The Goods, The Bads, and the Only (? about pros/cons of being an only child)

[Hoggirl]

Now THAT is just plain awesome!!!! I"ll bet she was just so tickled!!

 

astrid

 

She had no idea it was happening as everyone had their hats hidden under their seats. When they stood up to start the anthem they all whipped them out and put them on. This one guy - who is probably 6'4" at least, had a HUGE red floppy straw hat with flowers. He was quite confident in his masculinity. :D

[astrid]

She had no idea it was happening as everyone had their hats hidden under their seats. When they stood up to start the anthem they all whipped them out and put them on. This one guy - who is probably 6'4" at least, had a HUGE red floppy straw hat with flowers. He was quite confident in his masculinity. :D

 

Oh WOW!!! That is just SO cool! What a FUN thing to do! I can just imagine how that lady must have felt-- what a send off!

 

astrid

[zaichiki]

I heard this all the time while parenting an only. Perhaps it's a personality quirk of your dh, but my only and the onlies I know do not have problems sharing. It's one of the most common misconceptions about only children, and really isn't fair.

 

astrid

 

My husband is an only and shares well.

I have a cousin who is an only and does not share well.

 

ETA: When I say share, in this context, I mean sharing when one doesn't *want* to share. (That's always hard, but children who have siblings have a lot more practice with that kind of sharing.)

Edited November 22, 2011 by zaichiki

[zaichiki]

I had a child development teacher that was trying to decide if she should have a second child. She surveyed all the students in her various classes. She said that some onlies were happy they didn't have siblings, and some wished they had had siblings. But NONE of her students that had siblings regretted having them. That sealed the deal for her.

 

:lurk5:

[zaichiki]

It strikes me that nearly every mother of more than one child started out with an only... so can make a comparison about what it was like (for her and in her nuclear family) to mother only one vs. what it was like to mother more. She can remember the pros and cons of having an only and compare/contrast that to her current life as mom of more than one.

 

A mother of an only, on the other hand, can only imagine what it's like to parent more than one child. And it is obviously a different experience for everyone.

 

The occasional odd person will sometimes make odd comments to my face about how 4 children is a lot. I answer that I cannot imagine which one of them I would want to "give back."

[cathmom]

 

Overall, it is sort of bittersweet. :tongue_smilie: I do not regret being an only child, but I also do not regret not having an only myself.

 

My dh is an only. Obviously he chose to have more than one child.

 

 

Yup, been there on both counts.

 

I've had someone question how I could call myself Catholic and have only one kid. It is automatically assumed that I'm on some kind of BC. No one ever thinks secondary infertility.

 

And more than one person has told me that I'm not a real mother. It has been said I have no idea how to really be a parent.

 

That's crazy. One woman I used to know suddenly started telling me on our daughters' First Communion Day how she had never used BC and had had several late-term miscarriages and was incredibly blessed that this one daughter had survived. I do not judge small families.

 

IMO a woman is a mom from the day she conceives.

 

Wow, that's all very bizarre to me. Is that the next phase after Babywise, maybe? Scheduling sibling playtimes and color-coding their pencils?

 

I guess you've never heard of MOTH (Managers of Their Homes)?

[cathmom]

Forgot to say, though, my dh did not experience many of the advantages of onlies that you all have talked about. I think it was because his parents divorced when he was 2. Having two parents pouring themselves into raising their one child is quite a different scenario than single mom struggling to make enough money to raise her child.

[Catwoman]

Personally, I think it's ridiculous for this thread to have taken an "us vs. them" attitude. My ds is an only child and he's a happy kid, but my brother had four kids and they were all happy kids, too, and have grown into adults who are still very close.

 

I don't think there should be an "only vs many" debate, because what works for one family would be a disaster for another, and none of us knows what is best for anyone else. I would be overwhelmed if I'd had more than one child, but I have an acquaintance with 10 kids and she is a wonderful mom to all of them. I know my limits, and one child was just right for me, but I would never suggest that the woman with 10 kids should have quit after having had one or two -- it's not my decision, and it's not my life.

 

I don't think it's fair for anyone to suggest that having more kids makes a person "more Christian" than someone who has only one or two children, just as I think it's terribly judgmental when I hear someone criticize someone with lots of kids by suggesting that they ought to know when it's time to quit having more babies.

 

I think the one overriding thing that I have seen in this thread is that it's time to step back and realize that our words can be hurtful to others. Sharing our personal experiences is great, but not when we add little digs to suggest that our way is the right way and others are clearly less worthy -- and I think a bit of that has happened on both the "only" side and the "many" side in this thread.

 

Obviously, there are pros and cons to both sides of the "only" issue, but I think it's kind of sad that many people seem to be taking it so personally. My feeling is that we're all homeschool parents, and we should stick together rather than find reasons to be divisive and critical.

[JennyD]

I love having my three, but we had more than one child for our benefit, not for theirs. It seems quite obvious to me that there are real tradeoffs, both for the parents and the child(ren), with different family sizes. Fortunately, there's more than one road to the good life, at least IMNSHO :001_smile:

 

I do think that some of the traditional 'negatives' associated with being an only have diminished in recent years. My father is an only child and remembers being terribly lonely, but that was in the 1940s, when families tended to be larger (at least in the community that he and my mom both grew up in), and he was an anomaly.

 

I will say that my oldest and dearest friend, who is the only child of divorced parents, always blames her 'self-centeredness' and 'need to be the center of attention' on being an only. Inconveniently for her theory, she happens to be an unusually unselfish. giving, and loving person who has dedicated her life to public service.

 

She does always want to hold the remote, though. It kind of makes her twitchy if someone else holds it. :tongue_smilie:

Edited November 22, 2011 by JennyD

[Catwoman]

She does always want to hold the remote, though. It kind of makes her twitchy if someone else holds it. :tongue_smilie:

 

:D:D:D:D

 

Well, see, there you go. If that doesn't explain the True Evil of Being an Only, I don't know what does. ;)

 

And now I know why my dh won't let me hold the remote.

 

This is such a lightbulb moment for me... :tongue_smilie:

[cathmom]

She does always want to hold the remote, though. It kind of makes her twitchy if someone else holds it. :tongue_smilie:

 

My dh needs to hold the remote too! I always thought it was because he was a man, but maybe it's because he's an only. Except...they didn't have remotes when he was growing up, so I'm not sure how it relates LOL.

[JessReplanted]

I think God has a plan for each family - and sometimes that means there will be one child, and sometimes there will be many.

 

There was a time when it looked like my son would be an 'only'.

(We struggled with secondary infertility). And I know that I thank God every day for blessing us with our additional 2 "miracles". My kids do fight and bicker - but they really do love each other, and they are best friends.

~ (and not by chance, this is something we work hard at!)

[desertmum]

Pro- when you are trying to care for aging parents you do not have to play BS games with siblings.

 

Con- when you are trying to care for aging parents you do not have any siblings to offer support or aide.

 

I think the only child/multiple child argument is the same as the homeschool/traditional school agrument in many ways. Both situations have positive and negative aspects; even sometimes what is a positive for one family is a negative to another. One is not inherently superior to another.

 

 

:iagree: I would have liked to have more than 1 child but that is not to be. I get grilled a lot from strangers about having an only which is none of their business (:chillpill:).

 

I am an only child and my best friend is also an only child. I can see the pitfalls of being an only and try to prevent them. I try to teach ds to share and that he is not Master of the Universe and all. At the same time I try to relax and try not to smother ds.

[astrid]

IMO, growing up with a sibling, then losing the sibling as an adult, is quite different from not growing up with siblings.

 

Well, not really. Not when it comes to the issues mentioned above-- caring for aging/elderly parents, having no siblings with whom to spend holidays, enjoying close relationships with adult siblings, my children having an uncle, etc.

 

And I don't know that I'd consider a junior and a senior in high school, still living at home "adult."

 

astrid

 

 

See above. It got buried elsewhere in this thread.

 

astrid

 

astrid

[Zebra]

As the mother of an only I get tired of hearing....

 

that I MUST adopt another child

that it MUST be so easy to only have one

that it is SHOCKING that my only is so selfless and kind

 

All these things have been said to me, sometimes in front of my child. And it hurts, and maybe that's why this thread hits a nerve with some people. Onlies are sometimes made to feel like they "aren't enough" and I NEVER want my daughter to feel like that. She is enough, and I wish everyone could see that.

 

Every situation has pros and cons. The key is to rejoice in the pros, and clearly see the cons and work with them. My daughter is a homeschooled only, I know enough to make an extra effort with her social life. It's that simple. Your only gets a lot of one on one time, but you have to be careful to not suffocate. Your only gets a lot of alone time, but you have to be careful to not allow them to become a hermit. It's easy for us to get school done, and I don't have piles of laundry waiting for me every day. But, that extra time and effort has to go into social things. My BF with 5 spends her days doing laundry and breaking up fights. I spend my days carting my daughter to activities, and hosting other people's children at my house.

[Joules]

No one ever said their kids were perfect. Some stated they thought their family size was perfect for them.

 

 

I would hate for a mother of a young only child to read that post and worry that she somehow couldn't instill character into her child because of the lack of a sibling.

 

:iagree:

IMHO, many of the cons of having an only that have been posted are the result of parenting choices (or just bad parenting in some cases). They could have occurred just as easily with a larger family.

 

I think it's important to point out to readers that these perceived cons of an only child family are not preordained. New moms should know that if they have only one (by circumstances or choice) that they can still homeschool and that their child is not destined to grow up without the important people skills mentioned by PPs.

[Meriwether]

As the mother of an only I get tired of hearing....

 

that I MUST adopt another child

that it MUST be so easy to only have one

that it is SHOCKING that my only is so selfless and kind

 

All these things have been said to me, sometimes in front of my child. And it hurts, and maybe that's why this thread hits a nerve with some people. Onlies are sometimes made to feel like they "aren't enough" and I NEVER want my daughter to feel like that. She is enough, and I wish everyone could see that.

 

Every situation has pros and cons. The key is to rejoice in the pros, and clearly see the cons and work with them. My daughter is a homeschooled only, I know enough to make an extra effort with her social life. It's that simple. Your only gets a lot of one on one time, but you have to be careful to not suffocate. Your only gets a lot of alone time, but you have to be careful to not allow them to become a hermit. It's easy for us to get school done, and I don't have piles of laundry waiting for me every day. But, that extra time and effort has to go into social things. My BF with 5 spends her days doing laundry and breaking up fights. I spend my days carting my daughter to activities, and hosting other people's children at my house.

 

I'm not trying to argue. I just wanted to point out that parents of onlies also make comments that rub others the wrong way. I have four kids. I have never had to deal with sibling rivalry and I don't spend my days breaking up fights. I do occasionaly have to settle disputes. And I do have lots of laundry to do.:001_smile:

 

I think the time demands of children expand to fill the time you have. If my children are fed and clothed and the house is clean and school is done, I hear, "Let's play a game, Mom," or, "Teach me to sew, Mom." I'm sure as a parent of an only your time is full. There is always more to do for or with a child. When I look at my oldest, though, I think how easy it would be if she was an only - laundry and dishes, getting drinks and blowing noses, schoolwork, sickness, dishes all increase with the number of kids. I remember being at Dd's gymnastics class when the boys were very little. Some parents were able to sit and watch their daughters and chat with the other moms. I was giving drinks, taking boys potty, and entertaining wiggly little boys. In those situations, parenting an only seems easier, so I'd give some grace to comments made in a situation like that.

[2squared]

I cannot even begin to count how many times a day my kids have to navigate relationships. All day long, which is why I'm very protective of their 'alone' time. All day long, there is this constant push/pull of someone wants, negotiating, decisions, votes.

 

From the time they wake up and put a vote in for what they want for breakfast, to when they go to bed and juggle with eachother as to when they can get in the shower. Someone is always in a position of 'preferring' someone else over themselves. Always. It doesn't stop.

 

Things that are never even a consideration to an only, are a constant navigation to siblings.

 

I totally get this. My kids go through the same thing, every day, all day. Some days I feel so badly for them. Everything they do, everything they want starts with navigating relationships in the family. Since my kids are very close and loving with each other, I *think* this experience will make them stronger.

 

I didn't understand where you are coming from until I had #4 and #5. Until then, managing the wants and needs of 1, 2, & 3 was as seeminly simple as taking turns and giving way at times. With the size of our family now it is often a situation where if some get ABC then the others don't get ABC or XYZ.

 

As with most things in life, I think the 'pros' of having an only or a large family end up to be the 'cons' as well. For instance, having a house full of sibs is a blessing (for us) since our house is usually filled with laughter, energy, and creativity. The cons (for us) is that our house is usually in motion, noisy, and intense.

[Zebra]

As with most things in life, I think the 'pros' of having an only or a large family end up to be the 'cons' as well. For instance, having a house full of sibs is a blessing (for us) since our house is usually filled with laughter, energy, and creativity. The cons (for us) is that our house is usually in motion, noisy, and intense.

 

I completely agree. Knowing exactly what your situation is and being willing to work on the cons is half the battle.

[Bluegoat]

I think that when I've talked to only children, the most common thing that I have heard as a complaint is that there was just no way to escape their parents focus as a child, and that could be overwhelming. Not just when it was negative, but even a positive focus.

 

Not that this was horribly devastating in every case, but it seems to be something a lot of them felt.

 

The other was a kind of sense of loneliness connected to events like holidays. This is more kids who didn't have much of an extended family to visit at those times either.

[zaichiki]

As with most things in life, I think the 'pros' of having an only or a large family end up to be the 'cons' as well. For instance, having a house full of sibs is a blessing (for us) since our house is usually filled with laughter, energy, and creativity. The cons (for us) is that our house is usually in motion, noisy, and intense.

:iagree:

[mhg]

That's not what I don't get. It's the attitude that certain character traits can only be learned with a sibling group. It's feels, to me as the PARENT of an only, very similar to the smacking stereotype that homeschoolers are at a distinct disadvantage because children have to learn in a peer group and should be in school to do that. We know well on this board that parents are quite able to model, teach, and learn right along side their children, that applies to character building as a well as academics. The principle doesn't apply just to those with two or more children.

 

I haven't read this entire thread, but I have a few thoughts as a mom of an only.

 

When I realized that my son (age 5 now) would likely be an only (fairly early on), I set about behaving like a sibling to him in that I'd knock over his blocks (by "accident" sometimes, on purpose at others), I'd need that crayon he was using, I'd tell him I wanted to sleep with Booper that night, I'd choose the video, I'd ask him for his last chips, I'd take a huge swig of his sacred rare-treat BugJuice, etc. --- and not because I wanted it, but for the purpose of teaching him. I'd even use my pets, "Well, we have $5 to spend on a happy here at Walmart. Let's buy something for BigPeace (our dog)." My son learned EARLY on that I wasn't going to indulge his every whim. We bought him very little as a child (we bought him a toy for birthday and 3 items for Christmas). He was so in the habit of not getting something that one day I went to Target to get him something to distract him (I needed something to be novel to him while my dad had a surgery ---- so I needed a new toy to keep him busy at the hospital waiting room). I went to Target and was prepared to spend like $40+ on one of those Imaginext Pirate ship sets and my son refused it! He was content without such. I can say that I can see where if you have one, you have to think of this side of it --- that an only doesn't have as many thwartings, sharing opportunities -- that they can get into the "habit of self" much easier than kids with siblings, but with a conscientious parent who realizes that SELF isn't a good thing, this CAN be worked on as diligently as a mom of more than one. Helping a child overcome their "SELF" is a calling all moms share. IF anything, the only can get a double dose of it, because with two big-eyed,big-earred parents like my son has, he gets by with 0.02% of his antics. And, if he grows up to be a horse's behind --- Lord knows it won't be because we didn't do our best to iron out the bulk of the wrinkles.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Are you implying that the examples I cited above were that of a "jerk"?

 

I don't know if Chucki meant that, but I was slightly horrified that you treat your child like that in an attempt to simulate some kind of (feral, un-parented) sibling.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I haven't read this entire thread, but I have a few thoughts as a mom of an only.

 

When I realized that my son (age 5 now) would likely be an only (fairly early on), I set about behaving like a sibling to him in that I'd knock over his blocks (by "accident" sometimes, on purpose at others), I'd need that crayon he was using, I'd tell him I wanted to sleep with Booper that night, I'd choose the video, I'd ask him for his last chips, I'd take a huge swig of his sacred rare-treat BugJuice, etc. --- and not because I wanted it, but for the purpose of teaching him.

 

This is the part I meant. What exactly does this teach him? That Mommy is childish?

[mhg]

I don't know if Chucki meant that, but I was slightly horrified that you treat your child like that in an attempt to simulate some kind of (feral, un-parented) sibling.

 

Those were example of things I did when he was smaller (age 2 and 3) to simulate how a sibling (in his case, it would have been a younger sibling since he was firstborn). A younger sibling would have drank from his cup, knocked the blocks over as he/she clumsily added another, would have eaten his food, etc. I didn't just haul off and laughingly destroy his tower, I would just add the huge block on the skinny frame and over it'd go (not EVERY time either!).

 

Now that he's older (5), I just go to Dillards instead of ToysRUs, and I simply ask, "Can I have that last bite of cookie?" etc. And, if he balks and whines, then it becomes an issue of greed and deviance and he still is made to share.

But, when I first began these lessons, they weren't as sophisticated. I didn't ask my 2.5 year old, "May I knock over your tower?"

 

I was never RUDE during those encounters. I didn't rudely bust over his hard work (and thereby teach/mirror rudeness). I didn't snatch his green color out of his hand, I'd say, "Mommy needs the green too; may I use it please?" I always mirrored kind behavior.

 

And, I don't think it's being a jerk to teach a child that we're not buying toys year round.

[unsinkable]

Those were example of things I did when he was smaller (age 2 and 3) to simulate how a sibling (in his case, it would have been a younger sibling since he was firstborn). A younger sibling would have drank from his cup, knocked the blocks over as he/she clumsily added another, would have eaten his food, etc. I didn't just haul off and laughingly destroy his tower, I would just add the huge block on the skinny frame and over it'd go (not EVERY time either!).

 

Now that he's older (5), I just go to Dillards instead of ToysRUs, and I simply ask, "Can I have that last bite of cookie?" etc. And, if he balks and whines, then it becomes an issue of greed and deviance and he still is made to share.

But, when I first began these lessons, they weren't as sophisticated. I didn't ask my 2.5 year old, "May I knock over your tower?"

 

I was never RUDE during those encounters. I didn't rudely bust over his hard work (and thereby teach/mirror rudeness). I didn't snatch his green color out of his hand, I'd say, "Mommy needs the green too; may I use it please?" I always mirrored kind behavior.

 

And, I don't think it's being a jerk to teach a child that we're not buying toys year round.

 

Do you mean defiance? Or really do you mean it is deviant behavior to not want to share the last bite of your cookie?

 

:confused:

[elegantlion]

And, I don't think it's being a jerk to teach a child that we're not buying toys year round.

 

We have pets, they simulate many of things you listed. In fact the dog ate two slices of bread ds had left out on the counter the other day. He left the room, he knows better. :lol: We have a cat that likes to eat paper, everything has to be picked up and the classroom door shut. But he's learned to love the pets as they are, and to forgive and still take care of them when they are being, well pets.

 

As far as the money thing we had ds earning money from an early age. Dh was self-employed money was earned by doing stuff. At two ds would help unload the dishwasher. By nine he was buying all of his own toys, buying and trading and selling cards (like Pokemon, Magic, etc). He would negotiate all the deals on his own with the owner of the hobby store.

 

He now has a list a mile long of electronics/video equipment he wants. he used to be able to go with dh to work and earn some money. Now that dh has a job, ds will have to find other outlets. He also takes great care of his items, part of that is personality, part of it, I believe, is because he earned or bought them himself.

[KungFuPanda]

You all can have any bite of my popcorn BUT the last bite.

:lurk5:

[justamouse]

You all can have any bite of my popcorn BUT the last bite.

:lurk5:

 

If it's caramel, I would feign a fight, but I know you'd win. :D

[amy g.]

I honestly believe the word deviant must have been some weird auto correct.

[mhg]

As a mom of an only...i simply recognize that a married woman's having a single child is not the biological NORM. Biologically, if a man and woman are of a fertile age and if they have regular sex, then if left unhindered, only children are not typical. They are *USUALLY* secondary to contraception -- contra (against) conception. A couple is either contracepting actively(birth control/etc.) or passively(infertility/health reasons). In any case, it should NEVER be a topic we ask people about or make negative assumptions about.

(....yes I ended a sentence with a preposition. Shurley!!!!)...........I didn't finish where I meant to go with this point. I think that it is more natural to have onlys and thus when a person such a myself doesn't have the biologically NORM, then people do tend to judge it/comment about it/make a deal over it. I editted this as I didn't complete my thought.....I think this is why we get such flack in our society for having onlys.

 

I see the pros and cons of having the one or more than one. I love the pros and have to find my way of dealing with the cons.

 

We live in an inherently affluent society. I don't care how "poor" we think we are -- compared to the world and children of times past, it is a JOB to get a kid not be self-absorbed. Rooting out self-focus is a lifelong process for every person and when a child has fewer individuals with opinions/preferences/thoughts that DIFFER from his own, he is inherently at a disadvantage in that he has fewer opportunities to practice consideration of others. Now, can this be overcome without siblings? I think so, but it takes a more conscious effort.

 

For example, my son has NEVER had to wait for a toilet like I did. My son has never waited for a sibling's game to be over. My son's never waited in a waiting room for another sibling's dr. appt. My son has never knocked another child over and hurt them and knows what that feels like. My child has never been made fun of. My son has never been in a fight. My son has never had to not get the hot water faucet in the tub. He's never run out of hot water. He's never had to go retrieve his toys from a sibling's room. He's never had a sibling deface his toys. He's never fought over the use of a toy. He's never had a missing sandwich. If he tells a corny knock knock joke, his dad and I are an unreal audience that laughs; a sibling would just look at him funny. (Dad and I are starting to not laugh but at the semi-funnies). He's never had another kid pick a different story at bedtime. For the MOST part, the day goes pretty much like he wants unless I WORK at it not. And I work at it not for HIS benefit because frankly, it's easier (on me) not to worry with this at all. I'm not a sibling, so of course I'm not in the tub wanting the hot water. I'm not in the bed with him hogging the covers. Yadayadayada.

 

If I don't WORK at making him a giver and considering others MORE than (not as much as -- but the biblical standard is MORE THAN) himself, then that will be a MAJOR disappointment to me -- and I don't know that I'd look back and blame his only-childhood on it as I've seen plenty a selfish man who grew up surrounded by the siblings. I want him to grow up to be the kind of husband that says of his wife, "You know, Jenny really needs a break from the kids today; I'm going to offer to keep them while she has a day off today; the grass can wait."

 

I was the youngest in my family. My mom says that as a 1 year old if I got a piece of candy I asked if I could have one for my sister (and I'd give it to her---not snarf it myself). I was in the "habit of consideration" that onlys don't have as easily.

 

The Kudzu-like Selfishness can abound in families with one child or in the Duggars home. But with multiples, the battle ground (practice opportunites) arise hourly!!! Siblings are a built-in "device" (to borrow a mechanical sound) to teach a kid to give/consider others.

 

Kids of this generation are selfish. They think they're all going to be actors/actresses/pro-athletes (some job where there's loads of praise from men and affirmation by people). They have NO sense of service -- they don't think of others, much less poor/hurting/needy people. We all have a MAJOR task before us if our goal is avoid raising selfish citizen(s) and the challenge is to take our family, take an honest look at the pros and cons and to work through them the best you can. (at least that's what I'm trying to do).

Edited November 22, 2011 by mhg

[Audrey]

And, I don't think it's being a jerk to teach a child that we're not buying toys year round.

 

:confused: Couldn't you just say no without employing a ruse?

[mhg]

Do you mean defiance? Or really do you mean it is deviant behavior to not want to share the last bite of your cookie?

 

:confused:

 

 

I meant defiance. (typo).

No...it's not deviant to not always want to share -- it's quite normal.

Defiant in that once I make it an issue that mom or dad has commanded you to share and he persists in the whining/refusal to do so then it is defiant.

[Audrey]

Kids of this generation are selfish. They think they're all going to be actors/actresses/pro-athletes (some job where there's loads of praise from men and affirmation by people). They have NO sense of service -- they don't think of others, much less poor/hurting/needy people. We all have a MAJOR task before us if our goal is avoid raising selfish citizen(s) and the challenge is to take our family, take an honest look at the pros and cons and to work through them the best you can. (at least that's what I'm trying to do).

 

I think you watch too much reality television. This does not describe the vast majority of kids that I know IRL.

[elegantlion]

As a mom of an only...i simply recognize that a married woman's having a single child is not the biological NORM. Biologically, if a man and woman are of a fertile age and if they have regular sex, then if left unhindered, only children are not typical. They are *USUALLY* secondary to contraception -- contra (against) conception. A couple is either contracepting actively(birth control/etc.) or passively(infertility/health reasons). In any case, it should NEVER be a topic we ask people about or make negative assumptions about.

(....yes I ended a sentence with a preposition. Shurley!!!!).

 

 

 

It sounds like you have unresolved feelings about having an only child. Whatever that reason, I am sorry. :grouphug: There are many families who feel that having one is the biological norm for them. As a christian I believe that children are a gift, I believe that sometimes God says you get one. We have one by choice and by design. The doctor told me I should not have more children, it was a decision we agreed with physically and emotionally.

[mhg]

I think you watch too much reality television. This does not describe the vast majority of kids that I know IRL.

 

Actually, I watch less than an hour of PBS per week.

[Parrothead]

As a mom of an only...i simply recognize that a married woman's having a single child is not the biological NORM. Biologically, if a man and woman are of a fertile age and if they have regular sex, then if left unhindered, only children are not typical. They are *USUALLY* secondary to contraception -- contra (against) conception. A couple is either contracepting actively(birth control/etc.) or passively(infertility/health reasons). In any case, it should NEVER be a topic we ask people about or make negative assumptions about.

(....yes I ended a sentence with a preposition. Shurley!!!!).

 

I see the pros and cons of having the one or more than one. I love the pros and have to find my way of dealing with the cons.

 

We live in an inherently affluent society. I don't care how "poor" we think we are -- compared to the world and children of times past, it is a JOB to get a kid not be self-absorbed. Rooting out self-focus is a lifelong process for every person and when a child has fewer individuals with opinions/preferences/thoughts that DIFFER from his own, he is inherently at a disadvantage in that he has fewer opportunities to practice consideration of others. Now, can this be overcome without siblings? I think so, but it takes a more conscious effort.

 

For example, my son has NEVER had to wait for a toilet like I did. My son has never waited for a sibling's game to be over. My son's never waited in a waiting room for another sibling's dr. appt. My son has never knocked another child over and hurt them and knows what that feels like. My child has never been made fun of. My son has never been in a fight. My son has never had to not get the hot water faucet in the tub. He's never run out of hot water. He's never had to go retrieve his toys from a sibling's room. He's never had a sibling deface his toys. He's never fought over the use of a toy. He's never had a missing sandwich. If he tells a corny knock knock joke, his dad and I are an unreal audience that laughs; a sibling would just look at him funny. (Dad and I are starting to not laugh but at the semi-funnies). He's never had another kid pick a different story at bedtime. For the MOST part, the day goes pretty much like he wants unless I WORK at it not. And I work at it not for HIS benefit because frankly, it's easier (on me) not to worry with this at all. I'm not a sibling, so of course I'm not in the tub wanting the hot water. I'm not in the bed with him hogging the covers. Yadayadayada.

If I don't WORK at making him a giver and considering others MORE than (not as much as -- but the biblical standard is MORE THAN) himself, then that will be a MAJOR disappointment to me -- and I don't know that I'd look back and blame his only-childhood on it as I've seen plenty a selfish man who grew up surrounded by the siblings. I want him to grow up to be the kind of husband that says of his wife, "You know, Jenny really needs a break from the kids today; I'm going to offer to keep them while she has a day off today; the grass can wait."

 

I was the youngest in my family. My mom says that as a 1 year old if I got a piece of candy I asked if I could have one for my sister (and I'd give it to her---not snarf it myself). I was in the "habit of consideration" that onlys don't have as easily.

 

The Kudzu-like Selfishness can abound in families with one child or in the Duggars home. But with multiples, the battle ground (practice opportunites) arise hourly!!! Siblings are a built-in "device" (to borrow a mechanical sound) to teach a kid to give/consider others.

 

Kids of this generation are selfish. They think they're all going to be actors/actresses/pro-athletes (some job where there's loads of praise from men and affirmation by people). They have NO sense of service -- they don't think of others, much less poor/hurting/needy people. We all have a MAJOR task before us if our goal is avoid raising selfish citizen(s) and the challenge is to take our family, take an honest look at the pros and cons and to work through them the best you can. (at least that's what I'm trying to do).

Battle ground? Really?

 

Does your child have any friends? Even if you homeschool him he will have opportunity plenty to share, stand in line, run an errand, have a friend break a favorite toy, look stupid for telling a lame joke, every one of those from your list above will come from having a friend or five. Even the running out of hot water if he has the opportunity to spend the night at a friends house.

 

In our house we strive for cheerful first time obedience. I get crap for it every time it is brought up on these boards. I've never once commanded my child do something. I've certainly never commanded to give up something that belongs to her just because I had a wild hair and demanded she give it up. I don't think I've commanded she give up anything that belongs to her period. Growing up my brother never commanded I give him my stuff and vice verse. Honestly either of us would have gotten a well deserved parental smack for it.

 

It does sound as if you have issues.

Edited November 22, 2011 by Parrothead

[Parrothead]

Actually, I watch less than an hour of PBS per week.

Where in the world do you see all these selfish children?

[mhg]

It sounds like you have unresolved feelings about having an only child. Whatever that reason, I am sorry. :grouphug: There are many families who feel that having one is the biological norm for them. As a christian I believe that children are a gift, I believe that sometimes God says you get one. We have one by choice and by design. The doctor told me I should not have more children, it was a decision we agreed with physically and emotionally.

 

 

I have no unresolved feelings on the matter. My finding ways to combat the cons of having an only have not over-ridden my CHOICE to have one. We too have chosen to have the one (and not for fertility reasons) in light of what's best for OUR family.

[melissel]

Wow, this thread took a weird turn somewhere :confused:

 

I'm an only. I've always been very happy. When I was little, I did want a sibling, but I've never felt I missed out on having one. I had a close cousin, but we didn't end up super close as adults. I learned plenty about how to negotiate, share, etc. in the other areas of my life. I have friends, I have a great husband, I have happy kids. I'm an introvert, which sometimes works to my disadvantage, but my DH, with two brothers, is an extrovert, and sometimes that works to his disadvantage. We considered having just one child, but DH insisted that she needed a sibling. I certainly wouldn't give her back, but having her changed our lives and our parenting in ways DH never anticipated, and even he admits that, in retrospect, we all could have been just as happy with just one too.

 

Would I be a different person if I'd had siblings? Of course. Is there a 100% guarantee that I'd be a happier or more functional person if I hadn't been an only child? Of course not. Would I have had other, different lessons to learn as an adult if I'd had siblings growing up? Absolutely. I think only children have every chance to turn out just as well as those with siblings do. There are a million elements at play. As in any major decision, you decide what's most important to you and you go forward based on that. Everything will be OK.

[justamouse]

Where in the world do you see all these selfish children?

 

Everywhere. Walk into a store, and they abound. It's actually horrifically scary how these kids are allowed to act and be. I see them all the time, we have play dates with them, I see them at the library, everywhere. I don't make it out of a store without shaking my head once, most days. They are, sadly, everywhere.

 

And I'm not saying that lack of siblings is the root of it-that's not what I've been saying the whole thread, but as a parent of an only, you have to work doubly hard to not raise a selfish kid. And it's the moms, because they are so tired/have no clue as to how to resolve the issues, they just drop out.

[elegantlion]

Wow, this thread took a weird turn somewhere :confused:

 

I'm an only. I've always been very happy. When I was little, I did want a sibling, but I've never felt I missed out on having one. I had a close cousin, but we didn't end up super close as adults. I learned plenty about how to negotiate, share, etc. in the other areas of my life. I have friends, I have a great husband, I have happy kids. I'm an introvert, which sometimes works to my disadvantage, but my DH, with two brothers, is an extrovert, and sometimes that works to his disadvantage. We considered having just one child, but DH insisted that she needed a sibling. I certainly wouldn't give her back, but having her changed our lives and our parenting in ways DH never anticipated, and even he admits that, in retrospect, we all could have been just as happy with just one too.

 

Would I be a different person if I'd had siblings? Of course. Is there a 100% guarantee that I'd be a happier or more functional person if I hadn't been an only child? Of course not. Would I have had other, different lessons to learn as an adult if I'd had siblings growing up? Absolutely. I think only children have every chance to turn out just as well as those with siblings do. There are a million elements at play. As in any major decision, you decide what's most important to you and you go forward based on that. Everything will be OK.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Parrothead]

I have no unresolved feelings on the matter. My finding ways to combat the cons of having an only have not over-ridden my CHOICE to have one. We too have chosen to have the one (and not for fertility reasons) in light of what's best for OUR family.

What cons?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly I'd like to know why so many people think there are cons to having/being an only child?

 

Yeah, okay. I can see the end of a parents life possibly being difficult without one to share the tragedy of losing a parent, but having siblings does not guarantee support from said siblings.

[mhg]

Where in the world do you see all these selfish children?

 

 

Is this a serious question?

 

Well...for those of us who haven't been raptured yet and are still left here on earth, we, on occasion, see people who have a tendency to be selfish.

[elegantlion]

Everywhere. Walk into a store, and they abound. It's actually horrifically scary how these kids are allowed to act and be. I see them all the time, we have play dates with them, I see them at the library, everywhere. I don't make it out of a store without shaking my head once, most days. They are, sadly, everywhere.

 

And I'm not saying that lack of siblings is the root of it-that's not what I've been saying the whole thread, but as a parent of an only, you have to work doubly hard to not raise a selfish kid. And it's the moms, because they are so tired/have no clue as to how to resolve the issues, they just drop out.

 

And are these children only children? Tired children? I guess I don't see it much.

 

And what is the basis for your comment in bold? Were you an only, your spouse? I just don't think you can make a blanket statement that parents of onlies have to work twice as hard to make sure their kids aren't selfish. There really are too many variables.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Everywhere. Walk into a store, and they abound. It's actually horrifically scary how these kids are allowed to act and be. I see them all the time, we have play dates with them, I see them at the library, everywhere. I don't make it out of a store without shaking my head once, most days. They are, sadly, everywhere.

 

And I'm not saying that lack of siblings is the root of it-that's not what I've been saying the whole thread, but as a parent of an only, you have to work doubly hard to not raise a selfish kid. And it's the moms, because they are so tired/have no clue as to how to resolve the issues, they just drop out.

 

IMHO I don't think parents of onlies have to work doubly hard to not raise a selfish kid at all. I could easily say that parents of multiples have to work X times harder than a parent of an only;)

 

I get what you are saying about the experiences one has with siblings but I still think the parenting factor is going to be a more important factor in regards to whether a child will be selfish or not. I agree that there are lots of unruly kids but this a lack of parenting problem IMHO which I think is all too common.

[melissel]

Is this a serious question?

 

Well...for those of us who haven't been raptured yet and are still left here on earth, we, on occasion, see people who have a tendency to be selfish.

 

I'll be completely honest and say that of the single-child families I know and the multi-child families I know, the kids in the multi-child families tend to be more obnoxious than the only children. I suspect it's because most of the only children are raised more like peers alongside their parents, while the kids in the sibling groups are left to their own devices more and tend to be more dog-eat-dog. This is, of course, only my experience, but I'm thinking of a few groups I've participated in, and this has been the case more often than not.

[melissel]

I'm not saying I haven't seen badly behaved kids, but it isn't because they are only children. Actually most of the kids I see are from families of multiples whose parents have given up/in.

 

:iagree: I have seen this a lot, especially among the HSing parents I know. (I'll be honest and say I've also done it myself :blushing: DD6 can be a handful.)

 

I get what you are saying about the experiences one has with siblings but I still think the parenting factor is going to be a more important factor in regards to whether a child will be selfish or not. I agree that there are lots of unruly kids but this a lack of parenting problem IMHO which I think is all too common.

 

:iagree:

[CanaryMelody]

I haven't read all of the replies but I was an only child and hated it. I remember begging my parents for a brother or sister. But they chose to only have one. They have no idea how much it caused resentment in me. :crying:

 

As an only child, I never learned how to share things and space, I never really learned the ins and outs of how to have a relationship, and I was selfish. I grew up relating to adults, not other kids (despite being public schooled). I struggled long into adulthood on some of these issues. I long for big family reunions and wish my children had aunts and uncles to know. In fact, we barely have any extended family on either DH or my side. (Everyone seems to prefer the very small families. :confused: ) We feel this lack of support all the time. There is no sister to call and vent to, no brother to ask for advice on things. Right now, I could really use a sibling to talk to with concerning some personal parental issues that has been going on for several years. Unfortunately, both DH and I are at a complete loss, and we are alone in trying to figure this out. I am a bit apprehensive for when the time comes to care for one or both of my aging parents. I pray we have the ability and resources to do so properly.

 

I always wanted lots of children. I am blessed to have my 4 children. Yes, they fight, compete, and sometimes annoy each other. But I also see the beautiful love and bond that siblings can share. We are trying to nurture these early sibling relationships so although they may not always agree with each other or may say/do things to hurt each, their relationship with each other may stay strong throughout their lives. :001_smile: