's funeral. We are the out-of-towners and we did look different.  But dh's grandmother was a classy lady who always dressed up for church. I thought it was a way to honor her. When the other great-grandmother died a year earlier, my kids dressed down a little; she was more casual and her chuch was very casual. Pall bearers and all speakers wore suits. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

  What the heck was wrong with black??  :rant:

 

Nothing, unless you're wearing something more appropriate for a nightclub than a funeral.

[waa510]

The last funeral I attended was a couple years ago but everyone was dressed formally. It was the one week in CT when it's legitimately hot too! I agree with your Dh and would have been a bit put-off if everyone was wearing shorts and polos. My grandfather's funeral wasn't elaborate or anything, but I think having people treat it like a get-together with extended family by wearing whatever would have really upset me at an already fragile time. Now, my grandfather wouldn't have given a rip what anyone wore. He was the sweetest, most loving man ever in his old age. I also had the not-so-lovely pleasure of listening to the Catholic priest rail on us for crying and being distraught as grandfather was obviously in a better place now, so we should all be very joyful.  :glare:  Even if those are your beliefs, be serious, dude. Really?! Definitely had that glad-I-left-this moment. I digress...

 

As far as I know, wearing formal attire is still a thing for funerals. I wore a slim black dress. It falls to the knee and is very conservative. 

[Orthodox6]

Conservative cuts/designs. Black or navy. Dressing to show respect or honor for the deceased person. Funerals are for the dead. Always puzzles me to hear/read a modern reversal of the concept.

[Guest]

If I were going, I would be dressed in a black dress, or a dark skirt, though I might wear a white blouse with the skirt. I have worn that to funerals before. I would anticipate men to wear a dress shirt and slacks at minimum; feeling that a tie and jacket is preferred.

 

At my sister's memorial service, her best childhood friend spoke and was wearing a floral maxi-dress with no sleeves. I could see her thong unders through the material. That made me rather disgusted. She always was a sexy playboy-type, but that was in awfully poor taste.

[Guest]

Some of it depends on whether it is a funeral/memorial service or a "celebration of life" gathering. The former, more formal.

 

I think two other clues count: location and time of year. If the funeral is Ina church, that's more formal than at a local elks lodge hall or outside in a garden. If you are going to a graveside service only, 75% of the year, the only thing that matters is your coat anyway.

 

I wore a long skirt/shirt/linen over-jacket to my dad's funeral. My sister wore black slacks and a dark silk decorated top. My dh wore a suit and my son wore a beautiful gray sport coat/tie/black slacks outfit. He was a reader and my dh gave the eulogy. If they had not been participants and if their dressing up had not meant so much to my mom, my dh still would have worn a suit but my son probably would have worn slacks, button-up shirt and tie, and that would have been fine. It was hot and it was in a crowded chapel.

[kitten18]

I think shorts and a polo for young kids is fine, that's church attire for a kid around here. For an adult? Depends...if that's the nicest thing they own and they don't have the disposable income to get something nicer, fine. Glad they showed up. If they normally wear nicer clothes during the work week but dressed down for the funeral? That would bug me.

I think that sums it up for me.

Wear your nicest clothes.

 

In my family that's a range of clothing.

For DH and one of my BILs that means a suit.

For my BIL the rancher, it was western cut dress pants and a sports jacket.

For my brothers that meant dark chinos and a button down shirt. Maybe ties, I can't remember.

 

The women all wear dark dresses or very nice slacks and a blouse.

[Farrar]

Ellie, I knew you would be on the side of more formality. :D I almost included that I did not wear hose. I was thinking about it though... until I saw what everyone else was wearing.

 

Wait...what?!!! No he did not!!!! :svengo:

 

It was tied into a story about the deceased that was clearly supposed to be light and funny, but it was clear that he meant it. Like, really meant it and wanted us all to hear that very important message about wives submitting to husbands. And this is not something the deceased, who was very involved in the church community, but also was not someone who really bought into that particular attitude, would have liked much at all. If she's up in heaven watching, I'm sure she was giving everyone an earful about it.

 

Afterward, I said to dh, "That minister sure was... interesting." And dh laughed and said, "Yeah, he was bit of a [insert name for a donkey here]."

 

[linders]

Depends (of course).

 

Funerals are for the living, in my mind, and whatever works for the family is fine. In the past year we've attended 3 funerals, 2 for young adults. For both of the latter, the families specifically requested bright, fun colors. For one of them, a swim coach, tie dye was preferred. The idea was that those colors, rather than somber formal wear, would best honor the young men. Knowing both of them, I'm sure they applauded!

[Farrar]

Ds would wear jeans and a nice shirt, because we don't own dress pants, and I do not have the money to pay for a pair to be worn for an hour or two. In summer he would wear good shorts and a nice shirt. And yep, probably sandals, see above.

 

Respect is in the attitude. A 12 year old in shorts who sits quietly and attentively through a service, who hugs the bereaved and provides the comfort children often bring at funerals...who cares what he's wearing ?

 

I mean, really. Priorities.

 

To be clear, in the end, we were all a happy family. I'm not upset with the in laws about it or anything. Everyone's attitude was respectful (even the youngest great-grandkid, who is only 4, was extra sweet and good during the service) and, like I said, once dh was done speaking, he clearly relaxed and wasn't even annoyed. He only even said that to me after I was like, gee, I feel overdressed when we were setting things up in the church hall. I think we were just surprised that everyone in his family was all on the same page about dress and we were on a totally different page (though perhaps this is just emblematic of our whole relationship...).

 

It's interesting to see that there's a huge range of views on this here. Maybe, like so many things in current life, there's just a huge range of different conceptions of what's right. There used to be a standard, but that standard has really shifted for some and not for others and everything in between, especially since so many people move around and have different backgrounds.

 

I'm typically the person who is more casual about formal affairs, so I'm a bit surprised at myself that I do feel like darker colors and dressier is "better" but that is what seems right to me.

[Matryoshka]

Nothing, unless you're wearing something more appropriate for a nightclub than a funeral.

 

LOL.  I am long past owning anything 'nightclub' worthy. :lol:

 

[G5052]

I've seen everything and in between.

 

I tend to dress well at funerals and ask my family to do the same. Sometimes that "fits" and sometimes it doesn't.  Frankly I don't care about what other people wear.

 

We went to a formal one in June for a very dear older friend of ours at the church where DH and I were married. It was blazing hot outside, and I did not require my oldest to wear a tie, but he had a long-sleeved dress shirt and pants. My daughter and I wore simple dresses. There were some suits there, but most of the men were dressed like my son and most of the women like my daughter and I. They had a luncheon and then the funeral.

 

At my own parents' funerals, I was overdressed, and I didn't care. I wore a maroon dress with a simple scarf. To me that was appropriate, and that was that. Some of the women wore pant suits, but most were in what I would call business casual. A few men wore suits, but not many. My beloved bachelor uncle wore a clean shirt and pants to those funeral, and for him, that was appropriate. I don't think he had owned a suit in years and years, and I told him not to worry about it. I was just glad that he was there.

 

 

[Garga]

For a funeral:

 

If it's someone close and you don't have black clothes, you should go buy some.  Unless you're so upset you can't get to the store.  Then just wear whatever.  But if you can pull yourself together, go out and buy black clothes.  If you must, you can wear a dark colored OR white shirt with black pants/skirt.  The biggest part of you (probably your legs) should be in black.

 

If you already have black clothes, wear them, even if you're not close to the person, but if you don't have black clothes, then wear the very nicest thing you have in the darkest color you have.  You aren't expected to buy something new--unless you can clearly afford to.  If you can easily afford some cheap pants and a dark shirt, then it's cheesy for you to be too uncaring to grab a new outfit before going to the funeral.

 

If you're under 21 you wear whatever you can find that's your nicest thing without having to buy something new.  You get a free pass because you're young.

 

Really, I feel that everyone should do their darnedest to find something black to wear.  It's our cultural sign of grief and loss.  To me (and obviously not to everyone and that's ok), to me, it's a sign that you are standing next to the family, sharing in their pain, trying to support them and acknowledge that it's a difficult time for them.

 

That's for a funeral that takes place within a few days/week of death.

 

For a memorial?  Months and months later?  When the grief is wearing off on people who aren't close to the person?  I don't know. I've never been to a memorial months after the death.  That really might be entirely different.  Maybe the family was actually dressed appropriately.  I don't know.  I still think that shorts is going too far.  I would wear "church clothes" even if they're in lighter colors.  And by "church clothes" I don't mean clothes you may wear to your casual church.  I mean traditional "church clothes" for a traditional church.  Clothes that are recognized as "church clothes."  Something you'd wear to a nice wedding.

[Farrar]

I had also never been to a memorial that was so much later. There was a memorial for my grandfather months later to scatter the remainder of his ashes on his mother's grave, but that was so different. This was held this way because none of us live near where she lived most of her life. She specifically wanted to have the funeral at the church she attended before she had to be moved to nursing care where the rest of the in laws live, in a totally different state. She agreed that there was "no rush" and that it was fine if we all convened at our earliest convenience. Maybe that sets the tone. Convenience.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'm LDS and culturally we dress up for Sunday and for events like funerals. Most of my funeral experience is LDS funerals (and my grandmother's JW funeral, where most came dressed up too). The black/muted colors thing isn't as emphasized. In fact, at the last one I attended, several of the family wore red because it was the deceased person's favorite color.

 

I personally get dressed up for funerals, but as per above, I have a whole wardrobe of "Sunday" attire so it's not a big deal. I can see where there might be instances where people can't afford/don't want to spend the money on dressy clothes that they might not use otherwise. I'll admit that it's often easy to spot non-LDS mourners because they aren't as dressed up, but it doesn't bother me.

[StaceyinLA]

I went to two funerals last week and saw a huge variation in what people were wearing. I'm of the mindset that you dress nicely to show respect. I'm also still that way about church and nice restaurants. Guess I'm just a little more traditional in those areas.