What do you think of this conversation?

[joannqn]

What would you think if you heard this conversation?

 

Scene: Person 1 (P1) and Person 2 (P2) are doing separate chores in adjoining rooms (think great room layout). The topic of discussion is a gift for person 3 who is in the same house.

 

P1: Is there tracking on that thing you bought so you know where it is?

 

P2: What thing I bought?

 

P1: The one that might not arrive on time.

 

P2: I'm not going to look at it right now. I'm busy doing this.

 

P1: I wasn't asking you to look at it right now.

 

P2: But you asked right now.

 

P1: I was thinking you might have looked at it earlier.

 

P2 ignores P1's comment and continues working on the chore P1 was doing.

 

15 minutes later P2 answers the original question.

Edited December 18, 2011 by joannqn

[*********]

Uh, I would think it's a totally normal conversation dh and I might have about a gift we bought for one of the kids. Either dh or I could be P1 or P2 at any given time...

[cindergretta]

Uh, I would think it's a totally normal conversation dh and I might have about a gift we bought for one of the kids. Either dh or I could be P1 or P2 at any given time...

 

:iagree:

[specialmama]

What would you think if you heard this conversation?

 

Scene: Person 1 (P1) and Person 2 (P2) are doing separate chores in adjoining rooms (think great room layout). The topic of discussion is a gift for person 3 who is in the same house.

 

P1: Is there tracking on that thing you bought so you know where it is?

 

P2: What thing I bought?

 

P1: The one that might not arrive on time.

 

P2: I'm not going to look at it right now. I'm busy doing this.

 

P1: I wasn't asking you to look at it right now.

 

P2: But you asked right now.

 

P1: I was thinking you might have looked at it earlier.

 

P2 ignores P1's comment and continues working on the chore P1 was doing.

 

15 minutes later P2 answers the original question.

 

The only abnormal thing I spot is that P2 proceeded to do P1's chore. The conversation is a normal daydreamy thing that I witness (and participate in) frequently.

[Mommyof4ks]

Uh, I would think it's a totally normal conversation dh and I might have about a gift we bought for one of the kids. Either dh or I could be P1 or P2 at any given time...

 

:iagree:

[cindergretta]

The only abnormal thing I spot is that P2 proceeded to do P1's chore. The conversation is a normal daydreamy thing that I witness (and participate in) frequently.

 

Doh! I didn't even notice that!

[joannqn]

Sorry, each person proceed to do their own chore.

[kalanamak]

Uh, I would think it's a totally normal conversation dh and I might have about a gift we bought for one of the kids.

 

Well, some hubbies. My hubby probably doesn't know what tracking is, but typical 21st century USian spouses could well have this conversation with nothing evil intended by other.

 

But .... tone is everything. :)

[ThisIsTheDay]

What would you think if you heard this conversation?

 

If I were P1: Geez, I hate whenever I ask you something, you blow me off. Why can't I just ask a simple question and get a simple answer? What is it that you find so irritating about me, because you treat me like this (crap) on a regular basis.

 

If I were P2: I seemed a little abrupt, and an apology on my part might go far.

 

If I were P3: Hmm. Exactly how worried are they about my gift? I'll be a little disappointed if it doesn't arrive on time, and I hope they didn't procrastinate too long, making any delay their fault.

[Rosie_0801]

If I were P1 (which I would be) I'd be annoyed at being ignored and wonder why P2 couldn't have said "no I haven't checked it recently, I'll do that (or please remind me to) after I've finished this.

 

Dude, I asked nicely. For goodness sakes, answer my question and reassure me it's up high on your priority list.

 

Rosie

[Rosy]

I would think that P2 either:

1. looked it up in the 15 minutes after the initial conversation, or

2. remembered that he/she knew the answer after all, or

3. was making something up to make P1 leave him/her alone.

 

Without hearing tones of voice and other ambient noise, it's hard to know if people were speaking rudely/offensively.

[Another Lynn]

Well, reading into it abit.... it's possible P2 was annoyed about discussing a gift that the potential recipient might hear about and therefore tried to be as mum as possible, but did eventually answer the original question. Maybe?

[zaichiki]

In our house, I would be P1 and dh would be P2. He normally has a delay between questions and answers. :D

 

ETA:

P2 could also be my oldest ds. He enjoys literal translations of things and frequently chooses the annoying comebacks, too ("but you asked right now"), especially if he doesn't want to immediately answer the question for whatever reason. (He also says "no" when I ask him to do anything and then goes right off to do it. I have learned to ignore it, as I eventually get the answer/the thing gets done.) Sometimes I wonder if it's a control/power/testing thing.

Edited December 18, 2011 by zaichiki

[Denisemomof4]

If I were P1 (which I would be) I'd be annoyed at being ignored and wonder why P2 couldn't have said "no I haven't checked it recently, I'll do that (or please remind me to) after I've finished this.

 

Dude, I asked nicely. For goodness sakes, answer my question and reassure me it's up high on your priority list.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree:

[Mama2Many4]

Does it matter?

[LaxMom]

Well, in our house, my husband and I could have been in either role, depending on who had done the ordering. I don't think either of us would have answered the last comment. It didn't require an answer.

[Lisbeth]

A little passive aggressive, but overall typical in OUR house. My husband has a nasty habit of pausing for drama, or to work me up. Or be unreachable, like when his father was in the hospital and 5 hours went by after he went to check on him, and I didn't get an update and he wouldn't answer his phone. Irritating.

[Danestress]

for whatever reason, I feel like people ask me questions all day long, and it is somehow difficult for me to deal with questions about something while I am trying to do something else. I feel like people throw me off my game with questions, and I would feel like maybe the other person wants me to stop what I am doing to find the answer to the question right then, even though they probably aren't.

[joannqn]

If I were P1: Geez, I hate whenever I ask you something, you blow me off. Why can't I just ask a simple question and get a simple answer? What is it that you find so irritating about me, because you treat me like this (crap) on a regular basis.

 

If I were P2: I seemed a little abrupt, and an apology on my part might go far.

 

If I were P1 (which I would be) I'd be annoyed at being ignored and wonder why P2 couldn't have said "no I haven't checked it recently, I'll do that (or please remind me to) after I've finished this.

 

Dude, I asked nicely. For goodness sakes, answer my question and reassure me it's up high on your priority list.

 

Rosie

 

This is how P1 feels about this conversation. This conversation in various forms occurs on a regular basis and P1 wondered if they were being too sensitive.

[Unicorn.]

P2 is seriously irritating, because P2 can never just answer a simple question! And why is my P2 in your house? Actually, it can't be my P2, because you actually got some sort of response right away. I usually have to wait 15 or 20 minutes for the first response, and only after I asked the question at least 3 times.

[Caribbean Queen]

P1: I was thinking you might have looked at it earlier.

 

P2 ignores P1's comment and continues working on the chore P1 was doing.

 

15 minutes later P2 answers the original question.

 

I am P2. The bolded part requires a response? It is not a question. P1 already knows that I can't tell her off the top of my head what she wants to know. I had nothing to tell, so I didn't say anything. What is the point in going on and on about it? I checked for her later.

 

If P1 says I treat her like crap, I will feel sorry for P1, since I will think she has 'issues.' I will not be drawn into the role of emotional vampire victim or eggshell walker.

[kalanamak]

This is how P1 feels about this conversation. This conversation in various forms occurs on a regular basis and P1 wondered if they were being too sensitive.

 

P1 needs to learn to cope. I have, in my uber-planning way, asked MY P2 what his plans are for the day for 11 years, and every day this is answered with "dodging rain drops". My P2 wouldn't even bother to come back and answer in 20 minutes. I'd weep tears of joy if I ever got an answer. But I'll never get it because he *can't*. He just can't. He is wired differently than I am.

 

It isn't a matter of being sensitive, to me, although I am aware I'm not. It is a matter of knowing leopards don't change their spots and just plain old looking on the sunny side. It perhaps helps I grew up with a mother who oft-said "Never marry a man with the intention of changing them. You won't."

 

 

However, if P1 thinks P2 is doing this to be hostile, that's a whole nother ball game.

[SnowWhite]

I've watched this kind of interaction between my parents for decades. Here's my interpretation:

 

P1: Is there tracking on that thing you bought so you know where it is? (Int: I cannot believe you let this purchase slide so late and I wish I had bought it myself. Why are you so thoughtless?)

 

P2: What thing I bought? (Int: Oh, gosh, which thing was I supposed to buy and forgot?! I have so much on my plate!)

 

P1: The one that might not arrive on time. (Int: This purchase is so important, how can it not be niggling at you as badly as it is to me? How can you be so insensitive?)

 

P2: I'm not going to look at it right now. I'm busy doing this. (Int: One thing at a time, lady! You should be thankful I am doing this chore right now. I will check on the tracking as soon as I finish this.)

 

P1: I wasn't asking you to look at it right now. (Int: I can't believe you aren't so worried about the package arriving that you haven't been checking the status at 3 hour intervals since ordering, LATE.)

 

P2: But you asked right now. (Int: Huh??? I really heard an implied, Go check on that tracking in the question.)

 

P1: I was thinking you might have looked at it earlier. (Int: YES, you should be really worried about this package like I am and not only check it right now, but also have predicted that I'd ask and checked it as soon as you rolled out of bed this morning.)

 

P2 ignores P1's comment and continues working on the chore P1 was doing. (Int: Well, I'll check on that tracking as soon as I get done here, like I said I would. Why is she so bent out of shape over tracking?)

 

15 minutes later P2 answers the original question. (Int: Big sigh of relief. Now she can get off my case about the tracking. Why was it such a big deal to begin with????)

 

I admit this interpretation is skewed in favor of P2. That's likely because I have three brothers, three sons, and my dh is not as P2-ish as my dad is, so I don't have the same level of eye-rolling on a regular basis as my mom has had for the past 42 years. I also have a lower level of expectations for the males in my life than she has. One of Mom's favorite quotes from my grandmother was, "I will never remarry- it took me too many years to train my first husband." (My grandfather who died when gm was in her 70s.)

[Robin M]

Lol! That's a normal conversation in our house.

[kalanamak]

I've watched this kind of interaction between my parents for decades. Here's my interpretation:

 

:lol: You did a great imitation of the conversations in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, the very respected researcher who has followed married couples via videos of interactions for some 30 years now.

[catz]

Haven't read other responses, but if P2 is a male it seems completely normal to me. :D None of the males in my life are good multi taskers and tend to focus on one thing at a time. I used to find it a little annoying to have conversations like this, but now I find it kind of endearing!

[cin]

What would you think if you heard this conversation?

 

P2 ignores P1's comment and continues working on the chore P1 was doing.

 

15 minutes later P2 answers the original question.

 

The only thing missing here is P1 looking at P2 like they've grown a 3rd eye and asking WTH are you talking about? Because in our household, P1's brain would be in the next universe within 2 minutes, let alone 15 minutes.

[KungFuPanda]

I kind of wondered why P2 didn't just say "Yes, there is tracking on that item."

 

"I'm not going to look at it right now." is defensive and doesn't answer the question that was asked.

[SKL]

I kind of wondered why P2 didn't just say "Yes, there is tracking on that item."

 

"I'm not going to look at it right now." is defensive and doesn't answer the question that was asked.

 

Yes, but my guess would be that P2 did not know the answer to the question that was asked.

 

Or, the answer was yes, but the question was interpeted as "If tracking is available I'm sure you've checked by now, so what is the status of that item?"

 

To be honest, I am one who tends to be defensive that way. It comes from pretty much never living up to certain people's expectations, and being reminded of this regularly. I mean, if you expect the response to be "WHY didn't you check it," you might as well say something defensive and try to buy some time.

[OLG]

P2 is seriously irritating, because P2 can never just answer a simple question! And why is my P2 in your house? Actually, it can't be my P2, because you actually got some sort of response right away. I usually have to wait 15 or 20 minutes for the first response, and only after I asked the question at least 3 times.

 

The clone of your P2 lives in my house :D

[Danestress]

I kind of wondered why P2 didn't just say "Yes, there is tracking on that item."

 

"I'm not going to look at it right now." is defensive and doesn't answer the question that was asked.

 

It is defensive. I have to work really hard to defend my mental space. I defend it tooth and nail:)

 

People ask me questions, and every question is a perceived attempt to pull me mentally out of where I am and into where the questioner is. So P2 is thinking about how to unclog the disposal, and P1 is living in the package. To P1 it may seem like no big deal to think about the package for a second, but P2 might feel that every time someone asks a question, it breaks his focus and feels like an irritant. I find most questions can be irritating when I am not thinking about what that person is thinking about. So if DH and I are sitting together having a glass of wine, I am with him, and available for questions. But if I am working on the sink, those questions can be so frustrating because I am not "on" the package right now. I am "on" the disposal.

 

Also, a question like that can carry various undertones. Like "I am worried the package won't get here on time" "Did you actually check the shipping information?" etc. I don't think ordering a package is a group activity, and I tend to want to issue a blanket statement of "I have it covered."

 

I can be a prickly pear at time, I know. I think this is mostly about how our brains are different. I am probably a hard core P2. I really resent efforts to make me do or think about 2 things at once, and your "simple question" to me is "an attempt to steal my peace of mind."

[In the Rain]

Well, I was siding with P1 until I read SnowWhite's interpretation. After reading P2's perspective, I felt a little guilty. :tongue_smilie:

[KathyBC]

I would think 'P1 is a micromanager, yuk'. LOL. P2 knows exactly where the initial questioning is leading - to yet another time consuming chore. P2 is ****ed if the answer is Y because then he'll be asked to go spend time and find out precisely where the pkg is right now, and ****ed if the answer is N because then he'll be asked to go spend time and find out precisely where the pkg is right now. P2 cannot speed up the package at this point; P2 has no control over the accuracy of the tracking info; all P2 can do is get it off the truck at the office, before it is out for delivery. P2 is being micromanaged to death...if it was an employment situation, he'd quit.

 

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

So is there a non-offensive way to request information from a P2?

 

:confused:

Rosie

[SKL]

So is there a non-offensive way to request information from a P2?

 

:confused:

Rosie

 

"Did you happen to have a chance to check the tracking on that item?"

 

It lays out very clearly exactly what P1 wants to know and wants done in one sentence. There is no need for back-and-forth. P1 can say "no, I'll do it right after this." Or, "I didn't think of it but I can do it right after this." Or, "yes...."

 

When you say "is X possible" you set it up to require a longer conversation. If the person is already feeling defensive, less is more.

 

I also don't think it was necessary for P1 to say "I didn't ask you to do it right now" and what came after that. What did that add to the conversation? She could have just said "OK, let me know when you do get a chance."

[joannqn]

It is interesting to see the perspectives of everyone.

Edited December 18, 2011 by joannqn

[TheApprentice]

sounds like normal banter to me between two adults who aren't really paying attention to the conversation.;)

[melissel]

Uh, I would think it's a totally normal conversation dh and I might have about a gift we bought for one of the kids. Either dh or I could be P1 or P2 at any given time...

 

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

"Did you happen to have a chance to check the tracking on that item?"

 

It lays out very clearly exactly what P1 wants to know and wants done in one sentence. There is no need for back-and-forth. P1 can say "no, I'll do it right after this." Or, "I didn't think of it but I can do it right after this." Or, "yes...."

 

When you say "is X possible" you set it up to require a longer conversation. If the person is already feeling defensive, less is more.

 

I also don't think it was necessary for P1 to say "I didn't ask you to do it right now" and what came after that. What did that add to the conversation? She could have just said "OK, let me know when you do get a chance."

 

Ah. Thank you. I'm not sure that would work on my male brand of P2. If I asked "Did you happen to have a chance to check the tracking on that item?" he would say "no." He would not offer any of the suggestions you provided to complete the conversation I needed completed.

 

Sure, "Thanks for ordering X. Do you need me to be home on any particular day to receive it?"

 

That is more likely to suit my P2, lol. But I'm not very good at it. It requires me to pretzel my brain and an argument like the OP described is easier because adrenalin will take care of the effort. Stupid, isn't it? A pox on communication difficulties. :( This thread is making me cry.

 

Rosie

[SKL]

Ah. Thank you. I'm not sure that would work on my male brand of P2. If I asked "Did you happen to have a chance to check the tracking on that item?" he would say "no." He would not offer any of the suggestions you provided to complete the conversation I needed completed.

 

It's stuff like this that makes me glad I'm single. I'd rather do it myself than have to try to squeeze water out of a stone!:tongue_smilie:

[Stacia]

"I'm not going to look at it right now." is defensive and doesn't answer the question that was asked.

 

:iagree:

 

Seems like a somewhat passive agressive conversation to me.

[angela in ohio]

I would think 'P1 is a micromanager, yuk'. LOL. P2 knows exactly where the initial questioning is leading - to yet another time consuming chore. P2 is ****ed if the answer is Y because then he'll be asked to go spend time and find out precisely where the pkg is right now, and ****ed if the answer is N because then he'll be asked to go spend time and find out precisely where the pkg is right now. P2 cannot speed up the package at this point; P2 has no control over the accuracy of the tracking info; all P2 can do is get it off the truck at the office, before it is out for delivery. P2 is being micromanaged to death...if it was an employment situation, he'd quit.

 

Yep.

 

The backhanded implication ("so you know where it is") that P2 should have bought tracking is the give away. I would guess P2 didn't get tracking and is trying to avoid a lecture. :D

[KungFuPanda]

It is defensive. I have to work really hard to defend my mental space. I defend it tooth and nail:)

 

People ask me questions, and every question is a perceived attempt to pull me mentally out of where I am and into where the questioner is. So P2 is thinking about how to unclog the disposal, and P1 is living in the package. To P1 it may seem like no big deal to think about the package for a second, but P2 might feel that every time someone asks a question, it breaks his focus and feels like an irritant. I find most questions can be irritating when I am not thinking about what that person is thinking about. So if DH and I are sitting together having a glass of wine, I am with him, and available for questions. But if I am working on the sink, those questions can be so frustrating because I am not "on" the package right now. I am "on" the disposal.

 

Also, a question like that can carry various undertones. Like "I am worried the package won't get here on time" "Did you actually check the shipping information?" etc. I don't think ordering a package is a group activity, and I tend to want to issue a blanket statement of "I have it covered."

 

I can be a prickly pear at time, I know. I think this is mostly about how our brains are different. I am probably a hard core P2. I really resent efforts to make me do or think about 2 things at once, and your "simple question" to me is "an attempt to steal my peace of mind."

 

If you're going to make assumptions about what someone else is thinking, you should try to assume the best; especially if that person loves you. You perceiving the question as an attack doesn't mean it ever was one, but a defensive answer to a question can start an argument that wasn't there before.

[Danestress]

that my DH isn't intending to attack me. DH is awesome and has put up with my eccentricities for many years. But he knows that if I could trade brains with someone else, I would. I really just can't mentally multi-task. I just .... I don't know. I can't. I am not assuming anything negative about him but just explaining why one P2 (can't speak for all of them) might be unwilling to engage in the discussion about the package while s/he is working on the disposal. My brain focuses on one thing at a time, and if I get distracted by the question about the package, I am likely to slice my finger off with the disposal. I used to just get so frustrated. Now I just refuse to let other's direct where my brain goes more than I absolutely have to.

Edited December 19, 2011 by Danestress

[Rosie_0801]

I beleive my grandmother would say: 'you catch more flies with honey' and 'don't make work for other people'. Basically you get more work out of people who are appreciated and are trusted to do the job and you have a better relationship than the situation in which you have henpecking and the assigning of busywork and the taking of the relationship for granted.

 

I'm surprised you thought that needed to be said.

[cindergretta]

If you're going to make assumptions about what someone else is thinking, you should try to assume the best; especially if that person loves you. You perceiving the question as an attack doesn't mean it ever was one, but a defensive answer to a question can start an argument that wasn't there before.

 

True but within my own marriage, I can make some pretty accurate assumptions about what my dh means when he says blah blah blah. And he can do likewise in regards to what I say. We adore each other but that doesn't automatically lead to perfect communication and neither of us ever intending negative intent toward the other. We can both be PITAs when we want :lol:

[melissel]

that my DH isn't intending to attack me. DH is awesome and has put up with my eccentricities for many years. But he knows that if I could trade brains with someone else, I would. I really just can't mentally multi-task. I just .... I don't know. I can't. I am not assuming anything negative about him but just explaining to why one P2 (can't speak for all of them) might be unwilling to engage in the discussion about the package while s/he is working on the disposal. My brain focuses on one thing at a time, and if I get distracted by the question about the package, I am likely to slice my finger off with the disposal. I used to just get so frustrated. Now I just refuse to let other's direct where my brain goes more than I absolutely have to.

 

Just wanted to chime in and say that I'm just like you. It comes to me directly from my dad, who is the same way. Please, for the love of pete, don't EVER interrupt me while I'm reading! So I hear you on this.

 

It's funny though, that I can see myself in the P1 role, asking the question, worrying over the package's arrival time and asking DH if there was tracking on the package. It wouldn't be a reflection on him. It would just be me, thinking about the whole thing and suddenly wondering if there was a way to know where the package is. If it wasn't going to arrive on time, I'd want to know so that I could prepare in advance--a printed picture of it in a card, maybe, or if the P3 was going to be horribly disappointed, I might want to prepare her/him in advance. I'm a big "in advance" sort of planner--I like to have all my scenarios buckled down as early as possible. Thankfully, DH --who used to see questions like these from me as attacks and get defensive--now understands that I'm just working through all the scenarios in my head so I can be prepared.

[Meriwether]

I'm surprised you thought that needed to be said.

 

 

You know, I never thought I'd be a nag. We are having our family Christmas sometime this week. Sometime. I don't know when. I have been told multiple times that a day will be taken off work. I just don't know when. I don't care when it is. I really don't. But I would like more than 14 hours notice. And should I really have to ask more than once? Should I be content to do it whenever it happens with no forewarning? I'm sure many people would be okay with that. I need a day to run errands but I don't know when to plan for that. I don't know when to prepare the food. And the kids would like to know. Half the fun for them is the anticipation. So I ask 4 times over a two week period and become a nag.:glare:

[melissel]

You know, I never thought I'd be a nag. We are having our family Christmas sometime this week. Sometime. I don't know when. I have been told multiple times that a day will be taken off work. I just don't know when. I don't care when it is. I really don't. But I would like more than 14 hours notice. And should I really have to ask more than once? Should I be content to do it whenever it happens with no forewarning? I'm sure many people would be okay with that. I need a day to run errands but I don't know when to plan for that. I don't know when to prepare the food. And the kids would like to know. Half the fun for them is the anticipation. So I ask 4 times over a two week period and become a nag.:glare:

 

:grouphug: Time to take the bull by the horns and pick a day yourself. You know, I think that's how my mom came to be how she is now, actually. Other family members think she's bossy, but she just got tired of waiting for others to plan things--especially when she's the one doing a lot of the legwork!

 

ETA: DH is a lot like that too. This year he was annoyed because my family asked about Thanksgiving two months in advance, and I had to hold his feet to the fire to get a yes or no. He waffled and waffled because his mom might want to have us at her house for Thanksgiving, and why were they pushing so hard for an answer? I said that if his mom wants a commitment for Thanksgiving, then she needs to let us know more than a week or two in advance! Our waffling was holding my family up from making other plans, for pete's sake. It's been an annual issue, and I think he's finally starting to get it *whew!*

Edited December 19, 2011 by melissel

[Rosie_0801]

You know, I never thought I'd be a nag. We are having our family Christmas sometime this week. Sometime. I don't know when. I have been told multiple times that a day will be taken off work. I just don't know when. I don't care when it is. I really don't. But I would like more than 14 hours notice. And should I really have to ask more than once? Should I be content to do it whenever it happens with no forewarning? I'm sure many people would be okay with that. I need a day to run errands but I don't know when to plan for that. I don't know when to prepare the food. And the kids would like to know. Half the fun for them is the anticipation. So I ask 4 times over a two week period and become a nag.:glare:

 

Yeah, the P2's preferred communication system probably works swimmingly if they do whatever they were supposed to be doing before the last minute. It's when they consistently forget having ever heard of it, and P1 doesn't find out until the last minute that the system breaks down. I think it must be easier when the P2 in the relationship is the woman!

 

Rosie