Ramdom question of the day: Were you afraid of your parent(s)?

[Farrar]

No. I mean, in individual moments, when I was a kid and knew I had messed up and was dreading the consequences. But not generally. I always knew they loved me no matter what.

[Plink]

No.  Never.  

 

I was afraid of getting in trouble when I disobeyed (getting grounded, removal of privileges) but I was never afraid of my parents.

[livetoread]

I was never afraid of my father physically, but I was afraid emotionally. I was an extremely sensitive kid, and he could be irritable. Whenever we interacted, I was a little tense because I wasn't sure when he was going to hurt my feelings.

 

We get along well now since he has become more of a softy in his old age and I've toughened up.

[KrissiK]

How is a fear of your parents different from being afraid of them? Not a snarky question; I am interested in the distinction you are making.

I guess I mean "fear" in the same sense as I "fear God". My parents were consistent, loving, met our physical and emotional needs (mostly our emotional needs, my mom is a bit distant emotionally, not that it really harmed me or anything, but I wish we could have been closer emotionally, but that's just her personality), and are good people. Not perfect parents, but good parents. But I never joked around with them or had a casual relationship with them. And that's not because I was afraid they would punish me or anything. I can count on one hand the amount of times I was spanked as a child. It's just.... that's not how I was raised.

[Catwoman]

No. Never. Not at all. I had amazingly great parents.

 

I'm so sad to read many of the posts here. :( But I will say that despite the sad and scary experiences some of you have had, I think it is great that you have been able to move past it and be different -- and better -- parents to your own children. I had a real advantage because I had good parents to try to emulate, or to ask for advice when I didn't know what to do. It must be so much harder to have to do it all on your own.

[Slache]

No. Never. Not at all. I had amazingly great parents.

 

I'm so sad to read many of the posts here. :( But I will say that despite the sad and scary experiences some of you have had, I think it is great that you have been able to move past it and be different -- and better -- parents to your own children. I had a real advantage because I had good parents to try to emulate, or to ask for advice when I didn't know what to do. It must be so much harder to have to do it all on your own.

Most people I know that didn't have good parents found themselves with substitutions, even if by accident. My mother didn't love me and my father was an addict, but I was very loved and grateful to have those people in my life. Two neighbors, several teachers, several of my friends moms, a police officer who came for every call even if he was off duty, and eventually a family that brought me home and showed me what a family is.

 

Eta: That family didn't even know me. The 12 year old boy new about my situation and convinced his parents to take me home. They agreed before we met.

[Minerva]

I was terrified of my dad even though never raised a hand against me and never yelled. He was just so intense, quiet and cold. As an adult I understand how much he loves me and how he did his best, but he was not cut out to be a single parent and every day was torture for both of us. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

No.  

[Guest]

Yes. I was afraid of my dad. I remember one time when my sister and I were agreeing with one another that dad was scary and my mother was horrified. She said something like, "Your father is the gentlest man alive! He would not hurt a fly!" And it is true that, though my parents believed in "the rod," my father never administered it, as far as I recall. But he didn't act connected with us girls; he acted like his job was to earn the bread and be left alone to watch TV. So most of the interactions with him, sadly, were those where he was telling us off about something - too loud, too messy, not respectful enough. Plus he's just plain physically imposing (or, he was then), at well over six foot. He didn't stoop or assume a less imposing stance when he was dealing with us, so I reckon it made him seem scary.

[SKL]

I'm wondering how common this is.

 

When I was caught doing something wrong, I was afraid of the punishment I'd likely get.  And when I was little and my mom was angry (she would scream, cuss, and was more likely to give a spank here and there when angry), I was scared.  But in general, no, I was not "afraid" of my parents.

 

Around age 7 I stopped being afraid of spankings.

 

I was never "abused."

[Word Nerd]

No. I respected that they meant what they said and that if I didn't do something they told me to do (or did do something I was told not to) there would be consequences, but I was not afraid of them.

[Guest]

Only one of the four, and it was more when I was in middle school and high school. I didn't fear that one so much as didn't feel loved, at all, so when the inevitable corrections came they always felt spurious and harsh because there wasn't relationship and care to soften them. I could get the exact same discipline or discussion from another parental unit and it felt completely different because we had a better overall relationship.

 

I always felt like a total inconvenience and disappointment to this particular parent. I worry deeply about doing the same to my own kids, however inadvertently.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I wasn't afraid of them.  I was always worried I wasn't living up to expectations.  

 

But at some point I didn't care either.  And I remember once telling my mom in college I was pretty sure I could make Dean's list even though I had 3 math classes that semester.  She told me to lower my expectations.  Yeah, mid high school I pretty much stopped caring what she thought and I started breaking the rules over and over.  I had no more interest in pleasing someone who thought so little of me.

 

My parents split when i was in 9th grade.  My mom moved away with her boyfriend and I went with.  I had to work a job, but I had no rules.  Mom was busy with her new man.  I wanted the freedom after growing up with so many rules.  I rarely saw my dad and he didn't make me come visit.  So no, I had no fear of him after the divorce.  He was scary when I was little, but never afraid of him in the sense of fear.  I didn't want to disappoint him though.  

[BigMamaBird]

I wasn't afraid of them, I was afraid of doing something wrong and getting in trouble or disappointing them.  It it wasn't really a cringing in fear sort of fear, more of a respecting authority type fear.  I loved my parents and was certain of their love for me, even when I was in trouble.

[countrygal]

I was afraid of my mom a lot. If I got sick, she'd yell that it was my fault for always being the sickly one. If I wanted a bra as a tween she would yell at me saying I don't need things like that. My period was inconvenient for her because then she had to stop to buy pads. She'd pull on my hair so hard because I wasn't holding still enough when she was brushing it. There were times when she said she hated me and wanted to kill me. I was a straight A student, held a job to pay for my own car and gas, never partied, yet not good enough. Never cared if I was hurting from a broken relationship of a friend or boy. Never cared to go to my games or complained my concerts interrupted the football game. Now she complains of how I raise my kids and how it's not fair her children are doing better than she ever did. I am still kinda am scared of her.... but I know how to walk around the boundaries so it works. However, I'm sad that I can't have a deep, meaningful relationship with her. I can't even imagine what that may be like. All my life everything I have done is never good enough and she always tells me how I could do things better. Funny thing is though, that she isn't a perfectionist AT ALL. She has a lot of NPD traits. I believe her mother is a full blown narcissist so I feel bad for her in that way. I think it damaged her. I try so hard not to be like her. How sad, to grow up saying you want to not be like your mom at all. Some days I want to write her a letter or tell her everything that has ever been hurtful but she wont understand. I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to be like her. I think she has her own little depressed world...

 

I have never been afraid of my dad. He's great and has always been there for me. He left my mom once us kids grew up cuz she was just as nasty to him. She still doesn't see how it could be anything she ever did.

[Wabi Sabi]

Absolutely.

You never knew what was going to set my mom off, when she would reach out and claw your arm or throw a fork that hits you in the eye, or come home late at night, pull you out of bed by your hair and start kicking and hitting and scratching you for something as innocuous as not folding the laundry correctly or even worse, for no discernible reason at all. 

My father never flew off the handle like my mother did, but he was just as harsh in his own way: the cool, calm, calculated way he'd get out the leather belt, have you pull down your pants, and bend over the bed. The way he'd make you write out "I will not read the newspaper before my mother" 1000 times because you read the newspaper and didn't put the sections back in the proper order, the way he would call you names and encourage much younger siblings to join in on the name calling and punish you even more harshly if you dared tell the younger siblings to stop. 

I don't have happy childhood memories, and as thus I've got this almost pathological drive to to to give my children idyllic, storybook childhoods. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

I don't have happy childhood memories, and as thus I've got this almost pathological drive to to to give my children idyllic, storybook childhoods. 

 

I can relate...that's hard to pull off though, so then I become disappointed with myself.

[luuknam]

Sometimes (though of my dad more often than of my mom), and sometimes of my wife as well (e.g., last night).

[Closeacademy]

No. I knew my parents loved me but they were not there for most of my childhood.  I was a latch-key kid who spent a lot of time alone with books.  My childhood was a lot like the ones found in books where the kid kind of grows up on their own, having adventures on their own, maybe seeing a parent or meeting an adult once in a while.  It's a good think I wasn't a bad kid and was a bit OCD because I kept myself out of trouble with the rules I set for myself.

[Tap]

No, not at all. I can not remember a single moment in time, that I was every afraid of my parents, even when I was little.

 

I am the baby of a large family.  My parents were completely finished raising kids long before I showed up.  The weren't horrible parents, they were just inattentive.  They would have had to have noticed I was there for me to be afraid of them.

[Mimm]

Yes, for different reasons. My mother, emotionally/verbally. My father, physically.

[katilac]

Yes. My parents were the type who thought physical pain was the best form of punishment. :(  For years after I left home the sound of a belt buckle rattling terrified me.

 

 

That reminds me of a funny/sad story. My cousin's kids were at the grandparents house, and they got silly and started running around and wouldn't stop. 

 

Grandpa got tired of chasing them around and threatened, "If y'all don't stop running, I swear I'm going to take off my belt!" 

 

They looked at him in complete puzzlement and asked, "How is taking off your belt going to stop us from running, Grandpa?" 

 

I'm glad to say that at least 80% of their generation (in our extended family) don't get that reference, while 100% of us in the "cousins" generation get it. 

[Kim in Appalachia]

No, and it makes me so sad that so many people are. It should not be that way. :(

[Sukale]

Never. I can remember not wanting to disappoint my parents. They were/are such good people, they always seamed to do all the right things. I wanted then, and still today to be the kind of person my mom is. She set the bar really high for me to reach now that I am a mom.  Growing up I thought everyone had parents like mine. I can remember being at a friends house when I was about 13 and her parents were yelling at each other. After things settled down I played sick and went home. I was scared of what would happen next.

[Joanne]

Heavens no!

[mamajag]

My mother? Never. My stepfather for many, many valid reasons.

[Guest]

My father yes. He was an alcoholic, and we could gauge how bad the night was going to be by how many beers were out of the 12 pack. I finally had the chance to tell him off when I was 18, and he acted like he was completely innocent. I can honestly only remember a couple of times that he actually called me, my brother or my mom by our names. We were usually referred to as little girl/boy, or any number of obscenities. 

 

What gets me now is that he is big in the motorcyle/poker run/bbq groups in TX. He constantly has people posting to his page telling him how sweet he is, how he is willing to do anything for anyone. I just want to message them and tell him what kind of person he really is to us. 

[teachermom2834]

Not physically afraid.  Never.  Not really afraid of punishment either.

 

I would say I was bullied by my siblings and my parents participated.  To this day I don't know why.  They are generally reasonable people.  I think maybe they just throught it was funny and didn't realize how it impacted me.

 

So, not fearful physically or of punishment but I would fear and dread when the picking started.  

[momacacia]

No. My mom was a great parent and has ended up being my closest friend next to DH. My dad never disciplined me and was in retrospect not very present after I was 11 or 12--which I think has ended up being a good thing. Before that age, he was a playmate before that and I wasn't much of a discipline problem before that anyway. It is sad he has grown increasingly NPD and we are no contact with him.

[momacacia]

No. My mom was a great parent and has ended up being my closest friend next to DH. My dad never disciplined me and was in retrospect not very present after I was 11 or 12--which I think has ended up being a good thing. Before that age, he was a playmate before that and I wasn't much of a discipline problem before that anyway. It is sad he has grown increasingly NPD and we are no contact with him.

[Lizzie in Ma]

My dad, yes, he had and still has an explosive temper.  We spent our whole lives trying not to piss him off.  It's funny, I will take him on now, I no longer fear him, in fact, there was an incident on our annual cookie day when he barked at my daughter because her iv pole was in his way and I went postal on him.

 

The most wonderful thing though, is that my children were not brought up this way.  We were at my parents for supper one evening, my Dad dropped a plate and we (my sisters, Mom and I) held our breath waiting for the explosion and then, all of a sudden, my youngest started a slow clap, like "nice one Grampy" and everyone laughed and I was so astounded that she could poke gentle fun of him and not be afraid.

[friscomom]

Never. My parents never used corporal punishment. My mom scolded me occasionally when I fought with my brother, I dont remember my dad ever raining his voice!

 I guess I am lucky that I had really nice parents and I have a very good relationship with them even now.

My only regret is that they are almost 9000 miles away, in India.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yes.  My dad had a violent temper and didn't shy away from physical punishment with belts and even a board.

 

My mom got furious at the drop of a hat, tried to choke me, and spit in my face, among many, many, many other things.

[AimeeM]

Yes. No. Maybe.

 

I was never afraid of my mother. She seems to remember that we had an ideal childhood, but frankly, I remember little from my early years... the years after that, I remember that she mostly left us to our own devices.

I didn't respect her either, though - she never set any boundaries, which made me feel less than important to her. 

 

I adored my father. I know now that he's always been an alcoholic, but we never knew it as children (or even teenagers) - he still worked, and worked hard, came home for dinner, played with us, coached our soccer teams, and tucked us in every night. It's my understanding that he drank after we were in bed. 

I was afraid of the foster children. That sounds terrible. I have many happy memories of the foster children who came into our home, and consider several to be my siblings (and they consider me and my sisters the same, and still call my parents "Mama L***" and "Papa R***"), but there were many incidents that did happen with some of the children, that made me resent that they were foster children... things that were of such severity that they still bring me to a shudder when I consider them, and that my parents still insisted on being the type of foster parents open to "therapeutic fostering" (which, back then, I think was code for "the worst of the worst" cases of abuse and neglect).

I understand why they did it (my father grew up on the streets, in and out of foster homes, group homes, etc), but it was still a frightening way to grow up much of the time.

 

My father was a disciplinarian, but he was also very affectionate, generous and kind. 

The only time I was actually scared of him was once... when he found a teenage foster child doing something terrible to my younger sister. There was a blizzard outside and he couldn't drive, so he marched the boy, in the middle of the blizzard, to the only local gas station open, called the cops and told them that if he didn't come get the boy he would leave him there. I remember the fury in my father's face and I am still so surprised that that's all he did.

 

I was scared of my stepmother and father TOGETHER. I still do not understand the relationship. They are so... unhealthy. I stayed with my father after the divorce, and I can remember far too many nights, when my stepsister and I noticed that stepmom was in one of her "moods", we would beeline to our bedrooms ASAP, to prepare for the inevitable blow-up. Dad never hit stepmom, but she had NO qualms about throwing things at him and hitting him... and just screaming terrible things, often dragging our (myself and my stepsister) names into the mix. There were nights that my father would leave with me and we'd stay the night at his office/shop or a hotel, but then we would worry all night about my stepsister. Dad and stepmom's relationship is no more healthy now than it was then. 

 

I was scared of screwing up, but only because there were never any taught or spoken boundaries, but we were expected to just "know better". It was scary in the sense that it was overwhelming and confusing to be punished (even if just grounded) when I never seemed to know what would get me *there*.

 

I was never physically afraid of my father, stepmother, or my mother, though. 

[SporkUK]

Yes.  Even over 12 years since I left home, I still get nightmares, I still sometimes stare at the light around a door at night like I've done for as long as I can remember thinking this would be the night, and still sometimes get surprised that I survived and lived to have a partner and kid and everything. I've moved over 3000 miles and an ocean away and I'm still scared of them showing up (especially as my father said while I was still in high school that if I left his church that they would support his "right" to take any kids I had) to the point we happily live on a major road 3/4 surrounded by businesses because we know there are 4+ cameras that cover our house as well as being quite convenient to have in walking distance. 

 

A while back my eldest in his sleep got his leg caught between his bed and the wall and he called out for us, we helped (he's on a top bunk so it was a team effort), and afterwards I was crying because I still clearly remember being 7 and laying with my leg caught between my big wood bed and the wall and not making a sound all night and being in agony but waking my parents up to help seemed like a more painful option. I still have issues from spending so long like that in survival mode and on edge that I cannot give my kids the ideal that I would like, but at least there was that to remind me how different they are living to how I did...