That is not how you tell family that someone died!

[athena1277]

Dh has an uncle (his mother's brother) who has been sick for some time with a degenerative disease.  Uncle passed away this morning.  How did we find this out?  Facebook and e-mail.  An aunt by marriage posted it to the family FB group and then to her own wall.  I saw it first on the group page.  I tried to call dh at work since I did not want him to find out that way.  He can't be reached by cell phone at work, so his mother probably had not called him.  I left him a voice mail on his desk phone to call me. Then checked my e-mail to see that MIL e-mailed dh, his siblings and their spouses to let us know.  Dh will probably see the e-mail before he gets the voice mail.

 

I am not close to the uncle, so I'm not really upset by his death, but I am so irritated that they thought it was acceptable to let everyone know in this way.  I realize that the family is large.  MIL is one of 9, who all have kids and grandkids.  Still, they should have waited a bit to announce it on FB to at least give everyone a chance to be called.

 

All of you that think it's just the younger generation who tells big news via e-mail/FB/text, be warned, the older generation does it also.

[----]

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[Tammyla]

:iagree: Some news should be given with more caring than a simple  mass email or FB posting.  I'm also growing to think some people, simply want to be the first and willfully ignore the feelings of the family involved.

[J-rap]

I guess I don't have a big problem with that. If it were an even closer relative -- such as my own sibling -- then I'd have a problem with it. However, it sounds like it is a large family with lots of nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. Maybe they felt it was a quick way to tell everyone all at once. I'm sure they have a lot of things to think about right now, not to mention the way grief zaps you of any energy at all.

[Catwoman]

I think it was inconsiderate and tacky.

 

If you want to tell the world on FB, make sure you notify close family and friends personally beforehand.

[Harriet Vane]

The flip side of that coin is to consider how emotionally draining it is to make that call, over and over, to tell people personally. That call is usually made by those closest to the event, so they are the ones most deeply affected and most emotional.

 

Cut them some slack. Give a little grace for a hard situation.

[kewb]

Even though I wouldn't do it I get it. You are emotionally drained and now have to make a bunch of phone calls.  When my father passed away there were many times I thought how much easier it would be to just write one email and send it to everyone.  I had one of my friends notify all of my other friends.  I can almost guarantee someone was probably offended that I did not call personally. 

 

Be thankful you were informed and try to be understanding that this is a difficult time for the grieving family and they are probably just trying to get the information out there efficiently.

[marbel]

The flip side of that coin is to consider how emotionally draining it is to make that call, over and over, to tell people personally. That call is usually made by those closest to the event, so they are the ones most deeply affected and most emotional.

 

Cut them some slack. Give a little grace for a hard situation.

 

I think there was a discussion on this very topic not too long ago. 

I agree with the above.  I was the person who had to call everyone to give the news that my mother had died.  Of course I called my siblings first.  Neither of them felt up to making any other calls so I had to call the aunts, etc.   My sister just screamed on the phone  and throughout that first day called me back several times to scream some more.  I had to call her adult children because she didn't feel she could do it.   (We lived in separate states who face-to-face wasn't an option.)  In between those calls I had to make others.  My mother's sister screamed and hung up on me, only to call back several times throughout the day. 

 

If I could have told some of the more distant relatives by email or even facebook, I would have.  It was exhausting and draining for me, and it took a long time before I could even attend to my own grief, not to mention all the arrangements, some of which needed to be dealt with right away.  I guess that sounds selfish, but it wasn't just my siblings who had just lost their mom.

 

Of course I would be upset to learn that my brother or sister had died via facebook or email.  When my remaining aunts die, I expect to hear it via one of those means.  I hope their sons and daughters use whatever means they are most comfortable with to notify those who need to know.

 

Sorry, hot button for me I guess!

[Mimmy]

I think it's perfectly acceptable. It wasn't your child or parent. I've been in the situation of having to make dozens of phone calls during a family crisis ( near death and extended hospitalization of my infant niece). Certain people got all upset with me because they thought I should have called them before I called other people. And because a few times I sent email updates instead of phone updates. I was seriously offended to find out this was being talked about behind my back on the phone and Internet.

 

I would have been the one that had to notify people if she had died since my sister and mom would not have been able to do it. If I could have emailed or facebooked people I absolutely would have. Phone calls are so much more emotionally draining when you have to repeat things over and over and answer the same questions and listen to the grief of the person you are calling when you are already a mess.

 

Everyone needs to show extra compassion and grace to each other in a crisis. I think you should give your family members the benefit of the doubt, they are probably doing the best they can.

[catz]

Even though I wouldn't do it I get it. You are emotionally drained and now have to make a bunch of phone calls.  When my father passed away there were many times I thought how much easier it would be to just write one email and send it to everyone.  I had one of my friends notify all of my other friends.  I can almost guarantee someone was probably offended that I did not call personally. 

 

Be thankful you were informed and try to be understanding that this is a difficult time for the grieving family and they are probably just trying to get the information out there efficiently.

This exactly. I have a lot of grace for people dealing with the death of someone near and dear to them and doesn't necessarily have the strength to call and try to talk and comfort a lot of people individually. It's great that some people do, but it would be a huge emotional black hole for some people to have to jump through that hoop during one of their darkest days.

 

I'm sorry for the OP's loss. :(

[HS Mom in NC]

FB and email are not how I would do it if calling is an option, but ONLY for those who are very close.  But not everyone is like me and my preferences are not the only ones to be considered.

 

I don't think it's categorically cruel, rude, insensitive or tacky to use FB and email.  When you have to notify large groups of people who may need time to make travel plans for a funeral, I think it's a legitimate option. I know LOTS of people who prefer email or FB private messaging for receiving important information. Some even consider public posting on FB as a legitimate way to send information.   When you're completely distraught over the loss of someone close dozens of phone calls can be overwhelming.  Besides, someone just died and there are plenty of people grieving.  It's time to over look offenses (perceived and real) and do what you can to mourn and help others as they mourn.

 

I agree that we have to keep historical perspective here. I think there was a time that people expected to be told in person rather than on the phone but society got over it-even when someone could have taken the time to show up in person with the news.  Now the phone is universally accepted rather than electronic messaging. We're just heading in the direction where electronic communication is going to be accepted by most people if it isn't already.

 

When my maternal grandparents died I informed their nieces and nephews through email each time even though I had their phone numbers.   My siblings were called. My mother was an only child.  If she hadn't been I would've called her siblings.

[VeritasMama]

I've always gotten a phone call for close relatives (grandparents, great aunts and uncles). I can't imagine not making the sacrifice to call close relatives and let them know, no matter how drained I am.

 

I've also made phone calls to my siblings and other family to deliver bad news in order to save other family members who were closer to the situation from the emotional burden. Is there no one in he family willing to do this?

 

I get how hard it can be, but you either suck it up or find someone else who can be a messenger for you. To my mind, this is just another example of our society doing the easy thing instead of the right thing because the right thing is now considered too "hard" and there is no longer enough social stigma attached to being emotionally lazy. After all, why make an emotionally draining phone call when everyone is on FB anyway, right?

[twoxcell]

 

The flip side of that coin is to consider how emotionally draining it is to make that call, over and over, to tell people personally. That call is usually made by those closest to the event, so they are the ones most deeply affected and most emotional.

 

Cut them some slack. Give a little grace for a hard situation.

:iagree: Did you expect them to call each family member individually and rehash a a painful event? I would not expect a call about a death of a not so close family member and would not be offended by an email or Facebook message. At least they cared enough to let you know promptly. Now if it was my parents or a sibling then that would be different.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I posted last week we were texted about a death. Not cool, but most who responded said its part of the times :-(

[Pippen]

Communication has changed.  No offense was intended.

 

Beyond parents, siblings, and friends or family members that one is extremely close to, informing people digitally is very common.  I would think it might be preferable in a very large family where informing everyone is time consuming--at least this way everyone receives the news at once.

[ktgrok]

It wasn't long ago that that kind of message was done via telegram.  That was totally acceptable. I can't see any difference between and email and a telegram, really. It wasn't a close family member, and it wasn't unexpected. 

[Prairie~Phlox]

I don't see what the big deal is for all of the above reasons. Especially if this was ongoing and you knew he was near the end. Unexpectedly, I'd have different feelings. I think people just need to realize this is the way of life.

 

When I had a dissected artery last year, my MIL, who never texts, sent my SIL a text message to tell her. It was a pretty big deal, but I really don't care, at least she told her.

[J-rap]

I've always gotten a phone call for close relatives (grandparents, great aunts and uncles). I can't imagine not making the sacrifice to call close relatives and let them know, no matter how drained I am.

 

I've also made phone calls to my siblings and other family to deliver bad news in order to save other family members who were closer to the situation from the emotional burden. Is there no one in he family willing to do this?

 

I get how hard it can be, but you either suck it up or find someone else who can be a messenger for you. To my mind, this is just another example of our society doing the easy thing instead of the right thing because the right thing is now considered too "hard" and there is no longer enough social stigma attached to being emotionally lazy. After all, why make an emotionally draining phone call when everyone is on FB anyway, right?

I feel I need to comment on this, even though of course I understand where you are coming from. I definitely agree with you regarding this in some situations!

 

Why should the ones who are most drained and grieving be given this responsibility if they don't feel they are emotionally up to it? That is simply a cultural tradition. As someone else mentioned, in the past, this news was sent via letter or telegram. Then at some point it switched to telephone. Now there is email. I don't get why it matters how the word is spread. It does not mean you as the recipient of the information are not important or loved or cared about.

 

I think we need to be wary of the blurry line between cultural traditions/etiquette and what is really essentially important.

 

If anything, the ones who are the recipient of this information who feel it was done in poor taste should take the ball and offer to call people themselves. Please, please don't keep putting burdens of tradition or what is proper etiquette upon people who are grieving or suffering something very difficult.

 

I do speak from experience. A grieving person is not emotionally lazy; they are probably emotionally in shock.

[twoxcell]

 

I've always gotten a phone call for close relatives (grandparents, great aunts and uncles). I can't imagine not making the sacrifice to call close relatives and let them know, no matter how drained I am.

 

I've also made phone calls to my siblings and other family to deliver bad news in order to save other family members who were closer to the situation from the emotional burden. Is there no one in he family willing to do this?

 

I get how hard it can be, but you either suck it up or find someone else who can be a messenger for you. To my mind, this is just another example of our society doing the easy thing instead of the right thing because the right thing is now considered too "hard" and there is no longer enough social stigma attached to being emotionally lazy. After all, why make an emotionally draining phone call when everyone is on FB anyway, right?

Why should they suck it up, and who decided a phone call was the proper way to notify someone. Having a telephone in everyone's home or a cell phone are fairly modern inventions. Technology changes and with it so does etiquette. ;)

[Ameena]

The flip side of that coin is to consider how emotionally draining it is to make that call, over and over, to tell people personally. That call is usually made by those closest to the event, so they are the ones most deeply affected and most emotional.

 

Cut them some slack. Give a little grace for a hard situation.

 

 

This. I've gone through this twice in the last couple of years, first with my dad and then my mom. With Dad, it was his request for us NOT to tell the rest of the family  until after the funeral - HE didn't want them there to cause a scene. So after the funeral was over, I called my brother & he told the rest of the family. I posted on FB for the rest of the family.

 

With mom, I simply couldn't handle calling my SIL to tell her. SIL & I really don't get along {SIL is verbally abusive & loves to pick a fight}, and I strongly feel that if SIL hadn't caused issues & picked a fight with Mom, Mom would probably still be with us now. She pretty much made Mom give up. So I posted on FB and I am assuming at least 1 of her kids read it and told her. If not it's NOT MY problem. She never once bothered to call in the 6 months that Mom was sick, so why should I make a special effort when I am struggling already to manage everything, just to notify her.

[Tammyla]

Did I read the op wrong?  It was an aunt by marriage and mil/sister of the uncle were jumping to be the first with the scoop via a mass emailing and FB, not the immediate family of the deceased. 

 

I totally accept giving a pass and grace to those very close to the deceased, but it still appears to me a rush to be the first vs. a caring for those reading the news.

 

 

I could be reading it wrong, but having read this kind of information in the recent past has left me a bit touchy on the topic.

[happymomofboys]

If God forbid anyone close to me passed away I would have no choice but to post it to FB.  I do not have a phone number for any of my husband's family.  The only family member whose phone number I have is my own mother.  She has numbers for her siblings, a couple of my father's siblings, and my grandparents.  Everyone else I contact via FB.  If I had to contact each and every one of them to get their phone numbers to call them each individually it could take days and time away from mourning and comforting my family.  I could see myself just posting a mass message to FB asking people to call me to get information.

[Rebel]

I would only call immediate family. Everyone else would get a mass text or email.  In my family, it has always been by phone tree, so to speak.  My grandmother died in February and all the grandkids were extremely close to her.  The nursing home staff called the daughter whose phone number was listed first as point of contact. That daughter called her two siblings who in turn called their children (grandkids).  The first daughter also called my grandmother's sister who took care of the rest of the extended family.

 

I have gotten texts or facebook messages about uncles and cousins who have passed on.  It really just depends on how close I was to the relative who passed.  I would not expect a personal phone call about the uncle who I only saw and spoke to twice a year.  My grandmother, however, I talked to for at least an hour twice a week.

[VeritasMama]

I feel I need to comment on this, even though of course I understand where you are coming from. I definitely agree with you regarding this in some situations!

 

Why should the ones who are most drained and grieving be given this responsibility if they don't feel they are emotionally up to it? That is simply a cultural tradition. As someone else mentioned, in the past, this news was sent via letter or telegram. Then at some point it switched to telephone. Now there is email. I don't get why it matters how the word is spread. It does not mean you as the recipient of the information are not important or loved or cared about.

 

I think we need to be wary of the blurry line between cultural traditions/etiquette and what is really essentially important.

 

If anything, the ones who are the recipient of this information who feel it was done in poor taste should take the ball and offer to call people themselves. Please, please don't keep putting burdens of tradition or what is proper etiquette upon people who are grieving or suffering something very difficult.

 

I do speak from experience. A grieving person is not emotionally lazy; they are probably emotionally in shock.

I completely see what you are saying. That is why I have volunteered to call people in a crisis, to take the burden off of those who are closer to the situation. When relatives die, someone should take up that task for those who are too emotional to do it. I'm not saying a widow needs to call her children and let them know their father died if she is in shock, but someone should do it. And then they should call others who would be willing to also personally spread the news by calling other relatives.

 

My pint was that there are ways to spare the grieving without resorting to a post on FB. I think before you post something like that someone needs to personally tell those close to the deceased. I guess I consider nieces and nephews to be close relations, I understand other families might not.

[kitten18]

I guess I don't have a big problem with that. If it were an even closer relative -- such as my own sibling -- then I'd have a problem with it. However, it sounds like it is a large family with lots of nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. Maybe they felt it was a quick way to tell everyone all at once. I'm sure they have a lot of things to think about right now, not to mention the way grief zaps you of any energy at all.

 

 

The flip side of that coin is to consider how emotionally draining it is to make that call, over and over, to tell people personally. That call is usually made by those closest to the event, so they are the ones most deeply affected and most emotional.

 

Cut them some slack. Give a little grace for a hard situation.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I've always gotten a phone call for close relatives (grandparents, great aunts and uncles). I can't imagine not making the sacrifice to call close relatives and let them know, no matter how drained I am.

 

I've also made phone calls to my siblings and other family to deliver bad news in order to save other family members who were closer to the situation from the emotional burden. Is there no one in he family willing to do this?

 

I get how hard it can be, but you either suck it up or find someone else who can be a messenger for you. To my mind, this is just another example of our society doing the easy thing instead of the right thing because the right thing is now considered too "hard" and there is no longer enough social stigma attached to being emotionally lazy. After all, why make an emotionally draining phone call when everyone is on FB anyway, right?

Those who are suffering the most should just "suck it up"? Wow. :glare:

I'm glad no one thought I should just "suck it up" when my parents died. :crying:

[VeritasMama]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Those who are suffering the most should just "suck it up"? Wow. :glare:

I'm glad no one thought I should just "suck it up" when my parents died. :crying:

I wasn't clear, I didn't state my point of view very well or in a sensitive enough manner. i did not mean that you should "suck it up" and call everyone you know. But surely someone called your siblings? Surely there was someone who could've called those closest to the deceased? I consider nieces and nephews close enough to warrant a phone call. If those closest to the deceased are too upset to do it, it is understandable. Then someone else needs to "suck it up" and make the unpleasant phone call, a friend or family member who feels up to it. But those phone calls are never pleasant for anyone, I've made them myself. And so I think we will see more and more people opting out of the unpleasant personal contact in favor of FB. I'm arguing that that isn't the way we should interact with our close relations, even if it is the norm.

 

If there is no one able to make the call, perhaps it would be better to wait a day or so and then maybe someone will feel up to it. In the meantime, I would refrain from putting it on FB until the close relations and friends have been notified in person.

 

BTW, I have found out about the death of old friends and classmates online. That doesn't bother me at all. But I consider aunts and uncles to be close relations, I would want to find out about that in person first.

[Bootsie]

I have received texts and emails regarding the death of a family member (aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.)  or a close friend.  I can see how it might be easiest on the family to communicate in that manner and get the word out to those beyond the immediate family. 

 

I have not liked, however, when someone beyond the immediate family has taken it upon themselves to post on Facebook that someone has died before the family has had an opportunity personally to contact family members.  In one case, I had a cousin that posted on Facebook how sad she was because she had just left the hospital and that her Aunt Molly had died. At the time, Aunt Molly had NOT died.  Yes, death was imminent and the family had been called in.  One son, who was flying from another state saw the facebook post while he was at the airport and thought that he would not arrive in time to see his mother.   When posting these types of notices on Facebook or sending mass emails and texts, the individual needs to make sure that it really is their decision to make of how to spread the word.

[sunnyca]

I have just had this very sad experience and am trying hard to be gracious just to keep the pain of losing my mom from being compounded by the pain caused by criticism.

 

Having been there, I now recognize the importance of measuring carefully every word I say to, or about someone who is grieving.  The opinions expressed here are interesting and I thank you all for posting.  It helps to understand differing perspectives.  

[PeacefulChaos]

Idk... I can sort of see where it would be acceptable in some situations.

They may not apply to what you are talking about, BUT if everyone close to the deceased had already been told (by phone call or in person, I'm assuming), then it makes sense to me to put it out there in a more public, easily accessed way, whether that be a facebook group or email.  

I mean, I don't expect to be called to hear that my great-great-aunt passed away.  I expect to be called if it was someone I'm close to or knew well at any point in my life.  Someone who is related who I didn't really know so well? I think social media is fine.

[marbel]

 If those closest to the deceased are too upset to do it, it is understandable. Then someone else needs to "suck it up" and make the unpleasant phone call, a friend or family member who feels up to it. But those phone calls are never pleasant for anyone, I've made them myself. And so I think we will see more and more people opting out of the unpleasant personal contact in favor of FB. I'm arguing that that isn't the way we should interact with our close relations, even if it is the norm.

 

 

 

I get what you are saying.   You are right, it would be great if someone else would make some of the calls.  Often though no one will do it.

 

Then there are the people who are going to be annoyed no matter what.  I have friends who would make the calls for me if I felt unable to do so.  I can well imagine some family members being offended that the task of calling was offloaded to a mere friend and not done by a bereaved family member.  "How impersonal!" I can hear some people sniffing. 

 

People so often seem to forget that most of us are doing the best we can under less-than-ideal circumstances.

 

[Word Nerd]

When my aunt became very ill and was hospitalized, we knew it was serious and the doctors didn't expect her to pull through. I heard about her passing on Facebook first, as my cousin's DD posted about it. It didn't occur to me to be offended. My first thought was to comfort the young woman who had just lost her grandmother. Instead of telling grieving people to "suck it up" and demanding that the only acceptable way to share important news is over the phone, I would urge anyone whose irritation about proper etiquette supersedes their ability to extend grace to others to "get over yourself."

[Joanne]

It's not the same thing, but during the years Adrian was in the hospital so constantly, I posted on my FB, tagging his so friends and family would know.

 

For deaths, I'd call a small circle of people depending on who died and the relationships, and mass communicate to the rest.

 

No disrespect would be meant, it would be self care and efficient use of resources, including time and emotional.

[Murphy101]

I didn't call anyone when my mother died. I don't see how that is my job. Those closest to her of course knew. They were there when she died. But I didn't feel a need to call everyone she ever knew and extended family. Maybe that makes me whatever you want to call it, but um yeah I just didn't do it.

This. No one ever calls or otherwise contacts "everyone". If you are close, then you likely were there or called. Everyone else finds out however the grapevine eventually gets it to them. *shrug*

 

There's a few folks who take it upon themselves to occasionally act on behalf of those who are closer to the deceased and it usually does not go over well. Those closest to the deceased should be able to notify who they want, when they want, and how they want.

 

Where's the paradigm of grief diagram thingy about dumping out from it, not in towards it?...

[Julie Smith]

I guess I don't have a big problem with that. If it were an even closer relative -- such as my own sibling -- then I'd have a problem with it. However, it sounds like it is a large family with lots of nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. Maybe they felt it was a quick way to tell everyone all at once. I'm sure they have a lot of things to think about right now, not to mention the way grief zaps you of any energy at all.

 

I have 37 cousins. All but 2 are married with kids. I certainly don't expect a phone call for important things. If it was my brother or parents sure - but other then that I would expect to hear it from the grapevin. (I don't facebook)

[Danestress]

Honestly it sounds like you have a very large family and were not particularly close to the deceased. I don't really use Facebook, but I guess some families do, and I am a little unclear in what that is so bad, assuming the receiver of the new wasn't really close.

 

It sounds like some people feel that being 'family' entitled them to have some kind of special notification. I don't really feel that way about a lot of my family. I wouldn't call my cousins and aunt just because they think their status as 'family' makes them special. It doesn't. The people who regularly visited and cared for my Dad were the only people I really felt obligated toward. I can honestly say it never occurred to me to even ask how his cousins, nephews, and nieces learned of his death.

[MinivanMom]

When my aunt became very ill and was hospitalized, we knew it was serious and the doctors didn't expect her to pull through. I heard about her passing on Facebook first, as my cousin's DD posted about it. It didn't occur to me to be offended. My first thought was to comfort the young woman who had just lost her grandmother. Instead of telling grieving people to "suck it up" and demanding that the only acceptable way to share important news is over the phone, I would urge anyone whose irritation about proper etiquette supersedes their ability to extend grace to others to "get over yourself."

 

This.

 

I assume that most of the people who are so insulted over finding out about deaths electronically (email, facebook, text) have never been the one making the phone calls, writing the obituary, planning the funeral, writing the eulogy, delivering clothes to the mortician so he can dress the body, running to Kinko's to print the funeral programs, calling social security to be sure they know about the death, calling the estate lawyer, etc, etc.  If you aren't immediate family then the death isn't about you.  Get over yourself and show a little compassion. (general you, not the OP)  I say that as someone who did make personal phone calls to close family, but I completely understand why it's just too much for some people.  And if you are a cousin or a great-niece or an in-law twice removed . . . really, you wanted a personal phone call?!

[Tap]

I think this is going to be more and more common.  FB and Text are just so commonplace in some peoples lives that it just makes sense to them to utilize those methods of notifying people.  Im not on Facebook, but honestly if I was notified via text that my chronically ill sister passed, I would wait until a convenient time and then call my mom to check in.  It wouldn't offend me in the least.  I would be happy that it was a simpler way of getting the word out to everyone quickly and with minimal effort by my mother.  I have seen her spend the better part of the day making calls,one after another, all while she is trying to grieve and make funeral arrangements.   I doubt anyone but my mother knows all the phone numbers and knows who to call.  We are not a close family, so I don't even have any of my 7 (living) siblings phone numbers...let alone my 20+ cousins, 5 living uncles, etc.   If she could wipe out over 30 individual notifications with one text or FB, I say go for it.  

 

 

When my g-ma died, I didn't hear for several days.  The phone tree of calls missed me.  Everyone thought that someone else called me. It wasn't until my mom called to ask if I was coming to the funeral (a days travel) that I even knew she passed.   If she hadn't called to verify my travel plans, I would have missed the funeral entirely.