I broke my own rule & became one of those moms...vent

[jewellsmommy]

I was going to share this, then not, then typed, then deleted but here it is. It is long.

 

Let me start by saying that as a general philosophy, I have always believed that adults should speak to other adults if there is a problem with a child you don’t know. I don’t even correct kids whose parents I have known for years unless they are about to do something dangerous or I'm the one babysitting of course.

 

Dh and I took the dc to an aquatic center yesterday afternoon. Some friends met us there so there were 2 boys, 2 girls, and the adults. This was not just a pool. There was a slide, a water spouting mushroom, and it is laid out strangely. Picture a tiny waterpark type thing.

 

Anyway, all 4 children go to the tall twisty slide. They are up on the platform and hard to see. Dd comes down later than the other 3 dc. She comes to me and says that a girl had gotten out of line a few spots ahead of her and then when it was dd’s turn, this girl bumps dd out of the way and sits at the slide’s launch point. Dd, never the shrinking violet, says “hey, that was mean†and this girl looks at dd and says “B---h.†Dd is indignant and relays this message to me quite loudly, much to my dismay and the delight of my friend. :blush: After my slight shock of dd's just absolute perfectly clear loud, enunciation I tell her to avoid this girl and just go on about her business with her friend (and next time to share these things with me a little less loudly!).

 

About 15 min later my friend and I are sort of in the middle of the water area and watching the boys come down the slide when I see dd with her righteous indignation look. She was about 12 ft away and as she approaches she says that she felt a kick to her backside/thigh and when she turned to look, it was that same girl and she told dd to move. Dd says that herself and friend were not blocking the way. I see the girl and she is staring at us, so I look back with that “yeah, I’m watching you.†silent look. :ph34r: I told dd to actively avoid this girl and I started scanning to see if I could figure out who she was with just in case I had to say something. Dd and friend went to an isolated half –circle alcove like area and was playing. The problematic girl was under the mushroom. My friend and I spoke to the boys for a couple minutes.

 

When I turned back to the girls, dd and her friend were in the same spot they had been in and that girl was right in front of them shoving the water into their faces (not just splashing). They could not have gotten around her without making physical contact. I started sloshing my way through the water and the girl looked at me but continued. I loudly and sternly proclaimed “No. Leave my daughter alone.†She moved backward and started to say something, but I turned my back to her and faced dd and told dd and friend to get out of the pool. I turn back around and girl has gone off pouty-like to a big sister. I stood there cause I knew it was coming. I had broken my own rule. I walked closer to the edge where dad was approaching the girl.

 

He started in on me and I calmly said “Sir. I did not know who she was with but I needed her to stop. I said No and leave my daughter alone. That is it.â€

 

He starts again.

I say “Sir, she called my daughter a b---h, kicked her and then pursued her over here to harass her.â€

 

The girl starts saying that she didn’t do those things. I said “A couple other kids saw this too.â€

 

He just turned around and started walking away. We left about 10 minutes later.

 

This whole thing really upset me. I didn’t scream or call her names or anything, but I hate that I broke my own rule KWIM? I was definitely in a reaction mode. I am pretty much venting. But, would love to know I am not the only one who has or would react this way...or not. That's ok too. I know I could have asked her to point out her parental figure. SIGH, I hate this type of stuff.

[Halftime Hope]

Protecting your child is never, ever the wrong thing to do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No life guard? At our pool I would report all of those things and the person would be asked to leave.

[sassenach]

Kids like that usually have parents like that, which means one rarely gets anywhere close to civil interaction. You did the right thing.

[Dandelion]

Under the circumstances, I don't think you did anything wrong. Don't spend another second worrying about it. :grouphug:

[Twinmom]

You did just fine. You protected your child and you were polite. Nothing else you can do...you did all the right things.

[AlaskaGrownFamily]

I don't see a thing wrong with how you handled the situation, and I would have (and have!) done similar.

 

 

[jewellsmommy]

No life guard? At our pool I would report all of those things and the person would be asked to leave.

 

 

This is one reason we won't be returning. Except for the top of the slide part, the rest of this happened in front of a lifeguard. He heard me address the girl. He never intervened. I watched this girl break several rules: spitting/spouting of the water, rough physical play, etc. Nothing. There were 3 lifeguards on duty and they all looked like the walking dead. No interest, no movement, nothing. :blink:

 

That is also why my friend and I tried to stay in the middle of the pool and my dh took a vantage spot from outside of the water. We are quite helicopter-y, I'll admit. Ds has way too many issues for us to be anything less. Of course, he wasn't the one with any issues this time :lol:.

[Word Nerd]

You did nothing wrong. I would have also reported her behavior to a lifeguard or manager.

[TammyS]

You did the right thing. The only thing that I would say in the future is: IMO, adults owe each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to children's behavior (meaning that without some reason to disbelieve the adult, you believe the adult over the child) - so when a parent approaches me in the posture of "my child can do no wrong", I would just refuse to speak to him, just walk away. He's already decided what happened and that he's gonna give you a piece of his mind. I would just give him my backside.

[Pink Fairy]

You handled it perfectly. Nothing to regret or wish you'd done differently at all. ((hugs))

[Guest inoubliable]

Your daughter was being bullied. You stepped in and said something. It was the right thing to do.

[renmew]

You did nothing wrong. I have no problems speaking kindly to a child who needs it, though. Two days ago at an outdoor mall, my kids were having a grand time at the sandy play area. A little boy, maybe 2 1/2, started hurling sand around, hitting a girl in the face. I firmly said," No dear. We don't throw sand. It's not nice. " and he stopped. Someone had to teach him.

[jewellsmommy]

Thank you. I keep replaying it in my mind. I posted this expecting at least a couple of reprimands :blush:. I remember someone posting once about how they would loudly ask "who does this child belong to?" under such circumstances. That makes me laugh...like a lost shoe.... :lol:. I love that.

 

Dh and I agreed that this place was more hassle than it was worth and mostly because of the attitudes (or lack of?) of the lifeguards.

[QuirkyKapers]

Sounds like you handled it well. Since it sounds like the lifeguards weren't intervening, I would be tempted to tell the mangement what happened and that you are contemplating not returning. Kids should follow the pool rules. Lifeguards are there to enforce them. (At least that was part of my job when I lifeguarded.)

[In the Rain]

I think you handled it well.

[Carol in Cal.]

You know, it's one thing to avoid correcting other people's kids in a playground where you can easily avoid them, but in a pool where you pay to visit and where the downside risk is, quite literally, drowning, it's defensible and in fact necessary to wade into the fray at times like this.

[Guest submarines]

I think the rule applies when the parent is right there, available to correct the child's behavior.

I'm sorry you had to experience this, but I'm perplexed by your worry of "breaking the rule." Rules like that are situation specific and are not to be applied blindly. You did what you had to do, what the worry??? :confused1:

[BrookValley.]

I don't think you broke your own rule. You told someone to stop doing something hurtful to your child; you weren't trying to correct their (attrocious) behavior, just protecting your own kiddo.

 

I don't correct other kids either, unless, like you, I'm the one in charge. But this isn't a correction.

[TN Mama]

But, would love to know I am not the only one who has or would react this way...or not. That's ok too. I know I could have asked her to point out her parental figure. SIGH, I hate this type of stuff.

 

You are not alone. I also do not get involved unless needed, but imo, you did the right thing stepping in. In this situation, it was needed. You were not out of line speaking to the child, and imo, you were not out of line in how you handled the dad. If my child were the one calling names & harassing another child, I would definitely want to know.

[Danestress]

I would never make a rule that I can't defend my child from a physically belligerent stranger. It's one thing to choose not to correct other people's children when they are misbehaving. It's another thing when they are being physically aggressive with your own child.

 

I don't care if the parent is standing right there or not. I don't care if a child is special needs or not. You physically hurt my child, I am going to step in. Period. Nothing that father had to say would have made a bit of difference to be besides, "I am so so sorry." If parents don't like to see their children corrected by strangers, they need to step in before it becomes necessary.

 

The only additional rule you need is that you will not let these things under your skin. There was a problem, it wasn't a huge problem in the grand scheme of things, you took care of it, it's over and done. No need to even give it more thought.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think you broke your own rule. You told someone to stop doing something hurtful to your child; you weren't trying to correct their (attrocious) behavior, just protecting your own kiddo.

 

I don't correct other kids either, unless, like you, I'm the one in charge. But this isn't a correction.

 

This. I don't see this scenario as a case of correcting another child but rather of protecting your own. That trumps any personal rules you have for interacting with other people's children.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I say "Bravo!" You were protecting your child. You handled it extremely well. Way to go!

[PrairieSong]

I would have done pretty much the same thing. Bullies need to be stopped.

[Ellie]

I was going to share this, then not, then typed, then deleted but here it is. It is long.

 

Let me start by saying that as a general philosophy, I have always believed that adults should speak to other adults if there is a problem with a child you don’t know. I don’t even correct kids whose parents I have known for years unless they are about to do something dangerous or I'm the one babysitting of course.

 

Dh and I took the dc to an aquatic center yesterday afternoon. Some friends met us there so there were 2 boys, 2 girls, and the adults. This was not just a pool. There was a slide, a water spouting mushroom, and it is laid out strangely. Picture a tiny waterpark type thing.

 

Anyway, all 4 children go to the tall twisty slide. They are up on the platform and hard to see. Dd comes down later than the other 3 dc. She comes to me and says that a girl had gotten out of line a few spots ahead of her and then when it was dd’s turn, this girl bumps dd out of the way and sits at the slide’s launch point. Dd, never the shrinking violet, says “hey, that was mean†and this girl looks at dd and says “B---h.†Dd is indignant and relays this message to me quite loudly, much to my dismay and the delight of my friend. :blush: After my slight shock of dd's just absolute perfectly clear loud, enunciation I tell her to avoid this girl and just go on about her business with her friend (and next time to share these things with me a little less loudly!).

 

About 15 min later my friend and I are sort of in the middle of the water area and watching the boys come down the slide when I see dd with her righteous indignation look. She was about 12 ft away and as she approaches she says that she felt a kick to her backside/thigh and when she turned to look, it was that same girl and she told dd to move. Dd says that herself and friend were not blocking the way. I see the girl and she is staring at us, so I look back with that “yeah, I’m watching you.†silent look. :ph34r: I told dd to actively avoid this girl and I started scanning to see if I could figure out who she was with just in case I had to say something. Dd and friend went to an isolated half –circle alcove like area and was playing. The problematic girl was under the mushroom. My friend and I spoke to the boys for a couple minutes.

 

When I turned back to the girls, dd and her friend were in the same spot they had been in and that girl was right in front of them shoving the water into their faces (not just splashing). They could not have gotten around her without making physical contact. I started sloshing my way through the water and the girl looked at me but continued. I loudly and sternly proclaimed “No. Leave my daughter alone.†She moved backward and started to say something, but I turned my back to her and faced dd and told dd and friend to get out of the pool. I turn back around and girl has gone off pouty-like to a big sister. I stood there cause I knew it was coming. I had broken my own rule. I walked closer to the edge where dad was approaching the girl.

 

He started in on me and I calmly said “Sir. I did not know who she was with but I needed her to stop. I said No and leave my daughter alone. That is it.â€

 

He starts again.

I say “Sir, she called my daughter a b---h, kicked her and then pursued her over here to harass her.â€

 

The girl starts saying that she didn’t do those things. I said “A couple other kids saw this too.â€

 

He just turned around and started walking away. We left about 10 minutes later.

 

This whole thing really upset me. I didn’t scream or call her names or anything, but I hate that I broke my own rule KWIM? I was definitely in a reaction mode. I am pretty much venting. But, would love to know I am not the only one who has or would react this way...or not. That's ok too. I know I could have asked her to point out her parental figure. SIGH, I hate this type of stuff.

 

Well done!!

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

:cheers2:

 

You did exactly the right thing.

 

Adults should be more involved in altercations between children, IMHO. You behaved with great restraint, waited to see if the children could work it out, stepped in when it became clear that the offender was going to continue to behave badly, didn't attack anyone's character when you explained to the father what had happened.

 

Well done.

[*Lulu*]

I do not think anything you did was wrong. In fact the only thing more you could have done to avoid a confrontation with the child would have been to seek out a lifeguard and make it clear to them you, the paying customer, expected them to do something.

 

As far as the dad goes, your choice to speak to him seems just as valid as the choice to ignore him barring some sort of "random axe murderer" or "I key cars in the parking lot" vibe coming off of him.

[Dad 4 Boys]

The only thing you did wrong was not getting some of the pool management/supervision involved to let them know that the lifeguards weren't doing their jobs.

[jewellsmommy]

You did the right thing. The only thing that I would say in the future is: IMO, adults owe each other the benefit of the doubt when it comes to children's behavior (meaning that without some reason to disbelieve the adult, you believe the adult over the child) - so when a parent approaches me in the posture of "my child can do no wrong", I would just refuse to speak to him, just walk away. He's already decided what happened and that he's gonna give you a piece of his mind. I would just give him my backside.

 

 

 

Oh yeah. I don't understood why a parent would deny the opportunity to correct their children by refusing to acknowledge improper behavior. We can all be biased to our dc, i get that, but we also know their weaknesses. I know my dd is no angel. And I know what her vice is. Attitude!

 

If she is in an argument with ds or other child, I point out at least 1 thing that the "victim" (so to speak) did to contribute to the problem as well. Here, I just couldn't find one. She actually did what I told her and tried to avoid this girl. :001_huh: I am not used to that sort of obedience :lol: Just kidding, but I hope you know what I mean.

 

 

I wondered whether the father just decided it was not worth it to engage me further or if something rang true to him in my statements, and he realized that his dd had not had the best behavior. Not sure.

[jewellsmommy]

I would never make a rule that I can't defend my child from a physically belligerent stranger. It's one thing to choose not to correct other people's children when they are misbehaving. It's another thing when they are being physically aggressive with your own child.

 

I don't care if the parent is standing right there or not. I don't care if a child is special needs or not. You physically hurt my child, I am going to step in. Period. Nothing that father had to say would have made a bit of difference to be besides, "I am so so sorry." If parents don't like to see their children corrected by strangers, they need to step in before it becomes necessary.

 

The only additional rule you need is that you will not let these things under your skin. There was a problem, it wasn't a huge problem in the grand scheme of things, you took care of it, it's over and done. No need to even give it more thought.

 

 

Gotcha. I really am surprised that no one has fussed at me, so maybe I was pretty reasonable :p . I hereby exonerate myself and will no longer be bothered.

[Eagle]

You did the right thing!

[I.Dup.]

You didn't do anything wrong. I have no problem correcting kids if they are bullying others and there are no adults around that seem to claim them.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm glad you confronted her. Maybe next time she'll take notice of the 'I'm watching you' look and check herself

[J-rap]

Don't worry about it anymore. You did the right thing. As someone else said, kids who are like that usually have parents who are like that, so talking with her parents probably wouldn't have helped. And doing stupid things in the water CAN be dangerous. It was right to step in.

[Lara in Colo]

I honestly think that, as a society, we have become too polite and allow people to run over us. I welcome a return to the days when all adults helped raise the children. As a society, it is our job to create the society and one way is to come together and support good behavior and show a resounding non support of bad behavior.

 

 

You may throw tomatoes now, I have my hazmat suit on.

[Paige]

Children are people. I don't understand why adults are not allowed to speak to children in a situation where the adult would speak to another adult. It essentially puts children into a position where they can bully whoever they want without fear if their own parents are not able or willing to step in. I don't have your rule. I don't correct other children who are not a danger to themselves or others (I wouldn't tell her not to curse, for example), but I wouldn't hesitate to speak calmly and politely to a child who is bothering my children. I agree you could have spoken with the lifeguard. Just because he's sitting there not doing his job doesn't mean he wouldn't if someone pointed it out. I also don't really follow what was said with the father. I think I would have given him the chance to speak if he wasn't being aggressive. I may be misunderstanding what happened, but I didn't think you gave him a chance. Perhaps he would have had her apologize or something.

[UrbanSue]

If that had been my kids misbehaving that way and I didn't notice, I would absolutely want other parents to respond to her in a calm, appropriate way, as you did. Don't worry about it.

[Jeannie in NJ]

of course, you did the right thing.

Let me tell you something that I had to do once.

 

My dd was 11, she went to a youth group that believed in bringing in street kids, no matter how bad they were. They also let these kids, some of whom were really trouble, do whatever they wanted.. I worked in the nursery, which was on the first floor but one time I just happened to be walking by the youth group room on the second floor when I heard my daughter screaming for me. I looked in the room and one of the street kids was beating up my little petite dd. No one, not even the youth leader was doing anything. I ran in, grabbed the bully of my dd and said to bully, "If you ever touch my daughter again, I will bounce you down those stairs."

 

I know some will say that I should not have touched the bully but I had to, I was not going to let her beat up my dd.

 

We left that church and found a youth group that did not let troublemakers stay, they watched out for all the kids. There was never any trouble there.

 

If we, as parents do not protect our kids, who will?

[laundrycrisis]

I have never had such a rule. I have never hesitated to respectfully but VERY firmly set boundaries of protection for my own kids. My kids, my boundaries, and I don't care who crosses them - they will encounter me, saying, "That's not okay and you will NOT do it again." If another parent has an issue with me enforcing this with their chid, they are welcome to tell their child to stay away from mine. So clearly, I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

[Mommy22alyns]

Uh-uh, no. You did the right thing. I basically never correct other kids either, but one time we were in Gymboree and the girls were sitting in those chairs in front of the TV. Some nasty little kids came in and literally shoved the girls out of the seats and onto the floor (this was quite a few years ago). I couldn't stop myself and said something quite firmly to the kids, and their mom got them out of the store quickly. I would have done the same as you.

[T'smom]

I don't usually correct other people's kids either, but I think you did the right thing in this situation. Not just that you didn't do anything wrong, but you actually did something right. There was an incident one time of a kid spitting at my 2 yo at a play place one time. I didn't say anything the first time, but the second time I spoke to him VERY firmly "Do NOT spit at my daughter." Then I followed dd around making sure it did not happen again. I was not sure who his parent was.

[lea1]

You did just fine. You protected your child and you were polite. Nothing else you can do...you did all the right things.

 

I agree. I would have done the exact same thing.

[swellmomma]

Good for you! sometimes you have to be that parent. There was a girl here in town that punched my dd up on the playground 2 summers ago. dd was 11 girl was 15, dd right now at 13 weighs 70lbs, I think back then she was like 55lbs. I yelled at the girl, quite loudly and far less politely than you did. She ran home and came back with her daddy who had the nerve to yell at me and carry on that I hurt his daughter's feelings. I told him the next time she hurt my dd he was going to have to bring the cops because I was going to hurt a lot more than her feelings. He and girl left, she has not touched dd since. She still thinks she is tough stuff and cusses at us etc, but she will not lay a finger on her.

 

As far as being that mom. I am that mom all the time, normally little head shake is enough for even stranger children to stop something, kids typically are looking for approval and I make a point of making eye contact with every child in a situation as I can. At the same time I will tell a child to stop something, to be careful, or to knock it off depending on how old they appear to be, and what they are doing. I try to let parents deal with their own kids, but for example a child throwing sand in the park near my child I tell them to stop, it isn't safe before I even think whether or not to open my mouth. If the child is school aged, and someplace alone or the parents are doing nothing I will flat out tell them to stop what they are doing. At the same time if I see a school aged kid alone or with parents not paying attention do something great, like helping someone, or picking up trash without being asked etc I make a point of praising them or giving a thumbs up. Some kids are just jerks and even knowing someone is watching doesn't curb their behaviour and in those cases you are in a hard place because my experience is the majority of parents you address make so many freaking excuses for their kids and let them off the hook chosing instead to yell at you. The kids that smarten up without needing you to find their parents are the ones with the parents that will deal with it if they knew kwim

[NoseInABook]

I would have done the same thing. She didn't respond to your daughter telling her to leave her alone, the parent clearly wasn't watching, and neither was the lifeguard. You do what you need to do to protect your children, period.