Is it ok to just stay home?

[Marie131]

I'm going to try to keep this short.  I am feeling rather emotional as my mother compared me to the poster homeschool mom in the community and showed me just how short I fall.  It doesn't feel good.

 

What I am wondering, is there seasons in life where it is ok to NOT do it all?  Is it ok to plan my life around nap schedules rather than put my kids in every homeschool activity offered?

 

While my parents have been supportive of our homeschooling, they have suddenly become unsupportive now that we are seeking an ASD assessment for our oldest child. 

 

At the moment I am feeling as though there is nothing that I do that is right.

[Rosie_0801]

Nothing you ever do is right if you listen to too many people. You can cross your mum off the list right now. :p

 

No one ever does it all, all at once. Doing it all takes your whole life, then you still miss stuff.

 

 

Have some chocolate, and don't bother counting the calories!  :cheers2:

 

 

For all your mum knows, Poster Mum never speaks to her mother. :P

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course it is ok!  Your kids are quite young and nap time is very important.  You will have plenty of time for homeschool activities.  (And being in activities will "fix" your oldest - which might be the motivation behind their lack of support.)   :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course it is ok!  Your kids are quite young and nap time is very important.  You will have plenty of time for homeschool activities.  (And being in activities will "fix" your oldest - which might be the motivation behind their lack of support.)   :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

You have a lot on your plate at the moment so I don't think you should feel the need to do too much.  I do think that it would be good - if your eldest is ready - for you to choose one activity that builds independence and coping skills.  For us, this was cub scouts then scouts, where my sons learned practical as well as social skills, and gradually became able to manage their own lives (packing for camp, dealing with tasks, finally managing tasks).

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[boscopup]

My kids don't nap anymore (youngest is 4), and we don't do every homeschool outing offered. In fact, we do very few of them. If we go out, school doesn't get done. So I try to keep education the priority instead of extracurriculars.

 

Now my kids ARE in some activities that aren't homeschool related. My oldest plays hockey, middle is about to start playing hockey (would have started last year, but he wasn't ready to listen to the coach yet... one year later, he's doing fabulous and totally ready), and middle and youngest have been taking figure skating lessons once a week for several months. Oldest and middle will do some type of scouting this year (our troop is changing over to the new Trail Life USA group, so their scouting won't start until January, I think). Oldest was in Cub Scouts prior to this.

 

But during the school day? We do school. I have a really hard time HOME schooling if we aren't at HOME. :)

 

I don't know that I've ever met anyone who "does it all". Most of the time, people may look like they're doing it all, but something in their life is not getting attention. It might be cooking healthy meals, or cleaning the house, or educating the kids, or something else. Something likely isn't getting done. We all make tradeoffs and have to decide what's important to us. You're at a stage where nap time IS important, both for the kid and your sanity. I scheduled things around nap times when mine were that age. I didn't want to deal with Sir Cranky Pants that evening. :tongue_smilie: Now that none of mine nap, I schedule things for the afternoon if we need to go somewhere. That way, we can get school done in the morning, and our afternoon outing won't interfere.

 

[angelmama1209]

we can't afford to "do it all". I try really hard to be home AT LEAST 2 days/week, preferably 3 or more. otherwise "school" doesn't get done. there are plenty of people who just stay home and school with no guilt. YOU decide what's best for YOUR kids and family, not your mom, not anyone else. concentrate on building character and family right now. those are the most important anyway.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Yes it's ok to be home!! Pick one thing you all want and do that. My kids like going out but we all really love being home all day!!!!

[8filltheheart]

There are definitely season in life.    What we can and can't do morphs with our kids' ages and stages.   We have a lot less flexibility now that I have 3 kids in middle/high school.   School takes all day and is our number 1 priority.

 

That said, looking at the ages of your kids, I think you are at the stage with most flexibility.    You can plan your days around nap time, but homeschooling an 8  and 5 yr old and having afternoon naps really shouldn't make you feel like you have to stay home.   If you want to stay home, that is one thing.   Not everyone wants or needs to be out.   But, if you feel like between school and naptime that you don't have the ability to be out, you could alter how you are going about doing things so that you can be out in the mornings and be home for lunch/nap time.

 

Homeschooling is always going to mean having to juggle multiple schedules.   Learning to juggle it all and have a healthy balance takes effort.       My little one goes to the park at unusual times.....630 or 7 at night is not an unusual time for us to go the park.   We go after dinner and play until dusk.  I can't just take her in the morning or the middle of the day.    Sometimes I will drop the teenagers off at the library to work and take the 8, 11, and 3 yr old to the park and the 8 and 3 yr old will play while I sit at a picnic table with my 11 yr old doing work.   It is ok occasionally, but not something I want to do frequently.

[Gentlemommy]

Totally fine to stay home. My kids are the same ages as yours, and we plan days around rest time. Not nap exactly since youngest doesn't really nap anymore (cry), but everyone just has a time from 1-3 to relax. They can watch a movie, read, play quietly, whatever, so long as they leave mama alone to rest. Lol.

We like being out and about, so personality does play into it. We find that if we are busy, we stick to a schedule better, in order to get out do fun stuff. We do need days at home to recoup though. Different moms/kids, different styles. One is not better than another, they are just different.

[chiguirre]

With a toddler and a baby, I wouldn't try to do many outside activities either. This is especially true with an asd kid who will need your help to be able to participate in most extracurriculars. If you do get a dx, however, I'd look into social skills classes and scouts. Those have helped Geezle a lot and are well worth the effort they take.

[Murphy101]

My newest motto:

 

Busy is not a virtue.

 

So IMO, yes it's okay to just stay home.

[Blessed Mommy]

Absolutely, it is okay to NOT do it all!  I have always planned my days around feeding and nap times, and I think we are all better off because of it!  We have a routine, everyone knows when we eat/nap, and because of this routine, my kids don't question why we don't participate in something that goes on between the hours of 1 and 3pm!  Haha!  The only outside activities we participate in are Classical Conversations and piano which are only once a week.

I have a friend with six kids who has them all signed up for every activity on the moon.  I will say, she has made several comments comparing our families that I find quite sad (on her part).  She says that my kids seem so calm and content even though we don't do many outside activities.  In comparison, her family is constantly on the move, doing schoolwork in the van, going from place to place, almost every day of the week from morning until 8 or 9pm!  Her house is a complete mess--don't even get me started on her laundry situation!  Haha!  Just hearing her talk about her schedule makes my brain stress out!  She's even made remarks that suggest her marriage is suffering because of their crazy schedule and all of the outside activities.  I have suggested that she cut out some of the activities, but she feels too much pressure to keep them involved.  Sad.  :(

When I very first starting homeschooling, a wise friend told me, "In order to homeschool well, you have to actually be at HOME."  I remember this whenever I feel pressure or guilt for not having my kids signed up for swim team, bible study, sports, outside art classes, etc, etc.

[Ellie]

I'm going to try to keep this short.  I am feeling rather emotional as my mother compared me to the poster homeschool mom in the community and showed me just how short I fall.  It doesn't feel good.

 

What I am wondering, is there seasons in life where it is ok to NOT do it all?  Is it ok to plan my life around nap schedules rather than put my kids in every homeschool activity offered?

 

While my parents have been supportive of our homeschooling, they have suddenly become unsupportive now that we are seeking an ASD assessment for our oldest child. 

 

At the moment I am feeling as though there is nothing that I do that is right.

 

YES!!! Stay home!!!! Plan around the naps!!!!

 

I developed my routine because I found myself going to too many outside activities, and even though we were very relaxed, I still found us disjointed, the house looking like a disaster, little face time for the dc with each other and with me.

 

So my rule became this: NO outside activities before 3 in the afternoon. NO field trips with others unless they happen to be on Thursday (my field trip day) or they are awesome, only happen once a year, and require a group of more than 10 people (because I can organize a group of 10 people on my field trip day). Park day only on Friday, and only once a month. No co-op (that was later in my homeschooling life).

 

Monthly park day, monthly Moms' Night Out, and the Wednesday library and Thursday field trip were my regular outings for many years. Dds had dance class or soccer practice or band practice, but those were in the late afternoon/early evening; ditto with 4-H, and of course, we had church on Wednesday evenings. Our lives were full but not crazy. :-)

[Luckymama]

OP, I am so sorry your mother compared you to another hs mom. That is just so not fair. :grouphug:

[Abecedarian]

Sometimes, asking for help in getting your kids involved in something they want is what is needed.

Perhaps your mom could help with the travel of your oldest to some activity?

 

I think the biggest mistake we can make sometimes is assuming that doing it all means WE actually have to do it all. :willy_nilly:

 

I have helped with the pick-up and drop-off of other hs mom kids who wanted to take part in activities with my kids and I have asked for help from other moms, too.

 

That extra help so I could stay home, or she could stay home, was priceless.

 

Would have loved to have had a mom who was around to ask...and I think she's opened the door to that conversation.

 

If she can't or isn't willing, then I think you should take a moment to think if there is another way to get help.

 

In the meantime, ENJOY your sweet peaceful times at home with those treasures, they leave all TOO SOON! :sad:

Linda

[Penelope]

You have a lot on your plate at the moment so I don't think you should feel the need to do too much. I do think that it would be good - if your eldest is ready - for you to choose one activity that builds independence and coping skills. For us, this was cub scouts then scouts, where my sons learned practical as well as social skills, and gradually became able to manage their own lives (packing for camp, dealing with tasks, finally managing tasks).

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

Yes, especially if that activity is something your DH or partner could help out with, so it isn't all on you right now with a new baby. Scouts is great for that. Or maybe something like karate, that's often in the evening, too.

[TracyP]

Your mom should meet my mom. :glare: Hmmm, or not. My mom is supportive but she is REALLY pushy about getting my kids involved in outside activities.

 

Thing is, it isn't naps. I am an introvert who doesn't like going out. It is tiring for me and the kids when I try to do too much. I know this about my family; I do what I think is best. Period.

 

My kids have Sunday School and piano lessons every week. Sometimes we have one other thing going on: swimming lessons, t-ball, a play date, church activity, etc. That is plenty right now. Trust yourself - you know what is best at this point in your life.

[SKL]

If you're taking care of your family's needs, you are doing all right.  Maybe Poster Mom has kids who refuse to nap and will run screaming and tearing the house apart if they don't go to activities.  Whatever, she is doing what works for *her* family, and you need to do what works for *yours.*  Invite your mom to babysit for several hours while the kids are at their worst, to give her a taste of why you think naps are kinda good right now.

 

On the other hand, there are people who get anxious/depressed and end up avoiding things as opposed to making a positive choice to do something else.  I don't know you at all, so I'm not being critical, but I do know some people who manage to make reasonable things into a Big Exhausting Deal because of some baggage that they have.  And a lot of times, this boils down to feeling guilty for not being Supermom.  I know once I accepted that xyz was not EVER going to get done until my kids were a lot more independent, I think I became a better mom.  :)

[briansmama]

I still plan our day around quiet time, formerly nap time!

 

The possibility of an ASD diagnoses is one more reason to homeschool, in my mind.

 

You get to choose the best way to educate your dc, not your mother- she had her turn.

 

I'd be setting some firm boundaries with my mom if she treated me like that.

[boscopup]

Yes, especially if that activity is something your DH or partner could help out with, so it isn't all on you right now with a new baby. Scouts is great for that. Or maybe something like karate, that's often in the evening, too.

Agreed! My DH takes my boys to hockey most of the time, so I usually don't have to deal with it. I usually handle scouts, but that's not every week, and it's late afternoon or early evening because most of the kids are in private school.

[shanvan]

I'm going to try to keep this short.  I am feeling rather emotional as my mother compared me to the poster homeschool mom in the community and showed me just how short I fall.  It doesn't feel good.

 

What I am wondering, is there seasons in life where it is ok to NOT do it all?  Is it ok to plan my life around nap schedules rather than put my kids in every homeschool activity offered?

 

While my parents have been supportive of our homeschooling, they have suddenly become unsupportive now that we are seeking an ASD assessment for our oldest child. 

 

At the moment I am feeling as though there is nothing that I do that is right.

 

As said by many, of course it is okay to stay home.  FWIW, to some, you are the poster homeschool mom b/c you are home tending to your family instead of running all over creation.  The 'poster' mom locally (the one everyone in the local group wanted to be like) was into everything under the sun and is now in the process of backing out of it all b/c it has finally dawned on her that her youngest special needs child probably needs more of her time focused on him at home.

 

I've come ot the conclusion that there is no poster homeschool mom.  Perhaps there could be a collection of posters--but, my!  That would be a big collection.  Doing what is best for our families, meeting our needs, our children's needs and dealing with the circumstances we are given is just going to be so different for each mom.  It is not possible to hold up one mom and say "this is what we should all be doing."  I just wish the newer and extremely insecure moms at the local homeschool group would come to this realization.  It is painful watching someone try to recreate the exact lifestyle (including the same activities and curriculum) of some mom they have set on a pedestal when it is so obvious that the people and circumstances just are not the same.

 

Anyway, I think it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to for this time in your life.

[blondchen]

OP, I am so sorry your mother compared you to another hs mom. That is just so not fair.  :grouphug:

:grouphug: This was my first thought. Ugh. NO COMPARISONS. To anyone. Ever. Your mom is WAY out of line.

 

YES, it is okay to not do it all. I'll go even further and say that it is NEVER OKAY to even attempt to "do it all". Life is full of choices. You have to say no to some things in order to say yes to others, and a lot of times saying yes to certain outside activities turns into saying no to quality family time at home and a peaceful household. By all means, plan your day around the naps. That's not just okay - it's GOOD if your family needs that. Roll with it. What's right for one family is probably not exactly what's right for yours. Figure out with DH what is most important for your family - right now - and say yes to those things and no to whatever gets in the way. 

 

Ignore your mother, and/or confront her if she gets under your skin. Your parenting choices are none of her business. Period. If you are in the habit of asking for her opinion, then stop now. Since she had the audacity to compare you to another mom, she is not an emotionally safe person with whom to talk about these things. No one needs that kind of input in their life, from anyone.

[blondchen]

As said by many, of course it is okay to stay home.  FWIW, to some, you are the poster homeschool mom b/c you are home tending to your family instead of running all over creation.  The 'poster' mom locally (the one everyone in the local group wanted to be like) was into everything under the sun and is now in the process of backing out of it all b/c it has finally dawned on her that her youngest special needs child probably needs more of her time focused on him at home.

 

I've come ot the conclusion that there is no poster homeschool mom.  Perhaps there could be a collection of posters--but, my!  That would be a big collection.  Doing what is best for our families, meeting our needs, our children's needs and dealing with the circumstances we are given is just going to be so different for each mom.  It is not possible to hold up one mom and say "this is what we should all be doing."  I just wish the newer and extremely insecure moms at the local homeschool group would come to this realization.  It is painful watching someone try to recreate the exact lifestyle (including the same activities and curriculum) of some mom they have set on a pedestal when it is so obvious that the people and circumstances just are not the same.

 

Anyway, I think it sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to for this time in your life.

Yes, yes, yes.  :thumbup:

[KeepItGoing]

What a hard situation, to feel that your mother is disappointed in your choices! I'm so sorry you're going through that.

 

So, is it okay to just stay at home for a season? Of course.

 

I do believe, however, that it isn't healthy for the kids to stay at home forever. At some point they really do need to build significant relationships with people who aren't related to them, and get used to entering new social situations, and such. Do you anticipate that a day will come when you won't have naps to deal with? If you plan on always having a new baby, then I think that yes, your kids' social skills will in fact be impaired by being at home. But if you anticipate having more energy at a later time to provide more outside contacts, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

If it were me, though, I'd try to keep social contacts going. I'd try to have a playgroup in my home, or a singing hour, or something so that we could see other people. It would be healthier for the kids, and healthier for me.

 

I do have to add to this, that one of the things I regret the most is not helping my oldest develop good relationships when she was younger. I was at a stage when I was suspicious of other people and worried that their kids might influence my kid in a bad way, so I didn't really encourage friendships as much as I should, and felt sort of satisfied inside when a friendship didn't work out for her. (Boy, does it hurt to recognize that now!) The result was a kid who felt (and, to a lesser extent, still feels at age 20) like an outsider. She did eventually develop good friendships, starting at around age 12, but her patterns of thought were relatively established by then. She did have some issues of her own which caused her more troubles making friendships than other kids did, but I failed to work hard to get to the bottom of those problems, and her entire life will be affected by that. (I don't regret the homeschooling, though—because I think her problems would have been worse in a school environment—although we might have dealt with the difficulties sooner, so it's hard to know how things would have worked out.)

 

I wish I could just say, "Of course it's fine! Whatever you feel is right for your own family, is right for your own family!" But I really wish that someone had told me, back when my oldest was 5, that it was really important for me to put a high priority on finding children that she could enjoy. In my blindness at the time, I thought it didn't matter because she had me, and I was teaching her about how to treat people, and she was reading books about other people. I thought that was enough for learning about life! I was totally wrong, and I wish someone else had tried to help me see how wrong I was.

 

Of course, we can only do what we can. I know a woman whose children could not, for life-and-death medical reasons, go into public for two or three years when they were young. Are her kids going to be okay? Yes. Are they profoundly changed by that experience, in ways that will cause them struggles in the future? Also yes.

 

But something tells me that you're not at that extreme! And I imagine you aren't standing in the way of your kids' social relationships the way I was. Enjoy being at home right now. Plan for your kids' needs, doing what you can when you can.

[BoZeeCo's Mom]

Yes!  Your kids are little and with a baby nap time is so important.  For you, too!  I make my 3 have two hours of quiet time every afternoon so I can lay down.  Before I was pregnant, I would use those 2 hours for emails, cleaning, shower, you know, things I can't do unless they are away from me.  Now that I'm having another baby, I need to take naps and will be using that time to have one on one time with the baby when it comes.  It's so easy to compare yourself to someone that looks like they "have it all together," but I am good friends with lots of those ladies, and believe me, they are missing out on a lot.  I agree that a fun thing to do is to stayh home but then join some sort of homeschooling group.  You'll find lots of support, your kids will have fun, and the commitment can be minimal.  

 

Good luck, sorry about your mom, but don't let it get you down!  Don't forget the reasons you are homeschooling!  

[Marie131]

Thanks so much for your encouragement.  I think I need to take a step back from my mom.  I often tell her what is going on in our home, not for advice but for encouragement.  She is an emotionally unhealthy person, I think I need to look for encouragement somewhere else.  Which is upsetting to me b/c we have always been very close but I find it difficult to have the energy I need to have with my very demanding kids when I feel weighed down by my mother.

 

The funny thing is that our kids aren't involved in nothing.  This fall they are involved in piano lessons, soccer, church activities and swimming.  We have already done 3 field trips this year and library trips.  We have had play dates, shared meals with friends and neighbors and live in a neighborhood swarming with kids.  It's not like they don't have outside interaction.  But none of this counts, according to my mom, b/c they aren't with the homeschool group.

 

Before my pregnancy, I was very involved.  But my pregnancy was high risk and my baby a preemie so we took a step back.  I felt a lot better doing less and I want another year where we don't have to do everything.  For some reason I feel I have to justify this??

[MomatHWTK]

If you are truly dealing with ASD, it is my personal experience that  no one will understand what you are going through.  The things that it seems like it should be simple to do aren't any more.  People have no idea how much emotional energy it takes to navigate the child's world and keep everything on an even keel.  They have no idea how much it takes out of a parent to have to reset their own minds evertime things go sideways with the child.  Even the most attentive grandparents get only a glimpse.  They may have experienced some of the ups and downs but it is not the same as living the ups and downs 24/7. 

 

Also, your mom may be unhappy about finding out something might be "wrong."  I did run into this situation- "There's nothing wrong he's just a boy..., just this, just that...."  Well, the person was partially right, he is who he is and we love him.  But that doesn't mean we don't seek the best for him and that means testing and treatment.  KWIM?  From the outside it is all just so unreal.  From the inside it is too.  I still don't know what is happening some days. :grouphug:

ETA: Your schedule looks exhausting to me! 

 

 

[Ellie]

Thanks so much for your encouragement.  I think I need to take a step back from my mom.  I often tell her what is going on in our home, not for advice but for encouragement.  She is an emotionally unhealthy person, I think I need to look for encouragement somewhere else.  Which is upsetting to me b/c we have always been very close but I find it difficult to have the energy I need to have with my very demanding kids when I feel weighed down by my mother.

 

The funny thing is that our kids aren't involved in nothing.  This fall they are involved in piano lessons, soccer, church activities and swimming.  We have already done 3 field trips this year and library trips.  We have had play dates, shared meals with friends and neighbors and live in a neighborhood swarming with kids.  It's not like they don't have outside interaction.  But none of this counts, according to my mom, b/c they aren't with the homeschool group.

 

Before my pregnancy, I was very involved.  But my pregnancy was high risk and my baby a preemie so we took a step back.  I felt a lot better doing less and I want another year where we don't have to do everything.  For some reason I feel I have to justify this??

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You're doing fine. Your children are doing fine. Your mother means well, but she's not your children's mother--you are, and she's not a homeschooler--you are. You don't have to justify your decisions to her. We, your homeschooling peers, are telling you that what you're doing is just fine. Stay home, which is, after all, where *home*schooling takes place. (You might find that you like it much more than going to co-ops and whatnot. :D )

 

[freeindeed]

((Hugs)) to you. Of course it's okay. Last year was our first year to do homeschool co-op. I chose not to do it before that because that is what was best for my family. My little one was undiagnosed until last year, and we were in crisis mode around here...trying to figure out if her self-hitting and meltdowns and extreme anxiety were physical or behavioral. It was all I could do to get up and breathe and function every day, plus homeschool and take care of all the things a mom has to handle. Don't let anyone, not even parents, put pressure on you. By the way, my little one is autistic, visually impaired, developmentally delayed, and mentally insufficient. Hearing the diagnosis was painful, but it was so much better than not knowing. :grouphug:

[LindaOz]

I'm going to try to keep this short.  I am feeling rather emotional as my mother compared me to the poster homeschool mom in the community and showed me just how short I fall.  It doesn't feel good.

 

What I am wondering, is there seasons in life where it is ok to NOT do it all?  Is it ok to plan my life around nap schedules rather than put my kids in every homeschool activity offered?

 

While my parents have been supportive of our homeschooling, they have suddenly become unsupportive now that we are seeking an ASD assessment for our oldest child. 

 

At the moment I am feeling as though there is nothing that I do that is right.

 

 

Is it OK just to stay home?  Yes, yes, a thousand times 'yes'.

 

Think of all the great things you wouldn't have time to do if you kept going out all the time :-)

[Mommy22alyns]

Whaaat?  Yeah, time to ignore your mom.  Of course it's okay to not do it all!  I sure don't and I only have 2 kids and no babies!

[KeepItGoing]

Is it okay to stay home for a season? Yes. But you're not even staying home! You sound like you're doing great. Keep up the good work, and surround yourself with healthy people who love you!

[JRmommy]

I'm in the same boat. I have a 1 year old who is as unpredictable as they come, especially regarding naps. So, this year, we are staying home! No co-ops or classes. We do go to the park once a week or even twice a week on occasion. But, for now, my 7 year old and I are HOMEschooling literally!

[lmrich]

Stay home. Some if my favorite home school memories,are form the year I was recovering from ankle surgery. I had to stay home. I read aloud more, we did more craft projects and played more games. As soon as the cast came off the business of life crept into fast. (My kids were 11, 9, and 6 that year) enjoy them while they are young. It will not be long before you are consumed with rushing around.

[kbutton]

If you are truly dealing with ASD, it is my personal experience that  no one understand what you are going through.  The things that it seems like it should be simple to do aren't any more.  People have no idea how much emotional energy it takes to navigate the child's world and keep everything on an even keel.  They have no idea how much it takes out of a parent to have to reset their own minds evertime things go sideways with the child.  Even the most attentive grandparents get only a glimpse.  They may have experienced some of the ups and downs but it is not the same as living the ups and downs 24/7. 

 

Also, your mom may be unhappy about finding out something might be "wrong."  I did run into this situation- "There's nothing wrong he's just a boy..., just this, just that...."  Well, the person was partially right, he is who he is and we love him.  But that doesn't mean we don't seek the best for him and that means testing and treatment.  KWIM?  From the outside it is all just so unreal.  From the inside it is too.  I still don't know what is happening some days. :grouphug:

ETA: Your schedule looks exhausting to me! 

 

Oh, I absolutely agree with this! I have two boys, and my older one (just turned nine) was diagnosed with Asperger's a couple of months ago. I like to jokingly think of him as a part-timer because he compensates quite well until all of the sudden, it's all a big mess. Because of that compensating ability, some people just don't get it (others who've only seen us at a bad time think I'm a terrible parent). My younger one has some quirks of his own in a totally different direction that we're trying to tease out.

 

You have plenty on your plate! Best wishes with the evaluation process. 

[lifesadream83]

You know your kids and what is best for them!  You are fine!  I have a 9 month old and a 4th grader... if I was running all over doing activities we would never get school done... We do a Funschool Coop...every other week... the weeks in between we do a field trip... so essentially we only school 4.5 days a week... the rest of the days... I school with the baby in a sling.. between naps... between feedings... whenever I can which makes for chaos... but you do what you gotta do...

[Sahamamama]

It took me a while to ignore the criticism from my parents (and others), but I get better at it with practice. ;)

 

Look at your signature: "Mom to three beautiful sons and a baby girl." Focus on the "mommy" part of who you are, and let the "daughter" part change, if necessary. As you and your husband make decisions about your children, other people -- your parents included -- may not agree with your choices or methods. This may be true, no matter what choices you make. The critics could always "do better." Some people are seriously delusional about this and about their own history as parents. :glare:

 

The best thing I've learned over the past two or three years has been to -- this will sound awful -- care less about what my parents think of my parenting. In the end, I am the Mommy. I've learned how to filter out the bombardment of negativity, maintain a relationship with them, and change the topic. My kids, my decisions. End of discussion. :)

 

My father still has yet to visit us without asking my children, "So, when is your mother going to put you kids in a real school?" My children are 6, 6, and 8, and they completely ignore him when he does this. We simply don't engage. He's only saying it to "push buttons," anyway, so what's the point? He has no idea of what we ACTUALLY do as homeschoolers. He's never asked one SINGLE, meaningful question. Just poke, poke, poke. We have nothing whatsoever to say to him about any of it.

 

In the end, you are the Mommy. Focus on loving and teaching your children, politely ignoring your parents, keeping a united front with your husband, and all will be well -- whether your parents ever respect you or not.

 

As a mother, I don't "move over" because my parents show up. KWIM? So when your parents start in on you, say to yourself, "I am the Mommy." Let your confidence soar in that, because you are the blessed mother of three beautiful sons and one adorable daughter!

[Hot Lava Mama]

You know what is right for your family.  If you are getting negative feedback from someone, ANYONE, you owe it to yourself, your sanity, and your family's well-being to stop conversation with that person.  I find it especially cruel that she is choosing a time when you are struggling with other issues to be so unsupportive to you.  She sounds cruel.  Perhaps she usually isn't, in that case, you need to tell her in specific words how cruel she is being.  Moms need to be there for their kids when they are having a hard time.  Many aren't. 

 

You need to look to the wisdom of the experienced moms on this board.  They have been in your shoes. 

 

Take a break.  Do what you need for your kids.  Do nothing if you need to.  It isn't bad.  You won't always be doing nothing.  You just need it right now.  Take as long as you need.  Don't stress. 

 

Good luck.  There are heart our here rooting for you.  Keep it up.  You are doing fine!

Hot Lava Mama

[MomatHWTK]

I have learned that I have to be much more assertive in telling people, "This is all I can manage right now- either help me or butt out!" 

 

FWIW, saying something did help my situation.  The person not being supportive really didn't realize all that we were dealing with. 

[8filltheheart]

Marie,

 

After reading more details and everything your kids are involved in, goodness, I agree with the PP that your schedule sounds exhausting! When I read your OP, I imagined your mom's concern was bc she thought you were overwhelmed and felt like school meant you could never leave your house. I would shut down with that many outside activities, so you are super mom in my eyes!

 

Fwiw, if your mother is that unhealthy for you, I agree with all the posts that say you need to establish some sort of mental boundary for yourself while you go through the diagnosis for your child and until you have your feet firmly under you on how you are going to help your child and are moving forward in a new normal.

 

My family was demeaning and just plain cruel when we were going through everything with our ds. In hindsight, I should have avoided discussing it with them until much later and then have just slipped something in a casual conversation in a definitive way. Since I engaged them before all testing was completed, I heard everything from "just leave him with us and we'll fix him" to "they only problem with him is you don't know how parent him." Now, yrs later and his behaviors readily more noticeable as odd, even by those who aren't around him all the time, they act like they were always supportive and recognized the behaviors and are pros at diagnosing Asperger's from a distance. (Insert huge eye rolling simile here)

 

I'm all for cocooning when a family needs it. Nurture yourself and your kids and don't allow anyone in that isn't a nurturer.

[Hunter]

Missionary and homesteading and children that get dragged along while their parents pursue unusual careers, spend little time with other children, but turn out even more socialized than typical children.

 

Children are like candy. Too much of a good thing will make them rotten.

 

As for kids on the spectrum, I don't believe that more social situations help. My ex had an uncle that blames his mom for his social struggles. I don't buy it and neither did his mom.

 

My spectrum kid was in school until early 5th grade, and lots of activities until early 3rd grade. it was easier for people not to blame me when they could compare busy with staying home.

 

Stay home as much as you want and make a HOME. It's worth it.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

In my opinion and experience, if your kids still need naps that schedule is WAY more important than outside activities! Of COURSE there are seasons in our life when we shouldn't try to do it all and shame on your mother for comparing you to anyone else! :glare: :thumbdown:

[Alicia64]

OP, I am so sorry your mother compared you to another hs mom. That is just so not fair. :grouphug:

 

I agree. Two things:

 

1) our parents generally -- this doesn't pertain to you SWB -- come from a different world where school is King. And no matter how hard they try to support homeschooling, the smallest bump in the road makes them want to run back to the "safety" of their King (who is wearing no clothes but I digress).

 

2) I've had kind comments (never mean) sent my way that others who have older kids and toddlers think I'm a poster homeschool mom which I honestly think is silly. It might look that way on the outside, but inside I'm constantly questioning which road to take. Plus my kids are older. My life would look so different with a baby or toddler.

 

Hang in there!

 

Alley

[Abecedarian]

Finally found the article to pass on to others re: expectations when they haven't homeschooled.

http://preschoolersandpeace.com/blog/2007/1/10/what-non-homeschoolers-may-not-know.html

[laundrycrisis]

Frankly, I would tell Mom to take a flying leap, and have a good time at it. 

 

Whatever works for your family is perfect for your family.   And yours is the only one that needs to matter to you.

 

Your mother should go tend to her own beeswax.

[Pen]

It can be good to stay at home even when children are older.

 

Have your mom read The Hurried Child and Simplicity Parenting as things to keep in mind along with her poster mum ideas.