Night Elf Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Say you know someone whose live-in boyfriend just packs up and leaves one day. There is no anger or fighting. He's just unhappy because living in a different state from his family and friends is making him sad. He swears he loves his girlfriend but he believes she would be better off without him. The girlfriend is absolutely devastated. Fast forward five months. Ex-boyfriend gets back in touch and apologizes profusely, feeling that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He doesn't pressure the girlfriend into anything but wants her to know how horrid he has felt since the breakup and he knows he walked out on the best thing that ever happened to him. He blames his friends for driving a wedge between them because they were angry that he left and they kept talking to him telling him that he was unhappy because of the girl. He has made changes in his life such as no more gaming (which he did all the time) and working hard and saving money. He admits he would happily move back to be with her and that he would have a whole new attitude. He is thinking of marriage and family, something that freaked him out five months ago. He also understands if she has no desire to put herself into that position again. He wants to remain friends at the very least. So now the girl can't stop thinking about the boy. She admits she hasn't gotten over him. She is dating someone new who is really nice and is just very different from the ex-boyfriend. She's conflicted though. She likes this new guy but she isn't sure she will ever be able to fully committ to him if she doesn't feel like she's over the ex-boyfriend. This girl is asking for help in sorting through this. What would you say to her? Nothing like a little pressure, eh? Trying to get all the particulars into a post is difficult indeed. Besides the way he handled that break-up, he is a very nice young man. He is polite, generous, and helpful. He and the girlfriend never had angry disagreements. Outsiders saw that relationship as very good, that they made such a good couple. He is 21 yrs. old and did seem to be immature in knowing how to handle a serious relationship, which is understandable considering it was his first one. He only had 1 girlfriend before that he dated for a couple of years but he describes the relationship as casual, not meaningful like he felt with the young lady I'm talking about now. There are trust issues right now, obviously. She wants to know if she would ever be able to move beyond that. She's worried he thinks he has changed but that once back in her state, he may become unhappy again. She doesn't know if she can handle him walking out on her again. I don't know what to say to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Did he solve his problem with her input as a couple? (no) Was he overly influenced by other people like his friends? (yes) Did he solve his problem with her input at all? I know it's a repeat, I just can't get over this one. . . I would help her look at how he handled the dynamics of the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 nevermind. Want to think about it longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 She's going to make her own decision, you can't influence it. Just be a neutral sounding board with no advice. Sometimes folks just need to hear themselves speak aloud in order to think it though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If she is still in love with him it is worth trying to work through, I would think. My husband broke it off with me for 6 weeks, before coming to his senses. We have been happy ever since. It sounds like a similar situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 She's going to make her own decision, you can't influence it. Just be a neutral sounding board with no advice. Sometimes folks just need to hear themselves speak aloud in order to think it though. :iagree:The bolded is me exactly. I talk things outloud (or type them to you guys here) and things become clear to me in the process. Be a sounding board for this young lady but do not offer advice, it will only come back to haunt you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Every successful relationship has such wildly different beginnings. Few of them are fairytale perfect. One thing I would say, though. I hope she doesn't let him just move back in as if nothing ever happened. Too comfortable and too easy to devalue what he has all over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Forget about the first guy. Anyone who can pack up and leave like that one time will do it again. Forget about him and move on. I wouldn't stay in touch just as friends either. His loss! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 He's in a different state now? Back with his family and friends? I guess if he wanted to return to your state (or whatever state we are talking about) I'd be inclined to see if he would do that as his own mature person, not moving in with his old girlfriend, but relocating on his own behalf. If he is unwilling to do that, then it's more just playing house and having drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 She needs closure. She needs to be in a place to move on either with him or with someone else. But she needs to close that last relationship up - even if she goes back to him - it will be a new relationship (or it needs to be) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 would be the statement that he "packed up and moved one day." Did he give her any discussion? Was he kind or ugly? I tend to think that when young people live together, they have various ideas about what their relationship is and what their level of commitment is, and I can't know that just based on living together. I would want my son, if he were living with a girl, to not feel "stuck" with her out of some sense of obligation. If he wanted to move, for whatever reason (and being near family seems like an okay reason) I would not want him to feel too guilty to do to. He hasn't proposed, he doesn't owe her anything except kindness, not sticking her with bills, showing her respect etc. But he doesn't have to hash it out and "work on the relationship" unless he wants to. In a way, I think this is the problem with any physical intimacy between young people. I tend to think you shouldn't sleep with someone you aren't feeling pretty committed to. It creates expectations that need to be carefully discussed. But anyway, on the face of it, it doesn't seem wrong for him to leave, though if he dumped her for another woman I really wouldn't trust him again. Anyway, I think she just has to figure out what she really wants. If she really wants him, it's worth suffering for. Or she has to decide if it was/is. But I don't feel negatively towards him unless he really did it in a cruel way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If she is still in love with him it is worth trying to work through, I would think. :iagree: He's young. He made a mistake. He realized his mistake and apologized. Sounds like a keeper to me. Or at least someone worth giving a second chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If she is still in love with him it is worth trying to work through, I would think. My husband broke it off with me for 6 weeks, before coming to his senses. We have been happy ever since. It sounds like a similar situation. I agree - my dh broke things off with me for a few months (and even had a go at getting back together with his ex-finacee) before realizing he really loved me. I was absolutely crazy about him and devastated - but tried to move on. However, when he came around, I gave him a second chance and that's been 19 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Why does she like the first guy? What does she like about him? What concerns her about him? Why does she like the second guy? What does she like about him? What concerns her about him? Both sound like decent men from what you've said. I suspect there isn't a 'right' decision because it would be so individual upon the people and situation. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 He's in a different state now? Back with his family and friends? I guess if he wanted to return to your state (or whatever state we are talking about) I'd be inclined to see if he would do that as his own mature person, not moving in with his old girlfriend, but relocating on his own behalf. If he is unwilling to do that, then it's more just playing house and having drama. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 Anyway, I think she just has to figure out what she really wants. If she really wants him, it's worth suffering for. Or she has to decide if it was/is. But I don't feel negatively towards him unless he really did it in a cruel way. No, he didn't discuss his feelings with her. She knew he wasn't totally happy but her attempts at getting him more involved with things with their friends seemed to fall flat fairly often. The way he left was definitely not right, IMHO. It was the day after Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, he had a family meal with her dad's family. He acted like nothing was wrong. Only his friends knew he was leaving the next morning. He was supposed to be going home for a week to help his friends out with something. She had no problem with that and encouraged him to go and enjoy his time, hoping he would come back feeling happier. But on the morning he was leaving, she noticed he was packing up things that he shouldn't have been taking with him. She asked him in a half-joking manner if he was moving out. He just looked at her then continued packing. He remained quiet. She started asking questions and he finally just told her that he felt it was best if he moved back home permanently. This hit her out of the blue. She had no idea that he had been making plans for the past 2 weeks to move back to his home state. He wanted to slip away without having the guts to tell her outright what he was doing. So no, he never discussed anything with her. I have no problem being a sounding board. The problem is that she wants to know what I think. I've hemmed and hawed a great deal and ask her questions to keep her thinking and talking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 IF he's serious, he can prove it to her by waiting and letting her make her own decision in her own time. Meanwhile, still date the new guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If she is still in love with him it is worth trying to work through, I would think. My husband broke it off with me for 6 weeks, before coming to his senses. We have been happy ever since. It sounds like a similar situation. :iagree: DH and I broke up for about 6 months before getting back together. We were 19 and in college, we both freaked (him more than me). It worked out. But, OTOH, he didnt just take off. He was respectful and kind always, whether we were together or not. So, even from my "yes, happily ever after is possible after a breakup" perspective... I'd be cautious. The telling his friends he was leaving before her thing seems bad to me, but I can't pinpoint why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 All I have to add is: If the first boy was her first love, she needs to work EVERYTHING out before she moves on. I keep seeing way too many older women leaving good marriages to go back to their first love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beccad777 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I would caution her to be very careful, but if she loves him to keep that option open. My DH and I broke up for a couple of months when we were dating, but got back together and have been happily married for 12 years. If I were her, I would not welcome him back with open arms, but let him prove himself over time. Keep dating the new guy, but she needs to be honest with the new guy about what is going on. Otherwise, if she decides to get back with ex, she will be blindsiding him. That's no better than what ex did. Being a sounding board for her is a great thing since she needs someone to help her think and talk it though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) No, he didn't discuss his feelings with her. She knew he wasn't totally happy but her attempts at getting him more involved with things with their friends seemed to fall flat fairly often. The way he left was definitely not right, IMHO. It was the day after Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, he had a family meal with her dad's family. He acted like nothing was wrong. Only his friends knew he was leaving the next morning. He was supposed to be going home for a week to help his friends out with something. She had no problem with that and encouraged him to go and enjoy his time, hoping he would come back feeling happier. But on the morning he was leaving, she noticed he was packing up things that he shouldn't have been taking with him. She asked him in a half-joking manner if he was moving out. He just looked at her then continued packing. He remained quiet. She started asking questions and he finally just told her that he felt it was best if he moved back home permanently. This hit her out of the blue. She had no idea that he had been making plans for the past 2 weeks to move back to his home state. He wanted to slip away without having the guts to tell her outright what he was doing. So no, he never discussed anything with her. I have no problem being a sounding board. The problem is that she wants to know what I think. I've hemmed and hawed a great deal and ask her questions to keep her thinking and talking. So, at the very, very best, he was/is completely immature, and unable to handle adult decisions appropriately. But...my first thoughts when reading this is that he's a sneak, a coward, and a liar, and if he could keep something like leaving her and moving back to the orig state a secret for 2 wks, then what else could he lie about? He's not a nice guy. Pulling what he did proves that. Nice guys stand, not slink off. Edited April 17, 2012 by Impish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 So, at the very, very best, he was/is completely immature, and unable to handle adult decisions inappropriately. But...my first thoughts when reading this is that he's a sneak, a coward, and a liar, and if he could keep something like leaving her and moving back to the orig state a secret for 2 wks, then what else could he lie about? He's not a nice guy. Pulling what he did proves that. Nice guys stand, not slink off. :iagree: What "man" lets his friends talk him into leaving a committed relationship? And if he is not a "man" then he has no business being in a committed relationship. He had his chance. Move on. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I wanna smack 'em too Heather! But I'll just be nice about it.. seriously though, I suspect he's an addictive personality and this isn't going to be a pretty ending....the comment about the extended gaming stuff bothered me immensely...and if his friends (ahem) were so incredibly powerful to talk him out of the relationship - sorry, dude is a wimp....and she's co-dependent possibly. What he did was incredibly premeditated. The fact she never picked up on it doesn't make him master criminal mind of the century, nor her naive princess of the universe, but it does smack of a really bad combo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I wanna smack 'em too Heather! But I'll just be nice about it.. seriously though, I suspect he's an addictive personality and this isn't going to be a pretty ending....the comment about the extended gaming stuff bothered me immensely...and if his friends (ahem) were so incredibly powerful to talk him out of the relationship - sorry, dude is a wimp....and she's co-dependent possibly. What he did was incredibly premeditated. The fact she never picked up on it doesn't make him master criminal mind of the century, nor her naive princess of the universe, but it does smack of a really bad combo. I'm feeling quite hot under the collar about this guy's behavior and I don't know him or the young lady! I think I have leftover issues from my dating days. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 So, at the very, very best, he was/is completely immature, and unable to handle adult decisions appropriately. But...my first thoughts when reading this is that he's a sneak, a coward, and a liar, and if he could keep something like leaving her and moving back to the orig state a secret for 2 wks, then what else could he lie about? He's not a nice guy. Pulling what he did proves that. Nice guys stand, not slink off. :iagree::iagree: This "man" is a boy in men's clothing. Someday, he may grow up but not in 5 months, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm feeling quite hot under the collar about this guy's behavior and I don't know him or the young lady! I think I have leftover issues from my dating days. . . lol We are probably ALL repressed and wanting to revert to a pack of she-wolves Jean, and doing our best to be posers like grown adults should...:lol: edit: I know, make him walk around downtown with her wearing a bright safety orange kilt and a wife-beater should he return. Ya..ya! (This is going to degenerate into a kilt-thread at some point, we might as well get going now..) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 But...my first thoughts when reading this is that he's a sneak, a coward, and a liar, and if he could keep something like leaving her and moving back to the orig state a secret for 2 wks, then what else could he lie about? :iagree: At first, I was willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but when I heard about the cowardly and sneaky way he planned to leave her, I changed my mind. How will she ever be able to trust this guy? He fooled her once -- and also lied to her family by omission on Thanksgiving -- so what will prevent him from doing it again when the going gets a little tough, or his friends introduce him to a girl they like better? I have to admit that I'm wondering if "the grass was greener" in the other state for a while because there was another girl involved, and when she dumped his sorry butt, he decided to rekindle his relationship with the girl we're discussing here. I know people can change, and the guy is certainly talking a good game, but he also talked a good game on Thanksgiving, when he conveniently neglected to mention that his "little visit" to the other state was actually a pre-planned permanent move. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm seeing all sorts of red flags here. If the girl is already seeing a different guy, and he's honest, decent, and nice, I think she'd be crazy to leave him for Liar Dude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 IF he's serious, he can prove it to her by waiting and letting her make her own decision in her own time. Meanwhile, still date the new guy. :iagree: However, if this "boy" is 23 or older, I'd give up now. A 19 year old can make that kind of mistake. A 24 year should know better. If they aren't dependable at 24, I'd not hold my breath on them becoming dependable. New guy, however, gets to be told there is an X month cooling off period. How old are these people?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 She said in the opening post he is 21. I don't know about her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 He's probably not willing to re-relocate without moving back in with her. But, he's young to be making any Big Decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 To me, 21 is old enough not to deal w/things by lying and cowardice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 How does a male go from someone who abandons.... to a male who can contemplate with clarity the ideals of marriage and family in 5 months? Magic? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 She said in the opening post he is 21. I don't know about her. If there was ABsolutely nothing else wrong with a 21 year old (bright, on track, decent family, was great until this grass is greener moment, is very sorry without being maudlin, didn't threatening to end his life if she doesn't take him back etc.) AND she isn't thinking this new guy might be "the one", I personally would give a 21 year old the benefit of the doubt, and proceed more slowly with him, and bail at the first refused fence. However, if she wants to settle down before the next 3-4 years and start having babies, I'd not waste my time on him. If the girl involved is torn because she's doing all her thinking with her heart and not her head, she should think about how she'll feel if it doesn't work out AGAIN. Some people would be devastated. What are her goals? I was much more interested in love and romance at that age. I didn't think about a "home" with someone until I met someone who made me feel all nesty (I was in my 30s) -- not Thumpa-Thumpa -Broom Alert (swept off your feet), but "what a great guy, so good at his work, nice to everyone, funny, smart, etc". At 21 I felt I was too young to know what was best, and thus didn't want to commit until I was older, but I am a person who takes promises *very* seriously, and stuck with the love of my life through rehab and cancer. I don't think I could have done that at 21. I take that back. I KNOW I couldn't have done that at 21. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 How does a male go from someone who abandons.... to a male who can contemplate with clarity the ideals of marriage and family in 5 months? Magic? I had "click" moments in my young adulthood. I remember when I decided when I would stop letting "the hounds of thought eat up the stag of the mind" (I was reading about Actaeon). From one day to the next I lost huge amounts of angst. I was 21. I read that phrase and willed it to be. I remember the day I decided on what to do with my future and became a massive study machine, focused and unstoppable. I was 26. It was a CLICK about 12 hours after a brief interaction with a total stranger (a female cashier) that changed my view of myself. I can't be the only clicker out there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think she needs to consider long and hard what she misses about the reality of living w/him was. Ignore the claims of quitting gaming, etc...She hasn't seen that for herself, and his other promises, considering the ones he's already broken, aren't to be trusted yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 He is 21 and she is 20, but she's ready for a serious committment. She wants to get married and have a family. Apparently she talked to the new boyfriend today and he was totally understanding, but he backed off. He said they should be friends but that he felt she needed time to be single to figure things out. The new boyfriend is 22 yrs. old except now he's not her boyfriend anymore. She isn't crushed but she feels a little guilty about the whole situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 The only way to know would be for him to move back, live in his own apartment, have a job, and date. Somehow I don't think it's likely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) IF he's serious, he can prove it to her by waiting and letting her make her own decision in her own time. Meanwhile, still date the new guy. I'm thinking this. DH and I broke up for a few months twice while dating. His departure the second time wasn't quite so pre-planned, but he too was yearning toward freedom and doing things behind my back (nothing major, but stuff we should have talked about). He was 25. I found out accidentally and confronted him, and he confessed to feeling tied down and walked. A few months later, he came back the same way the guy in the OP did. Six months later we were engaged, and 18 months later we were married. Twelve years later... :001_wub: People can make mistakes--really big, disappointing ones. I don't think that means they don't deserve second chances ever. But I do think those second chances should be given with caveats and much caution on the part of the injured party, and with great patience and love on the part of the injurer. If the guy can commit to giving the girl what she needs to rebuild her faith in him, then I would say she should test the waters if she feels inclined and go at her own pace. If he cannot, then that's the end of the second chance. That would be my advice as someone who's been the injured party as well as very nearly one causing the injury (but was saved by a well-timed phone call :blushing:). Edited April 18, 2012 by melissel Got DH's age wrong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 She's been honest about things though. Sounds like guy #2 has the maturity and concern for her that someone should have in an adult relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 She's been honest about things though. Sounds like guy #2 has the maturity and concern for her that someone should have in an adult relationship. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I guess if he wanted to return to your state (or whatever state we are talking about) I'd be inclined to see if he would do that as his own mature person, not moving in with his old girlfriend, but relocating on his own behalf. :iagree: He should move into his own place and they can "date" again. He should win her back like an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 He said they should be friends but that he felt she needed time to be single to figure things out. Sounds like excellent advice. There is no screaming rush at 20. Oh and, "she's ready" in your opinion, or she thinks she's ready and you have your doubts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 :iagree: He should move into his own place and they can "date" again. He should win her back like an adult. Yep - this exactly! She's hurt, angry, afraid - do not be pressured right now! In fact, I'd probably advise she take some time off from dating (let alone wondering which one to spend her life with) for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 No, he didn't discuss his feelings with her. She knew he wasn't totally happy but her attempts at getting him more involved with things with their friends seemed to fall flat fairly often. The way he left was definitely not right, IMHO. It was the day after Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, he had a family meal with her dad's family. He acted like nothing was wrong. Only his friends knew he was leaving the next morning. He was supposed to be going home for a week to help his friends out with something. She had no problem with that and encouraged him to go and enjoy his time, hoping he would come back feeling happier. But on the morning he was leaving, she noticed he was packing up things that he shouldn't have been taking with him. She asked him in a half-joking manner if he was moving out. He just looked at her then continued packing. He remained quiet. She started asking questions and he finally just told her that he felt it was best if he moved back home permanently. This hit her out of the blue. She had no idea that he had been making plans for the past 2 weeks to move back to his home state. He wanted to slip away without having the guts to tell her outright what he was doing. So no, he never discussed anything with her. I have no problem being a sounding board. The problem is that she wants to know what I think. I've hemmed and hawed a great deal and ask her questions to keep her thinking and talking. Wow. I would never encourage anyone I knew to get back together with someone that did this. It is not only immature, but clearly, he didn't intend to tell her! How appalling that he cared so little for her that he would treat her in this way. I would absolutely NOT encourage this relationship and I would tell her that there are men and there are MEN. They exist and she needs to move on and find one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 IF he's serious, he can prove it to her by waiting and letting her make her own decision in her own time. Meanwhile, still date the new guy. This. But it sounds really strange the way he went about leaving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I think she should date other people. If the current bf is nice, but she is still thinking about the BF who left, then she needs to keep looking. The first BF while sorry, may not really want to be back in a relationship with her again. In time she will get over those feelings for the first BF, but since she was living with him, those feeling probably ran deep. She should give her self time and not jump into any relationship too soon. At that age, there is still lots of growing and changing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I had "click" moments in my young adulthood. I remember when I decided when I would stop letting "the hounds of thought eat up the stag of the mind" (I was reading about Actaeon). From one day to the next I lost huge amounts of angst. I was 21. I read that phrase and willed it to be. I remember the day I decided on what to do with my future and became a massive study machine, focused and unstoppable. I was 26. It was a CLICK about 12 hours after a brief interaction with a total stranger (a female cashier) that changed my view of myself. I can't be the only clicker out there! Wait a minute -- WHAT did the cashier say? How can you leave us hanging like this? :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tori@thehomefront Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 When you say "gaming" do you mean video gaming? Because regardless of anything else, if he has a problem with excessive video game playing, I say run for the hills. I know a lot of people don't believe you can be addicted to video gaming, and I don't want to start something controversial, but I've BTDT and you don't want to hook up with someone with that problem. Sorry I don't have any better advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I had "click" moments in my young adulthood. I remember when I decided when I would stop letting "the hounds of thought eat up the stag of the mind" (I was reading about Actaeon). From one day to the next I lost huge amounts of angst. I was 21. I read that phrase and willed it to be. I remember the day I decided on what to do with my future and became a massive study machine, focused and unstoppable. I was 26. It was a CLICK about 12 hours after a brief interaction with a total stranger (a female cashier) that changed my view of myself. I can't be the only clicker out there! Nope! Fellow clicker here. :D I remember three 'click' moments in my life. One I was about 15 and had turned into a big fat liar. I lied to my mom about nearly everything...she sat me down one day and said, 'Liars can never have a real relationship with anyone, because no one will ever be able to trust a single word you say.' I remember the 'click' and well, lets say I do not lie. Never lied to my mom again and have worked very hard to never lie again ever. Another click had to do with my first marriage. There was a moment that was so clear...when I KNEW I would NEVER take him back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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