amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I have a lot of difficulty making myself a priority. For almost 18 years I have been putting the kids first. Dh has a job he loves, but his company is being bought, and the new owners are not people he would work well with. There is a chance the new owners wil sell parts of the business, so dh might end up working for anyone. He is going to wait and see because if they actually let him go, he would get $60,000 in severance. I'm encouraging him to line up other job offers now. One job I want him to apply for is as a programs director for a research group. It is mostly administrative work which he doesn't love, but it pays well and has very good job security and opportunity to advance to a job that he would love. One perk would be 3-4 international trips per year Now, after all of that setup, finally my question. Would it be reasonable for me to tell dh that I will go with him on some of the trips and on others he might take a child with him for special one on one time? I would have an 18 year old daughter here at home who would be happy to care for the other children. Is it reasonable to take regular time away with my husband alone? He has been waiting an awfully long time for it to be his turn with me again. I know that it would really change his feelings about the job if I suggested I would be willing to accompany him. It just feels a little odd to think of leaving my children at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 No, not selfish. You are at a new stage in your life where this sort of thing is now possible. Enjoy it! (I would have to tell myself the same thing because I would have the same weird feeling.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I think it is perfectly lovely to have time alone with your husband; but I wouldn't leave youngers under the care of an 18 year old while I traveled internationally :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Now, after all of that setup, finally my question. Would it be reasonable for me to tell dh that I will go with him on some of the trips and on others he might take a child with him for special one on one time? . telling? 1) yes 2)telling? no - suggestion would be okay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Sounds great! I would try to have a neighbor or relative 'on call' in case of emergencies (broken arms, etc) and to check in daily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I think the one-on-one time would be awesome, but I'm not certain I would be comfortable leaving a 2/3 yr old and 5/6 yr old at home with just older teens. My dd19 is very trustworthy and responsible but my youngest is 13 yrs. old. I would be afraid of how the 2 younger children will react to mom not being home. I guess it would depend on the length of these trips. The kids could probably do a few days but beyond that, I would be more worried about them then me. And, fwiw, I know I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from my small children. I hated overnight stays when they were that age! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 yes, that would be a nice perk for him to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 We do have a neighbor close by. There are also adults who would be happy to stay with the kids, but that would just interfere with dd's routines and cause her to be stressed. I do not at all understand the comment about telling versus a suggestion. Are you saying that I might be inviting myself somewhere where my presence isnt wanted? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwjx2khsmj Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 (edited) For you to desire to travel with dh is definitely a reasonable thing. Your expectation that his international business trip will be a time for the two of you may not be so reasonable. Find out what international travel looks like for that particular company before you get your heart set on it. My dh travels frequently for business and I choose not to go with him. His travel is usually booked only a week or two before the trip making the plane fare for me pretty expensive. Also when he travels, he is there for business. He goes to work in the morning, usually has dinner meetings and gets back to the hotel after 8pm. Unless I wanted to sightsee on my own I'd spend the day in a hotel room. The only time we'd spend together would be on the plane ride. I also would never send a child along on one of his business trips. It wouldn't be special one-on-one time at all. We've found it works much better to bank his frequent flier miles and travel where we choose at our leisure. Edited December 31, 2011 by rwjx2khsmj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I think it is perfectly lovely to have time alone with your husband; but I wouldn't leave youngers under the care of an 18 year old while I traveled internationally :grouphug: :iagree: I have seen this in real life. Mom goes off for days, little ones watch cartoons 18 hours a day, older kids hook up with boyfriends/girlfriends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 We do have a neighbor close by. There are also adults who would be happy to stay with the kids, but that would just interfere with dd's routines and cause her to be stressed. I do not at all understand the comment about telling versus a suggestion. Are you saying that I might be inviting myself somewhere where my presence isnt wanted? I'm not the pp, but I would think that *my* husband would prefer that I discuss/suggest this to him, rather than tell him. It's quite possible, for me and my dh, that there would be some reason I hadn't considered/didn't know about that would make me going with dh impossible/undesireable/what have you. All dh's are different, and you know your's best. I'm sure you didn't mean "I will simply inform dh that I WILL be accompanying him"; I think most of us would know that might not go over so well. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 We have all gone with dh on these trips before my youngest two were born, so I know what to expect. All I can say about the comments about cartoons and "hooking up" is that I know my children better than anyone else, and I trust them more than any adult. They absolutely would not do anything we did not approve of. I can not convince a stranger that does not know us, but I have no worries at all about my kids' behavior when I am not here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 If you can plan the trips out in advance, I think it would be very reasonable to do. And when I was 18, I could have easily handled being home with the other sibs. In fact, when I was 18, my mom dropped my then 9 & 10 year old siblings off at my dorm for 5 days while visiting colleges with another sister. Not the same situation as you have, but I always took care of my little sibs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 You also would need to finds out company policy ad to whether spouses can go on these trips. Sometimes they are not allowed even if they pay their own way. I don't think it is selfish at all, and you know your children. I am sure you would take care of medical power of attorneys and the details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 These comments about asking/suggesting are so forieign to me. We used to travel as a family with dh on his business trips and it was his favorite part of homeschooling. We must have a very different relationship than some other posters. My dh just wants to be with me. If I said, "honey, tonight is new years eve. Let's lock the kids out of the bathroom, and clean toilets together." he would say, "great idea". We have been married almost 20 years. I really do know what he wants. For the sake of this thread, though let's assume I say "hey hon, I just want to let you know that if you ever want me to go with you on a trip, I'd sure be willing to do it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 (edited) My dh begs me to go. lol Free hotel. Free food. Zillions of FFM. I love to sight-see on my own as well. When I've gone, I've never been upset that we aren't together all day. It's not a vacation, it's an opportunity for hotel sex and getting a break. With room service. :) I don't go as often as I'd like because I don't want to leave the care of my youngest to my older children too often because there is a lot of driving to music and ballet, plus they aren't responsible for hsing her. They have their own work to do. Currently it's not easy to travel as frequently as we would both like. My olders are totally protective of their little sibling. The last time we were gone they made pasta- by hand, chicken soup etc. There were Banagram tournaments. There's no funny business here when we aren't here. That's not how our family rolls, that's not how my kids roll. Edited December 31, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 I love you, Library Lover. I do know the company policy and that is not an issue. I'm able to pay my own air fare. That is not a issue. My only real concern is if taking time away from the kids (when I know they are well cared for and comfortable in their own home) seems reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I would say, yes. I totally understand about the older kids watching the youngers. They know the routine and the rules better than anyone else. We have done that many times. I would have an adult on call for emergencies. It sounds like a great opportunity to get some time with your dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 DH has traveled for work a little and we've always gone with him. We LOVE it. If you think your children could handle it well, I think it's wonderful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Back at you. Now go and have fun. Buy some pretty unmentionables. :D I love you, Library Lover. I do know the company policy and that is not an issue. I'm able to pay my own air fare. That is not a issue. My only real concern is if taking time away from the kids (when I know they are well cared for and comfortable in their own home) seems reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 All I can say about the comments about cartoons and "hooking up" is that I know my children better than anyone else, and I trust them more than any adult. They absolutely would not do anything we did not approve of. I can not convince a stranger that does not know us, but I have no worries at all about my kids' behavior when I am not here. That's great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I would do it in a heartbeat! I don't think it's selfish at all!! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 Back at you. Now go and have fun. Buy some pretty unmentionables. :D I don't want him to have a heart attack or anything! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 It's reasonable. It's a wonderful perk, and I wouldn't hesitate to point it out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 (edited) It's reasonable. It's a wonderful perk, and I wouldn't hesitate to point it out! That's right. A perk, a bennie. When spouses travel frequently, it's good to stay upbeat. Whenever I hear of yet another trip of 6 or 8k or whatever miles of 6 or more days, I get that pang of "Dang, gone again!" These days my next thought is "Ok! More FFM and hotel points for the family." Our eldest was able to fly to Europe twice this year with FFM. Sure it would be nice if he didn't travel so often, but then he would be unemployed. Making lemonade from lemons is a wonderful thing. :auto: (There is no plane icon lol.) Edited December 31, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kertie Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 [quote=amy g.;3457935 Is it reasonable to take regular time away with my husband alone? I believe it's important to take regular time away with your dh. It's good for everyone--including the kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Sounds like a good plan to me. Go for it! Not selfish at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 yes, I think it is resonable. I am in the same situation where we are considering me taking the time to travel with my dh and leave kids at home. But my youngest are a bit older than your youngest. Is there an adult who could take the littles during the day? Or a relative who could come stay while you are gone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 My dh begs me to go. lol Free hotel. Free food. Zillions of FFM. I love to sight-see on my own as well. When I've gone, I've never been upset that we aren't together all day. It's not a vacation, it's an opportunity for hotel sex and getting a break. With room service. :) I don't go as often as I'd like because I don't want to leave the care of my youngest to my older children too often because there is a lot of driving to music and ballet, plus they aren't responsible for hsing her. They have their own work to do. Currently it's not easy to travel as frequently as we would both like. My olders are totally protective of their little sibling. The last time we were gone they made pasta- by hand, chicken soup etc. There were Banagram tournaments. There's no funny business here when we aren't here. That's not how our family rolls, that's not how my kids roll. I would say, yes. I totally understand about the older kids watching the youngers. They know the routine and the rules better than anyone else. We have done that many times. I would have an adult on call for emergencies. It sounds like a great opportunity to get some time with your dh. :iagree: With all the above. I do know the company policy and that is not an issue. I'm able to pay my own air fare. That is not a issue. My only real concern is if taking time away from the kids (when I know they are well cared for and comfortable in their own home) seems reasonable. When I was 17 & 18, Mom and Dad left me with my younger siblings to watch quite a bit. We usually had a good time. It also helped when I became a parent. I knew diapers, bottles, bedtime, and had even sat up all night with a sick child. :001_smile: Go and have fun. :auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I am in principle opposed to this type of arrangements. I would personally not leave a young underage child under the care of a sibling while I was away abroad, even if the children were not opposed to that kind of arrangement and even if they were very responsible - only in some extreme circumstances, an urgent need to go abroad, would I do so. If I were looking at the ages only of your oldest two or three, I would be inclined to do so from time to time, but with the little ones in the mix, *for me*, it would feel wrong to ask my older children to do what is, essentially, my job as a mother. They would have to non-stop care for the little ones and babysit them during that period, perhaps they would have to forgo some of their own personal plans, and *for me*, it is not okay to put a teenager into that situation unless an emergency, even if they consent. YMMV. On the other hand, I would be okay with dropping the little ones off to family or even close family friends (i.e. to other adults in their lives), as a special kind of arrangement, without my being abroad interefering with my older kids' lives. I dropped my kids all the time when we traveled, and often they traveled without us, and sometimes with us, but always in those kinds of arrangements. I would also have no problem with having an older child or two travel with dad. But, leaving five kids at home, only one of whom is of the age of majority and two of whom are really, well, small, and need particular care, nope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I did my first overseas trip with DH last summer. I left my kids with my sister, but my oldest was only 16, can't drive, so that wasn't an option. It was awesome! I can't wait to do it again. We went to Thessaloniki, Greece and Rome, Italy. I am planning Paris for the next trip. (DH works for a company whose headquarters are in Valise, France.) So my vote is yes! (Oh, and I told my DH that I would go to France with him.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 For you to desire to travel with dh is definitely a reasonable thing. Your expectation that his international business trip will be a time for the two of you may not be so reasonable. Find out what international travel looks like for that particular company before you get your heart set on it. My dh travels frequently for business and I choose not to go with him. His travel is usually booked only a week or two before the trip making the plane fare for me pretty expensive. Also when he travels, he is there for business. He goes to work in the morning, usually has dinner meetings and gets back to the hotel after 8pm. Unless I wanted to sightsee on my own I'd spend the day in a hotel room. The only time we'd spend together would be on the plane ride. I also would never send a child along on one of his business trips. It wouldn't be special one-on-one time at all. We've found it works much better to bank his frequent flier miles and travel where we choose at our leisure. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I have no idea what I would do because my kids are young and right now I am still really weird about leaving them anywhere for very long. But, I think YOU should go for it!!! You do know your kids and your kids know each other and the routines. Just "knowing" your oldest from FB and what you've said on here, I am confident she would do a great job with the youngers. Sounds like a great plan!!! BTW, I understand what you mean about your dh just wanting to be with you. I think a couple of people got caught up on a technicality. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 These comments about asking/suggesting are so forieign to me. We used to travel as a family with dh on his business trips and it was his favorite part of homeschooling. We must have a very different relationship than some other posters. My dh just wants to be with me. If I said, "honey, tonight is new years eve. Let's lock the kids out of the bathroom, and clean toilets together." he would say, "great idea". We have been married almost 20 years. I really do know what he wants. For the sake of this thread, though let's assume I say "hey hon, I just want to let you know that if you ever want me to go with you on a trip, I'd sure be willing to do it." This is how DH and I are, too :). He always wants me to go on trips like this with him. While he was traveling for another job a few years ago, he had to be gone Monday - Friday (it. was. awful.) and sometimes the kids and I would just pack up and spend the week with him where he was so we didn't all get lonesome for eachother. He was already in a suite, so there was room for us all and his company didn't spend any money on us. We didn't see him as much as if he were home, but we saw him a LOT more than if we hadn't been there. If my kids were older, I wouldn't hesitate to go with DH alone! :D Maybe the comment about "suggesting" vs "telling" was more directed at him having the kids with him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I love you, Library Lover. I do know the company policy and that is not an issue. I'm able to pay my own air fare. That is not a issue. My only real concern is if taking time away from the kids (when I know they are well cared for and comfortable in their own home) seems reasonable. Yes, I think it is MORE than reasonable. Based on what I know of your family from your posts here, I think your littles would be just fine without you for a few days at a time. IIRC, they are pretty strongly bonded to your olders. Given that, I would take the opportunity to go with my DH in a heartbeat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I do not think there is anything wrong with just you traveling with your dh. I do not think there is anything specifically wrong with leaving your dc with an older sibling--only you know the prudence of this. My dh travels for work. Travel for work varies by company. He flies in somewhere, has meetings through dinner, does some work in the hotel room, goes to bed, up for early breakfast or breakfast meeting and meeting puctuated by solo work between. In other words, his time scheduled completely, no evenings off, etc. until he flies back. My brother took his 19 yodd with him to Tokyo, on a similar over scheduled trip. My neice was on her own mostly. She enjoyed the opportunity to sight see, but she was on her own. You really need to know the culture of the company about business trips before you think you want or can accompany your spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Would it be reasonable for me to tell dh that I will go with him on some of the trips and on others he might take a child with him for special one on one time?\ You going along ... no problem. Sounds fun! A biz trip might not, however, be the right time for bonding with a child traveling only with the working parent. Biz trips can get very busy (working late, through meals, etc) and there is really no time to look after a child or even know where they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Not selfish at all! Go with him! It would be irresponsible to leave young kids home alone, but leaving them with an adult sibling for time alone gives your kids the confidence that they can survive without you. It is a good thing! Have a great time traveling; that is a wonderful opportunity! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I think it all sounds fine. I was already doing overnight (several days to a week) babysitting for children as young as your youngest when I was younger than your oldest. Have fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I love you, Library Lover. I do know the company policy and that is not an issue. I'm able to pay my own air fare. That is not a issue. My only real concern is if taking time away from the kids (when I know they are well cared for and comfortable in their own home) seems reasonable. Yes, I think your ideas are reasonable... and have done it from time to time... but only within the states and Canada. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leav97 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Sounds good to me. We've traveled as a family for work trips. DH came with me on a work trip this year and we left the kids with family. Now if our work trips were somewhere more fun, we would do it more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I say it sounds great. As far as an 18 year old watching your kids - you know your kids. My parents went to FL when I was 14 - leaving me in the care of my 20 and 21 year old siblings. THEY were the ones that had a keg party and backed up the sewer. I WAS the one that took care of it. I was a very responsible teenager and took better care of things than they did. My dh and I went away for a week to the Caribbean. My oldest helped his grandma babysit. He actually sent her home for a few days of rest in her own bed and everything was fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I saw to GO FOR IT if the the company would approve and the kids are well taken care of. I think that it is so important for a couple to have time away without the kids and for kids to see that mom and dad value their relationship enough to make it a priority. My best friend was just torn over leaving her daughter here while she left with dh over 4000 miles away for 3-4 weeks but her daughter will be fine (she is over 18 but home alone) as there are plenty of people here to help. Once she decided to go, she had great peace over her decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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