How can I say somewhat nicely...

[Soror]

I am not interested in attending any event ever at your church? We just got an invite for VBS from someone who is becoming a good friend of ds. I was kind of expecting it as they are involved in a very pushy evangelical church. This church is very anti-catholic and even if we weren't Catholic I would be VERY opposed to them attending it due to their theology. I want to nip this in the bud, can I say that nicely?

[bolt.]

I think the most polite course would be to endure 2 or 3 invitations, and say simply that it doesn't interest you, isn't your thing, etc. (Don't give unrelated excuses.) Most people will "pick up what you are laying down" -- so, for the sake of manners, it's just 2 or 3 more casual conversations.

 

I think having a "nip in the bud" conversation would probably be unnessisarily offensive at this point -- considering how easy the non-offensive route is.

[maize]

"We really prefer to just stick to Catholic church activities, but thanks for thinking of us."

[ktgrok]

Oh, I really appreciate you thinking of us, but we like to stick with events at our own church. 

 

or

 

Oh, we don't even have time for all the stuff going on at St. Church we attend, let alone activities at another church. But thanks for thinking of us!

 

or

 

Ah, that's so sweet! I know you guys really love it there, but it's not quite our thing. But thanks for thinking of us!

[Heatherwith4]

I usually make the excuse that we are so busy at our own church, we don't really have time to attend others. It is the truth, anyway.

[saw]

When my youngest ds was at an evangelical Christian school (didn't know the extent of it when I enrolled him), I used to get invited to bible study, Sunday lunch with the vicar's family, coffee with the vicar's wife, etc. I found they eventually stopped asking me as I didn't accept most of the invites (just said, sorry, won't be able to make it today). We really couldn't make it to most of the invites as we had commitments to another church so I wasn't fibbing, fortunately. I was a bit sorry that I stopped being invited to anything that was purely"social" once it was clear I wasn't interested in attending their brand of church, but that was the price I had to pay.

[Lady Florida.]

"We really prefer to just stick to Catholic church activities, but thanks for thinking of us."

 

I confess (no pun intended) that when I was still Catholic I often used that to shut down invitations and prevent future ones. It worked beautifully. One time when I was a teenager I decided to go with a new friend to her church when she invited me, mostly because of an invitation to hang out at her house after the service. MIstake. I endured anti-Catholic and anti-Jewish comments throughout the service. After that I went back to my "No thanks, we're Catholic" line.

 

If declining events affects the friendship, then they weren't your friends. They just saw your family as potential recruits. If they graciously accept your gracious refusals and continue to socialize with you, then they are actually friends. 

[HSmomof2]

Agreeing with pp that just a casual, "Thanks for the invitation, but we're busy with activities at our church."

 

If you continue to get invitations, then something more along the lines of theology differences that your dc aren't going to be able to attend their church. My dd has a good friend that doesn't attend church at all. A couple years ago, we just sent over a flyer about our church's VBS, in case she wanted to come. She didn't attend, and I haven't done any additional invites to church-related activities. I wouldn't worry about one invite at this point.

[gardenmom5]

if they are very anti-Catholic, and you are catholic, I think you need to expect this might be a limited life friendship.

 

be very clear - thank you, but that doesn't work for us. 

 

please keep in mind, if these people are that pushy in getting people to come, that eventually may end their interest in your friendship.

 

eta: I accepted an invite from one person with the understanding I would only go once. (and I only had marginal interest.)  she thought I'd be coming every week.   it didn't go well.

[StephanieZ]

I have found that most folks stop inviting if you identify yourself with your own church/faith pretty firmly. I have taught my kids to simply say that, "My parents don't allow me to go to any church activities at any other church (without my parents). Ever." It has worked well enough, even with some firmly evangelical religions. I have repeated the same thing to the parents, "My kids aren't allowed to go to any church related functions at any other church (other than our own) without me. Until they are 18." Seems to work well enough. It's tough when the kids are pushed so hard to evangelize/bring friends/etc. . . so they often try a few times the first year, but then the invites dry up since we've been consistent. I teach my kids to have empathy for the kids (and parents) since they are only doing what they feel they are religiously required to do . .. 

 

Realistically, I am sure that 99% of the families extending the invitations would NEVER allow their own kids to be evangelized at a church outside their faith, and so by putting the language in that framework, they understand it quickly and respect it more than if I don't put it in that language.

 

I have occasionally told my kids to tell the inviting kid to the classic -- sleep over Saturday and go to my church with me -- invite, that, well, you aren't allowed to go to anyone else's church, but, sure tell Suzy she can sleep over here and go to our church with us. Puts a bit of the pressure back on the parents and stops the invites right quick. Another time, when my young teen son wanted to attend church functions and services with a friend (due to great social opportunities at their mega church), I just told him that I'd be happy to go WITH him anytime, but he couldn't go alone. Ever. Since his sole motivation was social, that ended that interest, lol. (He eventually admitted that his ONLY reason for wanting to go was social, and that his then-professed religious interest was invented!)

[Kim in Appalachia]

I think you should just say, "No thank-you, but thanks for asking." and go on your merry way.  If the person asks again just continue to say that you're not interested.  

[Guest inoubliable]

"Thanks, but we already attend a church and their activities."

 

We've been approached many times in the past by different friends and their different churches. We've lost many of those people as friends after turning them down. If your friends are attending an anti-Catholic church and you're Catholic.... I'd be aware that the friendship may not be a lasting one. 

[poppy]

Perhaps they don't know you are Catholic?
If they do know that, it might not even be offensive. I know people who attend a local VBS simply because it's free. 

Just say no thanks, we have other plans until they get the hint.

[Mrs Mungo]

I am not interested in attending any event ever at your church? We just got an invite for VBS from someone who is becoming a good friend of ds. I was kind of expecting it as they are involved in a very pushy evangelical church. This church is very anti-catholic and even if we weren't Catholic I would be VERY opposed to them attending it due to their theology. I want to nip this in the bud, can I say that nicely?

I just say, "oh, that is nice, but we have a church."

[ThisIsTheDay]

"Thank you for thinking of us, but we are VERY happy with our own church."

 

If they push and continue to invite you to things:  "It's so nice of you to think of us, but please don't continue to ask. We are not interested in visiting other churches.  Have you tasted this bean dip?" (or otherwise completely change the subject).

[Pronghorn]

Not everyone sees such a big divide between denominations. I go to a United Methodist church and have Catholic kids in the Sunday School class I teach. They go to mass and then zip over to our church so their kids can gain some additional Bible knowledge. They have been doing this for years and are very happy. And I have never once tried to convert them to Methodism (whatever that is). I look at what unites us more than the differences. Perhaps some of those who invite people to their church are not trying to convert them but just to include them and enrich their lives a bit.

[Audrey]

I'm not saying this is what's going on, but this does happen ... it's possible that they do know you are Catholic and are using the side door to recruit your son anyway.  Some of those churches give prizes and points and such to the kids if they can get other kids to come to services or activities.  It's like a game -- how many souls can you save?  It's not about friendship. 

[Incognito]

I've invited other families to things like that at the church we attend purely as a friendly offer (parents like to get a few hours free some mornings).  I probably wouldn't remember if you declined me last year, though, and might well offer again if we were spending time together just before it started again the next year.  

 

FWIW, I have sent my kids to VBS at other churches, and over 3/4 of the kids that come to the one at the church we attend are from the surrounding community (other churches or not).  

 

I'd really try not to take offence at the offer, if I were you, and just politely decline when it comes up.  If it starts to come up ALL THE TIME, then it is a different issue.  

[sassenach]

"We really prefer to just stick to Catholic church activities, but thanks for thinking of us."

This is good. I was thinking you could just say, "No, thank you."

[sassenach]

Most VBSs have an outreach element to them. They're generally not sinister.

[aggieamy]

I think part of the issue is probably that the other church is anti-Catholic.  We have some dear dear friends that aren't Catholic and we do things at their church.  We'll politely decline if it's something we aren't comfortable with like VBS because we don't know what theology is going to be presented and are Catholic.  Any family activities or social activities we go to and enjoy though.  They are very welcoming people and respectful of our faith.  If we felt their church didn't respect our faith then we wouldn't go to any social activities there.  

[Kerileanne99]

"No Thanks." Said with a pleasant smile.

I have found, in an area with a huge number of churches and meme ers who want to share their experiences, that short and sweet is best. People expect you to expand on this, to come up with some sort of excuse. When you do not, it really puts the emphasis where you want it...and not on the excuse. We get A LOT less repeat invitations this way!

[Soror]

I'm not saying this is what's going on, but this does happen ... it's possible that they do know you are Catholic and are using the side door to recruit your son anyway.  Some of those churches give prizes and points and such to the kids if they can get other kids to come to services or activities.  It's like a game -- how many souls can you save?  It's not about friendship. 

Yes! I know lots are reading this and thinking oh, it's just a nice little VBS for fun and why is she getting upset. Well, you really don't know *this* church, they're the type to use Jack Chick tracts, ok. So, yes I want to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. I hope that our faith doesn't hurt the boy's friendship but it is what it is. I wouldn't trust that church enough to attend ANY activities there. 

 

I believe I'm sending a short little we only attend activities at our church note. I don't want to open the door to evangelization by being vague and ambiguous. 

[Alice]

If it's the first invitation I'd just say "No, thank you" and leave it at that. I can see inviting someone to something at our church even if they went to another church if it was a good friend of one of my kids. I would assume good intentions at first, that they just think it might be fun for your son and their son to be together.  If they keep pushing or the invitations become more intrusive, then you can be more clear about the theological differences or that you aren't interested at all. 

[wintermom]

I would explain that your family is Catholic and has no intention of changing; that your church organizes similar events, and that while you appreciate the invite you are not interested.  IME, it is easier in the long run to just be clear and honest, otherwise there may be this unwritten expectation on her part that she'll convert you. This way she can drop you quickly as a friend if she can't handle a Catholic friend not interested in converting. Sorry to sound so blunt, but if you and she invest a lot of time and emotions and still come to the same conclusion in a few months, it will probably be a lot more painful. (At least it was for me)

[brehon]

Not everyone sees such a big divide between denominations. I go to a United Methodist church and have Catholic kids in the Sunday School class I teach. They go to mass and then zip over to our church so their kids can gain some additional Bible knowledge. They have been doing this for years and are very happy. And I have never once tried to convert them to Methodism (whatever that is). I look at what unites us more than the differences. Perhaps some of those who invite people to their church are not trying to convert them but just to include them and enrich their lives a bit.

I grew up in the UMC and my dad's side of the family is RC. Growing up I attended Mass nearly as often as my Methodist church. My family and I attend the RCC. I absolutely agree with you that the UMC as a whole wouldn't use kids' activities (or any activity, really) to try and covert people say from their chosen faith tradition. Frankly, I would be gobsmacked if I ever heard about a UMC using stealth tactics and pressure to convert people.

 

Unfortunately, this is not the norm among certain (not all, certainly) fundamentalist and/or evangelical Protestants. I believe Sorer mentioned that the church this particular friend of hers attends is NOT a mainline Protestant where a family's beliefs and traditions would be respected. In this case, merely looking at what unites Christ's family wouldn't work because people at churches like this one use every trick and tactic they can to convert those who are "mislead" which, by the way, would include Methodists (if my experience is anything like the norm) and most certainly includes Catholics.

[ktgrok]

To be honest I'm a little surprised by the posts about Methodists and Catholics going to each other's services/activities as there is a huge difference how how they view communion and some other things. I hope the families know that the services are not interchangeable if you are Catholic.

 

 

In my experience it was in addition to Mass, not in place of. I had friends that were Catholic come to my presbyterian church as a kid, then go to the later Mass aftewards.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yes! I know lots are reading this and thinking oh, it's just a nice little VBS for fun and why is she getting upset. Well, you really don't know *this* church, they're the type to use Jack Chick tracts, ok. So, yes I want to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. I hope that our faith doesn't hurt the boy's friendship but it is what it is. I wouldn't trust that church enough to attend ANY activities there. 

 

I believe I'm sending a short little we only attend activities at our church note. I don't want to open the door to evangelization by being vague and ambiguous. 

 

I think your instincts to nip this in the bud are right on here.  I've been someone's "conversion" project before, under the guise of friendship.  I've been in situations where seemingly nice people invited my kids to something in order to try to convert them.  It was ugly.  I would much rather have someone reject me outright for sticking to my faith rather than make a pretend friendship that ends badly when they find out I am not willing to go along with their conversion project.  Part of the reason why dd is going part-time to public high school is that there just aren't enough non-evangelical teens in our area who are ready for the kind of work she is ready for and I don't want to set her up for a bunch of hurt by having her attend the Christian co-ops here. 

 

[brehon]

I actually did go to one event... I think it was at a Methodist church... on Shrove Tuesday for pancakes. I just meant as a parent I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my kid to another church's Sunday school or something like that. I wouldn't know what they were teaching. And one poster talked about going to both services as a kid and I know that for me I could only do that if I went to my church's service in addition to the other service. I could not substitute one for the other and I don't know many people that attend two services in the same weekend.

 

That was me. I was baptised and confirmed in the Methodist church. And, yes, because my grandparents were RC my brother and I went to Mass with them. We both knew from an early age the differences between the two churches and there was no problem or confusion on our parts. We only attended Sunday school at our church. Maybe we were unusual because our parents and g-parents were very open and talks about religion, especially the differences b/w Methodist & RC, were common. It truly wasn't a ever big deal.

 

ETA: Both our minister and my g-parents' priest loved having my brother and me attend the services. I loved the priest (for many reasons) because he being Irish was always giving tanks to God. Our minister, who later became a bishop in the UMC, told my parents that he loved talking with my brother and I because of our unique outlooks. I feel both men, in their varying ways, contributed to my brother's and my spiritual formation.

[brehon]

That seems confusing to me lol. Being baptized in one faith, but only attending services in the other. I'm glad that you enjoyed your time being involved with both and that your family had discussions about it all. I am curious if you officially converted to Catholicism or just attend Mass now as it feels familiar?

No, I'm sorry; I obviously wasn't clear. I attended primarily Methodist services and only Sunday school at our church. However, I also attended Mass with my grands when they watched me. Clear as mud?

 

My dh and I were married in the RCC (he's a cradle Catholic) and our children are being raised in the faith. I haven't converted mainly because of logistics - my work schedule simply doesn't allow me to attend RCIA. Mass is familiar certainly and I do find comfort in it even though, of course, I don't receive the Eucharist.

[Pronghorn]

To be honest I'm a little surprised by the posts about Methodists and Catholics going to each other's services/activities as there is a huge difference how how they view communion and some other things. I hope the families know that the services are not interchangeable if you are Catholic.

I think it is a good idea to expose children to multiple Christian traditions. As a child, I went to Christian Reformed and Assembly of God and Church of God and others so numerous I cannot recall all the names. As an adult I have regularly gone to Church of the Nazarene, Presbyterian, Christian Reformed, and now Methodist. I do not feel a need to agree on all points of theology with my fellow worshipers. My life has been tremendously enriched by exposures to different traditions.

 

My little Sunday School kids who are Catholic generally do not go to the service, just the Sunday School. They are sharp kids with very involved parents who talk to their kids about what they learn. I personally very much respect these parents and the extra trouble they go to to ensure that their kids get a sound Bible education.

[SKL]

Personally I would teach my kids how to say "no thank you," but I would leave it up to them (if it was not a logistical problem for my family).

 

I think we all need to have talks with our kids about "this is what some people believe, and this is what we believe."  VBS at another church could be an opening for such a chat.

 

If it gets to the point of being problematic, I'd probably say to the parents "Junior is being raised in the __ faith.  He is getting very confused by religious discussions because he is too young to sort it all out.  I think it would be best to stick to chats about [sports, dolls, puppies, whatever] until he gets much older."

[Pronghorn]

I'm sorry for derailing the thread here but I want to reply to this. I'm not necessarily opposed to exposure of different traditions, but I am raising my child in my faith so I could not treat them as all interchangeable. Like one weekend we go to this church, one weekend we go to that one, etc. etc. Dh went to a home church for a while many years ago. He does not currently have a church. He currently rarely attends church with me. If he wants to pick a church and bring ds along, that's okay. But I have an obligation to raise ds in my faith and will continue to do so. If when he's older he leaves that is his personal choice, obviously. Growing up one of our closest family friends was a Jewish family. I tagged along to a Mormon service with a friend in college. I wasn't raised to look negatively at other religions, but I always had an obligation to go to weekly service at my own church and also not partake in communion in other churches. I notice that sometimes kids bring friends to services with them and they are oblivious to the rules of communion.

I don't think the Catholic family that comes to our church treats it as interchangeable with their own. It is kind of like an add-on to the main curriculum.

 

I personally don't think of Catholic and Protestant as two different faiths. Yes, there are significant differences, but those can be part of passing on the faith at home. To me, anyone who believes in Christ is a Christian and that is what the heart of the faith is. Perhaps Catholics don't usually think this way, though. I have never asked them if they considered me to be of the same faith as they are.

[brehon]

Lol I think I just got confused by the term "our church" which refers to your current church? And I was thinking "our church" referred to your main church as a child, which I assumed was the Methodist one. Ahh don't mind me lol. Thank you for clearing that up.

 

Ah, yes. A horrible congruence of confusing pronouns and unclear tenses. I can understand how you were befuddled. This is what happens when I try to explain things without my morning cuppa. So sorry for that. :)

[aggieamy]

I'm sorry for derailing the thread here but I want to reply to this. I'm not necessarily opposed to exposure of different traditions, but I am raising my child in my faith so I could not treat them as all interchangeable. Like one weekend we go to this church, one weekend we go to that one, etc. etc. Dh went to a home church for a while many years ago. He does not currently have a church. He currently rarely attends church with me. If he wants to pick a church and bring ds along, that's okay. But I have an obligation to raise ds in my faith and will continue to do so. If when he's older he leaves that is his personal choice, obviously. Growing up one of our closest family friends was a Jewish family. I tagged along to a Mormon service with a friend in college. I wasn't raised to look negatively at other religions, but I always had an obligation to go to weekly service at my own church and also not partake in communion in other churches. I notice that sometimes kids bring friends to services with them and they are oblivious to the rules of communion.

 

I agree with you and I feel like it's hard to explain that to other people at times.  I have great respect for other religions but I'm Catholic and I'm raising my children Catholic.  I don't wish to insult anyone but I don't have time or energy or interest in exploring other churches.  

[Soror]

Personally I would teach my kids how to say "no thank you," but I would leave it up to them (if it was not a logistical problem for my family).

 

I think we all need to have talks with our kids about "this is what some people believe, and this is what we believe."  VBS at another church could be an opening for such a chat.

 

 

Well, if it was VBS at another church I would be open to it (depending on the church, how their beliefs lined up with ours and the local church). However, I will not support theri church or send any of my kids into such an environment, no way. If they choose such a religion as an adult that is their decision but it is not something I would encourage or sponsor in any way. I wouldn't want to put them in a situation either where their made to feel fear  etc.

[Pronghorn]

Sorry, I was mainly commenting to your list of churches you went to and I thought that would be a lot to juggle and therefore you probably wouldn't be going to any same one weekly. The sacraments cannot be reproduced in the home (minus a priest visiting the house), hence part of the importance of actually going to the church for a Catholic. I know that these families still attended church elsewhere, but I was thinking more of the example you gave of going to several churches where it sounded like one was not the main church to you. In second grade we have a 1st Communion class. That would not be taught in a Methodist Sunday school and I wouldn't want to attempt to teach it at home. I have thought about doing this... my church does not offer a Sunday school program at all. But instead, I will probably drive ds to another parish.

 

As a child, I did have a church-hopping parent, but he didn't hop on a weekly or even monthly basis. We generally had a main church. And as an adult I have spent at least nine months at each church, usually changing only due to a move or a change in my husband's preferences. I do agree that kids should have a church where they feel at home, not a different one every week. My little Sunday school kids have two places to feel at home. Their parents are very consistent with their chosen pattern of attendance.

[HollyDay]

How would you turn down an invitation to any other event you didn't want to attend?  Just because it is religious shouldn't make it any different than any other event (sports, theater, scouts, whatever).  You don't want to go.  You don't want your children to go.  You don't need to explain.  A kind invitation can be kindly turned down.  "No thank you."  If they are genuinely inviting out of kindness, they might again.  And once again, you can politely but firmly say, "No thank you." 

 

If you find you need to offer more, you could something like, "No thank you, we do not want to attend any of these activities.  If that changes at any point, we will certainly let you know.  Now, please, for the sake of our friendship, don't ask again."

 

I get it, you want to protect your children from influences you don't want them exposed to.  Religion is a hot issue.  But, it is not anyone's business why you believe what you believe or worship where you worship, or go to what activities you go to. 

 

If it was a situation of genuine interest of a friend and an open, honest discussion would benefit the relationship, then great!  Have a detailed discussion and agree to disagree.  But, this doesn't seem to be the case.  You are being invited to VBS that you do not wish to attend due to personal/religious beliefs.  You don't need to explain why.  And if they want a friendship with you, then shouldn't they respect that?

 

Just my 2 cents.......

[Mom-ninja.]

"No, thanks," and repeat as many times as needed.

[Meadowlark]

I think it is a good idea to expose children to multiple Christian traditions. As a child, I went to Christian Reformed and Assembly of God and Church of God and others so numerous I cannot recall all the names. As an adult I have regularly gone to Church of the Nazarene, Presbyterian, Christian Reformed, and now Methodist. I do not feel a need to agree on all points of theology with my fellow worshipers. My life has been tremendously enriched by exposures to different traditions.

 

My little Sunday School kids who are Catholic generally do not go to the service, just the Sunday School. They are sharp kids with very involved parents who talk to their kids about what they learn. I personally very much respect these parents and the extra trouble they go to to ensure that their kids get a sound Bible education.

This is an interesting angle. I am catholic, but my husband isn't. Our catholic VBS didn't work out this year with our schedule, so they're going to a evangelical Christian one next week. It is the same commercially bought program that our church did, weird animals. It honestly never occurred to me that any contradictory teaching would occur at VBS...am I wrong about that? I figured we are all Christian and it's VBS, not an actual service....

 

In addition, I grew up in a strict catholic family. I remember thinking my best friend, who was lutheran, was very weird for not being catholic. I grew up completely ignorant that there were other religions....Today, I have friends from all different faiths. I am raising my kids catholic, but I do not want them to grow up in the same bubble I did. For goodness sake, I JUST learned who Martin Luther was...no joke, at 36 yrs of age. This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's an interesting discussion for sure.

[brehon]

This is an interesting angle. I am catholic, but my husband isn't. Our catholic VBS didn't work out this year with our schedule, so they're going to a evangelical Christian one next week. It is the same commercially bought program that our church did, weird animals. It honestly never occurred to me that any contradictory teaching would occur at VBS...am I wrong about that? I figured we are all Christian and it's VBS, not an actual service....

 

In addition, I grew up in a strict catholic family. I remember thinking my best friend, who was lutheran, was very weird for not being catholic. I grew up completely ignorant that there were other religions....Today, I have friends from all different faiths. I am raising my kids catholic, but I do not want them to grow up in the same bubble I did. For goodness sake, I JUST learned who Martin Luther was...no joke, at 36 yrs of age. This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's an interesting discussion for sure.

Depending on how the VBS is taught, yes, your kids could very easily be taught something counter to Catholic teaching. As mentioned before some evangelical churches take it as their mission to "save" kids and "bring kids to Jesus" (to include altar calls & peer pressure to "say the sinner's prayer and be saved"). My kids would not attend VBS at such a church.

 

I think it is fairly easy to teach our kids about different faiths. It takes honesty and a willingness to study, research, and teach. :)