MIL is dying....wwyd?

[mykdsmomy]

Oh this is a long long long story that would take me hours to explain fully so I'll try to keep it simple.

 

My mil is dying of liver cancer. She is at home and has hospice. (We invited her to move in with us but she wanted to stay in her own home which is understandable).

 

She is down to a matter of weeks now (says the hospice nurse). My bil (dh's brother) and his wife and kids have basically now moved into her house with her because they don't want her to be alone.

 

My mil is narcissistic. She has caused MUCH drama in our family. She has played favorites with my kids and her other grandchildren. She was abusive to my husband and his siblings while they were growing up. When we had our dd17 (first grandchild for her), she basically tried to buy her love. She would buy dd tons and tons of toys but none of them could come home...they would all have to stay at her house. She even told dd that she wished "she" was her mommy! We had tons of problems so we basically cut ties. (but not before we helped her through her first round of cancer, her breakdown after fil left, etc)

 

Here is where everything gets complicated. My sil (dh's brother's wife) walked out of our house on Christmas eve (right before MIL was going to tell us about her cancer) because she said "she didn't feel welcome in our home". She got up and made a scene and walked out with bil and their kids. I was hurt and offended. She later told us that she felt like we weren't including her. We were all sitting around my table talking and she was on the couch with bil holding a baby. She could have come sat with us but was mad that we didn't ask her to? I'm still unsure. I apologized for not making her feel welcome but I had talked to her all night and didn't think there was a problem? My kids were playing with her kids ....except for her oldest who was sitting by herself texting her boyfriend the whole time....

 

Anyway...tonight, sil laid a huge guilt trip on me and told me that my mil has been crying and just wants to see her grandkids. (we went over there tonight and have been going over here and there...but dh is DONE with mil. We had her over for dinner a few weeks ago when she could still get out...and DH went over last weekend for dinner at her house with bil and sil....and then again the other morning when she thought she was dying. The thing is, sil says she doesn't care how much "abuse" or whatever is going on.....that's dh's mother and we should all be there. (this is my bil's wife, mind you...she has been married to bil for 10 years. She hasn't been around to see the cr*p we've had to deal with). She told me "I know your kids don't want to come over but that's their grandma and she's dying. I MADE my kids come because I'm teaching them the value of family".

 

Ok, I just don't know what to think here. I can't force my husband to go spend time with his dying mother. I just can't.

 

Sil also told me "I know you have a big family. I have a big family too. My grandfather died last week and I'm still here....my dd graduated high school and I'm still here....."

 

I just don't know how to respond to that! She told me that they moved in even though mil didn't really want them to. She then told me we can still come any time ...and she doesn't want us to not come just because they are there. (Yet, she told me when I wanted to have a family gathering for mil last month, that she wouldn't come because she didn't feel comfortable in my home!).

 

As you can see there is a lot of drama! There's so much more but I'll stop because I can feel smoke starting to come off of my fingers as I type and my blood pressure is rising!

 

I know it's my MIL. I also know that it's not healthy for my kids, who have gotten nothing but guilt trips from my mil when they do see her, to be forced to go visit her. She is constantly telling dd13 that she should go to "real" school.

 

WWYD? I can't force dh...I don't want to force dc (especially the boys because she has never given them the time of day). Am I being cold? :(

[Jean in Newcastle]

No, you aren't being cold. You are not ignoring your MIL. Different ones of you are going over there as you are able. SIL seems to be taking over for you MIL in the manipulation department. I don't know what to say to her, really. At some point you might need to just say "Stop trying to guilt us into what you want us to do", but it might be better since your MIL has so little time to just pass the bean dip for the time being.

[mykdsmomy]

Thanks Jean :) SIL told me tonight that she thinks that MIL should be surrounded by family 24/7 at this point...and implied that we should be there nearly every day. That is just not possible for us.

[AK_Mom4]

Hugs! :grouphug: Sounds difficult!

 

I would probably try to step back (as you are doing!) and let your DH take the lead since this is his mom. If he mentions wanting to go visit, offer to go with him and take whatever kids are interested in going. If he doesn't mention it, try not to let your SIL stress you out.

 

And I agree with you - I wouldn't take the kids over to visit her unless they actually wanted to go. No point in introducing more drama into your family life.

[coffeefreak]

:grouphug:

Death is such a difficult thing to deal with. It's not pretty. Even if you are very close with some one, that doesn't mean you can bring yourself to see them in a hospice situation, and it also doesn't necessarily mean they want to see you. I would never force anyone, especially my children to visit a dying relative, even if they were close. You're doing the right thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know what you should do, but I know what I would do.

 

I would tell my family that people deserve to die thinking the world was an alright place and that their relatives weren't such a bad mob. I'd tell them if we can be nice enough in Unpleasant Relative's last days, that relative might well be inspired to be re-born a nicer person. :p I'd tell them I didn't care how insincere they were as long as they performed well and if they needed vast quantities of ice cream to sooth their inevitably frazzled nerves after each performance, I'd buy a tub each. Then I would go as often as I could to cook, clean, smile and quietly tell SIL to shut up and eat more bean dip and chocolate biscuits if she harassed me, while I tutored my kids in how to sound sincere while they provide their grandmother with whatever it is she wants to hear. I'd probably make my kids go once now, so it wouldn't be a fear of the unknown holding them back and because she's been asking for them, but after that I'd play it by ear. I think there are times to tell kids to suck it up and times to let them stay away, but I don't suppose you know which times are which until they are happening. When they went, there would definitely be tutoring and ice cream...

 

But I certainly wouldn't knock you if you did none of the above. You are not being cold. It would serve some people right if they had bean dip dumped over their head.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

Edited June 25, 2012 by Rosie_0801

[EmmaNZ]

I have difficult relatives as well. I know where you are coming from with all the drama. I don't think you are being cold.

 

That said, a few weeks is not very much time. I think for my own peace of mind I would make sure I was doing as much as I could for my dying relative. It sounds like you are doing that already. If I could manage more, I would try to force myself and try to put a smile on my face. If you can't go every day then that's the end of the matter. Your MIL is not alone.

 

It is not your responsibility to keep a drama queen SIL happy. It is also not your responsibility to force your dh or your kids to see grandma. But, I think I would try to talk to my dh about how little time there is left.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Oi vey, what a guilt trip the SIL has placed on you. Were I in your shoes tell her that your family unit is doing what they feel needs to be done and that's that.

[kalanamak]

Thanks Jean :) SIL told me tonight that she thinks that MIL should be surrounded by family 24/7 at this point...and implied that we should be there nearly every day. That is just not possible for us.

 

I agree with Jean. :grouphug:.

 

I am reminded of something someone I went to college once said in regarding "break ups": the more crap you put up with the bitterer you are about the break up.

 

What your SIL is doing is infra dig. I would reply minimally. "I'm so glad you are able to be with X. I can stop by on Y. Would it be helpful for me to bring groceries then?"

 

P.S. hospice nurses are not infallible, and "a few weeks" could be months.

[ma23peas]

Go as often as you see fit, if sil makes any more statements...just remind her gently...message received, thanks for your concern.

 

I can not believe she would miss her dd's graduation and gf's funeral! That is sad. Hospice does not always get it 'right'. We were told by hospice at least 10x that the end was imminent...gmother lived 10 years more...I am sure with liver cancer it will not be long, but choose a time good for your heart...go without dh...I do believe in going sooner than later when she may not remember the visit...say you love her and hold her hand...let all comments by sil fall by the wayside...grieving is a personal path and can not be dictated.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Oi vey, what a guilt trip the SIL has placed on you. Were I in your shoes tell her that your family unit is doing what they feel needs to be done and that's that.

 

:iagree: Stop talking to SIL. She sounds as bad as MIL. Just because someone is dying doesn't erase the years of carp they put you through. If you had all had a different relationship with MIL over the years, you'd all be there. You can't change the past. Don't let them guilt-trip you into doing something insincere.

[melissad2]

SIL sounds very passive aggressive! I couldn't handle it and I would let DH take the lead. Just support him in however he wants to deal with it although I would probably encourage him to spend time with her as he may regret it if he doesn't.

[marbel]

I am sorry you're dealing with this. You don't sound cold to me either. You sound sad, confused, and hurt.

 

But it's your husband's family, so it's up to him to deal with it all. I suggest you talk to him about his expectations for your family's involvement. Then, do as he wants. Have him respond to his manipulative sister. The two of you should probably talk to your kids together and give some explanation about the situation, and why you're doing what you are doing.

 

I'd be screening calls if it was my SIL calling me like that. I'd just tell my husband about the call and to call her back.

 

It's so hard, dealing with difficult in-laws.

Edited June 25, 2012 by marbel

[Zebra]

The bottom line is, you and your DH need to decide how much closure you need with MIL. Your SIL has no place in this decision. You cannot get into the habit of letting your SIL control your life. A family member dying is a very emotionally charged event, but I would just try to step back, take a deep breath, ignore what SIL is saying, and do what I felt needed to be done.

 

:grouphug:

[Zebra]

I would probably encourage him to spend time with her as he may regret it if he doesn't.

 

I think you only regret it if you had a GOOD relationship with someone. If you have a bad relationship with someone(because they were a nightmare), you only mourn the relationship you WISH you had with them.

[nono]

Tell you SIL she can stop competing on this one, because she's already won. She's clocked more hours at MIL's bedside! Congratulate her for her service to MIL, and then tell her as nicely as possible to stop trying to run your family in addition to her own.

 

Yes, I will never win Miss Congeniality in a contest, but my life has zero drama associated with it.

 

As to your visitation schedule, I don't know what I would do. Good luck deciding. :grouphug:

Edited June 25, 2012 by nono

[sahm99]

I don't know what you should do, but I know what I would do.

 

I would tell my family that people deserve to die thinking the world was an alright place and that their relatives weren't such a bad mob. I'd tell them if we can be nice enough in Unpleasant Relative's last days, that relative might well be inspired to be re-born a nicer person. :p I'd tell them I didn't care how insincere they were as long as they performed well and if they needed vast quantities of ice cream to sooth their inevitably frazzled nerves after each performance, I'd buy a tub each. Then I would go as often as I could to cook, clean, smile and quietly tell SIL to shut up and eat more bean dip and chocolate biscuits if she harassed me, while I tutored my kids in how to sound sincere while they provide their grandmother with whatever it is she wants to hear. I'd probably make my kids go once now, so it wouldn't be a fear of the unknown holding them back and because she's been asking for them, but after that I'd play it by ear. I think there are times to tell kids to suck it up and times to let them stay away, but I don't suppose you know which times are which until they are happening. When they went, there would definitely be tutoring and ice cream...

 

But I certainly wouldn't knock you if you did none of the above. You are not being cold. It would serve some people right if they had bean dip dumped over their head.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree:

...wholeheartedly!

 

There are times when my kids' likes or dis-likes just don't matter. JMO

[ereks mom]

I don't know what you should do, but I know what I would do.

 

I would tell my family that people deserve to die thinking the world was an alright place and that their relatives weren't such a bad mob. I'd tell them if we can be nice enough in Unpleasant Relative's last days, that relative might well be inspired to be re-born a nicer person. :p I'd tell them I didn't care how insincere they were as long as they performed well and if they needed vast quantities of ice cream to sooth their inevitably frazzled nerves after each performance, I'd buy a tub each. Then I would go as often as I could to cook, clean, smile and quietly tell SIL to shut up and eat more bean dip and chocolate biscuits if she harassed me, while I tutored my kids in how to sound sincere while they provide their grandmother with whatever it is she wants to hear. I'd probably make my kids go once now, so it wouldn't be a fear of the unknown holding them back and because she's been asking for them, but after that I'd play it by ear. I think there are times to tell kids to suck it up and times to let them stay away, but I don't suppose you know which times are which until they are happening. When they went, there would definitely be tutoring and ice cream...

 

But I certainly wouldn't knock you if you did none of the above. You are not being cold. It would serve some people right if they had bean dip dumped over their head.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree: Well, except for the being re-born part. :D But yes, I think I'd have the kids go once, well-tutored and bribed with ice cream, and then play it by ear after that. You have SIL to deal with after all of this is over, and you can do what you have to then.

[G5052]

I think you only regret it if you had a GOOD relationship with someone. If you have a bad relationship with someone(because they were a nightmare), you only mourn the relationship you WISH you had with them.

 

I didn't go when my N-relative was dying because it had been nothing but ugliness for years and years, and there was virtually nil chance of "making it right" because of their mental state. For me, being rejected at the end would be yet more pain. They received attentive care from professionals and had a sibling and a frield with them in the last hour. Thankfully those involved respected my choice.

 

It's the old story though -- weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. I would keep my distance and prepare for ongoing drama.

[Chris in VA]

It sounds like SIL is dealing with her own "shoulds" about the way death in the family happens. It sounds like she is trying to place her vision of the end of life onto the situation. It probably feels right to her because it's what SHE wants at the end of her life--surrounded by family, maybe some memories relived and last bits of true wisdom shared...love, love, love...

 

Yeah, wouldn't it be nice.

 

Her experience with her mil is not the same as yours. Heck, her experience with her own mom is probably vastly different than your dh's. (Let's be kind and hope so.)

In fact, she's probably thinking about her mom's death, and how she wants that to be, if she still has her around.

 

There's a feeling that we get what we deserve, and your mil certainly doesn't deserve to get the above scenario. She didn't earn it. It's a natural consequence of her horrid behaviour that your dh and his family don't want to make her last days Walton-worthy.

 

But hold on here--you have to balance what bad she did with what you all bring to the table. Showing love, the love all people deserve despite behaviour, is always tricky. Setting and keeping boundaries, the boundaries (in abuse, esp) that keep you sane when the person is still capable of inflicting pain, seems to be a necessary thing; a loving example of health set for those who have to deal with the abuser.

I have not walked in your shoes. IMO, though, here you have an opportunity to show that you can have great boundaries and still be compassionate and kind. You can show loving, gentle and grace-filled behaviour to someone because of the internal boundary you set--mine is, "I will not allow your crappy behaviour to change who I am inside. I will behave in a loving and kind way because I do not want to give you the power to make me choose to behave in a way I am not proud of or will regret."

 

You have to decide what your internal boundary is. You have to remember you are an example to your children, to your sil, to your mil, even.

 

Oh honey, that's so very hard. :grouphug:

 

Whatever you do, YOU do. Your hubby has to decide what to do for himself. Perhaps your kindness to his mother, to whom the wounds of the past have made it nearly impossible for him to be that sort of kind, will go far to heal his wound.

[TammyS]

There are many different issues here. The first is the SIL. I would just tell her flatly that she needs to mind her how business. Period. End of story. And I probably wouldn't be nice about it, either. I hate controlling busybodies.

 

The second is how you and your husband as a couple handle his mother's dying. I would talk with your husband, privately, about how he truly feels about things, and let him know it's ok to want to see her even though things have been awful up to this point. The death of a parent is complicated, emotionally, and even more so when the relationship has been bad. He may need to see her, just so that he knows he did what he could and has no regrets later.

 

This children seeing MIL is even more complicated. If she hasn't been brutal to them, you might consider urging, but not adamantly requiring, your children to see her one time. Give them some emotional support and let them know you are going to provide a boundary for them, so that if they are mistreated at any time during the visit, they can go. But I would urge them to go at least once, because dying does require some amount of charity on the part of the rest of us. What if their grandmother had a death-bed change of heart? It would be terrible to deny her and them the opportunity. After the one time, I would leave it up to your judgement and your kid's desire whether they see her again or not, depending on how the one visit went. Again, at the very least you and the children can have the knowledge that you did what you could. You don't have to carry regrets for the rest of your life about not making that last visit.

[Impish]

Too many ppl w/narcisstic mothers have shared that attending their dying bedside was simply a time for the NM to hurt them one last time.

 

I'd simply follow dh's lead. I know that when it comes to dealing w/our nutbunny mothers and extended family, Wolf and I have a simple standard we go by.

 

"What do you need to do to be ok w/the person in the mirror?" That's our guideline. I think that perhaps you could suggest the same or similar to your dh, and tell him no matter his decision, you'll be there, supporting him. I'd also tell him that if he needs to change his mind at any time, that's ok too.

 

Everyone deals w/these situations differently.

 

For me, I've been mourning the loss of a mother my entire life. When she actually dies, I don't see it having an emotional impact on me. I won't be attending any death bed visits either.

[Impish]

There are many different issues here. The first is the SIL. I would just tell her flatly that she needs to mind her how business. Period. End of story. And I probably wouldn't be nice about it, either. I hate controlling busybodies.

 

The second is how you and your husband as a couple handle his mother's dying. I would talk with your husband, privately, about how he truly feels about things, and let him know it's ok to want to see her even though things have been awful up to this point. The death of a parent is complicated, emotionally, and even more so when the relationship has been bad. He may need to see her, just so that he knows he did what he could and has no regrets later.

 

This children seeing MIL is even more complicated. If she hasn't been brutal to them, you might consider urging, but not adamantly requiring, your children to see her one time. Give them some emotional support and let them know you are going to provide a boundary for them, so that if they are mistreated at any time during the visit, they can go. But I would urge them to go at least once, because dying does require some amount of charity on the part of the rest of us. What if their grandmother had a death-bed change of heart? It would be terrible to deny her and them the opportunity. After the one time, I would leave it up to your judgement and your kid's desire whether they see her again or not, depending on how the one visit went. Again, at the very least you and the children can have the knowledge that you did what you could. You don't have to carry regrets for the rest of your life about not making that last visit.

You're assuming that a last visit would be a loving moment. I'm in another group w/ppl who've grown up w/a narcisstic parent, and I don't think I've heard yet of a positive experience in this situation. The ones I've heard of, the last visit was used to inflict more pain, guilt, manipulation.

 

That's the reality too many experience when dealing w/NPD.

 

They have regret, but it's for allowing one more hurt to be inflicted, for taking the chance of showing up.

 

Just b/c someone is dying doesn't mean they're suddenly going to be kind, pleasant, or anything positive.

[pdalley]

You're assuming that a last visit would be a loving moment. I'm in another group w/ppl who've grown up w/a narcisstic parent, and I don't think I've heard yet of a positive experience in this situation. The ones I've heard of, the last visit was used to inflict more pain, guilt, manipulation.

 

That's the reality too many experience when dealing w/NPD.

 

They have regret, but it's for allowing one more hurt to be inflicted, for taking the chance of showing up.

 

Just b/c someone is dying doesn't mean they're suddenly going to be kind, pleasant, or anything positive.

 

 

My mother used the last six months of her life to inflict as much damage as possible. She said the most horrid things 'You really don't think those kids of yours are going to be functioning adults, do you?' If you got mad about anything she said then you were being hateful to the woman with cancer.

 

My brother and I got through it mainly because of our grandmother. It was her daughter and we took care of her because we love - and were adored - by her.

 

My brother still hears her voice in his head telling him what he screwed up.

 

Your husband needs to decide what he can or can't live with. Your SIL sounds ready to pick up when MIL left off. As for our kids, we told them what was going on and followed their lead.

 

I feel sorry that my mother spent her life the way she did. I cannot tell you I am upset she is gone. It was a vast relief. My grandmother dying three months later was the horrible part and my brother and I gladly spent every moment we could taking care of her as she had taken care of us all her life.

 

Just contrasting how the two deaths - both cancer related - were so completely different.

 

:grouphug:

[DusksAngel]

You're assuming that a last visit would be a loving moment. I'm in another group w/ppl who've grown up w/a narcisstic parent, and I don't think I've heard yet of a positive experience in this situation. The ones I've heard of, the last visit was used to inflict more pain, guilt, manipulation.

 

That's the reality too many experience when dealing w/NPD.

 

They have regret, but it's for allowing one more hurt to be inflicted, for taking the chance of showing up.

 

Just b/c someone is dying doesn't mean they're suddenly going to be kind, pleasant, or anything positive.

 

The OP mentioned that Grandma doesn't treat her children well, so why should Grandma get one more chance to be abusive? A manipulative mean person having a death bed change of heart makes a great story, but rarely happens in real life, at least not in my experience.

 

 

[Ferdie]

I don't know what you should do, but I know what I would do.

 

I would tell my family that people deserve to die thinking the world was an alright place and that their relatives weren't such a bad mob. I'd tell them if we can be nice enough in Unpleasant Relative's last days, that relative might well be inspired to be re-born a nicer person. :p I'd tell them I didn't care how insincere they were as long as they performed well and if they needed vast quantities of ice cream to sooth their inevitably frazzled nerves after each performance, I'd buy a tub each. Then I would go as often as I could to cook, clean, smile and quietly tell SIL to shut up and eat more bean dip and chocolate biscuits if she harassed me, while I tutored my kids in how to sound sincere while they provide their grandmother with whatever it is she wants to hear. I'd probably make my kids go once now, so it wouldn't be a fear of the unknown holding them back and because she's been asking for them, but after that I'd play it by ear. I think there are times to tell kids to suck it up and times to let them stay away, but I don't suppose you know which times are which until they are happening. When they went, there would definitely be tutoring and ice cream...

 

But I certainly wouldn't knock you if you did none of the above. You are not being cold. It would serve some people right if they had bean dip dumped over their head.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree: You can have your children serve by cleaning, cooking and making cards/letters for her while at her house. You don't have to be in the same room with her to support her and be there for her. Also do you have to engage with SIL? I say a polite hello and hand the phone to my dh when my SIL calls.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Ferdie

[PrincessMommy]

My mother used the last six months of her life to inflict as much damage as possible. She said the most horrid things 'You really don't think those kids of yours are going to be functioning adults, do you?' If you got mad about anything she said then you were being hateful to the woman with cancer.

 

My brother and I got through it mainly because of our grandmother. It was her daughter and we took care of her because we love - and were adored - by her.

 

My brother still hears her voice in his head telling him what he screwed up.

 

Your husband needs to decide what he can or can't live with. Your SIL sounds ready to pick up when MIL left off. As for our kids, we told them what was going on and followed their lead.

 

I feel sorry that my mother spent her life the way she did. I cannot tell you I am upset she is gone. It was a vast relief. My grandmother dying three months later was the horrible part and my brother and I gladly spent every moment we could taking care of her as she had taken care of us all her life.

 

Just contrasting how the two deaths - both cancer related - were so completely different.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like your bil married his mother.

 

As to other advice. I have no experience with narcissistic personality and I would take the advice of those who have BTDT.

[labst60]

Kind of OT - and a little cynical - and I only read through the 1st page... BUT

 

I find it VERY strange that SIL and BIL "moved into the house". Someone is staying with her or they "moved in?"

 

My honest take on this is that BIL/SIL "moved into the house" to stake claim to the asset after MIL is gone. Now SIL is pressing the issue that they "have such a better relationship with MIL" and they were "there for MIL", so they should get the house/contents. And if SIL can push you over the edge - and actually cause you to flip on her - it just justifiies her case even more.

 

I could be waaaaay off base - but that was my honest take on the situation given my crazy family/IL background.

 

FWIW, I would have the conversation with my DH that he needs to do what he is going to be comfortable with next month /next year/ the rest of his life. I'd have it non -accusatory - in a helpful way - and let it be up to him. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions, so I think you are right to not "make him".

 

I really feel like SIL is positioning herself for the house by pressing the issue... because if "family" was so important to her, who the heck walks out Christmas because they were sitting alone.... only someone childish and manipulative, that's who.... grownups let it go...

[bbmom]

Kind of OT - and a little cynical - and I only read through the 1st page... BUT

 

I find it VERY strange that SIL and BIL "moved into the house". Someone is staying with her or they "moved in?"

 

My honest take on this is that BIL/SIL "moved into the house" to stake claim to the asset after MIL is gone. Now SIL is pressing the issue that they "have such a better relationship with MIL" and they were "there for MIL", so they should get the house/contents. And if SIL can push you over the edge - and actually cause you to flip on her - it just justifiies her case even more.

 

I could be waaaaay off base - but that was my honest take on the situation given my crazy family/IL background.

 

FWIW, I would have the conversation with my DH that he needs to do what he is going to be comfortable with next month /next year/ the rest of his life. I'd have it non -accusatory - in a helpful way - and let it be up to him. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions, so I think you are right to not "make him".

 

I really feel like SIL is positioning herself for the house by pressing the issue... because if "family" was so important to her, who the heck walks out Christmas because they were sitting alone.... only someone childish and manipulative, that's who.... grownups let it go...

 

:iagree: with this and the statement that is sounds like SIL is almost as bad as your MIL. I would also follow your dh's lead on this, perhaps having your children make cards to deliver along with a favorite (or requested) treat or flowers for MIL and perhaps a meal for BIL/SIL and family, but would not put myself/my kids in a position to be hurt again. If my dh wanted us all to go, I would probably do what was suggested upthread and bribe everyone with ice cream/treats, but that would be only if my dh wanted it-I would surely not do it for the SIL who 'doesn't feel comfortable in your house' despite all apologies and evidence to the contrary. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug:

Support your dh and children, because they need you and ignore the guilt dished out from family.

 

Death isn't easy; hospice doesn't have a magic death calendar.

 

Narcissist are wound that way to the end. God can change them, but you can't.

[jujsky]

No, you aren't being cold. You are not ignoring your MIL. Different ones of you are going over there as you are able. SIL seems to be taking over for you MIL in the manipulation department. I don't know what to say to her, really. At some point you might need to just say "Stop trying to guilt us into what you want us to do", but it might be better since your MIL has so little time to just pass the bean dip for the time being.

 

:iagree: I don't think your MIL is the only narcissist in the family! Your family is doing what you can. If you were that bad, you never would have invited MIL to live with you. As for you DH, it's his mom, so as you said, you can't force him. I might gently encourage him to spend some more time with her because once she's gone, he can't get that time back, but you can't force him. He needs to find peace in his relationship with her his own way.

[Laurie4b]

Stray thought: It's pretty common marry a person who is like a parent we had conflict with if that conflict is not resolved. So if bil married a woman like his mother, it would make sense.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Zebra]

Kind of OT - and a little cynical - and I only read through the 1st page... BUT

 

I find it VERY strange that SIL and BIL "moved into the house". Someone is staying with her or they "moved in?"

 

My honest take on this is that BIL/SIL "moved into the house" to stake claim to the asset after MIL is gone. Now SIL is pressing the issue that they "have such a better relationship with MIL" and they were "there for MIL", so they should get the house/contents. And if SIL can push you over the edge - and actually cause you to flip on her - it just justifiies her case even more.

 

I could be waaaaay off base - but that was my honest take on the situation given my crazy family/IL background.

 

FWIW, I would have the conversation with my DH that he needs to do what he is going to be comfortable with next month /next year/ the rest of his life. I'd have it non -accusatory - in a helpful way - and let it be up to him. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions, so I think you are right to not "make him".

 

I really feel like SIL is positioning herself for the house by pressing the issue... because if "family" was so important to her, who the heck walks out Christmas because they were sitting alone.... only someone childish and manipulative, that's who.... grownups let it go...

 

EXCELLENT POINT! Now it all makes sense. SIL isn't actually worried about MIL, she's worried about herself. If she tells you how much she's done, and then you don't visit...well you don't deserve the house. You're being set up.

 

Classic!

[TammyS]

You're assuming that a last visit would be a loving moment. I'm in another group w/ppl who've grown up w/a narcisstic parent, and I don't think I've heard yet of a positive experience in this situation. The ones I've heard of, the last visit was used to inflict more pain, guilt, manipulation.

 

That's the reality too many experience when dealing w/NPD.

 

They have regret, but it's for allowing one more hurt to be inflicted, for taking the chance of showing up.

 

Just b/c someone is dying doesn't mean they're suddenly going to be kind, pleasant, or anything positive.

 

I grew up with a completely narcissistic mother. I get what you are saying. But I am not assuming it will be a positive experience. What I am assuming is that the pain of a last bad experience will be less than the pain of wondering if they wasted a final chance to heal that they will never get back.

[mykdsmomy]

Wow, thank you all for the great replies! I wanted to multi quote everyone but obviously that isn't practical ;)

 

I like the overriding theme that I (we) need to do what we are going to be able to live with and not have regrets.

 

I spoke with dh this morning and he wants to spend more time with her just because he feels like it's the right thing to do.....however, he refuses to let sil dictate (or guilt) us into anything.

 

MIL rents her house so bil and sil aren't moving in to stake a claim in the estate.....but they are trying to lay claim to martyrdom for sure!

 

Oh I forgot to mention in the op that while sil was lecturing me on family values, her littlest one (3) came out and was calling "mommmyyyy". Sil says "go away, you don't have one (mommy)". :confused:

[MomatHWTK]

I like the overriding theme that I (we) need to do what we are going to be able to live with and not have regrets.

 

I spoke with dh this morning and he wants to spend more time with her just because he feels like it's the right thing to do.....however, he refuses to let sil dictate (or guilt) us into anything.

 

 

 

Excellent plan. :grouphug:

[Impish]

SIL sounds...delightful. :001_huh:

[NorthwestMom]

Wow, thank you all for the great replies! I wanted to multi quote everyone but obviously that isn't practical ;)

 

I like the overriding theme that I (we) need to do what we are going to be able to live with and not have regrets.

 

I spoke with dh this morning and he wants to spend more time with her just because he feels like it's the right thing to do.....however, he refuses to let sil dictate (or guilt) us into anything.

 

MIL rents her house so bil and sil aren't moving in to stake a claim in the estate.....but they are trying to lay claim to martyrdom for sure!

 

 

 

I think this is a REALLY healthy position. I am sorry your DH has to go through this.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: there are things you and yours can do that would show caring but minimize damage.

 

eg. go over early one morning and plant mil favorite flowers where she can see them from her bedroom, or wherever she sits. put an extra one in an indoor pot and leave it on the doorstep with a note. (my father taught me this with his mom, and regardless of what she said, others commented and were glad of the color and brightness)

 

cook dinner and have dh take it over..... or breakfast. your nieces and nephews might love a surprise breakfast of french toast sticks.

 

you could call from the grocery store and say "i'm at albertson's. is there anything you'd like me to get for you? i can drop it off on my way home". then you can't stay because you have your groceries in your car, but you can stop in, say hi, and leave in five minutes or less.

 

another thing to offer might be to offer to dsil that you come over and sit with dmil while dsil goes off and has some alone time outside the house, or does grocery shopping or whatever she'd like to have done.

 

or see if dmil would like a manicurist to come to the house and do her nails, and dsil's and yours. narcissists sometimes behave better in front of non family witnesses....

 

and even if they don't appreciate any of it, you will know you did several kindnesses.....

 

:grouphug: (i'm with rosie on this one, as usual;). its about who you are and how you treat someone who is dying, not about who or how they are.... although tailoring it to minimize damage is important. my dmil is NPD, and we did move into her house while her dh was dying, and it was very, very hard. dh is the black sheep, yet was the one who stayed with his dad each and every day. i think it worked because he was the only sibling who long ago had stopped trying to please her. i hid in the upstairs bedroom, took dc on outings, shopped, planted, visited with dfil as he was able, and encountered dmil as necessary. we'd do it again in a heartbeat.)

[RanchGirl]

Honestly, it sounds like your SIL would be impossible to please anyway. She will always find something wrong.

 

:iagree: I would completely disengage with her, not even answer her calls. She walked out on your family Christmas but feels it is her place to call you and lecture you on etiquette and loyalty? No thanks. Where did she get the idea that was allowed? You don't have to listen to that kind of carp from anyone, much less her.

 

Also agree with elfgivas' suggestion about trying to bring a third party -- someone completely unrelated, to decrease, deflect or at least dilute MIL's negative behaviors.

 

Sounds like you have

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

 

I have to agree with Jean. I wouldn't put much into your sil's words. She might mean well, but she sounds like she's guilt tripping you.

[VeritasMama]

I agree with your position that you need to do whatever you can do to make sure you have no regrets and are proud of your own behavior. Other people's behavior causes us grief, but it should never be the cause for our own behavior. We need to do the right thing regardless of how others are treating us, because at the end of the day we need to look at ourselves in the mirror. Good luck, I hope your family can find some healing during this difficult time.