Would you switch congregations over music?

[shinyhappypeople]

Let's say hypothetically *cough cough* you've been attending a very small church (about 75 people total, incl. children) for about 3 years.  There is a lot to like about this place. Teaching is mainstream, thoroughly Biblical.  The church really loves the children.  It's pretty old school, but the efforts are genuine. 

 

But, what kills me is the music.  I feel like a JERK for letting this get to me like it does, but it's driving me crazy.  I don't care at all about the music style; I like everything.  What I care about is that the music is so poorly executed that it's a complete distraction. Imagine 4 or 5 vocalists all singing in 4 or 5  different keys and there you go.

 

In their defense, these are the people who have invested their time and energy and have stepped up to do it. Their hearts are in the right place.  I truly believe that God is pleased with their worship because it comes from a good place, you know?  However, I'm really, really struggling.  I can't concentrate on worshiping God because I find the music (esp. vocals) so distractingly bad. It's not just "average" or "so-so."  The vocals are awful.

 

My kids don't want to switch congregations.  They love it there, love their friends, love their SS teachers and pretty much everything else about this church.  It's ME who has the problem.  

 

When you combine that with the music issue with the fact that there are very few other adults in the same "life stage" as I am (still raising kids) and I just feel sad and a little out of place there.  It's like having a pair of really beautiful shoes that just.doesn't.fit.  That's how I feel.  

 

Maybe the music wouldn't bother me so much if I felt more at home in other ways.  I just really, really want to leave.  Not leave with hard feelings, just leave because I need a spiritual home and, as much as I like the people and as much as I appreciate the church's strengths, it's just not feeling like home to me.  I feel sad when I think about going to church - even though I like the people there.

 

My other thought is that there would probably be more younger families if they'd address the music issue.  The powers that be are aware of the problem, though they almost never make mention of it, and always praise the hearts and efforts of the worship leaders.  However, what can they do?  It's a small congregation and there just aren't many decent musicians there.  They have a small pool to choose from, kwim?

 

So, WWYD?

 

Please be gentle.  Thanks....

[Guest]

Our church is bigger....around 300 or so every Sunday, but there is the struggle over music here also.  Usually, the ones that don't like the worship style will hang out in the coffee house part of the church until time for communion.  They come in quietly and no one really notices.

[NoseInABook]

...

Maybe the music wouldn't bother me so much if I felt more at home in other ways.  I just really, really want to leave.  Not leave with hard feelings, just leave because I need a spiritual home and, as much as I like the people and as much as I appreciate the church's strengths, it's just not feeling like home to me.  I feel sad when I think about going to church - even though I like the people there.

 

....

That tells me that you need to find a new church. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or sad going to church. If you do, it's not the right place for you. 

[Goldilocks]

You might not want to hear this, but....no.

Sounds like you have it pretty good. You are being taught God's Word and you are part of a church family that loves you and your children. There is always something not to like about a church, and in this case it's kind of big, but not something that could never change. You could pray that it will change, or that your feelings and distraction due to it will change.

[Elisabet1]

I have visited churches and did not return over music before. But that is when they treat the music like a rock concert rather than a church. I know it is some people's thing, but not mine. I like hymns.

[Princess Ariel]

Yes, I would. Music is one of the ways I pray/worship  best. But I have a lot of choices where I live and it may be easier for me to find a church that meets my expectations.  I happen to really love the music at my church and along with everything else I find there, I am very happy to call it home. Good luck with your decision!  

[Word Nerd]

I understand completely and have castigated myself before for being petty and feeling like Simon Cowell during a worship service. But it is distracting when song leaders can't stay on key, have no rhythm, or when bassists play random chords that may as well be from a different song entirely. I don't think it's enough for me to justify changing congregations over, but it's not a simple matter to ignore it either. I don't have an answer, but I do get where you're coming from.

[Jenny in Florida]

It's rough. I had the same issue with the church I attended until a few years ago. It wasn't "the reason" I stopped attending, but it was something that got in the way of the worship for me.

 

The only thing that made it tolerable for me was to allow myself to zone out during the music. I would take that time to very carefully read the order of service, for example, or to lose myself in contemplating the symbolism of the stained glass window or another piece of art . . . 

 

It worked for me as long as the music was the only serious issue.

[abba12]

I totally get it, I can't stand tone deaf church musicians! I am visually impaired so I think it bothers me more than most. I find for me the worship service to be the most important part of the church session.

 

I wouldn't leave if it were the ONLY issue, but it doesn't sound like it is in your case. It sounds like the bigger issue is that you aren't finding a community there. In that case, you need to determine what the purpose of church is for your family and whether this meets your needs.

 

For example, for some people the primary purpose of attending church is the teaching. Others find that they learn more elsewhere/in their own study and church has other purposes (we see this in the difference between churches which teach in depth on a sunday, and churches who preach a basic sermon with a salvation message every sunday)

 

For some people church is about joining with fellow believers on a regular basis (and within this group, some believe the connection as christians is enough while others look for a church family community that they really fit into) while others will leave as soon as the service finishes, believing the service was the purpose and the community is an added extra.

 

Some go to church primarily for the prayer and worship, almost like a time of meditation, while others are less emotional/spiritual and see those bits as a struggle.

 

Some people go to church in a very formal, theological sense, and are involved with the leadership, membership, budgeting and other formal, behind the scenes stuff that many people like to forget exists within churches. These people tend to show up every week rain, hail or shine. (lots of these in my husbands old Presbyterian church! The mens meeting was a huge theology-fest each month apparently, as most of the older men were well studied with some form of theological degree. And yet the teaching from the pulpit each sunday was... well, mediocre. But they didn't need the sunday teaching, it wasn't of highest importance to them because obviously they believe that we should be studying on our own far deeper than sunday goes, and they saw sunday as a time mostly for new believers.)

 

And there are other things individual families may consider important that I haven't even thought about. Everyones priorities and values are different. Now, ideally a church will address all areas, but few do. So we have to decide why WE attend church. I think God intended for church to be different for different people, and even people in different stages of life. Surely the experience of church as a teen is very different to a young mother of toddlers, who is very different to an older widow. As long as we are attending somewhere, and throwing ourselves wholeheartedly into wherever we are, I think God is happy with that, and I don't think it is selfish or sinful to be a little picky and choosy about a church (I have had some heated debates about this one!)

 

For my family, personally, we left a church with amazing teaching and music last year. We hated to do it but we realized we weren't getting what we needed or serving the other church members. We originally chose it because of the teaching and the community outreach but our presence there was fairly pointless. We found that a church community was important. As homeschoolers and with me unable to drive, social connections with other children and families was something we needed to get into our lives and our old church was 45 minutes away, none of the families there had any interest in driving out to us, and we couldn't attend many of their events. After a year there I still had no one I could consider a friend, and call out of the blue to chat. Our current church has lots of kids and an amazing kids sunday school that converted my firmly Family Intergrated Church husband into a sunday school supporter (at least for the younger ones).

 

We also realized that teaching, at this stage in our lives, was less important because, honestly, the number of times I am able to remain in the sermon the whole time is about once a month, in between my turn on the creche roster, tending to a baby, being pregnant, etc. And my husband suffers sleep issues which means he struggles to concentrate for more than 10 minutes in service before falling asleep (not out of rudeness, he has the same issue with driving, it's the sitting still with a single focus that does it). Teaching will be much more important for us as our children get older, we know we want our teens in a church with solid teaching but, for now, as long as it's biblical it's enough. Worship, on the other hand, is extremely important to me and one of the few ways the little ones can connect with the church as a whole. This church has fairly good worship and music, not amazing but definitely passable compared to some of what I have seen. They do have some flaws as a church, they are controversial in the community due to a big church split a number of years ago (it's a small town) and we know some families who won't attend there for a few reasons, but it meets our needs of a church, which are primarily community, and secondly worship/music/prayer, so we overlook the other issues. But other families have other needs, priorities and values. If you value good deep teaching on sunday above all else because you're, say, a busy mum who doesn't get a chance to study yourself, then I would absolutely understand why you shouldn't attend my church. I would recommend the one 10 mins away with excellent teaching but not many families for example.

 

So, my suggestion is to sit down and examine why YOU attend church, and why YOUR FAMILY attend church right now, and whether this church fits those priorities.

[Liz CA]

I wouldn't change over music, however, I am a left brain person and care more about the message/teaching than the music. Having said that, I can understand that it can be a pebble in the shoe...so can you metaphorically plug your ears and buy awesome worship CDs which you play at home and worship?

 

It sounds like you like everything else about this church so it seems music is not the hill to die on IMHO.

[Tenaj]

Can you sing?  Can your children?  Can your husband?  Does anyone in your family play a musical instrument?  Volunteer to help with the music program. 

 

I'm guessing that if the music is that bad, the people involved in it know it but it's something that needs to be done, so they do it.  If you have the potential to improve the program, step in and help out, even if you've never sung before.  It might give you a greater appreciation for what they go through . . . it's not easy to be up in front of people every Sunday, especially knowing that you are inadequate to the task - ask me how I know!  

 

No, I wouldn't leave a congregation, especially a small one, over this issue.

 

[PrincessMommy]

I understand completely and have castigated myself before for being petty and feeling like Simon Cowell during a worship service. But it is distracting when song leaders can't stay on key, have no rhythm, or when bassists play random chords that may as well be from a different song entirely. I don't think it's enough for me to justify changing congregations over, but it's not a simple matter to ignore it either. I don't have an answer, but I do get where you're coming from.

 

I feel the same way sometimes too. 

 

It's a hard call OP... because music is so important and when it's badly done, it can be very distracting.  It does sound like you've got a lot of good things about your church, but it would be a hard call over something as important as the music.  Is there any way you can talk with the pastor or choir director?

[Dmmetler]

I actually did because the church shifted to a praise-band style, which send my hyper-sensory child through the roof. I'd rather participate in a service all the way through and that she can participate in as well, then have to spend half the service outside  the sanctuary because my child is in pain because of the sound of the music. Plus I really like the more traditional hymns and find a lot of meat and meaning to them, as opposed to the praise songs, which, while they can be pretty, are basically bubblegum pop, with a few words repeated a lot of times.

 

 

[milovany]

That tells me that you need to find a new church. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or sad going to church. If you do, it's not the right place for you. 

 

Agreeing with this .... ShinyHappy, is this is the crux of your post.

[Joyofsixreboot]

In a similar place.  We have a very small country church that INSISTS on singing old hymns.  Not my cup of tea and is quickly turning my children off church completely.  I can't help feel it's petty but I need to think of my kids too.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I actually did because the church shifted to a praise-band style, which send my hyper-sensory child through the roof. I'd rather participate in a service all the way through and that she can participate in as well, then have to spend half the service outside  the sanctuary because my child is in pain because of the sound of the music. Plus I really like the more traditional hymns and find a lot of meat and meaning to them, as opposed to the praise songs, which, while they can be pretty, are basically bubblegum pop, with a few words repeated a lot of times.

LOL, we need to switch churches :laugh:

[lmrich]

Reading your post, it sounds like it may be just more than the music.

 

I would change for the music. I can not sing well, but I am deeply moved by musical worship.

[wintermom]

I'd probably suffer through if everyone else in my family loved the church. If dh was interested in exploring new churches, I'd start looking at something that's a good fit for the whole family.

 

You could try getting involved in the music at your church if you have a background, though I find it worse trying sing standing right next to someone who is off-key. Making music in church can be a very challenging area with people. Issues to deal with include choosing music or even the key to play it in according to personal taste and ability of the music leader, and there is some ego involved (it is very tough to get up and sing in front of others, and no one enjoys hearing that their efforts aren't appreciated).

 

Our new pastor hired a young musician from a Christian youth organization to lead the music at one service, and from there gradually build up a small, quality choir/group. It meant putting a few of the former choir leaders' and members' noses out of joint a little, and some of them left the church. More new people have come to the church, though.

[chicagoshannon]

Can you volunteer to help in some way? If you aren't a singer, can you suggest not having worship leaders? I always find that whole thing distracting anyway(and am so glad our church doesn't have them!)

 

That being said if you feel sad going to church and dread going its worth it to at least try another church. We were members of a church for 10 years(my husband closer to 15). Some things happened and we both just dreaded going every week. We found a new church last summer and have found our home. Our daughter had a hard time at first and still talks about our old church. She didn't want to leave but is doing really well with it now.

[73349]

In your shoes, I'd at least visit some other options.

[marbel]

I agree with those who say you should not feel sad going to church.  I think the music is not the real issue.   I think you are lonely at church because there are few adults and (it seems) none that you click with. 

 

Are there other churches with similar doctrine that you could check out?  Does your husband go to this church; does he like it?  What does he say?

 

Do you get a lot of visitors to the church who don't come back?   Is there a feedback loop so that church leadership can find out why they aren't coming back? 

 

I understand music can be a problem but a 75-person congregation has limited options for improving it. 

 

I'm sorry; you are in a tough spot.

 

 

[trulycrabby]

We all have our own special ways to connect with G_d, and if the music prevents this, then I would look at some other churches. Your children like where they are, but chances are they would like another church, too.

 

If the kids do not like any of the new churches, and/or you don't find another one you like better, then you might have more internal peace if you decide to stay at this one.

[DawnM]

This reason alone would keep me there.

 

 

 

 

My kids don't want to switch congregations.  They love it there, love their friends, love their SS teachers and pretty much everything else about this church.  It's ME who has the problem.  

 

 

 

[J-rap]

I would not leave it.  (And believe me, I understand your situation!  ;))

 

As long as I felt it was a healthy environment for my kids (and agreed with the teaching, of course) and they enjoyed it there so much, I'd stay.

 

My take on it is this.  Since I only have the kids for a limited amount of years and want to build up their faith during that time, if this is a place that helps with that and they enjoy it so much, I'd stay there for that reason alone.

 

Maybe you could find a Bible Study (even at a different church?) or something else you could get involved in that would be worthwhile for YOU! 

 

 

[flyingiguana]

I left over music.  But it was the final straw.  My kids didn't want to go anymore because there just wasn't anything for them to do there.  At one point, my daughter was being asked to play and sing, and that was keeping her engaged.  But then the person organizing the music left, someone new took over, and my daughter was no longer asked to do this (for the record, she was told by the previous music organizer that she was one of the better musicians...)

 

Once my kids didn't want to go any more, and my husband stopped going because of sleep issues and work, I discovered that all those people who used to talk to me, just didn't talk to me anymore.  Even when I cheerily tried to start conversations.  So I felt like I was just filling a seat, and the music either wasn't all that inspiring or was nonexistent -- because the new person in charge of music had made the decision that speaking psalms was way better than singing them, and was generally taking music out of the service as much as she could.

 

I haven't explored other options.  I feel a bit defeated so I don't even want to try.

[solascriptura]

No, I wouldn't. If I was the only factor, I wouldn't. If it is a good Bible believing church with good fellowship, I would not make such a move. I would get some good worship music to play at home and in the car.

[brehon]

I agree with milovany and NiaB. Sounds like the music is the obvious "straw" and there are other, deeper reasons you feel you need to move on.

 

To answer your question, though, as cerebral as I am, yes, I would leave a church if none of the services at a church offered music that was *at least* not distracting. Music should only enhance worship, never detract from it.

 

I feel fairly certain that the the verse should have been translated as "Make an harmonious noise unto The Lord." ;)

 

 

 

 

j/k ... Sort of

[Sabah]

Our family would keep looking if the adults weren't feeling a good fit, even if the kids love it. Before we found our current church home, music didn't seem as important. Now when we visit a church while we're out of town, I find myself cringing inside and I do find it very distracting. 

[MysteryJen]

We did. Dh was absolutely unable to overlook bad music. It didn't work out perfectly, but he is much happier. And our kids weren't involved in the decision because they were  young.

 

I think that for some people, they are not capable of screening out bad music, no matter how good everything else might be.

 

[Myeightkiddies]

Perhaps you should visit some other churches of interest.  It may help you decide.  As far as the children are concerned, when questioned, most will say that they love their church because they have friends.  If a new church had a lot of children and a healthy kids/youth program, they will probably love it as much or more.  It's hard to say.  The only way to know is to visit and see.  I've had children who loved a particular church only to love another one more - quickly too.

[Susan in TN]

If my kids loved it and everything else was fine (doctrine, teaching, etc), I would stay and find some way to help make changes or make peace with the difficulty (like pretend I'm in a church in the Wild West mid-1800s). I'm a musician and don't take the music issue lightly, but I also offer a lot of grace for those who have a heart to minister even though they haven't had professional training.

[shinyhappypeople]

If my kids loved it and everything else was fine (doctrine, teaching, etc), I would stay and find some way to help make changes or make peace with the difficulty (like pretend I'm in a church in the Wild West mid-1800s). I'm a musician and don't take the music issue lightly, but I also offer a lot of grace for those who have a heart to minister even though they haven't had professional training.

 

Your response made me smile :)

 

My husband can only attend church once in a blue moon (scheduling conflicts).  He's a gifted musician and played professionally for years.  His response is very much like yours.  He is so kind and gracious towards the worship team.  All he'll say is that CCM isn't really his cup of tea (too simple, musically speaking), but he knows God is pleased with their worship, so that's what he focuses on.  

 

I tease him that I want to be more like him when I grow up. :)

[shinyhappypeople]

ear plugs?

 

You are a bad influence.

 

:)

[bolt.]

I make church choices with the following matrix:

 

1. What is happening that enhances and expressed faith -- how does it meet the needs of my family: in priority, prioritizing the ones whose faith is most vulnerable.

 

2. What is happening that includes people in relationships, preferably including opportunities to serve / contribute: in priority, prioritizing both those who need relationships the most, followed by those who have the most to offer and gain joy from doing so.

 

So to apply that to your situation:

 

1.

- Is anyone (including yourself) struggling with their faith, or a new-ish believer? If so, the things that fit with their way of learning, growing and expressing faith are most important.

- After that: make sure that all family members are at least somewhat capable if learning, growing and expressing faith in that congregation. (If not, that's a veto.)

- After that, what fits with your teenagers (if any)? (Not nessisarily 'what they like' -- though that is a part if it, but more of what is actually working out well for their faith life.

- oh, also anyone who is not a believer but willing to come and participate would fit in about here.

- After that, what fits for younger kids?

- After that, what fits for spiritually stable adults?

 

2.

- Is anyone in your family (including yourself) genuinely isolated or without healthy relationships outside of church? If so, that person's relational needs get top priority.

- After that: make sure all family members (including yourself) feel included and involved or at least warm and welcomed. (If not, that's a veto.)

- After that consider the fit for involvement of anyone gifted or called to a ministry, or anyone with a volunteer role.

- After that consider overall preferences and experiences that are about the way ministry is done there.

- After that consider the general warmth and comfort of each person in the social mix.

 

Once you have a good view of things through this matrix (both 1 and 2 at the samd time) it will help you see what you might tweak to improve some things for some family members, and what you might overlook for the sake if other things.

[Jennifer132]

I wouldn't change over music that was awful, (though I would change over music that had lyrics that weren't theologically sound, something I have experienced before when visiting churches). However, you're saying you are not connected there, and don't see much potential to connect. To me, that is a much bigger issue than the music issue. So based on that, I would start looking for a new church (assuming you have given trying to connect a go). Connection is so important, and it changes the whole feeling of going to church. I would not feel bad about changing over that. And I think most children can make friends wherever they go.

[Entropymama]

I have visited churches and did not return over music before. But that is when they treat the music like a rock concert rather than a church. I know it is some people's thing, but not mine. I like hymns.

 

I think it feels different when you're committed already, rather than when you're looking for a church home. 

 

 

I'd probably suffer through if everyone else in my family loved the church. If dh was interested in exploring new churches, I'd start looking at something that's a good fit for the whole family.

 

You could try getting involved in the music at your church if you have a background, though I find it worse trying sing standing right next to someone who is off-key. Making music in church can be a very challenging area with people. Issues to deal with include choosing music or even the key to play it in according to personal taste and ability of the music leader, and there is some ego involved (it is very tough to get up and sing in front of others, and no one enjoys hearing that their efforts aren't appreciated).

 

Our new pastor hired a young musician from a Christian youth organization to lead the music at one service, and from there gradually build up a small, quality choir/group. It meant putting a few of the former choir leaders' and members' noses out of joint a little, and some of them left the church. More new people have come to the church, though.

 

The bolded happens all the time. The deacon's wife or elder's son wants to get into worship and there's no one else to do it so they're allowed even though they aren't very talented. Then it gets to a point where if you ask them to step down they'll get upset and possibly leave the church. Sometimes the leadership decides that it isn't worth the conflict to fix the issue. I'd maybe feel it out and see if this is the case. If it is, that's a leadership issue and combined with the other issues you've mentioned might be reason to leave. If it's really just a lack of talent, start praying in some good singers! Give it six months and see what happens. Get involved if you feel comfortable. Even something simple like mentioning to the right person that you know someone who's a great musician and could help out (if you know of such a person) might get the ball rolling. 

 

Otherwise, you could always hang out in the lobby during the music and slip in for the message. Or volunteer with the children's ministry and get the message on CD to listen to later.