Late to Playdate/Hanging Out?

[Jean in Newcastle]

What would you think of someone who is chronically very late - as in an hour or more late to an arranged get together?  Half of what was planned today isn't going to happen because the visitor is so late.  The lateness is not because of any unavoidable issue.  (I'm a "my word is your bond" kind of person including when I say I'm going to be somewhere so that hugely impacts my thoughts on this.  Also the fact that my dd has been in tears off and on sort of brings out the mama bear in me a bit, though I won't say anything.)  The person is definitely still coming according to their text messages.  

[twinmami01]

I find it to be irritating and just plain out rude. I am very particular about my time, so if I plan on meeting you at 4, its 4. I understand that stuff happens, but if its a chronic thing, this person just does not respect your time.

[twinmami01]

I find it to be irritating and just plain out rude. I am very particular about my time, so if I plan on meeting you at 4, its 4. I understand that stuff happens, but if its a chronic thing, this person just does not respect your time.

[twinmami01]

I find it to be irritating and just plain out rude. I am very particular about my time, so if I plan on meeting you at 4, its 4. I understand that stuff happens, but if its a chronic thing, this person just does not respect your time.

[AK_Mom4]

Personally, I would probably stop making time-sensitive arrangements with them.  "Come by this afternoon" rather than "Come by at 1pm".  I would probably end up having to coach my DD too - "You know they are always later than they expect to be".  Help her set her expectations to the lesser amount of time because my DD would be weepy and unhappy that she had less time to spend with her friend.

 

And yes, it drives me crazy when others are late all the time.  It is fairly rude to be late repeatedly when you know others are waiting for you.

[Amira]

One of my sisters is chronically late unlike the rest of my family which is fanatically on time.  When she visits, I know that's how it will be and it all works out.  I adjust my expectations and I try to help my children adjust theirs. I see lateness as a quirk or personality trait, not as a sign of disrespect. 

[zoobie]

I would think they probably have untreated/unmanaged ADD/ADHD. DH is constantly pushing the late envelope, but it's 5 minutes not an hour. Of course there are always addiction issues and flat out narcissism... My dad is constantly an hour early (OCD/anxiety), which causes other headaches.

 

I give people 15 minutes before I get super annoyed. Doing it constantly means I plan for their lateness (or earliness ugh) if I want to continue a relationship with the person.

 

Is it the parent's issue or the child's? If it's the parent, can you navigate around the parent so your DD can enjoy the activities with her friend?

[hjffkj]

In the past I have simply stopped making arrangements with constantly late people or cancelled the second they informed me that they would be a little later for the second time the day they were supposed to be there.  

[marbel]

I do see chronic lateness as a sign of disrespect - for others' time.  If I'm going to be more than a few minutes late, I will call/text to let the people know, and I am not chronically late.   My response to late people depends on the relationship.  If my daughter really enjoyed her friend, and didn't have a lot of other social outlets, I'd let it slide and reset expectations.  If they were casual friends, not a tight bond, and we had plenty of other social outlets, I'd probably just naturally start backing off the friendship.

[Kerileanne99]

This drives me crazy!

My dd has a little friend that she absolutely begs to see. It is very hard because she has had difficulty in finding friends that she can relate to well, and I feel like I have been extremely accommodating.

But they are late every.single.time. To the point where we often have to get ready to leave just as they get there! I have given up inviting them to the house for play dates as they arrive up to 2 hours late, then I feel badly trying to get them gone on schedule because the kids have just started to play:(

 

So far our solution has been to simply make plans somewhere that we won't be sat around waiting...we might arrange to meet at the Children's museum, and I set a time, including when we have to go. Telling the time we need to leave seems to be much more effective that telling her when we plan to go:)

Then we go in, play, and hope they eventually show up! I have gone so far as to not even tell my child that her friend coming is a possibility so that she is ecstatic if it happens/not bummed if it doesn't.

 

It really is ridiculous. I simply do not understand, especially as we usually make plans at least a week out. It has also made me very conscientious about being on time/teaching me child the importance of being on time. If it wasn't for the fact that my kiddo LOVES her friend I wouldn't bother making plans with the mother simply because of the inconvenience/frustration she causes!

[regentrude]

I had a  good friend like this, and know people like this. Drives me nuts.

The only thing that helped was to plan for something to do while waiting for the person to be late. So, if we agreed that she come over at 4, I'd be sure to have things that I could do until 5. With a person like this, never meet in a location where you don't want to hang out for hours. Public places are awkward. Have her meet you at your house - this way you are at least on your home turf as opposed to some park or public venue.

 

I find it rude and inconsiderate, but it has been my experience that people who have these habits do not change; they simply consider this part of their "personality" and expect others to deal with it. But I do not see that there is any inherent personality trait that would make people waste their friends' time. If they get distracted, they should plan to leave an hour early.

[Chris in VA]

You can always tell them an hour earlier and plan on them being late...

[trulycrabby]

I think I would stop making plans with these people.

[Ellie]

What would you think of someone who is chronically very late - as in an hour or more late to an arranged get together?  Half of what was planned today isn't going to happen because the visitor is so late.  The lateness is not because of any unavoidable issue.  (I'm a "my word is your bond" kind of person including when I say I'm going to be somewhere so that hugely impacts my thoughts on this.  Also the fact that my dd has been in tears off and on sort of brings out the mama bear in me a bit, though I won't say anything.)  The person is definitely still coming according to their text messages.  

 

That "friendship" would be gone pretty quick, especially if this kind of thing is normal behavior. I have zero tolerance for chronically late people.

[Catwoman]

What would you think of someone who is chronically very late - as in an hour or more late to an arranged get together? Half of what was planned today isn't going to happen because the visitor is so late. The lateness is not because of any unavoidable issue. (I'm a "my word is your bond" kind of person including when I say I'm going to be somewhere so that hugely impacts my thoughts on this. Also the fact that my dd has been in tears off and on sort of brings out the mama bear in me a bit, though I won't say anything.) The person is definitely still coming according to their text messages.

I wouldn't mention that your dd was in tears, but I would absolutely confront her about the chronic tardiness. You don't need to tolerate that, but as long as you do, the woman has no reason to change her behavior. If she keeps getting away with it, pretty soon she will be the one getting upset with you if you specify that you need her to be on time.

 

You're too nice, Jean. Politely let her know that when you make plans with her, you need her to be on time because you have other obligations, and when she is late, it messes up your whole day. And if that doesn't work, I think it may be time to find a new friend for your dd, or to only see this particular mom and dd at scheduled events where other families will be present, so you aren't waiting around for her to arrive and your dd will have other kids to play with, in case this woman and her dd are late (again!)

[happi duck]

Op, you said you won't say anything...why not? It doesn't need to be confrontational.

 

Why were you late?

(Insert legit reason here)

oh, I understand.

 

Or

 

Why were you late?

(Insert lame reason here)

We expected you to show up at the agreed upon time. dd felt hurt and now we can't do all we had planned. Being late has really affected the day.

 

Eta: if you have never said anything I wouldn't bring up the past at this point...

[Annie G]

I had a friend like that and it drove me crazy. I started inviting another family to the playdate also and when the latecomer showed up, she was clearly feeling like she had missed out on conversation and snacks. She did NOT like that- I think it made her feel left out. She started showing up on time more often.   I'm sure that was due to the woman's personality of needing to be noticed and 'in control'. Whatever. It worked. 

 

 

 

 

[Ripley]

I'm a chronically late person.  I'm very rarely more than 15 minutes late, but there were a few times I've been up to an hour late. With no really good or valid excuse other than I get overwhelmed getting out the door - part of that is personality, for sure, and part of it is (chronic ;)) time management issues. So instead of telling a friend, No, Suzie can't play today ... I'll commit to the play date and do my best to make it happen on time. But it may be that I'm running from the other side of town for Jim Bob's play date that the mom wouldn't shut up so I could get going, and oh- crud, I forgot the water bill has to be dropped off today so we have to stop by the house super quick to pick it up, then crap - gas light is on, great - and now I'm fielding phone calls from an upset friend, trying not to text while driving despite my mom's constant texts that she can't find the store I sent her to on an errand for me, etc. and gosh darn it - why do I keep forgetting to update my ioS because the GPS isn't taking into account the new construction and now I'm going the wrong direction and I'm going to REALLY be late ...

 

And of course it appears to some as disrespect of their time (and really, I can't blame them for feeling such way), but that's an unfortunate indirect issue and not the intent. To some, that matters and they learn to work around people like me; to others, the frustration costs more than the friendship provides so the relationship fades. And it doesn't have to be personal for either side, it's simply not a good fit.

 

My family is so surprised that I chose a job that required regular air travel. But I never missed a flight - ever. I had to give myself an extra two hours :lol: but I was always there for boarding! I had to leave hotels two hours before my co-workers, I had to leave home four hours before departure to ensure I was in the boarding lounge on time (everyone I worked with left two hours early if driving, one if being dropped off). When my regular life permits, I take the same steps to arrive on time (doctors, weddings, funerals, volunteering) but my life doesn't always permit.

 

I'm sorry your friend was late, and even more sorry if it's a chronic issue with her. I'm mostly sorry for your daughter because I know that stinks for her. All I can suggest is that while it may feel personal and disrespectful, it isn't always meant to. And most people like me know they have a problem and will understand if invites get skipped or spaced out given a proven history of tardiness - it's par for the course, and reasonable enough.

[Catwoman]

I'm a chronically late person. I'm very rarely more than 15 minutes late, but there were a few times I've been up to an hour late. With no really good or valid excuse other than I get overwhelmed getting out the door - part of that is personality, for sure, and part of it is (chronic ;)) time management issues. So instead of telling a friend, No, Suzie can't play today ... I'll commit to the play date and do my best to make it happen on time. But it may be that I'm running from the other side of town for Jim Bob's play date that the mom wouldn't shut up so I could get going, and oh- crud, I forgot the water bill has to be dropped off today so we have to stop by the house super quick to pick it up, then crap - gas light is on, great - and now I'm fielding phone calls from an upset friend, trying not to text while driving despite my mom's constant texts that she can't find the store I sent her to on an errand for me, etc. and gosh darn it - why do I keep forgetting to update my ioS because the GPS isn't taking into account the new construction and now I'm going the wrong direction and I'm going to REALLY be late ...

 

And of course it appears to some as disrespect of their time (and really, I can't blame them for feeling such way), but that's an unfortunate indirect issue and not the intent. To some, that matters and they learn to work around people like me; to others, the frustration costs more than the friendship provides so the relationship fades. And it doesn't have to be personal for either side, it's simply not a good fit.

 

My family is so surprised that I chose a job that required regular air travel. But I never missed a flight - ever. I had to give myself an extra two hours :lol: but I was always there for boarding! I had to leave hotels two hours before my co-workers, I had to leave home four hours before departure to ensure I was in the boarding lounge on time (everyone I worked with left two hours early if driving, one if being dropped off). When my regular life permits, I take the same steps to arrive on time (doctors, weddings, funerals, volunteering) but my life doesn't always permit.

 

I'm sorry your friend was late, and even more sorry if it's a chronic issue with her. I'm mostly sorry for your daughter because I know that stinks for her. All I can suggest is that while it may feel personal and disrespectful, it isn't always meant to. And most people like me know they have a problem and will understand if invites get skipped or spaced out given a proven history of tardiness - it's par for the course, and reasonable enough.

But here's the thing.

 

Whether or not you intend it, you are being disrespectful to your friends when you're late.

 

You said yourself that you never missed a flight, so clearly you can be on time when you set your mind to it. It's just that the flights were a high priority for you and maybe meeting with friends isn't really all that important to you.

[Ripley]

But here's the thing.

 

Whether or not you intend it, you are being disrespectful to your friends when you're late.

 

You said yourself that you never missed a flight, so clearly you can be on time when you set your mind to it. It's just that the flights were a high priority for you and maybe meeting with friends isn't really all that important to you.

 

I also said that life doesn't always give me the option of planning as far ahead to be on time, as work days did. And I also said that when it does, I take those same steps to be on time to "real life" events.

 

On days I worked, nothing else was going on. It was a travel day, a day dedicated ONLY to getting to work OR already being AT work in a hotel. My non-working days were the days everything else got done, because those were the only days I was in my hometown. It was squeezing a seven day week into 3 days as far as things that couldn't be done on the road - such as play dates, shopping, and other errands.

 

Fortunately for me, people have decided that I'm worth more than the 15 minutes they lose when I'm late.  Fortunate, too, I suppose, that they don't make the same tiresome leaps that others may make in the same situation. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks for the input.  The friend came.  They had fun.  They wanted to stay longer to make up for the late start but I wasn't able to accommodate that because of our evening schedule.  Someone asked if it was the parent or child.  My guess is both but I don't really know.  And the reason I haven't said much is because I kind of figure it is dd's place to say stuff to her friend instead of me.  

[EKS]

I once knew a woman like this.  She *always* brought her kids an hour or two late to playdates.  In fact, once she missed a birthday party by a whole day!

 

In the future I'd avoid making plans with this person if it bugs you that she's late (it would bug me).

[Mrs Mungo]

We have been through this; it usually depends on how strongly my kids/I felt about the relationship. Lots of people go through seasons when they have a hard time. That can trying, but it is something that can be worked out. Constantly late without extenuating circumstances or extenuating life circumstances? I would have a hard time with that.

[Catwoman]

I also said that life doesn't always give me the option of planning as far ahead to be on time, as work days did. And I also said that when it does, I take those same steps to be on time to "real life" events.

 

On days I worked, nothing else was going on. It was a travel day, a day dedicated ONLY to getting to work OR already being AT work in a hotel. My non-working days were the days everything else got done, because those were the only days I was in my hometown. It was squeezing a seven day week into 3 days as far as things that couldn't be done on the road - such as play dates, shopping, and other errands.

 

Fortunately for me, people have decided that I'm worth more than the 15 minutes they lose when I'm late.  Fortunate, too, I suppose, that they don't make the same tiresome leaps that others may make in the same situation.

 

I don't think anyone would make "tiresome leaps" if you're only late occasionally and it's only 15 minutes or so. Hey, everyone gets held up for a few minutes here and there. You said that you were "chronically late," so I got the impression that the tardiness was the rule rather than the exception.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood you! :blush:

[Catwoman]

Thanks for the input. The friend came. They had fun. They wanted to stay longer to make up for the late start but I wasn't able to accommodate that because of our evening schedule. Someone asked if it was the parent or child. My guess is both but I don't really know. And the reason I haven't said much is because I kind of figure it is dd's place to say stuff to her friend instead of me.

I'm glad it ended well. :)

 

But if the mom is driving the dd to the play dates, she's the one you need to speak with. It's not the dd's fault that her mom can't get there on time.

[Julie Smith]

With someone like that I just don't make time senestive plans. 

 

If they ever ask about it I tell them why. 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

If it's someone you dislike, it's reason enough to let that friendship fade out. If it's someone you care for, and you're the hostess, plan with this guest in mind. Tell them to come 60-90 minutes before you want them to arrive and don't tell your child that they're coming at all. Plan snacks that can be pulled out whenever and read a book until they arrive. Don't invite them on days you have anything else to do.

 

This sounds like a known quantity. Don't sabotage yourself by expecting them to magically develop a different personality one day. Just because you're punctual and wish everyone else was too doesn't make it so. You have to decide what's more important: friendship or punctuality. There is something annoying about everyone. YOU have to decide if it's a deal breaker.

[Ellie]

Thanks for the input.  The friend came.  They had fun.  They wanted to stay longer to make up for the late start but I wasn't able to accommodate that because of our evening schedule.  Someone asked if it was the parent or child.  My guess is both but I don't really know.  And the reason I haven't said much is because I kind of figure it is dd's place to say stuff to her friend instead of me.  

 

I disagree. Unless the child is old enough to drive herself, then it's absolutely your job to say something to the mother. It was not only your daughter who was terribly inconvenienced; it was also you.

[mytwomonkeys]

I'm pretty lax about someone being a little late, especially if it's a play date and not highly time sensitive. But chronically being over an hour late, no way. That really is just being totally thoughtless and would feel more stressful than enjoyable.

[mathnerd]

That "friendship" would be gone pretty quick, especially if this kind of thing is normal behavior. I have zero tolerance for chronically late people.

I agree. My DS's best friend's mom even brings him late to school and extracurriculars. They even park outside the school and feed their child his breakfast because they were late getting ready in the morning. Funny thing is that they invited 30 kids to their son's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's and they showed up 30 minutes late - all the kids were off and playing when the birthday kid arrived late for his own party.

 

I never arrange any more playadates with them - because my time line in a day has set windows of time for playdates and we are not flexible people who can hang out after the playdate time is over to catch up for the tardy time. Besides, I am ALWAYS 5 minutes ahead of time for everything.

[OneStepAtATime]

Jean, I am glad things worked out.  Sorry this is an ongoing issue.  I hope that in the future they work harder to respect the time that was set (or at least get a bit closer to the time).  Not sure a response is necessary at this point, but I thought I would put in my 2 cents anyway...

 

I have Executive Function issues.  I know that.  Staying organized and getting places on time has always been extremely challenging for me.  But I know that if I don't at least TRY really hard to get places on time that I am being disrespectful and possibly causing real inconvenience and difficulties to those I am meeting, even if that is not my intention.  Also, being on the other end of that, it can really mess up my situation if someone is running extremely late meeting me.  And finally, when I get my kids to events or playdates or extracurriculars, late, especially really late, it hurts them.  They are embarrassed, they get stressed, and it sets a bad example.  I feel it should be a priority, even though it is difficult for me and I don't always achieve my goals in this area.

 

On the flip side, if someone is late once in a while, I don't sweat it.  I sympathize and understand.  I know I have this issue, too.  Things happen.  If someone is chronically late by an hour or more, but I really do care about the relationship, I  try to change how we schedule our get togethers so that being late is not an issue from my end and I try to mentally prepare myself and my children (if they are involved) for the very real possibility that the people may be late.  It is actually a sort of cultural norm where I live for everyone to arrive a bit late anyway.  However, if the person continually blows off the time that we set, and seems to have no regard for anyone else's plans, and continually causes frustration from my end, I tend to discourage future get togethers.  Life is too short to get constantly stressed out.  If this affects friendships for the kids, then I do take that into account, but honestly it is hurtful to them, too.

 

I have a friend I have known for many years.  Our children went to school together from 4k - 5th.  She is a great person.  But when she started homeschooling at the end of last year, she or I scheduled dozens of play dates/shopping dates/lunch dates for the kids and the two of us and at the last minute she canceled every single one, except one and she showed up 2 hours late for that one.  I understand that things happen at the last minute, and just starting homeschooling can be really tough, but it was just too hard on my poor DD to go through that disappointment over and over and over.  I have stopped scheduling anything with her and have discouraged her from scheduling anything with us unless she happens to be in the area and wants to drop in.  She has an open invitation to call and drop by anytime, when we are available,  I do not want to cut contact.  if she chooses to, she is more than welcome to come over casually and bring her children, but I will not be scheduling any more get togethers ahead of time.  If she needs support with homeschooling we can email or text.  I am just so done with the other...

[marbel]

I agree. My DS's best friend's mom even brings him late to school and extracurriculars. They even park outside the school and feed their child his breakfast because they were late getting ready in the morning. Funny thing is that they invited 30 kids to their son's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's and they showed up 30 minutes late - all the kids were off and playing when the birthday kid arrived late for his own party.

 

I never arrange any more playadates with them - because my time line in a day has set windows of time for playdates and we are not flexible people who can hang out after the playdate time is over to catch up for the tardy time. Besides, I am ALWAYS 5 minutes ahead of time for everything.

 

LOL, this reminds me of my Dad, who told me that if I wasn't 5 or 10 minutes early to everything, I was actually late.   That created its own problems for me, to the point where for a while I was stressed out about the idea of being 1 or 2 minutes late to an appointment, piano lesson, etc.   And I found I was getting annoyed with people who were only a few minutes late.  It took me a few  years to calm down and quit that.  I still get very anxious when time is really critical, such as catching a flight or being on time to the ballet - fortunately these are not common occurrences in my life right now.  

 

[FriedClams]

i agree with the "time is currency" comments. Yes, we all run late from time to time. But, a huge percentage of us can call or text to let someone know. First time, Id be annoyed. Second time, Id be done.

 

I also think its rude to add time on at the end. If i block 2-4 for chill and play time, I likely have stuff to do come 4:15-4:30. Being late in the first place is rude, and expecting me to rearrange my day or make others late after our time is rude, too. To me this person sounds really inconsiderate.

[alef]

There are people who lack the ability to gauge the passage of time, they really don't have a sense for how long five minutes or an hour is and have a hard time judging what needs to be done when and how much time it will take to do something like getting ready and out the door to go somewhere. This disability is often related both to dyscalculia and to executive function deficits. What seems rude and unreasonable to someone with a normally functioning sense of time may in fact represent honest effort on the part of someone who struggles with this issue.

[mytwomonkeys]

There are people who lack the ability to gauge the passage of time, they really don't have a sense for how long five minutes or an hour is and have a hard time judging what needs to be done when and how much time it will take to do something like getting ready and out the door to go somewhere. This disability is often related both to dyscalculia and to executive function deficits. What seems rude and unreasonable to someone with a normally functioning sense of time may in fact represent honest effort on the part of someone who struggles with this issue.

Yes, but there are still consequences. It's difficult to go through life successfully with no real sense of time.

 

I tend to be late natured, regardless of how early I get up. Therefore, knowing this about myself, I shower the night before. We lay our clothes out the night before. I pack lunches or whatever is needed the night before. Every clock in our home runs five minutes fast (our bedroom is 10 minutes fast). Although I know this, I still use it as real time. I put steps in place to help me be punctual, regardless of my nature.

[Ripley]

I don't think anyone would make "tiresome leaps" if you're only late occasionally and it's only 15 minutes or so. Hey, everyone gets held up for a few minutes here and there. You said that you were "chronically late," so I got the impression that the tardiness was the rule rather than the exception.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood you! :blush:

 

The misunderstanding was in what causes the tardiness. But apology accepted. ;)

 

[Ripley]

OR they think you're really rude and, like the OP, don't know what to say to you, or how to say it.

 

Time is currency. You show what you value with how you spend your time.

 

That's a very real possibility. Where I'm from, we're not really tied to the clock and things are much more relaxed. I was always grateful for that, given my own issues with time management. When we moved to the mainland, and particularly to Texas, we found people here are incredibly married to the clock! It's been an adjustment on many levels.

 

But as you say - time is currency. And I suppose my friends show they value me because they continue to spend their time with me, despite my imperfections and habitually being 15 minutes late. If they found it too rude to deal with, I imagine they wouldn't have to say anything; they'd simply drop the relationship or confront me (as are the suggestions here). As it is, they know it's something I struggle with and is in no way a reflection of how I feel about our friendships.

 

I like what KungFuPanda said: we all have an annoying habit, it's a matter of deciding what we find worth tolerating. This is clearly my annoying habit - some find it tolerable, others (including many on this thread :001_smile:) wouldn't. And that's ... definitely okay. LOL

[marbel]

There are people who lack the ability to gauge the passage of time, they really don't have a sense for how long five minutes or an hour is and have a hard time judging what needs to be done when and how much time it will take to do something like getting ready and out the door to go somewhere. This disability is often related both to dyscalculia and to executive function deficits. What seems rude and unreasonable to someone with a normally functioning sense of time may in fact represent honest effort on the part of someone who struggles with this issue.

 

That's true, but if people don't know there's a problem, they're still going to be annoyed.  If a friend of mine is continually late and acts like it's not a big deal, I'm going to be annoyed.  If the same friend sits down with me and says "I know I'm always late, and I know it's annoying, but here's why" then I can adjust my expectations accordingly and try to help the person out.   Most people aren't going to assume that everyone who is chronically late has executive function deficits.  The only reason I'm even familiar with the term "executive function deficits" is because one of my kids was diagnosed with it; I suspect if I asked a bunch of random people on the street about it, they'd come up blank.  So, communication is helpful.

[momto10blessings]

Oh, wow. I have friends/family that are always 5-10 minutes late... But hearing these stories about friends showing up1-2 hours late makes me realize that 5-10 minutes isn't so bad!!

Yeah, if it was 1-2 hours I would not plan things with them.

[Ellie]

Op, you said you won't say anything...why not? It doesn't need to be confrontational.

 

Why were you late?

(Insert legit reason here)

oh, I understand.

 

Or

 

Why were you late?

(Insert lame reason here)

We expected you to show up at the agreed upon time. dd felt hurt and now we can't do all we had planned. Being late has really affected the day.

 

Eta: if you have never said anything I wouldn't bring up the past at this point...

 

:iagree:

 

[Ellie]

That's a very real possibility. Where I'm from, we're not really tied to the clock and things are much more relaxed. I was always grateful for that, given my own issues with time management. When we moved to the mainland, and particularly to Texas, we found people here are incredibly married to the clock! It's been an adjustment on many levels.

 

But as you say - time is currency. And I suppose my friends show they value me because they continue to spend their time with me, despite my imperfections and habitually being 15 minutes late. If they found it too rude to deal with, I imagine they wouldn't have to say anything; they'd simply drop the relationship or confront me (as are the suggestions here). As it is, they know it's something I struggle with and is in no way a reflection of how I feel about our friendships.

 

I like what KungFuPanda said: we all have an annoying habit, it's a matter of deciding what we find worth tolerating. This is clearly my annoying habit - some find it tolerable, others (including many on this thread :001_smile:) wouldn't. And that's ... definitely okay. LOL

 

Yeah, you know what? If you were *an hour late* to everything I invited you to, I would quit inviting you. I might enjoy talking to you on the phone, or meeting you at random places that don't have any time constraints where I needed to depend on you arriving pretty much on time, but I would not invite you to something that was time sensitive.

 

One of my friends was consistently, persistently an hour late to almost anything. Once several of us families were having a potluck at one family's home. We waited for about an hour for her to show up. The children were hungry and crabby. The food was lukewarm (I had made cheese enchiladas, and the corn tortillas had pretty much disintegrated by the time we ate). The hostess had to go to bed with a headache from not eating. When my late friend arrived, she breezed in with her food and didn't say one word about being so late.

 

She was my co-leader for awhile for a Camp Fire club made up of homeschooled children. For our first award ceremony, we went camping at our council's residential camp in the mountains near San Diego; it was the weekend after Labor Day, and it was hot. Most of the girls met at my house and one of the parents piled us all in her van; we were to meet this friend on the way, with a specified time. We waited on the side of the road for almost an hour. **almost.an.hour.** **with.children** **in.a.van** **on.a.hot.September.day** She finally pulled up and we drove off. Happily, it was almost an hour from there to the camp, and so I managed not to tear her head off when we arrived. This was only the first in a long line of offenses that weekend, and I fired her as my co-leader.

 

Another time she arranged for a county-wide park day with all the families, on a Saturday afternoon so that all the fathers could be there. We were expecting some sort of program--I forget, because it's been almost 30 years, lol--but there was a definite purpose and stated time. She was in charge. She arrived an hour late.

 

Fifteen minutes late...pff. I could probably handle that (unless I was organizing a field trip; we would start at the specified time whether you were there or not), but girlfriend, I gotta tell you how rude it is of you to blow off your habitual tardiness by saying that your friends put up with you because they "value" you.

[Anne in CA]

I have one SIL who is always late but she has seven kids and even now that they are older she is usually helping with grand kids and I know she is doing her best. Too many people pull her in different directions.

 

I have one close friend who is always late for personal things, but not for work and she really over plans her life and I know that she just doesn't have enough hours in the day for the things she commits to. She is too kind to flaky people who want things, lol. That probably includes me so I deal with her.

 

Other than those two people I don't have time for people who are always late. I just don't include them in things. Sad, but I'm busy too. Until this year I had a part time job, two kids at home, home school and hobbies to invest my time in.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh, wow. I have friends/family that are always 5-10 minutes late... But hearing these stories about friends showing up1-2 hours late makes me realize that 5-10 minutes isn't so bad!!

Yeah, if it was 1-2 hours I would not plan things with them.

Being 10 - 15 minutes late wouldn't bother me either.  That's still fashionably late!  

[poppy]

Always on time = bless you!

Chronically 5-10 minutes late = standard parent of kids.

Chronically 1+ hour late = jerk who has no empathy for others whatsoever, or just  doesn't care if she's putting everyone else out for her convenience

 

I have a doctor's office policy, if I've waited 25 minutes, I  reschedule and leave. I think I'd do the same with chronically late friends.  Text "sorry you coudln't make it, kids got hungry so we left! Maybe we'll try again next week!".  I won't get angry about, but I won't put up with it either.

 

[catz]

Always on time = bless you!

Chronically 5-10 minutes late = standard parent of kids.

Chronically 1+ hour late = jerk who has no empathy for others whatsoever, or just  doesn't care if she's putting everyone else out for her convenience

 

I have a doctor's office policy, if I've waited 25 minutes, I  reschedule and leave. I think I'd do the same with chronically late friends.  Text "sorry you coudln't make it, kids got hungry so we left! Maybe we'll try again next week!".  I won't get angry about, but I won't put up with it either.

This exactly. I'm sorry, there's no reason to be consistently more than 30 minutes late. Executive function issues ARE a problem for pretty much all of us at our house, but we plan accordingly. We are all huge procrastinators. I definitely have a kid that could end up being like this as an adult and I go out of my way to give him many warnings about getting ready to leave the house and lessons in time planning, empathy, etc.

 

If someone would have texted me they were going to be that late, I would have said I needed to cancel the whole thing and I would have let them know my child was disappointed to the point of crying.

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't tolerate chronically late people if I don't absolutely have to. 

 

If someone has an appointment with me and I'm there on time waiting around for more than 15 minutes or so, they're wasting my time after 15 minutes.  I have things to do other than sit around waiting.  If I'm sitting around waiting it's a waste because I could've been doing something else. Time is a more precious resource that money or energy. I give more time allowances if someone is driving a long distance, driving through rush hour, driving through routes under construction, coming from the airport, etc.

If it's only every now and then, I get it.  If it's all the time, then that chronically late person needs to do some personal evaluation and make some changes.  If not, they won't be wasting my time any more because I won't be spending any more of my time on them or with them if it's possible to avoid it.

 

I think many chronically late people have priority problems.  As expressed upthread, they're adding in a bunch of things that should've already been done and then doing them before meeting up with someone for an appointed get together.  They should go the get together first THEN do the other stuff they're behind on and make it their own problem, not the problem of the people waiting around.

 

I think many chronically late people need a reality check.  Many are late because they forgot they had something going on before because they don't maintain and use a calendar or planner. Or they forget about the planned meet up until the last minute. They're so sure they're going to remember, but they forget all time.  They can't judge distance and traffic realistically so they plan too much in a sort period of time or too far a distance and make the people at end of their poor planning share in the consequences. They think their bunch of kids are going to be perfectly cooperative and focused even though it's a rare child who is. They can't seem to think beyond the moment.

 

I think many chronically late people have learning problems.  By the time someone is an adult they should have learned that little, unexpected things can derail getting out the door to an appointment, so they should plan extra time for that. 

 

1. They should have learned that packing the diaper bag and having a day's worth of emergency diapers, an extra infant/toddler outfit and a few non-perishable snacks in a vehicle at all times makes sense because life happens.

 

2. They should learn to have their children get ready to go somewhere first, then let them watch tv, play on their own, read a book until it's time to leave-not the other way around.

 

3. They should have learned to have the map studied, the directions printed out and any questions about getting there answered the day before.

 

4. They should have learned to fill the gas tank up the night before going somewhere in the morning, realistic meals planned out if they have to make one before they leave, etc.

 

5. They should have learned to put everything they possibly could in vehicle the night before or first thing in the morning.

 

6. They should have learned to tell the older kids at what time they would be walking out the door the night before if it's a morning appointment and first thing in the morning if it's an afternoon or evening appointment. 

 

7. They should have taught their kids that deciding what they're going to wear is to be decided the evening before and laid out so emergency laundry can be done that night or other plans can be made about outfits if there's a problem.  You wanna try 4 different outfits before deciding?  Do it the night before. Can't find your shoes?  It's not a panic situation if you're hunting them the night before.

[73349]

It's not unusual for me to have errands planned after a playdate, and my phone is usually on silent in the bottom of my purse. I wonder what she would think if she arrived 2 hours late and we weren't home?

I don't have time for people like that. Fifteen or even twenty minutes I get, especially with kids under 5. More than that, more than once, means you need to learn to plan ahead.

[elegantlion]

Chronic lateness is my pet peeve. I had a couple of friends that were always "too busy" to be on time. We quit making time sensitive dates with them. If the kids wanted to get together, we'd go to their house most of the time, that way I could show up on time. 

 

I won't set a meeting in a public place either. 

 

Part of why it's an issue for me is that I mentally block off that time for that person. It's hard for me to switch modes if I'm waiting for someone to show up at my house. I don't have a doorbell and in certain parts of the house I can't hear a quiet knock, so I tend to be on watch for people to show up. 

[Catwoman]

There are people who lack the ability to gauge the passage of time, they really don't have a sense for how long five minutes or an hour is and have a hard time judging what needs to be done when and how much time it will take to do something like getting ready and out the door to go somewhere. This disability is often related both to dyscalculia and to executive function deficits. What seems rude and unreasonable to someone with a normally functioning sense of time may in fact represent honest effort on the part of someone who struggles with this issue.

Perhaps they should consider buying a watch and looking at it on a regular basis. ;)

 

I'm only half kidding.

[xixstar]

There are people who lack the ability to gauge the passage of time, they really don't have a sense for how long five minutes or an hour is and have a hard time judging what needs to be done when and how much time it will take to do something like getting ready and out the door to go somewhere. This disability is often related both to dyscalculia and to executive function deficits. What seems rude and unreasonable to someone with a normally functioning sense of time may in fact represent honest effort on the part of someone who struggles with this issue.

 

I will have to look into this as DH has zero concept of time and drives me nuts because I can usually give you exact time within minutes after hours of not seeing a clock. He seems to honestly feel the passage of 4 hours no different than 10 minutes.