Relationship between parents-in-law and grandchildren

[Laura Corin]

If you are female and have a male partner, what kind of a relationship do your parents-in-law have with your children?  I'm watching the closeness between my stepmother and her first grandchild (daughter of her daughter).  She watches the baby two days a week (travelling 90 minutes each way and staying over night) while my half-sister works.  They are all very close.

 

I have boys and I wonder if it's possible to be that close to a grand child who is not one's daughter's child.  Feeling a bit sad that it might not be possible to build that kind of trust.

 

My relationship with my own P-I-L was not close - big cultural differences, but mostly we just didn't see them much because we lived overseas.

 

Be gentle with me.

 

L

[bettyandbob]

:grouphug:

 

Relationships are built on a variety of circumstances. My dc are not super close with my MIL, but they enjoy her. She makes a point of finding a small special thing to do with each of the older two every few months. I know my oldest called her frequently from his college this year. My dc are not super close with my own parents either and my own parents live .5 miles away. My oldest had the closest relationship. He frequently (a couple times a week) would stop by their house on his way home. My dad said some awful things to him in January and ds has limited his contact since (long sad story).

 

I never had a close relationship with my mother. So, it didn't occur to me to heavily involve her in our lives and she didn't really make an attempt. I do love my mother, but we don't have a relationship that has us calling each other daily. 

 

Perhaps in your case , part of the issue is distance. You didn't live 90 minutes away when your boys were small, you lived around the world. 

[mmeblue]

We live in the same city as my ILs, and my girls spend time with them at least once a week (MIL usually watches them for me for part of Wednesday so I can get some errands run).  Grammy and Grandpa are among their favorite people in the world. :)  

[DawnM]

My MIL strongly favors her grand DAUGHTERS, but that is because they are the children of her daughter, her favored one of her kids.

 

We have a very distant relationship with her and it is because she plays favorites. We don't want our kids near that.

[dakarimom5]

We have a nonexistent relationship with my mom and we see my MIL a few times a month usually. We all live in the city but the grandparents are too busy in their lives to be a part of my children's lives.

[NavyMommy]

I think a lot of it depends on the dynamics of the family. My in-laws are pretty close with my kids. I feel totally welcomed over there and comfortable with them so I don't hesitate to bring them over. They're probably 2.5 hours away and on average I would say we see them once a month, give or take. If they wanted to be more involved I totally would let them, but this is want. They both still work and have 2 other kids (although ours are the only grandkids) one of whom only moved out last summer for the first time (big age difference in DH and BIL). My kids have stayed with them for weekends and they're thinking of taking them camping when it gets cooler (I don't camp so that will be a grandparent only activity :) ).

 

Honestly a lot of it will probably depend on the relationship with your DIL. As long as your DSs are smart and don't marry a crazy wackadoodle I don't know any of my friends who intentionally keep their children away from their inlaws. We also waited 3 years before having children and that was very beneficial. It allowed me and my MIL to iron out the kinks in our relationship (including the one big blowout fight that I think everything MIL/DIL relationship has) and we're pretty close. She and I even do a girls weekend once a year at a Women's Conference and let the guys take care of the kiddos :)  

[carriede]

We live out of state from both sets of parents, so we only see them when we travel or they travel. My mom still has kids at home, whereas my PIL are empty nesters on the edge of retirement. So! My PIL have more time to come and visit us. DH and I try to split our travel time between our two families... So overall, we see my in-laws more.

 

In terms of relationship, both my kids LOVE all their grandparents. I do believe they are more comfortable with my PIL, but I think that's because they're so young and we see PIL more often.

 

My PIL and I also get along very well, if that means anything. They really are my parents now too.

[Plink]

My children are extremely close with my in-laws. We attend church together, vacation together, and see one another quite a lot during the course of a normal week. At least once a year the ILs take the kids for a few days and they stay up late, eat icecream for dinner, and go to amusement parks. It is a huge treat for all of them.

 

The kids are not quite as close with my parents because we see them only every other week or so, but their relationships are still very solid, and the kids look forward to visits with excitement. There is always a park day planned or a meeting that we need to attend together.

 

I think the key difference in our family is frequency of visits, not what they do together or who they are related to. Familiarity breeds closeness.

 

My parents are still working, and therefore have less free time to spend with the kids than my ILs. I wonder how the relationships will shift once my parents have the freedom to retire. I could easily see my mom being over every other day, and that would certainly change their closeness.

[marbel]

Family relationships can be so complicated.

 

My in-laws have very little interest in my kids. They are the only grandchildren but we (husband and I) don't fit their expectations and neither do our kids.  We also live pretty far apart so it's hard to see them frequently, though if the relationship were closer we'd make more of an effort.

 

My parents died a long time ago, my dad even before I was married.  My kids were pretty little when my mom died.  My older siblings' (brother and sister) kids had more years with her. She had her closest relationship with my brother's son.  There was a strong bond between them though as far as I could see she didn't display favoritism.  If anything, my nephew displayed it toward her, kwim?   They were just on the same wavelength somehow. 

 

So I don't know that it's a daughter thing.  Could be a personality thing.  My guess is that blended families are likely to have even more complications.  :grouphug:

 

 

 

[Lawana]

MIL recently died, after having lived with us for the last 11 years. Due to her personality and inability have meaningful relationships of any kind, she was close to none of us. Early on, dd would sit and listen to her stories from the past, but as she became a teenager, lost interest. MIL never had much use for ds, who was too active for her tastes.

 

So even though she had more than ample opportunity, I think it was her inability to form relationship that kept her from being close. Ds, by the way, is by far the most "relational" of all of us. He craves and needs close, warm, frequent interactions with others. It is sad that MIL completely missed the boat on that.

[Ravin]

My in-laws only have my kids as grandkids, so nothing to compare there...except mil is the only paternal relative my stepdaughter knows. DH hasn't seen her since she was 3 (she's a teen now). The split was NOT amicable on DH's ex's part, and mil basically sided with ex and plays to ex's rules so that she can stay close to her grandchild. She isn't close to my kids because I don't trust her. DH's dad and stepmom are nice, though DH isn't close to them. DD does occasionally spend the night with them.

 

My parents are all in another state. Stepmom is closer with her daughter's kids than with my dad's grandkids largely because of distance or, on my sister's part, avoidance. My dad doesn't work to stay close with my kids the way my mom does. With him it's an out of sight, out of mind thing, while mom makes effort to stay close by traveling to us or helping defray the cost of sending kids to see her.

[Tita Gidge]

My mom has a very close relationship with all of her grandchildren.  There is no way someone on the outside could distinguish which of those grandchildren came from her daughters and which came from her son.  People don't even know that 4 of her grandchildren are step-grandchildren who came into the family at the ages of 6, 8, 11, and 13. 

 

My in laws are awful in laws, but are dedicated and loving (if misguided) grandparents.  My husband's job kept him away and out of contact for lengths of time, so he wasn't usually around to run interference. I learned early to forge my own relationship with them - something between what a normal DIL might be (defer issues re: his parents to him) and their own child (take the bull by the horns).  It was exhausting, but proved a good thing - he's gone now, and it made the transition much easier because we were already mostly operating without his being present. If I never saw them again in my life, it'd be too soon.  The feeling is mutual. 

 

But my kids are in contact with them on a very regular basis.  They know well enough to be able to shop for us, by size and interest - especially the younger six.  Though they live states away, calls/texts/emails happen throughout the week.  Pictures are sent often, invites are always given and accepted for their extended family events.

[TheReader]

I think it is mostly built on the relationships each child has with his/her  parents. In my situation, I am not particularly close to my mom, and her closeness (or not) to my boys is a reflection of that. I am mostly pretty close to my dad, and he tries to garner that same closeness with my boys  (though he doesn't always succeed). 

 

On the other hand, my husband is incredibly close with his mom, and she is very close to our boys. We do notice a  hint of favoritism to her daughter's children, only a bit, but we're pretty sure the boys don't notice, and hopeful it will improve when we are again living in the US. When we visit, we stay with her for a month. She babysits the boys for DH & I as often as we need during that time. She sends care packages to the boys several times throughout the year while we're away. She takes the time to find out their interests and choose Christmas and birthday gifts that they truly enjoy. She plans things for us all to do together that allow  her to spend time with them and enjoy them. She's planning to host "fake Thanksgiving" for us while we are visiting this year, for example, and assorted other things. 

 

Because DH is very close to his mom, we all have grown very close to  her as well. I don't know how different that would be if I was closer to my mom; would our closeness to her suffer if I  had a parent I wanted to be more involved with? Or would our kids be doubly blessed by spending time with both sets? I don't know. 

 

As for hopes for the future, DH & I try hard to foster that same closeness with our boys that he had and still has with his mom; so far, so good. If we can remain a strong, anchor type person/people in their lives, they'll keep coming back/stick close to us (we hope). Hopefully as they venture into dating, etc., they'll find someone willing and eager to spend time with their family (meaning us) and that will last into married life, grandkids, etc. 

 

Anyway, seeing how it's played out in our life, I'm hopeful for the same with them, when I'm the mom-in-law/grandma. 

[lllll]

..

[*Lulu*]

I agree that it is more about overall family dynamic than the title of in-law.

 

My in laws live a bit over a days drive away, but have as close a relationship to my family as my parents who live in town do. I believe it is, in large part, due to the fact that my in laws treat me very well and have made me completely welcome and comfortable in thier family. Many years I have taken the kids for six week long visits with them, (sans DH), and that has helped create strong bonds between the kids and thier grandparents. They also visit here frequently, which is nice.

 

Scince DH is an only child, there is no compitition between which child has the most loved grandchild. I can see that dynamic being very destructive to relationships.

[Desert Strawberry]

My children did not know my mother. My older 2 met her as babies, but they never really had the chance to know her. She died 10 days before my third was born. They are not close with my father. He sees them maybe once a year. 
 

We live near my ILs. My children have a close relationship with them. They still don't see them terribly often. They see them once every few months, and the older 2 have a sleep over with MIL once or twice a year. 

 

My parents were very close with my brother's oldest kids. Visited often, talked on the phone every week after my brother's divorce. My mom isn't around to see his younger kids, and I don't think my dad is nearly as close with them. They are little, but live far away. 

 

MIL babysits D's little nephew. She's obviously closer to him then she she is to mine, who she's never had a regular babysitting gig with. 

 

D was raised half by his parents and half by his grandparents. He is determined that we will do all the child-rearing ourselves. 
 

I had close relationships with my cousins, but not with my older relatives. My parents were possessive of us. I didn't sleep away with a cousin until I was 11. That was fine with me. 

 

We just aren't close-family types. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think it has to do with the relationship before the grandkids come along.  My own MIL hated me from day one. And when we moved father away it was my fault.  And when grandkids came along everything I did was wrong.  

 

But honestly, her daughter lives across the street from her so she sees those grandkids daily.  You couldn't pay me to be there across the street.  It's their loss there is no relationship and my kids don't want to see her.  Dh doesn't want to see her.  

 

I think you can try and encourage the relationship but it comes down to her responding as well

[carriede]

So I don't know that it's a daughter thing. Could be a personality thing.

This, totally! Growing up, my family lived in FL and my grandparents were all in OH, where my parents grew up. We had an elderly couple for neighbors who were never able to have children of their own. They moved 3 years later, but in that time my family developed a very tight relationship with them. I was 12-15 but my little bro and sis very much saw them as grandparents.

 

Just with any other relationship, I think being a good grandparent is about time and effort. And not calling your grown children out on every little thing they do "wrong". ;)

[Jan in SC]

My MIL is not as easy going and nonjudgmental as she thinks she is, to me. However, she is really great with my children. We don't live too far away from her, so we manage to see her once or twice a month. She is very loving and open with the boys. I don't see any difference in the way she treats my children and her daughter's son.

[vonfirmath]

My in-laws live in Arizona.  Our kids are the only grandchildren.

 

They have a close relationship with my son (As close as can be expected living at this distance).  They gave us a webcam for his birth and we do regular webcams together. They come to visit here and we've been there.  DS went to visit over Spring break this year as well.

 

And now that he can write, he is trading letters back and forth with Grandpa.

 

Certainly a closer relationship than I had, growing up, with EITHER set of grandparents. (though we were in TX and they were in OH and TN)

[Danestress]

My MIL is close with my kids. She watched them some as little guys, was very active and encouraging with them. My own mom is also close to them.

[MomtoCandJ]

I can't really say anything about grandsons because dmil has two step grandsons that live in Georgia that we don't get to see all that often (like once every two years type thing) but she is really close to my dd ( we live maybe 15 minutes away) but not so close to dns who live about 1.5 hours away.

With my mom we are not sure yet, she spends a lot of time with db's kids but he lives like 5 minutes away and we live 5 hrs away. But when my mom is here she spends a lot of time with dd (and buys her lots of stuff but that's a whole different can of worms).

[Arcadia]

My parents and extended family are "nicer" to my kids mainly because they are worried about offending my brother's wife. My brother is the quiet kind and his wife does not quite blend in with our family culture. I am very vocal when unhappy so my extended family knows that if they "offend", I'll let them know so no second guessing required.

My in-laws favor the other grandkids even before we relocate and its no biggie since my kids aren't around to feel the favoritism.

Of my own grandparents, only my paternal grandma favors her favorite son's children. The rest of my grandparents try to be as impartial as possible.

[gardenmom5]

I don't think there is any stereotype, but just a reflection of the person they are.

 

My mil always spent more time with my younger sil's kids.  the older sil's kids, and my (her son's) were out of sight out of mind and didn't get much attention.  when I was younger, it was hurtful to me.  as they got older,  my kids were happy to not have her in their life.  I find it ironic, that my younger sil's girls, who spent the most time with her, ALL chose to get married somewhere to which their grandmother couldn't physically travel.  one of them even stated the only reason she was married where she did was so that her grandmother could not attend..

[Murphy101]

My in laws don't really like having kids around in general and don't spend much time with any of their son's children, boys or girls. My Dh is an only child.

[Ali in OR]

My kids aren't especially close to any of their grandparents, but I think it's mostly due to not seeing them much. The grandparents are great, but physically distant. To a little kid (mine anyway), postcards, skype, birthday messages, and Christmas gifts don't really build a relationship. Nothing replaces time spent with the child. I'm learning that if I want a relationship with my grandkids I will need to make the effort to see them multiple times a year, even if that means travel.

[MrsJewelsRae]

We live in the same town as the ILs, go to the same church, we even have the same doctor! ;) They are wonderful grandparents, we've had our difficulties in the past, but we have a good relationship. They have 2 boys, my dh being the oldest, I had the first grandchildren, BIL and SIL have the baby (we both have 2 boys and a girl). They really love their grandchildren and dote on them. Our kids love and trust them, they're very close, they bake cookies with grammie and grampie reads them stories. My parents are 4 hours away and 10 years younger so they're still working, we don't see them as much, probably every couple months. But my dad is the stuff Papas are made of, tons of fun, endless energy, adventurous, kind, etc. They have 10 grandchildren from my brother (5), myself (3) and my sister (2 so far), and though they see my sister and brother's kids a lot more than mine since they live closer (and that is a bit of a sore spot for me), my kids really love my dad. He takes them to the park, hiking, on walks, fishing, canoeing, etc. Every time we get together he does special things with the kids, so he's an easy favorite. :) My mom has a bit of a struggle, she is loved, but the grandkids are a tad scared of her, she's a little emotional and overreacts easily, menopause has not helped in this respect, but they know she loves them all.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I agree with a pp that the relationship is dependent upon a variety of things ... proximity, the quality of the relationship between the ILs and the adult children, how the grandparents are with the grandchildren, etc.)  My mom adored her grandchildren and made every effort to be a part of their lives, even when she had a rocky relationship with her DILs.  With the exception of the family of one brother, who lived 2000 miles away, my parents saw them regularly.  Mom and Dad did a ton of babysitting for them.  They also had a pool in their backyard so my brothers would often bring the kids over and give their wives a break.  My FIL has a close relationship with his grandchildren, despite being farther away (his grandchildren are from his sons.)  Dh lives closer and we visit regularly.  Plus, FIL used to watch the kids so I could go to Bible study (for about 7 years.)  His other son lives farther away, but they make a point of visiting each other regularly. 

 

Looking back, I think my parents were probably the favorite grandparents to all my nieces and nephews, partially due to proximity, but mostly because they really enjoyed having children in their lives.  Most of my nieces and nephews didn't seem to have as close a relationship with their other grandparents, partly because the other grandparents homes were less welcoming to children - either due to infirmity or just general crotchetiness. 

 

Funny, as I write this, it seems in such opposition to my experience of my mom and dad as parents.  They seemed to enjoy grandparenting much more than parenting.  Growing up, I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, waiting to get yelled at or punished for every mistake.  My kids never had that impression of my parents. 

[Laura Corin]

Thanks, everyone.  There seems to be some hope there.

 

L

[J-rap]

I would think that if the parents have a good, solid relationship with their own son, then they will probably reach out and try and have a good relationship with their son's children. If they do not have a good relationship with their son or have unhealthy/mixed up priorities, then I would not expect them to try and initiate a close relationship with their grandchildren. (And maybe that would be in the grandchildren's best interest.) However, I do know of families in this situation who have substitute grandparents who are absolutely wonderful!

[Parrothead]

I have the only grandchild on both sides. Although my FIL has two younger granddaughters. They are in much closer proximity to him so they will have a better relationship, such as it will be with his illness.

 

As for my mom and dh's mom they are both close to dd. she will be the only grandchild for either of them.

[LostSurprise]

I agree that this issue depends more on personality, situation, and proximity. 

 

My in-laws are scrupulously fair and overwhelmingly loving, but we live 3 hours away, not 45m like my SIL. We just don't get to see them as much. Also, my MIL is a brain cancer survivor. She's always sought a close relationship with all her grandchildren, but her frailty, the fact that something is just a little bit off, has caused all of the children to keep just a little bit of distant from her, even the ones that live nearby. Its always saddened me that she didn't get the bond that she wants and needs from them. Now that they're getting older I can see their empathy and how they try to do the right thing, but its not the sweet, natural bond that a grandmother and young child can have. 

 

The boys love my mother. She doesn't need them as much. She knows how to give them the space they need, accept the love they give her, and make their time special. However, my sister and her girls live in the same town. We live hours away. Sometimes it will hurt that my dad has nicknames for them like "little sweetie" when he's a bit forced with the boys, but I realize they have had more time to have a relationship. 

[redsquirrel]

My MIL is not close to any of her grandchildren or her children. She was not close to her daughter. When my SIL, her daughter, was dying of cancer in Japan (across the world from 'home') it was my FIL who went to see her in her last days. My MIL stayed at home. I don't think she didn't care, I think she couldn't handle it emotionally, plus she certainly didn't do anything to have a close relationship with her daughter. I actually respect my MIL for not faking a relationship that wasn't there at the end. I think it would have been worse for my SIL and my MIL knew that.

 

I think there are lots of factors at play as to why these things happen the way they do. My mom wants to very, very close to all her grandchildren, but my brother lives far away. My mom doesn't get to see his daughter often, but does what she can to stay close. I live closer, but not close. She is driving 6 hours today to get my kids for the week. And then on Saturday I am driving to her house and we are all driving another 6 hours and going camping together.  Lol, my poor dh, always goes on vacation with his in-laws.

 

To give perspective, my husband's parents live less than 90 mins away. We saw them for 4th of july weekend and won't see them again until Christmas.  My mom will be here any number of times between now and Christmas.

 

I think there are lots of reasons why it can be different. It could be that you are a step daughter, it could be that she feels more comfortable with girls, it could be that her daughter seems more 'needy' and you come across as more competent. I know my mother does a LOT more, so much more, for my sister and her kids than she does with me (and that is saying something) because my sister asks. She and her husband work full time and often ask my mom to stay with them for a month while they are (unwillingly) between child care providers. I don't know what I would do in the same situation, but asking that of my mom would the the second to last thing on my list, right before leaving them home alone.

 

 

 

 

[Rebel]

My son is equally close with both sets of grandparents.  Now, that his father has remarried, he is also equally close with his stepmothers parents.  He probably will not be as close with my SO's parents as they live on the other side of the country.

[Hwin]

It would look that way in my family, but it really has to do with my mom making the big effort to be part of our lives and living in the next town over. The other grandparents are wonderful and loved, just not as close (relationship and geographically).

[Laura Corin]

 

I think there are lots of reasons why it can be different. It could be that you are a step daughter, it could be that she feels more comfortable with girls, it could be that her daughter seems more 'needy' and you come across as more competent. 

 

Maybe I wasn't clear in my original post.  I wasn't contrasting the relationship that my stepmother has with her granddaughter with the relationship that she has with my sons.  I am just really excited about how close she is to her granddaughter, and wondering whether I will ever have that closeness with the children of my sons.

 

Laura

[redsquirrel]

Maybe I wasn't clear in my original post.  I wasn't contrasting the relationship that my stepmother has with her granddaughter with the relationship that she has with my sons.  I am just really excited about how close she is to her granddaughter, and wondering whether I will ever have that closeness with the children of my sons.

 

Laura

 

Ooooh, I am sorry.

 

It's me, I am sure. I am online while simultaneously getting my boys ready to go away for a week and then go camping. 

:lol:

 

Actually, I am just sort of thick sometimes. That is a more truthful explaination.

 

I worry about the same thing, having boys myself. So, I get it. I am just going to try to be a superduper MIL or whatever I will be. I also try to be very... normalizing with my boys now. I say things like 'when I am the gran, can I come on trips with you like yours does now?' and stupid things like that. I know, it's pathetic, but it's the best I can do now.

 

I also try really hard to just maintain a close and loving relationship with my boys. So many people I know think that boys and their moms (or their dads) can't have that. I remember my MIL saying she wanted her other son to do something for her and I suggested she just ask. She replied that she was 'just his mom, not his wife so her time with him was done"  Umm... what!? I think that is what she wants, not her sons.

 

I think we often sort of give up on our sons emotionally at a certain point. They do grow up and move out etc, but work can be done to keep the paths of communication open. It does narrow quite a bit but I can see that it can open a bit when they get older. But if parents aren't there to take advantage the opportunity then it doesn't happen. I think we just accept it as inevitable.

 

My mom really backed off with my brother. I think part of it was him but part of it was her. She had three girls and then a boy. By the time he was the last one at home I think she was just tired and ready to move on from parenting. But, she was always saying thing like 'it's different because he's a boy and he needs....." when now I can see that she had NO IDEA what she was talking about. Really, it was ridiculous. I feel like I am just as close to my 13 year old son as any of my friends are with their daughters.

 

Edited to add for my own clairity: that I think that closeness then carries over when/if grandchildren show up. You  have to do the work before they come or it's going to be a lot harder. Or you can be like my MIL who upon being told that I was pg, the first thing she said was "don't ever ask me to babysit." So we never did, and never asked anything else either.

 

[Laura Corin]

Ooooh, I am sorry.

 

It's me, I am sure. I am online while simultaneously getting my boys ready to go away for a week and then go camping. 

:lol:

 

 

Don't worry about it.  I often get the wrong end of the stick when there are other things going on.

 

I'm sure you are right about keeping the relationship going.  Calvin has emerged from the other side of teenage grumpiness as a quite lovely young man (although I sez it as shouldn't) and I feel that our friendship continues to grow.  Hobbes is just starting to crawl into that same swamp and I'm having to take a deep breath and prepare myself to snorkel along with him through the mud for a year or two until we can emerge on the other side holding hands.  

 

L

[bobbeym]

DH and our boys have no relationship with my MIL b/c she's made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to have a relationship with us.  We're okay with that b/c she is not a healthy person for us to be around, nor is my SIL.  My only regret from that is the lack of relationship with DH's nephews but he's kept in touch with their dad so there might be hope once the nephews are grown and away from MIL's influence.

 

My parents, on the other hand, are extremely close to my boys and my brother's 6yo son, and we love that.

 

I think a mom can easily have a close relationship with her son's children if she chooses to do so.  My kids know that I'm going to be a very hands-on Nana and plan to spend as much time as possible with my g-babies.  I've jokingly told them they aren't allowed to move more than 30 minutes away so I can see them whenever I want.

[vonfirmath]

My MIL goes to great efforts to remain close with us.

 

My husband's relationship with his dad is strained. My MIL's relationship with her own MIL was NOT Good. So she goes over and above to make sure she keeps relationship open with us.  I'd be much less interested in spending time at their house if it was going to be FIL alone. I'm very uncomfortable around him and he doesn't seem to make an effort to make things more comfortable.

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am just really excited about how close she is to her granddaughter, and wondering whether I will ever have that closeness with the children of my sons.

 

Laura

 

I hear you on that concern.  While I have a decent relationship with my boys, they don't crave the emotional connection that my daughter and I both crave and share.  Since my oldest has gone away to school, he has come back more talkative and more willing to connect with me.  My 17yo son is somewhat aloof and that pains me.  I am fairly sure that my kids will not likely settle close to us (two seem to be headed to academia so that means go where the job is.)  I know that I will have to work hard to have the relationship with my boys and their eventual families. 

 

[Tita Gidge]

 I am just really excited about how close she is to her granddaughter, and wondering whether I will ever have that closeness with the children of my sons.

 

 

I have only one daughter, and the rest are sons.  My daughter is still young, but for the past four years has been set on becoming a religious sister. If she ends up following through with that, all of my grandkids will come from my sons. 

 

I admit to wondering the same as you!

[Farrar]

In our family, my in-laws are definitely closer to sil and her kids.  They moved to be near them.  They take care of our nephews all the time.  But I think it's beyond just gender.  Sil went through a messy divorce, is on a much more limited income, and just needs her parents more than we need them.  They responded to that need and we respect that.  And they don't have a distant relationship with my kids.  They love them very much and come visit and welcome them when we're able to come see them.  Proximity is just so important.

 

My own kids were very, very close to my step-father before he passed away and are now closer to his kids (their "aunt" and "uncle") than to my biological brother.  So I think it's also beyond biology.  Circumstance is just so important in relationships.

[Mom0012]

I think it is possible, Laura.  It doesn't always happen, but it is possible.  My mom and dad have built a great relationship with my SIL and has a very close relationship with my niece. They are warm and loving people who dote on their grandchild and are considerate and helpful to my SIL.

 

I would have welcomed a relationship like that with my own ILs, but they were just not interested.  It is difficult to understand, but they are only interested in my sdd and their dd's children.  My children are sweet and kind and they were both the cutest little things when they were little, so I've never understood it, but my ILs have never really been as interested in my dh as they were his sister, either. 

 

I also want to add that my brother kind of dropped out of my parents' lives for a number of years, for no particular reason but that he was busy with his own life and he was just kind of thoughtless and selfish.  As soon as he had his baby girl though, he was back.  He wanted them to love her like he did and he knew they would.  Very similar story with my sister.

[Meriwether]

I have a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandmother.  My mom did say it was different when were babies.  Grammy (her mom) felt free to whatever with us kids.  Grandma always asked (when we were babies) first.  I wish my kids had a good relationship with my in-laws.  If they were warm at all, I'd bend over backwards to make it work.  I even took Dd10 over by myself when she was a baby so that they could see her more often.  They just aren't kid people, and I've given up on maintaining more than a cordial relationship.  I can think of instances in my extended family where the DIL limits the relationship in some way, but most of the time the kids and grandparents are very close.

 

ETA: My SIL's kids adore their paternal grandparents and have virtually no relationship with their maternal grandparents (the grandparents they share with my kids).

[Incognito]

My in-laws and my kids are very close.  I think them being younger helps.  They are able to handle the busy activity of children more than older grandparents (although it is getting harder for them now than it was 7 years ago when the first grandchild arrived).  My husband is really close with his parents, though, so I think that also fosters the relationship.  And he's cheap and will rarely pay for a sitter so we always have to call them first. :)  Also, although it was hard for me, I made an intentional effort to let my in-laws enjoy their grandchildren without me around a lot (especially with the first).  It really built a relationship between my daughter and them that could not have been there if I hadn't gotten out of the way.  I haven't done the same with the next two kids, but the foundation is there, I think, and my son is very close with them.  He has said he wants to go live with them at times when he is mad at me. ;P 

 

As far as distance goes, my kids adore my parents too, and they live far away and we visit probably 5-6x year (usually a few days a time).  My parents don't know the kids as well, but when we are together my parents engage with them a fair bit and are very kind and generous, and the kids connect with them then.  I don't know if my kids would be able to rank how close they are to either set of grandparents - they feel close to both sides, even if the relationship is very different.