What would you do if your husband INSISTED on ps?

[AuntieM]

I would ask that before you agree, he must do a few things.

 

Make him state clearly to whom he is comparing the children. Something has triggered his discontent meter. Any influential, opinionated coworkers come to mind? Why is that person's opinion more important than yours?

 

Ask him to describe - with examples - what he'd like his kids to actually be like. Is it realistic to expect that public school would achieve that? What about private school? If it's that important to him that his children be socialized in the way he desires, let him put his money where his mouth is.

 

Ask him to visit the school to observe what happens, not in a supervised classroom, but what he sees and hears in the hallways, lunchroom, schoolyard at recess, before/after/between classes. (And yeah, good luck to him for even being allowed to schedule such a visit.)

 

How's the school district? Got the report yet on graduation stats, test scores, crimes against students/teachers? Are things safe yet happily average? What programs are offered to meet his childrens' individual needs (wait, he doesn't understand what those needs are? I thought not...)?

How 'bout those student fees? Priced those out, plus cost of more quantity and quality of clothing? School lunch expenses? Public education is not a free education. If his unspoken motivation is cost, he better do some number crunching.

 

I sound sarcastic, but don't mean to, really. It's just that his reasons sem weak and ps is not usually the best fix. I wonder, is it really about the kids, or about the amount of time and energy the dw is spending on school. Does it cut into his time at home? Does it leave her too tired to keep the house in order or meet his needs for her time and intimacy (heh, just wait til they are teenagers...)? Often there's more to the story.

 

What do the kids want? Maybe they do need some refinement in the area of social graces. Throwing them to the wolves won't make that happen.

 

This would be a huge issue for me. I have some in school now, and that decision did not come lightly. But it was a unanimous decision in the end. His insisting on it as his decree would have caused irreparable harm to our marriage.

[Scarlett]

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=89615

 

The above link is my thread about this issue from 2 1/2 years ago. My then husband was insisting on public school and I was pretty sure I was going to have to stop homeschooling.

 

Within a month of posting this thread I discovered my husband was having an affair. I filed for divorce, got full custody and have continued homeschooling my ds.

 

I often remember that time of confusion and I think the push for ds going to public school had MUCH more to do with my XH's messed up head than anything else.

 

Not saying that is the case in the situation you are describing. But absent any legitimate concerns about the children educational progress I start looking at other factors.

[Scarlett]

:iagree: But I am not really the submissive type (and would not marry a patriarchal type).

 

I didn't marry a patriarchal type (the first time--well either time :lol:) but my now XH was VERY opposed to homeschooling....you just never know the issues that will cause division.

[justamouse]

I don't see this as an issue of homeschooling being more important than the marriage. I see this as a fundamental problem within the marriage. This man does not respect his wife. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't stay married to a man who didn't respect me. I wouldn't stay married to man I didn't respect, either.

 

Dh and I periodically discuss public school. It's not completely off the table. It simply isn't better than homeschooling at this point. I know my kids could attend public school and do well.

 

The real issue here, though, is a lack of respect for the wife's concerns and preferences. THAT is a hill to die on.

:iagree::iagree:

 

FWIW, I cannot even fathom marrying that kind of man, or staying married to him.

 

Love covers a multitude of sins, but being fired from my job from my Dh because he thought our kids were weird and not tough? Sorry, he sounds like a flat out bully and I don't tolerate that.

[musicianmom]

I'd keep homeschooling until he got around to enrolling them in ps, by which time they'd probably be married with kids of their own.

[Mommy22alyns]

I too have a hard time envisioning myself even married to someone who would do this. I would fight as hard as I could to keep homeschooling, asking the many excellent questions ladies here have already come up with. Is he willing to take on the whole load of responsibilities in having them in PS?

[DianeW88]

You know, what *I* would do in this situation really doesn't apply here. LOL This woman's marriage and the idea of her husband handing down an edict like "our children will now attend public school" is so completely foreign to me, that I don't even know how to respond to it. Neither my dh nor I INSIST on anything in our marriage and we don't *do* that patriarchy stuff. We are equal partners in our marriage.

 

So...based on the fact that this woman even married someone like that to begin with, and she believes that it is his right to dictate this sort of thing....I imagine her kids will be enrolled full-time in PS come September. And based on what you've said, I think it will be a struggle for them. And the "quirky" child will have a particularly hard time, because "quirkiness" is not well tolerated among that age group. I hope her dh is prepared to deal with the fallout....but somehow I doubt it.

 

However, like the other posters, I would love to hear his side of things. I'm simply basing my answer on the wife's story, but I also think there is probably more than meets the eye to all of this.

[Cindyg]

Well I am in this situation. Except that my dh wants ds to go to a private school. The compromise we worked out was to wait until 9th grade. This is still not a simple or pleasant situation. It's not even a done deal. But I did get to keep ds home for/from middle school.

 

ETA: Dad is a parent too. If he's not comfortable with the homeschool, that is no less important than the mom not being comfortable with the brick school. Which is no less important than the dad not being comfortable with homeschool. It's a real conundrum.

[AimeeM]

I think that's a bit unfair.

Most Moms on here, even the ones with husbands not fully supportive of homeschooling, do not take on all of homeschooling by themselves. In the least, their husbands provide financially so that Mom can homeschool.

I too have a hard time envisioning myself even married to someone who would do this. I would fight as hard as I could to keep homeschooling, asking the many excellent questions ladies here have already come up with. Is he willing to take on the whole load of responsibilities in having them in PS?

[Scarlett]

I too have a hard time envisioning myself even married to someone who would do this. I would fight as hard as I could to keep homeschooling, asking the many excellent questions ladies here have already come up with. Is he willing to take on the whole load of responsibilities in having them in PS?

 

But see, if she is going to be that contrary she may as well refuse to put them in public school.

 

When I had this problem come up almost 3 years ago people told me the same thing....but I KNOW that if I had tried that approach our lives would have been a living Hades.

[jennsmile]

Are these the only kids? I think in her shoes I would brush up my teaching skills, get a job at a local private school and enroll my kids in the school. Then they could still be close but have some experience dealing with others which is what DH wants.

 

Alternatively perhaps if socialization is the issue (and it sounds like it might be) work on getting more outside activities, scouts, sports ect. So the children can interact more with others.

 

I feel for her. My dh would not have a problem if I decided to PS my kids.

[gaillardia]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

Honestly, I cannot fathom this. I think I'd leave my husband. I would put my kids in school for a good reason (such as we direly need more money and I need to work, or I dropped dead). But the reasons he states aren't good enough. I'd consider it an insult towards me for all the years of effort I put into homeschooling.

 

I feel the same. I love my husband a great deal. He is my best friend. But honestly when it comes to the kids I wouldn't put up with anything from him that I'd perceive as harmful. I can't imagine him doing that, but I think I'd turn into a momma bear (and you don't want to mess with an angry momma bear).

 

I'd probably say, " You get that ball rolling hon." And I would have no idea where to start. none. at.all.

 

That is prob all it would take in my house :lol:

 

He would be responsible for signing them up and getting them to and from.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

FWIW, I cannot even fathom marrying that kind of man, or staying married to him.

 

Love covers a multitude of sins, but being fired from my job from my Dh because he thought our kids were weird and not tough? Sorry, he sounds like a flat out bully and I don't tolerate that.

:iagree:

[KarenC]

Does the school allow part-time students? I would consider part-time public school. If not, and she really believes her kids are better off homeschooling, then that is the hill I would die on.

 

If my husband thought so little of my efforts and my thoughts on the matter, it would seriously harm our relationship. I can't imagine being married to someone who did not value my opinion on such an important subject.

 

Karen

[Scarlett]

Then again there is an angle we haven't really looked at. Maybe she isn't doing a good job and the kids aren't doing well with it. If I was doing a crappy job I would want my husband to tell me. Maybe she could offer to make some changes.

 

But yeah the whole issue is really that this guy doesn't respect her. She seems to be ok with that fact. What else is there to say about that?

 

Maybe.

 

Maybe he doesn't respect her and she isn't ok with it but trying to keep her family together.

 

Who knows. My ds was doing wonderful in homeschool. VERY social...even by XH's admission. Was on the swim team....had lots of friends. But XH just didn't like it that ds wasn't like every other kid out there living the public school experience. He also had a lot of trouble from his mother over it. He told me just recently (ds topped out on a standardized test) with TEARS in his eyes that he was wrong about the homeschool issue. That I've done a good job and he THANKED me for teaching our son.

 

If I were OP I'd look for other influences.

[melissel]

He told me just recently (ds topped out on a standardized test) with TEARS in his eyes that he was wrong about the homeschool issue. That I've done a good job and he THANKED me for teaching our son.

 

Wow, Scarlett. Did you just totally :svengo:? Were pigs in ballet tutus flying around overhead? That must have been extremely gratifying.

[Scarlett]

Wow, Scarlett. Did you just totally :svengo:? Were pigs in ballet tutus flying around overhead? That must have been extremely gratifying.

 

Yes...:lol: When I told ds's counselor he said, 'what were your feelings?' I said, 'Vindication.' He wanted me to feel 'happy' with the compliment XH gave me. Whatever. :glare:

[TranquilMind]

While I don't think that middle school is considered the best time to put them into ps, I don't think it is the worst thing ever for kids to be public schooled either.

 

I think in her case, I would say, "I understand your wanting them to be in public school as they get older. But middle school is an especially difficult time socially. Could we wait until each of them start high school?" Maybe that would be a compromise that would work for both of them.

That's what I'd do. Though I too can't imagine being married to someone who didn't "get" my concerns. Middle school is rough. I'd not do it then, unless no option. High school is fine.

[KungFuPanda]

If the kids are in school all day, I'm going back to work. If I'm working, half of the housework and childcare responsibilities just became his. I'm just sayin.'. He doesn't sound like the type who wants to help with a research report on bats.

[melmichigan]

"The kids need to learn to toughen up. They're weird. They need to be in school to learn what life is like. This homeschooling thing has gone on too long already."

 

My friend taught middle school and knows what ps can be like. Her kids are 9, 10 and 11.

 

I think we are missing to much of what really happened/is happening to be of much help. There is way more to this story....

[melissel]

If the kids are in school all day, I'm going back to work. If I'm working, half of the housework and childcare responsibilities just became his. I'm just sayin.'. He doesn't sound like the type who wants to help with a research report on bats.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Yes...:lol: When I told ds's counselor he said, 'what were your feelings?' I said, 'Vindication.' He wanted me to feel 'happy' with the compliment XH gave me. Whatever. :glare:

 

Oh brother. You know, I really think some things are just too much to ask of human nature. Vindication is close enough!!!

[FO4UR]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't see this as an issue of homeschooling being more important than the marriage. I see this as a fundamental problem within the marriage. This man does not respect his wife. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't stay married to a man who didn't respect me. I wouldn't stay married to man I didn't respect, either.

 

Dh and I periodically discuss public school. It's not completely off the table. It simply isn't better than homeschooling at this point. I know my kids could attend public school and do well.

 

The real issue here, though, is a lack of respect for the wife's concerns and preferences. THAT is a hill to die on.

 

:iagree:

 

 

If the kids are in school all day, I'm going back to work. If I'm working, half of the housework and childcare responsibilities just became his. I'm just sayin.'. He doesn't sound like the type who wants to help with a research report on bats.

 

 

Oh, dear...you missed the memo.;):tongue_smilie: HE is the authority. You will do what he delegates to you and smile about it, or else.

[Joy at Home]

What would I do?

 

Insist otherwise, and just go ahead with what I thought was best. I would give him a fair hearing, but I am the primary care taker, and thus, at the end of the day, I am the final decision maker.

 

Thankfully, my dh respects my wisdom in these realms and also happens to agree with me the vast majority of the time, but of we weren't of one mind, I'd just exert my authority.

 

Fwiw, I am aghast at the reference to authoritarian HUSBANDS. How archaic.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Dustybug]

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where the marriage could be affected. If it were me, I would put the kids in ps, but continue asking for respectful discussions to keep the lines of communication open. He might find that having the kids in school isn't what he expected. But I simply cannot imagine trying to homeschool if my DH was 100% against it.

 

 

Ultimately, for me my marriage would come before home education. Home education isn't the only way to educate. OTOH- if dh felt strongly that Doodle needed to go to a traditional classroom next year, I would be looking at jobs to pay for private school.

 

 

 

IMO - homeschooling isn't a hill I would allow my marriage to die on. My children's education is important, but not more important than my marriage. A year or two in school (if it sucks) won't kill them. Dad will notice if it's a horrible experience. If it's a great experience, no issue.

 

Let's look at this from another angle.

 

Many moms pull their children from PS to homeschool. Many of us insist it is right for our children, putting up an initial fight to our spouse, because of a negative experience in PS.

In this case, we have the same situation; only reversed. Dad sees something he doesn't like in the homeschooling, so he wants to try something different.

 

These are his children too.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I havent read all of the responses, but I completely agree with the above. My marriage is #1, homeschooling falls further down on my priority list, and I'm a wife who is submissive to my husband and I had to really really convince him to get on the homeschooling wagon(but without arguing, etc). I would be heart broken to send my kids to school, but I still would not throw my marriage away because of it.

[Scarlett]

I think we are missing to much of what really happened/is happening to be of much help. There is way more to this story....

 

I am curious why you think that?

 

In my case there wasn't more to the story. XH just didn't want ds to be a homeschooled kid. He much prefers the status quo.

[Impish]

I think I would tell him to find a good lawyer. I know terrible of me but the children are mine always have been. I will never have never bend to someone telling me what to do with my kids. Not their father, not his family or mine. It was established when the first child was born, they are mine all choices all everything is on me and you may share your opinion when I ask and only then.

That would be the end of my marriage, if EITHER of us ever dared to take that kind of stance. The children didn't spring fully formed from my forehead or his. They're OUR children.

 

If Wolf turned against hsing, I'd offer to get him a CAT scan, b/c he'd obviously had some sort of traumatic head injury to cause an about face like that.

[Scarlett]

That would be the end of my marriage, if EITHER of us ever dared to take that kind of stance. The children didn't spring fully formed from my forehead or his. They're OUR children.

 

If Wolf turned against hsing, I'd offer to get him a CAT scan, b/c he'd obviously had some sort of traumatic head injury to cause an about face like that.

 

I think that is the case with many dad's on this board. Sometimes though the homeschool experience begins as an indulgment that he 'agrees to' and when it doesn't get old for mom or the kids dad eventually states his REAL feelings on it.

 

That was the case with my XH. I honestly was surprised he hadn't INSISTED before ds was 9. But at the same time, given how well ds was doing I thought he would eventually come around to being pro homeschooling. (he did but it took divorce first)

[FO4UR]

 

I havent read all of the responses, but I completely agree with the above. My marriage is #1, homeschooling falls further down on my priority list,

 

 

 

My opinion: HSing is merely one detail in an already broken marriage.

 

 

Why is it considered that SHE is (potentially/theoretically) throwing away a marriage over school b/c she wants to HS, but when HE wants to ps and refuses to discuss/compromise/communicate about the matter he is NOT throwing away that same marriage...over school???

 

 

This marriage, as understood in this thread, is already broken. The question is whether or not the woman should shed light on the ugly truth and fight for what is best for her dc...or should she sweep the ugly under the rug again regardless of who pays the piper...and it's those KIDS who will ultimately pay!!!

 

I'd be shining light all over that ugly! :auto:

[Jean in Newcastle]

My opinion: HSing is merely one detail in an already broken marriage.

 

 

Why is it considered that SHE is (potentially/theoretically) throwing away a marriage over school b/c she wants to HS, but when HE wants to ps and refuses to discuss/compromise/communicate about the matter he is NOT throwing away that same marriage...over school???

 

 

This marriage, as understood in this thread, is already broken. The question is whether or not the woman should shed light on the ugly truth and fight for what is best for her dc...or should she sweep the ugly under the rug again regardless of who pays the piper...and it's those KIDS who will ultimately pay!!!

 

I'd be shining light all over that ugly! :auto:

 

I think that is a pretty big jump in thinking about a marriage that we've only heard about 3rd hand. Many marriages have a "traditional" paradigm of the husband having the last say and are not broken or abusive. (And some have that paradigm and are abusive just as some don't and are still broken and abusive. . . )

 

We've been told that the husband is insisting but have you never met other people who are stubborn? I'm stubborn at times - sometimes rightly and sometimes wrongly. I think that if I stubbornly insisted on homeschooling my kids no matter what my spouse said, that I would be just as wrong as the spouse who is stubbornly insisting on public school. We don't know if she (or the OP who is just a friend she has confided in) has tried to sit down to really talk about the issue in a non confrontational way.

 

The OP paints the husband as being unreasonable by saying that he won't listen to a doctor. About what? Homeschooling? Marriage counseling? That seems like a strange person to go to for homeschooling or marriage advice. And I'm sure that I'm not the only person to know perfectly affable men who don't like to go to the doctor about health issues. So - red herring here.

 

We don't know this situation. I would counsel the OP to not get involved in someone else's marriage or family dynamics. At the most, she can counsel her friend to actually talk to her husband and to give him plenty of information so that even if he sticks with a traditional paradigm of being the final say, then he has enough information to make a good decision.

[Amy in NH]

Mine wouldn't because it was discussed and agreed upon before we were married. Our values and priorities are the same (most of the time).

[AimeeM]

Me thinks that you are a wise, wise woman :D

I think that is a pretty big jump in thinking about a marriage that we've only heard about 3rd hand. Many marriages have a "traditional" paradigm of the husband having the last say and are not broken or abusive. (And some have that paradigm and are abusive just as some don't and are still broken and abusive. . . )

 

We've been told that the husband is insisting but have you never met other people who are stubborn? I'm stubborn at times - sometimes rightly and sometimes wrongly. I think that if I stubbornly insisted on homeschooling my kids no matter what my spouse said, that I would be just as wrong as the spouse who is stubbornly insisting on public school. We don't know if she (or the OP who is just a friend she has confided in) has tried to sit down to really talk about the issue in a non confrontational way.

 

The OP paints the husband as being unreasonable by saying that he won't listen to a doctor. About what? Homeschooling? Marriage counseling? That seems like a strange person to go to for homeschooling or marriage advice. And I'm sure that I'm not the only person to know perfectly affable men who don't like to go to the doctor about health issues. So - red herring here.

 

We don't know this situation. I would counsel the OP to not get involved in someone else's marriage or family dynamics. At the most, she can counsel her friend to actually talk to her husband and to give him plenty of information so that even if he sticks with a traditional paradigm of being the final say, then he has enough information to make a good decision.

[jplain]

HS'ing is a red herring.

According to the mom, dad does not accept his kids as they are.

He allegedly called them weird, and believes they need to change. :blink:

There's the real problem. I don't know how you fix that one. :crying:

[Jean in Newcastle]

HS'ing is a red herring.

According to the mom, dad does not accept his kids as they are.

He allegedly called them weird, and believes they need to change. :blink:

There's the real problem. I don't know how you fix that one. :crying:

 

But we don't know the context of that either. My ds is "quirky" - at times he is even weird. I've actually posted asking for advice at times on some of these issues. I love my son and accept him but we've worked hard with him to change some socially difficult behaviors.

 

Sometimes moms do not see problems that are there because they are too close to the problem. And sometimes dads are too distant to see that something they see as a problem really isn't an issue. It could be either.

 

But whichever it is, the issue for the OP is how can she as an interested friend, support this family. Again, I think that urging discussion between the husband and wife is the way to go. And I would go so far as to urge discussion that strives for each party to really understand where the other person is coming from. There are of course parents who don't love their kids but I would assume that the dad loves his kids very much and wants the best for them. I would urge the mom to appeal to that even as I would urge her to try to look objectively at her kids.

[Impish]

I call my kids weird all the time. Heck, I *tell* them they're weird.

 

Cause they are.

 

Just like their Daddy.

 

(Nothing to do with me. Nope. I'm totally normal. *adjusts tinfoil hat*)

[jplain]

I call my kids weird all the time. Heck, I *tell* them they're weird.

 

Cause they are.

 

Just like their Daddy.

 

(Nothing to do with me. Nope. I'm totally normal. *adjusts tinfoil hat*)

:lol:

 

Yeah, one of my kids is weird too. Jury's still out on the other one. I don't have a problem with the word weird.

 

What I'm responding to is insinuation that these kids' brand of weird is a problem, and that sending them to school will somehow change them from weird to normal.

Nah. It won't. As has already been said on this thread, there are plenty of weird kids in school.

[catz]

Many moms pull their children from PS to homeschool. Many of us insist it is right for our children, putting up an initial fight to our spouse, because of a negative experience in PS.

In this case, we have the same situation; only reversed. Dad sees something he doesn't like in the homeschooling, so he wants to try something different.

 

These are his children too.

 

:iagree: I wouldn't assume the husband is the "enemy" here. He might about face if PS is a poor fit and he sees ramifications. And she might do the same if things go well. There may be reasons he wants the kids to try school specific to their situation and family dynamics.

 

If my husband really thought our kids would be better off in school, it would certainly be on the table for discussion. If we were going to try it, I'd prefer to wait until high school. And I'm FAR from being in a patriarchal set up here. I make many more kid and house related decisions here. If I weren't married, I wouldn't be homeschooling anyway so our marriage would definitely come first. Homeschooling has been a great fit for our kids and a fantastic lifestyle for us, but it's not a hill to die on for me. I wouldn't necessarily assume it was an attack on ME either. I've led my DH down a few roads I'm sure he thought he'd never be on.

 

On the other hand, I agree this could just be another problem in a broken marriage. It makes for an interesting discussion, but I think all you can do for your friend is be a good listener.

[FO4UR]

I think that is a pretty big jump in thinking about a marriage that we've only heard about 3rd hand.

 

 

Thus my "as in understood in this thread" disclaimer. From what I've heard in this thread about the husband and wife, he gave a command and she is to obey. That indicates a major marriage issue to me. jmho....and it's OK if my opinion isn't shared.:001_smile:

 

 

 

We've been told that the husband is insisting but have you never met other people who are stubborn? I'm stubborn at times - sometimes rightly and sometimes wrongly. I think that if I stubbornly insisted on homeschooling my kids no matter what my spouse said, that I would be just as wrong as the spouse who is stubbornly insisting on public school. We don't know if she (or the OP who is just a friend she has confided in) has tried to sit down to really talk about the issue in a non confrontational way.

 

Yes, I know stubborn people. (:lol:...b/c my own dh fits that description...and I, most definitely, fit that description...) I agree that *insisting* one way or the other with zero respect for the other spouse's thoughts is wrong. Stubbornly defending your position until you've exhausted all angles, and listening as your spouse does the same is good. (especially when I'm right:tongue_smilie:)

 

The OP paints the husband as being unreasonable by saying that he won't listen to a doctor. About what? Homeschooling? Marriage counseling? That seems like a strange person to go to for homeschooling or marriage advice. And I'm sure that I'm not the only person to know perfectly affable men who don't like to go to the doctor about health issues. So - red herring here.

 

 

You have a good point in that the OP's description paints a picture, and one that is likely incomplete.

 

We don't know this situation. I would counsel the OP to not get involved in someone else's marriage or family dynamics. At the most, she can counsel her friend to actually talk to her husband and to give him plenty of information so that even if he sticks with a traditional paradigm of being the final say, then he has enough information to make a good decision.

 

 

I'm not really counselling the OP or the woman. I'm *speculating* at what I think is really going on.

 

I think it is great advice - for most people - to talk to their spouse calmly, sharing information, plodding through all of the pros/cons and talking through possible scenarios before making a decision. Even stubborn people can do this.

 

The problem with that advice - for some people - is that one spouse refuses to participate in that kind of conversation. It takes 2 people to co-parent and make a marriage. If the husband has already set the paradigm of Master of the House, then there is nothing she can say or do...except remove herself from his domain and make her own decisions. In that paradigm, who destroyed the marriage?

 

 

 

I think, the Head of Household/Submissive Wife model can easily be used as a mask to hide a seriously abusive situation. It doesn't have to, but it just often does. fwiw - I believe in biblical submission, but this AIN'T it. (bad grammar for emphasis:tongue_smilie:)

 

 

HS'ing is a red herring.

According to the mom, dad does not accept his kids as they are.

He allegedly called them weird, and believes they need to change. :blink:

There's the real problem. I don't know how you fix that one. :crying:

 

:iagree:

 

 

Again, I think that urging discussion between the husband and wife is the way to go. And I would go so far as to urge discussion that strives for each party to really understand where the other person is coming from.

 

 

Your assumption that the husband cares to listen and struggle *together* through this decision is as big of an assumption as mine.:001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

Your assumption that the husband cares to listen and struggle *together* through this decision is as big of an assumption as mine.:001_smile:

 

Yes. But it isn't an assumption that is written off by a traditional "man as the head of household" situation. That is what I'm trying to say. Most people I know who have had this dynamic (including my parents) had the man as the "tie breaker" and as the final say but not as the only say. Sometimes women don't speak up when they really could even within the confines of this dynamic.

 

Now, there are men (and women) who have misunderstood this to make it arbitrarily unilateral with no discussion from the wife or respect for her wisdom. In that case, the woman only has the "agree and shut up" or "fight the system, possibly putting her marriage in jeopardy" dichotomy. But I would want to know a lot more before assuming that a marriage is that black and white.

[clarkacademy]

That would be the end of my marriage, if EITHER of us ever dared to take that kind of stance. The children didn't spring fully formed from my forehead or his. They're OUR children.

 

If Wolf turned against hsing, I'd offer to get him a CAT scan, b/c he'd obviously had some sort of traumatic head injury to cause an about face like that.

 

We were jerked all over growing up with this parent with that parent with this family in that foster... It will never happen to my children it is just that simple. Yes we made them together but really here the majority of the time the choices fall on the mother anyway. I just wanted it clear cut to begin with and 14 years later and 4 children it is still clear cut as ever.

 

On this board alone I have learned what a great choice I made keeping family to their own business and not mine. I don't have family picking at me or the children or daring to lecture that I am doing it wrong. Once my mother tried about six months ago and she quickly decided that it wasn't worth messing up our relationship for.

 

I also learned very young that marriages are rarely forever even if they are most stay out of habit or over money or whatever reasons they have but those children will be mine forever. No man will ever come before them. No job, no friend no anything. I want to know when I close my eyes I was the best mother I could be to those kids I could care less for any marriage or any man.

 

Unlike me my kids will always remember that their mommy put them first before all else. I would never put my kids in school because their dad said so. I would never have those children look at me with sadness in their eyes because I wouldn't stick up for them.

[annandatje]

....I also learned very young that marriages are rarely forever even if they are most stay out of habit or over money or whatever reasons .....

 

This is one of those unpleasant truths that people seldom acknowledge.

[clarkacademy]

This is one of those unpleasant truths that people seldom acknowledge.

 

:iagree:sadly. Such is life I guess.

[Teachin'Mine]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

:iagree: I think she could compromise and say that she'll allow a week of ps ... for her husband. Maybe if he spent some time there he'd see the fallacy of his thinking. ;) Seriously though, I can't imagine going along with his wishes. I might be willing to engage them in more outside activities - clubs, scouts - things of that sort.

[Impish]

We were jerked all over growing up with this parent with that parent with this family in that foster... It will never happen to my children it is just that simple. Yes we made them together but really here the majority of the time the choices fall on the mother anyway. I just wanted it clear cut to begin with and 14 years later and 4 children it is still clear cut as ever.

 

On this board alone I have learned what a great choice I made keeping family to their own business and not mine. I don't have family picking at me or the children or daring to lecture that I am doing it wrong. Once my mother tried about six months ago and she quickly decided that it wasn't worth messing up our relationship for.

 

I also learned very young that marriages are rarely forever even if they are most stay out of habit or over money or whatever reasons they have but those children will be mine forever. No man will ever come before them. No job, no friend no anything. I want to know when I close my eyes I was the best mother I could be to those kids I could care less for any marriage or any man.

 

Unlike me my kids will always remember that their mommy put them first before all else. I would never put my kids in school because their dad said so. I would never have those children look at me with sadness in their eyes because I wouldn't stick up for them.

My kids know that both their parents put them as a priority. Not just Mom or Dad.

 

Extended family is one thing. The children's other parent is another.

 

Personally, while children's needs are a priority, I cannot, and will not put them ahead of my marriage 100% of the time. Part of being a good parent to them, imo, is raising them with a healthy, happy, stable family life, which means that I cannot put my spouse as runner up in terms of time and attention. He has to be a priority as well, as does the entity called 'marriage'. Otherwise, the children will grow up and have lives of their own, and I'll be sharing a house with a stranger...assuming that we'd make it that far. I also don't want to set that example for my children for their future marriages. They deserve to be valued as individuals, people, spouses, not just parents.

[Cindyg]

I'm astonished that a lot of you would divorce your spouse and your child's father before sending the child to public school. My feelings about PS are pretty strong (and negative), but PS is not grounds for divorce.

 

You really think your child would be better in the middle of a divorce situation than in public school? That kind of makes me sick.

[Word Nerd]

My kids know that both their parents put them as a priority. Not just Mom or Dad.

 

Extended family is one thing. The children's other parent is another.

 

Personally, while children's needs are a priority, I cannot, and will not put them ahead of my marriage 100% of the time. Part of being a good parent to them, imo, is raising them with a healthy, happy, stable family life, which means that I cannot put my spouse as runner up in terms of time and attention. He has to be a priority as well, as does the entity called 'marriage'. Otherwise, the children will grow up and have lives of their own, and I'll be sharing a house with a stranger...assuming that we'd make it that far. I also don't want to set that example for my children for their future marriages. They deserve to be valued as individuals, people, spouses, not just parents.

 

:iagree: Well said.

[Kirch]

I'm astonished that a lot of you would divorce your spouse and your child's father before sending the child to public school. My feelings about PS are pretty strong (and negative), but PS is not grounds for divorce.

 

You really think your child would be better in the middle of a divorce situation than in public school? That kind of makes me sick.

 

ITA that PS is not grounds for divorce, but I think what people were reacting to was more the idea of dh dictating/handing down the law unilaterally without discussion or respect for the wife's opinions, efforts in homeschooling the kids, etc. It's more about the attitude/mindset of the dh than about PS, really. I wouldn't divorce my dh if he acted like that, but it would seriously damage our relationship and I would be pushing for counseling for sure.

[FO4UR]

Yes. But it isn't an assumption that is written off by a traditional "man as the head of household" situation. That is what I'm trying to say. Most people I know who have had this dynamic (including my parents) had the man as the "tie breaker" and as the final say but not as the only say. Sometimes women don't speak up when they really could even within the confines of this dynamic.

 

Now, there are men (and women) who have misunderstood this to make it arbitrarily unilateral with no discussion from the wife or respect for her wisdom. In that case, the woman only has the "agree and shut up" or "fight the system, possibly putting her marriage in jeopardy" dichotomy. But I would want to know a lot more before assuming that a marriage is that black and white.

 

The OP gave me the distinct impression that this, indeed, a "agree and shut up" kind of situation. The mom clearly does not want the kids in ps. The dad does, and is insisting upon it. I don't hear that the dad is even discussing it. He just decided.

 

Granted, all I have to go on is this thread...and not all traditional marriages work this way. My own marriage is fairly traditional, and this kind of thing would (and has LOL) raise some (insert 4 letter word). We have our own troubles, but he respects my heart/mind/role as mother. In fact, he knows that much of that trouble comes from me being the Momma-Bear protecting their little den (including our marriage!!!).

 

Submitting is laying down your own desires to love and serve another person. If I were in this woman's position, I would have to love and serve my husband by preventing him from harming his own children. IOW - I think the best way to love him and keep the family a complete unit is to put up a mature fight on the issue. I think it is unloving and cowardly to just do it b/c he says so, knowing that it is going to be harmful to the kids.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm astonished that a lot of you would divorce your spouse and your child's father before sending the child to public school. My feelings about PS are pretty strong (and negative), but PS is not grounds for divorce.

 

You really think your child would be better in the middle of a divorce situation than in public school? That kind of makes me sick.

 

 

I don't think PS vs HS is even the issue. The issue is that the husband is handing down a command. The wife has no voice in the matter.

 

 

Divorce is not better than PS.

 

Divorce is better than an overly-authoritarian father brow-beating a timid mother. We could be talking about any number of topics (clothing, sports, food, appropriate discipline, etc) and it would still be that underlying paradigm that poisons this family.

[justamouse]

ITA that PS is not grounds for divorce, but I think what people were reacting to was more the idea of dh dictating/handing down the law unilaterally without discussion or respect for the wife's opinions, efforts in homeschooling the kids, etc. It's more about the attitude/mindset of the dh than about PS, really. I wouldn't divorce my dh if he acted like that, but it would seriously damage our relationship and I would be pushing for counseling for sure.

:iagree:

 

the subtext of what/how the Dh said was unacceptable in a marriage of partners.

 

If my Dh wanted my kids in school for a good reason-my health was failing, I needed to go back to work, it gave them opportunities that we were unable to--AND one of mine IS in PS! --that's one thing. But to be demeaning to the wife and children is a symptom of a deep underlying problem-one that is unacceptable to me in a marriage.

[scrappyhappymama]

My husband isn't like that, so it's hard to relate, but I would put my marriage before my kids' education. A broken marriage is generally a lot tougher for a kid to go through than public school.

 

However, I don't think this is really a public school or divorce situation. If they're talking about September, that is a LONG way away. She has plenty of time to persuade him. If I were her, I wouldn't go for direct argumentation. I'd use the tactic of questions.

 

"I can see that sending the kids to school is something you think is very important. What do you think they'll gain from this experience?"

"You say the kids seem weird. What do you mean by "weird?" Do you mean that they aren't followers of the popular culture? Do you think that's bad? Do you mean that you think they lack social skills? I wonder if there are other ways that they could gain these skills apart from tossing out all the benefits we've seen from homeschooling. What do you think? We had tons of weird kids at my school growing up, did you?"

 

And on and on and on. For nine months. He's likely to come around if he's being illogical.

 

In the meantime I would be researching local schools like crazy. Visit them. Find the best. Then if it really does come down to "Get them in school or ELSE!" there's already a plan in place and a familiar school where the kids can be sent.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

There are many, many perspectives my husband and I had at the beginning of our marriage that have changed over time. Neither of us planned to homeschool our eventual children. I joked with friends that I was waiting to have children until they "could beam the baby out" and fully planned on epidural-birthing-nirvana and never would have expected to find myself evolved into a homebirthing, natural childbirthing advocate. My husband and I have both changed in multiple ways over the years, coming to understand each other's viewpoint better and sometimes even coming to agree with a position opposite to the one we once held. All of this communication and change and yes, sometimes even agreeing to disagree, despite the fact that we both honor a traditional biblical viewpoint of the husband as the ultimate authority in the family. The two are NOT mutually exclusive, as much as some may try to paint it to be so.

 

IF my husband were to feel so strongly about our children going to public school, I would feel honor-bound to consider his concerns, as much as I would expect him to honor my concerns if our children were public schooled and I became convinced that bringing them home would be much better for them. Or if I were to decide that *I* no longer wanted our children to be homeschooled. As the poster pointed out above, next September is quite a long time away! Reading between the lines (as admittedly all of us are doing here), it seems to me that if the father were making a unilateral, unreasonable and purely emotional decision, he'd insist they be returned to school next week, not next school year. It seems to me, he has left the door open for discussion and other potential options, while still voicing his very real (to him) concerns.

 

There are many folks in society who have concerns about socialization. Just because most of us would disagree with them doesn't make them authoritarian inconsiderate jerks. There are many families who have made the decision to send their kids to public school, and I would wager that most of them do it because they truly believe it is beneficial to their children. Rather than cast this father into the 'devil' role, perhaps it would be more beneficial to consider that he may have real concerns about the well-being of his children, and as their father, his concerns deserve to be addressed. Most importantly, I think it's worth considering that the only options here are *not* 1. Acquiescing without question to her husband's decision or 2. Going to the mat and making this a potential marriage-ending issue.

 

If I were the mother in this family, my approach would be to address my husband's concerns with humor and grace. If he expressed his concerns about our children being weird, I'd try to find out what specifically his concerns are. I'd probably make some jokes about how being "trash canned" or being called a nerd or a dork would totally solve those problems. And hope to crack the door on discovering the true root of my husband's concerns and offer some real options to address them (additional or alternative outside activities or sports or service opportunities, as examples). If these folks are Christian, then I'd recommend reminding the

husband that we are charged with being a "peculiar people" and that if our kids don't seem to fit in completely with others around them, then we may be doing something right! I'd be sharing with him more of the daily successes in our homeschooling (because I know that day-to-day I know much more about what is really going on) and making sure he sees how well our children are doing in that regard. I would honestly and humbly consider my husband's concerns, and make changes in our approach to school or in my way of doing things, if there are things I could do to reassure his heart that homeschooling is indeed the right choice for our family. I would respect that this man is equally the parent of our children, and believe that his primary interest is in their well-being (unless of course I had some other indication that this was not true). This would be a series of conversations over time, not one big knock down drag out; and the conversations would change based on my husband's responses and additional (perhaps underlying) concerns that come to light.

Edited November 26, 2011 by scrappyhappymama
typos, of course

[Trez]

I definitely agree with those who have stated that the real problem MAY be a lack of respect. (It's hard to tell without being a fly on the wall in their house.) If my husband had issues with homeschooling our kids, we would definitely have discussions which may or may not result in sending them back to ps.

 

My marriage is more important than HSing my kids. My kids need their father in their life as much as they need me. Although I believe that my children have had a better education at home, I could continue to teach/support them after school and keep our family together. If hs became more important to me than keeping our family together I think I would have to do some introspection as to who I was really homeschooling for - my kids or myself. This is of course speaking from my perspective in a loving family where I know that my husband only has the best intentions for our kids.

[mytwomonkeys]

Here, both parents have to sign off on a child homeschooling. Period. So I'm not sure there would be a battle.

That doesn't change if the parents divorce over this (which would be ridiculous).

 

IMO - homeschooling isn't a hill I would allow my marriage to die on. My children's education is important, but not more important than my marriage. A year or two in school (if it sucks) won't kill them. Dad will notice if it's a horrible experience. If it's a great experience, no issue.

 

Let's look at this from another angle.

 

Many moms pull their children from PS to homeschool. Many of us insist it is right for our children, putting up an initial fight to our spouse, because of a negative experience in PS.

In this case, we have the same situation; only reversed. Dad sees something he doesn't like in the homeschooling, so he wants to try something different.

 

These are his children too.

 

:iagree: