Peek a Boo Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 1. dh's dad is still fighting cancer and has been diagnosed w/ heart failure. dh took him home to San Antonio for goodbyes to family, and reports that his condition is deteriorating quickly. They should be back home Tuesday or Wednesday [june 10/11]. prayers for peace --this is hitting dh pretty hard. 2. dh's job is precarious. the aviation market is down. 3. our marriage has taken a huge step...backwards? forwards?.... we are getting a legal divorce to establish a legal separation [Texas doesn't really have a legal separation w/o incurring the costs in mediating a divorce]. we are doing it as quickly and uncontested as possible so we can move on to restoration and reconciliation. Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!]. But the decision has knocked some willingness to work on this into him, and he seems grateful for the wake up call. Combined w/ #'s 1 and 2 above, we are going to be hitting some major stress points all at once. Personal testimonies that I could share w/ dh would be much appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Oh Peek, I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for your family. ~Julie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam "SFSOM" in TN Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 1. dh's dad is still fighting cancer and has been diagnosed w/ heart failure. dh took him home to San Antonio for goodbyes to family, and reports that his condition is deteriorating quickly. They should be back home Tuesday or Wednesday [june 10/11]. prayers for peace --this is hitting dh pretty hard. 2. dh's job is precarious. the aviation market is down. 3. our marriage has taken a huge step...backwards? forwards?.... we are getting a legal divorce to establish a legal separation [Texas doesn't really have a legal separation w/o incurring the costs in mediating a divorce]. we are doing it as quickly and uncontested as possible so we can move on to restoration and reconciliation. Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!]. But the decision has knocked some willingness to work on this into him, and he seems grateful for the wake up call. Combined w/ #'s 1 and 2 above, we are going to be hitting some major stress points all at once. Personal testimonies that I could share w/ dh would be much appreciated. No words, Amy. Oh, that's hard. {{{Amy}}} I've no specific personal testimony to share except to say that I know for certain that even after no love is left, love can be kindled again. Thinking of you and praying in my own feeble way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 :grouphug:Many, many prayers headed your way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jami Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Wow, Amy. :grouphug: Lots of tough stuff for you guys to go through. :( Make sure that you're talking to someone just for you, not just the marriage counseling. Even if you feel like you're coping pretty well during the stress, sometimes after things are calm and past, you find out that you've been waiting to fall apart. And do. I know I dealt with a couple years of major stresses and felt that I had a good handle on things in the midst, I had an excellent support system throughout. But once we were past the rough patches, I had a bit of a breakdown myself and it took me by surprise. So be preparing for that, have a system in place, be talking to a counselor who can help you see if you're past a breaking point. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 :grouphug: I wish I knew wonderful things to say... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Praying for you Peek. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
genie Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :grouphug: Thinking of you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 and thoughts. Having met you only briefly IRL I got the impression that you possess enough "grit" to push through this. Anyhow, I know many on this board will be sending you virtual:grouphug: including me as you get through this. K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hard times, Peek. :sad: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I haven't been posting here long, but many prayers coming your way. Just be prepared to support your DH with his father. Both of my parents have passed away while we have been married and it is extremly difficult. It's still difficult. I'm sorry you are going through all this.....especially all at once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmgconner Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 (((Peek))) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :grouphug: I'm so sorry, honey girl. I'll sure be praying for everything. If you need a place to stay, you know where to find me :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 but warning bells are going off in my head, big time, about the 'legal divorce, uncontested'. Have you ever read "From Housewife to Heretic?" by Sonja Johnson? In that autobiography, her DH convinces her that he wants to have a stronger relationship so that they should go ahead and get a divorce 'in name only' so as to have the space to work on it freely. She was relieved and happy that he was taking the lead in figuring out how to help their relationship for once, and very optimistic. And, once they get the divorce it turns out that this was more a ploy, and that he wanted out, totally. Anyway, I really, really hope that you're careful with this, and that my fears are just incredibly stupid and inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reservejagmom Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :iagree: with Carol in CA! :grouphug: and please be careful! Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mamagistra Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh (((Peek)))...I have no idea what to say except that I will pray fervently. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh, Peek... I'm so sorry to hear all this. I will definately keep you in my prayers. Make sure you take care of yourself. My only other advice would be to make sure you have a good lawyer helping you out as you make decisions that might have long-term repurcussions. We'll be here for support and de-briefing whenever you need.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I don't know what to say either, Sweetie. Just know that I'll be praying for you. So much to deal with all at once...when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Awww, Peek, you poor thing. All of this going on and you still find the time to be funny and sweet here. Praying for you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 to ask how things are going with your FIL. My father has been kind of a mess and is in a rehab center (because he had surgery on his ankle and because of his dementia, he can't remember not to step on it). Some part of me just wanted to talk to someone else who is dealing with an aging parent. I'm really sorry that his situation has gotten worse so quickly. Honestly, the hardest year in my marriage was the year DH's father died. It was incredibly hard on DH. I still have both parents, so I am not sure I really understood what DH was going through. I mean, I sympathized and I thought I understood, but it's been 8 years and DH is still in some grief, and I guess I didn't recognize how intense that could be for a man. They LOOK so strong. Dh also had a major, unwanted career change the year his DH died. It felt like a failure to him at the time, though in retrospect it was a good thing. As for the divorce part, I used to practice family law, and DH still does. Everyday we have professional exposure to how hard divorce can be on people. I have a great deal of sympathy for you. It's just really hard. Please please please make sure you are getting good, private (ie, you alone) legal advice as you do this. Even just have one consultation to make sure you run it past an attorney. Please. Many prayers headed your way. Cast your cares upon the Lord, and he will protect your heart and mind. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in Orlando Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Good advice from Danestress. I'm so sorry you've hit such a rough spot. You guys will be in my prayers. ((())) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I've read this thread twice and the first time I was too chicken to say anything, but IMHO, getting divorced to get back together seems a bit off. Unless there are very solid financial reasons (like qualifying for the Texas CHIP or food stamps or ???) to be legally divorced, I would be very wary. I hope everything works out for your family and that you are in a better place soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I'm so sorry and will definitely keep you in my thoughts. However, I too am confused about getting a divorce in order to reconcile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in AR Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 (((Peek))) I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 (((Peek))), I'm so sorry. What an awful lot to handle all at once. I posted about this a bit under nestof3's marriage thread. My dh and I are living proof that God can change people and restore marriages. About 4 years ago, I was on the verge of leaving. If I'd had a job then, I would have left. Our marriage had never been easy, or particularly fun, but I thought dh was doing his best. I found out that, in fact, he was not. It got to the point that I told him I was leaving (who needed a job - I had a credit card). I was going to take my girls and get the heck out of Dodge because I saw no reason whatsoever to stay. I'd been trying for 9 years to make him see that things were not right, and he simply didn't care, as far as I could tell. (The funny part was, during one of the conversations during our restoration process, he told me that he really had thought everything was fine all those years. Not sure what planet he was living on, but "things" were not "fine.") God told me I did not have permission to leave. I thought it was cruel of God to tell me I had to stay when I hurt so badly, but I decided that if God said I could not go then I should probably stay. The thought of what it would do to my girls was a strong deterrent too. Anyhoo, we got into a Bible study at our church called Marriage Matters. In fact, we did the same semester twice (apparently there are 3 different semesters; I didn't know and we repeated the first one). I am not sure what happened, but dh did a 180. He seemed to finally be able to see his destructive behavior. And, he just... stopped. There is no explanation other than God. (Hopefully I changed too. I am not saying it was all dh's fault, although it certainly felt that way to me at the time, LOL.) Looking back, I am so glad I stayed. You hear all the time that marriage is hard work, right? Well, the hard work comes in staying together and working through the cr@p when all you want to do is walk away. I never thought we would be able to be happy together, but we are. If I had left, I don't think it would have worked out this way. Staying shows commitment to working things out. I would caution you against the divorce. I really would. Is there any reason why he can't just move out while you get counseling? I can understand the need for separation, but if you really intend to stay together, I think the divorce is a mistake. Why do you need legal separation? Why not just live apart? There are lots of legal reasons NOT to divorce (like some others have mentioned), but honestly, the bottom line is that once you are divorced, you're divorced, and it's going to be a lot easier to walk away forever if you come up against issues that are excruciatingly painful. It seems much easier, seems to make ever so much more sense, just to be done with the whole mess. I hope that's the kind of testimony you're looking for. I'll be praying for you. I know how much it hurts where you are. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh geez. I don't have much magic to offer but something simple: Tend to the little things, and if the big things haunt you, take 3 long slow deep sighs. Sometimes I've coped with major stress by looking back on other bad things and realizing I got through them (currently, I fondle my mother's quilt and miss her for this distraction). arghhhh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I will definitely pray. I guess I am confused about # 3 because I just don't understand why the divorce if your husband's intentions are to work on your marriage? Can't this be done while staying married? I'm just feeling strange about this. I'm sorry if I missed any posts asking for prayer for your marriage before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa at Home Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :grouphug: You'll be lifted up. ~Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Peek, I imagine the issues in your marriage have been a long-time coming, & the other two issues are separate. BUT...I thought it might...be helpful?...to hear about when my dad died. There was a lot of emotional baggage, & his death was unexpected, etc., but the result was that I was...I don't know...like a shell. For a long time. I'd heard that grieving takes a year, so I figured I'd wait a yr & reassess. After about 8 or 9 mos...maybe longer, I really can't remember, dh told me he wanted us to go for marriage counseling. I was blown away. I had *NO* idea we were having any problems. At all. After talking, though, he finally said that I just hadn't been the same since my dad died. Well...that would be *me* counseling, not marriage counseling...right? Basically, he said. He just didn't want me to feel bad about it. But it *was* effecting our relationship, even though I couldn't see it. Anyway, I guess my point is...w/ everything else you guys have going on...I just hope the divorce doesn't add to it. I wonder...if y'all could hang on through fil's passing & dh's job situation...could you come back to the marriage/divorce issues a little bit later, when *they* can be the focus, instead of everything else? I just know that if something had happened between dh & me during the loss of my dad, it would have been too easy to give up. As it was, I could barely hang on. I really didn't want to live at all, except that looking at him & our dc, I couldn't do to them what my dad had done to me (basically choosing to give up & die). But really, anything extra, any excuse, would have pushed me over the edge. :grouphug: Whatever happens, whatever you decide, if I can be there for you, please let me know. PM or email, & I'll do whatever I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenschooler Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Lots of prayers headed your way. A virtual storm of them. {{{{Amy}}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astrid Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 So sorry, Peek. Please know that we're holding you all close in thougths and prayers. The sun will come out! Warmly, Astrid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Holy cow, Peek!!! I don't know if I missed the signs, but this feels like a huge surprise. I'm soooo sorry about all the things you are going through and you can rest assured that you have my prayers. I do not understand the getting divorced to work on the marriage thing at all. :grouphug: Know that we love you here and will pray for you and support you through all these things! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Peek, please explain something you said: Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!]. Divorce still costs money, even if it's uncontested. If you really are trying to work towards reconciliation, I don't see why the divorce at all. Just spend the money on the counselors. Is there a reason why your separation needs to be "legal"? Even in Texas you have to be separated so many days before you can file for a divorce (90, I think?). Are you worried that you won't get the financial support you need from him unless it is mandated by court? I hate to sound cold hearted, but will your husband be receiving an inheritance upon his dad's death? If your husband can get the divorce processed before his dad dies, he won't have to share his inheritance with you. I think you need your own attorney, to be honest. If you can't afford it, see if you can find someone to give you initial advice pro bono. Just be very, very careful that you and your children are financially taken care of before you agree to anything (especially something that seems rushed). ((Amy)) I am so sorry that you are going through these difficult times, all at once! I hope everything works out well and soon. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura K (NC) Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Praying that each one of you see God's will as clearly as possible through all the tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorCalMom Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I'm new fairly new here also, but you have already given me a boost of confidence I needed when I didn't think I had the courage to stand up for something I believed in. Your post has touched my heart, and know that you will be lifted up in prayer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Peek, you have always been such an encouragement here on the boards. I hope you will find that same encouragement here now. I'm praying for you and your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Holy cow, Peek!!! I don't know if I missed the signs, but this feels like a huge surprise. I'm soooo sorry about all the things you are going through and you can rest assured that you have my prayers. I do not understand the getting divorced to work on the marriage thing at all. :grouphug: Know that we love you here and will pray for you and support you through all these things! nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Lots of thoughts headed your way. I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I will keep you and your family in prayer. Better times are ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ugh, Amy. There is nothing I can add to the wisdom you've received here already, but I just want to give you one more (((hug))), and lift my prayers for you as well. Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :grouphug: You will be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soph the vet Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Peek, I am so sorry you are going through all this. Two thoughts. I lost my dad 14 years ago to a tragic accident and I still grieve at times. Sometimes grief is steady and intense and then years later you can be hit by it out of the blue for a short time. As for the divorce, I am with the others who are confused as to why divorce in order to reconcile? I understand that you are a believer from your posts, I am assuming that your dh is too, but again that is an assumption. One thing to consider. Marriage is a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Jesus would never divorce the church, instead He died for her. So when marriages break up it is "presenting a lie to the world" as John Piper would say because Jesus will never divorce His church. Now, I know there are provisions for divorce in Scripture and maybe you are in that situation. All I am saying is consider Scripture when you are making these oh so difficult decisions. I will be praying for you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :grouphug: It will be hard to find a way through all of this, but I'm sure you will find a way. I don't exactly understand the divorce to get back together thing, but I hope and pray it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Thanks everyone-- the legal divorce is to establish some parameters needed to keep at bay some Very Serious control issues both financially and w/in the household [that yeah, have been going on for the last, oh, 14 years]. There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. The legal separation/divorce is at my insistence. [and in TX, you *don't* have to be separated 90 days --that's just one option. but it will take time to become final.] Honestly gals, this has been a looong time coming, and I've taken it up w/ people here IRL, i just haven't brought it all online till now ;) But since I know y'all are more than virtual i still feel a bit accountable to let you know what's going..... kwim? and Soph I do understand about "presenting a lie" --but as you pointed out, if the marriage is broken --there is no loving your wife as Christ loved the church [or vice versa]-- that too is a lie. And one just as obvious to those around you. Previous attempts for restoring what God intended have been futile [due to above mentioned issues]. We are NOT w/in the Biblical provisions for divorce [not that i believe, anyway], but Texas does not have a legal separation to protect the family financially while we go through this. we've brainstormed and brainstormed and sought counsel on different ways to handle this. Neither of us is considering this a Real divorce --it is just a legal piece of paper and what God has joined, no man [or court] can tear apart. Even if the courts declare it torn apart. We are going to die [legally] for this marriage. yes, I have an attorney, and yes, we are receiving a lot of counsel [both legal and Christian] on this. Danestress: as for his dad -- we too are hitting the dementia stage it appears. This is absolutely going to be tough on dh, and he has already admitted that he's not handling this as well as he thought he could. he lost his mom to cancer about 20 years ago. We are doing what we can to support each other through this transition. we are actually considering his inheritance [paltry as it will be] to help sustain *him* through this --i am honestly not concerned about it [and I did consider that --'as coldhearted as it may be'-- before making this move]. thanks for the hugs gals! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please keep us updated on the progress and I will pray that God works a miracle in your lives and your marriage!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. ! I am so sorry. I will pray that this is resolved in the way that is healthiest for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 {{{Amy}}} I have no wisdom to share, but I will pray for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 ((Amy)) I'm so sorrry. It sounds like this is much tougher and more complicated than any of us can imagine. Hey, you do know that during your wait period (which I incorrectly thought was 90 days... it's 60), you can get temporary orders, right? Of course your attorneys know that... I'm wishing you the best, Amy, and much peace during this tough time. Thank you for letting us know. You have many friends here who want to love and support you. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Please keep us updated on the progress and I will pray that God works a miracle in your lives and your marriage!!! nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexandra Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 may I suggest a wonderful website...It is called mywayout. If your dh is having trouble with anger (the verbal and emotional abuse comment made me think of this), he would find so much help from giving up alchohol (if he drinks -obviously). I consider the website to be lifechanging - and I don't throw that word around alot. I really hope that you and your husband can work this out. Sending good thoughts your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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