Vent/Advice Welcome: ILs canx DS7's birthday party

[SJ.]

I must start by saying DH and I are sensitive about his parents' relationship with our children. Sometimes months go by where we don't see them, though we call and ask about making plans with them. They have broken plans before at the last minute resulting in disappointed grandsons (my boys). They never seem very happy about babysitting or they offer weird reasons ("I have to pay the bills"). Babysitting is not something we ask for very often, it is actually very rare. They rarely ask if the boys can come over to spend the day or the night - which they know they would be thrilled to do, the boys ask them and me about playdates and sleepovers with grandma & grandpa.

 

Before someone brings up their health and my boys' behavior - ILs are in their late 50s & early 60s, both are healthy, MIL does not work, my boys are very compliant for others, my boys do not get rowdy at their house. I actually get complimented on their behavior at the gym I attend, and a few times at restaurants by strangers.

 

Sorry if this is getting long. Here is my current issue. This year we planned on having a small family party for DS7's birthday which is exactly what we did for DS5. I knew late Nov was going to be very busy (BIL's wedding & Thanksgiving) and that Dec is always hectic so I was sure to ask my MIL in early Nov if we could celebrate her birthday and DS7's birthday on their actual birthday (yesterday). She consulted her calendar and said it was no problem. She then asked what kind of cake he wanted. Side Note: She's always wanted to make the boys a cake like she did for her boys, she made DS5 his first cake this past summer.

 

We had talked about their birthday party numerous times so I had no reason to believe anything but the party was going to happen. Another side note ;) DH has a new job near their home so he has been staying at the IL's Mon-Thurs. Last week (Wed) I reminded DH that we would be going to his parents' house on Sat for the party. He expressed confusion because he thought his dad said his parents had other plans.

 

I called MIL, who was babysitting BIL's dd, who said she thought FIL wanted to take her somewhere Sat but she couldn't remember where. She asked if we could reschedule for Sunday. I had already asked DH in our previous conversation and he said Sunday was out. She then instructed me to talk to FIL, which I passed to DH since he was already with FIL.

 

The next day DH informed me that FIL said he was going to take MIL somewhere Sat but couldn't remember where :confused: and that they had to pick BIL up at the airport (at 8pm) :confused: So no party :001_huh: On Sat MIL went grocery shopping and did paperwork - they didn't even do anything!

 

DH was pretty upset about that his parents had told DS7 that we would have a party at their house for him and then they cancelled it with a bizarre reason. I couldn't even give DS7 a reason since we didn't even have one. Poor DS7 was so disappointed. :(

 

Tomorrow I am going to be sure to mention to MIL how disappointed DS7 was to have his party cancelled. I am pretty sure she is going to have some crazy excuse and I am going to point out what their excuse was on Wed when they cancelled. I am not looking forward to this because I do not like confrontation but I feel this needs to be addressed.

 

Thanks for listening if you read this entire post!

SJ

 

Just wanted to mention - by party I mean a family visit with a meal followed by birthday cake.

[kalanamak]

 

Tomorrow I am going to be sure to mention to MIL how disappointed DS7 was to have his party cancelled. I am pretty sure she is going to have some crazy excuse and I am going to point out what their excuse was on Wed when they cancelled. I am not looking forward to this because I do not like confrontation but I feel this needs to be addressed.

 

 

I personally wouldn't bring it up. Leopards don't change spots, but I am a non-confronter if I think nothing will come of it.

And ... more importantly, it is your MIL. Should not hubby do any mentioning.

 

:grouphug: Poor kid. I know mine would get an extra present. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I don't blame you for wanting to discuss this with your MIL, but I can't help but wonder why your DH didn't read them the riot act about it. He was right there talking with them, and didn't confront them and remind them of their promise, and tell them he was livid that they would disappoint your ds??? :confused:

 

I really think your dh dropped the ball on this one. Big time.

[SJ.]

I personally wouldn't bring it up. Leopards don't change spots, but I am a non-confronter if I think nothing will come of it.

And ... more importantly, it is your MIL. Should not hubby do any mentioning.

 

:grouphug: Poor kid. I know mine would get an extra present. :grouphug:

 

Thanks for reminding me. DH and I talked it over and decided if one of us should talk to MIL it should be me. DH would either beat around the bush about it OR just get too mad due to the history I mentioned.

 

You are probably right though, people don't change. I just feel like I need to say something for DS.

[Night Elf]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry this happened. I dont like confrontation either. But I would not be going out of my way to make plans with the in laws anytime soon.

[FairyMom]

Tomorrow I am going to be sure to mention to MIL how disappointed DS7 was to have his party cancelled. I am pretty sure she is going to have some crazy excuse and I am going to point out what their excuse was on Wed when they cancelled. I am not looking forward to this because I do not like confrontation but I feel this needs to be addressed.

 

Thanks for listening if you read this entire post!

SJ

 

Just wanted to mention - by party I mean a family visit with a meal followed by birthday cake.

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. Something similar has happened with my MIL and it was tense tonight. I almost lost it tonight, and I'm very non-confrontational. If you say anything, it won't change. We live next door and they have never babysat.. ever. We asked once or twice, but after the wishy-washy answers, we decided against asking. Anyway, I sympathize. :grouphug:

[SKL]

Call me crazy, but I would have had my kid call granny. It was her birthday too, right? He could call and say happy birthday and how sad he was that the party was canceled. Then let her enjoy that feeling while coming up with something nice to say about it. "Oh honey, I had to pay bills, maybe next year!" Yeah.

[oldskool]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Catwoman]

I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:iagree:

[FairyMom]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree: Good advice!!

[annandatje]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Great advice! Poor kid; I would indulge him with an extra gift or treat to soften the disappointment.

[arghmatey]

Sorry. That is crummy.

 

Next time plan the birthday party for your child without consulting others. If they can make it, then great. If not (and we would expect not, correct?), then fine. It's something your children will have to get used to--your ILs just aren't that into y'all.

 

Stop telling your children about plans with your ILs. You can make the plans, just don't tell the children. If the ILs follow through with the plans, then great. If not, then you can handle it without any child involvement. Follow through with the plans regardless of IL involvement.

 

ETA: Phooey on me for not reading previous responses. Night Elf gave good advice!

[Mrs Mungo]

Since your dh is staying with them? I would not push the issue. Make your own plans to do fun things, invite the ILs, don't tell the kids, don't expect them to show up.

[mommaduck]

Sounds like they have an issue...either with you, your child, your husband, or just some quirkiness they can't get past. Regardless, they are AVOIDING any discussion of it. If you confront, you are likely to get one of two responses...further withdrawal or warfare. I would let it ride and simply NOT MAKE PLANS with them. They have issues.

 

The relatives we've had this happen with, I simply tell the kids that, "you know how **** is". I tell them not to expect anything to actually happen till it happens. The person has, at times, had reasons. At other times, the person just "forgets" or has "better" plans. In other ways, the person is wonderful. It's not worth sacrificing the relationship over.

Edited December 5, 2011 by mommaduck

[nitascool]

We have had many such disappointments around here too. Having the child say something hasn't helped around here either. My children are not the favored grandchildren and even among them one is favored least. They (the grandparents) have made it clear to our children that their only love language (to them) is gifts and not to expect more.

 

After several years of my oldest asking to stay the night with Nana and Papa he finally gave up about a year ago. Their excuses were that he might wet the bed. Then it was that he might get afraid of the dark and then it was that they had appointments the next day... like having to take the great-grandmother out to dinner the next night. My oldest begged his Nana to go on a date once... just to spend time with her... he saved up for three months to take her out. He bought tickets to a play and she backed out at the last minute... because she just didn't feel like going out. He has never asked her for any quality time since. Ds did the same with his grandfather and a demolition derby. His grandfather changed his mind two days before the event. My ds doesn't like demolition derby he just thought it would be something his grandfather would like (it is). He didn't have other plans he just decided not to go.

 

My 10yo has asked to spend time with his grand parents. But when he was 7 or so his grandmother was mean to him when she was alone with him and he has not since wanted to be with her alone. Mostly ds says initial hello's and good byes and spends the rest of the time playing with 3 legos and a screw when with his grandparents.

 

My 7yo does not ask to spend time with his grandparents because he has no desire to spend time with his words "people who don't like me anyway." I think that is so sad. I have never told the children this, nor has my husband... they are just smart enough to figure out when someone would rather they sit quietly and not be seen or heard.

 

My dd 4 is not oblivious to the lack of interest but she has been the longest on trying to develop some kind of bond with the in-laws. Still she hasn't asked to have a tea party with Nana in about 5 months... though she has asked a couple ladies in the church we attend... who btw were happy to oblige.

 

It is so sad that their grandparents have missed so many cute happy memories because they choose not to take the time. DD is their only granddaughter. You'd think they would want to at least spoil her. But they don't.

Edited December 5, 2011 by nitascool

[FriedClams]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

I understand the disappointment you feel in behalf of your dc, but may I say - you IL's just aren't that into you. Not their son, not their grandsons. By constantly asking, hoping, etc. to have them spend time with your children, you are setting yourself - and worse, your sons - up for repeated disappointment. that is just who your ILs are, and has nothing to do with you.

 

do not mention any "tentative" plans scheduled for your ILs with your sons - then when the plans are cancelled by your ILs, you sons are not disappointed.

[tex-mex]

I don't blame you for wanting to discuss this with your MIL, but I can't help but wonder why your DH didn't read them the riot act about it. He was right there talking with them, and didn't confront them and remind them of their promise, and tell them he was livid that they would disappoint your ds??? :confused:

 

I really think your dh dropped the ball on this one. Big time.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And if the dh passes the job of confronting HIS parents to his wife... they will never get the problem (i.e. life patterns) solved. Way too many red flags on this one.

[ChandlerMom]

Personally, I'd use them as examples for dc. Be honest, but fair. If dcs ask about wanting to see the gparents or sleepovers, maybe say "They love you, but they are absorbed in their own little world. We have to accept them as they are and not expect more than they can give. They're the ones who are missing out." I wouldn't plan any more holidays/events at their house and I wouldn't tell the grandkids they planned to visit until they showed up. If pressed I also wouldn't hesitate to tell ILs, "No, we won't do that because you've let them down before and that's just not ok."

 

Ils aren't going to change, and although you don't want to bad-mouth the ILs I think you can be gently honest so your kids stop being hurt by the ILs selfishness. They don't deserve the kind of love your kids are offering. :glare:

[Jana]

Consider what you want from your in-laws and if they're capable of giving providing it. I'm of the opinion that they are either unable (or unwilling) to provide the kind of relationship you seek.

 

Confronting them, is really just another way of asking them for something they can't (or won't) give you. I just wouldn't put myself in that position .

 

I agree with previous posters, make plans, invite them, but never expect them to come.

[Rosie_0801]

I think it is pretty stinky of your husband not to stick up for his own kids. Getting too mad or whatever is a lousy excuse. They deserve to have him get too mad!

 

If they were my inlaws, I'd have forgotten they existed by now. :(

 

Rosie

[jennsmile]

It almost sounds like my mil. I think in the future just make your own plans. I think I would have even taken my kid to chuck e cheese and explained it was too loud for his grandparents and I don't say that lightly as we don't go to Chuck E Cheese unless somebody invites us.

 

It is hard to accept that my MIL can't/won't watch my well behaved children but dotes on another grandchild and constantly has her and her siblings and can watch them even over night. So I feel your pain. I won't get better.

 

I do have terrific parents that thankfully are close and make up for it. Perhaps you need to foster that relationship or find somebody to be a surrogant grandparent from your church community.

[plansrme]

If they were my inlaws, I'd have forgotten they existed by now. :(

 

Rosie

 

:iagree:

 

I don't get why you would even ask them to babysit when you know they are going to say no. Just pay a sitter, ignore the in-laws and move on. I am floored by what some people expect, on the one hand, and put up with, on the other hand, from family members.

 

And yes, I practice what I preach. Without going into too much detail, we've written one or more prodigal grandparents out of our kids' lives. It is the grandparent's loss, but I will not tacitly sanction offensive behavior by letting a grandparent engage in such behavior in front of my children.

 

Terri

[JVA]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this from your ILs. BTDT. My mother never saw the importance of such things, either. Here's my advice (I didn't read many of your previous replies):

 

1. Drop you expectations. They don't appear to have the same idea about grandparenting that you do. Don't rely on them. NEVER plan a party around them- too upsetting for your boys if they bail. (I did that once and it was a fiasco- 2 hugely different ideas collided)

 

2. Your dh needs to step up and grow a spine. These are his parents; he needs to confront their hurtful behavior. He will need to shield his wife and boys from his selfish parents in the future. He may need to practice his speech to them but it is HIS to give- not yours. He's wimping out - Sorry to say that. Now, it could be that after he informs them of the effect of their self-centeredness, they may reform some. But,don't let them off the hook.

 

3. Find substitute grandparents. Yup. Find another grandma or a pair to get to know your boys and help them form that kind of relationship. Sad, but your in-laws have lost some of their priveleges, in my opinion. Of course, let them around your boys, but only in arrangements where you set the tone, time and boundary.

 

4. If your boys ask about them, be honest and tell them the ils are busy and they'll see them another time. Our kids had my selfish mother figured out by the time they were teens. Yes, it's sad, but an object lesson in many ways.

 

5. MOST IMPORTANT- you and your dh have to be on the same page about this. Give your in-laws and the boys the SAME message. Compromise may be necessary. Plan an extra little something for your son's missed opportunity. Blessings on you.:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:

[jplain]

:blink: Canceling a child's birthday party? How cruel. :mad:

 

I think you've gotten excellent advice.

 

Sometime in the future, if the IL's express dismay at not being consulted or included, I'd be simple and clear with them: "In the past, you have chosen to act in ways that have hurt my children's feelings. As their parent, it is my job to teach them to recognize and cultivate healthy relationships. I can't encourage them to invest energy in relationships with people who carelessly disregard their feelings, even if those people are family."

 

(Truth be told, I do think family is allowed a little leeway, but I'd not admit that to someone whose behaved badly toward my child.)

[Night Elf]

Another side note ;) DH has a new job near their home so he has been staying at the IL's Mon-Thurs.

 

I just realized this might be the reason the OP's DH doesn't want to confront his parents. Being able to stay with them saves money and he probably doesn't want to rock the boat. I'd suggest letting it all drop and not making plans with them for anything. Based on the OP's description, I am making the assumption the ILs may actually feel relieved to not have to deal with this anymore. They might even become a bit pleasant on the few occasions they do talk or get together with you.

 

It sounds like the family dynamics are simply off. Even the BIL must not have a problem with the status quo because he allows the parents to do things for him that surely he knows they are not doing for his brother's family.

 

Let it go and find joy with your boys without the ILs mucking it up. You're making memories for your children. Let them be really positive which will affect them as adults, IMHO.

 

FWIW, as a child/teen, I felt like my mom's parents preferred my cousins. They had overnight stays and often my grandfather would pick the kids up randomly and take them to Kmart to buy gifts. The funny thing was that they were only allowed to buy things that had numbers to the right of the decimal. However, he never did that with me. I remember feeling hurt but as an adult, I don't care. And now my grandmother is 89 (as of today actually) and she is sweet, but she doesn't feel like a grandmother.

[KungFuPanda]

They are not required to participate in your lives, and you are not required to provide any sort of elder care. It sounds like you're off the hook. Life is too short to force relationships. Spend mote time with people who enjoy your children and everyone will be happier.

[Canadianmumof5]

:blink: Canceling a child's birthday party? How cruel. :mad:

 

I think you've gotten excellent advice.

 

Sometime in the future, if the IL's express dismay at not being consulted or included, I'd be simple and clear with them: "In the past, you have chosen to act in ways that have hurt my children's feelings. As their parent, it is my job to teach them to recognize and cultivate healthy relationships. I can't encourage them to invest energy in relationships with people who carelessly disregard their feelings, even if those people are family."

 

(Truth be told, I do think family is allowed a little leeway, but I'd not admit that to someone whose behaved badly toward my child.)

 

:iagree: The bolded above should be communicated by your DH though.....not you.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Protect your family, but don't expect them to change for you or your family:grouphug:. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Now that your children are getting older, they will be able to see and feel the disappointment and hurt; I wouldn't allow that.

 

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

Edited December 5, 2011 by Tammyla

[TheApprentice]

I'm not so sure I would confront the MIL. She's not going to change. She appears not to like the company of young children/selfish.:001_huh: I would just tell ds that sometimes mommy doesn't understand why things happen and that plans change. But I would definitely NOT try to make special things happen around IL's schedule. That is just a set up for disappointment and frustration. Have your nuclear family/friends celebration in the future and if IL's want to attend what you're having they are more than welcome, but it would be a surprise; I wouldn't tell the children.

[QueenCat]

What your in-laws did is very mean spirited. However, it is your dh who should have told them such, regardless of the living arrangements. To allow your son to be treated that way is wrong of your dh to allow without saying something. It will only happen again if your dh does not deal with it. I've been there with my in-laws; thankfully, my dh put myself and our kids first. Demand that of your dh for your own sake.

[edelweiss]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

This. You absolutely need to stop planning things around them. Just make your plans, send them an invite, and don't worry about whether they come or not. They aren't going to change, so you need to change your expectations.

 

My family is the same way. I've learned this lesson long ago. Trust me, once you let go, you'll be much happier. :grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

What your in-laws did is very mean spirited. However, it is your dh who should have told them such, regardless of the living arrangements. To allow your son to be treated that way is wrong of your dh to allow without saying something. It will only happen again if your dh does not deal with it. I've been there with my in-laws; thankfully, my dh put myself and our kids first. Demand that of your dh for your own sake.

 

:iagree:

[Puma Mom]

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

I completely agree.

 

You'll be happier if you stop expecting them to have qualities they don't have. THEY get to decide what being a grandparent means to them. My dc have grandparents that never ever communicate with them except when we are at their house for the obligatory 2-hr annual-ish visit and other grandparents who call them up to chat and are interested and involved in their lives. I didn't decide any of that; the grandparents did. It is what it is.

[Brilliant]

Call me crazy, but I would have had my kid call granny. It was her birthday too, right? He could call and say happy birthday and how sad he was that the party was canceled. Then let her enjoy that feeling while coming up with something nice to say about it. "Oh honey, I had to pay bills, maybe next year!" Yeah.

 

I think this would be a waste of time. This type of person will give the same baloney excuses to the child, and not feel a speck of guilt. Speaking from experience...

[Brilliant]

..."They love you, but they are absorbed in their own little world. We have to accept them as they are and not expect more than they can give. They're the ones who are missing out." ...

 

I love this...where can I get the t-shirt?

[AHASRADA]

I love this...where can I get the t-shirt?

 

Actually, probably cafepress.com ;)

 

They have a wide range of quotes, etc. available on Tshirts, mugs, whatever. You can choose from their selection, or customize your own item.

 

Your post was likely tongue-in-cheek, but I couldn't resist. They also have some great homeschooling messages.

[Guest submarines]

Call me crazy, but I would have had my kid call granny. It was her birthday too, right? He could call and say happy birthday and how sad he was that the party was canceled. Then let her enjoy that feeling while coming up with something nice to say about it. "Oh honey, I had to pay bills, maybe next year!" Yeah.

 

I wouldn't intentionally set up a situation where another adult can potentially say something hurtful to my child. She might not even try to come up with something nice or polite. What if she says, "I don't care, honey. Stop calling me"?

[gardenmom5]

. . . . Now, it could be that after he informs them of the effect of their self-centeredness, they may reform some. But,don't let them off the hook.

also, don't hold your breath on any "reformation" in their behavior, even if your dh confronts them. (and :iagree: he should be the one doing the confrontation.)

 

4. If your boys ask about them, be honest and tell them the ils are busy and they'll see them another time. Our kids had my selfish mother figured out by the time they were teens. Yes, it's sad, but an object lesson in many ways.

 

It's kinda funny to listen my all my mil's 13 grandchlidren talk about her from the time they were kids. not even the SWEET ones - and they are very sweet and get along with almost *everyone* - can stand her. (I swear she has to be insane.) even the one I've always thought of as her favorite has been known to "Run" when she heard grandma was approaching.

[learningmama]

:grouphug: We have family members like this too. It's rough, especially because it was for the little guy. I wouldn't involve them in plans in the future either. Invite them, but don't ever expect them to have something at their house.

[Jennifer3141]

Your ILs are awful. Just awful.

 

But you need to back off and leave them to it. I'm sorry. I think the poster who said that your ILs just aren't that into your family (for whatever crazy reason!) is right. Let them go as distant as they want - it's their loss, not yours. You have a wonderful family with fabulous kids. They are going to miss that.

 

Plan your own parties. :grouphug:

[PeacefulChaos]

:grouphug: I definitely can empathize with your predicament. :( Unfortunately.

 

It's seriously time to stop planning ANYTHING with them. Feel free to invite them to things but then don't give it a 2nd thought. If they show up, great. If they don't, you won't be emotionally invested in it. I'm sorry your kids don't/won't have the idyllic grandparents memories, but accept it for what it is. If the kids ever ask about plans, just say the grandparents are busy. If they ask why the grandparents are always busy, look them in the eyes, shake your head in puzzlement, and say 'I don't know, but we love them anyway.'

 

Seriously, after that major disappointment, I would not give them any opportunity to do that again. I don't know what you do for Christmas but if I was the one in your situation, I wouldn't even think about going to their house. I would invite them to come to my house on Christmas day for a meal or something but that's it. If they are the type of people to demand why, just tell them the boys needed a disappointment free holiday. And let them stick that in their stocking.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

We have had many such disappointments around here too. Having the child say something hasn't helped around here either. My children are not the favored grandchildren and even among them one is favored least. They (the grandparents) have made it clear to our children that their only love language (to them) is gifts and not to expect more.

 

After several years of my oldest asking to stay the night with Nana and Papa he finally gave up about a year ago. Their excuses were that he might wet the bed. Then it was that he might get afraid of the dark and then it was that they had appointments the next day... like having to take the great-grandmother out to dinner the next night. My oldest begged his Nana to go on a date once... just to spend time with her... he saved up for three months to take her out. He bought tickets to a play and she backed out at the last minute... because she just didn't feel like going out. He has never asked her for any quality time since. Ds did the same with his grandfather and a demolition derby. His grandfather changed his mind two days before the event. My ds doesn't like demolition derby he just thought it would be something his grandfather would like (it is). He didn't have other plans he just decided not to go.

 

My 10yo has asked to spend time with his grand parents. But when he was 7 or so his grandmother was mean to him when she was alone with him and he has not since wanted to be with her alone. Mostly ds says initial hello's and good byes and spends the rest of the time playing with 3 legos and a screw when with his grandparents.

 

My 7yo does not ask to spend time with his grandparents because he has no desire to spend time with his words "people who don't like me anyway." I think that is so sad. I have never told the children this, nor has my husband... they are just smart enough to figure out when someone would rather they sit quietly and not be seen or heard.

 

My dd 4 is not oblivious to the lack of interest but she has been the longest on trying to develop some kind of bond with the in-laws. Still she hasn't asked to have a tea party with Nana in about 5 months... though she has asked a couple ladies in the church we attend... who btw were happy to oblige.

 

It is so sad that their grandparents have missed so many cute happy memories because they choose not to take the time. DD is their only granddaughter. You'd think they would want to at least spoil her. But they don't.

:crying::mad::grouphug:

 

It almost sounds like my mil. I think in the future just make your own plans. I think I would have even taken my kid to chuck e cheese and explained it was too loud for his grandparents and I don't say that lightly as we don't go to Chuck E Cheese unless somebody invites us.

 

It is hard to accept that my MIL can't/won't watch my well behaved children but dotes on another grandchild and constantly has her and her siblings and can watch them even over night. So I feel your pain. I won't get better.

 

I do have terrific parents that thankfully are close and make up for it. Perhaps you need to foster that relationship or find somebody to be a surrogant grandparent from your church community.

 

:iagree: