Don't mess with my kids or else - what does this mean?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have heard or read this phrase or some variation numerous times over the years.

 

People say things like:

"I feel sorry for anyone who hurts my children."

"You mess with my kids, you mess with me."

"I may look nice but you mess with my kids and I'll go *itch."

"Mess with my kids and I'll go fifty shades of crazy."

 

on so on and so forth.

 

What exactly do people actually DO when someone messes with their kids?  What does it mean to go fifty shades of crazy?

 

I realize the reaction will be different depending upon the age of the child and the person doing the messing but these phrases seem extreme and I have wondered to what lengths people will go to avenge their children?

 

Is it simple feather ruffling?

Are you willing to break the law?

Do you hire an attorney and take legal action?

 

 

[TammyS]

When I see stuff like this, I think "beta dog".  That is, someone who has to be loud and growl a lot and make a bunch of noise, because they lack *actual* confidence that they could take care of things should it come to it.

 

Alpha dogs don't do a lot of fighting and growling.  They know they are the alpha, the other dogs know they are the alpha, they don't have to do a lot of posturing to announce it.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I think it usually just means that they will go all mama bear on people. No more nice talk, nice words, smiles, etc. "I'll come at ya like a dark horse". It is a general threat without too much behind it (for most people).

[bolt.]

I think it usually means there will be shouting and intimidation: a verbal altercation.

 

It might also extend to fighting, or whatever legal avenues become available depending on what was done (or percieved to be done) to the child.

 

I think the person is talking not about their specific plan-of-action (which they probably don't even know) but about their anticipation of becoming emotionally enraged... And the plan of not bothering to restrain those impulses (whatever they may turn out to be).

[SKL]

No more Mrs. nice guy.  No more quiet little mouse.  Like the time I told off a teacher (in front of others) for not letting my kid eat lunch.  I actually kept my cool a lot better than the teacher, but it was pretty clear I meant business, and my kid has never missed so much as a snack since then.  :P

[Guest]

I am typically a quiet and pretty easy going person. You can say what you want about me and I will let it roll off my back.  I will nicely confront someone with an issue, and be willing to listen to what they have to say.  But if I feel you are unfairly attacking one of my kids, the quiet girl is gone.  I will tell someone in no uncertain terms what I think of them.  For example....the thing that made us decide to pull our kids to homeschool:

 

We had an IEP meeting for my then 10th grade son one day.  We sit down at the table, and the guidance counselour asks the teachers if they have any input on what ds's struggle was that quarter, and a teacher piped in.  He looked at ds, who they admitted was not a disruptive or mean kid, and told him he didn't have a problem...he was just lazy.  Then he went on to tell him he would be lucky to work at McDonalds when he graduated, IF he graduated.  

 

I looked at the guidance counselour, and said "We are done here....my son will not be coming back to a school where they allow such asses to work with students."  My son knew in that moment, without a doubt, that I was behind him 100%, and if another word was said, I would probably say things that would make me lose my religion. :)  A couple of the teachers in the room that day were actually friends from church, and while they totally supported what I had said, they were surprised that I wasn't so quiet when someone put down my child. :)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

 

I looked at the guidance counselour, and said "We are done here....my son will not be coming back to a school where they allow such asses to work with students."  My son knew in that moment, without a doubt, that I was behind him 100%, and if another word was said, I would probably say things that would make me lose my religion. :)  A couple of the teachers in the room that day were actually friends from church, and while they totally supported what I had said, they were surprised that I wasn't so quiet when someone put down my child. :)

 

I bet that moment made quite an impression on your son and I hope that teacher was reprimanded.

 

((Tbog))

[Guest]

I bet that moment made quite an impression on your son and I hope that teacher was reprimanded.

 

((Tbog))

 

Unfortunately, he is still there.  The guidance counselour, however, is not.  His son was in the 7th grade at that time, and after the teachers left, he shut the door and had a talk with us. Basically it came down to how he felt he was the only one advocating for the kids in that school, and that he would be moving on because he didn't want his own son attending there.  It ended up that ds did much better with the structure, and he finished his last two years via FLVS....where his lowest grade was a B.  You can bet I wanted to take that transcript to the school and tell them what I thought...but I didn't. :) 

 

Also....this reminds me of a conversation via Facebook about the kids at church the other day.  One of our pastors went to where our kids were at CIY Move (Christ in Youth) one afternoon, and came back excited about things that were going on there.  He posted on Facebook about how he had been there that day, and that amazing things were happening with our youth.  One of his old college friends said, "like what".  So he said some had given their lives to Jesus for the first time, a couple were baptized, and some had made decisions to give up things that stood in the way of their walk.  The guy comes back with, "That isn't amazing, that is the basics.  Those kids aren't doing anything amazing."  

 

Well I replied back with a list of things our kids do regularly, including Bible studies they organize at school before class, serving missions here and overseas,  raising money to send 12 non churched kids to camp this year, etc.  He said, "Anyone can say they do that."  Well I know I am biased, but we have a great youth group at our church, and it has some of the most selfless kids I know.  Literally giving the shoes off their feet, and their lunch to the homeless.  Having someone tell us that our kids weren't doing anything amazing, when they are such good kids....didn't go over so well. :) Lots of mama and papa bears came out to defend our kids.  One parent said, these aren't just my kids or your kids....these are all our kids, and you mess with one, you got a lot of mamas to deal with. :) 

[zoobie]

I think they're mostly just expressions. Like "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" I've never been in fear that someone would actually eat a horse. The mama-bear expressions are usually part of a discussion about someone being mean to kids, not out of the blue. Hi, nice to meet you! Response: if you mess with my kids, I'll go 50 shades of crazy! That person could be assumed to be currently operating at 48 shades of crazy.

 

I will step in when an adult is being rude to my kids. If it were my DH, he could handle himself. If it were me, I might ignore it. I don't fight or sue random people. If there's a lawsuit involved, it would have to be for some serious damage!

[Guest inoubliable]

Usually said by people who actually have to lose their shit in order to assert themselves. I generally think of those people having low self esteem and maybe a little cracked in the head, tbh. 

[8circles]

To me, it's just like saying "I don't allow my kids to speak to me that way". It means nothing except their reaction to the behavoir will be irrational.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Well, I'm with TammyS. Live your life in such a way that this doesn't even mean to be said, and that can be done very quietly and respectfully. You don't have to announce that you're capable of morphing into a thug when what you really are is a full-time brick house.

[SKL]

Well, I would never say that as a warning.  I might have said it to my sister when describing how a past conversation went.  Because yeah, I'm pretty quiet and non-confrontational.  That doesn't mean I am a doormat.  As for my kids, they have nobody but me (and themselves) to look after them.  I believe in the school of hard knocks, up to a point, but there are times to call in the big guns.  :P

[Arcadia]

"You mess with my kids, you mess with me."

That sentence was gang lingo in the area where I grew up. Violence does erupt and it is not an empty threat.

[Guest]

Hmm I think some people are caught off guard with the intensity of their instinct to protect their kids, and maybe kind of struggle to put it into words. I had a neighbor that said that after her son had been really struggling behavior-wise in preschool. She had an idea that he needed a certain intervention, and the preschool people just said she needed to discipline him better. Well, she she disagreed and pursued evaluations, which led to him getting the interventions shed originally thought he needed, which led to a peaceful and productive preschool life for him.

 

Shed make all these mama bear comments. It wasn't that she resorted to violence or even bad words....she was just surprised at how tenacious she turned out to be, when her kids needed her. She *felt* like a mama bear. She *felt* like someone had tried to eff with her kid, and that she had shown them what's up. It was a victory for her and her family and she was trying to put that into words.

 

This.  It isn't like I actually say things like that, except for joking conversations with friends.  But people WILL find out that I am not the sweet, quiet person they think I am if I feel my kids are being threatened.

[Heatherwith4]

It's not something I typically say. To me it means "I'll kick your ass and get thrown in jail if you mess with my kids."

 

Since I would like to avoid jail, I will just say that I will stand up for my kids and advocate for them when necessary.

[swellmomma]

I've involved the law when necessary and had people arrested. I have sued. If it was someone who messed with them at a place of work I have gone to the higher ups and that person was either reprimanded or fired.  If it was severe enough I would have no problem breaking the law.  I do not say it as a warning, but as describer when talking to others about the incident that caused that feeling.  However, I have never needed to say it outright to anyone but everyone knows it is the way it is with me.  I have known many in irl including my sister who do not have those feelings about their kids.  They love their kids of course but they would not directly confront someone who has harmed them, or even involve the authorities if the person was under 18 no matter the offense. It is not a matter of posturing, it is just what it is.  My kids know it too.  When ds10 was in his wreck I tore into the driver of the semi that hit them when I caught him smirking as he watched my son be loaded into the ambulance right after I was told they thought his back might be broken.  WHen I got back into the ambulance my son asked "mom did you yell at him?" I answered " you know it" his response "then we will be okay".  My kids and everyone else knows I am mama bear. 

 

[AimeeM]

For me it means that I'll take legal action and go to the ends of the earth to pursue it.

I've had conversations, living in the south, wherein somebody will mention that if a child did "such and such" in their company, they would "put that child - not their own - across their knee". Unfortunately, this has put me in the odd position of having to explain to people, who seem to think nothing of physically disciplining children who aren't their own, that if they touch my children, I will press assault charges - don't touch my kids. Odd, eh?

 

Anywho, that's the first thing that comes to my mind when I read your post, because that's really the only time I've ever had to go "Mama Bear" on anybody, or exert any type of "hurt my kids, I'll hurt you" speak.

 

I do not know what it means when somebody else says it. I hear it frequently, too, though.

[Saddlemomma]

I don't remember if I ever said anything like that, but I do remember one specific example of a guy trying to take my eldest DD from a rest stop when DD was 4 (she's 23 now).

 

 

I had noticed, while eating lunch at a picnic table that this guy looked really out of place.  He was sitting at a table a little ways from us reading a book.  He had nothing else with him - no keys, lunch stuff, or anything.  When we passed him to get to a picnic table, he put down his book and watched us.  I felt that Momma tingle all over, so I took DD for a walk through the leaves a short distance from our table.  Sure enough, he got up and paralleled us.  The whole time I never looked at him, just used my peripheral vision. 

 

I went back to our table, told my friend to pack up because we were heading to the restrooms.  She hadn't finished and asked what the hurry was.  I just told her to do it.  While walking to the restroom, I noticed the man look to someone in the parking lot and nod with his head.  Then he started following us.  I had one of DD's hands, and I had my friend take the other.  My friend was full of questions, but I just told her to do what I said.  When we got into the women's restroom, I knelt down to my DD and told her that I was going to go outside the ladies' room,  but she was to stay in the bathroom with my friend and hold her hand.  She wasn't to let go no matter what she heard. My friend was really perplexed but did what I said.

 

As soon as I walked outside the door, there he was, just waiting for my DD to run out ahead of me.  I stepped right up to him, looked him in the eyes, and told him he never had a chance. I was desperately trying to keep myself in restraint. As I was confronting him, I noticed my dad, who had stayed in the truck to eat his lunch with my mom, walking up behind the guy.  Dad had noticed the whole thing from the car.  We now had the guy sandwiched between us.  Dad asked me if I needed any help.  Still looking into the guy's eyes, I told him no, that the man was just leaving.  With that, the guy took off and got into a running car at the curb.

 

At the time, I had no fear and such adrenaline running through me, I felt like I could have picked up tractor trailers and thrown them.  (It helped that I was in training and benching 185 at the gym for warm-ups.)  So, did I feel like a mama grizzly?  Definitely.  Could I have done violence if he had actually laid hands on DD, ABSOLUTELY! I have no doubts. It would have been instinctive. Afterwards, I felt like jelly and started shaking like a leaf.  I got DD and my friend from the restroom and explained to my friend what had happened.

 

Unfortunately, I couldn't report the guy because he didn't actually do anything. 

 

I've never forgotten that, I get chills just writing about it.  Now with our youngest, I'm still extra vigilant when out with her.

 

So now, if I ever see someone stalking my one of my kids and say, "Stay away from my kid, or you'll be sorry", I know that I actually mean I will protect my kid to the fullest of my ability, even if that means I'll rip that person to shreds.  Until you're in the situation I was in, you just don't know your own capacity for violence.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

To me, it's just like saying "I don't allow my kids to speak to me that way". It means nothing except their reaction to the behavior will be irrational.

 

The bolded part(mine) is how I view it when someone says something like this. That the immediate future will be wrought with verbal tirades and lots of cud chewing.

 

In situations described by Tbog and Swellmomma, well, I just don't think that's going 50 shades.  To me that's involved parenting, how we are supposed to advocate for our children.  It saddens me to think that some basic aspects of parenting might be viewed as being over-the-top or mama bearish.

 

The first time I heard the phrase "mess with my kids, mess with me" was in a western city with a large gang population.  I was young and took it at face value and was always on eggshells when certain children were around (I worked at a daycare center).

 

But to see similar phrases being bandied about by midwestern, soccer moms who drive minivans makes me scratch my head.  It also makes me think of some of the behaviors described in the helicoptermom thread.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

So now, if I ever see someone stalking my one of my kids and say, "Stay away from my kid, or you'll be sorry", I know that I actually mean I will protect my kid to the fullest of my ability, even if that means I'll rip that person to shreds.  Until you're in the situation I was in, you just don't know your own capacity for violence.

 

Wow, what an experience.  Thank goodness you were vigilant.  My respect goes out to you for keeping your head and being strong.

[ktgrok]

For me it means I will do what needs to be done to protect my kids, whatever that may mean. Only example I can think of was when my ex husband's new girlfriend started harrassing me. She said my ex owed her money, and I should make him give it to her. (um, lady, get in line if you want to talk money owed!). I was nice, told her it was between her and him. She called and called and called. She called my place of business and would hang up, over and over. We just blocked the number. Then she called again (other number) and said that she would make it my business, by involving my son  in it. To just wait until he was at his dad's again, she would go there and make it my son's business and mine. I informed her very clearly that the minute she involved my son she made a very very large mistake. Then I called the police. Luckily, they were down the street, about a block, and several officers used us (veterinary hospital) for their pets and police dogs. ONe came, chatted with me, and then tracked down the lady in question. Made it clear to her that harrassment is against the law and that she would not hesitate to arrest her if there was ANY continuation of it, especially around my son. 

 

Now, had that not worked, and she escalated it, I would have handled it. That might have meant a lawyer, more police, refusing to send my son to visit his father (instead having his father come to my place), etc up to and including shoving her the hell away if need be.

[gardenmom5]

some people are willing to break the law - and the parents end up arrested for assault and battery.

[Erin]

I always read those memes and such as translating to:  "I am a helicopter mom, but I'm trying to rationalize it."  :rolleyes:

[Audrey]

Well, in general, I think that people who feel they need to announce that they will "mess you up, if you mess with [their] kid" are posturing -- in better words... full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

 

I think that people who truly would hunt down a bastard who violated their child and rip them into shreds with their bare hands, will not be announcing that.  They'll just do it. 

[katilac]

In this couple's case, it means they will track you down and kidnap you: 

 

http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2014/07/28/colusa-couple-accused-of-kidnapping-assaulting-teen-for-making-6-year-old-cry/

[Tammi K]

I'm surprise no one linked to this.   This is the ultimate "Don't Mess With My Kid" story!

[swellmomma]

I'm surprise no one linked to this.   This is the ultimate "Don't Mess With My Kid" story!

See and that is something I would absolutely do.  I don't have to announce it ahead of time though

[Rosie_0801]

It would mean nothing if I was saying it because they only person I would want to say it to has more power to hurt me than I have to hurt them.

[Catwoman]

I have never thought it indicated any kind of mental imbalance or tendency toward violence. I always thought it was just the way some people indicated that they would always be there to stick up for their kids and protect them.

[swellmomma]

I have never thought it indicated any kind of mental imbalance or tendency toward violence. I always thought it was just the way some people indicated that they would always be there to stick up for their kids and protect them.

That's how I have always seen it too.  But I can see people like my sister who do not seem to have a momma bear bone in their body seeing it as a mental imbalance or propensity for violence.   

[wintermom]

I can't imagine saying those words. Why would you have to? I would just do the actions necessary to fix the problem.

[Rosie_0801]

Not all problems have adequate solutions.

[wintermom]

Not all problems have adequate solutions.

 

Could you be a little more specific?

 

[Rosie_0801]

Could you be a little more specific?

 

 

When one fears the consequences.

[KungFuPanda]

It's a redneck threat. Be careful. About 25% of them are crazy enough to back it up.

[Catwoman]

It would mean nothing if I was saying it because they only person I would want to say it to has more power to hurt me than I have to hurt them.

That's awful. :(

 

I'm very sorry to hear that. :grouphug:

[Tammi K]

In generally, I assume people just say it to express discontent. In my mind, it's much the same as when people say, "I'm going to kill him!"  Of course, they are typically NOT going to kill anyone. They are just venting.  I think some people just like to hear themselves talk.

[wintermom]

When one fears the consequences.

 

nm

 

[PeacefulChaos]

I've always thought it sounded fake, over the top, and like an empty threat for no reason. 

Idk.  

[Rosie_0801]

I have no idea what you mean. The mama fears the consequences of her own actions, and therefore sends out a vague threat that no one should "fill in the blank with an interaction with her child?"

 

 

Yep

[Ruby Rose]

Nm

[Tammi K]

How far would I go to avenge for my children? I'd kill for my kids. Obviously, not for little Billy getting pushed on the playground, but for something more sadistic or criminal I would kill the person who harmed or killed my child.

 

No snark intended! Honestly, I'm curious. Would you really risk depriving the other children of you presence in their lives to seek vengeance? 

 

Wouldn't you worry about spending the rest of your life in prison and perhaps never seeing your other children?

 

[Ruby Rose]

The way our justice system works or doesn't work these days, I would be compelled to take action.

 

Ps please delete quoted reply. I'd hate for it to be used against me. ;)

 

I guess I'm haunted about several recent cases of child murder. Recently a 5 yo girl was kidnapped from in front of her apt, brutally raped, tortured, and killed by 2 men a block from her house. Yeah, if that was my child, and if those SOBs ever walked free ....

[Guest inoubliable]

O.o
Some people would seriously KILL someone if they hurt their children? I'd be in a blind rage, I'm sure, if someone violated my children but I'm part of a civilization that has a system in place for when that sort of thing happens. Good Thor. I just couldn't imagine.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I'd stand up for my kids, sure.

 

 

But they need me at home, not in prison, so there are limits.

[DawnM]

Well, I do NOT say this very often, but I did last year.

 

A woman went completely bat crap crazy on my Aspie teen.  She got angry because of his reaction to her rudeness and she acted like a toddler.  She threw things, stomped, and screamed at him.  She then sent me a nasty email telling me what a horrible mom I was and that my son was a horrible human for talking back to her, she also said a bunch of other nasty things that implied my son didn't deserve to live (almost anyway.)

 

I sent her a very strong email back telling her that not only did I never want to speak to her again, but that her actions were the worst I had ever seen in an adult and that perhaps she needed some psychological help.  I told her that her emails would be blocked and that if I saw her out in public I expected her NOT to try to engage me in conversation.

 

I have never in my life done this before, but no one has been so out of control towards my child before.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Well, I do NOT say this very often, but I did last year.

 

A woman went completely bat crap crazy on my Aspie teen. She got angry because of his reaction to her rudeness and she acted like a toddler. She threw things, stomped, and screamed at him. She then sent me a nasty email telling me what a horrible mom I was and that my son was a horrible human for talking back to her, she also said a bunch of other nasty things that implied my son didn't deserve to live (almost anyway.)

 

I sent her a very strong email back telling her that not only did I never want to speak to her again, but that her actions were the worst I had ever seen in an adult and that perhaps she needed some psychological help. I told her that her emails would be blocked and that if I saw her out in public I expected her NOT to try to engage me in conversation.

 

I have never in my life done this before, but no one has been so out of control towards my child before.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! :hurray:

[Ruby Rose]

Let's all just pray we are never in the situation where we'd have to choose. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Just curious, but if someone broke into your home and terrorized (whatever your worst nightmare may be) your family, given the opportunity would you kill them to defend your family or would you just wait until the police arrived to let them stop them?

 

FTR I'm not a violent person or a vigilantly. However, when it comes to protecting my family, I will do it.

[Guest inoubliable]

Defending yourself from violence *in the moment* is different from going out after an incident and taking justice into your own hands. 

If someone broke into my house, chances are they're looking for money or things to sell. I'd give it to them. And then call the police. Insurance will cover it. It would be traumatic, I'm sure. But I'm not going to knife them in front of my children over my tiny TV or collection of carnival glass. Sheesh.