Jump to content

Menu

Do a lot of us take our marriage/spouse for granted....


Recommended Posts

or just assume that it will always be?

 

My best friend of 18 years called me two days ago hysterical and in tears. Her husband came to her and said, "I'm not happy anymore." She was in shock (I was in shock as well). What immediately came to my mind is that there was another woman he was involved with in some way after everything she told me. Come to find out, my theory was correct. I feel so bad for her and this has really gotten me thinking. Of all the people I would have ever thought would be together forever, it was this couple! They met at 15 years old and have raised one child to adulthood, but still have a 5 year old at home. They have spent 22 years together which is more then half of her life. I have sometimes wondered what she would do if he ever up and left her because she has always depended upon him and knows nothing else. She doesn't really have any skills to fall back on to be able to support herself either which is scary.

 

Anyway, she recorded him and heard him telling another woman that he met on Facebook (that is also married) that he loves her. When she questioned him about it, of course he said it meant nothing and it's just a friendship. He is blaming the whole entire situation on her when he is the one that did wrong. Her self-esteem is dwindling down to nothing in all of 48 hours. They just had a house built on land they already had and moved into it literally THREE WEEKS AGO! The whole situation is just a mess. His 19 year old daughter will not even speak to him. The woman on FB isn't even someone he ever met. It's someone that he has spent hours on the phone with which is how he got so emotionally involved.

 

I'm on my second marriage and our 9 year anniversary is Wednesday. I guess I just always assume that this will never happen to me again.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is if I am the only one who assumes it will last forever!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I try very hard to not take it for granted. I have known several people that have divorced after 20 years together. I find that very scary. When our ds passed away in 2010, there was a moment when I actually told my dh that we were not going to make it through this. We were arguing over I can't even remember what. We both stopped and just stood there silent. It was a huge wake up hearing the actual words that "WE ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!" I can't put my finger on what changed exactly. I just know it changed. I also remember telling him that everyone was hugging me for support BUT him. Again, another huge thing. I guess we learned that we needed to talk it out - no matter how much it hurt. I think some days we couldn't be closer because of our pain, but I am not a fool to think that we don't have to work on it every. single. day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am guilty of taking my spouse for granted. I really try not to do this. I don't want to be one of those couples that decides to call it quits after a lifetime of marriage. Marriage is work and even after putting in all those hours sometimes it still is not enough to save it.

 

I am sorry your friend is going through this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is something that has been on my heart so much lately as my sister just divorced after nearly 30 years. Her husband was the last person on the face of the earth that I ever thought could/would have an affair. Yet he left her for a much-younger woman. It is crazy. I can't believe how much their divorce has devastated me - not so much for them, but for my own marriage. I keep thinking, "If there marriage wasn't safe..." I keep trying to talk to my husband about it, but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I'm saying he is going to cheat, which isn't it at all.

 

I try very hard to not take it for granted. I have known several people that have divorced after 20 years together. I find that very scary. When our ds passed away in 2010, there was a moment when I actually told my dh that we were not going to make it through this. We were arguing over I can't even remember what. We both stopped and just stood there silent. It was a huge wake up hearing the actual words that "WE ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!" I can't put my finger on what changed exactly. I just know it changed. I also remember telling him that everyone was hugging me for support BUT him. Again, another huge thing. I guess we learned that we needed to talk it out - no matter how much it hurt. I think some days we couldn't be closer because of our pain, but I am not a fool to think that we don't have to work on it every. single. day.
:grouphug:
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you have to assume it will last forever, otherwise there is no way it will. But yes I do think it will. I think DH and I are both aware that there may be times where we have to fight for our relationship (due to whatever life can bring).

 

Your friends story is heartbreaking, but so very common it seems.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have sometimes wondered what she would do if he ever up and left her because she has always depended upon him and knows nothing else. She doesn't really have any skills to fall back on to be able to support herself either which is scary.

 

I think many times it is easy to take our marriages for granted. It takes work to make sure the fire is still banked and can burst into flames at any moment. It is easy to fall into a daily grind and think all is well because we both just keep putting one foot in front of another.

 

The quoted part of your post really caught my attention. My dh and I have talked before about how important it is for both spouses to be learning new things and improving his/her foundation in life. It is easy for me to think that being a good wife means being totally devoted to dh and making him happy. And that does bring me fulfillment. But he also feels that way toward me so life is good. However, what also makes him happy is when he sees me growing in different areas of knowledge and personality. If I was not expanding my knowledge and pursuing my passions, it would be a drag on our marriage and not a good thing. Seeing me blossom in new things is definitely a part of keeping the fire burning in our marriage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is something that has been on my heart so much lately as my sister just divorced after nearly 30 years. Her husband was the last person on the face of the earth that I ever thought could/would have an affair. Yet he left her for a much-younger woman. It is crazy. I can't believe how much their divorce has devastated me - not so much for them, but for my own marriage. I keep thinking, "If there marriage wasn't safe..." I keep trying to talk to my husband about it, but he doesn't get it. He just thinks I'm saying he is going to cheat, which isn't it at all.

 

:grouphug:

I know exactly what you mean. It's hard when it hits so close to home. It really makes you rethink the way you have been doing things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that as couples approach the 20-25yr mark it becomes the hardest time in a marriage (often). You combine grown (or almost) grown kids, a marriage that is in a rut, a menopausal woman, a man going through a mid-life crisis and then, with life expectancy as it is, you think "And I have to put up with this for another 40 years!!???" It can be a recipe for some serious hardships.

 

I can't imagine what the death of a child or other serious upheavals can add to that mix.

 

I know it has been quite hard for my dh and I (It started closer to the 15yr mark). Everytime I think "We're past the hard part, maybe we can start enjoying each other again." Something comes up and it drags all those yucky emotions back with them. Perhaps it's easier for those who marry when they're older.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that as couples approach the 20-25yr mark it becomes the hardest time in a marriage (often). You combine grown (or almost) grown kids, a marriage that is in a rut, a menopausal woman, a man going through a mid-life crisis and then, with life expectancy as it is, you think "And I have to put up with this for another 40 years!!???" It can be a recipe for some serious hardships.

 

I can't imagine what the death of a child or other serious upheavals can add to that mix.

 

I know it has been quite hard for my dh and I (It started closer to the 15yr mark). Everytime I think "We're past the hard part, maybe we can start enjoying each other again." Something comes up and it drags all those yucky emotions back with them. Perhaps it's easier for those who marry when they're older.

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary, our 15th year together and I was ready to walk out 2 weeks ago. Do I take him for granted? Not nearly as much as he takes me for granted .
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I assume you don't really want commentary on the situation that fueled the question?

 

There is HUGE danger of online relationships. They create a false intimacy, but still create "new love" chemicals and obsession. Sick stuff.

 

Ok, that aside:

 

No, I don't take my marriage for granted. I fought for every bit of the 14 years of my first marriage, and fight daily for this one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that I don't verbalize appreciation of my husband like I should... I feel it... I think it... I just don't talk much about it to him.

 

So, this year I am working diligently on my communication skills with him. I am going to try to tell him one thing a week that I'd rather not tell him (I bottle a lot up and tell someone else). And I am going to try to connect with him daily in a simple, sweet way... whether it's a extra long gaze with a smile, a genuine "Thank you for all you do" or some such little thing. And I am very lucky... he is so kind, thoughtful and good to me!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some definitions I found for "taking for granted"

 

If you take something for granted, you don't worry or think about it because you assume you will always have it. If you take someone for granted, you don't show your appreciation to them.

 

 

take somebody for granted

to not show that you are grateful to someone for helping you or that you are happy they are with you, often because they have helped you or been with you so often

 

take something for granted

 

to expect something to be available all the time and forget that you are lucky to have it

 

 

take somebody for granted

to fail to appreciate someone

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think my husband or I take each other or our marriage for granted. I know that despite our vows and committment to each other that another woman could always come along... and he knows another man could as well. We do our utmost (most of the time ;) ) to keep each other happy and content so that we don't have to worry about the 'what if's'.

 

We'll have been married 10 years in August and so far, so good.

 

I feel horribly sad for your friend. I think as women that is something many of us (especially those that devote their lives to their families) fear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I try very hard to not take it for granted. I have known several people that have divorced after 20 years together. I find that very scary. When our ds passed away in 2010, there was a moment when I actually told my dh that we were not going to make it through this. We were arguing over I can't even remember what. We both stopped and just stood there silent. It was a huge wake up hearing the actual words that "WE ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!" I can't put my finger on what changed exactly. I just know it changed. I also remember telling him that everyone was hugging me for support BUT him. Again, another huge thing. I guess we learned that we needed to talk it out - no matter how much it hurt. I think some days we couldn't be closer because of our pain, but I am not a fool to think that we don't have to work on it every. single. day.

 

I sorta felt like I need to add that we are in a much better place than we were 20 months ago. We have been together for 25 years. I guess I am trying to say that I believe that it takes lots of work to keep communicating and getting through life to make it. Otherwise - yes - I can see how this happens to couples that have been together for a long time. It is really sad, but life can be really sad and that is sometimes just part of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope your friend pushes for counseling before anything is decided. If nothing else, then need to work things out so they can co-parent. Personally it sounds like he's got a nice fantasy about hat being single will be like, and he may regret his attitude when reality comes a callin'.

 

Of course you weren't really asking for advice for your friend. :p As to your question, dh take our relationship as a given. But we also talk about how we know our marriage is the foundation for our kid's sense of security and happiness. So we do keep it a priority. We've been married 10 years now, and it's never felt like "work". We've never done date nights, I think we've gone out as a couple once in the last 4 years. On the other hand, we talk every day, sharing things that happened, things we've read, things that interest us -- not just about the kids. As I go thru every day I'm thinking about what little things I can do to make dh's life easier, maybe doing some chore he usually does. And I know he does the same thing. Every day. We both wake up every day feeling we got the best end of the deal, that we were the lucky one, and that shows in how we treat each other. I really thing that is the key. At least it is for us. So far. Doesn't mean we're perfect. I'm loathing V'day next week because he doesn't. get. it. He's awesome with every day stuff, but not good with holidays. LOL He's ruined more than one blouse trying to "help" me with laundry, and his mother is a nightmare. I'm sure I have my moments, too. ;)

 

I do think partly it's compatibility and I agree age/exp helps. We were both married before (no kids), so we know what a bad marriage is. We know what it is like to work hard for something that will never really work. I think that's why we appreciate what we have so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

:iagree: I can go along with this statement, though we've only been married for six and a half years. We've been through some SERIOUS stuff that would make many a couple split up, but we're still truckin' along and I truly believe that the worst is behind us. Our marriage definitely still needs work, but we are committed for the long haul and I have no reason to think any more bumps that come along will do anything other than make us work harder.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope your friend pushes for counseling before anything is decided. If nothing else, then need to work things out so they can co-parent. Personally it sounds like he's got a nice fantasy about hat being single will be like, and he may regret his attitude when reality comes around.

I've told my friend all the same things as you just stated. I think he has "the grass is greener" thing going on right now since he has never dated anyone else before meeting her.

 

I'm not sure about the counseling before calling it quits. In the last 48 hours so much has happened, so many nasty names have been called, and a ton of hurtful things have been done that would be very hard to be forgiven. He already moved out last night. As he walked out the door, he yelled back at his 19 year old daughter "to kiss his ass" which is very out of character for him. She was yelling and screaming at him for walking out on their family. It's very very sad. I believe the decision to be apart has already been made and at this point, they are probably all better off that way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I try not to take my marriage for granted, but it is hard, especially for a homeschooling mom. We put so much time and energy into educating our children that our husbands can get pushed on to a back burner.

 

Dh and I will have been married 12 years on the 18th. I try to point out all the things I love about him on a weekly basis. He needs words of affirmation. When I have to be out of the house for church commitments, I tell him how much I appreciate him taking over for me without complaint. I tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he picks up my slack. (I'm a terrible cook.) I tell him how much I appreciate him going to work every day, sometimes working way too much overtime, so I can stay home with the kids. When he has to go back to work after a (scheduled) week off, I offer to break his leg so he can just hang out with us.:lol:. That's a carry-over from me offering to break his leg so he wouldn't have to go on a six-month deployment.

 

He does the same for me. He just booked us for a romantic weekend at a B&B for our anniversary. He totally found childcare all on his own. He cooks when he knows I've had a bad day. He forces me to leave the house, alone, when I've reached my limit with my sweet angels. He is my best friends. He keeps me from shooting people and/or slashing their tires.

 

Despite all that, the worst could happen to us. We are not as toned, ahem;), as we were when we got married. We have both grown in incredible, unexpected ways. The teA service does not come nearly as often as it used to. Luckily, we both know that marriage isn't for sissies. It takes work. A lot of work. All the time. Sometimes I have to talk to the punk when he is acting like an idiot. He has to talk to me when I am acting like a psychotic shrew.;)

 

We are not immune to disaster, despite all our work. But we will make darn sure we work on our marriages every day of our lives, even when the other one is acting like an idiot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've told my friend all the same things as you just stated. I think he has "the grass is greener" thing going on right now since he has never dated anyone else before meeting her.

 

I'm not sure about the counseling before calling it quits. In the last 48 hours so much has happened, so many nasty names have been called, and a ton of hurtful things have been done that would be very hard to be forgiven. He already moved out last night. As he walked out the door, he yelled back at his 19 year old daughter "to kiss his ass" which is very out of character for him. She was yelling and screaming at him for walking out on their family. It's very very sad. I believe the decision to be apart has already been made and at this point, they are probably all better off that way.

 

Sounds like he had some even less realistic expectations about what would happen when he told his family. Did he think they would say, "oh, I'm so sorry you aren't happy. We understand. Go and find your bliss! Anything we can do to help?" :confused1:

 

That sort of self-absorption probably means parts of him never fully grew up. I think that *can* be a danger of getting married so early: you stop working on yourself to work on "us" and then you start having a family...What a sad mess. :sad:

 

PS: Just because it happened to your friend, doesn't mean it will happen to you.

Edited by ChandlerMom
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I sorta felt like I need to add that we are in a much better place than we were 20 months ago. We have been together for 25 years. I guess I am trying to say that I believe that it takes lots of work to keep communicating and getting through life to make it. Otherwise - yes - I can see how this happens to couples that have been together for a long time. It is really sad, but life can be really sad and that is sometimes just part of it.

 

:grouphug: In June of 2010, I had a friend who lost her 21 month old in a tragic drowning accident. This poor child was the youngest of 8. This couple was truly an example to everyone. A few months after the accident, dw filed for divorce, despite the fact that she was pregnant with #9. It was a shock to everyone in our small community. Thankfully, this couple worked through their issues and a now back together. Losing a child does a real number on a marriage. Dh and I experienced 2 miscarriages in 4 months. We went through a really dark time. Very dark. Like I've said before, marriage isn't for sissies.:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

marriage isn't for sissies.:grouphug:

 

 

True. My MO is based on "hope for best, but always prepare for the worst." I am always pleased when good things go right, but it is my nature never to expect that, ever.

 

I do not take my dh for granted, but I do quite firmly and surely know that he will always be there for me, as I will for him. I realize that I am contradicting myself somewhat, but I don't have the time for a novel length post on why I know this, nor do I want to give up that much personal info.

 

Suffice it to say: this is it. No doubt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope this OK to post here.

 

Please tell your friend to visit http://www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

She will be safe there and find support in dealing with this from people who have been through this and survived.

 

His behavior is very common when caught in an affair, she is not alone.

 

So many of us have been there. There is hope.

 

I'm very sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

Beautifully said. This is how marriage should work. This is the ideal. This is what I once thought I had.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

I agree with this. Some people seem not to be able to ride out the more minor bad times though, they can't see them as temporary phase in a relationship.

 

Recently two of my friends split with husbands that went to went so far down the road of taking them for granted they couldn't do anything but end the marriage. One friends husband basically disengaged from his family more and more over several years, lived in the same house but was up at night asleep in the day (not working), didn't engage with the kids at all, started an online affair and eventually left to live with his new girlfriend and has now moved to the other end of the country on the spur of the moment without any plans to visit his kids or support them financially. His excuse to her was that she was busy with kids, they have 4 so of course she is busy without his help.

 

The other friend left her husband when he took her for granted to the point of her basically ending up as his parent, they had no adult relationship left and she just couldn't do it all. She tried be the main breadwinner, look after the kids, home educate, do everything keeping their home required, be the family stability and meet his needs whilst her husband did absolutely nothing when he could have done his share. He dragged her down mentally. That rather simplifies it but it covers the gist but their relationship had been over for years by the time they split up.

 

My husband did a couple of minor stupid things a couple of years ago that were a bit of a wake up call. Its so easy to place each other in roles which are negative but not real, in as much as the husband can think his wife is caught up in kids and ignoring him and the wife can feel like her husband doesn't care when they are both just surviving their commitments. Then you kind of can't move beyond that because it colours you view so much it's really hard to even see the person you married is still there.

Edited by lailasmum
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not jealous enough to get us driven apart by something as cheating.

We have an open marriage. When he's happy, I'm happy.

But I guess I take it for granted. Like in "he will always be there". I can't imagine him not to be here...

 

 

Very interesting, Tapas!

 

I try not to take my dh for granted, but I know it happens at times. One of the reasons for me pursuing a degree and my own career is I don't want him to take me for granted, either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

You're exactly right that it is not an excuse. However, these things don't happen overnight. And emotional attachment can start very easily if we don't guard against it. That is the "not taking it for granted" I see necessary. That each spouse guards his/her heart, not that the other spouse lives in fear all the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do not take my DH for granted, and DH does not take me for granted either - not at all.

I think perhaps because my DH is military, and I have spent long nights wondering if it was his helicopter that crashed in Afghanistan - wondering if there would be a knock at my door... We have known many, many people who have died, and seen the grief of the families.

We actively work to make each other feel loved and happy. Not because we fear the other will leave us - but because we love each other - and want each other to be happy and feel loved. We know life is short, and value all the time we have together.

Do we fight? Sure - we are exact opposites and are trying to raise two teens :) We disagree on many things, and struggle with our own issues - but 99% of the time we remember that while we may not know the number- could be 10 - could be 10,000- our days together are numbered... not because we may leave each other but because some day we will die. We all die.

We believe somehow we will be together after death - but the here and now is rather nice and we were given this time to enjoy together and so we plan to make the most of it :)

Edited by SailorMom
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, certainly not in the last four years. We have been through a lot together. We are still going through it- it isn't about our issues but the serious medical issues of our kids. Right now the situation is particularly hard on me since I am in the house with the people and he travels a lot and then goes to work while I get worn down by negativity that displays itself over and over again. But it isn't dh that is doing it and I have made it a goal for myself to get out of the house so I don't get too dragged down.

 

I wouldn't be tempted to cheat anyway just because I live with two depressives. It isn't my dh and he is one of the two sunshines in my life- the other being my college daughter. I know how he deals with the stress of the home situation and also the stressful work- he reads, he listens to music, he watches Teaching company lectures, he woodworks. I talk to you all, talk to others via facebook or email (all females), read, get involved in political campaigns, garden, take care of animals.

 

We have been married for 26 1/2 years and I married a guy that I am sure has the gene for non-cheating. (see Incognito, pages 96-100). I hope that by the time my dds are marrying there is a genetic test for this but they should date long enough to be able to tell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do not take my DH for granted, and DH does not take me for granted either - not at all.

I think perhaps because my DH is military, and I have spent long nights wondering if it was his helicopter that crashed in Afghanistan - wondering if there would be a knock at my door... We have known many, many people who have died, and seen the grief of the families.

 

 

My DH is Army and I feel the same way....he just returned from his third year long deployment and that sure helps keep us appreciating each other! Add that to the constant 3 weeks here and month there for training and it puts us in the mindset of truly cherishing our time together and aspiring to find joy in the mundane everyday things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was lying awake last night thinking about this. Yes, sometimes I do take my husband for granted. There was nothing in particular that made me realize this, just an awareness that he is so kind, loving, giving, and sweet that he would go on pouring himself out for me for a long, long time, whether or not I "gave back" enough in return. Due to his nature (generous) and my nature (a bit too project-focused... okay, okay, obsessive-compulsive, LOL), I need to STOP and THINK and make it an intentional, planned PRIORITY to do something that truly ministers to him DAILY.

 

Daily. Usually this involves food, ;) but it could be something as simple as sewing the button on his shirt (finally) or hemming up his scrubs (always too long) or filing that stack of papers/paid bills or actually remembering to take my phone out of my purse to charge it (he does this for me) or simply getting to bed on time (he needs more rest than I do). One thing I did recently that I know he appreciated was tell him to go join a gym -- he really wanted to start working out, but we have no room in our home. So now he feels free to get in better shape. He was glad about that.

 

I need to let him know DAILY how much I enjoy being his wife. I honestly believe that with all he does for us, he's trying to be a wonderful husband. And he is. Dear Lord, help me not to take this man for granted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm on my second marriage and our 9 year anniversary is Wednesday. I guess I just always assume that this will never happen to me again.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is if I am the only one who assumes it will last forever!

 

I'm the same way. I'm married a 2nd time and we've been married 16 years, more than twice as long as I was married the first time around. Without really thinking about it, I guess I do take my marriage for granted because I hurt enough in the first divorce that I feel like I've paid my dues and should enjoy lifetime membership in the marriage club now! However, both my DH and I know that there are things that are very different from our first marriages and we attribute those things as being the reasons we're happily married. In other words, we are using the knowledge we gained from the failed marriages to aid in the success of ours. I just asked my DH and he agreed that we both take for granted a certain amount because of the very grounding of our marriage. We have a very deep respect and trust in one another and we're really good at keeping communication open all of the time. These are things that didn't seem to be too prominent in our first marriages.

 

As we've seen in a recent thread though, we need to be careful because there are people who think that because we're divorced once that we don't deserve to believe in happily ever after because we obviously didn't care about it before. I didn't go into either marriage thinking I had an 'out' (divorce). But I learned that just saying 'I do' isn't enough. My first marriage was more talking the talk but my 2nd marriage is most definitely walking the walk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At times both of us do. Personally last year was a bit of a rough one here. Nothing big was going on but just emotionally rough on both of our ends. I told dh that only one of us is allowed to be grumpy at one time, it doesn't work well when both of us are! We both do try to give to each other and have had many brutally honest conversations about what we both need and want. We have both changed so much since getting married it is amazing that we have both ended up in the same place. It is interesting that I have read that often times there are certain years in marriage that are usually rougher than others and that has held true here. IIRC around year 3, 7 and last year at 12 were more challenging times- growing pains.

 

My Uncle's wife of 20+ yrs left him for an internet fling last year. It seems to be a more and more common occurrence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

That's how I feel, too.

 

I have to admit that I don't quite understand the statements about "fighting every day for your marriage," or how it's a "constant battle" or "so much hard work" to keep your marriage strong. Frankly, it sounds like an awful lot of trouble, and if it took that much effort on a daily basis, I think I might be questioning whether or not I was with the right person.

 

I don't fight for it. It just "is." I trust my dh to do the right thing, and he trusts me. I don't think I have ever been in a battle to save my marriage. If my dh ever cheated on me or was abusive, I wouldn't be fighting for the marriage; I'd be kicking him to the curb and calling my attorney. And he knows it. :tongue_smilie:

 

Of course, every couple faces hardships and crises together, but again, the key word is "together."

 

Will my marriage last forever? I have no idea. We've been married for 18 years (just like Danestress!) and it's still good. I don't really spend time wondering where we'll be in a few years or worrying about all of the "what ifs." Maybe that's part of why we're still together. (And I hope I didn't just jinx myself... ;))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't read all the replies so forgive me if I rehash things already covered.

 

I assume my marriage will last forever. I think part of that is because dh is military. We're approaching the 15 year mark of our marriage and I think it's as solid as it is because of the US Navy. The Navy essentially tests our marriage every 12-18 months. We're currently going through our 7th deployment and each one seems to be longer, the one before this was 8 months and then the other 4 months were a lot of time spent in and out of port his was home a whole 96 days that calendar year.

 

I think if this marriage was going to fall apart it would have by now considering how much he's been gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

That's how I feel, too.

 

I have to admit that I don't quite understand the statements about "fighting every day for your marriage," or how it's a "constant battle" or "so much hard work" to keep your marriage strong.

 

I don't fight for it. It just "is." I trust my dh to do the right thing, and he trusts me. I don't think I have ever been in a battle to save my marriage. If my dh ever cheated on me or was abusive, I wouldn't be fighting for the marriage; I'd be kicking him to the curb and calling my attorney. And he knows it. :tongue_smilie:

 

Of course, every couple faces hardships and crises together, but again, the key word is "together."

 

Will my marriage last forever? I have no idea. We've been married for 18 years (just like Danestress!) and it's still good. I don't really spend time wondering where we'll be in a few years or worrying about all of the "what ifs." Maybe that's part of why we're still together. (And I hope I didn't just jinx myself... ;))

 

I think I may have said something about fighting for my marriage, or at least working on it. Like a few other posters have mentioned, my dh was in the Navy for 10 years. We really had to work on communication because he was constantly gone. That's what I mean by working on my marriage. We had to work through long-term separations. We had to work through so much stuff. I personally have to move outside of my comfort zone and give him those words of affirmation. He has to move outside of his comfort zone and actually say more than 2 words. We work hard every day because I don't only want to be married, I want to be happily married. Neither of us look at a long, terrible marriage as some sort of merit badge to be earned. We want to be happy, and we want to make the other one happy.

 

And I have thoroughly explained to my dh that if he ever wants a newer model to drive, it would be much cheaper to fix up the one he has.;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to admit that I don't quite understand the statements about "fighting every day for your marriage," or how it's a "constant battle" or "so much hard work" to keep your marriage strong. Frankly, it sounds like an awful lot of trouble, and if it took that much effort on a daily basis, I think I might be questioning whether or not I was with the right person.

 

It is not that I spend every waking moment thinking about how to make my marriage strong, it is that I have to make an effort to think about how my actions will affect my marriage. For example: Many nights by the time dh gets home from work I am done. I am in my pjs and I just want to watch tv and be left alone. It is an effort for me to be chatty and delightful at 10pm. Many nights I don't make the effort. After many nights of this I will notice that he no longer wants to talk to me when he gets home. He will go right on the computer and ignore me. One can say this is what I wanted in the first place but it can also be perceived as the first glimmer of indifference to whether or not I am there. Where indifference settles in contempt is not too far behind. This is me fighting for my marriage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I took vows 18 years ago, and I think my DH should be able to rest comfortably in the belief that I meant it, that I am an honorable woman, and that he doesn't have to work hard to make me stay true to that vow. That doesn't mean he should be able to mistreat me or be insensitive, but I don't think he should cultivate an insecurity about my loyalty. I think he should take it for granted that I will stick around.

 

Likewise, I do take DH for granted. I absolutely think we will be in this for the long run. He's been an honorable, dependable man at every turn, and I have no reason to think he's going to become a turd at this point.

 

That doesn't mean I get to ignore him, let myself go physically, or otherwise abuse his love and trust. We treat our marriage as something precious, that we have to feed with time, love, attention, and energy.

 

But if one of us has a bad spell - is absorbed with work or child rearing and is a bit distant for a while - that is not an excuse for the other one to start courting online. Gross.

 

 

:iagree:completely

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am in agreement with those who say it doesn't have to be so hard.

 

I didn't get married until I was 29. Most of my friends were married. They all told me I was TOO PICKY. Um, no, just haven't found the one God has for me yet.

 

We both believe God put us together for a reason and we both are committed to God and to each other. We are NOT perfect. We have had a couple of serious fights in our marriage and many more minor fights. We are humans and we are selfish beings often times.

 

However, we love each other and try to honor our commitment to each other.

 

I don't want diamonds. I don't want flowers, I don't want "stuff." I want HIM, time with him, attention from him, and words of affirmation that he still loves me. I give the same.

 

Dawn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think to an extent, we do.

 

We both count on the other one being there, period. And figure if there's a problem, someone will speak up, and give effort to fixing whatever the issue is.

 

To me, I'm not sure 'taking for granted' is quite the term...But I'm at a loss to come up w/another.

 

I trust that he's going to be there, no matter what, and he does the same for me. I suppose that would be considered 'taking for granted', but I couldn't survive if I had a nagging doubt in my head, if I ever had to wonder if he'd walk.

 

We expect certain things from each other on a daily basis w/out talking about it...we take it for granted that we'll each do what we're supposed to.

 

I don't know if it's as it should be, but it works for us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't take my husband for granted. We both have our roles to fill. He does his job and I do mine. If I didn't show up for my part, then, I think I would be taking him for granted. I know this sounds like a buisness proposition, but you know what I mean. I have read so many books and jumped through so many hoops over the years, and I have just come to the realization that I am here for good. I do my very best that I can- every.single.day. It does not involve wining and dining my husband, or greeting him at the door in lingerie, or date nights. I have kids and that's not realistic and personally, I just don't think that is my responsibility. As grown ups, don't we all realize there is a time for THAT and then there is a time for THIS. The day to day living that has to be done? We've been together for 20yrs this year. Married for 16. We've grown up together really. I know all his issues as he knows mine. He also knows my character. He knows I'm here, I'm not a cheater, I'm a God fearing, Christian woman that does her best. I also realize that he isn't always happy with 'where' I put in my all, and I work on that. I try to always keep communication open.

 

I just want to add a very important point here. I don't think your friend had any way of preparing for this sort of thing. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She was blown away- and beautiful I might add! I think that as much as it's not popular to admit this- can't we just say that some guys are really jerks!? Even if she wasn't the most attentive wife, he doesn't have the right to do that. To treat her that way. He made a commitment. She has no business owning this. If there was something lacking their marriage, he owed her the opportunity to work on it, or divorce her. He had NO right to start a relationship BEFORE that point. I think that is so disrespectful. A friend once said, "men ONLY leave when they've met someone else!". YOu know what? I think she is right. I don't think I've ever met a man that left b/c he was JUST unhappy. I'm sure they are out there, but when her theory was put to the test, I have to admit it was accurate in my experiences with couples.

 

I think your friend is obviously better off not having him around her. I mean what a loser to talk to his child like that. In my opinion, it's just a complete act of selfishness. The trail of destruction he is living behind is sad. I hope that they find a good support system, but I do believe that she is better knowing this now. She has time to still make changes and be a happy woman!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...