How would you interpret a closed door?

[AuntPol]

We recently hosted a birthday party. Because we had a theft last year during a birthday party, I closed all the bedroom doors on the second floor. I assumed that it is universal not to go through a closed door (especially by the time you are 11-14-I can see really young children not knowing) in someone's house.

 

However, we did have girls go into the bedrooms (and some crawled into my daughter's bed and starting reading her magazines and another tore up one of her posters and spread it on the floor). When I mentioned this to a friend, she asked if I specifically told the girls not to go into the bedrooms. She said her child would not have known that a closed door meant stay out because they shut their animals up in the rooms during parties. (We do too -but wouldn't that mean you don't want the door opened and the animal getting out????).

 

Anyway, am I out of touch? Is this something that one needs to spell out each time you have people come over to your house?

[kewb]

You should not have to tell an 11-14 year old that a closed door means stay out. However, the reality is, you do have to say it. And even saying it no longer means that they will obey the rules of the house.

[QueenCat]

I'd assume that it meant "don't go in", with the exception of bathrooms as some people keep their bathroom doors closed all the time, regardless of whether or not someone is in the bathroom.

[KatieJ]

We had adults going thru bedrooms during an outside party.

I am sure they started out using coming in to use the bathroom, but were found down the hall later by my DD.

 

:glare:

[SJ.]

I think a closed door in someone else's house communicates that area is off limits. Young children should be told what you expect out of them so I feel telling them that they should stay in xyz areas and stay out of xyz areas would be appropriate. When we have young guests I also express to my children where they are and are not allowed to play.

 

I am not sure about older children. I'd like to believe that a preteen and a teen would know not to go into shut doors at someone else's house.

[Cassy]

I would hope that if I were to close a bedroom door, then people would keep out. I don't really remember what I would have done at age 11-14 (it was a long, long time ago). Maybe it would be worth spelling it out. We still have large stair-gates at the bottom and top of our staircase from when DS5 was a baby, which we have closed during parties when we didn't want people going upstairs and into bedrooms.

[Tabrett]

With 11-14 yo's I would always tell them not to go in there. Maybe several times;).

 

No excuse for the poster being torn up:glare:.

[Butter]

A closed door means don't go in. My 5, 10, and 12 year olds know that and follow it absolutely. Even my 3 year old is learning it. Most of the time he knocks on a closed door and if no one answers he doesn't open it.

 

Even more than the closed door, I am boggled that a pre-teen/teen would no only go into a room with a closed door, but get in someone's bed, read their magazines, and destroy their property. That's just crazy.

[NanceXToo]

I think MY 11 y/o would follow the lead of the kids who lived in the house. She would never just open a door and just walk into a bedroom but if the kid who lived there led or invited her in she would follow.

[black_midori]

With 11-14 yo's I would always tell them not to go in there. Maybe several times;).

 

No excuse for the poster being torn up:glare:.

 

:iagree:

AND I would keep an eye on them to make sure there is no "weirdness" going on. It would be good to keep a general track of where they are, also! Our place is very big, so this can be hard - but the more kids there are (and the less trustworthy, depending on the kid) the more specific my rules & the more I tend to track things.

 

I once had a number of friends & their kids over for a bday party and one of the oldest of the group (12yo boy) chose to wander off into the garage and use my dh's drill to drill into our garage wall (VERY close to an outlet, btw). I keep a much closer eye out, nowadays, and spell the rules out over & over every single time! :) "NO garage, NO tools, NO kids wandering by themselves", etc.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think a closed door in someone else's house communicates that area is off limits. Young children should be told what you expect out of them so I feel telling them that they should stay in xyz areas and stay out of xyz areas would be appropriate. When we have young guests I also express to my children where they are and are not allowed to play.

 

I am not sure about older children. I'd like to believe that a preteen and a teen would know not to go into shut doors at someone else's house.

 

:iagree:

 

And even if they thought that it was ok to go in there, there is absolutely no excuse for damaging any of your dd's things.

[LostSurprise]

To me (and many people) that's an unspoken, agreed upon boundary.

 

Not all families have bedroom or even 'guest in a strange house' boundaries.

 

Not all families bother to have boundaries of any kind.

 

Anyway, now you know. It feels rude but you're speaking (and reminding) for those who have no inner monologue for that kind of stuff.

 

Worse, there are kids who no matter how many times you say it will STILL do it. :glare: Then you have assign a babysitter for them.

[Mélie]

My 4 and 5 year olds would know not to go into people's bedrooms unless they were specifically invited in to play or something. If the door was closed, there's no way they'd go in.

 

At 11-14, I'd say they had a good idea that they weren't supposed to be going through bedrooms. If they were used to going over and hanging out in your daughter's room, I can kind of see how they'd think it was okay to go in there. But, I can't imagine that they'd think it was okay to rip up her posters? :confused:

[Annie G]

Considering how they behaved AFTER they went through the closed door, I really don't think telling them not to enter closed rooms would have made a difference. Kids who crawl into someone's bed and rifle through other friends' things probably won't respect boundaries whether you clearly state them or not.

 

You had a theft DURING a party at your home last year? Yikes!!

[Miss Marple]

My boys would not enter unless invited by the host family. HOWEVER...I have hosted a LOT of functions and have found that teens will freely enter any room (esp. those in the 11-15 age range) if they think it has something interesting in it ...or not. ARGH!

 

The last function I had, 2 boys were found in my ds's room - everyone else was outside enjoying the movie. My oldest son found them and sent them out of the room. I specifically asked the kids to stay downstairs because we are getting ready for the wedding (here at the house) and I had piles of various things that were sorted to be used or put away. They didn't heed...have no idea why they were in the room. Honestly I thought the worst of those boys - not sure what I was supposed to think - but my son had some money in this same room several months ago that disappeared after we hosted a party :( So I'm a little overly sensitive maybe.

 

For the wedding I will have a rope across the bottom of the staircase with a sign indicating that only the wedding party is welcome upstairs. I hope that works...but I'm not betting on it. I'm sure these boys have been taught manners, but I think their desire to go into the room trumped the manners :p

[LizzyBee]

Closed doors mean don't go in. We've had so many problems with this in our Sunday School group that many people refuse to host socials that include children. One girl even tried to find the key when a hostess LOCKED a bedroom door and told the kids they were not allowed in the room.

[Tammyla]

I've always understood it to mean...the room is off limits & don't come in.

[thesmileofGod]

I don't think that you should have to tell someone that a closed door means a room is off limits but the reality is that you do ime. I've actually had to start locking doors to rooms that are off limits and even then one was opened :glare:(I kept the key on the top of the door frame). I started locking the doors when after one party all of our toothbrushes went missing:001_huh:. We didn't realize it until we were trying to get ready for bed after the last guests left and I had to run out to Rite Aid to get new ones. I did find the toothbrushes probably a month later at the bottom of one of my dresser drawers under a ton of sweaters. These are family parties but I do have a bunch of mischievious nephews. Gina

 

Current read aloud: The Storm

[mommymilkies]

A closed door means don't go in. My 5, 10, and 12 year olds know that and follow it absolutely. Even my 3 year old is learning it. Most of the time he knocks on a closed door and if no one answers he doesn't open it.

 

Even more than the closed door, I am boggled that a pre-teen/teen would no only go into a room with a closed door, but get in someone's bed, read their magazines, and destroy their property. That's just crazy.

:iagree: Those people would not be invited back to my house!

[susankenny]

I would assume a closed door meant "do not enter". If it was a party for a tween/teen, I would have put signs on the door. Kids can be ...uh...well...:tongue_smilie: ...if you can't say something nice...

 

 

Susan

[Mommyof4ks]

Some parents just do not teach their kids this stuff, so I would lock the doors to the bedrooms. We have done that once when I knew some kids were coming over that are known for ransacking rooms. It seems silly to have to teach kids that at 11-14, but it is the world we live in.

[AHASRADA]

We specifically bought new doorknobs with keyed locks for dc's bedrooms when dbil and dsil were planning to stay in our home with their 3 dc when we weren't home. Granted they were only 5, 8 and 10, but we knew their parents wouldn't enforce any boundaries, lecture them on respecting our dc's stuff etc., so we took our own precautions.

 

It's actually a fairly inexpensive solution to these unfortunate situations.

[justamouse]

It means Do Not Enter. Kind of in the universal language, no?

 

Sorry you had to deal with that.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

that must feel awful!

 

you've had some good suggestions. in light of what happened, if you decide not to put locks on the bedroom doors, then i'd explain to dc that from now on, we can only have as many folks over as i can keep track of, and that they are the hosts for their parties, and need to invite kids they can count on to behave well, AND that they must keep track of them, too.

 

and given that i have to keep track of them, that means i'm not doing anything other than being a party hostess, and the party will be shorter, because i can only be hyper alert for a couple of hours or so... stationing dh with a book in the upstairs hallway might work well, too.... and at least here, he'd be glad to be out of the chaos.

 

flip side - maybe its time for new friends....

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

eta: some folks don't know better, some folks don't think it applies to them, some folks want to flaunt the rules..... many folks have boundary issues...

Edited June 4, 2012 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[Harriet Vane]

A closed door means people should not go in.

 

However, I have had problems with people snooping around anyway. I now boobytrap my closed doors by placing a large, filled laundry basket as close to the door as I can manage (reaching through as I am pulling the door shut, pulling the basket close to the door). That way when someone opens the door, it bangs the laundry basket and they get spooked and do not go in. :tongue_smilie:

[Walking-Iris]

Closed doors definitely mean "do not enter" for kids or adults. I don't like guests, kids or adults, in my bedroom unless specifically allowed. I try to always close a door when we have guests over. My kids also know that when we are visiting they should not go into the adult's bedroom. Depending on layout of house it doesn't always work to close doors or to avoid a bedroom. I've had kids over that didn't understand about the closed door and I just gently say something like "let's not play here, thanks" if they wander in there.

[LaxMom]

Per my 11yo: if she goes to someone's house and a door is closed, it means she is not to go into that room unless invited to do so by her hosts. She thought the magazine thing was pretty funny (shocked funny), the poster ripping, not.cool.at.all.

 

Per my 7yos: "we're not allowed in" if doors are closed.

 

Here, they all knock, but they live here.

[gardenmom5]

if these girls climbed in your daughter's beds, read their magazines, tore up posters, etc. - explicitly TELLING them a closed door meant a room was off limits and they were expected to *stay out* probably wouldn't be respected. (I know adults who'd do that sort of thing and only be embarassed if they got caught.)

 

I must ask - does your daughter still consider those girls who did these things her friends? 'cause they'd never be invited to my house again.

[Catwoman]

Closed Door = KEEP OUT

 

And I'd find out who tore up the poster and tell her mother that I expected her to replace it or pay for it. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior, and it certainly isn't the action of a "friend."

 

Honestly, I think your dd might be well served by looking for some new friends, because her current ones certainly don't seem to think much of her, if they behaved as they did at her party. I don't think any of the things you mentioned are at all acceptable -- and are absolutely not "pretty funny."

[houseofkids&pets]

When I asked my dd12 about this, she said that a closed door means don't enter. I have never had any specific conversation about that with her, so I asked her how she would know that. Her response was it would not be appropriate to go into someone's room if the door is closed. She also would not wander upstairs during a party. We are maybe too "loose" when it comes to boundaries in our own home, but I do expect my children to respect the property of others.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. I guess you had to learn through this experience that you have to explicitly state what is/is not off limits with this group of kids.

 

BTW, ripping the poster?? That is not a nice friend.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Worse, there are kids who no matter how many times you say it will STILL do it. :glare: Then you have assign a babysitter for them.

 

I won't have kids in my house that I have to babysit. My youngest is 8, I'm through with babying kids. We simply wouldn't have children over a second time if they acted that way.

 

 

I must ask - does your daughter still consider those girls who did these things her friends? 'cause they'd never be invited to my house again.

 

:iagree:

 

I think I'd skip wondering if I was at fault here for not clarifying that the closed door meant do not enter. What these girls did once they got inside goes from weird (reading in bed) to outright disrespect(ripping a poster). It isn't like they got caught in there just looking around. We'd have no more birthday parties at home (theft, destruction of property, and something slightly icky about lying in someone's bed but I can't think of a technical name...) and those girls wouldn't be invited to any more parties, no matter where they were held. Your DD deserves better friends.

[Unicorn.]

My 15 yo just said "You don't go in", so not everyone's children are as rude as the teens at your party. I think it's common sense that you don't go in a door that's closed. Unfortunately, I do think it needs to be announced, either by you, or by your dc. (but i also think you shouldn't have to. :glare: )

[catz]

I wouldn't go through a closed door and I don't think my children would either. But I guess I wouldn't expect other kids to hold to the same standard in their houses that we do and I would definitely make an announcement about it. I do think destruction of property is WAY over the top, but wouldn't necessarily be overly stressed out by it. I would make it more clear at my next party. If an adult crossed this line, I would be shocked.

[Julie Smith]

I just asked my newly eight year old boy.

 

He said you should not go in, even if the door is open unless it is the living room or kitchen, oh and bathroom.

[Pegasus]

you should not go in, even if the door is open unless it is the living room or kitchen, oh and bathroom.

 

Exactly! I don't understand all the "closed door as a boundary" posts. The ONLY rooms a guest should go into are the rooms the host/hostess are in or ones they specifically tell them to use (e.g., nearest bathroom). I wouldn't dream that an open door in a friend's house means I can just stroll in there.

[phathui5]

Closed door = knock.

[Tree House Academy]

Of course if the door is closed, you are not supposed to go in. However, obviously that was not enough for this particular group.

 

Next time, I would A. Invite closer friends who respect your dd and your home and B. rig the closed door knobs with electricity and shock the he*& out of the next kid that tries to go in the door. :DHaha. Okay, maybe not the last one, but it was an amusing thought. Unfortunately, if it were ME rigging the door knobs at my house, I would likely be the one who stuck my hand on it and shocked myself. :tongue_smilie:

[black_midori]

I don't suppose the one sitting on the bed reading didn't feel good? I can almost picture a friend just telling her to run up & lie down on the bed for awhile until she felt better... and then once there flipping through a magazine while you chilled.

 

No excuse for ripping a poster up, of course!

[AdventureMoms]

Wait... they ripped up a poster, and you're wondering about the closed door? Would it be ok to go rip up posters if the door was open? Do you think they would have not ripped up the poster if you had explicitly said "don't rip posters"?

 

Clearly there is a specific issue with these children. I could see how some kids might not know not to go into a room with a closed door (though it is common sense to me), but I can't see how anyone could possibly think "gee it would totally be fine to just destroy that poster over there!"

[KungFuPanda]

You guys are gracious hosts. I don't even let people upstairs unless they are overnight guests.

[AuntPol]

I don't suppose the one sitting on the bed reading didn't feel good? I can almost picture a friend just telling her to run up & lie down on the bed for awhile until she felt better... and then once there flipping through a magazine while you chilled.

 

No excuse for ripping a poster up, of course!

 

No sickness. It was weird. The magazines were not in plain site either. Then when my daughter discovered them, she had to tell them to get out of her room multiple times!

 

It was only one child that destroyed the poster. I have no idea why other than she didn't like Justin Bieber? That boggles my mind.

 

All the girls in the room are nice, sweet, religious homeschooled girls with nice, conservative parents (I tend to be the more bohemian one of the group lol). They are not the ones I would think about watching. Perhaps it's a sign that they feel really comfortable in my house lol?

 

I find the whole thing weird because I have childhood friends who I spent the night with many times and sometimes practically lived in their houses yet I never ever saw the bedrooms of the parents or other siblings. Heck I have a friend who shared a room with a sibling so only had slumber parties in her living room so I never saw her room.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I would not enter a room in someone's house if the door were shut.

[katilac]

It would never occur to me that I might have to spell that out for 11-15 yr olds. A guest who wanders the house and enters closed rooms is showing a complete lack of home training.

 

I would have rained down hammers on the girl who ripped the poster, and informed her that a replacement was expected. I would be nice but firm with anyone who was in the room reading a magazine, the FIRST time, but if dd had to tell them more than once, I would have been pretty mad and snarky. "Are you ignoring the rules of my house on purpose, or did you not understand dd when she told you to stay out of the bedrooms? Can I explain that for you in further detail, dear?"

 

If you're nice enough to have them back, you need to be very clear about your expectations. We have kids over all the time, and that would boggle. my. mind!

[Parrothead]

It would never occur to me that I might have to spell that out for 11-15 yr olds. A guest who wanders the house and enters closed rooms is showing a complete lack of home training.

 

 

:iagree:

[ssavings]

That is so odd.

 

And, yes, closed door means don't go in. My 5 year old understands this (I just asked her), so I'd certainly expect older kids to understand it.

[Onceuponatime]

To me (and many people) that's an unspoken, agreed upon boundary.

 

Not all families have bedroom or even 'guest in a strange house' boundaries.

 

Not all families bother to have boundaries of any kind.

 

Anyway, now you know. It feels rude but you're speaking (and reminding) for those who have no inner monologue for that kind of stuff.

 

Worse, there are kids who no matter how many times you say it will STILL do it. :glare: Then you have assign a babysitter for them.

 

:iagree:

 

I think this is becoming more and more common. Parents are not thinking about the need to teach boundaries and respect of personal property to their kids, or they don't see the "big deal." I think it's one symptom of our modern society.

 

My mother has given me an earful about this lately. A young family member and his wife have literally told her that they allow their toddler to go wherever he wants and handle whatever he wants in their house and they expect her to allow it in her home.

 

In the past, my kids have been in tears because young guests have told them that it was their duty as a good host to let the guests play with any possession, even their most specially prized ones.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Onceuponatime

[ereks mom]

You should not have to tell an 11-14 year old that a closed door means stay out. However, the reality is, you do have to say it. And even saying it no longer means that they will obey the rules of the house.

 

:iagree: