How much would you spend on hockey?

[Haiku]

So, there's this hypothetical family that is having a hypothetical conversation about their hypothetical son's hockey career.

 

Pertinent hypothetical information:

 

1. The child was adopted and has had multiple health and learning problems.

2. The child is a hockey prodigy and has already been scouted by several elite-level organizations.

3. The child has played elite-level hockey for a tournament-only team and has proven himself capable of playing on level with the most highly-skilled players in the nation.

4. The family can afford to spend multiple thousands of dollars on the child's hockey.

5. The family's life would revolve around this child's hockey schedule.

6. The family would, over the next 8 years, spend as much money on hockey as they would on college tuition.

7. The child is currently 11 years old.

8. One parents feels that the parents owe the child the opportunity to go as far as possible in hockey, even at the expense of price and convenience to the family.

9. One parent feels that the overall family lifestyle should take precedence.

10. Neither parent is under the delusion that the child would end up in the NHL; the elite-level hockey experience would be valuable in its own right, even if it never led to college scholarships or professional hockey.

[Starr]

We went with the family plan. 

[Tmhearn]

You didn't mention if there were siblings or how they would be affected. That would certainly affect my response. But, in general, I'm not a fan of one person's activity dictating the lifestyle of an entire family.

[snowbeltmom]

What does the child want to do? 

 

I would be concerned about the long term effect on the parent's marriage with item 8 and 9 on your list. 

 

If the child wants to pursue the elite hockey at this age, would you permit him to quit if he decided as a teenager he would rather hang out with his friends than spend time on the ice?

 

I have seen more than one parent-child relationship destroyed when the child wants to quit his sport as a teenager.  The parent(s) are resentful because they have sunk so much time and money into the sport that they won't let the child quit. 

[Amy in NH]

I think it is the responsibility of parents to cultivate to the best of their ability the interests and goals of their children, especially where a child has an amazing talent.  For me, the answer to this question depends on how much the family can financially afford.

[Carrie12345]

I voted 2,001-4,000 and no.

 

We don't really have hockey opportunities here, but dh grew up playing ice and roller. I understand the expense.  If we could do it, and the child deeply wanted it, we would.  But I don't feel it's an *obligation.

 

ETA: My 5 kids get dragged around to everyone's "boring" stuff.  My take is that it's the price of everyone's needs being met.  So I'd never do it if it meant tabling other people's needs.  I'd just assume I'd have to work harder and be more creative to make sure no one falls through the cracks.

[Rebel Yell]

I voted "$0-$2,000" only because our budget for this activity would be about $50.00. If our circumstances were different, from a financial standpoint only, I would spend as much money as we were able so long as it did not affect the rest of the family and future savings- meaning, sibligs would not go from shopping at Macy's to $5 bag day at the thrift store just to finance a sibling's activity.

 

I also would not do it at all if it would wreck the lives/activities of siblings. If their lives could go on pretty close to "as normal" then fine. If they couldn't do their preferred activities or even stay home alone (due to age, preference, etc.) because Elite Child's schedule rules over all, then no. I would demand no more participation from siblings beyond attendance at a championship game or major award presentation- not drag the siblings to evey practice and game- unless they wish to be there.

 

Your 8 & 9 concern me deeply. I have seen marriages/families torn apart in similar situations.

 

Proceed with caution!

[bettyandbob]

Well if money is not an issue, one could add to the general costs a nanny/driver who main job is to take hockey kid to and from practice and all nongame events. Then mom and dad could alternate games travel. Thus, minimizing impact on other children. Further, if additional money is not already being spent on general things like house cleaning, yard maintenance, then spend money on that too, so there is more time to devote to family pursuits.

 

Money doesn't do everything, but if you have it, it can be used to buy time by paying for things you would normally do that you don't think are related to the activity that is the big drain on time.

[Annie G]

I can't give a number because you say the family can afford to spend thousands on this activity.  Since I have no idea what hockey even costs, I have no idea how to even contemplate what I would pay. 

 

Our oldest wanted to be a competitive gymnast and it became an issue because her expenses/parent involvement left little for her 3 siblings and we didn't feel that was fair. Fast forward ten years and our youngest two (who were the only ones left at home) wanted to be heavily involved in musical theater. We committed to that even though it was a HUGE expense in both time and money.  We could better afford it then and we weren't neglecting other siblings to pursue theater. 

 

The biggest issue I see is the parents being on two different pages.  That could be tricky, but if the more reluctant one would agree to a one year (season? I have no clue how elite hockey works) trial, then it might be good for the child.  I've seen so many kids who struggle with school but once they find their 'thing' school seems to be easier to manage.   Our theater program always emphasized to parents that they might want to make theater participation conditional  to acceptable schoolwork effort. Not grades, but effort.  It worked so many times! 

 

I wouldn't decide that a family has to commit to this for years. The other kids might catch up, or the prodigy child may stop loving hockey. Take it a season at a time. 

[AK_Mom4]

We have actually know a couple of families that have gone down this road.  5am ice time, expensive gear, travel fees.  Hockey is a big dollar item.  Then, the cost of sending these kids off to private hockey boarding school for high school in Canada or Minnesota.  The dollars add up quick and it takes a big sacrifice of time for at least one parent taking the kid to games, practices, events.

 

Each of our kids in high school has had one big-dollar event.  Oldest was on  a traveling baseball team one year, DD20 played on a travel softball team and DS18 went to the east coast on a boy scout thing.  We saved and scrimped to make it happen.  So, yes sometimes those extra things are priorities. 

 

We have four kids and have to balance things out.  If we just had one and he/she had a real passion for hockey, then - yes I could see spending more ad sinking more time into it.

[Haiku]

Thanks to those who have responded. I'm not worried about this hypothetical marriage; neither parent is wedded to their belief on what should be done. The discussions just start from a place of each parent holding their opinion in general. The parent who is in favor of the $7-$11,000 elite team also realizes it is an obscene amout of money and that it may ultimately not be the best thing to get into. It's not an acrimonious debate. It's more of a tossing out of ideas and pondering where to go from here.

 

The hypothetical family does have a deadline by which a hypothetical decision must be made. The deadline is rapidly approaching. The hypothetical parent who is posting about this here is pretty sure that, hypothetically, her opinion will win out ... at least for the time being.

 

Btw, if said child eventually decided to quit hockey, both parents are fine with that. Each parent agrees that, were they to underwrite such an expensive endeavor, it would be with the understanding that nothing is expected in return beyond the child having an enjoyable experience. Neither parent is willing to be "that parent" who pushes their child beyind his interest and enjoyment level.

[MEmama]

We have a son who is involved in a number of sports, including hockey. My take is 1. Family balance, then 2. Extracurriculars (first as a family and then as individual pursuits). I do not view it as my obligation to spend uncontrolled amounts of money, time, and energy on a child's every whim or desire. As a functional member of my family, I have the equal right to pursue my own interests, and in the interest of remaining a strong family unit, we also must reserve the time and energy to pursue activities together. My life will not be controlled by preteen desires. If that sounds harsh, it's because I'm learning how to reclaim the balance in our family, particularly during hockey season. It doesn't hurt a child to play house instead of travel, or to miss games here and there for other family adventures (or even just cause mama needs a break from stinky locker rooms). I worry about the kids who get too serious about any one sport at such a young age; I've seen it happen and seen the fall out and it's pretty heartbreaking. And taking it so seriously can have enormous impact on a marriage as well as other family dynamics, for many reasons. So honestly, I wouldn't pay for the elite program, though I do get paying quite a bit for a sport the child is passionate about. I just think limits are healthy, and I know everyone in my family is happier when our lives have balance.

 

Good luck. It's a big decision.

[Megbo]

We're a hockey family. :)

 

The biggest thing that stood out to me from your list was that the family's life would revolve around this child's hockey schedule. I don't think this has to be the case. Dh and I both grew up playing hockey and attended college on athletic scholarships. Neither of our families' lives revolved around us, or around hockey. We each had one parent - our fathers - who loved hockey and truly enjoyed taking us to every single practice, game, tournament and camp. Our mothers and siblings just went on with their busy lives and were only dragged along to a handful of championship games. My younger sister was in a choir that travelled around the world, so my mother traveled with her. My two older sisters did a bit of everything. If one of them had an important basketball game or dance recital, I'd catch a ride to hockey with a friend so my dad could watch them. I rarely played in the summers, and we spent our summers camping, traveling, playing soccer and hanging out by the pool. Right now, we're somewhere between that type of balance and having our lives revolve around Dss's hockey, because Dh and I both love watching him play, and our younger boys aren't into any time-consuming activities yet. When they start to develop serious interests, I'm sure we'll have some juggling to do.

 

What we're more worried about is keeping balance in Dss's life. He plays on a AAA team with a fairly heavy travel schedule, so we're keeping "extras" to a minimum so that he can still play a few other sports, take music lessons, and occasionally read a book... 

 

At 11, making the decision not to pursue a $10 000 hockey team is not exactly a career killer. My younger sister once dated a guy who started playing hockey at 11, switched to goalie at 12, and ended up in the KHL. 

[momto10blessings]

Well, if money was not a problem I would sign him up. BUT only if I could find a way to not let it take over the family... Carpools, parents taking turns with practices and games... Whatever it takes

[zimom]

..

[Haiku]

The schedule for the AAA team we are looking at would require three weekday practices, two high-performance weekends a month (sometimes in our city, sometimes in cities 1-3 hours from us) and one weekend of tournament-style games (mostly 2-4 hours away from us). As our dd also plays hockey, but would be on a different team, our family would be pursuing separate agendas most of the time from August - March. One parent feels that does indeed mean our life would revolve around the demands of ds's hockey. One parent feels this is too much time apart for our family.

 

I appreciate your post, though. It's good to hear from another AAA family.

[Alessandra]

I don't know much about hockey, but I am linking to two articles about a family in New Jersey that built their own $10 million, 16,000 sq ft indoor hockey rink.

 

http://www.northjersey.com/news/neighbors-face-off-over-hockey-rink-1.194430?page=all

 

http://www.northjersey.com/news/hockey-fan-cleared-to-build-indoor-rink-1.214895

 

I did not answer the poll, because personally I would not even introduce dc to such an expensive sport. So my answer would be $0. But, taking into consideration #1 and #4 above, it sounds like the parents are doing wonderful things for their son. They may find a whole new social life with other hockey parents.

 

So, if I were voting on how much they should spend, I'd say, go ahead and spend what it takes. This would go double if they lived in Canada or someplace else where ice hockey was almost mandatory.

[Hoot]

For me, the overall health of the family would take precedence over a single person monopolizing all of the time, money, and energy of everyone else. 

[LMV]

So, there's this hypothetical family that is having a hypothetical conversation about their hypothetical son's hockey career.

 

Pertinent hypothetical information:

 

1. The child was adopted and has had multiple health and learning problems.

2. The child is a hockey prodigy and has already been scouted by several elite-level organizations.

3. The child has played elite-level hockey for a tournament-only team and has proven himself capable of playing on level with the most highly-skilled players in the nation.

4. The family can afford to spend multiple thousands of dollars on the child's hockey.

5. The family's life would revolve around this child's hockey schedule.

6. The family would, over the next 8 years, spend as much money on hockey as they would on college tuition.

7. The child is currently 11 years old.

8. One parents feels that the parents owe the child the opportunity to go as far as possible in hockey, even at the expense of price and convenience to the family.

9. One parent feels that the overall family lifestyle should take precedence.

10. Neither parent is under the delusion that the child would end up in the NHL; the elite-level hockey experience would be valuable in its own right, even if it never led to college scholarships or professional hockey.

 

I'll be honest and say that spending >$10k on a child's sport would be less of an issue for us than the idea that our entire family's life would need to revolve around one child's sport.  We can afford to spend the money but we can't really wrap our heads or hearts around sacrificing our family in that way.  

 

I'm well aware that we have probably spent almost as much on our daughter's pre-collegiate soccer experience as she is earning in college scholarships playing soccer in a D1 collegiate program.  We've never deluded ourselves otherwise and we always ensured that we didn't sacrifice putting money in her college fund to pay for soccer.  We hope this made it very clear to her that soccer was her sport on her terms and that she could (and technically still can) walk away at any time if she really believed that was the right decision. Having said that, we do believe that she benefitted from playing soccer in many ways.  We fully acknowledge that she learned some important life lessons on the soccer field but we've never believed that was the only venue (or perhaps even the best venue) for those lessons. We're very proud of what our daughter has accomplished in soccer but more proud of the young women she has become.  Soccer is just a piece of that and just a piece of her life.  It has become a piece of our lives because she is our daughter who we love and support but she is not an only child.  We also love and support her siblings as they live their lives and chase their dreams.  We certainly missed soccer tournaments and even sent her to national team selection and player pool camps without us because we had work commitments, her siblings needed us, or some combination there of.

 

Our fourteen year old is a L10 gymnast and we spend around $4000/year just on tuition.  When we add on USAG fees, meet fees, and travel for her and our family to attend meets (often requiring plane travel) we get very close to that hypothetical $10k.  We probably would go over it if I added in the cost of leotards, grips, and some other expenses I don't completely think of as gymnastic related but truly are.  Our fourteen year old is also not an only child and we do not live near a gym where she can safely train elite and presently we've decided that we can't uproot the whole family, or allow her to live independently to allow for that.  This is decision that we revisit each year and part of our hesitancy in the past has been her health and to a lesser extent her emotional insecurity.  Like your son, she is adopted and we're still dealing with some chronic health issues, and some emotional fallout, related to the abuse she suffered with her biological parents.  I can respect that she loves gymnastics and I will do everything I can to allow her to have that.  But, as her mom, I have to also look at the costs of that for her health and the impact of decisions we make in the context of her relationship with us and her siblings.  Right now allowing her to train more than twenty hours a week would be risky so we won't.  Allowing her to live independent of the family feels wrong as well so we really would have to move to allow this and that just isn't a good choice for our family now.  Perhaps things will be different in another year.  Or perhaps she will just have four more successful L10 years and then have a fun and successful college career.  Perhaps if all of that really happens and she is healthy and well adjusted she will be in position to explore a post-collegiate elite career. Women have done this in the past.  Perhaps the best way we support her towards that end is to ensure that her physical and emotional health are priorities now. 

[Haiku]

There is, actually, a difference of opinion in the house between the adults as to whether the AAA hockey team schedule would actually require our life to revolve around it. One parent feels that it would. The other feels that, as the children will be playing on separate travel teams this year anyway (which will be the first year they have done so), we will spend much time going in opposite directions, anyway. I suppose it is something for which we won't know the true answer unless we tried it. I included #5 in my list because it is an issue for one parent if not for the other.

 

The two (purely hypothetical, mind you) parents have been texting all day about this issue and seem to be coming to a common consensus on which route they will, hypothetically speaking, take.

[Danestress]

I guess part of the question for me is whether the parents will enjoy the experience. We have a son who plays competitive tennis and have had periods in which we traveled a lot. Often over holidays.

 

It has been expensive, but we have mostly really enjoyed it. Both of us like traveling with him. That one on one time on the road, in hotels etc has been very sweet over all, and the parent who stays home with his sibling also enjoys that time. I doubt I would enjoy a team sport though - staying in hotels or eating with a team would not be fun for me.

 

When I look back, some of my most precious memories will involve these times. Someday he will be married and I may never take a trip with him again, just the two of us. We have had painful losses, fabulous wins, and I love my tennis Mom friends.

 

So for us, it's not like our whole family suffered so that he could play. It has been expensive and difficult at times, but I never wish we had done it differently.

 

Do you enjoy this? Does your husband? Do your other children enjoy the weekends at home or on the road?

[Ravin]

If the family can afford it, my main concern then would be balance--both for the hockey kid and for the family as a whole. I'd want the kid to do other things in the off season, and there needs to be time for siblings' interests and pursuits--AND parental interests and pursuits. 

[Crimson Wife]

At $11k per year and requiring the family's life to revolve around the sport, I would make 100% sure the child knows that once he/she commits to this sport/extracurricular, there is NO quitting except for injury or not making the next level (e.g. the varsity high school athlete who doesn't make a college team, collegiate athlete who doesn't make the pros, etc.)

 

You want an activity that you can just walk away from whenever you get tired of it? Pick something inexpensive and logistically easy.

[Haiku]

He can quit any time he wants. Sports are supposed to be fun. And at the Tier 1 Elite AAA level, there is no "next level" unless he joins a Juniors-level team at 17-ish or plays for a college team. I don't expect him to make that commitment at 11.

[WishboneDawn]

nm

[Audrey]

At $11k per year and requiring the family's life to revolve around the sport, I would make 100% sure the child knows that once he/she commits to this sport/extracurricular, there is NO quitting except for injury or not making the next level (e.g. the varsity high school athlete who doesn't make a college team, collegiate athlete who doesn't make the pros, etc.)

 

You want an activity that you can just walk away from whenever you get tired of it? Pick something inexpensive and logistically easy.

I absolutely agree.  The child should understand the commitment that is being made to him and that it is not something frivolous.  $11K/yr is not for fluff and fun times.  That is a serious undertaking.  I would expect serious dedication from the child.

[Jan in SC]

We would do it. Well, we sure would give it a go for a season. We encourage our children to develop passions and we would try our best, as a family, to support them.

[wapiti]

8. One parents feels that the parents owe the child the opportunity to go as far as possible in hockey, even at the expense of price and convenience to the family.

...

10. Neither parent is under the delusion that the child would end up in the NHL; the elite-level hockey experience would be valuable in its own right, even if it never led to college scholarships or professional hockey.

 

FWIW, I would be much more specific about the intrinsic value of going as far as possible in hockey - what does that mean for the child's personal development and how is that better than the value the child has already obtained.  Then, I'd weigh that value of increased personal development against the non-monetary cost to the rest of the family.

 

If there were a significant upside for college admissions, that might be another factor.  (The hockey guys at my college generally were not known for their academics.  Hockey is the reason they were able to attend this particular college.)

[unsinkable]

$7000 to $11,000 a year is NOT much to spend on elite level hockey.

 

If you are going to do, 11 is the age to do it. Boys make huge athletic strides between 11and 14 and it'd be smarter to spend the money early because once the talent gap widens, the kid won't catch up.

 

Goalies cost a boatload more money, from equipment to private coaches. You need to take goalies to weekly goalie specific training, and camps in the summer. Most teams/coaches are not equipped to train an elite goalie. Goalies can also benefit from a sports psychologist. It is as much or more of a "mind game" position, much like a pitcher is in baseball.

 

If my child had the talent, and our family had the money, I'd do it.

[Χά�ων]

I hate hockey. My son played travel before switching but yeah I hate the sport. I have seen teens who are goof offs and trouble makers have their life turned around for the better by being allowed to pursue hockey at that level. They learned to focus, school work improved, they matured and all around it made a huge positive impact on their lives. If they do not make the NHL they can coach and make $60+ an hour before the age of 18 and even more depending on their continued education with the sport as an adult.

 

If he loves the sport, the family can afford it I say go for it. There are huge life lessons to be learned by playing at that level.

 

Oh and the schedule of practices and travel does not seem extreme to me.

[Haiku]

Most teams/coaches are not equipped to train an elite goalie. 

 

This particular team has a goalie-specific coach, a guy who played D1 hockey and also played in the minors.

 

If we choose to stick with the local AA team, we will be hiring a goalie coach.

[Haiku]

I absolutely agree.  The child should understand the commitment that is being made to him and that it is not something frivolous.  $11K/yr is not for fluff and fun times.  That is a serious undertaking.  I would expect serious dedication from the child.

 

I understand what you are saying, but my feeling is that if we have the $ and are willing to devote it, and the time, to this child's hockey, we do it with no strings attached. I will not hold it over his head: "Look how much time and money we spent on you!! You owe us something for that!" If we choose to go ahead with it, we go ahead with it so it can be a fun, positive experience for him. That's it. I will not become a hyper-competitive sports mom. The other goalie's mom from my son's AAA tournament team constantly ran her son down to the other parents and criticized her son to his face under the guise that, "We're spending so much money on this, he better get a scholarship!" He was 10. I will never, ever, ever in a billion years do that to my kid, even if I spent a million dollars on his hockey.

[bettyandbob]

The other goalie's mom from my son's AAA tournament team constantly ran her son down to the other parents and criticized her son to his face under the guise that, "We're spending so much money on this, he better get a scholarship!" He was 10. I will never, ever, ever in a billion years do that to my kid, even if I spent a million dollars on his hockey.

 

Yeah, that kid's going to quit. I'm not in hockey, but I've seen parents in other sports and I do not understand this behavior. Are you trying to make the kid hate it? Are you trying to kill the kid's ego? 

 

I think my big problem with sports at this level is not so much family balance as having to be around parents who act like that. 

[unsinkable]

This particular team has a goalie-specific coach, a guy who played D1 hockey and also played in the minors.

 

If we choose to stick with the local AA team, we will be hiring a goalie coach.

In that case, I'd interview him. I'd want to know his philosophy, how he makes the decision on who starts, when does he pull a goalie and why, etc.

 

And I'd DEFINITELY want to know if this guy has a relationship with the other goalie or the other goalie's family.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, just for context, we spend somewhere in the $2,000 - $4,000 range annually for my son's dance stuff. And, to be honest, I would happily spend more, except that we don't have it to spend. In fact, spending what we do is a strain on our finances. But, to me, it is well worth it.

 

And, to a pretty significant degree, our lives have revolved around our kids' activities. At the moment, my son is at his dance school four afternoons/evenings a week for between three and six hours a day. If we're lucky, we might have dinner together as a family one day a week. He had a dance competition on Thanksgiving afternoon, and I have taken him out of town for conventions and competitions three weekends this spring. (I didn't count travel costs in my estimate of annual expenses.)

 

I do absolutely believe that it is appropriate for parents to do as much as they can to encourage and support their children's talents and interests. But note that I said "everything they can," which will, obviously vary significantly from family to family.

[Alice]

The only thing you didn't mention is how the hypothetical siblings might be effected. It sounds like from other posts later in the thread that the sib at home also plays hockey and would likely understand the time commitment and would have her own activities. 

 

The family schedule would concern me more than the money, although I do see it as a lot of money for an activity. I see a lot of kids who have issues in the teen years that stem from one sibling who was given a lot more attention because of a special talent, passion, activity. I'm not sure that it always has to be that way. I don't mean to say that if one child is exceptional at something than it can't be encouraged so as not to make the sibs feel bad. But I think of a family with an elite figure skater whose mother was so invested in the one daughter that the other one was virtually ignored. On the other hand, I've seen families who have one child who has an extraordinary talent and they have managed to encourage that talent while still encouraging the other kids in their equally important but less "elite" pursuits. 

 

I think I'd weigh all those thoughts in my own heads but in the end I might be willing to try it for a season and see how it really impacted our family, with the understanding that it's a trial period and that we might back down in a year if it's too much. 

[Audrey]

I understand what you are saying, but my feeling is that if we have the $ and are willing to devote it, and the time, to this child's hockey, we do it with no strings attached. I will not hold it over his head: "Look how much time and money we spent on you!! You owe us something for that!" If we choose to go ahead with it, we go ahead with it so it can be a fun, positive experience for him. That's it. I will not become a hyper-competitive sports mom. The other goalie's mom from my son's AAA tournament team constantly ran her son down to the other parents and criticized her son to his face under the guise that, "We're spending so much money on this, he better get a scholarship!" He was 10. I will never, ever, ever in a billion years do that to my kid, even if I spent a million dollars on his hockey.

 

 

I am not a hyper-competitive sports mom, but I think it behooves one to let the child know that a significant expense has been granted to him and that he is expected to put in his best effort.  Not everyone is going to be an NHL draftee.  Very, very few ever make it, even if every parent does think their kid is the next Rocket Richard. I would not say he is expected to be NHL bound, but I would expect him to understand the value of what he is being given and be expected not to squander it.  $11K is not for kicks and giggles in my book, and I wouldn't want to raise a kid who thought that either.

[catz]

I think it is the responsibility of parents to cultivate to the best of their ability the interests and goals of their children, especially where a child has an amazing talent.  For me, the answer to this question depends on how much the family can financially afford.

 

I agree.  This kind of calculation is going to vary widely based on family.  Would I let this kid play hockey to the best of financial ability if he were at focused, dedicated, and motivated to work hard at it?  Yes.  If I did the math on my kid's music lessons and activities, it adds up to a pretty ridiculous number.  Alt I'm driving a kid to theater rehearsals EVERY day for 4-5+ hours for the next 2 weeks followed by 20 shows, so we are pretty committed.  And I actually LOVE ushering, costume sewing, and musical theater in general.  So parts of it are fun to me.  (I HATE auditions - kid has no issue.  I hate them)

 

I also feel like kids will find their path.  They don't necessarily need CONSTANT access to the most intense experience at a very young age.  Hockey is big around here too and I'm glad my kids weren't interested!  :)  I think I enjoy being a music/theater/dance parent more than a competitive sport parent.  Although, we did spend a number of summers out in a soccer field.

[Danestress]

. $11K is not for kicks and giggles in my book, and I wouldn't want to raise a kid who thought that either.

I do see what you are saying, but when you have a committed, serious competitor (and I think this is true in other areas besides sports) I think parents have to think hard about what the value is to the child. If my kid doesn't get a scholarship or even want to play college ball, will it have been worthwhile? Or was it just kicks and giggles?

 

I am with Tara on this. My kid had spent years working hard while other kids played. He has rarely had time for video games or tv. He had little time to squander. He gladly sacrificed sweets, trips, and slumber parties for training - way way beyond what I or his DH expected. If it ever feels like too much, or he feels a different call on his life, he can quit. He has already gotten great benefit from it as a person and already demonstrated (a hundred fold) that he is not lazy, a quitter, or only there for the fun. He is a better person for the experience now, without ever competing again.

 

ETA that there will be no discussion of quitting in the 24 hours after a painful loss on court. The decision to quit would have to be made with time to reflect and weigh the consequences. He isn't one to quit because of a defeat anyway, but I know some kids do say they want to quit when discouraged, and I wouldn't go along with that.

[catz]

I don't know that I agree 100%.  Of course how that plays out is another thing.  I cultivate what I want to cultivate if I'm being frank.  Thank goodness my kids have inherited similar likes in life.  Maybe that is no coincidence.

 

I know some people probably cringe when I say I am totally not interested in hockey so I don't want to sacrifice for it.  Lest anyone think I don't care about my kids, it really is that this is just not the case.  My kids aren't interested in it either. 

 

I do go out of my way for interests though.  To the extent that I can. 

 

So I guess I don't disagree.  I guess it comes down to the fact that I can't REALLY give an honest answer for this because I don't value it. 

 

I totally agree with this.  I wonder if I subconsciously put a dislike of competitive sports in my kids because I have a really hard time imagining myself as the parent of a child on a super intense travelling team where much of my time is spent in an ice arena?  I'd like to say if it were a driving passion for my kid?  But gosh golly gee, I'm glad they didn't pick hockey.  It makes private classical piano with a PhD look cheap.  ;) 

[Crimson Wife]

He can quit any time he wants. Sports are supposed to be fun. And at the Tier 1 Elite AAA level, there is no "next level" unless he joins a Juniors-level team at 17-ish or plays for a college team. I don't expect him to make that commitment at 11.

Just for fun sports aren't worth $11k per year and making the family's life revolve around the activity. For that kind of investment, it's a serious commitment to try to go as far as the child has the potential to. The child has to be fully aware of what he/she is getting into.

 

There are plenty of recreational sports that the child who isn't willing to make that serious a commitment can pursue instead.

[Jenny in Florida]

I understand what you are saying, but my feeling is that if we have the $ and are willing to devote it, and the time, to this child's hockey, we do it with no strings attached. I will not hold it over his head: "Look how much time and money we spent on you!! You owe us something for that!" If we choose to go ahead with it, we go ahead with it so it can be a fun, positive experience for him. That's it. I will not become a hyper-competitive sports mom. The other goalie's mom from my son's AAA tournament team constantly ran her son down to the other parents and criticized her son to his face under the guise that, "We're spending so much money on this, he better get a scholarship!" He was 10. I will never, ever, ever in a billion years do that to my kid, even if I spent a million dollars on his hockey.

 

I mostly agree with you. I've lost count of the number of times some other parent has seemed befuddled when I explain that, despite the amount of time and effort and dollars we devote to our kids' activities, I don't actually expect them to be stars or earn scholarships or "make it worth our time." It is worth our time because we value our kids.

 

With that said, we did have some serious conversations with our son when he was 11 or 12 and didn't want to leave his ballet school but also didn't want to put in the effort to progress. We explained that we were perfectly happy to support him in anything he truly wanted to do, but that we did want to see evidence he cared enough to really do it. Eventually, we agreed that, while he didn't have to stop dancing, it wasn't fair to expect us to arrange the whole family's schedule around his dance classes and write all of those checks to the pre-pro school if he wasn't serious. We were careful to frame it as a "break" so that he would have time to figure out what he wanted from dance, rather than as any kind of punishment for not "living up to his potential." He spent the next year casually taking a couple of classes a week at half the cost of his previous program and doing so at a studio much closer to home. That break reminded him of what he loved about dance and allowed him time to think about what kind of dance he wanted to study and in what environment.

[Χά�ων]

I am not a hyper-competitive sports mom, but I think it behooves one to let the child know that a significant expense has been granted to him and that he is expected to put in his best effort.  Not everyone is going to be an NHL draftee.  Very, very few ever make it, even if every parent does think their kid is the next Rocket Richard. I would not say he is expected to be NHL bound, but I would expect him to understand the value of what he is being given and be expected not to squander it.  $11K is not for kicks and giggles in my book, and I wouldn't want to raise a kid who thought that either.

:iagree:  Yes this. My son is more than likely not going to the Olympics or even nationals but I do spend a lot on his sport and he knows that I expect him to put forth his full effort every time. 

[poppy]

Does hockey bring him great joy? That is the primary question to me. I would do a whole lot to give joy to a child whose has been struggling . I'd hesitate to take it away. And that is what not pursuing it would be, since people who play at that level really can't play with regular kids their age , in a satisfying way.

[bettyandbob]

Just for fun sports aren't worth $11k per year and making the family's life revolve around the activity. For that kind of investment, it's a serious commitment to try to go as far as the child has the potential to. The child has to be fully aware of what he/she is getting into.

 

There are plenty of recreational sports that the child who isn't willing to make that serious a commitment can pursue instead.

 

The money is a matter of opinion, which doesn't appear to be relevant to the discussion since the OP has suggested in more than one post the money wouldn't be tied to achieving scholarships and wouldn't be a sacrifice to the family. 

 

I couldn't spend that kind of money. However, I live in an area where there are many wealthy people who can comfortably spend that money. 

 

When I look are activities I consider the benefits beyond achieving at elite level in said activity. If the activity is a sport the child could easily be injured or physical growth may not be as expected making it impossible for the child to get a scholarship/get sponsors/go to the olympics. Deep focus in an activity teaches:

time management

organization 

goal setting

other positive stuff

 

You could get these things from scouts, music, or a cheaper sport. But you can't necessarily substitute other things for a particular child. If the child is passionate about hockey that's what he's passionate about. You can't make him apply the same passion to scouts, although I have met some hyper scout parents who tried to push their boys through. 

 

I support my dc in activities for this reason, not because I expect a career or scholarship out of it. My family is different than the OPs in that I have to limit our financial committment. I'm disappointed that I couldn't encourage dd to audition for certain dance intensives. As it was she never asked, even though she told me last year it was a goal to audition this year. She knows our finances somewhat and didn't ask. I'm a little relieved and a little sad I can't provide. I did suggest a short program at a local university and she is excited about that. That said, even though dd is not trying for a career in performing arts, if I had the money I would allow her do more. 

 

I've met hyper parents through dance and swimming and other things who are convinced their invest will lead to scholarships. If that's the goal and that is all the money you have you need to put it in an investment account for college because getting an athletic scholarship is like winning the lottery. 

 

I don't believe spending a large amount on a sport means you dc will become entitled either. That kind of behavior can develop out of an inborn personality traits or it can develop as a result of a whole package of circumstances in the family beyond the sport costing X dollars. 

 

I think the big thing to the OP is family structure/family time. I believe if you want to pursue a sport at an elite level it is possible to limit the sacrifice on family time, but how to do so is different for each situation. 

[Crimson Wife]

We could afford the money, but that kind of investment on our part would require a serious commitment on the child's part. You want to do something just for fun? Pick something that's $100 per month, not $1000. I don't spend big sums frivolously, even if we could afford it in our budget.

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't know that I agree 100%.  Of course how that plays out is another thing.  I cultivate what I want to cultivate if I'm being frank.  Thank goodness my kids have inherited similar likes in life.  Maybe that is no coincidence.

 

I know some people probably cringe when I say I am totally not interested in hockey so I don't want to sacrifice for it.  Lest anyone think I don't care about my kids, it really is that this is just not the case.  My kids aren't interested in it either. 

 

I've lucked out, too, in that both of my kids have tended toward things that already interest me. However, I have actually really enjoyed the opportunity to learn when either of them does want to explore something that is new to me.

 

For example, I knew precious little about archaeology before my daughter got obsessed with the subject. But after we had attended a couple of years' worth of monthly meetings of the local anthropology society and I had read aloud a LOT of books and we had watched countless library videos about ancient civilizations, I found I could hold my own in terms of asking intelligent questions when she dragged me to lectures.

 

Similarly, when she first decided to start auditioning for community theatre, I had only the foggiest idea of what a "headshot" was or how to write a performance resume or how to choose a monologue . . . Nowadays, I'm an old pro.

 

And, although I had been to a few ballets in my lifetime, I had never had dance lessons, myself. I knew the five foot positions and could identify a plie, but that was about it. In order to be supportive and show interest in my son's dance efforts, I had to learn to recognize various steps and when he was doing them correctly. Fortunately, after attending many parent observations and several years of supervising dressing rooms during performances and even more years of attending performances, I developed enough understanding and vocabulary to share meaningfully in that part of his life.  (I still get lost with tap once he gets to anything more complicated than a time step, but he's very patient with me.)

[Danestress]

We could afford the money, but that kind of investment on our part would require a serious commitment on the child's part. You want to do something just for fun? Pick something that's $100 per month, not $1000. I don't spend big sums frivolously, even if we could afford it in our budget.

So if a kid starts at 11 (convinced he will never quit!) and wants to retire by the time he is 14, how many extra years are you going to make him play? Because it's still $1000 a month, which seems like a ton of money to make a reluctant teen continue in an activity that he no longer likes.

 

11 is pretty young to make a commitment of years - but unfortunately, not too young to need to get serious about training if they have high ambitions. Sometimes I think it's good to just let them find out - and find out for yourself.

[NoseInABook]

If it is their passion, absolutely. Well, depending on if I can afford it or not. I would bust butt to do whatever I could to financially support it if my kid was in love and committed to it. 

[Haiku]

This whole issue wasn't even an issue until a few weeks ago, when dh unexpectedly landed a new job with a huge (as in greater than 50%) pay increase. We knew the AAA team wanted our son this coming season. We also knew there was no way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks we could ever afford it.

 

Suddenly, we are thrown into a situation where our framework has changed because we CAN now afford it. It would not entail, as someone else posted, no financial sacrifice on our part. There would be sacrifice to some extent, but we could do it without negatively impacting the rest of the family financially.

 

Our son's dedication to hockey is not in question. He works hard and is dedicated. He loves hockey more than anything else. But he's newly 11 and doesn't see hockey as a means to any end at this point. He just loves hockey and wants to play with the best. I don't devalue that.