If you have a 8+ age gap between kids, please help me with several questions. I'm pregnant with 2nd child and my son is age 7.5

[Lora_M]

I'm a long time reader of the forums, but am just now posting myself.  I need some reassurance as I'm giving myself an ulcer with this worrying!!!  Thus I'm finally "breaking my silence" and hopping on here myself with this, my first post.

 

Here's my situation:

I'm age 38 and my husband is 39.   We are expecting baby # 2 secondary to condom failure (all we know is that I'm pregnant and we've only ever used condoms but....given how erroneously my husband dons them --- I wasn't TOO surprised that the condoms "failed"....it's funny that wee were even discussing vasectomies in the weeks before I found out!).     Quite some surprising news!   We have been married 18 years!!!     Originally, we both wanted more than one child, but I didn't get my period back (from nursing) until my son was 3.5 years old!!! and by then my husband was VERY opposed thinking we were too old and there would be too big of an age gap (coupled with his mother having terminal cancer and living with us at that time during her last years ----- this, I think, was really the BIGGEST factor -- the stress of caring for her in the end stages).       Despite the initial shock, we are all THRILLED with this baby!   When my husband and I saw that little one in my womb on the ultrasound we just wept for joy!    I'm SOOO glad my son won't be the only and will have a lifelong sibling.  But, I just can't help but try to process / anticipate the changes that will be brought about by this new little one.

 

Our son is 7.5 years old and will be 8 years and 3 months when the baby arrives.  We are choosing to be surprised with the baby's gender.    

 

Here's some info on my son in case this affects your response to me about my questions below.    He's somewhat nerdy (likes to read).  He's very sociable and readily interacts with anyone.   He's mostly around adults given that he's homeschooled and is an only so he tend to talk/sound like a mini-adult.   (i.e. He came in a few minutes ago and said, "Mom I don't know that I like the looks of that Skylander; he looks very macabre.").    We were at the grocery store this morning and he said to the lady behind us in the check out line, "Looks like you picked the best looking grapes they have!"      (he sounds like me).     He's somewhat hammy.    Talks A LOT --- quite a magpie.   Is very sweet to our pets and is very merciful/soft hearted -- wants to let a wasp out rather than smash it, etc.       Has always been very willing to share his toys/isn't possessive at all.       But....he's been USED to my TIME and attention for YEARS!

 

 

If you have such a gap, please tell me about it.   I'm really concerned about how their relationship will develop and whether they'll get along/interact given such an age gap.   Will their differences divide them?    

 

I'm especially concerned about how I'm going to adequately parent both of them given the gap.    His schooling will be changed/interrupted by baby needs and baby will be dragged to his events.    

 

Also, when my son leaves the nest, this child will be 10 years old.     What will become of their relationship?    How will my youngest cope with the loss of his brother?   I don't want them to grow up and not MAINTAIN a relationship.      My son has known life without a sibling for 8 years, but this baby will only know life with his/her

brother?   Won't this be hard to cope with?      Then I've thought about maybe I should turn around and get pregnant again so that baby #2 and #3 will be stairsteppers so that baby 2 won't be so hard-hit with the moving away of older brother?     Also, I DREAD parenting an only child AGAIN (I don't want to be playmate/his or her EVERYTHING again).     But, the flip side of trying to have a 3rd might be that baby 2 and 3 will be best buds and my son (oldest) will be left out and he'll feel ostracized as an adult.     

 

 

I know I need to just chill, but I'd really like to pick the brains of those of you who've BTDT.   Can you shed some light?

 

 

Thanks,
Lora

 

[gardenmom5]

okay - breathe. it will be o.k.a.y.

 

your son sounds delightful - and will probably love being able to read stories to baby.

 

I have five. two oldest were in college when dudeling was born.   the former youngest was 12 1/2.  if you encourage and give opportunities for the relationship - they will have one.  also allow the older one to have his own time.  dudeling would be happy if all of his siblings were around him at all times with all attention focused upon him.  they have fun with him.  they have enjoyed watching him grow and develop and the things that come out of his mouth.  they also have their own lives.

 

the hardest thing was activities.  somethings just aren't appropriate for a young child - but everyone would take turns with him doing what he could do.  sometimes I got a babysitter for us to do "adult" things.  (e.g. movies I don't think are appropriate for his age - but the rest of us went as a family.)

[Chris in VA]

See my siggy for gap.

 

When we told our boys they were going to have another brother or a sister, one said, "Well, that's stunning news!"

The other said, "This is going to change everything."

 

Right on both counts.

 

They love their sister, no doubt about it, but various issues, along with the years between them, have meant it's really like having an only, at least in terms of interaction.

 

I will just say, I wish I would have or could have had one in between the boys and my dd, and one after her. But who knows the would have beens.

 

Enjoy your expanded family. In some ways, it's easier to have a spread. Just take what comes, try to listen to your son, and keep aware of his feelings.:-)

[Parrothead]

I have an only. I've never been her playmate. She has friends for that. I think it is healthier.

 

There are 16 years between my mom and her sister. They are very close even though my mom moved out of the family home when her sister was four years old.

 

Don't borrow trouble. Find your son, and eventually the new baby, a friend or two.

[Arcadia]

If you have such a gap, please tell me about it.   I'm really concerned about how their relationship will develop and whether they'll get along/interact given such an age gap.   Will their differences divide them?    

 

I'm especially concerned about how I'm going to adequately parent both of them given the gap.    His schooling will be changed/interrupted by baby needs and baby will be dragged to his events.    

 

Also, when my son leaves the nest, this child will be 10 years old.     What will become of their relationship?    How will my youngest cope with the loss of his brother?  

 

My mum had my younger brother (only sibling) when I was 8 years 5 months and she was 38. My dad was 39.

However nothing is predictable so I would honestly stop worrying about them and just cross the bridge when it comes to that.  There are lots of issues that play into siblings relationships.  Age gap is just one factor that may or may not have significant effect.

 

Here is how my parents cope with it for my outside classes. I was in public school throughout and knows the public bus system inside out.

For weekend classes, my dad brings me to them while my mum stays home to nap with baby.  For weekday classes, my aunt kindly chauffeured and I took the public buses when I feel like it since we stayed in the city and public transport was hyper easy.  Walking home at your son's age was also easily doable for me. My mum was working as a shift duty nurse even after my brother was born so we have a different situation. My aunt was my free afterschool care when needed and I was used to being a latchkey child.  My parents also have family friends as backups in case they could not get me from any events that requires an adult to sign a child out.

 

I had a babysitter kind of relationship with my brother. I pick him up from school often and all his elementary school teachers know me.  I make sure he gets his homework done and buys stuff he needs from the mum and pop stores next door. Folding and stacking cloth diapers is easy. When I left to stay in university dorm, my brother was in 3rd grade.  I was back every weekend though as my university is near home.  I was dating during the weekdays so I could bring my brother out on weekends.  He is a homebody though and from birth prefers to be home than out. I prefer to be out than home so that add on to the dynamics. People mistake me for my brother's mum whenever I am in formal attire. I was also the youngest granddaughter and my brother was the youngest grandson on both sides of the family so plenty of emergency babysitters from extended family.

I like Legos, Playmobil and trains, my brother was not interested.  I like reading, my brother wasn't.  So even without the age gap we would not have played together.  

[Spryte]

We have a similar age difference.  :)  ...And at about the same ages in our own lives.  

 

First, your kiddo sounds amazing.  He's going to be a great big brother!

 

I'll share our experience, if it helps.  Just to be clear though, we also have a 21 year old in the mix.  He is my stepson, and lived with us half time until going away to college.  He was 12 when DS (now 9) was born.  They've always been super close, and great together.  The love hasn't diminished with DSS going to college, either.   :)

 

But that aside... 

 

DS is 9.5, and our DD is 2.5.  (DSS was not at home anymore when DD came along.)  ...DS and DD are great together!  DS always hoped for a little sibling, especially a little sister, so there's that to factor in.  They are super close, and so sweet together.  They play, they talk... They team up.  I am amazed.  I can't say that they will always be this close - but I hope so.  We did the usual prep before DD arrived - we had DS help out with decorating, and he made special gifts for DD, that sort of thing.

 

It has impacted school work, I have to plan more carefully.  You'll get lots of advice about that here.  

 

Congratulations!

 

 

[AK_Mom4]

Although the gap between kid #3 and kid #4 for us is only six years, there are 8 years and 10 years between my other two and DD12.  My older kids were pretty surprised when they found out that we were going to have another kid, but handled it just fine.

 

DD12 adores her oldest brother - they have had a special relationship right form the beginning.  For years, DS21 was little dd's seat-buddy in the car.  He sat next to her and  picked up things she dropped and sang songs to entertain her.  All three of my big kids were a great help with littlest dd - not just fetching things for me, but also because they did so many fascinating things that held DD's attention when I needed a few extra minutes for a shower or whatever. 

 

Of course, all three of my olders are positive we spoil DD12 terribly.  I prefer to think of it as we are much better parents this time around because we have some experience under our belts.  One small toddler is much less work than 3 kids under five and so things are much smoother for all of us.

[gracesteacher]

My brother has three kids the first was eight when they had another she was 16 when the baby was born.  They she is really close and protective of both brothers. 

My brother and I are 15mos apart and are not every close at all.

[bobbeym]

They'll be fine together; don't borrow trouble where there may not be any.  They'll squabble like all siblings do and it'll probably feel like you're raising two onlys when your DS starts to become more independent as a teen.

 

I am 8 years 2 months older than my oldest brother, and 9 years 4 months older than my youngest.  I loved having little brothers and was viciously protective of them.  Neighbor kids quickly learned to leave them alone or they'd have to deal with me. :laugh:  

 

They were annoying when I was a teenager and started dating, but I still loved them like crazy.  They were both still in grade school when I got married, moved away, and had DS19, but we're all still very close. Probably closer now that we're all adults and one of them has a kid of his own.

 

I think it's funny that there's the same age gap between my kids (19/15) and my nephew (6), and the cousins all get along fabulously with each other.

[TammyinTN]

When our son was born the girls were 10 and 8.  The loved on him like crazy.  They were awesome little helpers, and he enjoyed just watching them.   

 

 

[Mom in High Heels]

James Bond and I had both just turned 38 when Han Solo was born in 2011 and Indy was just shy of 9, so I get your situation (ours was due to birth control not working).  I had many of the same worries, but it's really been great.  My boys adore each other.  It's kind of ridiculous how much they adore each other.  Indy loves to help out with Han Solo and Han Solo practically worships Indy.  Schooling is a bit more difficult, but we manage just fine.  The first year was harder for me, because I was tired all.the.time.  The second year was easier, because Han Solo slept through the night and Indy was old enough to do some of his work on his own.  

 

As for the attention thing, I was worried because Indy was used to having all the attention, so I made special times and activities that didn't involve Han Solo at all.  Indy and I have gone away for day trips and even over night trips without Han Solo and had a great time.  I wanted Indy to know that even though there was another child in the house, that didn't make him any less special.  To be honest, we have had no issues with jealously at all.  Indy loves being a big brother.

 

Relax and take it easy.  Think about all the good times you guys will have together and what a great role model your older son will be for the baby.  Oh, and an added plus, if you really need a nap, you can get your son to watch the little one (once he or she is a toddler) while you go take a quick nap.  YAY!

[Ravin]

I can tell about several families.

 

First my own. My 2 are about 7 1/2 years apart. They get along very well. DD is occasionally annoyed by her toddler brother (usually when he gets into her stuff), but greatly enjoys playing with him, too.

 

Then, a friend of mine who homeschools. She has 3 boys, one is an adult but still at home (partly because his special needs put barriers to his independence, partly because the family relies on him as part of the household--overall in a healthy way I think). The oldest 2 are about 7 or 8 years apart, and the youngest is 4 years behind the middle. The oldest 2 boys get along well, and Oldest is very helpful in managing Middle (who has Asperger's), especially when negotiating social situations they're in mostly for the benefit of the youngest (such as playdates with our family).

 

DW#2 is 7 or 8 years older than her next oldest sister (there's another one who is another wide gap the youngest). The two of them were very close growing up, partly because DW#2 was relied on a good deal by her single parent mother to help raise her. They are still close.

 

DH is 9 years older than his maternal half-brother. They weren't especially close as kids, but once his brother became a teen they grew closer (partly because he turned to DH as a role model after his father and paternal uncle who he was close to died). BIL has lived with our family for almost 10 years in a house-sharing/sublet type arrangement. The two brothers are definitely close.

 

Then, there's my maternal grandmother. She was much older than her next-youngest sister (12 years I think), at least 6 years, and for a long time was resentful because she (like DW#2) was relied on by her parents to help raise her younger siblings. (I think her father died when she was pretty young). However, in their later years they were very close; my great-aunt took on a lot of the responsibility for caring for her toward the end of her life when her relationship with her eldest daughter who lived in the same area had disintegrated (grandma had some problems and the family dynamic wasn't healthy when my mom and her sisters were kids, nor for a lot of their adulthood).

 

Finally, there's my sisters J and K. Both were fostered by my mom to adulthood and are not biologically related to each other. But J was around a lot when K was in my mom's home, and took the big sister role with her (K is the eldest in her family of origin, which piled responsibility on her when she was barely an adult and landed custody of 3 younger siblings after her father was killed). The two of them were and remain very close.

 

So my overall thesis here is that wide-separated siblings might not always be close, but they might be closer during certain phases of their lives--especially in adulthood. I think it may be easier to manage sibling relationships when they are children because there isn't as much risk of a sibling rivalry dynamic as there might be when they are close in age.

 

Congrats on your new addition!

[HS Mom in NC]

Mine girls are 17,15 and 8.

 

The 17 and 8 year olds are closer than my 15 and 8 year olds.  Those two have a severe personality clash.  My 8 year old was adopted internationally, so we had difficult transition issues that just won't apply to your situation. I can tell you that what you're facing carting each to the other's events or sharing school time with infant/toddler time is a breeze compared to what we went through.  We managed-you'll thrive. Don't worry about it. 

I know people with kids who have nearly 10 year gaps that are fast friends.  I know one or two with conflict issues like my 8 and 15 year olds.  Predicting the future is hard.  Could go either way for a lifetime, or it could go through different phases.

 

I think Western culture is prone to being hysterical and fussy about things.  Increasing numbers don't want to do anything unless they think it'll be perfect or nearly perfect.  Humanity has endured and thrived through far more challenges than we ever will. Most didn't fret over children not bring the center of attention or other little extravagances. They didn't view children as psychologically frail as modern western culture does.  They didn't have child-centered cultures like we do.  It's good for children to support someone else being the focus of an event or parental attention.  Children who don't get that in family or some other situation (if they're only children) are the people we should worry about.

 

If your kids don't get along, don't worry-the older one will be off doing all sorts of things in the home and out of the home.  Just make sure you proactively pursue social outlets for your youngest like I do. Be sure to set a reasonable minimum standard for behavior and interaction at your house but don't worry about them not being close.  Some siblings just aren't particularly close.

[lynn]

I have 2 adult children who were 10 and 12.5 and a 3rd son who was 5.5 when baby girl was born.  Relax, don't think so much about it.  Your son will be just fine.  You can start letting him know how much attention the baby will need and if he feels left out for any reason to let you know.   Everything will fall into place naturally.    When ds 3 was born the two older boys loved him, read to him, played with him, protected him.    When dd was born everything went on with no issues.   Home Schooling happened daily, we found a schedule that worked around babies and then later toddlers.  It all worked out.

[Suzanne115]

I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old and it has been great.  Both of my girls are adopted.  Our youngest daughter was adopted from China.  It took much longer than expected for our adoption to be completed.  I worried about the age difference, but my girls love each other.  At first my oldest did have some jealousy issues, but she worked through them pretty quickly.  We just made sure to give her plenty of attention too.  

 

 

Congratulations on your baby!

 

Suzanne

[dbmamaz]

my kids from first marriage were 7 and 11 when my youngest was born.  My 11  yo claimed that this baby was a LOT less annoying than the other one - i'm pretty sure its because she didnt compete in the same way.  My older is very 2E - bright but immature.  as soon as the younger one started playing video games, they got along fabulously.  My youngest saw his sister very much as a second mom.  When she moved out, the rest of us were pretty thrilled, because she'd been extremely rude and even cruel to us - but not the youngest.  She had never turned on him, and he missed her a lot.  

 

I'm honestly planning on putting the youngest in school for high school so I can get back to work - i only starting homeschooling the boys when they were in 7th and 1st.  

 

but you know, family is family.  they will have a relationship.  It will be different than if they were only 2 years apart, better in some ways and worse in others.  They will still be siblings and still love each other and fight with each other.  It will be fine!

[Catherine]

My youngest is 8 years and 10 days younger than his brother, though there is another brother in between. They are now 12 and 20 and as youngest grows up they are developing a real relationship that is mature. It thrills me. Eldest has sometimes been a "babysitter" and, true confessions, has not been at all close to either brother until the past couple of years, when their relationship has grown and become real and satisfying.

 

Right now, eldest and youngest are closest, but that changes and evolves with time. You simply cannot predict the future. My next door neighbor has 2 boys, 8 years apart, and they are as different as night and day. Only time will tell. Regardless, congratulations!

[Carrie12345]

It's going to be okay!

 

I don't have any gaps that sized without other children being in between, but my oldest has siblings 4, 5, 9, and 12 years younger. DD1 is 8 years older than the youngest and DD2 is 7 years older than him. Each of the gap relationships is different b/c each kid is different. My oldest is best with the 12 year gap. My older dd is better with the 8 year gap than my younger dd is with the 7 year gap. They're all very individual and bring different things to the relationship. There isn't even a HINT of any rhyme or reason.

 

You'll all adjust, really!

[go_go_gadget]

My parents were 40 and 41 when I was born. I can't speak to how it was for my parents, but my sister (10 years older) and I are closer than any other siblings I've known. There have been times when I've been close to my brother (13 years older), but mostly not because he's a little bit ''off''. I've sincerely wondered if he has some kind of attachment disorder, but that's another story. My sister and I speak in unison (for more than just a word or two) so often that's it's a running joke in our family, we have the same laugh, and my kids are always saying that's it's so weird to see my facial expressions and hear my voice coming from someone else.  When my daughter was about six months old she screamed if strangers touched her, but she met my sister for the first time and went to her like she'd known her always. I could go and on, but suffice it to say that a significant age difference doesn't mean anything about how close siblings can be. I also have friends who have siblings very close in age, with whom they aren't at all close. 

 

Congratulations on your surprise!

[2_girls_mommy]

I will be 39 in a few weeks.  Dh just turned 48.  We found out this summer that we are expecting.  My dds will be 9.5 and 11.5 when this one is born.  I am most nervous about my out of the house volunteering positions.  I don't who is going to be able to take over girl scouts for me, that kind of thing... I also figured out that the year my oldest is a senior in high school and the other will be a sophomore, this one will just be starting K!  There goes my plan of going back to work to put them through college. 

 

 But my girls are thrilled.  I am nervous about several things: how tired I will be, how are we going to get school done in the toddler years, etc.  But am also very excited, though still finding it hard to believe.  I am reading all of these posts closely!

[Lora_M]

Thanks.   Your insights and stories are encouraging.

 

[kroe1]

Mine are 20 years apart. The oldest was the youngest's nanny for 5 years so they are close. Both are video game junkies so they have common interests. I do not think age has much to do with adult sibling closeness. It is more like other friendships, having common interests and complementary personalities.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I come at this from 2 angles: as a parent, and as someone who has a sibling almost 9 years younger.

 

First--it'll be OK! Kinds can have a wonderful relationship, regardless of age. In fact, your son is old enough to genuinely take part, be helpful, have great memories, and learn some responsibility.

 

BUT--don't make him the babysitter. Yes, it's fine later on for occasional nights out and short trips etc, but this can easily get too convenient and out of hand. That's when resentment builds up and relationships/bonds are jeopardized.

 

Have fun! There are so many wonderful things about having kids a little later in life :)

[Guest]

Just wanted to say, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!  :party:

[LeslieAnneLevine]

My younger sibling and I are nearly 13 years apart, with no kids in between. We have the same parents and she was not an oops (though there is nothing wrong with oops babies!--I only mention it to show that some people plan it this way). I also have another sibling who is older than me by a few years. There are pros and cons to ANY age gap.

 

I wouldn't worry too much now about when your older son leaves the home, etc. It's just going to be what it is and there are pros and cons to that as well. Also, your firstborn might not want to move out at age 18. When he does leave, he may not go far. I ended up leaving the country when my younger sister was 8 and it was hard on her in some ways, but she also got to travel a lot and experience life where I lived. She also became an aunt as a teenager and loves her nephew.

 

I just took a little trip with both my siblings, my mom and my son and it was great. I'm very proud of my little sis and growing up she had two much older siblings who loved, supported and believed in her.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

Just wanted to say, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!  :party:

 

Oh yeah, that too!!! 

[JRmommy]

Congratulations on #2!

 

My kids are only 6 years apart. My son is 7 and daughter is a year old. When I was pregnant, my son was absolutely thrilled. Your description of your son sounds similar to mine.

 

However, after she was born, he fought for attention. He was very upset with me every day. He was used to having all of the attention. His attitude totally shocked my husband and me. He was so excited! We thought we did well in helping him make the transition. He went to every appointment with me while I was pregnant. We read books about having a new baby sibling. But, when she arrived, he was very jealous. He enjoys cuddling, and when I wore her in a sling, he would want to be held, too. I tried to carve out as much time as I could when my husband was home for just my son and me. Sometimes, he just preferred to be with daddy because he was so upset with me.

 

A year later, things have gotten better. He is very aware of his feelings and knows how to communicate them well. Even though he loves his sister dearly, he still fights for attention. He is still adjusting to the new normal. I wish we would have gotten him into some type of therapy. Perhaps that would have helped some. We still may.

 

I don't expect them to not get along as they grow older. I have a sister 7 years younger than me and we've been closer than the sister just a year and a half younger than me.

 

I don't want to sound discouraging at all, but I wish someone would have shared with us this possibility. I would have had a therapist/counselor on speed dial just in case.

 

I wish your family well as you make this transition! It's going to be an adjustment for everyone. Take one day at a time!

[MistyMountain]

I don't have kids with a large age gap at least at the moment but that was how I grew up. My sister was 9.5 and my brother was 7 when I was born. I was a later in life surprise baby. In some ways it felt like I was a only child. I didn't have any peers or kids to play with but I did have a good relationship with my siblings. I looked up to my older sister. At times I know I was a pest like when she was a teenager and had friends over and I wanted her attention. I didn't have a close relationship with my brother growing up but there were times he would take me trick or treating when my mother was sick or take me sledding or make me feel better when kids at school were making fun of me. It was cool when my older siblings could bring me places or do things with me because they were not y parents and it just seemed cooler. Once I became a teenager I developed a close relationship with my sister. Now that we are all adults I have a good relationship with my siblings. My brother and I are both introverts who are not big on calling so we don't talk all the time but we do have a good relationship and have remained close.

[PeterPan]

Big gap here too, almost ten years. They love each other. It will be FINE. He's bright and will be a generous and loving big brother.

 

As far as a third, you may have lactational ammenorheaaaa again. Just let it happen. Four to five or six years would be really good to me. :)

[Kari C in SC]

Okay, just stop worrying. There were 9.5 years between my first and second child. I had similar worries. None of it panned out. My oldest ds adored his sister and then 6 years later his little brother. My oldest 2 grew very close. With homeschooling, they spent far more time together than they would have with public school. My ds helped me out from day one and was an extra set of eyes on the babies. He loved them more than anything. When he passed away, so many of his Army family came forward and told me so many things they had heard about his sister and brother. Relax it will all be fine.

[Scrub Jay]

My two are almost 7.5 years apart. So far it has been wonderful.

[KRG]

I have 2 boys. They are 13 years apart.  Don't worry--it all works out! Mine are now almost 3 and almost 16 and right now they have made  a fort in the living room and are having a great time playing :)  

Dh and I were both in our 40s when we had #2(a very much wanted surprise but we gave up on the idea a long time ago of every having another one).  We briefly thought about having a third child but our ages by the time they are grown was more of a concern than having another baby in our 40s.  
 

Just relax and enjoy--you'll be surprised at how quickly time flies this time around!

[ktgrok]

My children are 14, 3, and 10 months. So there is a gap of 10 1/2 years between the oldest son and the next child. They get along great, he adores his sister, mothers her, it is fabulous. Seriously. And my husband and his brother are 10 years apart and are close. So really,stop worrying. Yes, there will be things your son can't do because of the baby, like having sleep overs when you are getting up 10 times a night wiht a baby still, or quiet plays or what not...but the added joy of a sibling makes up for it. It will be Great! Congrats!

[athomeontheprairie]

I haven't read the posts, nor do I have children with that large of a gap. HOWEVER, my husband has a 10 year age gap with his next brother. and 10 more with his youngest brother. the dynamics are definitely different then in families with siblings that are closer in age. but all three of them get along great ( though the youngest one pretty much had three dads :-) . can't be helped I suppose! ). despite their age difference, they still fight like sibling will, and they vie for moms attention ( which is entertaining to me and my sister in law, since the oldest two are married).

take a breath you'll be fine! your oldest will be a help and will learn to share your time. as they grow he will both be friend and helper. don't worry about all the what ifs of decades down the

road... you don't know what life look like that point. ( when the middle son moved out, my youngest bil was sad, but quickly realized that meant more time and money and opportunity was coming his way! )

[madteaparty]

I have 7 year difference between my two, my son just turned 7 when my daughter was born. I'll tell you what I expected and what has taken place thus far (I have all of 2.5 years of experience) :))

I found out the sex and it was a girl, and so then I relaxed and realised I would have two only children essentially. That they would not play much with each other, but also there would not be excessive rivalry either.

The relationship between the two of them astonishes me daily. They are so in love with each other (well, of course she adores him, but he loves her so too!). Now, at 9 and 2.5, they even play a bit together, simple things like him chasing her around and she giggling and hiding, etc. He distracts her in the car when we are on long drives, etc. It has been such an unexpected source of delight to see their rapport, and i cannot believe my great luck. Now, i do not think it was anything i did. I think their personalities do lend themsleves to this sort of close relationship: he is the cautios and careful firstborn, she is a crazy little baby wildcard that keeps him on his toes. That said, and people might flame me for this, he is very much my firstborn. I involved him as much as he was ready for int he pregnancy/birth thing. I considered (but ultimately decided against this) to have him in the room when I gave birth. He was at my big ultrasound when gender was revealed, etc. (as it turned out, he was with me during labor up until about 20 min before the birth, and was able to visit me an lie down in bed with me and the baby the next day, etc). Please feel free to PM me if any questions.

[Lora_M]

Thanks so much to all of you.   You've lightened me up for sure!

[Lora_M]

Thanks so much to all of you.   You've lightened me up for sure!

[Seedling]

My friend's boys are 9 years apart and they clearly love one another. Oldest is protective and tolerant and loves the big brother shoes.

[LizzyBee]

My kids aren't that far apart, but my mother had 6 kids over 17 years.  We are all close.  When my older sisters went to college and then had their first apartments after college, they would have us younger ones come and visit, take us shopping, take us out to eat in restaurants, and take us to zoos an museums. My only brother is the oldest, and when he got married, his wife complained that he'd say, "get me a glass of water," and all five of us girls would jump up to get it. I have friends who are not close with their siblings when there's a significant age difference, but that's not the case at all in my family.

 

Congratulations!

[xixstar]

There are 13 years between oldest dd and dd2. I think personality matters a lot. Teen was not a big fan of the baby or the next baby but as they are getting older I see such love between them all. It isn't the ibig sis that dotes on them but when she is in the mood they can have tons of fun.

 

I still feel like I have an only and then two children most of the time because of their very different stages and needs. But I forsee closeness in the future too, i might not have said that two years ago.