[steam rising] thanksgiving vent UPDATE #62

[gardenmom5]

vent warning:

 

I had hosted thanksgiving at my house every year for almost 25 years. (up to 30 people, china, silver, crystal, etc.) up until a few years ago when sil "begged me" to be allowed to host it because her fil wouldn't go anywhere except her house.

 

sil's house is twice as large as mine - so she has much more room, which is good as there are many more people to fit. and still has room to lounge and visit even with the table set up.

 

dh complained about the chaos, the cold food, the delays because other sil's food wasn't ready and the entire meal was held 30 minutes until her side dish was done, etc.  (so, what dh really wants is control.)

 

well - dh (without even talking to me first) mentioned to his sister's he was *thinking* about hosting this year, but wanted to talk to me first.  I did shoot it down.  (I even sent off an e-mail to sil asking questions - including her contention her fil won't go anywhere else. (his other children live out of state), and why it is simply not practical to have it here.  she never responded.) 1dd (who owns her own house) went after him about having it here.  the killer was I babysat sil's four grandkids last weekend.  (heh.) THAT convinced dh he did not want those kids in our house when their parents and grandparents don't watch them that closely -  and boy - do they need to be watched!

so - I thought it was resolved.

 

well, today, mil calls, and gives me the address of her cousin who lives locally, for us invite her to thanksgiving.  um, why isn't your dd sending an invitation when it is going to be at her house? [cue the :nopity:.]  mil promptly went into all the things sil has to do to make having thanksgiving a hardship . .  she does have mil living with her (she wants her there, and she get's paid for it too.)  she also has her fil currently staying with them as his home recently had a serious fire. he's helpful, and I happen to like him very much.

 

I personally think sil got a reality bites lesson in how much work it is to put on thanksgiving for this family and doesn't want to do it.  mil then suggested going out to eat thanksgiving dinner at some buffet style restaurant :ack2: to make it easier.

 

:rant: here's the part that frosts me the most.  :banghead: I have had times when I have been *seriously* ill - and thanksgiving was still at my house.  I had young kids at home while I was seriously ill - and it was still at my house.   I had absolutely *NOT ONE* iota of support or help from mil or sil on those occasions - they actually did things that made it even harder on me.  :cursing: Now, mil is whining about what a hardship it is for sil to host. (implying I should host it.)  um, no.  sil is healthy. sil has NO kids at home.  sil doesn't work - she even pays people to do her yard work. she rarely babysits her own grandkids.  I don't care whether I celebrate a holiday I've come to hate with dh's family or not.  :rant:

 

they really need an emotcon that has steam coming out of the ears.

[LucyStoner]

Do your own thing. See if your immediate family would like to do a smaller dinner at your DDs new house. Use the new house as an excuse to back out of the larger group meal.

 

If it does end up 30 people at your house, I say your DH is the cook this year!

[PrairieSong]

Wow, I'm so sorry. I completely understand why you don't want to host it. However, you can't force your SIL to do it either. They are probably thinking you will cave and do it again, but if you really don't want to then say NO. If SIL also refuses, is there anyone else who would host? If not, the alternatives I see are going to a restaurant (I wouldn't want to do that either!) or having Thanksgiving on your own with just your family.

 

It's too bad they aren't more helpful. When my dh's family got together for Thanksgiving (we don't anymore, just for Christmas since dh's parents are both gone) MIL did the turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. She also had pies. We all brought side dishes, and everyone brought snacks.

 

I don't suppose something like that could work with your family...could it? Could you assign certain people to make certain dishes, no matter where it's held?

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Family is SO complicated. It's exhausting.

[poppy]

Sounds like your MIL should host.  And your husband can help. Then the two of them can stop their whining about not having it handed to them!!

[gardenmom5]

what sil does is totally irrelevant. - it is NOT going to be at my house (unless it is *just* my own family.)  that's a given, and is not up for discussion.

 

eta: mil is 89, in a wheelchair and lives with sil.  oh - and even the dog wouldn't eat her cooking.  (and that is NOT an exaggeration.).  

 

 

dh has always done the main cooking (and everyone else is assigned side dishes/dessert to bring/prepare) - he loves to cook, he loves the control of the cooking - but there is a lot more work to thanksgiving than "just" the cooking.  honestly - I could have a cleaning crew before and after to set up and take down, and do everything I do and a caterer too - and I would not want it here.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

Don't feel obligated to have it at your house.  I'd go out before I'd do that.  Yeah, it's not as good as having a home-cooked meal but there's also a lot less aggravation. 

[Seasider]

You need hornblower's chart on when to give a ----. This is definitely a situation in which to hold your resolve and let the requests and complaints and whines and cajoles roll off your back. To tell yourself, "I really don't give a ----."

 

Just be sure you do what it takes to get your dh to stay on your "side."

 

I asked my dh yesterday if we should extend the Thanksgiving invite this year. Like you, I always do it with real service ware and prepare over 50% of the meal myself when I host. DH just looked at me and smiled.

 

"You do a terrific job," he said, "but we both know it takes you a week to recover. And you know there will be drama because there are people in our family who always stir it up. Can you really spare a week to get over it?"

 

I had to admit it. This is definitely not the year for me to host!

 

Aside from my own childhood, one of my favorite memories of Thanksgiving is from a year when we lived waaaaay far from any family. We gathered with friends, all in the same situation if being away from extended family. It was just the best. I would love to do that again.

[foxbridgeacademy]

My dad's family is large, there are around 60 of us (my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids) that we will often rent out a hall.  Everyone is assigned something to bring with the aunts/aunt-in-law being responsible for the majority.  I realize that this particular scenario may not work for you, but could you do something similar, at SIL's house?  If you (and others) lighten the load then she won't be overwhelmed?  Otherwise, I'd keep saying no.  You did it on your own and have happily passed the torch.  Just because you made it look easy to SIL and she's found out how much work it really is doesn't mean you have to be responsible again.  If DH gets insistent then let him do all the cooking/cleaning. 

[NorthwestMom]

You need hornblower's chart on when to give a ----. This is definitely a situation in which to hold your resolve and let the requests and complaints and whines and cajoles roll off your back. To tell yourself, "I really don't give a ----."

 

 

 

I really want to see Hornblower's chart. Link please???

[gardenmom5]

seriously - I don't care what happens.  it won't be at my house. end of discussion.  what they do is their problem, not mine.

 

I don't care whether I 'celebrate' (a holiday I've come to hate) with dh's family or not.

 

at the very least I will be with my own kids, and that is something I can enjoy.  (even if we eat take out Chinese.  with stuffing and pumpkin pie.  and dh's rolls. the items my kids want. and have pumpkin pie for breakfast on Friday.)  oh- and last year, his out-of-state niece was on the phone with him for three days trying to get her rolls to come out right.  she has a gas oven, and pyrex pans.  so, she got metal, and baked them at a neighbor's with an electric oven.  the neighbor offered to eat them for her.  :001_tt2:

[sbgrace]

 If you don't care whether you get together with them at all, why do you care if it's a buffet?

 

If a wonderful tasting immediate family meal is important to you, do that in addition. MIL will want the family together, and this is likely important to hubby and other people too. I'd prioritize relationships.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

. I'd prioritize relationships.

 

I'm prioritizing my marriage.  (and my own immediate family.  I only have two out of five kids who are willing to do thanksgiving with their cousins. and one is a small child, and the other is known for getting along with almost everyone.)

[Catwoman]

Stick to your guns!!!

 

(Can you tell I am totally on your side here? ;))

[gardenmom5]

I love you cat.  =D

Stick to your guns!!!

(Can you tell I am totally on your side here? ;))

 

mil was just being her usual aggravating self.  she excels at being aggravating. I think dn's wife is the ONY one who takes her seriously (mil's nuts.).  while she is very irritating - NOTHING she says can encourage me to do something I don't want to.  sil doesn't have the guts to discuss this with me.  (and I don't expect that to change.)  so, I expect this should be a dead subject.  (though mil whining is always in the cards . . . . she just does.)

 

[idnib]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

These things are so difficult.

 

 

[Starr]

How do you really feel about this?  :D    :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PrairieSong]

You don't want to host. End of story. It sounds horrible, having to deal with crazy family PLUS hosting the whole thing. I wouldn't want to do it either under those circumstances. Have a nice dinner with your dh and your kids.

[displace]

Bummer :(

[Seasider]

I really want to see Hornblower's chart. Link please???

 

http://www.raptitude.com/2014/07/not-giving-a-shit/

 

Gardenmom, sounds like you have this mastered. 😉

[gardenmom5]

How do you really feel about this?   :D    :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

oh, you missed it from a few years back.  *that* was drama.  (and the last year I hosted.)

[gardenmom5]

The fact that you didn't cancel the event at your home in the past when you were seriously ill is probably actually what makes your MIL think you would do it while you're not ill.

 

I could have been in ICU - and they wouldn't have cared.  (two weeks after I was released from the hospital a previous time for my 2nd major surgery in six months - which they knew about - they still had expectations of ME throwing dh a birthday dinner.)  

 

and the fact we didnt' give details - because mil and sil are serious salacious gossips.  the family joke is: if you want the world to know, tell mil and sil.

 

eta: because sil's fil is currently staying with her - they are contending she can't host.  up until two weeks ago, he lived by himself in his own house. he only moved out because of a fire. he was not injured.  I speak from experience with them when I say it is *an excuse*, and far less than I have dealt with when we did host.  

[hornblower]

Oh the chart! The chart is a wondrous thing but I've been having some major problems with it the past few weeks & so I offer some amendments.

At each juncture, consider fortifying yourself with a comforting beverage or a comforting food. Or both. (why are gin vegan donuts not a thing???)

If you're getting sucked into someone's drama & you can't say "I don't give a ___ " because you actually do, because you love them no matter how batty they're driving you;  and the problem is that you can't really do anything about it no matter how much you want to, that's a tough place to be.

 

You want to "identify an action" but you can't because there is no action that will fix this. I'd get stuck in that loop & think this chart is useless!

Now I've identified some actions: sip your comforting beverage, eat your comforting food, or lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling until the feeling passes.
 

Or all 3.

Only down side is that I'm pretty sure I've eaten all my Sep-Dec calories in the past 2 weeks so this method might need tweaking.....


 

[Harriet Vane]

You don't have to host. Just say no.

 

Your sil doesn't have to host either. Just because her mil and fil are nice doesn't mean it's not a strain to live together. Just because you did it for decades doesn't mean someone else has to or has to do it the same way. Traditions become a crippling weight when they force people to do things that are hard to do.

 

I don't think anything productive or happy will come out of pointing fingers at each other, blaming and demanding slave labor.

 

The holiday is about enjoying each other and being thankful, right? It cannot possibly be that when you are all bowed under the weight of expectations for a certain presentation, or judgment and criticism for cold food or things that don't go smoothly.

 

No one wants to do a ton of work. So that means that all of you need to lower your expectations and find a way to enjoy the holiday without bullying each other to do a ton of work and then criticizing the effort after the fact.

 

A buffet could be a good option. Renting a hall is another good option, or having it catered somewhere (the rental hall or someone's house). Or you can choose to all go your separate ways.

 

The bottom line is to put people first. That means you and your family, and it also means the rest of the family. Find a way to celebrate in way that is actually a celebration.

[JFSinIL]

Skip the whole thing.

[NorthwestMom]

Oh the chart! The chart is a wondrous thing but I've been having some major problems with it the past few weeks & so I offer some amendments.

 

At each juncture, consider fortifying yourself with a comforting beverage or a comforting food. Or both. (why are gin vegan donuts not a thing???)

 

If you're getting sucked into someone's drama & you can't say "I don't give a ___ " because you actually do, because you love them no matter how batty they're driving you;  and the problem is that you can't really do anything about it no matter how much you want to, that's a tough place to be.

 

You want to "identify an action" but you can't because there is no action that will fix this. I'd get stuck in that loop & think this chart is useless!

 

Now I've identified some actions: sip your comforting beverage, eat your comforting food, or lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling until the feeling passes.

 

Or all 3.

 

Only down side is that I'm pretty sure I've eaten all my Sep-Dec calories in the past 2 weeks so this method might need tweaking.....

 

 

 

 

That is a fantastic chart, and I agree with your amendments.  Thank you!

[bolt.]

You haven't invited anyone to your home, so no one should expect to come. That's basic manners, and if your in-laws haven't learned it by now, it's well worth making it clear.

 

It's not your job to see that Thanksgiving happens some other way. Invitations are not teamwork.

 

If someone invites you (even to a buffet, or a plain-jane bird & pickles affair) I encourage you to accept, and try to enjoy if with as much grace as is required. If you are requested to make a reasonable contribution to someone else's event, probably do so.

[Garga]

For thanksgiving we have turkey or chicken breast, not a whole bird.

 

The biscuits are the kind that come out of a can. The mashed potatoes are the kind you buy premashed and microwave hot (Bob Evans, I think), the veggies are just one veggie and steamed on the stove. There might be kielbasa for the picky kids. The gravy is often homemade, but only because my MIL thinks it's easy to do.

 

Sure, it's not a fancy meal, but it's close to the traditional foods and it's EASY.

[Mrs Mungo]

You don't have to host. Just say no.

 

Your sil doesn't have to host either. Just because her mil and fil are nice doesn't mean it's not a strain to live together. Just because you did it for decades doesn't mean someone else has to or has to do it the same way. Traditions become a crippling weight when they force people to do things that are hard to do.

 

I don't think anything productive or happy will come out of pointing fingers at each other, blaming and demanding slave labor.

 

The holiday is about enjoying each other and being thankful, right? It cannot possibly be that when you are all bowed under the weight of expectations for a certain presentation, or judgment and criticism for cold food or things that don't go smoothly.

 

No one wants to do a ton of work. So that means that all of you need to lower your expectations and find a way to enjoy the holiday without bullying each other to do a ton of work and then criticizing the effort after the fact.

 

A buffet could be a good option. Renting a hall is another good option, or having it catered somewhere (the rental hall or someone's house). Or you can choose to all go your separate ways.

 

The bottom line is to put people first. That means you and your family, and it also means the rest of the family. Find a way to celebrate in way that is actually a celebration.

I agree. This is a whole bunch of unneeded drama. She doesn't have to step up and do it just because you did for years. That is an unfair expectation. If YOU want the whole special meal in someone's home, then you have to step up and just do it. If you don't want to do it, then it is time to adjust your expectations.

 

Last year as a Christmas gift, I sent my dad's extended family a whole Christmas dinner from Honeybaked Ham. They don't cook, but like traditions, so they were extremely happy and grateful. Honestly, it isn't really more expensive than buying the stuff and prepping it all yourself. You can get a honeybaked ham, turkey breast, potatoes, green beans and 2 desserts for $165.

 

Rent a place and order the dinner, done. It might be different than your tradition, but it will be fine and will take the pressure off of everyone.

[KungFuPanda]

A few years ago during major renovations, I got Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market. Changed My Life! I picked up the food that morning, filled 1 1/2 ovens reheating it, timed it so everything was done at the same time, and enjoyed that meal for lunch and dinner with my immediate family. It was heaven! I had time to nap, read, AND watch a movie. My kitchen stayed clean. We don't NEED the big family blowout EVERY year.

 

http://www.bostonmarket.com/pdfs/holiday/holidayOvenToTableMenu.pdf

[Mommyof4ks]

I would do Thanksgiving day with your immediate family and maybe get together on Saturday with the extended family just to have fun together without the food and expectations of everyone staying all day. We prioritize family, but we also love sanity. :)

[Katy]

We've gone to a hotel restaurant for 30ish years after something similar between my parent's generation.  It works great, and no one has to clean or do dishes while most of the family is in a food coma.

[aggieamy]

I've developed a serious hatred of Thanksgiving over the last few years so last year DH and I came up with a plan.  For Thanksgiving this year we are not inviting anyone except for DH's best friend (a single guy with not much family) and my aunt.  Then the six of us (aunt, best friend, DH, myself, two kids) are going to enjoy a great holiday dinner purchased at Whole Foods.  Then we're going to throw away our paper plates and packages and play board games until we're exhausted.

 

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving for the first time in years.  

 

Here's what we're not going to have:

- Days of prep work

- An expensive meal that I don't enjoy

- Me stressed out because my pie crust doesn't look right and the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes got too burnt

- DH stressed out because I'm stressed out and he loves me

- Relatives that show up to eat and don't contribute anything for the seventh year in a row

- Relatives who criticize DS's birth mother whom they never met  (Personally she's one of my top five favorite people in the world!!!)

- DH trying to keep me from getting into a fist fight

- Me crying in the bedroom 

- Two days worth of cleaning afterwards

 

Please feel free to invite who you want and order in whatever you want.  Mom's should get to enjoy the holidays too.  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

I was only venting about mil. (what else was shared was more "background") she's aggravating. she lives to tell people what to do - and will use manipulation to get her way.  she's been this way as long as I've known her (over 30 years.)  according to dh and his siblings, she's been this way as long as they've known her.  (over 60 years.)   mil being this way is just part of life - we can refuse to play her games - but she's still aggravating.

 

thanksgiving itselt is not the subject.   whether sil hosts or not is irrelevant. (she has the three years I have not.) I  honestly don't care.  last year it was just our immediate family.  I won't host dh's family - maybe sometime down the road - but not yet. I'm still recovering from the last 25 years.  end of disucssion.  sil wouldn't even discuss the subject with me when I attempted to ask her questions about logistics.  I have no concern she will even broach the subject with me. (though now she's been informed I'm not hosting - I do expect her to broach the subject with dh.)

 

there is *much more* history there than I have gone into (including confrontations) - and I'm not going to becasue it is also irrelevant - I'm not even considering hosting so there is nothing to weigh.  it only came up as a subject during a lunch between dh and his sisters and he was seriously considering hosting again. he said he told them he wanted to talk to me first. (but mil was told I was hosting (she could only have been told by sils) - so I have my suspicions sils considered dh saying he was thinking about it and wanted to talk to me as saying he'd do it.)

 

My own children are far more important to me than dh's family.  

[Harriet Vane]

I was only venting about mil. (what else was shared was more "background") she's aggravating. she lives to tell people what to do - and will use manipulation to get her way.  she's been this way as long as I've known her (over 30 years.)  according to dh and his siblings, she's been this way as long as they've known her.  (over 60 years.)   mil being this way is just part of life - we can refuse to play her games - but she's still aggravating.

 

thanksgiving itselt is not the subject.   whether sil hosts or not is irrelevant. (she has the three years I have not.) I  honestly don't care.  last year it was just our immediate family.  I won't host dh's family - maybe sometime down the road - but not yet. I'm still recovering from the last 25 years.  end of disucssion.  sil wouldn't even discuss the subject with me when I attempted to ask her questions about logistics.  I have no concern she will even broach the subject with me. (though now she's been informed I'm not hosting - I do expect her to broach the subject with dh.)

 

there is *much more* history there than I have gone into (including confrontations) - and I'm not going to becasue it is also irrelevant - I'm not even considering hosting so there is nothing to weigh.  it only came up as a subject during a lunch between dh and his sisters and he was seriously considering hosting again. he said he told them he wanted to talk to me first. (but mil was told I was hosting (she could only have been told by sils) - so I have my suspicions sils considered dh saying he was thinking about it and wanted to talk to me as saying he'd do it.)

 

My own children are far more important to me than dh's family.  

 

This sounds painful, and I am sorry your in-laws are this way. :grouphug:

 

FWIW, I too have family who don't know how to treat people right. I too decided to stop hosting people who couldn't seem to learn to treat me nicely. There were a couple years that I hosted but always, always made sure that my mother-in-law could come. My mil is the sweetest, kindest, chattiest, laughingest person ever. When she came to parties with my relatives, their behavior changed. Part of this was that they felt a need to behave in front of her (a stranger or an outsider, so to speak) and part was that she has a gift for putting people at ease and getting them to laugh. My mil changed the dynamic enough so that I was able to get through it.

 

However, there came a point where the ugly behavior had gone on long enough. I realized that no matter how good the food was (and I am a VERY good cook, if I do say so myself), they would still rant about it in some way. No matter how gracious I was to open my home, to laugh at all their jokes, to show interest in their lives, they were never, ever going to have any interest in my life or my kids. They would never learn to not be rude, though it wasn't just verbal rudeness. There was a LOT of self-centered behavior, and my role seemed to be alternately that of Cinderella or of scapegoat.

 

My husband and frankly, both of my kids, are appalled at the way my relatives treat me and didn't understand why on earth why I put up with it. Not only did I put up with it, I worked my tail off trying to "make everything nice."

 

All of this to say, it sounds like there is some real pain for you here, and perhaps more pain because your dh didn't have your back on this one, resulting in drama.

 

You're right to stop hosting. Though it may feel awkward for you family to feel your way through this, all of you (meaning you and dh and your kids) have an opportunity to find a way to enjoy the holiday. Hold your ground on hosting, but also extend some compassion to others who similarly do not want to host. A holiday in which someone has to suffer for everyone else to have the fun is an empty shell of what it should be. Find a way for the holiday to be fun and meaningful for all of you.

 

[bettyandbob]

Book a large cabin or two.

 

Invite family/friends you want

 

Grocery shop

 

Prep some food ahead

 

Pack

 

Leave

[AHASRADA]

If I were in your shoes, it's dh who would bear the brunt of my frustration. This is his family, he apparently knows how they are, how they would react, manipulate and gossip. He knows, much better than they, what a burden hosting was on you and the extent to which you've grown to hate it.

 

What was he thinking even broaching the subject with these people of you possibly hosting before discussing it with you?

 

In this instance, from the details you've supplied, it sounds like mil was just acting on the info she was given (dh would like to host), and when you set her straight, she offered to hold the holiday at a restaurant, which is perfectly reasonable and would remove the burden from everyone.

 

If my dh wanted control over the food so badly (which I can't imagine, mine basically only boils eggs), he would be welcomed to cook, clean up the kitchen and transport it to the holiday venue (aka not my house!).

 

You've btdt, are tired of it, and its OK to change the way the holiday looks for your family. For 20 years, sil and I have taken turns holding huge holiday gatherings. Once a year, every year, I hosted an all-day open house with family and friends. I also used to do huge family birthday parties when the kids were little. That was a nice season, but seasons change. The kids have low-key birthdays with their friends, and we spend most of the day on holidays with our own immediate family, meeting relatives at a buffet and coming back to our place for dessert. This year, dh suggested it was time to put an end to the open house. It was fun, but thoroughly exhausting. Instead, we invited two of dh's friends for brunch who were alone on the holiday, and spent the rest of the day enjoying ourselves as a family.

 

Maintain the traditions that the mean the most to your family, and let the rest go.

[Alessandra]

Book a large cabin or two.

 

Invite family/friends you want

 

Grocery shop

 

Prep some food ahead

 

Pack

 

Leave

This. Except I'd take immediate family to a resort or hotel in a nice city. Make it a surprise so even your kids don't know. Then I would book dinner in a place that requires reservations well in advance.

 

And change locks in your house if extended family has keys.

[gardenmom5]

This sounds painful, and I am sorry your in-laws are this way. :grouphug:

 

 

 

I had a post submitted . .. .and the server ate it.  I hate it when that happens.  glare.

Ironically - my grandmother was far worse.  I'm grateful to whomever on this forum I first came across who posted about narcisstic personality disorder.  it was life-changing. my grandmother was malicious and vindictive and derived salacious enjoyment in demeaning her family. and there was *that* smile.  shudder.

 

mil  . . . . is nuts.  I'm convinced her brain is broken (for reasons I won't go into) and much is outside her power.  she's not actually malicious - but is supremely aggravating.  I can willingly visit with her - until she starts going off the rails into lalalalalala land.

 

one particular sil (the one who would host). . . our relationship has been *very* up and down since before dh and I married.  I'm currently in a "taking a mental break" phase.

 

eta: the years I actually enjoyed thanksgiving - mil and sil weren't there.  the rest of the extended family was, so it was still a big group.  but I was able to actually enjoy it.

I think of mil's 13 grandchildren, only seven live in this area anymore.  and five of those are mine.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd reconsider the restaurant. Two hours tops and you're outta there. DH gets some family holiday time, which he seems attached to since he's open to hosting until you set him straight. You get a tranquil home and more delicious food at any other meal during that long weekend.

[gardenmom5]

 

If my dh wanted control over the food so badly (which I can't imagine, mine basically only boils eggs), he would be welcomed to cook, clean up the kitchen and transport it to the holiday venue (aka not my house!).

 

even the two years we went to sil's - dh still did two turkeys (to get enough for the group - less leftover meat than you'd think), the dressing (which is cooked in the turkey - and there is a huge difference), gravy, rolls, (and when the adult grandkids are asked what they want for thanksgiving dinner - Uncle __'s rolls is frequently first on the list.) 

 

years ago, someone asked sil what she'd want to take camping.  her brother. (my dh.)

 

dh loves to cook.  giving him high quality kitchen equipment as gifts makes him HAPPY.  and he uses them.  he will go out and buy it - for himself.  early in our marriage, he gave me a kitchen aid for my birthday.  he made me open it early because he wanted to use it to make my birthday cake . . . .

 

I don't mind making the cranberry sauce.  it is fast and easy.  (and tastes so much better than canned. . . )

[gardenmom5]

 DH gets some family holiday time,

that's what I was able to point out to him and it finally registered - he doesn't visit with his family.  he's in the kitchen cooking, or watching football.  after dinner, he goes and takes a nap because he's been up since 4am. 

[gardenmom5]

 For 20 years, sil and I have taken turns holding huge holiday gatherings. 

 

that's how this started.  it supposedly rotated between us and his two sisters.  then the year it was the sil's turn who is still able to host, she said "oh, people are staying at my house - let's eat at your house". 

 

well, now all but one of the grandkids are grown  (dudeling is the only minor grandchild left. he's more like the oldest of the great-grandchildren). and no one (possibly one or two at most of her daughters - one of whom has one )- would be staying with her.   (nor have they for years.)

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

fwiw, we survive NPD by dh and i being on the same page.  it took YEARS for me to help him learn to never, ever, ever talk to his mom without saying "that's an idea.  let's get ann in here and see what is possible."  it was her strategy to get one of us to commit to something in a moment of weakness.  and it worked until we both had this skill and remembered to use it.

 

if your dh can get to the point where he realizes that it is the cooking and preparing a thanksgiving dinner that he loves, (and he's part way there realizing that he doesn't actually visit with his family because he is in the kitchen), then you can change out the people who are coming.  another thing that helped my dh was when i said, "do you want our children to come home from college for thanksgiving?"  he said, "yes of course" to which i replied, "then we need to make sure they have a few happy thanksgivings before they leave".  

 

in the end, we have discovered that we can't spend ANY traditional holiday with her, because she has expectations AND a desire for us to not be successful in meeting them.  now, we visit when there is NOTHING special happening.  its better.  

 

fwiw,

ann 

[Elisabet1]

We do Thanksgiving with just our family, no one else. Sounds like some of them are being major pains. It is still early, tell them you cannot host this year. And do it just for your family. 

 

I want to add that I did not want to do it, just our family, at first. But once we did, I refuse to give it up. It is so much more relaxed. No family drama, nothing. It is not that there was a ton of family drama. It is just so easy to do it ourselves. There was drama on my dh's side. On his side, only the women cook and clean. And when dinner was ready to start, there were fits from SIL and her daughter about where people sit. And then the men would stay watching football while the women and children would go off and eat in the dining room. Of course, the men's seats were all tagged so no one else could possibly sit where the men belonged in their absence. Then, the women would clean up what they could and warm food and wait for the men to actually eat, and then after all that, the women could finish the cleaning. No way do we run our home like that! Regardless of which genitals your body contains, everyone helps prep the meal, everyone sits together, everyone says the prayer together, and everyone eats together. After the meal, having a penis does not exempt anyone from cleaning. And if anyone did not help set up, they get extra work at clean up. 

 

Sorry to be so crass....but...really..the whole thing ticks me off. So, not going to the inlays is so much better.  And as far as my own side of the family....no issues over gender there. But, we just don't like to go. We have as many in our family alone as all of them put together. Someone usually comments that there should not be a kids table and that is my fault because I had too many kids. So then all my children, including my adult ones, end up sitting at a kids table while children sit at the adult table-because THEIR family was not guilty of over procreating. It just makes for it not being like a family thing at all. My sister will bring her husband. But that is awkward because he will sit in the living room and play on his phone and say he is not hungry and then he will get up and leave making excuse that he already had dinner at his parents house and has to get back there. Whatever. Why come in the first place? Brother brings his wife, and whatever hangers-ons he wants to bring. He has no kids of his own, but is always taking in people...inlaws of his or friends of inlaws of his. Then he orders us that this is HIS family so we have to include them too, or he won't come. So, who ever it is that he brings will take over the adult table while my adult children sit off at the kids table. And since the house is so small, kids table is not within reach or sight of us at the adult table.  Stupid drama I can definitely do without. 

 

So..yeah...making our own Thanksgiving dinner is much easier..much better, and way more fun!

 

[gardenmom5]

 And then the men would stay watching football while the women and children would go off and eat in the dining room.  . Then, the women would clean up what they could and warm food and wait for the men to actually eat, 

 

 

 

dh and I agree. if you are late because you engaged in an activity that makes you late (as opposed to something happening beyond your control)  - you can eat cold food.  (or dish it up out of the refrigerator and heat it yourself)

 

it's *amazing* the motivation it engenders in people to be on time next time  . . . . .

[KungFuPanda]

I grew up in a large family and I honestly LOVED the Kids' Table. The adult table was for grown-ups and babies. They were BORING "blah blah politics, blah blah food, blah blah work, blah blah 'embarrass kid story." I enjoy that table NOW, but as a kid dining with the cousins with reduced dinner supervision was special and fun.

[Excelsior! Academy]

A few years ago during major renovations, I got Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market. Changed My Life! I picked up the food that morning, filled 1 1/2 ovens reheating it, timed it so everything was done at the same time, and enjoyed that meal for lunch and dinner with my immediate family. It was heaven! I had time to nap, read, AND watch a movie. My kitchen stayed clean. We don't NEED the big family blowout EVERY year.

 

http://www.bostonmarket.com/pdfs/holiday/holidayOvenToTableMenu.pdf

 

This. Except echange Boston Market for Mimi's Cafe. We host. We send out invites. You, can come? Great! You can't? Bummer! Hope you can next year! Oh, you are hosting too? Hope you have a great turn out!

[BusyMom5]

Since you all have grown children, maybe it is time you each host your own TG meal.  MIL can go to whichever one she wants, or maybe even go to both! 

[gardenmom5]

1dd is firmly in this camp

Since you all have grown children, maybe it is time you each host your own TG meal.  MIL can go to whichever one she wants, or maybe even go to both!