How much should children be told?

[Catwoman]

But you know I'm getting my own life confused here with my hypothetical....in my case it was then and there, cut and dried. If it had happened the way I described....2 years had passed....secrets had been kept. Not sure what I would have done...

 

Knowing me though I would still have told my kid the truth. Hey turns out your dad was seeing his girlfriend when we were still married. NOW the divorce is making sense to me!

 

I would assume that the mom of the Kids in Question may very well decide to tell her kids the truth, and that's why I responded as I did. I wouldn't blame her for not wanting her kids to think she was at fault for the divorce. (I would also hope she wouldn't go into agonizing detail about it with the kids.)

[LucyStoner]

I'm not Imp and I haven't been there, but I honestly wouldn't want to be the person that burdens them with that kind of information. They have enough to deal with considering their parents are now divorced. I also like to think I am the type of mom that wants them to have the best relationship possible with both parents. I haven't been there though, so I can only speculate on how I hope I behave.

 

:iagree:

 

It is a burden on the child to be told. Even if it means I have to be uncomfortable, I am not burdening my kids unless absolutely necessary.

[Scarlett]

Would I be upset? Yes. Would I feel personal betrayal? Absolutely. Would it make me crazy? Yes. But, I would not feel like I was *betraying* my children by not poisoning their relationship with their dad. Quite the opposite. I have seen the 30+ year results of that and it isn't pretty, not for anyone, including mom.

 

Telling the truth is not poison. My son still loves his dad very much in spite of having the truth about how our marriage ended.

 

I am sure there are extremes to this 'truth telling'. As I've said before, there is much I don't tell ds because it would serve no purpose. But knowing that his dad's gf is the reason for our divorce? Yeah, he needs to know that. He needs to know what kind of person he is dealing with.

[TammyS]

Having been the child of divorce (5, actually), I know what it's like. And having very strong beliefs about marriage and family (traditional Catholic), I would tell. I would tell because my children need to know that their family isn't breaking up because I'm bored, having a mid-life crisis, feeling "unhappy", etc. It's breaking up their father cheated.

 

I don't actually believe that marriage IS private, BTW, I believe it is quite public. We get married and take vows with witnesses and under extensive civil law. There is a reason that adultery was a CRIME in most places until very, very recently. Their father committed a CRIME. Against me and them. So, I would tell them. They have a right to know their family is breaking up because a crime was committed and a covenant broken.

 

If she were still around, I would also tell them who the woman was. Because I WOULD want their judgement of her to be colored by the truth. If she didn't want that idea about her in people's minds, particularly the people she hurt the most by her skankitude, she should have held an aspirin between her knees.

 

I wouldn't dwell on it (with the kids). I would tell them once and be done. But I would want them to know the truth. The truth matters. It's their family that is being torn apart, just as much as mine, so it's their truth, too, and I would have no right to hide it.

[LucyStoner]

Telling the truth is not poison. My son still loves his dad very much in spite of having the truth about how our marriage ended.

 

I am sure there are extremes to this 'truth telling'. As I've said before, there is much I don't tell ds because it would serve no purpose. But knowing that his dad's gf is the reason for our divorce? Yeah, he needs to know that. He needs to know what kind of person he is dealing with.

 

The GF is not the reason. His choice to have the affair is the reason. She is no more culpable than your ex and in fact less so, since she had no obligation to your marriage. By "letting him know" the "kind of person" she is, you are sending a louder message about who your ex is. I don't think some one should lie, but a child should not be placed in the middle of the complex and hurtful mess.

[Scarlett]

Having been the child of divorce (5, actually), I know what it's like. And having very strong beliefs about marriage and family (traditional Catholic), I would tell. I would tell because my children need to know that their family isn't breaking up because I'm bored, having a mid-life crisis, feeling "unhappy", etc. It's breaking up their father cheated.

 

I don't actually believe that marriage IS private, BTW, I believe it is quite public. We get married and take vows with witnesses and under extensive civil law. There is a reason that adultery was a CRIME in most places until very, very recently. Their father committed a CRIME. Against me and them. So, I would tell them. They have a right to know their family is breaking up because a crime was committed and a covenant broken.

 

If she were still around, I would also tell them who the woman was. Because I WOULD want their judgement of her to be colored by the truth. If she didn't want that idea about her in people's minds, particularly the people she hurt the most by her skankitude, she should have held an aspirin between her knees.

 

I wouldn't dwell on it (with the kids). I would tell them once and be done. But I would want them to know the truth. The truth matters. It's their family that is being torn apart, just as much as mine, so it's their truth, too, and I would have no right to hide it.

 

Thank you! I heart you!

[Audrey]

I would be honest if they asked, but I don't think I would bring it up to them.

 

This. With the addendum that the honest answer also needs to be couched in respect to the child's maturity and emotional capacity when s/he asks. Over time, one can be somewhat more detailed, but in no case should "being honest" be construed as a licence to lay bare the sordid details of anyone's personal life. That's just bitterness talking, then, not honesty.

[Scarlett]

The GF is not the reason. His choice to have the affair is the reason. She is no more culpable than your ex and in fact less so, since she had no obligation to your marriage. By "letting him know" the "kind of person" she is, you are sending a louder message about who your ex is. I don't think some one should lie, but a child should not be placed in the middle of the complex and hurtful mess.

 

That is ludicrous. The GF is one half of the equation. If she had not had sex with my now XH I would not have divorced him. She did a wrong to me and my son EVEN THOUGH she didn't make a vow to me. Most people think it is wrong to have sex with another woman's husband.

 

True she is no more culpable than the husband....I have never said that. But their joint decision ruined my marriage and ruined my son's FOO.

 

Letting my son know the truth about why his FOO failed definitely sent him a message about what kind of person my XH is...and the woman who would be party to that. Does it mean I **** my X forever and tell my son he is not worthy of love? No. I tell him his father made a big mistake and it cost all of us a lot...and that hopefully he will do what he needs to do to make it right before God.

[Scarlett]

Interesting how close the results are between tell and not tell.

[Mrs Mungo]

Interesting how close the results are between tell and not tell.

 

Probably a lot of life experience on both sides. Divorce tends to be a no-win situation.

 

Why ask the question if you only want people to agree with you? Make it a jawm in the future, and I won't give you my answer based on my own life experience. Yelling at people giving answers you don't like gives a pretty good indication that you don't really want answers that oppose your view.

[Catwoman]

That is ludicrous. The GF is one half of the equation. If she had not had sex with my now XH I would not have divorced him. She did a wrong to me and my son EVEN THOUGH she didn't make a vow to me. Most people think it is wrong to have sex with another woman's husband.

 

I can't speak for Katie, but my impression was that I think she means that if it hadn't been this woman, it would have been another one.

 

And realistically, your ex was a liar and a cheat. He may have been incredibly charming and lied to the GF through his teeth, telling her how you guys were already planning a divorce or whatever.

 

I'm not saying she wasn't at fault, but I am suggesting that your dh was MORE at fault, because he was going to cheat with someone, whether or not it was that particular woman.

[TammyS]

Interesting how close the results are between tell and not tell.

 

I think a lot of it stems from a desire to not hurt the kids by telling and some fundamental disagreement about whether it's needed/worth it.

 

To my mind, the idea is quite right, though. They are already hurt, telling only lets them know WHY they are hurt.

 

If your DR tells you that you have stomach cancer, he didn't cause the pain in your abdomen, he explained it.

[LucyStoner]

 

Why ask the question if you only want people to agree with you? Make it a jawm in the future, and I won't give you my answer based on my own life experience. Yelling at people giving answers you don't like gives a pretty good indication that you don't really want answers that oppose your view.

 

Totally.

 

I can't speak for Katie, but my impression was that I think she means that if it hadn't been this woman, it would have been another one.

 

And realistically, your ex was a liar and a cheat. He may have been incredibly charming and lied to the GF through his teeth, telling her how you guys were already planning a divorce or whatever.

 

I'm not saying she wasn't at fault, but I am suggesting that your dh was MORE at fault, because he was going to cheat with someone, whether or not it was that particular woman.

 

Thank you. I do agree. People who sleep with married people are doing an awful thing. To the family, to themselves etc. But if my husband cheated, he would be the only person married to me, with a vow of fidelity to me, in that adulterous situation. He would be the only party who I cared about and the only party who I had the absolute right to expect better behavior from. It's not ludicrous to care more about the vow broken than the actions of an unrelated person. If he was willing to cheat, it really doesn't matter who in particular.

 

Frankly, you have always made it sound like adultery was the only reason you were able to get yourself out of a hellish situation. I would focus on the life you have now rather than blame over the past. One of the things I am grateful to my parents is of respectful they remained of each other while separated (until death, no divorce.) and one of the things I wish they both had done better was not share intimate details of their marriage. Kids don't need to know unless there is a safety issue involved (you can't visit mom because she is an addict and it's not safe or we are staying in this shelter because dad is not safe to be around.)

[Catwoman]

Thank you. I do agree. People who sleep with married people are doing an awful thing. To the family, to themselves etc. But if my husband cheated, he would be the only person married to me, with a vow of fidelity to me, in that adulterous situation. He would be the only party who I cared about and the only party who I had the absolute right to expect better behavior from. It's not ludicrous to care more about the vow broken than the actions of an unrelated person. If he was willing to cheat, it really doesn't matter who in particular.

 

:iagree:

 

I never understand it when someone I know says her husband cheated on her, and she absolutely hates the other woman. :confused:

 

Ummm.... hello??? What about your idiot husband???

 

Even if the other woman threw herself at him, he had a moral obligation to walk away from her. Period.

 

Put the blame where it belongs. If your spouse cheats on you, that's who you should blame, because the other person doesn't even matter. If it wasn't that person, it was going to be someone else.

 

I'm not saying you have to accept the other person or try to be friends with her, but I'm saying that the primary blame rests with the cheating spouse.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Catwoman
My typos are really awful tonight!

[jujsky]

I voted "Pandas are pretty" because I think it totally depends. If the child is an adult or teen and knows something is going and asks, that's one thing. If it's a parent trying to alleviate their guilt by being "honest" with their child? No way in h*ll.

Edited October 10, 2012 by jujsky

[Heather in Neverland]

Children that age don't need (or generally care about) anyone's romantic history past cute 'How I met your mother' stories. I can't imagine an argument FOR burdening them with this information and anyone who does so seems rather tacky to me.

 

:iagree:

 

When they are older and better able to understand the complexities of relationships...the good, the bad, the ugly... then maybe. But before that you are giving them more information than they can handle. If the "scorned" spouse tells them it is mostly to satisfy his/her need for revenge rather than what is in the best interests of the child and I think that is selfish and wrong.

 

Kids do not need to know all about the adult world. That's why they are kids.

 

 

.

[FO4UR]

 

 

Kids do not need to know all about the adult world. That's why they are kids.

 

 

.

 

 

Kids don't need to know it *all,* but they do need to know the truth on at least a basic level. Having been a child who was sheltered-too-much from the adult world on a very sensitive topic (not divorce, but comparable), I can safely say that just as much damage is done by not telling enough as telling too much.

 

 

When a trusted adult gives a trite answer...and the child hears snippets of the actual facts from others...trust is broken. Period. Basic truth is always best. "Your father had an affair." is basic truth. Going further than that is too much, but avoiding saying those words is too little. jhmo

 

 

Kids are very vulnerable, and yet much smarter than we give credit for when it comes to finding things out. If you want their trust, in a crazy world, be honest and fair.

[Rosie_0801]

If I'd been in your shoes, Scarlett, I'd have said much the same thing. I think it is an entirely different situation when the marriage in question ended some time ago. Say it then, or don't say anything unless they ask or the parent child relationship is being damaged. I can understand with an older child or teen needing to bring it up. "I can see you are still angry I divorced your parent, yeah? I'm getting the feeling you don't think I had a good enough reason. Is that it?" Or something like that.

 

Rosie

[IsabelC]

I live in a grey world, not a black and white world.

 

I think, at the end of the day, a parent's decision should be based ONLY on what is in the best interest of the child. Given that, I can imagine few circumstances where depicting the other parent as "at fault" is good for the kid.

 

I would try to find a way to tell the child that the marriage failed, that you both made mistakes, that no matter how painful the marriage became, you are both grateful for it because of the child who you created together. And, that you are both very sorry for the loss of the family, and that you both want the child to know and love the other parent, and that you love, love, love the child.

 

When the child asks, WHY?, the answer is, that every marriage is very complicated, and that there were 20,000 days in the marriage, 480,000 hours (or whatever), and that in each of those days and hours, you each made choices that could have been better, but you did the best with what you had (skills/strengths/weaknesses/courage/etc), and that, in the end, you both failed to keep the marriage strong enough to last, and you regret this deeply, particularly for the sake of the child. That there is no one reason why any marriage fails, and that, someday, when the child is an adult, you might be ready to discuss more about it, but that a marriage is always private, and the end of a marriage is always painful, and you really can't and won't discuss the details of it beyond what you have already said.

 

:iagree: exactly.

[SKL]

I would leave it open, but if they asked directly, I would not lie.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Divorce is hard and ugly. Nobody really gets it and the explanations of why a set of parents divorced can be confusing. Most kids need a black and white answer. When they don't get one with a divorce they will look for one. It sounds like the marriages were already falling apart and that all the adult parties involved worked to save the marriages but it just didn't work. To kids, this makes no sense. Now years later this new tidbit of information comes along and BOOM, you have a black and white answer. The kids will believe that the *real* reason the marriages failed is because of the cheating. It'll be ugly.

 

The age would depend on the answer I gave said kids.

 

Elementary age - We were friends before and now we like each other.

Middle School - We had an attraction before the divorces and are exploring it now.

High School - (the same as middle school)

Adult - Well, then we get into the hard part.

 

A year or two ago my Mom told me she had a non-sexual affair with a man before she left my Dad. The two issues were not really related but did cross over (it's complex). Cheating is a BIG issue for me, like massive. So it's been hard coming to terms with what my Mom did and that my father never knew about it. On the other hand my Dad had my soon-to-be stepmother move in before the divorce between my parents was finalized. I spent decades blaming my step-mother for the divorce.

[scrappyhappymama]

My thought is that at ages 7 and 11, a short non-dramatic explanation, like the one you gave your son Scarlett can be appropriate. But, I do feel it should only come from the parents involved, not from any other party, as interested as they may be in the child's well being.

 

I do think that a continuing relationship is a different situation than an affair that ended a marriage but no longer continues. If an adulterer continues in their relationship, as ugly as that might be for the adults involved, if they are a parent, their relationship with their child is separate from that. I can see keeping children in the dark for a while for the benefit of their parental relationships. But, I do think it is appropriate for a parent to sit down with them as they get older and explain things a little more openly. Especially if they were too young to understand when it happened and may have grown up with a misunderstanding about the relationships of the folks involved.

 

A dear friend of mine found out abruptly as a young adult that his father was not his biological father and that he was born as a result of an adulterous relationship. That was a BIG deal for him to process, especially as it came out suddenly and accidentally, and it took him a long time to forgive his parents for not telling him themselves at some point. Obviously it wasn't a conversation to have with a young child, but it should have happened some time before adulthood.

[nd293]

The father has a responsibility to tell the children. It would be inappropriate for the mother to say anything when the children are young. In other words,I don't see it as a secret the mother must keep from the children, but I view it as not particularly relevant to the children's relationship with their father while they are young. If they ask why you got divorced, sure, say that Dad had another girfriend - share information on request only.

 

I base this on the situation with my parents - my mother certainly never told me specifically that my father had an affair, but I came to that understanding when I was older. I imagine I put together the fact that they (father and stepmother) had worked together before my parents divorced, plus I guess my Mom might have been less circumspect with information as we got older. Having the information certainly influenced my view of my father, and influenced the things I looked for in a partner, but also enhanced my respect for my mother.

[Catherine]

If they ask questions, they should be answered in an honest, age-appropriate way, but nothing volunteered.

 

I've seen a couple of divorces where the Mom controlled the flow of information and made sure it was very favorable to herself. Both times, she maintained the loyalty of the kids until they were able to see the situation with adult eyes. And in both cases, the adult children concluded that the Mom was wrong to involve them so much in the ugly details of the situation.

 

And in both cases, they distanced themselves considerably from Mom when they could see reality more clearly.

[Soror]

Hypothetically. I wouldn't bring it up but I wouldn't lie but keep the info very simple with little details. All too often it seems that kids are just as pawns for the parents. Parents say they are just telling the info to be honest but really it turns into wanting to have someone else on their side. Someone else to comfort them and talk about what a jerk the ex-spouse was and is. Fwiw I'm generally of the always give kid info camp but I think in this case giving the info is more to help the one parent vent than to really benefit the child. I also think that personally people that I know who are bitter and go on and on about the horribleness of someone don't top my list of people I want to be around. I would hope to try and minimize that to my kids and try my best to continue to be the best mom I could be independent of whatever jerk things their father might have done to me. I would want to be careful not to rob them of the relationship of their father based on him being a less than stellar husband(obviously assuming no abuse had taken place).

[Joanne]

Another reality to consider is if the relationship lapsed, resurrected, and endured, the child(ren) are likely to have a relationship with that woman. Like it or not, it's in the best interest of the kids that the relationship with Dad's partner be "set up" to be the best it can.

 

Even if it kills the xspouse.

[Kathryn]

I don't think children need to know the whole truth about their *parents* and the s*x lives of their parents. I don't automatically believe that telling the truth to the kids is "the right thing." But, it is worth weighing whether they might hear it from someone else. In that case, I would rather they heard it from me.

 

Eta: I voted pandas since it was the only other option.

 

This. The truth comes out eventually.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Kathryn

[Heather in Neverland]

Would I be upset? Yes. Would I feel personal betrayal? Absolutely. Would it make me crazy? Yes. But, I would not feel like I was *betraying* my children by not poisoning their relationship with their dad. Quite the opposite. I have seen the 30+ year results of that and it isn't pretty, not for anyone, including mom.

 

:iagree:

 

My father had an affair when I was 11yo. My mom never told me or my brothers about it (we know now but not from her and not until we were adults) and she continued to raise us to respect our father.

 

I have GREAT respect for her for not burdening young children with adult problems they are not emotionally equipped to handle. We could go on loving on our dad and not feel like we were betraying our mom.

 

Their marriage was a wreck but they loved us. In the end, that sustained us. If she had told me back then I would have hated my dad for it and life would be very different.

 

 

.

[ChristyB in TN]

I love that show!!! Sorry...I deal with stressful topics by making myself laugh. Yes I realize I am not funny. But I am funny to me.

 

It sorta sucks all around. I don't know. My parents divorced and then remarried. I always knew much more then they thought I did.

 

I do, too. It is crazy and I really seem crazy in stressful situations. A dear friend's father died this week and I was helping clean out his room at the nursing home. All I could do was make stupid jokes and talk about everything under the sun. My husband literally shook his head at me. :confused: this KEEPS happening! I fall part when someone has cancer, is hurt, is sad...except death. I can't keep a straight face.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here, but I would make it a non ordeal by telling the kids. It IS going to come out and you just can't predict their personalities and hang ups and how they will take it later on. If it is part of their family history like:

grandad went to prison for price setting! He is out now and doing fine, he just can't vote.

Mom has a tattoo on her butt that says "Bill forever." Dad's name is John.

Grandma has a prescription pill problem and sings about Obama all the time. We love her anyway.

See what I mean? It is called life and family. We are all human to our children. I wouldn't make a deal about it. It happened. It is history. It is who we all are. ( I don't have a tattoo)

[Tess in the Burbs]

I don't think so. Children would only be confused. They love Dad....do they see his behavior as ok? I guess if the family in general accepts this kind of behavior and doesn't frown on it why not tell them. But if you have any hope of them not repeating or being accepting of the behavior then no! It's none of their business. Don't hurt them.

 

 

I have met people who say their step mom or dad is the one their parent had an affair with. And it's never said with a lot of love. They do not respect the people who broke up their marriage. The kids will not love this person b/c of the info being told to them.

[Dmmetler]

I'm in the "better hear it from the parents" at an age appropriate level camp.

 

 

One of my DD7's friends got to hear, at age 5 "Your daddy stays in MY mommy's bed at night because YOUR mommy doesn't meet his needs!". And similar statements. It kind of blew "Your father and I both love you very much, but have decided that we're better off living apart" out of the water. I'm not sure which kid I feel sorrier for-the one who apparently was being used as a confidante for his mother (because that wording isn't coming from a kindergartner's brain) or the one who found out about her father's affair on the playground, and ended up blaming her mother for it.

[Karen in CO]

Do what you feel is necessary. But, *I* would not do that because I have seen the results of moms revealing too much in the grown-up relationships of my dh's parents and their kids. It wasn't good for any of the relationships, based on what I have seen. I see 30 years of bile and resentment that nobody can totally get past.

 

 

 

How is it a lie to share responsibility? You did what you felt you needed to in *your* relationship with *your* ex and *your* kid. I think you should allow your current husband to do the same.

:iagree:

Your marriage and the reasons for your divorce have nothing to do with your kids. They don't need to know about the s*x lives of their parents. Simple. It is not a lie to keep your s*x life to yourself. Keeping private things that should remain private isn't a lie. Do you share your current s*x life with your kids? "Good morning, want pancakes? Dh and I had great s*x last night." I know I'm being a little shallow and silly, but it is the same type of thing with much worse consequences.

 

When anybody asks why my ex and I are divorced, out of respect for my ds, I answer that we both knew we shouldn't have gotten married, and we're much happier now. I work really hard to be civil, polite and respectful to my ex to help limit the very real damage our divorce could do to my ds. It has nothing to do with ME or justice or fairness or anything else. I think I heard somewhere you can get rid of a husband, but you can't get rid of an ex-husband. I will see ex and his wife at ds's graduation, wedding and hopefully Christmas with grandkids. We will never, ever embarrass ds. We didn't do a good job of being married, but we have worked really hard for the past 20 years to be good at being divorced.

[FaithManor]

I'm in the "better hear it from the parents" at an age appropriate level camp.

 

 

One of my DD7's friends got to hear, at age 5 "Your daddy stays in MY mommy's bed at night because YOUR mommy doesn't meet his needs!". And similar statements. It kind of blew "Your father and I both love you very much, but have decided that we're better off living apart" out of the water. I'm not sure which kid I feel sorrier for-the one who apparently was being used as a confidante for his mother (because that wording isn't coming from a kindergartner's brain) or the one who found out about her father's affair on the playground, and ended up blaming her mother for it.

 

 

Yikes!

 

Normally, I'm in the not telling children camp if it can be helped until they are mature adults.

 

However, if there is a good chance they'll get that information from another source, then best that the parents handle it. I truly do think it's best to not if possible, but when a dear friend was told about his mother's affair by kids at a church youth party, it was devastating. Turns out, it had been a rather well known, flaming affair, and only ended because she could not afford to be divorced and her husband wanted to remain under one roof until the youngest graduated from high school. It was not a pretty way for him to find out and since they knew a HUGE number of people were very aware of the affair, they probably should have had a gentle discussion with their son. It would have hurt no matter what, but not half as bad as the pronouncement in front of friends. For what it is worth, it's the only time that our very gentle youth pastor became quite angry...the stupid teen that opened her mouth...I don't know where her brain cells were that night but she had that "mean girl" reputation.

 

So, I guess my advice is that it depends on whether or not the children are at risk of finding out in a very unhealthy way from inappropriate conversations that local gossips are bent on spewing.

 

Faith

[goldberry]

I wasn't sure what option to select. I have only dealt with this through my husband's experience. His parents were married for 25 years and then mom had an affair. My DH was older so he knew about it. It was all "poor dad, evil mom". Mom knew she had done something very wrong and did not try to justify it. Nor did she say A WORD about their dad. So, DH and everyone else were all on Dad's side, poor dad, evil mom.

 

Years later though it came out that dad was a p**n addict, and had been doing a NUMBER of other things throughout their marraige that caused a huge amount of harm and anguish on the mom. Mom finally cracked and had an affair. I am not justifying the affair. But there was way more to it than that, and it was definitely not so simple as poor dad, evil mom. I think that it is almost NEVER that simple.

 

I asked the mom later, why didn't you tell your kids anything (they were older) so they would understand and not blame you for everything? She said she knew it would come across as justifying the affair, AND she didn't want to harm their view of their father with what was personal between the two of them.

 

I realized later that it should have been THE DAD who explained that marraige was complicated and that both parties were involved in marraiges ending. Mom took the high road, even though she was the "guilty party". Dad took the easy road that got him all the pity.

 

If the parent is a piece of crap, it should be the kid who figures that out, and they WILL figure it out. Not the parent who tells them.

[Guest]

I say there is no need for them to know when the relationship started. Some "truths" should go to the grave.

[T'smom]

:iagree:

 

I never understand it when someone I know says her husband cheated on her, and she absolutely hates the other woman. :confused:

 

Ummm.... hello??? What about your idiot husband???

 

Even if the other woman threw herself at him, he had a moral obligation to walk away from her. Period.

 

Put the blame where it belongs. If your spouse cheats on you, that's who you should blame, because the other person doesn't even matter. If it wasn't that person, it was going to be someone else.

 

I'm not saying you have to accept the other person or try to be friends with her, but I'm saying that the primary blame rests with the cheating spouse.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Murphy101]

I knew just enough to know everyone was feeding me a line of platitude BS. When I connected the dots and asking tougher questions, I deeply resented that the person who betrayed our family expected me to still like them. An affair is not just a betrayal of a spouse.

 

Yes, I understood they had some other issues going on. No, I didn't hate them.

 

But secrets are just another form of lie IMO and kids aren't as ignorant as parents would like.

 

No, they don't need sorid details or a parent crying on them.

 

But honesty is usually good. I would never have kept it secret that he had the girlfriend to begin with.

[Impish]

Think this through Imp. Say Wolf loses his mind and gets a girlfriend. You decide you are going to divorce him. Then Wolf starts getting visitation and he has his girlfriend around your children. Would you not feel you were betraying your children by helping keep the secret that she is the reason you are divorced Wolf?

 

Would I be upset? Yes. Would I feel personal betrayal? Absolutely. Would it make me crazy? Yes. But, I would not feel like I was *betraying* my children by not poisoning their relationship with their dad. Quite the opposite. I have seen the 30+ year results of that and it isn't pretty, not for anyone, including mom.

Mrs. Mungo answered for me.

[aggieamy]

I agree with a lot that's already posted in this thread. My opinion is that children don't need to be burdened with adult problems and certainly don't need to know the sex lives of adults. Way inappopriate. I also don't get the "you always have to tell your children the truth" line of thought. I'm honest with my children when it's appropriate for them to know it. If we were in dire financial straits and were selling things to make a house payment I sure wouldn't tell my kids - I'd let them know that we were being frugal but they wouldn't need to know how bad it was. Children worry about things differently than adults do and things that an adult can see are temporary problems can stay with a child.

 

Regardless of the reason for the divorce if the dad was a good dad then I wouldn't want to give the children any reason to not have a good relationship with them. Crappy husbands can still be good fathers.

[TammyS]

Kids do not need to know all about the adult world. That's why they are kids.

.

 

I think this idea is where a lot of the disagreement lies. This is a new, modern idea that childhood is some special class of life and that the adult's world is somehow separate from the child's and that children are some different class of person than adults.

 

Not everyone buys the modern interpretation of childhood as some special time to be sheltered and protected.

 

To those who do see childhood as some sort of special time where innocence is to be protected and joy should reign, telling them the truth seems like some kind of abusive behavior by robbing them of another piece of the "beauty of childhood" picture that the adult values.

 

To those who see children as people with less experience who need to gain experience in order to become adults, not telling them seems deceptive and abusive by not giving them the information they need to judge the goings-on around them accurately.

 

Perhaps I'm not seeing clearly, but I'm thinking that the difference really boils down to something along those lines (though perhaps I haven't worded it perfectly or in exactly the way that each thinks about it).

[jujsky]

I think I missed the original point when I first posted. If you mean that you want to tell your son that his dad had an affair, no. Absolutely don't do it. I understand your feelings and would feel the same way. It would make my blood boil to know my child was around the person who broke up my marriage (and I know there has been debate on whether it's the man or woman's fault -- I don't see it as either-or -- they were both at fault, and any woman who goes after a married man is a name I'm not allowed to say on this board). The child doesn't need to know this. It could possibly poison his relationship with his father, and as much of a jerk the guy seems to be, your son should be able to have the best relationship with him that is possible. It could also completely backfire on you. Ex-DH could retaliate by making up lies about you (that you were cold, unloving -- whatever -- typical lies or skewed truths one person tells when they want to validate their choice to cheat on their spouse and leave their marriage) and your son could believe some of those lies.

 

Scarlett, I was that kid. I was 16 when my parents split up. I knew that my dad had an affair on my mom, though I don't remember if my mom told me outright or if I figured it out on my own given that my dad was dating less than a week after leaving us. Knowing didn't help me. I was put in the middle of a miserable, ugly, toxic divorce. Out of anger, my parents would tell my brother (13 at the time) and I things about each other that I really had no business knowing, and only hurt us and to some extent our relationships with both parents in the long run. At the time, I thought I was my mom's ally. I was very protective towards her and angry at my dad. I think it helped her in some way to have that support, just like it helped my dad to tell me how cold, unloving, and stubborn my mother was. My dad also burst into tears and literally cried like a baby on my shoulder when his (insert name I can't say -- hint, it rhymes with "door") left him a year later. Once my parents split up, the parent/child boundaries blurred and sometimes disappeared. It made things very hard. Here they were treating me like an adult on one hand by telling me personal information I didn't have any business knowing (no dad, your 18 year-old daughter really DOESN'T need to know that you've been with a white woman, a Hispanic woman, and a black woman, and now all you need is an Asian to complete your collection) but imposing rules on me that I felt were ridiculous given that I was acting like more of an adult than they were at the time. It caused a lot of rebellion on my part.

 

My brother and I were not put first during their bitter divorce, no matter how much each parent says and believes that they were only angry about this or that thing the other parent did because it "hurt the kids." Umm, no -- my parents hurt us by not ever fighting with each other in front of us when they were married, announcing their divorce to two shocked teens the day after Christmas, and then spewing toxic waste about the other parent to us forever after. Heck, my dad has been dead for almost 6 years now and my mom STILL says horrible things about him and blames him for every bad thing that's ever happened in her life. He's DEAD! Let it go! Move on!

 

NO child should be put in the middle of their parents' crap. The way my parents handled their divorce caused me to lose a lot of respect for both of them and damaged our relationship. It's a parent's job to protect their children. No one protected my brother and me.

 

Please, please, please don't say anything to your son. It's not going to do him any good to know.

[bolt.]

Its not that I think that children are a special class of people that "don't need to be told" -- it's that I think, when it can be avoided, most people just don't need to open up their private and sexual lives except to trusted confidantes. That's not usually a child, and often it's unhealthy to bring a child into the knowledge of parental sexual fidelity.

 

It might be enough to say: "People get married by making important promises to each other. Breaking marriage promises is not OK, and (other partner) didn't keep his promises to me, so we are getting divorced."

 

A child old enough to ask 'which promises? Was it sex?' is old enough to take, 'I'm not going to tell you the details because they are personal' for an answer. It reaffirms simply that it's rude to ask people personal questions about things that are generally private.

[Kathryn]

Its not that I think that children are a special class of people that "don't need to be told" -- it's that I think, when it can be avoided, most people just don't need to open up their private and sexual lives except to trusted confidantes. That's not usually a child, and often it's unhealthy to bring a child into the knowledge of parental sexual fidelity.

 

It might be enough to say: "People get married by making important promises to each other. Breaking marriage promises is not OK, and (other partner) didn't keep his promises to me, so we are getting divorced."

 

A child old enough to ask 'which promises? Was it sex?' is old enough to take, 'I'm not going to tell you the details because they are personal' for an answer. It reaffirms simply that it's rude to ask people personal questions about things that are generally private.

 

I totally agree with this. One thing I'm so glad of is that my patents never talked badly about each other while I was growing up. I figured things out on my own and now as an adult in able to speak with each about certain things in an adult way. DH's parents used the children to hurt the other parent. He ended up with no respect for either one.

[bcnlvr]

It's not the child's cross to bear, it's the adult's. Coming clean just to clear one's conscience should be deferred if it hurts another.

[Abigail4476]

My kids (now going on 18, 16 and 14) all know that their Dad's wife was their Dad's something else before our marriage paper-ended.

 

The kids were 11, 9, and 7 when the divorced happened. I did not tell them, or hint, or "go there."

 

I didn't sit them down and tell them, but in the course of time and maturity, they put it together and I did not protect the secret.

 

Pandas are pretty.

 

:iagree: with this course of action. I wouldn't have a sit-down tell-all with young children, but if they asked questions I would answer honestly and succinctly. My rule of thumb for answering questions is that if they are old enough to form the question, they are old enough to receive an answer.

 

...not necessarily a detailed answer, but a satisfactory answer.

[amy g.]

I would not talk badly about your x or his girlfriend. My mom could never spare us a single gory detail, and today, the woman my dad had an affair with is one of the most important people in my children's lives.

 

On the other hand, my mother has never laid eyes on most of her grandchildren.

 

Her vindictiveness only hurt her in the end.

[TammyS]

I've just realized that there is an assumption going on with a lot of people here that basically reads like this:

 

telling the child the truth =

constantly running the child's father down to the child

 

I know that people have done that in some people's experience, but I don't think it's an accurate assumption. You can tell the child the truth (that their father had an affair) without giving gory details and without constantly rehashing it or otherwise repeatedly running their father down to their face.

[Abigail4476]

Another thing to consider:

 

Your children will eventually know all the details. Even if you don't tell them now, they will figure it out and then their angst will be between them and their dad. It won't involve you at all, because you protected them from the drama.

 

You risk hurting your children and damaging their relationship with their father further (than he already has) by telling them much of anything. You risk nothing by waiting until they ask or waiting until they are a lot older to explain your side.

 

Let them ask their Dad why he cheated and left his family.

 

As for the comment about it not being the GF's fault: I think the point there is that men who are cheaters will cheat. The even more gratifying point, if you're looking for any, is that a man who will cheat on his wife will also cheat on his GF...and his new wife...and his mistress.

[Guest submarines]

How about 7 and 11?

 

Your poll questions don't correspond well to what you're asking. I believe that children deserve age appropriate truth, but I don't think it is age apprpriate until they are well in their teens and can grasp the complixity of the situation. Divorce is hard enough. I'd work on it being as smooth as possible for the children. Sometimes not telling everything is for the best.

[Guest submarines]

Interesting how close the results are between tell and not tell.

 

Your poll options are worded in a biased way. I don't think you can interpret the results with any, even if anecdotal, validity.

 

I believe chidren should be told the truth, age appropriated. I also would not have told mine at this age, as it is none of their business, but I don't have the qualifying attitude that "I'd die with my secrets."