Help me figure out how to manage this- Budgeting

[cseitter]

My DH finally put me on a budget like I have been asking him to forever. What I had been asking for was an amount that I could use for household expenses instead of the typical comment "we have $800 in the checking acct." and then complain when I spend $300 at the grocery store because he has bills scheduled to go out.

 

Anyway, I have $250 a week which equals $1000 a month. Seems like alot right? Well here are my expenses that are coming out for a 7 person household:

 

A month:

Gymnastics: $93 a month by the 5th

Gym membership: $87 a month by the 26th

Netflix: $8.99 a month- on the 5th

Medicine: $60 a month- -varies

 

That equals $250 a month for monthly expenses.

 

A Week:

 

Gas: I spend between $50 and $75 week in gas. We have 15 passenger van that I drive. $50 is about a 1/2 tank and with prices the way they are ($3.93 today at gas station) may go up

 

Groceries: trying to do it on $125 a week. How in the heck can I feed 7 people on $125 a week? Any tips?

 

This leaves me no money for anything like doctors appt, eating out, anything fun, etc. I have talked to him about adding to it but he just complains we really don't have the $1000 a month to begin with. We started with seperate checking accts. Mine is the household acct and he has a bill acct. He has $250 transferred over every Tues.

 

Seriously, I am dying. I have $0 money and I hate it. If I ask him to stop and pick up any groceries. I get a comment like yesterday that he is grocery shopping for me with bill money and it should come out of the household. Or then complains that there is no food in the house and wants to know why not.... I have 4 kids that I homeschool and need to feed all day!

 

Any ideas on how to make this work? Gymnastics is a must or my 5 year old will kill herself. She climbs my walls or does backflips of things. At least in the gym she is in a controlled environment and I have less of that activity at home.

The Gym membership is questionable but they have a pe class for homeschoolers 2x a week, tae kawn do 2x a week all at no extra charge.

[Moxie]

Have you showed him the numbers and asked him which one he wants to cut out? It's math, not magic.

[Michelle My Bell]

Do you have a YMCA nearby? If so you could get a scholarship possibly for the membership and get classes a lot cheaper.

 

Have you tried selling anything online?

 

What about Live Ops a few hours a week to bring in a bit of money?

 

What about babysitting once in awhile?

[2squared]

I would sit down together and create a budget together. There is a limited amount of funds, and you both need to decide what to cut and what to keep. If you both value the items you listed, you may have to cut one of the other bills that your dh pays. Like a PP said, it's all math and no magic.

 

FWIW, we cut cable TV and home phone this year so we could keep the kids' activities. Their activities have increased, and the money had to come from somewhere. TV and phone seemed to be least painful cut for us.

[Moxie]

Do you have a YMCA nearby? If so you could get a scholarship possibly for the membership and get classes a lot cheaper.

 

Have you tried selling anything online?

 

What about Live Ops a few hours a week to bring in a bit of money?

 

What about babysitting once in awhile?

 

I guess I don't see this so much as a money issue but a communication issue. The way the OP phrased it sounds like a child communicating with a parent. Two adults should be sitting down on a regular basis to discuss how much is coming in, how much is going out, what needs to be eliminated, etc.

[jennsmile]

It sounds like you are on two different pages.

 

I know not everybody likes Dave Ramsey but may that would be a good place to start. Budgets are good but both of you get a say.

 

Our budget includes a grocery budget, dining out budget, netflix, gas, ect. If we had gym membership it would be part of the budget.

 

I have loved You Need a Budget as it lets me catergorize what I spend and where I go over. Last month it was Gas. So this month was able to budget more.

 

We also have mad money/blow money for things that I want/need. It helps to know I have X amount to spend however I please.

[speedmom4]

You are right. The budget doesn't add up. Either you need more money for household expenses or you need to eliminate some things. My son is a competitive gymnast so I sympathize with you. I personally wouldn't eliminate

it either. With gas and food prices rising something has to go. I would seriously consider dropping the gym membership but honestly that doesn't make that much of a difference. I think I would sit down with your dh and really work on a realistic budget. Dave Ramsey is a great resource for that if you need help.

 

God Bless,

 

Elise in NC

[2squared]

My DH finally put me on a budget like I have been asking him to forever. What I had been asking for was an amount that I could use for household expenses instead of the typical comment "we have $800 in the checking acct." and then complain when I spend $300 at the grocery store because he has bills scheduled to go out.

 

FWIW, I wouldn't consider all your items household expenses. The term "household" makes it sound like they are your expenses when they are really family expenses. In our budget your list would be classified as:

 

Food - groceries & eating out

Kid Activities - gymnastics, gym membership

Medical

Auto Fuel

Entertainment - Netflix, fun, blow money

 

We would write out the budget with a big negative at the bottom, and start cutting. I sit down with a calendar and plan which activities the kids will be in for the month, when we are going to eat out, how many miles I will be driving, clothes the kids need, etc. If I know that detail, it's easy to have a conversation about what needs to be cut and how to do it.

[J-rap]

Of course I don't know what your finances are, and if money is not there, it's not there. On the other hand, maybe it IS there, but you just can't agree exactly on how to distribute it.

 

Have you shown him your list of expenses?

 

What helped us (besides the obvious -- sitting down and talking about it together), was to have a separate budget for groceries and household needs (things you would get at Target, for example -- shampoo, cleaners, etc.). And have a DIFFERENT category for children's activities or other extras. I think we used to have a category for the children which included both homeschool materials and their extra curricular activities.

[cseitter]

We have no cable or a home phone. I have a cell and my ds has a cell. My DH's is paid for by his work. We have really cut down just about everything we could. We have the van to pay off and we have 1 credit card that we are paying down. Other than those things we just have household bills. Our mortgage is what kills us as we bought this house with 2 incomes and then I was laid off. I worked from home and putting 4 kids in daycare was not a financially choice. But we are upside down in the mortgage as are so many other people and can't get out of it.

 

I do work 2 nights a week cleaning a doctors office. I make $10 an hour so about $40 a week. That helps a little. I pay for my son's geometry class $35 a month with that and I am on a diet of protein shakes (Visalus and have lost 23 pounds) which are $50 a month. I worked LiveOps for a while and hated it. I haven't found anything else to do at home. Its not that I don't want to work because I worked full time up until 4 years ago. I get comments from him on the nights I do work about "Gosh you have to go to work" "When are WE going to have some time together?"

 

We have taken the Dave Ramsey course together.

Edited March 29, 2012 by cseitter

[DawnM]

So, the oldest gets 1/10 of the budget? What happens when #2 and #3 start climbing the walls or need an outlet?

 

I am not saying you have to cut that, just that you need to think realistically of the entire family and the budget.

 

Dh and I teach Crown Financial. Crown is huge on working out the budget together. Money in/money out....if those don't match up, something has to give.

 

If you give up gymnastics and the gym, will your gas bill also decrease? That would be a win-win for me right there.

 

Can you change your eating habits to give yourself more money in the budget?

 

Dawn

[A.Balaban]

First, you need to figure out how much you spend a month on groceries now. I don't know how much. If you normally spend $300 a week, you are not going to be able to overnight spend $125. A good budget I have seen is $25 per person, per week. However, with a 7 person household that would be $175 a week.

 

Groceries, gas, and medicine have to come first. Assuming you aren't driving in circles, wasting gas, that is. :)

 

I would look at a cheaper gym alternative (I don't know how often you are using it) or giving up gymnastics. You might just have to give up some of these things until you pay down the debt and then you can add these things back in.

[Melinda in VT]

My DH finally put me on a budget like I have been asking him to forever. What I had been asking for was an amount that I could use for household expenses instead of the typical comment "we have $800 in the checking acct." and then complain when I spend $300 at the grocery store because he has bills scheduled to go out.

 

Anyway, I have $250 a week which equals $1000 a month. Seems like alot right? Well here are my expenses that are coming out for a 7 person household:

 

A month:

Gymnastics: $93 a month by the 5th

Gym membership: $87 a month by the 26th

Netflix: $8.99 a month- on the 5th

Medicine: $60 a month- -varies

 

That equals $250 a month for monthly expenses.

 

A Week:

 

Gas: I spend between $50 and $75 week in gas. We have 15 passenger van that I drive. $50 is about a 1/2 tank and with prices the way they are ($3.93 today at gas station) may go up

 

Groceries: trying to do it on $125 a week. How in the heck can I feed 7 people on $125 a week? Any tips?

 

This leaves me no money for anything like doctors appt, eating out, anything fun, etc. I have talked to him about adding to it but he just complains we really don't have the $1000 a month to begin with. We started with seperate checking accts. Mine is the household acct and he has a bill acct. He has $250 transferred over every Tues.

 

Seriously, I am dying. I have $0 money and I hate it. If I ask him to stop and pick up any groceries. I get a comment like yesterday that he is grocery shopping for me with bill money and it should come out of the household. Or then complains that there is no food in the house and wants to know why not.... I have 4 kids that I homeschool and need to feed all day!

 

Any ideas on how to make this work? Gymnastics is a must or my 5 year old will kill herself. She climbs my walls or does backflips of things. At least in the gym she is in a controlled environment and I have less of that activity at home.

The Gym membership is questionable but they have a pe class for homeschoolers 2x a week, tae kawn do 2x a week all at no extra charge.

 

Is the bolded part true? What is your husband's take-home pay each month? (You don't need to tell us, but figure out what it is if you don't know.) After taxes, retirement, insurance paid through payroll deductions, etc., what comes home? What bills does your DH pay? How much is left?

 

Is there any way to reduce the bills your DH pays? Can you turn the thermostat lower at night than you are? Can you save money on your electric bills? Any wiggle room there?

 

It's hard for me to tell if your DH is being unreasonable, or if there just isn't any more money to give you.

[WishboneDawn]

I would sit down together and create a budget together. There is a limited amount of funds, and you both need to decide what to cut and what to keep. If you both value the items you listed, you may have to cut one of the other bills that your dh pays. Like a PP said, it's all math and no magic.

 

FWIW, we cut cable TV and home phone this year so we could keep the kids' activities. Their activities have increased, and the money had to come from somewhere. TV and phone seemed to be least painful cut for us.

 

That's the key. Budgets don't work when imposed by one party (even if the other party asked for it) and don't work if the numbers are pulled from thin air. It's sort of unfair to not do the background work and then be surpised or upset that the budget doesn't match the expenses.

 

You guys should be tracking your spending, listing expenses and THEN sitting down together and figuring out a budget.

 

A great resource is Gail Vaz Oxlade's website. She has lots of advice and some great worksheets.

[Aura]

I completely understand! I had been asking my dh for the same thing for years...a household budget that would be mine to take care of without being affected by upcoming bills. I would get so frustrated trying to figure out how much money I had to spend on groceries...and what about clothes for the kids, or buying in bulk when things came on sale? Well, finally, he agreed!

 

I came up with a list of things that I felt should be covered by this budget, then we went over it together. Ultimately we agreed on the list, then we had to figure out the amount. That wasn't easy. It took both of us looking at his income and all our bills, etc. to figure out an amount that would work.

 

He didn't come up with the amount arbitrarily, and I had to give in on some things, too. If the money isn't there, it just isn't there. For instance, I had to reduce our Christmas budget and drastically reduce our clothing budget. The money just wasn't there. It took a great deal of going back and forth, but ultimately, we reached an amount we both felt was doable.

 

Part of the agreement, though, was that whatever was considered part of my budget, like groceries, would come out of my account. Dh has a card to my account, and if I need him to stop and grab something, it goes on that card. If he has to cover extra expenses that are categorically part of my responsibility, the math doesn't add up for him to be able to deposit the full amount into my account.

 

We both understand that emergencies might mean revisiting things, but generally speaking, I agreed to this amount, and I have to stick with it.

 

In regards to gymnastics, with our income and 6 kids, we just can't handle doing seperate activities for each child. We chose to do one thing (a karate family membership) for the whole family. It gives something for everyone at a cost we could afford.

[jujsky]

It sounds like you are on two different pages.

 

I know not everybody likes Dave Ramsey but may that would be a good place to start. Budgets are good but both of you get a say.

 

Our budget includes a grocery budget, dining out budget, netflix, gas, ect. If we had gym membership it would be part of the budget.

 

I have loved You Need a Budget as it lets me catergorize what I spend and where I go over. Last month it was Gas. So this month was able to budget more.

 

We also have mad money/blow money for things that I want/need. It helps to know I have X amount to spend however I please.

 

 

:iagree: with the You Need A Budget program. We've been using it since September, and it really helps us see where our money is going. We sit down a couple times each week and do it together -- I put in all the receipts and let him know what we can spend, he tells me what he has on auto pay. Starting a budget has been painful, but we're getting there.

 

As far as groceries, I don't think you can feed a family of 7 well on $125/week. I just don't. If I had to guess, I'd say there is something from the bills you can cut or work on reducing.

[Colleen in NS]

...We have really cut down just about everything we could. We have the van to pay off and we have 1 credit card that we are paying down.

 

...I pay for my son's geometry class $35 a month with that and I am on a diet of protein shakes (Visalus and have lost 23 pounds) which are $50 a month.

 

"Gymnastics: $93 a month by the 5th

Gym membership: $87 a month by the 26th

Netflix: $8.99 a month- on the 5th"

 

You are paying a loan on a 15 passenger van for a family of seven? Could you get a smaller van, less expensive to buy and maintain and fuel?

 

We live very close to the bone, and all of the above that I quoted and listed (except the credit card bill - I would prioritize paying that off) fall under "non-essential" for us. If you need more grocery money to feed your family, I'd cut out some or all of the above items. To me, feeding/clothing/sheltering/watering my family and paying off debt at a reasonable pace are far more important than all the other things you listed. If I can provide the basics, I tend to get more creative about frugally making the non-essentials happen, or I just get content to live without or to create frugal alternatives.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Colleen in NS

[JennifersLost]

I'll chime in with the others: you need fewer expenses and more income.

 

1. Try to trade the 15 seater van for a 7 seater one and reduce or eliminate that payment.

 

2. Cut out the extra classes.

 

3. If your husband is doing what he can, you need to earn some more money. If it's at all possible, daycare is the easiest way for a stay-at-home mom to do that. You could probably take in two kids and transform your budget. Three kids and you'd be building a savings account.

 

I was miserable for years about not having enough. Then I finally decided that if I wanted more money, I was responsible for earning it. That has changed my life.

[DawnM]

As for groceries, I found this free e-book very helpful.

 

http://www.budget101.com/ebooklet/ebooklet_fam4.pdf

[JudoMom]

"Gymnastics: $93 a month by the 5th

Gym membership: $87 a month by the 26th

Netflix: $8.99 a month- on the 5th"

 

You are paying a loan on a 15 passenger van for a family of seven? Could you get a smaller van, less expensive to buy and maintain and fuel?

 

We live very close to the bone, and all of the above that I quoted and listed (except the credit card bill - I would prioritize paying that off) fall under "non-essential" for us. If you need more grocery money to feed your family, I'd cut out some or all of the above items. To me, feeding/clothing/sheltering/watering my family and paying off debt at a reasonable pace are far more important than all the other things you listed. If I can do these things, I tend to get more creative about frugally making the other things happen, or I just get content to live without or create frugal alternatives.

 

:iagree:

[Lisbeth]

I guess I don't see this so much as a money issue but a communication issue. The way the OP phrased it sounds like a child communicating with a parent. Two adults should be sitting down on a regular basis to discuss how much is coming in, how much is going out, what needs to be eliminated, etc.

 

Agree. It has to be about equals working together. This sounds very one-sided.

[Lisbeth]

I work part time specifically to pay for the kids' enrichments. DH says I can quit any tine, since he could cover all of that, but I feel better bringing it in myself. Maybe finding a way to earn your own money would be a partial solution.

[fraidycat]

I agree if you can find the Dave Ramsey video on budgeting, it would be worth it to watch. You don't necessarily have to watch the whole FPU series, but the one on budgeting and both partners participating is golden. I'm the number geek here. I basically have to sit DH down and force him to participate, but as per Dave Ramsey's "rules" he has to change something so that I don't feel like "the boss" - I don't want that job!

 

youneedabudget.com is the absolute BEST $60.00 I have ever spent in my entire life. Hands down. It paid for itself 5x over in the first month of use. youneedabudget forums are to budgeting what The Hive is to homeschooling. They are awesome people over there! I've been using it over two years now, and would NEVER live without it.

 

I can't help you with groceries. We are a family of four and spend around $150 per week on groceries, but we try to eat as organic as possible, and we're a little bit snobby about certain foods - as long as it's within the budget.

[justamouse]

Have you showed him the numbers and asked him which one he wants to cut out? It's math, not magic.

:iagree:

 

You can't make it come out of air. If it's not there, it's not there.

 

Does she REALLY have to do gymnastics? Can you reassess to see if it's in the budget next year?

 

Cut out the van if you can. I have a 15 passenger but we have 6 kids home. We would LOVE to be able to downsize. Living in town, though, I fill it up once every three weeks.

[justamouse]

So, the oldest gets 1/10 of the budget? What happens when #2 and #3 start climbing the walls or need an outlet?

 

I am not saying you have to cut that, just that you need to think realistically of the entire family and the budget.

 

Dh and I teach Crown Financial. Crown is huge on working out the budget together. Money in/money out....if those don't match up, something has to give.

 

If you give up gymnastics and the gym, will your gas bill also decrease? That would be a win-win for me right there.

 

Can you change your eating habits to give yourself more money in the budget?

 

Dawn

:iagree:

[Rosy]

I would cut gymnastics and put her in one of the free classes at the Y (you mentioned TKD, PE, etc). But this sounds to me like a control issue, not a money issue. The money is equally yours and his; you need to come up with a reasonable budget *together* based on your income and your family's needs.

[butterflymommy]

If it's a choice between gymnastics, food, and medicine, unfortunately the choice is obvious. You have to stop gymnastics, you can't spend money you don't have. We've never done lessons, it's just too much money. :grouphug:

[cathmom]

Plus, if you get a smaller vehicle, you'll spend less on gas.

[AK_Mom4]

Put these thre things into the "Bills" budget:

Gymnastics: $93 a month by the 5th

Gym membership: $87 a month by the 26th

Netflix: $8.99 a month- on the 5th

 

That frees up a couple of hundred dollars in your household budget immediately. Sounds like the $$ is there, just in the wrong budget (since you said your DH could cover those extras).

 

BTW - notice what you are doing with your "budgets". The "Bills" are a pretty steady amount each month for most people. "Household" expenses are more variable. But you and your DH have set aside a fixed amount for Household and then "whatever is left" is going into the Bills budget. So you will always end up pulling $$ out of the Bills budget to cover the Household when it goes over.

 

What works for us is to put a fixed amount into Savings, a fixed amount into Bills, and then what is left becomes Household. Most times, we are able to build up a cushion in the Household account. When we don't have enough in the Household account that month it means we need to look hard at our expenses and see where we can cut back - though if it is a one-time thing (large medical bill), we pull $$ out of savings to cover. Slowly but surely, we are building up our savings again.

[MomatHWTK]

If gym and gymnastics were cut, that would probably cut the gas expenses considerably as well.

 

The order for living is-

food

shelter

clothing

medicine

 

Then you can get to extras and fun that costs $.

 

Your disposable budget (for groceries, etc.) should be the total money available minus fixed costs such as the mortgage, utility bills and debt repayment. Once all those items are deducted, then unless you want to incur debt you have to live with what's left. :sad:

 

Honestly, I'm not seeing the control issue. In our household one of us does the accounting and that person is the one who sets the budget because she has the knowledge to do so. Has OP tried discussing how the budget amount was determined yet?

[ma23peas]

You need to sit down and do a spreadsheet on all non-variable budget expenses.

 

Mortgage/rent

Auto payment

Insurance payment

Credit cards

cell phone bill

home phone bill

Orthodontist payments (:))

 

 

Then make a list of variable montly expenses:

Utilities (ours can vary from a hundred to five hundred!)

Food

Gas (I have my husband charge all his gas on a credit card for 3 months so we have a good idea of what he is using, mine is always the same, my life is like clockwork, 3 fill ups a month..Prius goes a long way!)

Doctor copays we just have one physical a year so I usually don't count these.

Dental appointments

 

Subtract all these from his take home pay. Figure out how much money you have left...NO spending on ANYTHING outside the set budget for 3 months..we did this and realized we had quite a cushion for those months when we needed new tires or hay for the horses.

 

We budget on 2 paychecks a month, since he is paid biweekly, that usually means 2 months a year we get 2 extra paychecks that cover all our incidentals/vacation etc.

 

I can't imagine asking my husband for a budget, I know where every penny every month is spent...my husband loves that I do it all, I'm a creature of habit..so we never get stung by life's hiccups (so far!)

[StephanieZ]

OMG. I could never do that.

 

If $ is really that tight, I'd cancel pricey sports and entertainment (gym & gymnastics for sure, maybe keep netflix since it is pretty cheap). That's almost $200/mo there, plus saved gas.

 

I'd also talk to dh about what we can do to cut major expenses (car/house) and/or increase income (2nd job for dh? odd jobs for the kids to pay for their own extras?).

 

When I read your post at first I thought it was $1000/mo for flexible things like entertainment/schooling/sports . . . and I thought, well, that's tough, but doable. Then I saw it included gas and groceries! And medicine! Good lord. I know people do it, but I don't know how.

 

Hang in there!

[Scuff]

Is all of "his" $ really going to bills? If it is, than you two need to sit down and figure out what to cut overall. If it's not, than you need to sit down and show him your budget so thst he can have a more realistic idea of what it takes to run the household. Either way, what you have isn't doable and you all need to discuss together how to make it work.

[Danestress]

or else your husband does. I know. Easier said than done, right? It's a tough economy. But if you have worked the "going out" end as much as you are able, you have to look at the "coming in" end. Could you clean more offices? Take in home care kids? Work while DH is home?

 

I know it is hard. Maybe even if you did something desperate for a year. I would consider putting the kids in kindergarten and preschool for a year or two if I had to.

 

Also, if things are as your husband says, do you actually qualify for any food stamps?

 

I would drop the extras if I could, but I know how it feels to not wanting to break a child's heart. So I understand not wanting to drop gymnastics. But I would consider ways I could work a few night shifts a week, even if it were McDonalds, if $1000 a month were that scarce.

[LucyStoner]

Have you showed him the numbers and asked him which one he wants to cut out? It's math, not magic.

 

:iagree:

 

Your food budget is a subsistence level amount. $125/wk for 7 people is $2.55 for each and everything that goes into 1 person's mouth for a whole day, about $17 for the whole family for a day. A cheaper, healthy dinner is easily 1/2 if not more than that with smart shopping and you still need breakfast, lunch and snacks. Unless all of the kids are tiny and in the barely eating phase, your shopping lists need to be pretty much beans, rice, sale fruit, veggies and bulk eggs. Economizing on groceries is a good thing to do but needs to be done with 2 things in mind- nutrition and what your family likes/will eat that is affordable. How much do you spend if you just buy what you want? The budgeting is done by looking at the actual figures from the previous months and practically working down from there, not taking a random lump sum and squeezing everything you spend into that without looking and what you both spend and need to spent. Personally I would cut nearly anything, to prevent not being able to feed my kids a reasonably healthy mix of foods. Where I live, on a budget, that can be done for $5-7/person per day. Their bodies are growing and need nutrients.

 

Why not set up a budget for the whole family, with the bill money and the hh money with a cheap program like YNAB (you need a budget?) Do it with your husband so you both see how much is coming in and where it is going. If you don't have $1000 a month for food and essentials you either are spending too much on bills or something else before the money gets to you OR for a family of 7 your income is too low. You can't balance a family budget on the small stuff, you need to look first at the big stuff- is your housing costing too much? Cars? Debt? Lower or eliminate those where possible. Cable? Internet? Phones? What can be reduced or found cheaper.

 

If your income is low and there is no way to increase it, apply for whatever aid you can find. Scholarships for kids activities. Food stamps. If your income is not low, I would say you need to look at the other side of the equation carefully.

 

People can say things like cut netflix and switch to the library etc all day long. However, you need way more than that and the picture is not complete. Where is your money going before the $1000? But it is a lot of things to look at, and big decisions to make (dropping a car, lowering housing costs etc). No one small thing is going to solve it.

Edited March 30, 2012 by kijipt

[LucyStoner]

We have no cable or a home phone. I have a cell and my ds has a cell. My DH's is paid for by his work. We have really cut down just about everything we could. We have the van to pay off and we have 1 credit card that we are paying down. Other than those things we just have household bills. Our mortgage is what kills us as we bought this house with 2 incomes and then I was laid off. I worked from home and putting 4 kids in daycare was not a financially choice. But we are upside down in the mortgage as are so many other people and can't get out of it.

 

You may be eligible to renegotiate your mortgage through HUD.

 

http://www.makinghomeaffordable.gov.

[cseitter]

Yeah we tried that with BofA. We were 3 months waiting and they weren't working on it because we weren't behind on our mortgage. If we were behind then they would have gotten to us sooner. Then they sold our loan to another company and we had to start all over again. It was a nightmare.

 

You may be eligible to renegotiate your mortgage through HUD.

 

www.makinghomeaffordable.gov.

[cseitter]

We aren't behind on any bills and my DH makes quite a bit of money so we don't qualify for any food stamps or anything.

 

I talked to him tonight. There are things we can do but he won't do them. First he is an electrician. He could do side work and make triple what I would make working at McD's or cleaning offices. But he doesn't want to do any. Second, he claims 0 on his taxes so at the end of the year we get a HUGE tax refund. I want him to claim half of us and that way we have some more in the paycheck. Lastly, he hasn't had a raise in 5 years but his responsibility at work has tripled. He also just picked up on his own a 5 million dollar job and another building that they will start working in the fall that is an endless amount of work. Don't get me wrong. His boss has given him bonuses every year but what I want him to do is call his boss and ask to have a raise instead of a bonus so that we can budget it. it is nice to have a lump sum but we never know when it is coming and it isn't something we can count on.

 

He agreed to raise the household to $300 a week which is still tight. I don't think it is a control issue. I don't want to do the bills. He is a little OCD about it and would drive me crazy.

 

His reasoning about not changing the taxes or calling his boss is because he says that what will we do later on when we really need money? That these things are like money in the bank. :confused: I don't get that.... We have enough money in the bank account now to pay off the van but he hasn't done it because he wants a "cushion"? He says this has been going on for a while and that I am just now realizing it since he gave me the amount to work with. Well, why do you think I asked to be put on a budget??

 

Oh and I mentioned selling the van and just getting a mini-van. We are in the market to get a smaller car anyway because my oldest is getting his driver's license in May. My DH's response was... But then we would never be able to take anyone with us anywhere.

Edited March 30, 2012 by cseitter

[happypamama]

Yeah we tried that with BofA. We were 3 months waiting and they weren't working on it because we weren't behind on our mortgage. If we were behind then they would have gotten to us sooner. Then they sold our loan to another company and we had to start all over again. It was a nightmare.

 

Yep, btdt; it's ridiculous and unfair. Struggling and sacrificing but not actually behind on the mortgage = can't get help.

 

I don't think you can feed a family of seven on $125 a week, unless you live in a really low cost area. I couldn't do it here without feeding us a ton of white flour-based carbs. I second the suggestion to look into food stamps, and for any kids under 5, WIC. (And CHIP health insurance for the kids, if you're currently paying for that.)

 

I'd look into trading in the van as well, and I think you and your DH need to sit down and look at all of your expenses with regards to your income. And it may be that you need to cut the extra-curriculars. :(

[Catwoman]

FWIW, I couldn't live on a $300 per week budget, and there are only 3 of us in the house. The $300 wouldn't even cover food, let alone all of the other expenses.

 

My biggest problem with your situation, however, is not that you're on a budget, but that your dh seems to think the decisions are 100% his to make. Perhaps things are different in your real life, but you're making him sound like a tyrant who treats you like a dimwitted child, and I would never tolerate that.

 

I would, however, possibly understand his attitude if you have been a very irresponsible spender in the past, and you've been in debt as a result.

 

Otherwise, I'm not getting his attitude at all. I also don't understand why you have been asking him to put you on a budget "forever," yet now that he has done what you asked, you're not happy with it. How much money do you think you need? Why didn't you just tell him you need XX amount of money per week to run the household? :confused:

 

I'm sorry if I sound snarky, but I'm getting the impression that you don't have an equal say in how the family's money is spent, and that really bugs me, because I think you deserve more respect than you're getting. (And again, perhaps I am misinterpreting your posts!)

Edited March 30, 2012 by Catwoman

[LadyMSews]

We aren't behind on any bills and my DH makes quite a bit of money so we don't qualify for any food stamps or anything.

 

I talked to him tonight. There are things we can do but he won't do them. First he is an electrician. He could do side work and make triple what I would make working at McD's or cleaning offices. But he doesn't want to do any. Second, he claims 0 on his taxes so at the end of the year we get a HUGE tax refund. I want him to claim half of us and that way we have some more in the paycheck. Lastly, he hasn't had a raise in 5 years but his responsibility at work has tripled. He also just picked up on his own a 5 million dollar job and another building that they will start working in the fall that is an endless amount of work. Don't get me wrong. His boss has given him bonuses every year but what I want him to do is call his boss and ask to have a raise instead of a bonus so that we can budget it. it is nice to have a lump sum but we never know when it is coming and it isn't something we can count on.

 

He agreed to raise the household to $300 a week which is still tight. I don't think it is a control issue. I don't want to do the bills. He is a little OCD about it and would drive me crazy.

 

His reasoning about not changing the taxes or calling his boss is because he says that what will we do later on when we really need money? That these things are like money in the bank. :confused: I don't get that.... We have enough money in the bank account now to pay off the van but he hasn't done it because he wants a "cushion"? He says this has been going on for a while and that I am just now realizing it since he gave me the amount to work with. Well, why do you think I asked to be put on a budget??

 

Oh and I mentioned selling the van and just getting a mini-van. We are in the market to get a smaller car anyway because my oldest is getting his driver's license in May. My DH's response was... But then we would never be able to take anyone with us anywhere.

 

Based on what you said here, I'd suggest the you make a budget of what *you* need...include whatever you need to pay for each month (groceries, gas, classes, etc). Give dh the number. If he wants to be "mr. money control man", then he figure out how to pay for them.

 

I'm not trying to be snarky. He could simply be unaware of what stuff costs...especially food. We are a family of 8 and spend about $900/month for food and that is with careful shopping.

 

But really, I really encourage you guys to get on the same page money wise...have the same goals and understanding. It doesn't make sense for you to be anxious about having enough money to feed your children healthy meals when you have money sitting in the bank and your dh makes "quite a bit".

[LucyStoner]

I don't understand why him doing the bills means limited shared information.

 

I mostly do the bills and money here. But a couple times a month, we pour a glass of wine and do the budget tracking and big picture stuff together (do we have some extra to kick towards a want or more into savings or how are we going to juggle a big need that is atypical?) so that my husband (who is a science/art guy and not a finances/planning guy) knows exactly what is going on and I, the finance gal know that I am not having to do it all by myself without help. He has a clear idea, for example of what to do if I am hit by lightening. It keeps up on the same page on spending habits too. Right now, with me working PT certain things are off limits that we did not worry about before so we can stay on track with savings and such.

 

You have some debt and each month you are lending the federal government hundreds of dollars so that you get a windfall type refund. That makes no sense. You need that money now to pay off the debt and live on and learn to save without using the IRS like a personal savings account that pays zero interest.

 

What is the budget for the bonuses? Can that be applied to pay off the car and the debt?

Edited March 30, 2012 by kijipt

[cseitter]

We have paid off a lot of bills with the bonuses yes. My DH does make me feel that he is making the money and i have to account for every little cent. He does it in a joking manner and it still ticks me off. When I mention that it ticks me off he gets upset.

 

I will be honest here. My Dh makes $75K a year without bonuses. Our mortgage is about $2200 a month. We have gone over the budget together we are in the hole about $500 after all the bills are paid and the $250 is transferred.

 

I don't mean to make him sound like a tyrant. He does listen to me and he knows that groceries are alot. To him though the bills come first and we use what is left to eat on, have gas, etc. I think the opposite, that the food comes first with a reasonable budget then the bills. The gymnastics and gym come out of the household because he says they are "my bills" I use the gym and Ryleigh does gymnastics. The reason I got my cleaning job was to pay for Ryleigh's gymnastics and my protein. I guess my main problem is that I have to make due with what is left and do all the work (ie. couponing, make up dinners from nothing, etc) to make sure I hit budget. Maybe I am just being selfish and need to suck it up. I did offer to get a night job and he said "And who is suppose to cook dinner?" I just gave up after that. He wants me to be superwoman and its just not there....

[LucyStoner]

Divide your tax refund by 12. If you are getting a $3600 refund, that is $300 a month. Adjust your withholding so you either owe or are refunded a few hundred a year. Stop the refund thing and that goes a long way to filling the hole.

 

Can he and/or you work extra just until the cc and car debt are gone? That would take off some pressure for both of you, so short term it sucks but long term it is better. Asking for a raise if he is bring in contracts is also a good idea.

 

While it may seem less important in the day to day when you are running a deficit each month, it is important that you get to a budget that allows you to save for a rainy day and retirement. That means some proactive changes.

 

While your mortgage payments are high to your income (1/3 of gross), if you were debt free aside from the mortgage, your debt ratio would be much easier to live with. Make that your goal for now.

[BlsdMama]

His reasoning about not changing the taxes or calling his boss is because he says that what will we do later on when we really need money? That these things are like money in the bank. :confused: I don't get that.... We have enough money in the bank account now to pay off the van but he hasn't done it because he wants a "cushion"?

 

Sounds more like to me that this is a man who is very concerned that his family have a back-up plan. Bad childhood experience? You have me curious now.

 

A few things that might help.

 

He should go grocery shopping with you for a month. If he doesn't normally do it, then you and he have no discussion. How can he know what is reasonable and what isn't? Be prepared with a menu and a grocery list.

 

Keep track of your mileage to/from everywhere and your gas receipts. Mileage and cost of gas and seeing it in black/white is painful. I also have a 15 passenger van. I'd LOVE to get rid of her but it isn't going to happen and obviously she is necessary.

 

I think both of you need to see the equation. Maybe if you knew what HIS budget looked like then you'd find it easier to look at cutting expenses or activities if you knew it was necessary.

 

I don't know how anyone can set half of a budget by themselves without being aware of specifics like costs of things or income. My DH used to do all the budgeting but he also paid all the bills and went grocery shopping with me. Now that I do all of that I have to budget just purely because of time and awareness.

 

 

 

I will be honest here. My Dh makes $75K a year without bonuses. Our mortgage is about $2200 a month. We have gone over the budget together we are in the hole about $500 after all the bills are paid and the $250 is transferred.

 

 

Cough. Choke. There is your problem right there. That's a big house payment for the income. Claiming zero, my bet is that if you are paid bi-weekly that's over one whole paycheck. That's WAY too much going out in a house payment. WAY too much. If your paychecks (after taxes and / or any insurance premiums etc.) should be about $2100 or so bi-weekly. That means you have about $2K for expenses.

 

Guesstimating

 

Water - $60

Electric - $150

Gas - $150

Cells - $100

Gasoline for both vehicles and/or repairs misc - $300/mo

Groceries @ $150/week - $600

Car payment - $250 (didn't catch what yours is)

House insurance and/or car insurance - $140

Internet - $50

 

This is already $1800. You still owe the house payment about $100. That's $1900 of your other bi-weekly $2100.

 

That would leave $200 for miscellaneous things WITHOUT the $180 for the gym and the class. That is tight. If it were me, the house would be on the market by Monday or I'd seriously be considering it.

Edited March 30, 2012 by BlsdMama

[cseitter]

Sounds more like to me that this is a man who is very concerned that his family have a back-up plan. Bad childhood experience? You have me curious now.

 

A few things that might help.

 

He should go grocery shopping with you for a month. If he doesn't normally do it, then you and he have no discussion. How can he know what is reasonable and what isn't? Be prepared with a menu and a grocery list.

 

Keep track of your mileage to/from everywhere and your gas receipts. Mileage and cost of gas and seeing it in black/white is painful. I also have a 15 passenger van. I'd LOVE to get rid of her but it isn't going to happen and obviously she is necessary.

 

I think both of you need to see the equation. Maybe if you knew what HIS budget looked like then you'd find it easier to look at cutting expenses or activities if you knew it was necessary.

 

I don't know how anyone can set half of a budget by themselves without being aware of specifics like costs of things or income. My DH used to do all the budgeting but he also paid all the bills and went grocery shopping with me. Now that I do all of that I have to budget just purely because of time and awareness.

 

 

 

 

Cough. Choke. There is your problem right there. That's a big house payment for the income.

 

Completely agreed! we screwed up when we bought the house now we are about $100k upside down with no way out that we can see! We would love to sell the house and go back to smaller.

[DawnM]

Based on that alone you need to cut out some things, and again I will say I would start with gymnastics as that only serves ONE child and the gym (which you may be able to add back in later when you get your debts taken care of.)

 

Those two cuts equal almost $200. I assume that will also cut some gas out.

 

You cannot go into the hole $500/month and survive long term.

 

You are essentially house poor. It stinks I know. I often wish we had bought a less expensive house.

 

But, it is what it is and the only way to change your circumstances is to change your habits.

 

Believe me, we slept on the floor in the living room for 6 months one summer because we were trying to pay off debts and our upstairs a/c died on us and we were bound and determined to pay off debts AND pay for that a/c in CASH.

 

We cut out every extra we could, cut our eating out budget to about $60/mo (amazing how creative you can get when you have a low budget!) and we cut our grocery bill and only bought the sale items and planned.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!! But you will have to change some of your lifestyle.

 

Dawn

 

We have gone over the budget together we are in the hole about $500 after all the bills are paid and the $250 is transferred.

 

[justamouse]

Based on that alone you need to cut out some things, and again I will say I would start with gymnastics as that only serves ONE child and the gym (which you may be able to add back in later when you get your debts taken care of.)

 

Those two cuts equal almost $200. I assume that will also cut some gas out.

 

You cannot go into the hole $500/month and survive long term.

You are essentially house poor. It stinks I know. I often wish we had bought a less expensive house.

 

But, it is what it is and the only way to change your circumstances is to change your habits.

 

Believe me, we slept on the floor in the living room for 6 months one summer because we were trying to pay off debts and our upstairs a/c died on us and we were bound and determined to pay off debts AND pay for that a/c in CASH.

 

We cut out every extra we could, cut our eating out budget to about $60/mo (amazing how creative you can get when you have a low budget!) and we cut our grocery bill and only bought the sale items and planned.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!! But you will have to change some of your lifestyle.

 

Dawn

:iagree:

 

Wow, that's a lotta house. :grouphug:

 

Look, gymnastics has GOT to go. Stop feeling sorry for her, stop rationalizing it, she's 5, she can climb the doorways just like other five year olds. That's why God made doorways. :D AND, you are placing her needs above everyone else in the family. And the gym has got to go, too, because the most important thing is the family and getting out of debt. You are a TEAM. One person's wants is not more important than the team.

 

Tight budgets suck. They just do. But you can't have tantrums over them because IF you make yourself get your own way, it's only going to hurt the whole family in the long run.

 

You also have to stop telling yourself he makes a lot of $. He doesn't really when it's compared with that mortgage payment.

Edited March 30, 2012 by justamouse

[QueenCat]

I would sit down together and create a budget together. There is a limited amount of funds, and you both need to decide what to cut and what to keep. If you both value the items you listed, you may have to cut one of the other bills that your dh pays.

 

:iagree: Budgets need to be developed together. Not one spouse telling the other what the budget is to be. That will cause too much friction in the long run.

[LucyStoner]

Have you looked at the HARP refinance which allows you to refinance even if you are upside down?

 

Also, while it would hurt your credit you could reapply for a loan modification and stop paying the mortgage for a couple of months so they will get to your application. I know people who did this (they did not spend all of that money, just set it aside until the renegotiated amount came through.) I would care more about feeding my kids comfortably than about my credit score.

 

I know it is a long and tedious process, but something has to change here. In the alternative, see what it would take to get your income up to a workable amount with the mortgage- you really need an income into the low six figures to comfortably handle the house as it is. Even if you cut all of the non-essentials, the math does not work as is.

Edited March 30, 2012 by kijipt