If your travel time to see your ILs is 4-5 hours 1-way, how often do you go?

[~*Beatrix*~]

Title pretty much says it all. Wondering what the norm is for a homeschool family.

[Starr]

We travel a 4 hour trip about once a month (not to relatives). It doesn't sound like much but it is tiring. If you stay over so you don't have to drive in the dark when you are tired it's 2 days out of your life. We are also always trying to get in shopping we can't do at home or see another person. Then you need another day to get caught up with yourself. Are your IL's able to visit you some of the time? I have taken books on short trips so often but really not much gets done. The kids get sick in the car so we listen to audio books but I never got a good routine for schooling other places.

[Parrothead]

Not more than once or twice a year. I have a friend about that far away who I'd love to see more but just can't swing the time.

[lmrich]

Three or four regular visits. Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring, summer. Sometimes there are weddings or funerals as well. It closer to 5 hours plus and there is always construction traffic.

[mumto2]

We no longer live where this is possible but when the kids were little we tried to go monthly. Actually did it every six weeks probably. Dh took the day off and we did it all in one day. We found it easier then taking everything for spending the night. It was to visit my mom--she is easy to be with which definately motivated Dh.;)

[gingersmom]

If I liked them I would make an effort to go all the time.

 

I'm not sure what homeschooling has to do with it though.

 

I would leave Friday after school and come home Sunday night.

 

My mother lives less than an hour away and we see her about 3 times/year (less if I can help it). :001_smile:

[Amira]

When we've had that travel time, we'd visit twice a year. But all our parents live in the same area. If they hadn't, we probably would have done one trip per year to each family.

[Tess in the Burbs]

never. Unless there is a funeral or serious medical issue that we need to show up. It's dh's choice and I am ok with it. They are toxic people and we keep our distance. When it wasn't like that we only went once a year. They have shown up our way about once a year.

 

My own family is farther and we are going less and less now that the kids are so involved in things. We would like to see my family more but our schedule revolves around our kids. Right now my dad comes once a year(twice last year) and my mom usually twice a year. I am willing to pay for them to come my way but they won't take me up on it.

 

I remember as a kid spending every holiday on the road visiting family that never came our way. We have chosen to spend our holidays at home. They can come to us. We may travel in the future as they get older but for now we stay home on holidays. We like being alone :tongue_smilie:

 

Also, we never see any siblings. Again, his family we just avoid. They haven't called us but once since we have been married. I finally stopped sending cards and gifts b/c I never knew if they got it or liked it. Since they can't send a note or call in 15 years we now buy friends gifts over family. Family is the people in your life. My own sister is unstable and we try to avoid her if possible only b/c you never know what you will get :001_huh:

 

Both of us grew up with family on every holiday and are happy not to do that to our own kids. :lol:

[Sarah CB]

Title pretty much says it all. Wondering what the norm is for a homeschool family.

 

All of our family are about 6 hours away and we visit once or twice a year. This year it was more times because my sister had a baby and dh had some work out in that direction.

 

We actually try to have everyone come here. They usually come for a week in the summer and a week at Christmas time.

[In The Great White North]

Not more than once or twice a year. I have a friend about that far away who I'd love to see more but just can't swing the time.

 

And staying over makes so much work for MIL, it tales her a week to prepare and another week to recover.

[OK Family]

All my husbands family is 6 hrs away. We normally go 2 to three times a year.

[Joker]

We would go often. My mom is a 14 hour drive one way and we go at least once a year (sometimes twice). Dh's family is a 3 day road trip and we've yet to go. When we lived within a two day's drive from them we went one to two times a year.

[aggie96]

We have traveled 4.5 hrs one way to see my family every 3-6 weeks for the the past 7 years. :) My in laws live 10 minutes from us and we see them once every 8-10 weeks much to my husband's dismay. I never took school with us. We would leave Friday afternoon or evening and come home sometime on Sunday depending on traffic, etc.

[SonshineLearner]

FINALLY I'm a "big enough girl" that I worked up to driving for 5 hrs :) My parents are a mile away and we visit with them often. If my MIL was within 6 hrs or less, and wanted a relationship, I'd be willing to drive there as much as once every 4-6 weeks. I'd probably leave as early as I could Thursday or Friday and come back on Sunday or Monday. All of it would depend on which kids came, as some are in school. But, my son is only 9yrs old and all of his stuff can be switched around. I'd actually fly over once a year, to MI, but my son exhausts her and it's not relaxing....

[momofkhm]

We used to go once a month, one month to parents, next month to IL. They live 20 minutes apart from each other but 4 1/2 hours from us. Now with the kids in middle and high, we have more to keep us home and we tend to go much less often. my mom recently complained that we hadn't been to her house in over a year. It's not the we hadn't seen her, she'd been to my house lots, but we hadn't stayed at her house. It happened to be a year where MIL health was poor so each time we went up, we stayed with the IL so we could help out.

[Angel]

My parents are 4 hours. The whole family makes the trip once a year at Thanksgiving. Me and the girls maybe about twice a year. The girls visit my parents for a week at a time at Spring Break, once or twice in the summer, and Thanksgiving. My parents come here for Christmas and usually one or two other times.

 

When it is just the girls visiting then I meet my mom half way. We will both drive 2 hours then switch the kids and luggage and drive home ;)

 

We want to do this more but are having trouble fitting it in with the schedules.

[~*Beatrix*~]

Thanks for the replies. My ILs are dysfunctional and disrespectful. No fun to be around and seeing them is all about them, never about us. I wanted to see how much the issues there were coloring my desire not to go more often, vs. just the practical realities of it being a huge pain, between packing up, Dh coming home early, traveling past bedtime with a cranky, not-a-good-traveler toddler, having to split up into different houses to sleep, gas money, etc.

 

We spent the first 8+ years of our marriage making the drive every 6-8 weeks, but as the kids have gotten older and our lives have gotten busier, it's more intense to try to take an entire weekend, plus prep time and recovery time, to travel so often. We are down to 3-4x/year with an open invitation for the ILs (mid 50s and healthy) to come see US since it is way easier for them to travel than for us.

 

However, they don't want to see us here, they want us to always come there and have no problems heaping on the guilt when our frequency in visiting slows down. They are constantly after us to come down more often. They do not hear or understand boundaries or the realities of life with busy kids both big and little and a dh working 70+ hours per week.

[sassenach]

Our drive is 7 hours and we go down 2-3 times a year.

[kwickimom]

As often as possible :)

 

Thats equals out to 4-6 times per year. Some years its more, some only once or twice. Its not about the time or travel for us, but the money.

[Starr]

I would go there as you are able and leave the invite open. Put up your super- power shield against the guilt. In their 50s and not willing to drive to you is crazy unless there are health issues.

 

 

 

Thanks for the replies. My ILs are dysfunctional and disrespectful. No fun to be around and seeing them is all about them, never about us. I wanted to see how much the issues there were coloring my desire not to go more often, vs. just the practical realities of it being a huge pain, between packing up, Dh coming home early, traveling past bedtime with a cranky, not-a-good-traveler toddler, having to split up into different houses to sleep, gas money, etc.

 

We spent the first 8+ years of our marriage making the drive every 6-8 weeks, but as the kids have gotten older and our lives have gotten busier, it's more intense to try to take an entire weekend, plus prep time and recovery time, to travel so often. We are down to 3-4x/year with an open invitation for the ILs (mid 50s and healthy) to come see US since it is way easier for them to travel than for us.

 

However, they don't want to see us here, they want us to always come there and have no problems heaping on the guilt when our frequency in visiting slows down. They are constantly after us to come down more often. They do not hear or understand boundaries or the realities of life with busy kids both big and little and a dh working 70+ hours per week.

[blessed3x]

Not more than once or twice a year. I have a friend about that far away who I'd love to see more but just can't swing the time.

 

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for the replies. My ILs are dysfunctional and disrespectful. No fun to be around and seeing them is all about them, never about us. I wanted to see how much the issues there were coloring my desire not to go more often, vs. just the practical realities of it being a huge pain, between packing up, Dh coming home early, traveling past bedtime with a cranky, not-a-good-traveler toddler, having to split up into different houses to sleep, gas money, etc.

 

We spent the first 8+ years of our marriage making the drive every 6-8 weeks, but as the kids have gotten older and our lives have gotten busier, it's more intense to try to take an entire weekend, plus prep time and recovery time, to travel so often. We are down to 3-4x/year with an open invitation for the ILs (mid 50s and healthy) to come see US since it is way easier for them to travel than for us.

 

However, they don't want to see us here, they want us to always come there and have no problems heaping on the guilt when our frequency in visiting slows down. They are constantly after us to come down more often. They do not hear or understand boundaries or the realities of life with busy kids both big and little and a dh working 70+ hours per week.

 

It IS a pain to travel like that. It's easier when you know the people you are visiting are a joy to be around, and much harder when those people are unhappy, selfish, and dysfunctional.

 

If they are healthy, there is no reason why they cannot come to you sometimes, and no reason why the onus has to be on you to disrupt a busy schedule to see them.

 

I have relatives like this. One set has been pushing me to visit for years, but I absolutely never will. (They are not parents--they are extended relatives.) These are people who take over and dictate every moment of the visit, and while they're at it, dictate what your life should be like as well. They are not interested in hearing the real details of our lives--they just want to be able to tell others what they should be doing. It is NOT worth the expense or hassle to travel to them, period.

 

I have someone else who is dear in my life who always pushes me to visit. I have offered more than once to pay for her to come up here. No matter how many times I tell her how hard it is to take time away from the kids' schedules, or the fact that visiting her is expensive whether I drive or fly, she doesn't get it. She cannot bear to rip herself away from the comforts of her retirement paradise, and thinks it shouldn't be a big deal for me to go to her. Because I love her, because she is dear, and because she makes every effort to show me love, I make the compromise. I am the one who visits, every time. I bear that expense and the sacrifice, just to please her. It's not as often as she would like, though--it's simply not possible financially or in terms of the time it would take.

 

It's okay to determine boundaries and set them. If your in-laws are healthy, they don't need you to check up on them, and they are perfectly capable of coming to you sometimes. It's okay to say so. It's acceptable to determine what is realistic for you, and to live accordingly.

[Unicorn.]

We haven't lived that far away (unfortunately..:D ) since ds was a baby, but at least 5 or 6 times a year.

[A.Balaban]

My family is six hours away. I try to visit twice a year. I am in school during the school year so travel during that time is not an option. We usually make one trip up for a week between Dec and Jan, and then a week or so again in the summer. DH usually stays home during the summer trip so he can keep working. DH family is only three hours away, but DH chooses not to see them often. We are going to go down for Thanksgiving I think this year for a couple days.

[bettyandbob]

4-5 hours. If I didn't really want to spend time with them or there were issues with staying over night, I'd make it a day trip. I'd get up at 5am make sure the car was packed, hustle everyone into the car by 6. You get there before lunch. You visit 4-5 hours and then you go home.

 

Yes, you are tired the next day, but you don't loose 2 whole days, you can still get simple chores done at home when you are tired. Not family, but I made this round trip in a day for several years when a preferred medical specialist was located 4 hours away. He was located in a town where a college friend of mine lived, so I'd stop at her house and the kids would play together and get lunch (I brought ) then, I'd be refreshed enough to get back on the road (with a stop for caffiene on the way).

[~*Beatrix*~]

Strider, thank you! You described my ILs when you said the part about not really caring about your life but yet wanting to tell you how to run it and all the things they disagree on or that you are doing wrong.

 

They are very capable of visiting, and they DO come up to visit, but say they find it exhausting and difficult to come up here as frequently as they want to be able to see us, therefore they want us to come down to them (????!?!?!?!?!). I know, it doesn't make sense in my head either, but every time they beg us to come, we remind them they are welcome here, but they are not excited about traveling so often. Cue Twilight Zone music.

[Mama_Rana]

Well, for us it's my mother who's about 4.5 hours away, and we go to see her a couple times a year. She also comes this way to see us a couple times as well. My sister and her family live about 5-5.5 hours away, and we got that way maybe twice a year and vice versa. My mother heads to my sisters--about 8 hours for her--once or twice depending one where we do our holiday celebrating.

[Spryte]

My mother is about 5 hrs away, and she comes to visit us every 6 weeks or so. She travels often (exhibiting artist), and swings by our house as often as possible. Obviously, she's healthy, sharp as a tack, and adventurous. :) (She's in her 70s, by the way, since age has been part of the discussions.)

 

We don't go see her often at all. She has cats, and we have severe allergies - severe enough that DS cannot step foot in her house. Last time he spent the night there he was hospitalized due to asthma. So visiting would mean a hotel, etc, and she just comes here. She likes to see the kids in their environment.

 

What about extending a specific invitation to your in laws? I've found that's the only way my in laws will visit. They don't do well with open invitations like my mother. We have to state that we'd like them to come from X to Y, and we will be serving dinner on X at such and such time.

[~*Beatrix*~]

Oh, we do extend specific ones. I really should have said that its open (as in, we tell them to suggest a visit whenever it is convenient and we will make time if at all possible) but we also issue specific ones for specific dates.

 

For instance, we have been hounded for a month by MIL to come down but haven't been able to. We told her that next weekend worked well for us (weeks ago-- plenty of notice-- and that we had half of Saturday and all day Sunday open if they wanted to come up on Saturday. Nope. We basically have just said, throw a date out and we will work with it, but we cannot come down right now.

 

They want us for Thanksgiving, but my entire family will be out of state at Christmas, so T-giving is the only holiday I can see them. We will likely go see the ILs the week before, if possible. Really, I would love to just go down there 1x/year and have them come up the rest of the time. It just seems silly to have us be traveling instead of them, if the point is just to see each other.

[Spryte]

Oh, we do extend specific ones. I really should have said that its open (as in, we tell them to suggest a visit whenever it is convenient and we will make time if at all possible) but we also issue specific ones for specific dates.

 

[...]Really, I would love to just go down there 1x/year and have them come up the rest of the time. It just seems silly to have us be traveling instead of them, if the point is just to see each other.

 

I agree with you. It does seem silly. They sound a bit like my in laws - the ones who need the specific invitation. They generally come to us once a year, even with the specific invitations, which have to be spelled out so explicitly. [sigh] But my in laws are not in good health, and they are in their mid-70s, so we worry about them driving anyway, and will probably go to them more often from now on. They are closer though.

 

One more idea, that you've probably tried already - do the kids have activities the in laws could attend? A play? A concert? A big game? Maybe an invitation from a kiddo would prompt them to visit, and do some of the travel? Just a random thought, and you've likely tried it!

[GailV]

About 5 hours away, and we only go there a couple of times a year at most.

 

Issues:

 

Now that the kids are older it's really, really hard to get time away. ACT tests! Dual enrollment courses with homework due Monday morning! Plus the kids perform at various things (choirs, musicals, plays) that are on the weekend. My parents understand that, and often mentioned it as the kids were growing up.("Once they're in high school you'll have trouble finding time to travel!")

 

Inlaws live about 45 minutes from my parents, so we need to figure out separate-but-equal visits every time we go. Sometimes it's easier to just say, "Oh, oops, we can't come there!" (Inlaws are ... not precisely toxic, but somewhere on the spectrum.)

 

My parents moved into a retirement community because they were panicking that they were getting old. Frankly, the place sucks, and their apartment is tiny. And I hate the town it's in. Dh has many food sensitivities, and it's incredibly hard for him to eat there. So it's physically unpleasant to be at their place.

 

We try to have them come visit us, but they're older now --70s/80s -- so it only works if my sister can drive them.

[Tutor]

Twice a year: once around Thanksgiving or Christmas then again in August for the county fair. :001_smile: Now we live 20 hours away... we haven't been to see family in about 3 years. They try to get here once a year, though. Much easier for two people to travel than for 6 people and a dog.

[Tammyla]

I learned the hard way, that they would badger us to drive up there (-5 each way), but wouldn't drive down here more than once a year. So...I'll drive up there once a year.

 

The road runs both ways kwim?

[Tammi K]

We routinely, about once a month, traveled to visit in-laws. Our drive was about 3.5 hours. We would leave on a Friday night and hang-out til Sunday afternoon. We first did it with DH, me, and the dog. Then we added a baby. Then two kids. Then an extra dog.......

[hollyh]

about 3x/year.

If it was MY parents, I would probably take the kids more often...

[swellmomma]

Title pretty much says it all. Wondering what the norm is for a homeschool family.

 

That would depend on how much I like them. If not much maybe 1-2 times a year, if I liked them a whole lot maybe every 6-8 weeks.

[HSMWB]

This used to be us for my parents - I went once a month or so. Now they are an hour away and we still go once a month or so. It was difficult with a baby and toddler - then I usually left right after dinner and hoped and prayed that they would fall asleep quickly and we would get in before I started to fall asleep while driving which is no good at all.

[Acorn]

About 4 times a year for the 5 hour drive, and 2 or 3 times for the 9 hour trip. If I homeschooled we would travel more often.

[tabrizia]

My parents are 12ish hours away (takes us 2 days to get there most time). Driving we visit 2 times a year, I also fly down 2 to 3 more times a year.

 

My grandmother is 4 hours away we normally visit when driving down to my parents she is on the way, but we will also visit sometimes 2 more times a year, we spend the night when we go down though.

 

If it was just visiting family 4 or 5 hours away, we would probably visit 4 to 5 times a year, spending at least 1 night, likely more, depending on the kids activities.

[TravelingChris]

WE never saw my FIL or my Bils when we lived four to five hours away. It had to do with a very bad situation where it was unsafe for any of us to travel to that area and get involved. The times we spoke with FIL we always invited him to come live with us or move out and live someplace else which we could help with. He never took us up on it and we don't go there. From our best understanding, there are strangers living in the house with them and these people are not a good lot. My FIL still had all his faculties then and it was his choice. There was nothing we could do.

 

My brother flies in to visit us one to two times a year. He does not have the space for us to visit him and stay though if we travel to LA, we definitely meet up with him (the last time though was nine years ago).